148 Sermon Illustrations on Relationships

How Scripture challenges our cultural assumptions about singleness.

Old Testament Background Gen 30:1, Jer 16:2, Isa 54:1, 56:5

Jesus: The Revolutionary Single Matt 22:30, Matt 12:50, Luke 18:29-30

Singleness and the Church 1 Cor 7:28,32-34, Acts 21:9

A Challenge

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Half of all first marriages end in divorce or separation by the 20th year, according to a 1995 study by the National Center for Health Statistics.

When are marriages most vulnerable? Statistics are less clear about that. There are too many variables that make each marriage unique. Developmental changes or personal crises can expose weaknesses in a relationship at any time.

But counselors like Wade Rowatt agree there are some hotspots, which tend to occur around specific life experiences. They are:

-- The first three years of marriage. Divorces are a little more likely during this period, when issues of incompatibility, disillusionment and conflict often surface.

-- Year seven - for no known rational reason.

-- The first two years of the "empty nest."

-- The first few years after the death of a parent of either spouse.

Every marriage is different. But most marriages show warning signs long before trouble erupts. And all marriages can be improved by attending to certain vital signs.

Rowatt, a marriage counselor in Louisville, Ky., identifies some of both, based on years of counseling and research. He says they are not guarantees of failure or success but solid indicators. If even one of the warning signs is evident, give it attention now, he advises. The help of a pastoral counselor may keep your marriage on track.

Seven warning signs:

-- Frequent disinterest in what your spouse is doing or saying.

-- Sudden, prolonged attraction to a co-worker, friend or fellow church

member.

-- Unexplained, sudden anger at your spouse.

-- Disinterest in sex.

-- Over-involvement with children at the expense of the marriage.

-- Depression.

-- Not wanting to be touched by your spouse

Seven vital signs:

-- Talk and listen to each other daily. Listen actively, beyond the level of thought. Share feelings, dreams and emotions. The three years past empty nest are key. Develop this skill now.

-- Spend "couple time" each day. That's 30-60 minutes with the TV and computer off. Talk, touch and be present.

-- Address problems in their infancy. They grow like a cancer when kept silent. Work especially on disappointments, unmet expectations and power imbalances.

-- Commitment must be both emotional and intellectual. When the honeymoon stage is over, this will be the staying power. Partners must stay in touch with the idea that "I wouldn't dare trade my spouse in for another model."

-- Flexibility is essential. Partners change, so do vocations and circumstances. Like an oak, we must be able to bend without breaking.

-- Tend to the romance. Little things matter -- back rubs, a touch, a smile, gifts, regular dates, doing favors without being asked.

-- Cultivate openness. It let's you face problems early and head-on. Openness comes from a solid faith, so constant renewal that is individual, yet shared, is important. This will impact parenting, grief, work decisions, lifestyle and economics.

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Back in the 1970s, the great evangelist Francis Schaeffer used to rail against the plague of what he called "easy divorce." Most people, even many Christians, seemed to have no sense of how devastating divorce is to children or how it contributes to the decline of any culture.

Well, since the 70s, social science research has borne out the negative consequences of easy divorce. Yet ironically, divorce has just gotten even easier -- thanks to the Internet.

A British entrepreneur named Richard Cohen has created a Web site that will make divorce as simple as the click of a mouse. Called Desktop Lawyer, it allows couples to bypass the time-consuming and expensive tasks of hiring a lawyer and filing a petition with the court.

Instead, for about $150, British couples can now file for a divorce without ever seeing a lawyer, or even going to court. All they have to do is click on the web site and answer a series of questions on-line. Lawyers with Desktop Divorce check the answers, prepare the appropriate pleadings, and file them with the court. You save time, money, and, most of all, the stress associated with going through the legal process.

It appears that Brits love stress-free divorce. In the first week after Cohen designed Desktop Divorce, more than 300 couples took advantage of its services. It's only a matter of time before an enterprising American lawyer follows Cohen's lead.

As you might expect, not everyone is crazy about this latest example of e-commerce. Patricia Hardcastle, a spokeswoman for the Roman Catholic Church in England, warns that the impersonal nature of Desktop Divorce is likely to encourage more people to file for divorce. As she puts it, "Nobody wants to go through it, but at least we had to do everything face-to-face, which might have made some people stop and think."

Precisely. What the West needs is not easier divorce but harder divorce. As the social science data pours in on the negative effects of family breakdown, many pro-family organizations are working to pass laws that erect barriers and slow down the divorce process -- such as requiring couples to seek counseling before splitting up.

You see, society can't make people be faithful to their spouses; that's a matter of the heart. But what it CAN do is make it harder to be UNfaithful. Society can erect legal and social structures that encourage virtue and discourage vice. People who won't be virtuous out of principle may sometimes be induced to do the virtuous thing merely because it is easier and less troublesome.

That's why there was a profound wisdom in the old system that made divorce difficult, expensive, and inconvenient. The prospect of going through a long legal process causes many couples to try harder to make a struggling marriage work. We ought to support laws designed to reinstate some of the barriers to easy divorce.

And we'd better act quickly. Even our best efforts may be undermined by the tools of the Information Age. For they are designed to make everything simple and convenient and accessible -- even the dissolution of marriage.

___________________________

Copyright (c) 1999 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

If you feel the need to spice up your marriage, make sure you don’t leave out the key ingredient.

If you’ve read one of the "how to add life to your marriage" books and your relationship is STILL floundering, try something new. Check out how you and your spouse are growing spiritually. Have you spent as much time thinking about how to become more like Christ as you have on how to spice up your marriage?

I don’t believe couples fall out of love -- they fall out of repentance. I’m convinced that when couples commit themselves to growing in the virtues taught by Christ, there’s little chance for their relationship to fail. When you’re focused on growing in humility, gentleness, patience, love and generosity, you’re creating the building blocks that nurture and maintain intimacy.

Actually, humility is a great place to begin. Peter urges us, "Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another" (1 Pet. 5:5). I’m afraid most of us spend more time worrying about our outer appearance than we do about the inner clothing of humility. But I’m determined to do better at clothing myself in a way that will strengthen my marriage.

WHAT HUMILITY LOOKS LIKE

When my wife and I got married, I was shocked at how different two people could be. It showed up in the little things -- like where we’d keep our medicines and spices. To me, it seemed inherently wrong to store Pepto-Bismol next to the vanilla, but that’s the way my wife’s family had always done it.

We also had widely divergent eating habits, which weren’t a big deal until we had kids and one of them complained at breakfast, "How come Daddy’s cereals have toys and ours don’t?"

These differences shined a light on my pride. A proud person never thinks to question something he’s always thought was right. He doesn’t feel a need to see a divisive issue from someone else’s point of view -- he simply wants to win the argument.

What does this have to do with humility? If you look in our cereal cupboard now, you won’t find any boxes with toys. I had to admit I was wrong for passing on an unhealthy eating habit to my kids. Thank goodness for the give-and-take of marriage, which forces us to understand another person’s perspective.

