The quality of our words matches the condition of our hearts: how words are used in Eph 4:1-32
“Can’t you do anything right?”
“He’s such a jerk!”
“The people there are all hypocrites.”
“Did you see the way she was flirting?”
“You idiot!”
Angry words. Ugly words. Words meant to wound. We’re all guilty of them. We’ve all felt that stab of regret as such words left our lips and wished desperately that we could take them back.
The Epistle to the Ephesians has very practical things to say about talk, about how to make words heal rather than hurt. Beginning in Ephesians 4, Paul describes the heavenly calling issued to Christians: It is a call to walk worthily (Ephesians 4:1–16), to walk differently than nonChristians (Ephesians 4:17–24), and to walk lovingly (Ephesians 4:25–5:2). In the apostle’s view, the Christian’s love changes the Christian’s language:
Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is
good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace
to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in
whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all
bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away
from you, with all malice, and be kind to one another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave
you.
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in
love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant
offering and sacrifice to God. — Ephesians 4:29–5:2, RSV
This passage begins by defining Christian words as those that are (1) good, (2) constructive, (3) appropriate, and (4) gracious (Ephesians 4:26). Most of us would praise the uncommon “sense” of these verbal baselines, yet they are anything but easy to practice. Why? Because our words spring from our feelings: We can’t escape the fink between the habits of our hearts and the words on our lips. As Jesus put it, it’s bad hearts that account for bad speech.
Paul profiles in Ephesians 4:31 the pathological feelings that give rise to “evil talk”: bitterness, wrath and anger, and malice. Our crisis is not a crisis of words; we need far more than doctored word-lists. We need new spirits.
Where do we start? And harder still, where do we draw the strength and motivation to keep on trying? Thankfully, Paul has provided answers to these questions in the same passage from Ephesians.
Paul identifies three cardinal feelings, or attitudes, that we must cultivate in order for love to change our language. In Ephesians 4:32 he says, “and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Here, then, in the attitudes of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness we find the biblical wellspring for words that heal rather than hurt. Here is where good words come from.
KINDNESS
Paul’s word for KINDNESS is one of my favorites in the Greek New Testament. The term is CHRESTOS, and it is difficult to translate into any single English word. It can mean kindness, gentleness, or even friendliness. Peter tells us it is the Lord’s CHRESTOS that we have tasted as “newborn babies” (1 Peter 2:3).
I’ve always loved that thought: that when we come to Him, we find not a stern face full of cold justice, but CHRESTOS, goodness-with-a-smile. We find, in fact, the warmth of a Father’s embrace (Luke 15:20). This association of the Lord with kindness echoes Jesus’ invitation for all who are heavy laden to come to Him and to take up His yoke, which He described as “easy” (CHRESTOS) and “light” (Matthew 11:30).
By contrast, we’ve all seen the type of goodness that is cold, aloof, and repellant. The Scots use the word DOUR to describe that kind of pinched propriety. A dour spirit is goodness-gone-sour, the opposite of the spirit of CHRESTOS. CHRESTOS is warm and attractive; it’s goodness wearing a smile; it’s goodness that draws you by its warmth.
Years ago I encountered such kindness in a home where I was a guest. The experience is still vivid in my memory because of an unusual contrast. I was preaching week-long evangelistic services in small towns in Missouri and happened to stay in two homes that were as different as night and day.
The first home was perfect: spotless and finely furnished, everything in its place, like something straight out of the unlived-in pages of BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS! The hosts were perfect, too, polite and dignified, always monitoring my needs. Yet at the end of the week I was as much a stranger as when I arrived.
At the next town, I stayed in a not-so-perfect place: a home inhabited by Siamese cats and giggly kids. When I arrived, my hosts hugged me as if I were a lost relative, told me I was “family,” and proceeded to make good on that description by having me help bathe the cats! I’ve never forgotten that home. There was love there, and warmth that reached out to an insecure young preacher and drew him in. I felt from the first that I belonged. I’ve stayed in more luxurious homes, but I’ve never stayed anywhere where the kindness was more warm, easy, and appealing. That home and those hearts were full of CHRESTOS, and it left its mark on me.
That’s what our hearts and vocabularies need today in double measure: plain old kindness that’s gentle, warm, and cheerful. In nature warmth softens things, and warm kindness softens hearts and voices, too. According to Ephesians, to fill our hearts with CHRESTOS is to fill our mouths with treasure.
