Sex in Christian preaching addresses the God-ordained gift of human sexuality meant for marriage, emphasizing purity, pleasure within boundaries, and the dangers of misuse (Hebrews 13:4). Illustrations often use images of rivers, boundaries, and protection to convey the balance between joy and responsibility, highlighting the call to honor God with our bodies.
Survey by Josh McDowell shows 65% of church-attending youth have had sexual experience by age 18 (43% have had intercourse). About 10-15 percentage points behind general population. Fundamental churches were surveyed. McDowell is launching "Why Wait?" campaign. (Other stats given).
Shy Japanese couple, Sachi and Tomio Hidaka, waited 14 years to consummate marriage, had heart attacks in doing it. They could barely make eye contact when fully clothed. Much in love, but more in regard to spirituality and mutual respect. She wrote in diary, "Tomio and I are very much afraid but it's now or never. Tonight is the night." (Chiba, Japan)
Paul admonishes, "Do not abstain except for spiritual reasons and for a short time." (1 Cor 7:5).
Why people are significant in God's sight, even when they don't feel it. How people deal with feelings of insignificance - drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.
Problem of pleasure. Why should sex be fun? God is source of all good gifts. Pleasure is a good, and also a grave danger. Not an end in itself. Promiscuity does not overvalue sex, but devalues it.
Book of Ecclesiastes deals with problem of pleasure. “Wholesale devotion to pleasure paradoxically leads to a state of utter despair.”
Instead of just preaching against abuses of God's good gifts, Christians should inform world where these good gifts actually come from and why they are good. “Hypocrisy is the homage [or respect] vice pays to virtue.”
When criticized for being uptight and restrictive, Christians should counter that “one ripe, juicy pear, [would be] devalued if a person ate five pears in a mere absence of mind.” (adapted from a statement by G. K. Chesterton)
Author's teenage daughter's car broke down. Two men offered her a ride and flashed a detective's badge. She saw dirty clothes in back seat and refused. They were later arrested for posing as police and raping young women.
80% increase in child molesting from 1983 to 1985 in reports from 29 states. An estimated 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 8 boys are sexually abused before age 18. Most vulnerable years between 9 and 12.
Sex lures: Affection/Love
Assistance
Authority
Bribery
Ego/Fame
Emergency
Fun and Games
Magic and Rituals
Pornography
Heroes
Jobs (John Gacy of Chicago used this lure)
Actual illustrations given in each category, and ways to prevent it from happening.
Nigel Blundell, deputy Editor of the London tabloid, the Star, says the three best words in the newspaper business, in alphabetical order, are "free," "sex" and "win." He tries to use them frequently in headlines.
Poor Brooklyn preacher does funeral for AIDS victim. 25-30 homosexuals watched frozenly. Gave generic sermon, went to graveside. No one spoke. When he was done they didn't move. He turned to ask if there was anything further he could do for them, and one asked him to read the 23rd Psalm. A second asked for Romans 8. 'When I read to those men that nothing could separate them from the love of God, I saw some signs of emotion on their faces for the first time. Then, one after the other, they made special requests for me to read favorite passages of Scripture. I stood there for an hour reading Scripture to those homosexual men before we went to our cars.'
Homosexuals feel Christians despise them. But we must love neighbors. They need justice and non-discrimination.
Orientation must be distinguished from behavior. God does not expect them to be converted into heterosexuals. Not all prayers are answered. Tension led one Christian gay to commit suicide.
Homosexual orientation is inborn, not acquired. Biological factors cause it. Horomones may be a key. Most homosexuals do not choose it. Condition is due to fallen condition of Nature.
Romans 1 is not against "unnatural gays" but against all gay behavior. 1 Cor 6:9 and 1 Tim 1:10 may be against pedastery. Much preaching against homosexuality is due to homophobia and twists Scripture.
Covenants of love are possible among Christian homosexuals as long as there is no sex. It is not the same as marriage. Communities with this commitment are also possible. Cure for their loneliness.
The gospel is good news for homosexuals.
(Bibliography)
Effective arguments why God wants us to wait for sex till marriage:
1. Protection from God's judgment.
2. Protect the mind from sexual comparisons.
3. Protect from suspicion and provide trust.
4. Protect from fear and provide peace of mind.
5. Rules without a relationship equal rebellion.
#640
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Catholic churches are requiring couples to live apart for up to 6 months in order to have a large church wedding. Half refuse the request to separate. Financial problems are often used to justify it. Couples are also required to take prepatory courses taught by older couples.
Book review. Duin shows how singles can deal with sexuality without denying it. Reviewer says she is unrealistic, suggesting that sexual expression results in promiscuity.
#797
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Sermon series on 10 gates in Nehemiah. The "old gate" (or path) must be stuck to, and it needs to be repaired. Application made to abortion, divorce, sex, and old fashioned morality.
Biography portrays C.S. Lewis as a blustery, hard-drinking eccentric whose
private life included liaisons with two married women. Lewis was a marred
saint.
*1130
Not being married is a definite health hazard. Single middle-aged men were twice as likely to die during a 10-year span as men with wives according to a team of researchers from the Univ of California, San Francisco. Living with other people doesn't help. Worse rates are for those who were widowed, separated or divorced. Those who are married have better nutrition and sense of "well-being."
"Because they are cared for by nurturing wives, they just plain feel happier than the other guys do."
[see #1290]
(see #1475) A task force of Presbyterians produced a statement promoting "justice-love" which overturns Biblical morality. Exerpts from the report are given.
When I was in high school Ann Landers printed a purity test, which we discussed at our church youth group.
It was the kind of test where you earn points according to you level of experience. For example:
Holding Hands - one point
Kissing - three points
Now I'm not going to go into details, but this test covered just about everything.
In the end we added up our points to see how depraved we were. Even in this church group, kids were bragging about how high they scored.
My sister, on the other hand, only got a six. She didn't tell anyone because she was ashamed.
If Jesus was up-to-date, he would say, "Blessed are the slease-balls, for they will be envied."
But he doesn't say that. He says, "Blessed are the pure in heart."
It is almost impossible to exist in our society without being exposed to sexually explicit literature, movies and songs, not to mention clothing styles.
When I was around 7 or 8 my mother took a station-wagon-full of my friends and me to a drive-in theater. We loaded up on popcorn and candy, and waited for Bambi to begin. But first there were the previews of upcoming attractions. Before my mom could slip into reverse, we caught an eyeful of the classic movie, "Prisoners of Desire."
It was apparently about a female prison where the inmates were exposed to the most degrading perversions. The preview left nothing to our young imaginations, and my mom had a tough time explaining the significance.
#2454
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The first comprehensive survey since Kinsey smashes some of our most intimate myths about sexuality. Most studies (Playboy, Kinsey) have been deeply flawed in methodology even though their results (half of American men had extramarital affairs) were widely publicized.
Among interesting results:
• Married couples have sex more frequently than singles.
• Adultery is the exception, not the rule – 94% of married people were faithful in the past year.
• 83% have one or zero sexual partners in a year.
• Over a lifetime, men have six sexual partners and women have two.
• We don’t go in for kinky stuff.
• There are a lot fewer active homosexuals than the oft-repeated 1 in 10, with only 2.7% of men and 1.3% of women reported homosexual sex in past year.
• Conservative Protestant women are the most sexually satisfied.
Most people marry people who resemble them in terms of age, education, race and social status, thus the pool of available partners seems so small, especially for professional women in their 30s and 40s. “You can still fall in love across a crowded room,” says Gagnon, “It’s just that society determines whom you’re in the room with.”