But humility is more than just being able to admit being wrong. It isn’t thinking less OF ourselves; it’s thinking less ABOUT ourselves. Obsessing over what you AREN’T makes you as self-absorbed as the person who obsesses about what she IS.

Humility is placing others above ourselves. Jesus was humble, yet he never pretended he wasn’t the Son of God. He never claimed that his mission in life wasn’t important; he just used his power to serve and love rather than to dominate and manipulate.

Humility gives us the strength to accept who we are, respect others and escape from an egocentric worldview in which we expect everyone (especially a spouse) to bend to our demands and desires. Humility is the Christlike spirit of becoming a servant. Humility is essential to marriage because without it, two strong egos do nothing but butt heads.

PROVIDING A SERVICE

Humility exerts itself through service. It proves itself when, moment-by-moment, you decide to make yourself a servant. Andrew Murray noted that "it is in our most unguarded moments that we really show and see what we are. To know... how the humble man behaves, you must follow him in the common course of daily life."

My family spent the night at a friend’s house one New Year’s Eve. I flew into town that day from the Midwest, so my "body clock" was already two hours ahead of everyone else. When midnight rolled around, I was exhausted. I went to bed and was dropping off to sleep when our friend came in and whispered, "Lisa!" I knew what was coming. "One of your kids is sick."

My wife started stirring, and I knew I could pretend I was asleep. After all, our friend wasn’t talking to me. I’d been up for almost 20 hours. It would be so easy for me just to stay in bed. But I’d been reading and studying about humility -- and I recognized my chance to practice it.

"I’ll take care of it," I told her.

That’s almost embarrassingly insignificant, but humility lives in such small decisions. I may never BECOME humble, but I can learn to PRACTICE humility in the routine acts of service in which I put others first.

The radical truth of Christianity is that love isn’t based on the other person becoming more lovely, but on our willingness to act lovingly. A person in search of virtue finds fulfillment from the inner witness of acting in accordance with God’s will and purpose. That’s good news, as actions are something we can control -- unlike our emotions, which constantly ebb and flow.

NO LICENSE TO JUDGE

When I’m experiencing persistent anger with Lisa, almost always I can find a point where I’m judging her -- calling myself "right" and my wife "wrong." Christ took away our license to judge. A humble spouse focuses on changing himself.

Without humility, we become thoroughly disagreeable and demanding characters. Estrangement, hate, anger, bitterness and resentment -- the killers of human relationships -- are born in judging others, in putting yourself above others. Where I fail in humility, I fail in love. Without humility, what starts out as a mutual affection can collapse into a contest of wills, judgment and accusation.

Years ago, I finally realized that marriage is for holiness more than happiness. Marriage creates the best environment in which I can serve God and grow in the character of Christ -- and that’s what I should expect from it more than anything else. This doesn’t mean that happiness and holiness are mutually exclusive; often they aren’t. But the primary purpose in my life is not to pursue happiness, it’s to become like Christ. How thankful I am to be married -- to be in an ideal environment for spiritual growth.

When I was married for happiness, and I went through the inevitable seasons of unhappiness (or just the routines of life), I assumed my lack of happiness meant my wife wasn’t measuring up. I judged her failings and she judged mine.

When I realized I was married for holiness, I knew that I never measured up. I became more than satisfied with my wife as I focused on what I needed to change. My wife didn’t change, but my perspective did.

Humility gave me a new marriage because it gave me a new me. If God, who is perfectly holy and righteous, can delight in my wife as he does then I can respond with similar delight.

Eventually, a proud man or woman becomes a lonely man or woman, because pride erodes relationships. Relationships are based on entering into other people’s lives, but when we’re so focused on ourselves it is impossible to care genuinely about others.

The beauty of humility is that we become empowered to respect others -- beginning with our spouses. Paul encourages us to "show true humility toward all" (Titus 3:2). We can’t control a lot of things in life -- including our mates. But we can control how we respect our spouses, how we serve and honor them and how we try to start seeing things from their perspective.

And when we do that, we’ll discover a whole new marriage.

__________________________

Gary L. Thomas is the author of Seeking the Face of God (Harvest House) and The Glorious Pursuit (NavPress). He and his wife, Lisa, have been married 15 years.

Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today, Inc./Marriage Partnership magazine

Winter 1999, Vol. 16, No. 4, Page 8

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"A Short Course In Human Relations"

The SIX most important words: "I ADMIT I MADE A MISTAKE!"

The FIVE most important words: "YOU DID A GOOD JOB!"

The FOUR most important words: "WHAT IS YOUR OPINION?"

The THREE most important words: "WOULD YOU MIND?"

The TWO most important words: "THANK YOU!"

The ONE most important word: "WE"

The LEAST most important word: "I"

(Daily Gems)

HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE WITHOUT LOSING YOUR COOL

If Robert won't share the crayons with you, tell him he'll have to sit down during recess. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Go play outside, I can't concentrate with all the noise! From the very beginning we are taught to be polite to others, to mind our manners, to play nicely and fairly. You would think we'd all have the hang of it by now.

But unless you live alone on a remote South Pacific island, getting along with people - especially difficult people - is something most of us struggle to do on a daily basis. You know the usual culprits: the roommate who never cleans her dirty dishes, the boss who's always critical, the sister who smacks when chewing gum, the boyfriend who always says the most insensitive things.

Heaven forbid if you ever did any of these things yourself.

Learning to live, work and play with others is an ongoing process, one that continues from infancy through adulthood. With that in mind, here's a quick refresher to help you better understand how to get along with others (and how to be easy to get along with yourself).

CONTRIBUTING FACTORS

According to clinical psychologist Barbara Hardin, Ph.D., relationships often get off to rocky starts at the beginning.

"When we meet a new person, often we react as if they are somebody else," she explains. "They might remind us of an unpleasant teacher we had or a former boyfriend or girlfriend with whom we had a bad relationship, and we expect this new acquaintance to react like the other person. It can cause us to dislike them before we ever get a chance to know them."

A variety of other internal and external factors also contribute to the ways people behave and the ways we perceive those behaviors, says Hardin, who is the director of clinical psychology for the Counseling & Testing Center at St. Mary's University in San Antonio. She adds that it's important to be aware of these when dealing with others.

Hardin notes that some people are inherently more difficult to get along with than others. "Rigidity and a lack of empathy or compassion for other people's points of view are attributes of people who tend to be hard to get along with," she says. "They often feel like they're right and no matter what the circumstance is, they are very unwilling to listen to other perspectives."

She points out that these people tend to be poor communicators as well. "One aspect that's particularly deadly in interpersonal relationships is when someone has a whole lot of rules or assumptions on how something should happen but fails to share those with the other person," she explains. "It's a setup for the other person to constantly be in the hot seat because they don't know the 'rules.'"

Hardin says another important factor that can cause conflict is how introverted or extroverted a person is. This is particularly important if two people spend a lot of time together, such as roommates or co-workers. "It's about where you get your energy," explains Hardin. "Extroverts tend to get more energized the more they're around people; introverts find that very taxing because they get their energy when they're by themselves. By the end of the day, they really need some space."