COMPASSION
Paul adds to kindness the important attitude of compassion (Matthew 11:32). The word is translated in the RSV as “tenderhearted,” literally “good-boweled,” and pictures a sensitive person whose feelings can be touched by the needs and problems of others. Unlike the calloused, uncaring person described earlier in the chapter (Matthew 11:17–22), the compassionate person is emotionally vulnerable. He is like the Good Samaritan, who, when he saw the wounded traveler on the Jericho Road, “had compassion, and went to him” (Luke 10:33).
We need that kind of compassion so urgently today because terrorism — communicational terrorism — has become a part of our daily lives. Communicational terrorists aren’t hard to spot; we are the verbal bullies who are always right, always in a power play to dominate others, quick to tear others down in order to build ourselves up. Like political terrorists, we’re ready to commit relational suicide rather than admit we’re wrong. We hold loved ones hostage through our moodiness, guilt-trips, and other psychological sabotage.
What is missing from our hearts when we assume “tough guy” roles is compassion. I won’t feel inclined to hurt you when your pain is mine, when your grief touches me. I can’t “take you” in the modern sense when your loss is my loss. When I care about you, I can’t be “tough” and indifferent about your pain. I can’t speak words to wound, because being tenderhearted means that your predicament gets to me and moves me to help, not to hurt.
Only tender hearts produce words that heal rather than hurt. We need the kind of heart King David described in Psalm 51:17 (TLB): “It is a broken spirit you want — remorse and penitence. A broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not ignore.” Jesus congratulated this kind of heart when He promised, “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). They mourn for their own sins and for the sins of the world, and out of that shared brokenness comes dialogue that heals.
Compassion is not a weakness; it’s a gift of love. Tenderness will change your tone and fill your language with what William Barclay used to call “grace notes.” Toughness may be the spirit of our age, but the Man from Galilee has called us to model a different spirit entirely (Ephesians 4:24).
FORGIVENESS
The third attitude that Paul says generates Christian words is forgiveness. He tells us to practice “forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). The original word here is a form of CHARIS, “grace,” and reminds us by its form that grace-bought men and women must be gracious. It’s the forgiven who know the meaning of forgiving.
I suspect it’s because we do not think often enough about our own unearned forgiveness that we fail to forgive others. I find that my relationships are in most peril when I demand my way, my share, my rights. At that point I am least like the model of how God has dealt with me in Christ. He doesn’t give me the “death wages” I’ve earned (Romans 6:23) or the rejection I have coming. Instead, He gives me what I have no right to expect: He embraces me as a beloved child (Ephesians 5:1). That’s what grace is: undeserved generosity. It’s a hug when I deserve a slap. And that spirit of forgiving is the soil from which grow words that “impart grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
Whenever I think of this kind of generosity, I think of a beautiful young girl whose face had been disfigured in a tragic fire. She was bright and witty, an excellent student, popular at school and she had an incredible zest for life. But she didn’t have boyfriends. Her sister did; her friends did, too. In spite of everything, she maintained a beautiful spirit of patience, saying, “Someday the right person will come along!” Then one day she raced toward me, her face beaming. “It’s happened! I’ve finally met someone who sees beneath my scars!”
Every relationship needs this gift: the gift of seeing past the scars. We need selective “blindness” by which we focus on the good instead of the bad in each other. The bad, the ugly aren’t difficult to find.
But getting beyond the scars is a challenge. Forgiving someone who has hurt you, someone who has lied to you, or who has been unfaithful is anything but easy or magical. Indeed, saying the words “I forgive you” is the easy part; meaning the words is the hard part. That’s why it is so important to remind ourselves that Paul’s teaching concerning forgiveness involves much more than talk-encompassed are the attitudes and feelings and experiences, rooted in our life in Christ, that are the driving forces of our lives. Forgiving goes deeper than saying words. Behind our words is our life in the Word.
But a significant question still remains: What can motivate us to develop the qualities of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness? Where can we find the power to change our hearts?
POWER TO CHANGE
In this same passage in Ephesians, Paul alludes to two fundamental realities in the Christian’s experience that can transform our hearts and lives. The believer’s experience of divine grace and the dread of causing divine grief combine to provide powerful incentive to let love change our language.