Applied to the AIDS crisis, the research team notes that AIDS spread quickly among intravenous drug users and homosexuals, but the social circles these groups travel in are so rigidly circumscribed that AIDS is unlikely to spread widely in the heterosexual population.
There is a perceptual gulf between the sexes that is reminiscent of the scene in “Annie Hall” where Woody Allen tells his psychiatrist that he and Annie have sex “hardly ever, maybe three times a week,” and she tells hers that they do it “constantly; I’d say three times a week.” In the Chicago study, 54% of the men say they think about sex every day or several times a day. By contrast, 67% of the women say they think about it only a few times a week or a few times a month. Twenty-two percent of women say they have been forced to do sexual things, while only 3% of men admit to ever forcing themselves on women.
The basic message of “Sex in America” is that men and women have found a way to come to terms with each other’s sexuality — and it is called marriage. “Our study,” write the authors, “clearly shows that no matter how sexually active people are before and between marriages… marriage is such a powerful social institution that, essentially, married people are all alike — they are faithful to their partners as long as the marriage is intact.”
#3427
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Sermon in John series. Samaritan woman at well. John 4:4-29
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A NINETIES KIND OF WOMAN
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I. Are you satisfied?
II. A meeting of opposites.
III. Jesus drops the "hook." 4:10
IV. Getting a husband.
A. Jesus' simple request brings out her condition. 4:16
B. Sex as the new religion.
C. Our desire for sexuality is really a desire for meaning.
V. When cornered, use religion.
A. Woman is cut to soul, perceives Jesus as prophet. 4:19
B. Where is right place to worship? 4:20
C. Further deflection by woman. 4:25
VI. Only Jesus can satisfy.
A. All of us make bad choices.
B. When our deepest thirst is satisfied, all other things take
their rightful place in life.
C. Surest sign he satisfies you - you go and tell others.
“Are you still a virgin?”
I posed the question a few days ago to a teenager of my acquaintance. The kid grimaced in discomfort, made the face of someone about to confess a mortal sin and replied, “Yes. Please don’t tell anybody.”
I found the attitude and the answer troubling. Granted, teenagers - especially boys - have never found virginity an easy cross to bear. But... ‘please don’t tell anybody’? Isn’t that something you say when you’re confessing shameful behavior? Wasn’t there once a time when a kid could admit to chastity without feeling as though it was a character defect? Is this really what we fought the sexual revolution for?
You remember the sexual revolution, don’t you? Rallying cry of the sybaritic ‘60s and sensual ‘70s, a jihad waged by the hedonistic young (and not so young) who happily dropped both inhibitions and underwear in the crusade to overthrow the old order. Not that the old order wasn’t in dire need of overthrowing, characterized as it was by dual standards, sexual repression, closed minds and open hypocrisy.
But listening to my young friend, you have to wonder if the new order is, on balance, all that much better.
That’s always the problem with revolutions, of course. It’s difficult to make the transition from the fiery emotion of shoving aside the old to the hard work of shaping the new.
In the case of the sexual revolution, our failure to make that transition - or even really to try - has left us with a society that preaches from two sides of the same mouth, praising abstinence while at the same time lifting lust. Nothing wrong with a little lust between consenting adults, mined you. But the issue is not adults. It’s children. It’s the things children are told, allowed to see or just exposed to by dint of living in this sex-addled age. True, parents are limited in their power to control access. But the fact is, many of us don’t even use the power we do have.
Which is why, from a tarted-up little beauty queen to the latest buttocks- grinding hot mama on the MTV video, kids are increasingly the fuel for and targets of a mass-media machine that presents sex as a consequence-free encounter between nodding acquaintances. In the age of AIDS, this is not simply irresponsible and stupid. It is downright abhorrent.
We have swung from repression to obsession in the space of a generation. Yet this is where the revolution has left us. Freedom without responsibility. Indeed, consider recent news stories about the HIV-positive crack dealer in New York State who is accused of having had sex with up to 75 young women and adolescent girls in the 14 months after his diagnosis. Most observers seem rightly repulsed at the thought of this man, in singer Pat Benatar’s memorable phrase, using sex as a weapon. But you know the part that also stops me?
Seventy-five women and girls. Fourteen months.
Those are numbers that ought to trouble us, even absent the specter of AIDS. Numbers that almost certainly point to exceedingly casual relationships and, in some cases I’ll bet, no relationship at all beyond that which can be forged while rutting around beneath the sheets.
This is freedom?
[Heavens], no.
This is suicide, a death of the spirit, a killing of self-worth, a slow slide on a shallow curve. Until we reach the upside-down place where the kid who holds out for something more is the one who feels shameful and wrong.
We have swung from repression to obsession in the space of a generation. Now we need to swing back. Not, certainly, to the days of ignorance, silence, and “if you do it, you’ll go blind.” But to some midpoint, at least, which, allows space for a child to be a child, a place that respects that special moment in life and guards it against the pressures that push children toward experiences for which they are physically and emotionally unready.
The revolution never made that place. Instead it left adolescent virgins feeling the need to apologize for their innocence.
Which tells me that the makers of revolution fought for freedom without truly understanding it. Because freedom is not pressure, apology, or the fear of being ostracized. Freedom is the right to make your own decision. It is the right to say yes.
And also, the right to say no.
________
Leonard Pitts is a columnist for the Miami Herald.
Dear Ann Landers: You have printed many letters about extramarital affairs. Here are some things your readers should be aware of:
· About half the men and a third of the women who are cheating say they are perfectly content and there is nothing wrong with their marriages.
· Being religious does not prevent infidelity.
· Women are as willing as men to have an affair.
· Fewer than 10 percent of those having an affair will divorce their spouses to marry their lovers. A large percentage of those who do often have another divorce.
· People who have affairs are more likely to be divorced, distressed and disappointed.
· The chemistry that drives an affair lasts anywhere from a few weeks to three years before it cools down.
Infidelity can happen to anyone. Here are a few tips for your readers to affair-proof their marriages. I call them “the four P's” for prevention:
· Be protective of your marriage. Avoid risky situations such as long lunches with a co-worker or drinks for two after work. Most people do not plan to be unfaithful.
· Be positive. Look for what is right in your spouse and tell him or her daily. People who have love affairs are often looking for appreciation and affirmation.
· Be polite. Always talk to your spouse with respect. Be careful what you say to each other and how you say it. Show courtesy and caring in the way you treat one another.
· Be playful, and make fun, sex, and humor a mainstay in your marriage. Schedule time to play with one another, and have a “date night” at least once a week.
Marriages can and do survive affairs, and many become stronger having weathered the crisis but not without pain and a genuine desire to recommit.
L.S., Ph.D., Seattle, Spokesman-Review, October 4, 1997
Extra-Marital Affairs
Dr. Tom McGuiness, a counseling psychologist in New Jersey, gives this explanation of why many affairs take place:
“Married people seek out or succumb to affairs when they feel devalued or less than fully alive. They are bored. Overburdened. People who have affairs have a child's deep longing to be touched, caressed, held, hugged and kissed, whether they admit it or not. They want happy surprises. That might mean a sentimental unexpected gift every once in a while. More important, it is the dependable gift of time and caring. The present of shared ideas, experiences, stories, nonsense and games, including sexual games. They want the world to butt out. They want a loving friend, a pal who isn't judgmental. They want someone to convince them they're still loved, lovable and very special. For a little while, now and then, they want out from under the grown-up responsibilities that have become predictable, dreary and difficult.”