Hardin says family background, too, can play an important role in creating conflict. Interestingly, she has found that people raised in military families tend to be either unusually good at meeting new people or unusually bad. "It has to do with the frequent moves that many of these people make during childhood. They tend to be either very flexible and adaptable to new people and environments, or it traumatizes them, making them rigid and suspicious.

That sets up a scenario where they assume they're going to be disliked," says Hardin. "I've seen this played out in young adults entering the corporate world where they need to do networking and relationship - building. If they go into the situation assuming they're going to be disliked, it sets them up for failure."

The closeness of the relationship between two people also can be a contributing factor to conflict. "Ironically, the closer you are to someone, the more likely there will be difficulty because of something called attribution of motives," Hardin says.

"Family members tend to attribute huge motives to each other if they do or don't do something. If you invite a relative over for dinner and she's late, it's because 'she always thought she was better than me' or something like that, rather than the fact that she actually did have a flat tire on the way," she says.

Hardin attributes a lack of basic social skills to increasing conflict today, in general. "In a lot of cases, people have forgotten how to talk to one another. It's one of the negatives of television and computers because people spend lots of time in solitary activities, and they really haven't learned how to carry on a conversation," Hardin says.

The situations in which you relate to other people can cause conflicts as well. "There are certain people that, if you met them in one situation, would be great to be around, but you might not want to meet them in a different situation," explains Hardin. "For example, there are a lot of people who would be fun as a co-worker but you'd hate to have as a boss."

Another factor, says Hardin, that can cause relationships to be difficult are the stakes of the relationship. "Let's say you're a college student and your faculty advisor - a person who may determine whether or not you get a job or admission to graduate school - is making life difficult for you. The stakes of that relationship are very high for you," she says. In cases like this, Hardin says even minor disagreements can become major conflicts.

WHAT TO DO?

Now that we have a high-level view of the many factors that can strain relationships and cause conflict, what can be done to minimize these stressful interactions, even when dealing with an "inherently difficult" person?

Here are a few tips from Hardin:

TRY LISTENING FOR A CHANGE.

Effective interpersonal communication should be 80 percent listening, 20 percent talking. If both people in a relationship will try to practice this, conversations will be much more focused and less likely to spin off into blame sessions or arguments.

BE SPECIFIC WHEN YOU COMMUNICATE; TRY TO AVOID VAGUENESS OR GENERALIZATIONS. If you tell your spouse to take it easy on the credit card this month, do you mean, "Don't buy groceries," or simply "Watch what you spend at the mall"?

WHEN YOU HAVE A CONFLICT WITH SOMEONE ELSE, TRY TO FRAME THE DISCUSSION LIKE THIS: "When you do X, I feel like Y." That helps to avoid the blame game and also will be less likely to make the other person defensive of their actions.

CLARIFY THE EXPECTATIONS OF A RELATIONSHIP. If you're dealing with a roommate, for example, clarify what household chores he or she expects from you. This will likely be a process of negotiation. On the other hand, clarifying expectations of a boss is much more of a listening process; you may not have the authority to negotiate responsibilities at work, but you do have the right to ask questions.

DEAL WITH THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU AS THEY COME UP. Address them when you're not angry, but also know your objective. Convincing your roommate to choose a now boyfriend because you don't like this one is probably asking too much. On the other hand, getting your roommate to keep her stereo turned down while you sleep is certainly reasonable. Be willing to hear the other person's issues, too: You might be annoying someone in ways you never thought of!

HOW SOME READERS RESOLVED THEIR CONFLICTS

PUT IT IN WRITING

When I was a freshman in high school, I made the varsity softball team as the starting pitcher. I got along well with my teammates and coaches and as a senior, I was voted captain. I began my senior year ready to tackle the mound and exhibit great leadership for my team. However, when tryouts rolled around, there was a freshman who was a phenomenal pitcher. She was big and strong and threw every pitch in the book. She ended up being the starting pitcher that year, while I, the captain, sat on the bench and cheered my team on.

Although it was a difficult position to be in, I knew I had to keep a good attitude and be positive for the good of my team, whether on the field or in the dugout. Our last home game is always "senior day." In the three years before that I had been there, every senior on the team started the game, even if it was just for an inning, or as a pinch runner. Well, when it was my turn, I did not get to touch the dirt once. The coaches did not let me pitch an inning, let alone be a designated hitter. I was the captain and sat on the bench for senior day. So, without making a scene and yelling at the coaches, I decided to go home and write them a letter. I very professionally wrote how I felt hurt that the coaches did not let me, a player they knew and respected, play at all. I also explained that 1, as captain, had done a lot that season to support my team and the coaches had done nothing to recognize that. I would not have been as hurt if they had talked to me before the game and told me that I would not be playing, but they just let me sit and hoped I wouldn't say anything. Both coaches the next day apologized profusely for not talking to me beforehand. They also thanked me for handling the situation maturely. Writing a letter was a very helpful way to get my thoughts across without being disrespectful, whiny or selfish. -ASHLEY HAGEMAN, WAYZATA, MN

TRY EMPATHY

I encounter people who are hard to get along with almost daily. I have worked part-time in the floral department of a grocery store for almost a year. A lot of the people I deal with are in a hurry, in a bad mood or just plain crabby. I have found that the best way to get along with these people is to really put myself in their shoes. If you just think of all the possibilities of why they may be in a bad mood, it is easier to be kind to them. For example - what if their spouse just died of cancer, or they got laid off from work? You wouldn't want to be mean to someone in that kind of situation. So just put a smile on your face, and be as kind as possible. - SUSAN MARIE BROWN, BELLEFONTAINE, OH

THE DIRECT APPROACH

I once had a difficult time with my friend. She was getting herself into bad habits and causing herself harm. I hate to see my friends get hurt because they are my No. 1 priority. I wanted to help her. So ... my solution was that I asked her to sleep over one night. That was when I told her that she was making the wrong decisions and that I cared about her more than anything. After I told her that, she quit doing what she started and now she is back to her old self again. I'm glad I have my best friend back! - RHONDA ELKENDIER, APPLETON, WI

TALK IT OVER

I have always had trouble with English and English teachers since I started junior high. This year was no exception. I guess I struggled so much because I knew this was the first year everything started to count. Even though it was just freshman English, I had big problems with the work and the teacher. I had a tough time dealing with the teacher and I know she had a tough time dealing with me. I wasn't the greatest student, but I always tried my hardest. Some assignments would turn out extremely good and some would turn out terrible. She would get mad at me when I turned in an assignment that didn't even deserve a grade just a day after I turned in an A+ book review. In my mind I was sure she hated me.

Finally, I got up the smarts to go in and talk to her one day after school. She gave me advice on how to do better work and assured me that she didn't hate me and that it was just in my head. With her advice I scored the highest of all my class on the final exam. The best advice I can offer those of you out there who struggle with teachers or classes is sit down and talk to the teacher.