DIVINE GRACE. At the end of Ephesians 4, Paul reminds the Ephesians of the model for their behavior: the divine grace of God. God the Father adopted us, not because we are lovely, but because He is. Jesus Christ sacrificed Himself for us, not because we were worthy, but to demonstrate God’s grace. Every believer is the recipient of unearned generosity.
God’s gift of grace is such that no one who truly knows life without it could ever take it for granted. To be without God’s grace is to be without a future, without roots, without promise, without hope. It is to experience what C.S. Lewis used to call “the bad news” that is the indispensable prerequisite to the Good News. When you’ve known life in terms of death (Ephesians 2:1), darkness (Ephesians 4:18), and dirt (Ephesians 4:19), then new life experienced as light and love brings spontaneous joy and generosity.
When I’m aware of being loved, I’m loving. When I experience forgiveness, I’m forgiving. When the Word of Life dwells in me, I speak life-giving words.
The key to practicing my calling, therefore, lies in my focusing on who I am in Christ. I have received a call from heaven, to heaven (Ephesians 4:1–3); a call to become what I am — a beloved child of God (Ephesians 5:1). My speech, therefore, is simply words that echo His Word. The power to change my heart and my language comes from nurturing awareness of God’s grace in my life.
DIVINE GRIEF. The second great motivator that Paul alludes to in this text is the Christian’s dread of divine grief. For a long time I passed right over this important truth, puzzled by what appeared to be an extraneous and cryptic reference to “grieving the Holy Spirit of God” (Ephesians 4:30) in a context of words about words (Ephesians 4:29) and feelings (Ephesians 4:31).
Then it struck me. In Ephesians 2, the apostle explains how the Gentiles are part of the “holy temple in the Lord” which is “a dwelling place in which God lives by his Spirit” (Ephesians 2:19–22). The Holy Spirit is the architect of God’s spiritual house (Ephesians 2:22).
Suddenly, Paul’s warning against grieving the Holy Spirit, in a context dealing with words that hurt rather than heal, made sense. When my attitudes are cruel and hostile and my words tear down my brother and sister, I am tearing down the “house” that the Spirit is trying to build. I am grieving the Holy Spirit!
Now, this is startling, especially since the term used here for GRIEF is a very strong word. It can cover the spectrum of hurt from being offended (cf. 2 Cor. 2:1) to the pain of childbirth (cf. John 16:21). But this term has a very special history for the believer because it is the word that the gospels use to describe the anguish and pain of Jesus in Gethsemane (Matthew 26:38; Mark 14:34; Luke 22:45). His deep grief surrounding the crucifixion was such that His perspiration was like drops of blood (Luke 22:44).
That’s why I’ve come to hear Paul’s language in Ephesians 4:30 with new power. His warning against grieving the Holy Spirit is the strongest kind of motivation, because I hear it as an appeal not to put God through Gethsemane all over again. That’s what destructive words and attitudes do to the heart of God. Sin doesn’t just break God’s law, it breaks God’s heart. And when you love someone, I mean really love them, you can’t willingly put them through that.
Here is a power for cleaning up our communication that is stronger than fear, stronger than threat or guilt. Here is an appeal to bonds of love, bonds that inspire us to loyalty and sacrifice. The dread of God’s grief prompts the Christian to let love change language.
WHERE WORDS COME FROM
The Quakers have a saying that we must do more than listen to words; we must listen to where words come from. They are profoundly correct. Words are rooted in feelings, and if the roots are bad, then the words will be bad too. Calloused hearts don’t produce compassionate lips; aggression is incompatible with graciousness. Therefore, if we would stop saying words that wound, we must go beyond words to the attitudes behind them.
We need all need new spirits, “created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:24). Hearts full of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness generate words that are good, constructive, appropriate, and gracious. And those words of healing will only spring from the transforming experiences of divine grace and the dread of divine grief.
It makes all the difference in the world where words come from. And that difference is the difference between which world we set our hearts on.
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CHANGE OF HEART
1. Who, ultimately, transforms our hearts? (Ezekiel 11:19)
2. What must be our first step toward a renewed heart? (Psalm 51:1–12; Psalm 51:17)
3. In Romans 12:2, Paul exhorts, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” How can a Christian renew his mind?
4. Study Col. 3. What is the Christian’s responsibility in the process of renewal?
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Jerry Harvill teaches speech communication at the UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY in Lexington, Kentucky.
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