If these are the reasons extra-marital affairs occur, couldn't we guard against them by seeking to meet our mates' deepest needs for affection, security, friendship, and sexual fulfillment? Maybe the best prevention for an affair outside marriage is to plan one with the man or woman we're married to!
From Bad Beginnings to Happy Endings, by Ed Young (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers., 1994), pp. 122-123.
Women who Cheat
There is a direct correlation between age at loss of virginity and having an affair later in life. In women who have their first sexual relationship at age 21, or later, cheating occurs with only 16%. But for those who have their first sexual relationship at a younger age, up to 50% cheat on a future mate.
Homemade, Vol. 10, No. 7, quoted from Female Sexuality
Demosthenes
Long ago Demosthenes had written: “We keep prostitutes for pleasure; we keep mistresses for the day to day needs of the body; we keep wives for the begetting of children and for the faithful guardianship of our homes. So long as a man supported his wife and family there was no shame whatsoever in extra-marital affairs.”
Sanctity of Life, C. Swindoll, Word, 1990, p. 62
Sermon in Ten Commandments series. "Do not commit adultery." Exod 20:14
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GREENER GRASS
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I. The fun sin.
A. There's nothing new under the sun.
B. Is adultery universal or rare?
II. Attacking the foundations.
A. Marriage is a covenant, a mutual promise before God.
B. Adultery breaks that bond.
C. Adultery is a great sin.
III. Causes of adultery.
A. Uncertain standards.
B. Unrestrained sexuality.
C. Unfulfilled desires.
D. Undisciplined lifestyles.
IV. Five practical steps for protecting your marriage.
A. If single, only marry a Christian. 2 Cor 6:14
B. Center your married life on Christ.
C. Make your spouse a priority.
D. Meet your partner's sexual needs.
E. Avoid relationships that might tempt you.
V. Adultery is not the unpardonable sin.
A. God's grace is greater than your sin.
B. God wants to liberate us.
Sermon.
"GOD'S STANDARDS FOR SEX"
I. Dilemma of sexuality.
A. Intense curiosity, joy.
B. Intense pain, ruin.
II. Sexual standards in the church.
A. In the past they were very strict.
B. Current standards are much looser.
III. God's standards for sex.
A. Sexuality is good.
B. Sexuality has boundaries.
C. Sexuality must be as broad as Christian freedom.
IV. Personal sexuality.
A. Christians must know where they stand on matters of sexuality.
B. Your relationship with God is intimately bound up with sexuality.
C. Self-control is possible and expected. 1 Thess 4:4
V. Final perspective on sexuality.
A. Sexuality is only one area of obedience among many.
B. Failure can be forgiven.
C. Intimacy can be enhanced among Christians.
#3317
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A $2.5 million program in Philadelphia designed to lower teen pregnancy rates by increasing contraceptive awareness had little impact, according to a recent study published in Family Planning Perspectives.
Sociologists extensively surveyed teens both before and after the two-year program to measure its impact. By expanding contraceptive services in clinics, targeting neighborhoods with teens especially at risk for pregnancy, the program intended to reduce pregnancy rates.
Despite initial evidence that pointed toward success, a final analysis showed no improvement in the target areas in comparison to the rest of the city. In fact, pregnancy rates actually increased slightly during the two-year period among the target area and the city at large.
"Our results suggest that devoting increased resources to teenage clinics ... is ineffective in ... reducing pregnancy rates in the teenage population," the authors reported.
The authors suggest the best strategy for reducing the U.S. teen birth rate is a drive to make sexual abstinence the norm.
"One strategy, consistent with our data, is to focus on changing what is considered normal behavior for teenagers through intensive public health campaigns akin to those focusing on smoking," they noted. With such a strategy, over time behavioral norms could shift "toward abstinence and safer sex," they added.
More than two-thirds of children born to American teenagers today are born out of wedlock, and the rising teen birthrate is creating a new zeal to promote the familiar message of sexual abstinence before marriage.
Organizers of a Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) abstinence campaign hope some healthy peer pressure can help turn the tide.
“There was a girl here in Nashville who got up in front of a group and gave testimony that she thought she was the only virgin in her high school,” says Jimmy Hester, who developed the program with Richard Ross at the SBC. “She’d had that feeling until she said something about this, and others rallied around her to say, ‘I believe the same thing.’ It’s that support from their peers that’s really making a difference in their lives.”
The roots of the current program were planted five years ago when the SBC’S Sunday School Board prepared a curriculum for Christian sex education and began hearing from parents and teenagers seeking denominational guidance on abstinence. From their interest grew True Love Waits, a campaign to promote biblical sexuality and premarital abstinence for teens. “Parents were hearing messages -- whether it be safe sex messages or whatever -- that they just didn’t believe were true to their faith,” says Hester.
The program quickly grew beyond its SBC origins, even though organizers had not planned to take it outside the denomination for at least a year after its April 1993 unveiling. “Well, it didn’t take 48 hours before that started happening,” says Hester, “and the momentum since then has been unbelievable.”
At the SBC annual convention in Orlando, Florida, last month, more than 102,000 signed chastity cards were placed in the lawn outside the meeting site.
That momentum will receive a major boost July 29 when as many as 500,000 signed abstinence pledges will be displayed on the Capitol Mall in Washington, D.C. Also featured will be a concert by contemporary Christian musicians such as DeGarmo & Key, Steven Curtis Chapman, the Newsboys, and DC Talk, some of whom also contributed songs to a True Love Waits compact disk recently released on the Genevox label.
WORLDWIDE CRUSADE
Though press coverage of the campaign has been largely positive, one sign of broad support was its adoption by Roman Catholics in the United States. Len Wenke, executive director of the National Federation of Catholic Youth Ministry, says True Love Waits is “a new way of sharing an old message for us.”
Through Wenke’s group, the True Love Waits message is being made available to diocesan leaders, who can choose to use it in the nation’s 23,000 parishes and reach millions of Catholic youth.
Also adopting True Love Waits are the Wesleyan Church, Assemblies of God, the Pentecostal Church of God, and Youth for Christ. True Love Waits, which already has been translated into four languages, “really has become a worldwide movement,” says Hester.
Covenant cards from the Washington, D.C, event will join cards from around the world at a 1995 Baptist World Alliance meeting in Buenos Aires.
________
Copyright (c) 1994 Christianity Today, Inc./CHRISTIANITY TODAY Magazine ctjul94mrw4T80585619
A skeptic's take on the Christian stance on sex:
In practice the Judaeo-Christian attempt to restrict sex is largely unsuccessful: Most parties to marriage-like relationships have affairs, commit adultery, visit prostitutes, or somehow circumvent the restriction, having to be deceitful and hypocritical in the process.
So in a 'family values' dispensation the choices for combining nature's kindly gift of sex with the great pleasures and benefits of domestic relationships are:
1. marriage breakdown;
2. deceit and hypocrisy;
3. an unnatural self-denial.
The late Wilt Chamberlain had great numbers as an NBA star, but the number he will probably be remembered for most is 20,000. That is how many women the never-married Chamberlain claimed in his autobiography to have slept with.
What few may remember though, says columnist Clarence Page, is Chamberlain "went on to write that he would have traded all 20,000 for the one woman he wanted to stay with for keeps."
-- Clarence Page,
"Remembering The Big Dipper’s Other Statistics,"
Chicago Tribune (10/17/99)
*
It was a matter of apparent coincidence that I ran across two items that just may be related. The only obvious thing they have in common is that they scan the 20-year period from 1973 to 1993. But I suspect there is something more significant.