Also, don't think "Well, I'm too cool to go talk to a teacher" or "It's just going to be a waste of my time," because it's not true. It will all come back you in the end if you don't. Trust me - MATT KELLER, GARDNERVILLE, NV

TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK

I've been home-schooled my whole life, up until the second semester of the eighth-grade. It was a very scary experience for me, but what made it worse was a particular boy in class. The first day we met, this boy began to pick on me in every way he could. I have a weight problem and the third day I was there he got almost everyone in the gym chanting "1-800-97-Jenny" when the coach left.

After that I decided I wasn't going to ignore him anymore. So every time he made fun of me, I laughed with him; every time he would pull my bra strap, or steal my pencil, I just smiled. If he was short a quarter to get a Coke at lunch, I would lend him the quarter even if it meant I would have to drink water. I didn't ignore him or get mad, I was nice to him, and that was the opposite reaction of what he was looking for.

As I assumed from the beginning, he didn't know what had happened, so he stopped picking on me a little at a time. By the end of the semester, he no longer picked on me at all, and we were actually good friends, and still are. And all it took was to take the Lord's words to heart and just turn the other cheek. - KARA JOY DOWELL, CARTERSVILLE, GA

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RESOURCES FOR READERS

1. CONTACT THE COUNSELING CENTER AT YOUR COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY. If you're not a student, you may be able to receive limited services or resources from a community college or university in your area.

2. VISIT HTTP:HUHS.UCHICAGO.EDU/SCRS/VPC/VIRTUIETS.HTMI on the Internet to check out its virtual pamphlet collection for a library of self-help information available at the click of your mouse.

3. Another great site is the Student Counseling Centers on the Internet site at: HTTP.//UB-COUNSELING.BUFFALO.EDU/CENTERS.BTMI

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The changing attitude towards divorce was illustrated in the following letter to newspaper columnist, Ann Landers:

Dear Ann Landers:

If anyone has the slightest doubt that we are living in a totally different world today, I challenge them to browse through the stationery store and check out the card section. I did last week and found beautiful cards with the following messages:

'Best Wishes to My Dear Mother and Her Husband' ...

'Holiday Wishes to My Former Grandparents.

I Divorced Your Grandson, Not You'

'Congratulations on a Great Divorce!'

'Happy Anniversary to My Former In-Laws Who are Still in My Heart'

'Best Wishes to My Former Husband on His Birthday'

'Happy Fourth of July to My Live-In Sweetheart'

[Holwick's favorite:]

'Congratulations on Your Marriage. This one is sure to work.

The Third Time is Always a Charm.'

_________________________________

Gary L. McIntosh, "Ministry in Changing Times", Sundoulos, Summer, 1992.

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"I know that neither one of us has anything left to give," a desperate Wendy Erwin told her husband, a New Jersey pastor, over the phone. "But I love you and we're going to make it."

With those words, she grabbed the lone thread that would hold her marriage together over the next few months.

For Wendy and Scott, their 11-year-old marriage had come to the brink. After a whirlwind romance and two storybook years of married life, a series of personal crises gradually dragged their relationship into despair.

First came a change in career direction, the first hint that things weren't going according to plan. Then came two ectopic pregnancies that resulted in miscarriages.

Then twin daughters were born, but both developed severe health problems. While Grace would overcome most of them, Katie was left with serious, multiple handicaps.

The resulting emotional, spiritual and financial stress pulled their marriage apart. Communication became almost non-existent. They stopped nurturing each other. "We were sleep-deprived, depressed and emotionally exhausted," Scott told Faithworks magazine.

Added Wendy: "It wasn't unusual for us to say, 'I love you, but I have nothing for you. I'm not angry at you, but I just can't offer you more than commitment. My resources are gone.' We lived that way for two-and-a-half years. We were dying inside, losing one another as partners, and staying together only because neither of us could do this alone."

Counselors agree that, more often than not, a marriage relationship doesn't flame out in a burst of betrayal or anger as much as it simply grows weaker over time. Opportunities to do maintenance are missed. Warning signs are ignored. Eventually the marriage is enveloped by the slow, encroaching darkness of alienation.

Many people have already given up on the ideal of lifelong marriage, as evidenced by increases in both cohabitation and divorce. Half of all marriages are disrupted by divorce or separation within 20 years.

So how does anyone make it to midlife with their marriage intact?

"The turning point as I see it was that we realized that we had to find a way to stay together," Scott recalled.

Disappointed with life and frustrated with God, the young couple clung only to their commitment to stay together. Finally, their breakthrough came in late 2001 with a change of jobs and location. "We moved to Virginia and not only reduced the financial pressures, but got a new start," Scott said. "Slowly we started to talk with each other. We would turn the TV off and figure out who we were."

"Only after we got to some level of healthy interaction could we really stir God back into the mix," he continued. "For a while, God was a hiding place or a pawn we used in arguing. We began to pray together and we discovered that it's pretty tough to stay frustrated with a person you're sharing prayer time with. Then, we noticed that we were beginning to think of each other first in some things. I saw that Wendy needed me to be at home and to help out. I couldn't just be a pastor and then come home and sit down.

"Eventually we began to date again. We've fallen in love again. And that's weird because we're totally not the same people who met on the beach all those years ago. It's a true starting over, figuring out who we are and where God fits into that equation. I wouldn't say we're where we want to be in communication, role negotiation and other important skills. We still have moments of intense grief, as you will when you have a special-needs child. But we aren't in crisis now by a long shot."

Few marriages that last remain unchanged. On the contrary, counselors say being able and willing to change is a key to marriage survival.

If a couple is willing to work on building and maintaining a solid relationship, they can arrive at midlife - and survive it - with a strong, healthy marriage. But the journey starts even before the wedding, and it involves daily attention.

To simply conduct a wedding and then send the newlyweds out to fend for themselves is a dangerous way to start a marriage, said Robert Herron director of the Presbyterian Counseling Center in Greensboro, N.C.

Herron spearheaded a 1996 dialogue among clergy in the community about the problem of failed marriages. It resulted in a covenant committing the ministers - and all couples they married - to a waiting period before the wedding, counseling sessions, an in-depth analysis of each relationship, enrichment opportunities for the couples, and a support network to mentor the newly married. By 1998, more than 70 churches had signed on.

Herron said efforts like the one in Greensboro help couples anticipate the issues they'll face and develop sound practices to maintain the marriage partnership.

Bo Prosser, an associate pastor in Charlotte, N.C., has been involved in marriage counseling and marriage enrichment for years. "When I prepare a young couple for marriage, I stress to them that they're not just two people anymore. We're three now. I can't be with them everywhere they go, but they can call me anywhere I am, anytime of the day or night, if they get in trouble. They have to know that there are others who will support them and have gone where they're going."

Prosser said communication and commitment are the two stackpoles around which everything else in a marriage falls into place. Communication involves both skill and constant care, he said. "You have to practice it every day."

