102 Sermon Illustrations on Grief

GRIEF, Effect of Guarino Veronese, ancestor of the author of the "Pastor Fido," having studied Greek at Constantinople, brought from thence, on his return, two cases of Greek manuscripts, the fruit of his indefatigable researches. One of these being lost at sea on the shipwreck of the vessel, his chagrin at losing such a literary treasure had the effect of turning the hair of Guarino gray in one night. Sismondi.

Ebenezer Adams, an eminent member of the Society of Friends, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found, six months after the death of her husband, on a sofa covered with black cloth, and

# BII

# 53. Historical Facts.

A lady who had lost a beloved child, was so oppressed with grief, that she even secluded herself from the society of her own family, and kept herself locked in her chamber, but was at length prevailed on by her husband to come down stairs, and take a walk in the garden. While there, she stooped to pluck a flower; but her husband appeared as though he would hinder her. She plaintively said, "What! deny a flower!" He replied, "You have denied God your flower, and surely you ought not to think it hard in me to deny you mine." The lady suitably felt the gentle reproof, and had reason to say, "A word spoken in season, how good is it!"

Clinton Dangerfield discounts in this poem the stoicism of the age that refuses to reveal its griefs and evils:

Sad hearts are out of date. We laugh and jest, When we take wounds as well as when we strike. One can not tell the conquerors on Love’s field-- Victors and vanquished look so much alike!

But sometimes when the mask unguarded falls One sees the actor’s self behind the part, And half holds those the wiser who, of old, Washed, unashamed, with tears a broken heart. (Text.)

--_The Delineator._

Tom Long concluded his article on “Preaching About Suffering” with these words:

The Christian “answer” to the problem of suffering and evil, then, is not a philosophical claim that allows one to say, “Now this explains it, this solves the problem,” but rather a retelling of the Christian story in such a way that people are enabled to live one more day, one more hour with the anguish.

________

Contributed by Grant R. MacDonald, Senior Minister, St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church; Kitchener, Ontario

Three boys in one family drown in farm pond. How community gathered around the Gragg family to comfort them. The school was especially important. The pond was not deep enough or cold enough for them to survive. Grief counselor Kathryn Howard said, "In our age, children aren't eligible to die because our expectations have been set up that children can survive anything. ...But because of modern medical miracles, we are conditioned to believe it is outrageous that they died."

Sermon on the stages of grief.

Psalm 31:5-16

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STAGES OF GRIEF

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I. Grief has an impact on every person.

A. Funeral for unnamed baby found in Ledgewood.

B. Often grief is more public.

C. Grief is a serious matter.

D. We must prepare ourselves to be realistic about grief.

II. Blessed are those who mourn. Matt 5:4

A. Our culture doesn't value mourning.

B. Jesus mourned.

C. Christians mourn.

D. We don't always mourn the right way.

III. Recognizing sorrow.

A. Sorrow is the sadness due to a loss.

B. Despair is the loss of all confidence or hope.

C. Self-pity is the self-indulgent lingering on sorrow.

IV. Drinking the cup of sorrow.

A. Grief comes in different quantities, but is always limited.

B. We cannot feel God's comfort until we have felt our sorrow.

V. Psychologists divide the grieving process into four stages.

A. Numbness.

B. Searching and yearning.

C. Disorientation.

D. Reorganization.

VI. Allow others to grieve.

A. We cannot judge when another person has cried enough or

B. There is a place for grief in God's presence.

VII. The Church must minister to those who grieve.

A. Three out of every four women will be a widow.

B. Those who have grieved can give comfort to others. 2 Cor 1:4

C. Grieving people are open to the promises of God.

#2493

*

A thankful heart comes easy for many Americans. Even those whose circumstances provide reasons for sorrow and hurt can find something for which to express gratitude.

In her book, “A Thankful Heart,” Carole Lewis offers her testimony of how God can cultivate thanksgiving every day of the year, bringing hope and healing that lasts into eternity.

“Often, the holidays are very depressing times for families as we’re tempted to key in on their dysfunction, critical spirits and anger problems. Every family’s got them,” said Lewis, national director of First Place, a Christian weight-loss program that grew out of First Baptist Church in Houston.

“Sometimes it seems like there are more bad moments than good in life,” she writes in her book. “The problem is that if we don’t stop and take a clear look at our perceptions of these situations, pretty soon we find that we have bitter, negative experiences all day long. Soon enough, having negative experiences all day long turns into having negative experiences every day, every year, every decade.”

From dealing with traffic to feeling overwhelmed with work to suffering from illness and disease, Lewis writes, “It is easy for even the ordinary irritations of life to build into occasions for continual grumbling and dissatisfaction.” Over time, “We wake up and discover that these experiences have transformed us. It isn’t the situations that are negative now -- it’s us. We’ve become bitter, negative people,” she observes, adding, “And we hate who we’ve become.”

Negative attitudes eventually spill over to one’s health and well-being as the mind and body communicate with each other, she writes. “I’ve found it to be a simple truth -- when I do not practice developing a thankful heart, the person this hurts the most is me.

“Gripe about your job for a week and see how long you stay employed. Or snap at your husband every night when he comes home and see what sort of marriage it produces. It’s in our best interest to not fall into the trap of focusing on what’s wrong with life. Becoming a thankful person is a benefit to our lives that we absolutely cannot overlook.”

If anyone could give a reason not to be thankful, it’s Carole Lewis. She experienced financial devastation that led to bankruptcy, felt derailed in her own weight struggle due to health problems and continues to walk alongside her husband in his battle with stage four prostate cancer. But it was on Thanksgiving Day four years ago that Lewis faced the greatest challenge to a thankful heart.