The first was a statistical overview of American prisons during the period. In 1973 there were 210,000 people in prisons across the United States; the incarceration rate was 98 per 100,000 of our citizens, well behind the infamously high rates of imprisonment in the Soviet Union and South Africa. At year's end last year, 856,000 Americans were in prison, with another 425,000 in our jails; the total incarceration rate was thus 512 per 100,000.
The United States of America now leads the world in the percentage of its citizens behind bars. Are we safer with these people off the streets? Hardly. Violent crime has increased over 75 percent from 1973 to the present.
The second was a 1973 article from Newsweek. A syndicated columnist lamented what he called "The End of Outrage." His thesis was that events in the '60s moved us away from moral outrage over obvious evil to ethical insensitivity. "Nothing is forbidden. We cannot be shocked in the United States anymore," he wrote. "We are so cool and so hard and so hip any more, we are so wisely cynical to every one of life's darkest possibilities, that there has grown a large dead spot inside us all. Somewhere along the [way] ... our last remaining bits of innocence got stomped to death."
The writer cited the then-current movie, "Deep Throat" and the then-recent network broadcasts of such events as "Alice Cooper's sex-and-violence show" and Chuck Berry singing "I Want to Play with My Ding-a-Ling." He dared raise the possibility that things such as these might have a negative impact on young people.
Wonder what he might think about today's crop of movies, rapper Ice-T's song that glorifies killing police, Madonna's "Girlie Show" tour, a culture where the dialogues of Beavis and Butt-Head are more studied than the dialogues of Plato, and where ABC treats the nation to Stephen Bochco's indulgent exercise with R-rated language, nudity and sex on NYPD Blue's opening episode?
A shock-proof culture has been created in America. Nothing is wrong or immoral. Nothing can be forbidden. No lines can be drawn. So nothing is sacred, and no one is safe!
If we ever realize what is being done to truth, values, and decency in our world, perhaps we will move beyond current "political correctness" to champion a restoration of civility. If something doesn't happen soon, what will our situation be 20 years from now? -- Rubel Shelly; Nashville, TN
Romance and courtship have changed a lot in recent years, and not necessarily for the better. For those who think flowers, chocolates, or love poetry are still the medium of choice, consider a couple of recent personal ads from the "Washingtonian" magazine:
One wealthy Romeo says he's looking for a "drop dead gorgeous, sensitive, passionate" woman to share his Caribbean holiday.
Another, who describes himself as a "financially secure" executive, wants you to call if you're a "strikingly beautiful woman" who enjoys "fast boats and overseas travel."
By offering financial incentives in exchange for female companionship, it would seem that a lot of men these days view romance through a crass economic lens. It's one more example of how romance and courtship have been corrupted in our time.
How in the world did this happen?
As my colleague Anne Morse recently wrote in "Boundless" internet magazine, Historian Beth Bailey just might have the answer. Bailey observes that until the start of the twentieth century, dating as we know it did not exist. If a boy wanted to get to know a girl, he had to wait until she invited him to her home.
But between 1890 and 1925, young women began moving from the farms to the cities. Jammed together in crowded rooms, they no longer had parlors into which to invite gentlemen callers. As a result, Bailey writes, "A 'good time' ... became identified with public places and commercial amusements."
The move from private parlors to public dance halls, she says, "fundamentally altered the balance of power between men and women." Men no longer had to wait for women to invite them to their homes. Instead, women now waited for men to invite them on dates.
Little by little, Bailey writes, dating "moved courtship into the world of the economy. Men's money was at the center of the dating system." This led to a view of "dating as a system of exchange best understood ... as an economic system." In a sense, the author says, a woman was "selling her company to [a man]."
The implications of this arrangement have recently become chillingly apparent. A survey of boys found that more than half thought that if a man spends "a lot of money" on his date, it's okay to demand that she have sex with him. And other research finds that many young women agree.
What a departure this is from the traditional understanding of courtship and marriage.
You see, the biblical view of courtship and marriage teaches that couples are to put aside their own selfish desires and focus on the interests of the loved one. But the cold, hard world of economics teaches the opposite message: that we're entitled to a "return on investment."
When it comes to romance, today's young women might consider taking a leaf out of their great-grandmothers' etiquette books. For example, instead of letting a man pay for an expensive dinner, suggest options that cost little or nothing: Take in a free concert, lecture, or ballgame, or attend church activities together. Tell your date you're insisting on this, not because you're a control-driven feminist, but because you are a true traditionalist.
And remember, the economic game works both ways. All those rich Romeos trying to buy women's company through vulgar classified ads may find the drop dead gorgeous, sensitive, passionate woman they're looking for -- only to find that she's a gold digger who takes them for everything they've got.
___________________
Copyright (c) 2000 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.
Imagine that you're attending the wedding of a girl you once dated. As you go through the receiving line, the groom suddenly puts his hand on your arm and says, "I want to thank you for standing watch over my wife's heart. Thank you for guarding her purity."
Well, how many people think it's their job to guard other people's purity? Joshua Harris, the author of a best-selling book called I KISSED DATING GOODBYE, thinks it's everyone's job.
Most Christians claim they desire purity in their relationships, but Harris asks, "do we live the kind of lives that foster this purity?"
Many kids think they're pure enough if they refrain from going "all the way." But that's not good enough, says Harris. True purity is not some point on a sexual scale. It's "a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness."
We cannot simultaneously explore the boundaries of purity -- getting as close to the sexual edge as possible -- and also pursue righteousness. And that's why Harris advises young teens against "dating." Couples who date one-on-one struggle against their desire to be physically intimate. The longer they date, the stronger the desire becomes.
If we really want purity, he says, we have to change both our attitudes and our lifestyles. For starters, we must learn to "respect the deep significance of physical intimacy."
The secular world says it's okay to fool around, to "try out" people emotionally and sexually. But God says to guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between husband and wife -- and that means before marriage as well as after.
Well, you may be thinking, "one little kiss can't possibly do any harm." But look at it this way. Harris writes that God designed sex "to end in full consummation ... Physical interaction encourages us to start something we're not supposed to finish. It awakens desires we're not allowed to consummate, turning on passions we have to turn off."
And that's why, he says, "I avoid one-on-one dating.... It encourages physical intimacy and places me in an isolated setting with a girl. Can't I handle it?" Harris asks. "Yeah, maybe I could ... but that's not the point. I won't stick around to see how much temptation I can take."
Harris urges other teens to do likewise, to adopt a lifestyle that promotes purity instead of threatening it. Young men "need to stop acting like 'hunters' trying to catch girls and begin seeing [themselves] as warriors standing guard over them," he says. And young women must not, by actions, words, or choice of clothing, deliberately stir up lusts in their brothers in Christ.
...Learn why Christ said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." You'll also increase your chances for happiness here on earth.
___________________
Copyright (c) 2000 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I am 41. For 20 years, I worked as a bank teller and never had a problem. Two years ago, the bank began hiring its first male tellers. Twice a week, I worked alone with "Bob" until the drive-in window closed. Bob was nice, good-looking, neat and a pleasure to work with. The teller area is small, and we got to know each other pretty well. Before long, he told me that his marriage was miserable and he had no feelings for his wife. The next night, after closing, Bob suddenly embraced me, said I was the most exciting woman he had ever met and promised to divorce his wife if I would let him make love to me. Even though I had a good husband and two lovely children, I gave in. Our affair went on for several months, and Bob said it was the happiest time of his life. We agreed that we would divorce our mates and get married. I asked my husband for a divorce. He was stunned but said, "All right, if that's what you want." When I asked Bob if he had talked to his wife, he said, "I'm afraid you've taken this fling too seriously." Within weeks, Bob got another job and left the bank without so much as a goodbye. I was in shock and heartsick. I begged my husband to forgive me, and thank God he did. I'm not asking for advice, Ann. I just want businesses to know what can happen when they create situations where men and women work closely together in isolation. --Naive in Missouri.