"They have to understand that the person they married at 25 isn't the same anymore at 45," said Wade Rowatt, director of the St. Matthews Counseling Center in Louisville, Ky. Adjusting to those changes is some of the hardest work in marriage, Rowatt said.

"We change as individuals, but somehow we expect our marriage relationship to continue to operate on the same practices and rules," Rowatt said. Those personal changes are easily overlooked when assessing a marriage relationship.

Wendy Erwin sees now that she and Scott had different expectations of marriage, shaped by their different family backgrounds. "As we grew, we grew into our own patterns. ... We worked constantly to please one another but never stopped long enough to step back and realize that we had different lenses on."

As with the Erwins, a deep commitment to preserve the marriage - above all else - is the essential ingredient in overcoming a lifetime of changes and challenges, Rowatt said.

"Commitment has to be both intellectual and emotional in nature or it won't be balanced enough to see us through," he added. On the days when the romantic side of the marriage doesn't seem real, the fact that you once loved a person enough to marry him or her may be the only beacon to follow out of the darkness.

*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

MG and Mrs. Arbuckle forward -

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you

have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to

the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary

halls.

3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped

you stand up to the class bully.

4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared

their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was

willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be

stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.

6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat

on the back of the bus for you.

7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to

Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if

they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.

8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy

the social studies homework from the night before that you had.

9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped

you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room

would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you

finished and broke out into tears.

10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to

that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only

freshman there.

11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed

their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave

you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be

grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick

or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.

13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped

you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college,

helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to

the idea of letting you go...

14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying

on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they

congratulated you.

15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the

person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak

out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you

that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could

make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently

hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you

were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out

of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college as

well as you had these past 18 years, and most

importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the

better of the two choices, hold your hand when you're scared, helps you

fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times

when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you

put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a

little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their

way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal

with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you

become a better person, and most importantly loves you!

There's never a wrong time to pick up a phone or send a message telling

your friends how much you miss them or how much you love them.

If you love someone, tell them. Remember always to say what you mean. Never

be afraid to express yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what

they mean to you. Seize the day and have no regrets. Most importantly, stay

close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person

that you are today and are what it's all about anyway. Pass this along to

your friends. Let it make a difference in your day and theirs. The

difference between expressing love and having regrets is that the regrets

may stay around forever.

Ultimately EACH one of us is responsible for our own happiness. Can't always control our situation -- CAN CONTROL how we react!

Therapist Margaret Oldham says what many of her clients want is an ideal relationship in which they'll be loved completely without having to do anything in return.

“This is the person who is going to be there to talk to, to go somewhere with them, or, you know, a person who's just going to be there and is going to understand them. Most people don't want to have to tell you how they feel. They want you to divine that.... Someone who would understand them so thoroughly that they would never have to say a word and just always be there for them.... What people need to accept is that it is their responsibility to communicate what they need and what they feel, and to realize that they cannot expect someone else magically to make them happy. People want to be made happy, instead of making themselves happy."

___________

"Habits of the Heart: Individualism & Commitment in American Life," p. 15.

*

The Yoke's On You

Two beasts are bound with common yoke,

A heavy load to bear.

If oxen both, or donkeys both,

The burden they can share.

They draw the load with common force

They step with balanced gait

They walk in steady partnership

Each equal with its mate.

But what if ox and ass are joined

And made to share the load

Both yoked together, two-as-one,

To journey down the road?

The ox's greater stride and strength

The donkey cannot match

The yoke that binds the two as one

Begins to wear and catch.

Each beast itself could do the job

If yoked with its own kind---

When bound with one of different breed

The yoke will chafe and bind

The lesson of the ox and ass

Is one that should ring true.

Consider well your partner's heart

Before the yoke's on you.

Clark Hutchinson says there are three types of relationships: Draining, Neutral, and Replenishing. (Our Daily Bread for March 1, 1994).

In Queen Victoria's time, a young woman had the good fortune of being escorted to dinner by William E. Gladstone, who was considered one of the most brilliant statesmen of the 19th century. On the following evening, the same young lady was escorted by Benjamin Disraeli, novelist, statesman and twice prime minister of Great Britain. When asked for her impression of these two great rivals, she replied, "After an evening with Gladstone, I thought he was the most brilliant man I'd ever met. After an evening with Disraeli, I thought myself to be the most fascinating woman in the world!"

Subject: Picking Out Pallbearers

Date: For the Week of August 16, 1999

No, I haven't received a terminal diagnosis other than life. And I have no scientific reason to think my death is imminent though who knows if I will die before this piece gets read by anyone? These are not the things that have me contemplating pallbearers today. It is the offhand comment of an acquaintance last week.

"I've really had my priorities all screwed up for the past several years," he said. "I've worked hard and made a lot of money. My family life is in pretty good shape. But I've cut myself off from so many people who wanted to be my friends. Now it has dawned on me that I have scores of acquaintances but hardly any bona fide friends. I'm not even sure I could name enough people to be pallbearers at my funeral who could say we were really friends. I wonder if it's too late to change that?"

His comment wasn't made in a tone of self-pity. It was simple acknowledgment. It was also something of a confession. And it was on-target too.

What about you? Try this little thought experiment: Name six people who are close enough friends that you would be willing to trust them with your deepest, darkest secret. They must be people you would spontaneously think to call about a serious problem in your business, professional, family, or personal life. They must be persons from whom you would hide nothing. If you have such people in your life, their names should come to mind quickly and easily.

If you have any doubt that the people you named are really your friends, ask yourself the question in reverse: Do these people trust me with their deepest, darkest secrets? Have they turned to you for compassion, encouragement, and help when things were difficult in their lives? Can you see yourself being asked by their families to be pallbearers at their funerals?

There is a Bible verse at Proverbs 18:24 that is difficult to translate. In the King James Version, it reads: "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." The New Revised Standard Version renders it this way: "Some friends play at friendship but a true friend sticks closer than one's nearest kin."

People who don't value friendships won't form any. And the key to having friends really is as simple as being genuinely friendly — caring, encouraging, ready to help others in their tough times. By all means, don't play at friendship.

You'll need pallbearers someday. I hope it will be an easy task to identify them.

From time to time most of us encounter angry people. Some are out of control. Others are trying hard not to be verbally or physically abusive, but inside they are steaming over what they consider to be an injustice. It may be a neighbor who believes you have treated him/her unfairly. It may be a fellow worker who perceives that what you have done is wrong. It may be a mother-in-law or a brother-in-law, a father or a son, or a stranger.

Seven steps to dealing with an angry person:

1. Listen. You get something of the person’s story and the heart of why he/she is angry. The best thing you can do for an angry person is to listen to his/her story. Having heard it, ask him/her to repeat it. Having heard it a second time, ask additional questions to clarify the situation. Listen at least three times before you give a response.

2. Listen. He/she begins to see that you are taking him/her seriously, that you really want to understand what happened, and you are not condemning his/her anger.

3. Listen. At this point the individual usually begins to calm down, as he/she senses that you are trying to understand him/her. If you respond to someone’s anger before you have thoroughly heard his/her story, you will not defuse the anger - you will compound it.

