Small Group Letter: Enhancing Small Group Life and Ministry Interview with Dr. Kenneth C. Haugk, executive director of Stephen Ministries
Q: WHAT CAUSES DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT IN A SMALL GROUP?
A: Destructive conflict usually will not occur without an antagonist. I
define an antagonist as an individual who goes out of the way to make
unreasonable demands, usually attacking the person or performance of
others. These attacks are selfish in nature, tearing down rather than
building up, and are frequently directed against those in leadership.
Please note the difference between healthy conflict and destructive conflict.
It is healthy conflict to honestly - even heatedly - disagree with
something that is being discussed in the group. But the goal here is to
be heard, to express a viewpoint, and not to tear down. However, the
goal of the antagonist is to usurp power or to criticize and tear down
someone (especially the leader), often behind the person's back. That is
destructive. The antagonist's critical nature and behavior - left
unchecked - will destroy a group. (above used 3/15/98)
Q: ARE ANTAGONISTS A FAIRLY COMMON PROBLEM IN SMALL GROUPS?
A: More so than we would like. Not every small group has one, obviously, but
I would imagine that in every fairly large congregation's small group
ministry, a few of the small groups will have an antagonist or two.
Unfortunately, the church is not immune from antagonists.
Q: WHAT CAUSES PEOPLE TO BE ANTAGONISTS?
A: It is generally a result of unresolved, deep-seated problems: low self-
concept; a high need for attention; a history of not being affirmed; a
history of being pushed down, which causes them to rise up and challenge
or attack. They are individuals who basically do not feel very good
about themselves. Hitler was an extreme antagonist. He felt inferior to
others. (He was short and was rejected from the Vienna Art School.) He
felt inadequate and was determined to compensate by becoming a big shot,
by having power. Many antagonists may even be quite popular and
effective, as was Hitler for awhile. He helped revive the German economy
and helped provide a car, the Volkswagon, for every family. In the
extreme, antagonists are sociopathic.
Q: HOW CAN A SMALL GROUP LEADER DETECT AN ANTAGONIST?
A: Some early warning signs that antagonists send out include:
CRITICISM OF PAST LEADERS: As early as the first group session, the
person may criticize the leader of another group in which he was
involved. The criticism will be unsolicited.
"BUDDY-BUDDY': The person may show a strong, overly aggressive desire to
get close to the leader very early. He may want to take the leader
out for coffee or call him at home often. He may be very helpful and
effusive with praise. Initially he may be the leader's best
supporter. Then something will happen - the leader may not even know
what - and the antagonist will suddenly turn against the leader.
THE 'OTHER-PEOPLE-SAY' SYNDROME: The person may come to the leader and
say, "There are a number of people in our group who have come to me,
and they're a little concerned about this. I just wanted to pass it
on to you, to help you.' But when questioned further, the "others"
will be nameless or the person will say that he can't tell who they
are because of "confidentiality."
PREVIOUS TRACK RECORD FLAG. Another sign to watch for is a history of
being disruptive in other groups or situations or a tendency to jump
from one group to another.
Q: WHAT SHOULD A GROUP LEADER DO ABOUT AN ANTAGONIST?
A: If you recognize an antagonist ahead of time, try not to let him become
involved in your group. That's the first and best thing. Once he gets
in, chances are you're going to have a tussle, no matter what you do.
Once the antagonist becomes part of the group, do not placate him. Speak
directly to him at the time of disruption or criticism and say, "That is
not appropriate. What you are saying is destructive to this group, and I
will not allow that to happen." Be strong. Never allow an antagonist to
gain the upper hand or the ability to intimidate. Exercise the authority
you have as the group leader. Also, don't call him at home and plead
with him to be nicer in the group. That will only give him a position of
authority and power - which is what he wants. If necessary, simply ask
him not to return to the group. He needs counseling and spiritual help,
not your small group.
I need a small group for several reasons. First, I need to hear what others are learning because I learn from other people. We sometimes get the idea that God only speaks to us through the Bible and our own private devotions. But I believe that God gave us each other so that He might communicate through us to one another. A second reason is that I need to see God at work in other people. Without this, my Christianity can easily become very intellectualized, more head-oriented than heart-oriented. I need to be reminded of the changes and beauty God is bringing about in the lives of individuals. One of the best ways for this to happen is to be regularly involved in the lives of others within the context of a small group. Watching God at work in these "up-close" relationships helps me keep the sense of excitement and reality in my Christianity. Finally, my small group is a tremendous source of support. I need to be praying for others and having others pray for me. Small groups help keep me from becoming an island.
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