DEAR MISSOURI: Don't blame "businesses." It was your failure to conduct yourself in a mature and responsible manner that caused the mess. Temptation is often the test of what we are made of. Sorry your lesson was such a painful one, but consider yourself lucky you have a forgiving husband.
From: Jim Hopkins, Hopkins@snowhill.com
Subject: What if Bill Clinton was King David?
Message-ID: 3611ABC2.F30BEFF3@snowhill.com
What if Bill Clinton was King David? (2 Samuel 11-12)
His Address to the nation:
My fellow countrymen, I have requested this air time on ISRL to speak to you about questions regarding my relationship to a woman you've heard a lot about in recent months. I mean of course, my newest wife Bathsheba.
You may have wondered about our marriage so soon after the death of one of our national heroes, her late husband Uriah.
Many rumors have been spread concerning the tragic death of our son shortly after his birth. As you can well imagine, this has been a painful time for my family and me.
I acknowledge that there was something inappropriate about my relationship with this woman before our marriage.
I realize that my silence coupled with my previous statements may concern you. My assertion that I did not have sexual relations with my wife before our marriage was technically correct (for she was not my wife before our marriage). I was also correct when I affirmed that when Uriah was killed in battle I had nothing to do with it, because General Joab issued the battle orders. I, however, did not volunteer to reveal any information. You may feel you have been misled.
There are reasons for my silence and my previous statements. For one thing, I did not see any reason I should suffer public embarrassment by revelations about one of my personal relationships. I have also been concerned about the impact of this information on my other wives and children.
And I did not feel it proper for anyone to cast a shadow over my latest marriage or the sorrow of a recently widowed woman I have tried to comfort.
But there is another reason, and it is the cause of the anger you discern in my voice and demeanor tonight. I have had enough of that meddling investigative and judgmental prophet Nathan. What happened between Bathsheba and me should have remained a matter to be handled within the royal family and it would have if Nathan had not burst uninvited into my palace and tricked me, by taking advantage of my compassionate nature, into saying things better left unsaid.
You need to know that this prophet Nathan is mean-spirited. In addition to exposing my private life, he has heartlessly announced "judgments", short-term and long-term, for my mistake. You won't believe this, but he says the death of our son was the result of what he calls "my sin". Can you imagine the anguish this has caused grieving parents?
He also has the audacity to predict that, while I may be forgiven, I must live with the consequences of my actions the rest of my life. He says my family will always experience conflict and that I will be humiliated "in broad daylight" for what I did "in secret". All this after I replaced a failed king, united the country, defeated its enemies, and moved the ark to Jerusalem. What kind of man is this?
Enough is enough. This matter is between me and my family and our God. It is not the business of the prophet or anyone else. It will be settled within our family and in the privacy of our personal consciences.
I'm sure you agree. Which of the elders of Israel or which of you could stand up under the scrutiny of a prying prophet like Nathan? Citizens, and yes, even kings, have a right to privacy.
It is time to move on. My family and I need time to heal from the tragedies we've experienced and from the unmerciful probing of this prophet. As a nation we need to deal with the current threats of the Philistines and Ammonites, to deepen our national unity, and to build on the prosperity I've brought you during my reign.
I am confident of your understanding and support. You and I are flawed people. What we need is not confrontation and condemnation by priggish prophets. Let us forgive each other, feel each other's pain, and sympathetically help each other deal with the many arbitrary and unwelcome providences that disturb our personal peace.
Good night. And God bless us, as we so richly deserve.
In one scene of the popular movie Robin Hood, The Prince of Thieves, Kevin Costner as Robin came to a young man taking aim at an archery target. Robin asked, "Can you shoot amid distractions?" Just before the boy released the string, Robin poked his ear with the feathers of an arrow. The boy's shot went high by several feet. After the laughter of those watching died down, Maid Marian, standing behind the boy, asked Robin, "Can you?" Robin Hood then raised his bow and took aim. His eyes focused on the bull's-eye. Just
as he released the arrow, Maid Marian leaned beside him and flirtatiously blew into his face. The arrow missed the target, glanced off the tree behind it, and scarcely missed a bystander. Distractions come in all types, and whether they are painful or pleasant, the result is the same: we miss God's mark. -- Penny F. Nichols; Van Nuys, California.
When two people have settled in their minds that "We are going to love each other"; and they take those vows before God and witnesses, then that puts an end to the practice of comparing. From that day on they are never again to compare. Each is to say, "The whole of my affection is given to my partner, and I will not allow myself to think romantically about another." (David Mains)
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I read the letter from "A Fool Somewhere in Canada," who had an affair with her clergyman. My wife also had an afair with OUR clergyman. At the same time, my best friend's wife was having an affair with THEIR clergyman. During a counseling session, my counselor revealed that HIS wife had left him for a minister. Apparently, it is not uncommon for men in helping professions to step in when a woman is at a low point in her life and take advantage of the situation. I have noticed that you frequently advise women to "talk to your clergyman." Perhaps you should reconsider such advice--ULTIMATE BETRAYAL IN KENTUCKY. DEAR KENTUCKY: Being a clergyman is not tantamount to sainthood. WHile undoubtedly, some clergymen DO stray, I am reasonably certain that the vast majority are straight arrows.
(Fredericksburg, VA, FREE LANCE-STAR, 1-5-95).
"Sex is like a great river that is rich and deep and good as long as it stays within its proper channel. The
moment a river overflows its banks, it becomes destructive, and the moment sex overflows its God-given banks, it too becomes destructive" (Richard Foster, Money, Sex & Power , p. 109).
Bruce Larson tells of going to Florida for a family reunion. As they were driving along the road, the saw a sign that said, "Naturists Convention." They thought it said, "Naturalists Convention," and thinking it might be interesting, drove in. They learned very quickly that "naturists" is another name for "nudists" as they drove into a nudist gathering. They spotted a group of nudists riding bicycles. One of the grandchildren was the first to say something and he cried out, "Look Mom and Dad! They don't have any safety helmets on!"
That's why God places limits on our sexuality. It's for our own good. Mike Cope tells of a rabbit
named "Hoppy" his family kept for a pet. Kept him in a rabbit cage in back yard. Hoppy wanted
out! Lunge against the wire mesh for all he was worth. But Hoppycouldn't see things Mike could
see--cats!--anyone of which would be happy to make Hoppy a mid-morning snack!
Bob Russell, in his book TAKE COMFORT, tells about a friend of his who saw a wrecked car being towed away. The front end was smashed in. On the back was a bumper sticker that read: "Don't Bother Me; I'm Having a Sexual Fantasy." We need to understand that when we get involved in a fantasy it invariably ends up in wrecked lives. (Cincinnati, OH: Standard Pub., 1991, p. 119).
The movie was first in the theaters, then on TV. It was about a middle-aged man who had a brief affair with a sensual woman. When he realized how foolish he was he tried to end it, but she wouldn't let him alone. Pursued him, blackmailed him, threatened him, even tried to murder his wife. Remember the name of the movie? "Fatal Attraction." (From Bob Russell, TAKE COMFORT, Cincinnati, OH: Standard Pub., 1991, p. 119).