4. Seek to understand the angry person’s plight. Put yourself in his/her shoes and try to view the world through his/her eyes. Ask yourself, Would I be angry in the same situation? Keep in mind that the angry person may not have all the facts, or is overlooking his/her own responsibility. Whether one’s interpretation of the situation is correct is not the issue at this point.

5. Express your understanding. Don’t jump in and set the person straight on the facts, or defend your own actions. Put yourself in the angry person’s situation. If I were in your shoes and saw the situation as you see it, I would also be angry. This puts the angry person at ease. It tells them they are not weird for feeling angry. You have now removed the adversarial nature of the conversation.

6. Share additional information that may shed light on the subject. Often the person who is angry does not have all the facts or is misinterpreting the facts. You do the person a great service when you share your perception of what happened. But if this is shared too early in the process, you will not be heard - and will find yourself in a heated argument with the angry person.

7. Admit your part. If you realize you have genuinely wronged him/her intentionally or unintentionally, then it is time for you to admit the wrong and ask for forgiveness.

Ernest Hemingway's grandparents attended the same Evangelical college I did - Wheaton. His parents were also very devout Christians. Ernest rebelled and his parents detested his wild lifestyle. After a time his mother wouldn't let him in her presence.

One year for his birthday, she mailed him a cake along with the gun his father had used to kill himself. Another year she wrote him a letter explaining that a mother's life is like a bank account. Every child that is born to her makes withdrawals but no deposits during all the early years. Later, when the child grows up, it is his responsibility to replenish the supply he has drawn down.

Hemingway's mother then proceeded to spell out all the specific ways Ernest should be making “deposits to keep the account in good standing”: flowers, fruit or candy, paying some of her bills, and a pledge to stop neglecting his duties to God.

Hemingway never got over his hatred for his mother - or for her Savior. Her ungracious faith had killed his.

*

[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #5604]

Researchers in Sweden recently announced what makes men good “husband material.” The key, they say, lies not in his religion, his morals, or even how much he loves his potential spouse — it’s how much he has in common with rodents.

A team at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm studied “552 pairs of male twins enrolled in Sweden’s ongoing Twin and Offspring Study.” The subjects “were currently in a relationship that had lasted at least five years.” Researchers then used tests, and interviewed the subjects’ spouses where possible, to assess the subjects’ ability to “bond and commit.”

The subjects were also tested for variants in what is known as the “vasopressin 1a gene.” Vasopressin is a peptide hormone thought to be “associated with species-typical patterns of social behavior” in many mammals.

Their “main finding,” published in the Proceedings of the National Academies of Science, was that there was an association between a particular gene variant and the ability to form “strong bonds” with their partners. They found that men carrying a variant called “334” scored “especially low” on a test called the “Partner Bonding Scale.” Translation: They find it harder to be faithful.

Not only that — women married to men with this variant scored “lower ... on levels of marital quality” than women married to men without it.

What prompted the researcher to look for a correlation between the variant and fidelity? The behavior and neurochemistry of rodents — specifically voles, better known to Discovery Channel fans as “owl chow.”

According to lead researcher Hasse Walum, “studies in voles have shown that the hormone vasopressin is released in the brain of males during mating.” Voles with higher levels of vasopressin are more likely to “stick around and mingle with the female after” a sexual encounter.

As Dave Barry might write, I’m not making this up.

Walum said that the gene variant cannot “with any real accuracy be used to predict how someone will behave in a future relationship.” And Dr. John Lucas of Cornell told the Washington Post, it was “unlikely to be a single gene [at work]” in male bonding. Instead, it was “likely to be multiple genes that are expressed incompletely and interact with the environment . . .”

Genes, environment — what’s missing from the list? That’s right — religion, morality, virtue, culture. It’s difficult to imagine a better example of what’s known as “biological determinism.” It’s the idea behind Lucas telling the Post that “genes help drive much of human behavior” and that “the individual palette of emotions and behaviors” is “probably ‘hard-wired’ by our genetics.”

While he and others acknowledge a role for training, it’s too little, too late. In a culture that believes biology is destiny, telling people that something like fidelity is genetically driven is tantamount to calling it “optional.”

But the apostle Paul, with his “thorn in the flesh,” knew that what was good had little to do what came “naturally.”

It was a lesson that Christianity helped teach the West — that is, until the West decided that men were little more than animals — in this case, owl chow.

________

Copyright (c) 2008 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

*

[Original illustration at this number was deleted for being obsolete]

A man entered a barbershop with a small boy and explained that since he had an appointment in the neighborhood he would like his hair cut first. This done, he handed the boy up into a barber chair, urged patience upon him, and departed. The barber cut the boy's hair and sat him in a waiting chair, but after half an hour the man had not returned. “Don't worry,” said the barber, “I'm sure your father will be back soon.” The boy looked startled. “He isn't my father,” he said. “He just came up to me in the street and said, 'Come along, let's both get a haircut.'“

Without endeavoring to make this comparison match in every detail, this application: The honest confession of many concerning their relationship with God would be: “He is not my Father.” And, many who have served and groomed a religious “chairman” or leader who is not a true son of God will find themselves “clipped” at the Judgment of their hoped-for, eternal reward.

-- Duane V. Maxey

Glynn Wolfe recently died alone in Los Angeles at the age of 88. No one came to claim his body; the city paid to have him buried in an unmarked grave. This is sad, but not unusual. It happens all too often in large cities where people tend to live disenfranchised lives.

Glynn's situation was unique, though, because he was no ordinary man. He held a world record. The Guinness Book listed him as the Most Married Man, with 29 marriages to his credit. This means 29 times he was asked, “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife...forsaking all others do you pledge yourself only to her, so long as you both shall live?” 29 times Glynn Wolf said, “I Do,” but it never quite worked out that way.

He died leaving behind children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, a number of living ex-wives, and innumerable ex-in-laws -- and still, he died alone. He spent his entire adult life looking for something he apparently never found -- and he died alone.

Glynn Wolf is an extreme example of how people spend their lives drifting in and out of marriages, in and out of relationships, only to find themselves isolated and alone. Even worse, there are others who spend their lives married to the same person and still end up feeling isolated and alone.

The fact is, if we look for ultimate fulfillment in marriage, or romance, or friendship, or family, we will never be satisfied. As important as these relationships are, they cannot take the place of the Ultimate Relationship for which we have been created.

Our primary purpose is to love God. When we allow secondary relationships to take God's rightful place in our lives, we become dissatisfied and frustrated. The result is, like Glynn Wolf, we end up isolated and alone.

When Jesus was asked what is the greatest commandment of all, he responded by saying...

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30)

Part two of this commandment is to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Our success in loving others is dependent upon our willingness to love God above all else, with all that we have.

Every once in a while, Karen and I get to choose what we do with an evening. That's kind of rare because of our ministry responsibilities and being involved with the needs of a lot of people. But the other night was one of those nights to choose - we could be with some friends, someone suggested going to a movie. We decided just to stay home and talk. There are really three problems with a movie theater: the junk on the floor (I think it's called cinemuk), the junk that's often on the screen, and the fact that we can't talk with each other. Now a lot of couples are together more than we are - watching TV, going to social events, following the kids' schedules. And those things are all okay, but if that's all the time a couple has together, they may be missing what really keeps a relationship alive, including the ultimate relationship.

I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about “Around, But Not With.”

There's something I've learned over the years from my relationship with Karen. It's easy to be around someone but not with him or her - like a couple watching a movie or TV. When you're just around someone, there's no real dialog, no real exchange, no real transaction, no real difference. I've done that with my Lord far too many times. Maybe you have, too.

In our word for today from the Word of God in John 8:38, Jesus talks about the source of His poise and power. As you read the Gospels, you feel this powerful sense of authority in Jesus' personality. He tells us where that kind of personal authority comes from. “I am telling you what I have seen in the Father's presence.” Jesus says, “Whatever you see in Me comes from my being with My Father.”

Now He was referring, no doubt, to His pre-Bethlehem existence as the Son of God with the Father. But we also know the way Jesus started every day on earth. The disciples would wake up, rub their eyes, and look around for their leader. At first, they asked, “Hey, where did Jesus go?” After a while, they knew. He had slipped away to begin His day in His Father's presence. That's where each day should begin. That's where they did begin at the dawn of time, as Adam walked with God.

But it's so easy to substitute being around the Lord for really being with the Lord. You can be around Jesus by being in His building, in His book, in His work, in His meetings, with His people. But being “in the Father's presence” like Jesus said, means you get in touch. You open up your heart with its deepest hurts, hopes, worries and joys. Then you listen for His response through that inner voice of the Holy Spirit.

Then there are transactions with the Lord during a time when you're with Him. Transactions where you consciously, specifically, maybe painfully, surrender something or someone to Him. You focus on the Lord exclusively and you just let His majesty happen to you.

The result? Well, you leave that room with a brand new perspective on the people and situations and decisions you're dealing with - it's God's perspective now. Like Jesus, you will be telling what you “have seen in the Father's presence.” There should be no higher priority in your personal schedule than to experience your Father's presence at the beginning of each new day. Being around your Lord isn't being with your Lord - and He is so great to be with! Don't you miss Him? Well, He misses you.

________________

Copyright © Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, Inc., PO Box 400, Harrison, AR 72602. Used by permission. Written by Ron Hutchcraft. "Practical Answers to Real Life Issues"

*

[Original illustration at this number was added to HolwickID #2661]

Little Cindy had been a bad girl. She'd been sent from the dinner table to her room. After a little while, Mom and Dad thought the point had been made. They knew that children, of course, need to be assured of our love when we've disciplined them. So, Daddy went upstairs, opened the door to Cindy's room, and found her in bed, under her covers, snuggling with her arm wrapped tightly around her favorite dolly. Her father sat on the bed and just gently said, "Cindy, I love you." Then he held out his arms to hug her. For a moment, the little girl just looked straight ahead and she hugged her dolly closer. But that couldn't last. Very soon, Cindy dropped her dolly and grabbed her Daddy in a big hug. A dolly, of course, is no substitute for a daddy!

Well, I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about "Hugging The Wrong Thing."

When little Cindy felt as if she couldn't have her Daddy's hugs, she resorted to something that just couldn't be as good as a Daddy. Sadly, many grownups make that same kind of mistake - married grownups. We feel like we're not getting the love we need from the person that is our husband or wife - so we start hugging something else.

It's a strange, but all too common phenomenon - when we don't feel our mate is loving us in our language of love and not meeting our needs, we subconsciously start pouring ourselves into something or someone else to fill the gap. And that's where the most important of all human relationships starts to drift and divide. Pretty soon, two people who pledged to be one until death did them part are living in the same house but living in two different worlds.

We set ourselves up for that heartache when start getting away from the Designer's blueprint for marriage, spelled out for the first husband and wife in history. It's in our word for today from the Word of God in Genesis 2, beginning in verse 18. "The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.' ... the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man ... a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." That's the total merging of two lives - that's the Master Plan. He is for her, she is for him, and together they will walk with God and rule what He has given them.

Tragically, sin entered the garden and their relationship, and drove a wedge between them. Sin is still doing that. And we help it happen with our own neglect. If a woman feels she is not the center of her husband's priorities and affections, she turns to her children or other relationships or arenas to meet her need. If a man is not feeling secure in his wife's love, he'll look for affirmation and identity somewhere else - by "marrying" his work or his hobby - or even with the attention of another woman.

If you sense that happening, now is the time to take your heart back to that altar where you pledged to make him or her your Number One. Let your needs be known, gently not accusingly. If necessary, seek out counseling together to get back to your first love.

Face the responsibility you have for the distance that's been developing. Put aside whatever "dolly" you've been hugging for security and wrap both arms around the person you pledged your life to. Yes, you have to work at this oneness that God created marriage to bring. But it is so worth the work. So worth the sacrifices. If you're married, God intended you to find in one another the harbor for which our hearts truly long.

________________

Copyright © Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, Inc., PO Box 400, Harrison, AR 72602. Used by permission. Written by Ron Hutchcraft. "Practical Answers to Real Life Issues"

*

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

MORE than half of all cohabiting couples who have children will split up by the time their first child is five years old, compared with just 8 per cent of married parents.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics show that although it is now increasingly socially acceptable to have children outside wedlock, marriage still provides overwhelmingly the most secure environment for children.

A separate study meanwhile showed that fewer couples were divorcing. The divorce rate fell to 13 per thousand married people in 1998 from 14 a year earlier, taking the total in England and Wales down to 145,200. That was 15,000 fewer than the previous year, which was in turn 10,000 down on 1996.

The analysis of women's relationships five years after the birth of their first child shows that only 48 per cent of cohabiting mothers were still living with the child's father, compared with 92 per cent of married mothers, and 75 per cent of those who were initially cohabiting but later married their partner.

The study also showed that having children can have a powerful cementing effect on relationships, persuading many cohabiting couples to marry.

Nearly four in ten children are now born outside wedlock, compared with one just one in five in 1985. But nearly 20 per cent of parents who simply lived together before the birth had married a year later, rising to 40 per cent five years after the birth.

Kathleen Kiernan, of the London School of Economics, author of the report, said:"It is not necessarily the fact of marriage that makes people stay together. It may be that the people who decide to marry and very different from the ones who cohabit. Those who marry are likely to be more committed, while the cohabitees are less committed."

She added: "Cohabitation is still a relatively new phenomenon and in Britain it is still more common amongst young people and those living in poverty. Once it is more widespread among all social groups, it is possible that we may go the way of Sweden, where there is little difference in the rates of separation between married and cohabiting parents."

Whether Britain follows Sweden's example will depend, in part on social attitudes, Ms Kiernan said, and in part on the success of government policies to support parenthood.