The American writer Mark Twain had unconventional views on the afterlife. In an unfinished manuscript of his entitled “Letters from the Earth,” he wrote:
Humanity’s “heaven is a curious place. It has not a single feature in it that people value on earth. It consists wholly of diversions which on earth they care for not at all ... .Of the delights of this world, people care most for sex. They will go to any length for it. And what do you think they’ve done? They have left it out of their heaven! Prayer takes its place!”
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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #8262]
WHAT PASTORS ARE SAYING
We asked probing questions. You answered candidly.
by editor Kevin Miller
For more than 20 years, Leadership has unleashed its editors and research staff to interview and survey pastors. Being journalists, we've asked probing questions on topics such as sex, money, and power. You've answered -- candidly.
I pored through three thick notebooks bulging with two decades of reports and selected ten questions-and-answers I found intriguing.
1. How do you feel about ministry? Conventional wisdom bemoans crisis proportions of pastors discouraged and depressed, stressed and burned out. With due respect, our research consistently shows otherwise. For example, 91 percent of pastors say they feel "very positive" or "positive" about ministry. Nearly all feel satisfied (91 percent "very satisfied" or "satisfied"), and they want to stay in ministry (75 percent "definitely want to stay" and 21 percent "prefer to stay").
2. Since you've been in ministry, have you had sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse? Yes: 12 percent; no: 88 percent. This 12 percent, though nothing to cheer, is lower than the equivalent figure in the general population, 15-35 percent, according to Sex in America: A Definitive Study (Little Brown, 1994).
3. [Of those involved in inappropriate sexual activity:] Did the church find out? Yes: 4 percent; no: 96 percent. Hmmm.
4. Are sexual fantasies about someone other than your spouse harmful, harmless, or it depends? It was a statistical dead heat: Harmful (41 percent), Harmless (39 percent). My reading of the Bible and good psychology says pastors in this 39- percent group are kidding themselves.
5. How much money do you make? Although it's difficult to compare pastors' compensation with that of other workers, probably the fairest number to use is pastors' salary plus housing allowance. The 2000 medians for senior pastors ($46,256) and solo pastors ($33,312) straddle the median salary for U.S. households in 2000 ($41,349). Yet pastors earn much less than most other professionals with the same level of education.
6. Have you ever asked for a raise? Yes: 51 percent; no: 49 percent. We then asked those who requested one, "What happened when you asked for a raise?" Surprise! 50 percent got all of what they asked for, another 25 percent got some of what they asked for. Moral of the story: Ye have not because ye ask not.
7. During your ministry, have you ever been fired or forced to resign? Fired: 6 percent; forced out: 19 percent. (Since some had experienced both, the combined tally came to 22.8 percent; still nearly 1 in 4 pastors have been terminated.) We also asked "Who forced you out?" and found the biggest single culprit was "a small faction" of about 10 people. Pastoring is increasingly like coaching pro football: being under pressure is part of the territory.
8. [Of those forced out:] Was the church told why? 63 percent of the time, no. Is this healthy?
9. [Of those forced out:] To your knowledge, had the church forced out other ministers in its past? 62 percent of respondents said yes, meaning that roughly 15 percent of Protestant congregations are, in my friend Dave Goetz's term, "repeat-offender churches." Lesson: If you're candidating, ask probing questions about past departures -- and be sure to talk to the former pastor. If pastors were fired or forced out, be ready for the same.
10. If you had it to do over again, would you choose a career in ministry? An overwhelming 86 percent said yes. Pastors are in the business of changing people's lives forever. That's worth doing, and doing again.
--Kevin Miller is editor of Leadership Weekly, editor-at-large of Leadership Journal, and a featured speaker at the National Pastors Convention in February 2002 -- check out
http://www.NationalPastorsConvention.com for all the details and to request a free brochure. To reply, write Newsletter@LeadershipJournal.net.
Sex Related
A preacher took up sailing one day. After just two sailing lessons, he announced to his wife, 'I've decided on Sunday I'm going to preach a sermon based on my new hobby of sailing.'
She said, 'You're going to preach on sailing? How can you preach on sailing? You don't have any experience in sailing.'
The preacher thought about what the wife had said, and at the last minute he thought better of if, changed his mind and decided - instead - to preach on sex. He didn't bother to inform his wife of the change. That Sunday he preached on sex. But unfortunately his wife was sick that morning, didn't make it to worship, and didn't realized he had made the switch.
Monday the preacher's wife went shopping and ran into a lady church member in the grocery store. The lady commented on how much she appreciated the pastor's sermon yesterday. The preacher's wife replied, 'Well, I don't know we he ever tried to preach on that. He doesn't have any experience. In fact, he's only tried it twice. The first time he got seasick, and the second time he lost his hat.'
Unknown Author
Here's an English Literature quiz. And you might give it to a teenager you know.
Who wrote these lines? A man and a woman in "naked majesty" were "imparadised in one another's arms," lying "side by side" in the "rites mysterious of connubial love," about which "hypocrites austerely talk," as if such acts were somehow "impure." Having made love, the couple falls asleep "embracing" -- "and on their naked limbs the flowery roof showered roses."
Okay, who's the author? D.H. Lawrence? Henry Miller? Or how about a devout Christian, from 17th-century England?
The correct answer, of course, is the Christian: the Puritan John Milton. He was writing about Adam and Eve, in the classic, Paradise Lost. Your teenager probably wouldn't believe that answer, but then, most adults wouldn't believe it either. And therein lies a problem.
C.S. Lewis wrote that Satan would like us to either have an unhealthy obsession with him -- or ignore him altogether. Well, we can say the same thing about human sexuality. John Milton knew that sex was God's idea. God created sex, for a reason. Satan knows that too. But Satan wants human beings to miss the real purpose of sex. He wants us either to be obsessed with sex, or to pretend it doesn't exist. Either error serves his destructive ends well.
Now, if anyone wonders about sex all the time, it's teenagers. Confronted with their changing bodies, adolescents can veer destructively from one extreme to another, either obsessing about sex or trying desperately to pretend it doesn't exist. A new book, Sex and Character, by the insightful writers Maureen Duran and Deborah Cole, helps to stop the destructive swing of that pendulum. As Christians, Duran and Cole know, just as Milton did, that one of the most fundamental and powerful aspects of our being -- sexuality -- was designed for a purpose. Sex is good, because God made it.
But, as Christians involved in teaching about sexuality, Duran and Cole also know that human beings are fallen creatures. The gloriously pleasurable and renewing experience that our sexuality should have been has been corrupted by sin.
As the book's title, Sex and Character, indicates, Duran and Cole argue that the ability to govern one's sexual behavior in a fallen world begins with a strong moral character. How do kids resist sexual temptation? Not by pretending their desires don't exist, or that their sexuality is bad and something to be denigrated. Rather, teenagers need to learn that the moral traits they most value in others -- like compassion, respect, honesty, courage -- provide the basis, on a Biblical foundation, for a healthy view of sex.
"What God declares pure," wrote Milton nearly 400 years ago, is marriage, because marriage is God's design.
___________________
Copyright (c) 2000 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.
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Man, I almost forgot how much wood there is in a cord. I remembered real fast the last time we got a cord of wood delivered to our house ... and dumped in our driveway. I got to stack it all by myself! But as I did, I thought about all those great fires we would have in our living room fireplace all winter long, and of how much our sons Doug and Brad would enjoy those fires when they were home for Christmas. They have loved a roaring fire in our fireplace since they were little. And that's OK. But imagine if I had come home one day when they were in high school and I smelled smoke coming from Doug's room upstairs. I am alarmed. I call upstairs, "Doug, do you smell smoke?" "Yeah, Dad. I built a fire." "But, Doug, there's no fireplace in your room!" And he answers, "I know, but I just love fires." I am very alarmed. We have a big problem here. When you have a fire in the fireplace, it will make you warm. But when you have that same fire outside the fireplace ... well, you get burned.