One indication that Britain may not be following Sweden and other European countries, however, is in the number of "solo mothers", or women who have their first child outside a stable partnership.

While the solo mother rate in Sweden is just 6 per cent of all first-time mothers and just 10 per cent for Europe as a whole, in Britain it is 15 per cent, having risen from 6 per cent in 1982.

And while it is too early to know for sure why fewer marriages are breaking down, the explanation appears to lie in the growing trend for couples to cohabit and the rise in the average age of marriage.

Juliet Mountford, of the Family Policy Studies Centre, said: "If people are getting married later, then perhaps by the time they do it, they have become better judges of people. Unfortunately, it does not mean that fewer families are breaking up because you have to factor in all the cohabiting couples."

A newsmagazine once described Gary Chapman as "the love doctor" in an article on his work with married couples, but his day job finds him serving as a counselor and director of adult ministries at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Chapman is best known as an author and speaker, and his best-selling book, "The Five Love Languages," has sold more than 1.5 million copies and been translated in 29 languages.

Sharing the platform with her husband, Karolyn began the evening telling the almost 7,000 women in attendance that "we all need to feel loved and sense that somebody cares about me. Our faith in Jesus assures us we are deeply loved, but God created us with the need for human love. We are made to give and speak love to others."

Chapman said during his years as a counselor he repeatedly saw couples, parents and children not connecting. "I would have a parent say they showed their love by buying their son a baseball glove or a bicycle, but what the child wanted was the parent taking the time to teach them to ride a bike or throw a baseball.

"A pattern developed and after 30 years of counseling, I came up with the five basic languages of love," he said.

An overview of the five languages are:

• Words of affirmation, or building someone up with positive words.

• Acts of service, or doing something to show love to a spouse or child.

• Giving of gifts, or providing visible symbols of love.

• Quality time, or spending time with a loved one and focusing

exclusively on him or her.

• Physical touch, or providing the emotional power of physical touch.

"Each of us has a primary love language," he said. "We probably respond positively to all or most of the five languages, but there is one that really makes us feel loved. It fills up our love tank."

Chapman emphasized it is rare that a husband and wife have the same language. "We usually use our primary love language on our spouse and soon discover we are not connecting and we are becoming frustrated. It is important to speak the love language of your spouse."

To discover one's love language, Chapman gave three clues.

• Observe how you love other people or express your love.

• What do you complain about most often?

• What do you request most often? For example fill in the blank, "If you

love me, you would [blank]."

To discover the love language of a spouse or child, Chapman said the same clues apply.

"I am often asked what to do if your spouse's love language is not natural to you. My response is if it is not natural, it shows your love for them even more," he said. "The important thing to remember is we are not talking about your comfort level; we are talking about your love for the other person. Love is something you do for someone else."

Chapman admitted it is often difficult to love an unlovely person, but with God's power it is possible. "It is hard for an individual to turn away from love expressed in his or her love language. Be a channel of God's love."

(see also HolwickID #4642)

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More Americans are chosing cohabitation over marriage. Better than half of today's newlyweds live together before tying the knot, compared to 10 percent in 1965. "Living in sin," as it used to be called, was illegal in every state before 1970. Further research has found that while unmarried cohabitors have sex more often than married couples (once more per month), there's also more cheating by both partners, as well as more domestic violence and more cases of depression. Some sociologists doing this research are urging young adults to reject the argument that cohabitation is good preparation for marriage.

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Submitted by Jerry De Luca

Montreal, Canada

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"Study: Live-ins Likely To Break Up"

By Laura Meckler, c. The Associated Press. July 25, 2002.

WASHINGTON (July 25) - Dorian Solot isn't surprised by the rising number of couples living together before marriage. "They want to be absolutely sure this is the right person before they say, 'I do' for a lifetime," she said.

But a report released Wednesday suggests they may be hurting, not helping, their marriage prospects: These marriages are significantly more likely to end in divorce.

That is partly because people who choose to live together tend to be younger, less religious or have other qualities that put them at risk for divorce, said Catherine Cohan, assistant professor of human development and family studies at Penn State University. But that may not fully explain it, she said.

"Many people enter a cohabiting relationship where the deal is, 'If this doesn't work out we can split up and it's no big loss because we don't have a legal commitment,"' she said. "The commitment is tenuous, and that tenuous commitment might carry over into marriage."

It is one of several findings from a comprehensive report on cohabitation, marriage and divorce, described as the detailed look at cohabitation, marriage and divorce ever produced.

The report, based on a survey of nearly 11,000 women, found that by age 30, three in four women have been married and half have lived with a partner outside marriage.

It identified numerous risk factors for divorce: People who are young, with low incomes, no religious affiliation and less education. Also, children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce themselves.

Overall, 43 percent of marriages break up within 15 years, according to data from the National Survey of Family Growth.

Black women are least likely to marry and most likely to divorce, with more than half splitting within 15 years. Asian marriages are the most stable, with whites and Hispanics in between.

Women are waiting longer to get married than they used to, and after a divorce, they are less likely to remarry than women once were.

The survey, released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found that 70 percent of those who lived together for at least five years did eventually walk down the aisle.

But these marriages are also more likely to break up. After 10 years, 40 percent of couples that had lived together before marriage had broken up. That compares with 31 percent of those who did not live together first.

Part of the problem may be attitudes toward cohabitation are different than attitudes about marriage, said Wade Horn, a marriage expert who directs children and family programs at the Department of Health and Human Services.

When living together, he said, the attitude is "I vow to stay together with you as long as you make me happy." In a marriage, people focus on making their partners happy.

"If you're used to viewing being together as a test of the other person's ability to take care of your needs, once you get married it's hard to just switch that," Horn said.

Solot, executive director of the Boston-based Alternatives to Marriage Project, is more optimistic - as long as couples begin living together with similar expectations.

"If one of you thinks you're headed for the altar and the other thinks you're just splitting the cost of rent, you're both in for a surprise," she said.

The report, based on 1995 data, found other groups facing a high risk of divorce, including:

-Young people. Nearly half of those who marry under age 18 and 40 percent under age 20 get divorced. Over age 25, it's just 24 percent. The difference is maturity, says Chicago psychologist Kate Wachs. "A lot of young people focus on right now, and if I'm not happy right now, I should get divorced," said Wachs, author of "Relationships for Dummies." Older people have more life experience and realize "if I hang in there, it will probably get better."

-Nonreligious people. Affiliating with religion - any religion - helps. Of those who don't consider themselves part of any religious group, 46 percent were divorced within 10 years.

-Children of divorce. Women whose parents were divorced are significantly more likely to divorce themselves, with 43 percent splitting after 10 years. Among those whose parents stayed together, the divorce rate was just 29 percent.

The report also found:

-Broken marriages do not always lead to divorce, with many separated couples still legally married. This was particularly true for black women: Just 67 percent of women who were separated from their husbands were divorced three years after the separation.

-Just over half of divorced women - 54 percent - get married again within five years. These rates have been falling since the 1950s, when 65 percent of divorced women remarried.

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