Well, I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A WORD WITH YOU today about "Keeping Your Fire In The Fireplace."
Now, our word for today from the Word of God is about the fire of sexual desire and sexual passion and the fireplace the Inventor of sex made it for. Hebrews 13:4 - "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Now, the Inventor of sex says that sex is designed to be kept totally inside the fireplace of lifetime love ... the lifetime covenant of marriage.
In Proverbs 5:15 and following, God reinforces those boundaries with another analogy and a picture of what married love is supposed to be like. He says, "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets? ... Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth ... May her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."
Now someone might say, "That's in the Bible? Isn't that a little racy for God?" Absolutely not. He invented the male body. He invented the female body. He invented sexual intercourse. It is God's wonderful gift of a powerful love language between a husband and wife. And inside marriage, God says, "Go for it!" (or "goeth for it!") Let the fire burn hot inside the fireplace. But keep the fire there!
God isn't against sex. He's very for it. And He's for it being all He created it to be. He wants us to have sex and love at its best. And that's reserved for those who keep sex inside the fence of marriage.
It could be that you're playing right now too close to the gate of that fence ... either to have sex before you're married or to become sexually involved with someone other than the person you're married to. Maybe you're just playing with matches right now, but you are playing with passions that are more powerful than you can ultimately resist. You will get burned, and probably anyone near you will, too. Run from this temptation. Do not be in a place or a situation where you could go too far. Remember that the bill for sexual sin will be far greater and last far longer than any thrill it may give you.
And if you've already played with fire outside of the fireplace, don't wait another day to reach out for the forgiveness and restoring that only Jesus can give you. He died for the things you've done. Run to His cross, lay your sin there ... and walk away clean.
The fire of sex has awesome power to warm your life ... if you reserve it for the fireplace of married love. Take it outside the fireplace and you'll get burned. With God's power, keep your fire in the fireplace.
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More Americans are chosing cohabitation over marriage. Better than half of today's newlyweds live together before tying the knot, compared to 10 percent in 1965. "Living in sin," as it used to be called, was illegal in every state before 1970. Further research has found that while unmarried cohabitors have sex more often than married couples (once more per month), there's also more cheating by both partners, as well as more domestic violence and more cases of depression. Some sociologists doing this research are urging young adults to reject the argument that cohabitation is good preparation for marriage.
__________________________
Submitted by Jerry De Luca
Montreal, Canada
=======================================================================
"Study: Live-ins Likely To Break Up"
By Laura Meckler, c. The Associated Press. July 25, 2002.
WASHINGTON (July 25) - Dorian Solot isn't surprised by the rising number of couples living together before marriage. "They want to be absolutely sure this is the right person before they say, 'I do' for a lifetime," she said.
But a report released Wednesday suggests they may be hurting, not helping, their marriage prospects: These marriages are significantly more likely to end in divorce.
That is partly because people who choose to live together tend to be younger, less religious or have other qualities that put them at risk for divorce, said Catherine Cohan, assistant professor of human development and family studies at Penn State University. But that may not fully explain it, she said.
"Many people enter a cohabiting relationship where the deal is, 'If this doesn't work out we can split up and it's no big loss because we don't have a legal commitment,"' she said. "The commitment is tenuous, and that tenuous commitment might carry over into marriage."
It is one of several findings from a comprehensive report on cohabitation, marriage and divorce, described as the detailed look at cohabitation, marriage and divorce ever produced.
The report, based on a survey of nearly 11,000 women, found that by age 30, three in four women have been married and half have lived with a partner outside marriage.
It identified numerous risk factors for divorce: People who are young, with low incomes, no religious affiliation and less education. Also, children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce themselves.
Overall, 43 percent of marriages break up within 15 years, according to data from the National Survey of Family Growth.
Black women are least likely to marry and most likely to divorce, with more than half splitting within 15 years. Asian marriages are the most stable, with whites and Hispanics in between.
Women are waiting longer to get married than they used to, and after a divorce, they are less likely to remarry than women once were.
The survey, released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found that 70 percent of those who lived together for at least five years did eventually walk down the aisle.
But these marriages are also more likely to break up. After 10 years, 40 percent of couples that had lived together before marriage had broken up. That compares with 31 percent of those who did not live together first.
Part of the problem may be attitudes toward cohabitation are different than attitudes about marriage, said Wade Horn, a marriage expert who directs children and family programs at the Department of Health and Human Services.
When living together, he said, the attitude is "I vow to stay together with you as long as you make me happy." In a marriage, people focus on making their partners happy.
"If you're used to viewing being together as a test of the other person's ability to take care of your needs, once you get married it's hard to just switch that," Horn said.
Solot, executive director of the Boston-based Alternatives to Marriage Project, is more optimistic - as long as couples begin living together with similar expectations.
"If one of you thinks you're headed for the altar and the other thinks you're just splitting the cost of rent, you're both in for a surprise," she said.
The report, based on 1995 data, found other groups facing a high risk of divorce, including:
-Young people. Nearly half of those who marry under age 18 and 40 percent under age 20 get divorced. Over age 25, it's just 24 percent. The difference is maturity, says Chicago psychologist Kate Wachs. "A lot of young people focus on right now, and if I'm not happy right now, I should get divorced," said Wachs, author of "Relationships for Dummies." Older people have more life experience and realize "if I hang in there, it will probably get better."
-Nonreligious people. Affiliating with religion - any religion - helps. Of those who don't consider themselves part of any religious group, 46 percent were divorced within 10 years.
-Children of divorce. Women whose parents were divorced are significantly more likely to divorce themselves, with 43 percent splitting after 10 years. Among those whose parents stayed together, the divorce rate was just 29 percent.
The report also found:
-Broken marriages do not always lead to divorce, with many separated couples still legally married. This was particularly true for black women: Just 67 percent of women who were separated from their husbands were divorced three years after the separation.
-Just over half of divorced women - 54 percent - get married again within five years. These rates have been falling since the 1950s, when 65 percent of divorced women remarried.
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Teenage girls who have close relationships with their mothers wait longer to have sex for the first time, researchers reported Wednesday.
Their findings also indicate girls are less likely to have sex when their moms strongly disapprove, suggesting that mothers matter more than they might sometimes believe.
"We need to be more tuned in to what's happening in our children's lives," said the study's author, Dr. Robert Blum, director of the University of Minnesota's Center for Adolescent Health and Development. "Otherwise, how can we give them clear, effective messages about how to deal with the choices they will inevitably face?"
The same impact was not found for mothers and sons, and researchers concluded that other influences, such as friends, simply may be stronger for boys.
Talking about birth control did not appear to have any effect on teens' sexual behavior.
The study is based on the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, a massive federal investigation of teen behavior. This research examined interviews with 2,006 teens ages 14-15 who said they were virgins. The same teens were interviewed a year later, and 10.8 percent of the boys and 15.8 percent of the girls had had sex by the second interview.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota examined extensive interviews with their mothers (fathers were not interviewed) to try to determine what made the difference between those who became sexually active and those who stayed virgins.
They found little to explain why some boys began having sex and others didn't. But they said several factors made a difference for girls.
Specifically, the study released Wednesday found that mothers whose daughters were still virgins shared several qualities:
They strongly disapproved of their daughters having sex.
They were satisfied with their relationship with their daughters.
They frequently talked with the parents of their daughters' friends.
These mothers also more likely to have a college degree.
"Parents say they talk until they're blue in the face and their kids still don't listen," Blum said. "Kids will pay attention to their parents' values on sex. But talk alone does not get the message through."
Other factors made no difference in teen sex, including how religious the mothers were, how often they talked about sex, how uncomfortable they were talking about sex and whether they recommended that their daughters use a specific kind of birth control.
The study was published Wednesday in the Journal of Adolescent Health. A second study published in 2000, which also used data from the adolescent survey, found similar results.
The 2000 study, which examined eighth- to 11th-graders, suggested that teens don't always know that their mothers disapprove of sex. Among mothers who strongly disapprove, 30 percent of their teen daughters and 45 percent of their teen sons guessed otherwise. "While most mothers disapprove of their sons or daughters being sexually active, their kids don't always get the message," researchers wrote in their summary.
When teens do realize that their mothers disapprove of sex, they are less likely to have it. In addition, younger teens are more likely to realize that their mothers' disapprove when they feel close to their moms.
The knowledge gap goes both ways. Many mothers don't realize their kids are already having sex. Half of the parents of sexually active teens said their child was not having sex.
"Parents and especially mothers should be aware of the role they play in influencing their adolescent daughter's sexual behaviors," researchers concluded. "Parents need to be clear about their values and then clearly articulate them to their children and adolescents."
09/04/02 09:40 EDT
Copyright 2002 The Associated Press.
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It's amazing how creative parents can become when it's time to explain the facts of life to a child, especially in the vocabulary they choose. A parent says to their child, "This is your chin. This is your neck. That's your stomach. That's your ... oogieboogiewagaboogie!" I've really heard some pretty funny names for human anatomy - words invented by red-faced parents, but not recognized by any doctor on earth. Of course, they're better than a lot of the words our children come home from school asking about. But when it comes to sex, it's important to use the right words - especially one.
I'm Ron Hutchcraft, and I want to have A Word With You today about "The Right Word For Sex."
Our word for today from the Word of God comes from the Inventor of sex, who is, of course, God Himself. Our world seems to have forgotten who invented sex - and that the Inventor knows best. In the first experience of sexual love in human history, Genesis 4:1 (our word for today from the Word of God) says, "And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived." Now this is sex as it was meant to be, still unspoiled, still the best. And the word God uses to describe it is "know."
When two people come together physically, it's designed to be the ultimate knowing. When two people have sex that isn't an expression of a deep, intimate friendship and commitment, they aren't going all the way - they're only going a small part of the way. That's not ultimate knowing!
The Hebrew word for "know" here is "yadah." It conveys the intimacy of two people who know each other as they really are - a deep, personal, intimate, experiential knowledge of another person. That's why God designed this kind of bonding to be for a lifetime commitment, confined within the protective fence He calls marriage.
Ironically, when you take sex out of marriage, it actually slows down the knowing process. The physical tends to take over the relationship. The relationship becomes more self-centered. A couple stops talking and focuses on the physical. And, as a result, too many people end up married to a stranger - someone whose body they know, but not their heart. Because so many relationships between men and women have been so physical, a lot of those relationships are strangely lonely. With sex dominating so many relationships, a lot of men and women have never developed a friendship - and maybe never will.
When the physical starts to take over, it often masks serious weaknesses and dangers in the relationship - hormones make you blind. Consequently, many people have married the wrong person because their passion blinded them. It actually kept them from really knowing their partner. And they made a lifelong mistake.
Remember how the Inventor designed sex: two people bonded in a lifetime knowing experience, expressing it through the unparalleled intimacy of sex. Anything less is a cheap, twisted, ultimately disillusioning counterfeit. If you've made that mistake, there's a Savior who died for every sin, including our sexual sin, who will forgive it if you'll repent of it - and He'll begin to restore your emotional and spiritual virginity. Don't settle for anything less than Designer love where the right word for sex is K-N-O-W. Know - as in knowing your best friend forever.
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Copyright © Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, Inc., PO Box 400, Harrison, AR 72602. Used by permission. Written by Ron Hutchcraft. "Practical Answers to Real Life Issues"
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Dillow recounted six reasons why God gave the gift of sex to married couples:
1. to create life (Genesis 2:24);
2. for intimate oneness (Ephesians 5:31-32);
3. for a unique knowledge (Genesis 4:1);
4. for pleasure (Proverbs 5:15, 18-19);
5. as a defense against temptation (Proverbs 5:15, 1 Corinthians 7:2,5);
6. and for comfort (2 Samuel 12:24).
Dillow and Lorraine Pintus authored a 1999 book, "Intimate Issues."
To prepare for writing the book, Dillow and Pintus asked 1,000 women what two questions they would like to have answered about the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. The most frequently asked "simmering" questions inspired chapter titles such as:
-- What does God think about sex?
-- How can I be godly and sensuous?
-- How can I relate when he's a microwave and I'm a crockpot?
-- Where can I go to buy a new body?
-- What's Not OKAY in bed?
Encouraging wives to become sensuous, Dillow counseled the women to avoid confusing sensuality with sensuous. "The world has stolen the word sensuous," she said, defining it as "alive to the pleasure to be received through the senses."
For many Christian women, the greatest roadblock to a fulfilling sexual relationship is guilt over past sexual sin.
Teen drinkers more likely to have sex - U.S. study
GAINESVILLE, Fla. (Reuter) - Teen-agers who drink heavily are more likely to have sex than teens who do not drink, whatever their gender or ethnic group, a study released Friday said.
Researchers from the University of Florida, Michigan State University and the University of Wisconsin surveyed more than 15,000 students between the ages of 12 and 17 in Michigan public schools in spring and fall 1994.
They found that heavy alcohol use tripled the likelihood of teen-age sexual activity for white males, doubled it for Hispanic males and increased it by 18 percent for black males.
For all females, regardless of ethnicity, alcohol use was the only risk factor that increased the probability of sexual activity by 10 percent or more.
Research shows alcohol lowers inhibitions and interferes with people's ability to make sound decisions based on logic and thought, Daniel Perkins, a University of Florida professor who was one of the researchers, said in a statement.
"If you're both drinking alcohol and a little out of it, (sex) might seem like the right thing to do," he said.
The study also found a significantly higher proportion of black teen-age males were sexually active (79 percent) than Hispanic males (54 percent) and white males (37 percent).
Similarly, black teen-age females were more likely to be sexually active (57 percent) than their Hispanic (38 percent) and white (33 percent) counterparts.
Perkins said sexual activity might involve less of a social stigma for African Americans than for adolescents in other cultures.
The researchers said alcohol was a more important factor for all groups of teen-agers than variables such as church attendance or viewing God as unimportant in one's life.
^REUTER@
Teaching students to save sex for marriage should be outlawed in public schools because it violates the constitutionally required separation of church and state, say two legal scholars. Gary Simson and Erika Sussman from Cornell University argue in an article in “The Southern California Review of Law and Women’s Studies” that abstinence-based lessons should be scrapped, reported FOX News.
The writers contend that “even if the court finds that [religion] is not the only purpose, that adopting a program of this sort has the effect of communicating government support of religion,” Simson told the network. Abstinence programs were “bankrupt” because they did not help students who were sexually active, he said. Lessons should also cover birth control and other sexuality issues.
John Giles, president of the Christian Coalition in Alabama, said that the pair’s argument had far-reaching implications. “You can probably dissect every good trait taught by a schoolteacher and say they’ve stepped over a line and used public funds to do it.” He added: “Where do you draw the line on teaching positive attributes? Kids are going to be exposed to the world of sex on every front. What we need to be in the business of is teaching standards.”
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