Her daughter, Shari, son-in-law Jeff and their three daughters had celebrated the holiday with the Lewis family before traveling to dinner with Jeff’s family. As Shari stood behind their SUV, a drunk driver swerved from behind, ricocheted off a light pole and sent Lewis’ 39-year-old daughter into a field. A few hours later she died in a Houston hospital.

Several years later Lewis was asked by her publisher to write a book on grief. “I didn’t have that in me. Undeniably, Shari’s death has been the hardest thing our family has ever gone through,” she said in an interview. “Though the days following her death were full of pain for all of us, I can also say with thankfulness that they are not a blur.” Lewis’ own prayer journal relates 22 things for which she gave thanks in those days after the tragedy. Some are to be expected -- the Christian friends who gathered at the hospital. Others are surprising -- a granddaughter witnessing about Jesus to the young drunk driver. And some are amazing -- Jeff’s mom and brother accepting Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord one hour after Shari’s death.

“I never dreamed that thankfulness might be one of the things God would use to heal the huge void left in my heart,” Lewis wrote after pondering why she never experienced some of the stages of grief that are presumed to be a healthy response to such difficult times. Though she was shocked by her daughter’s death and ultimately learned to accept it, Lewis said she anticipated the stages of denial, anger and bargaining, but never experienced them.

“Could thankfulness in the midst of a circumstance as shattering as the death of my child propel me from shock to acceptance without my having to experience the other three stages?” she asked in the book. “I know that people grieve in different ways and that everyone is different, but I have come to believe that being thankful in the midst of a tragic circumstance is the key to moving toward healing.”

Through her own journals, Lewis has been able to see how God answered prayer during the death of a sister and sister-in-law, her own surgeries and her husband’s cancer, calling these her spiritual markers. “I used to wonder how you could ever know the Lord’s will,” she reflected, “but I cannot get out of His will if I’m walking with Him every day.”

Saved at the age of 12, Lewis admits in the book, “I had pretty much run my life my way since that time and until it was totally shipwrecked.” When poor money management, the loss of a business and ultimate bankruptcy turned her world upside down, God got her attention so dramatically that she finds herself grateful for the experience.

“Was I thankful at the time for the financial straits our family was in? Of course not!” she writes. Yet, when she thinks of all the ways God has prospered her family since, she is more amazed than anyone. “I am forever grateful for our money woes, because they were the vehicle that drove me to God,” she recounts. Eventually, they recovered their credit rating, paid off debt, began to tithe and even saved for retirement.

“I believe our God is able to work absolute wonders on our behalf if we can learn to thank and praise Him in the middle of any stressful situation of life,” Lewis writes. “When we’re not thankful, we tend to focus on what’s wrong. When we focus on the muck and grime of stressful situations, we begin to grumble and complain -- and that makes the situation appear worse than it actually is.”

Even as holiday gatherings bring to mind difficult relationships with family and friends, Lewis suggests learning to thank God for those people. “Instead of our running from the difficult people in our life, God desires to change us first as we learn how to thank Him for our difficult person.” In her own experience, Lewis has found God either heals the other person or moves them on to some other place.

“Chances are, you didn’t receive something you needed from certain family members, and you’ve wasted a lot of time trying to receive that particular something from those people,” she writes, adding that they “may not have a clue about your need.” She suggests reversing the pattern: “We can get what we’ve missed, not by grasping or clutching from those people, but by giving to them.”

With parents, a Christian can give the respect, courtesy and gentleness that was needed but never received, she writes. With spouses, admiration, encouragement and unconditional love should be offered. Parents can begin giving children the love, attention, boundaries and devotion they may never have received during their own growing-up years. “I’m talking about the type of lavish giving that expects nothing in return,” she states.

From 1 John 4:20, Lewis is reminded that if anyone says he loves God but hates his brother, he is a liar. “Our love for God can be best seen in our love for people. If we don’t love others, we don’t love God. Those are strong words.”

Even in casual contact with other people, Lewis advocates speaking blessings on them. “When someone cuts in front of us in traffic, we can ask God to bless him or her instead of railing against the person’s lack of courtesy.” We never know what other people are going through. By asking God to bless them, we are extending the same grace to them that God has extended to us.”

Through the loss of her own daughter, Lewis is even more convinced that “family is the most precious commodity we have.” Even when a person may not have caused an offense or separation, she encourages Christians to be “the sacrificial lamb” in such relationships. “Begin thinking about and watching for things in your family that you can be thankful for. Try not to key in on their dysfunctions,” she advised. “If you’ve got family members you’re not speaking to, call or write them now. If we’ve prayed about it, God’s going to go before us and He can heal our families. He wants to do that.”

“As we begin practicing thankfulness today, God will begin an amazing transformation in our hearts,” she writes, reflecting on 1 Thessalonians 5:18: “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Lewis said her family has watched every year to see what God is going to do on Thanksgiving Day that is especially for them. “When you lose a loved one on or near a holiday, it doesn’t matter that it’s always on a different day. It’s always the holiday,” she said. While it is never easy, she does feel it’s getting easier. “God just got us through it and he’s done that every year.” For Lewis, thanksgiving is a heartfelt response.

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[Original illustration at this number was deleted for being obsolete]

Mourning customs differ from culture to culture. A particularly dramatic example comes from the history of southern Africa.

In 1824 the Zulu nation was led by its greatest king, the tyrant Shaka. His army was composed of at least 50,000 celebate warriors and he ruled with an iron hand. The young king’s mother, Nandi, was dying from dysentery and not expected to last out the day.

Shaka received the news in shocked silence. After dismissing the warriors around him, he continued to sit staring into space until word came that his mother was dead. Then he rose, ordered his indunas [generals] to put on their war dress, and disappeared into his hut. A few minutes later he reappeared, dressed for battle; his face was smeared with colored clay and for almost half an hour he stood among the assembled indunas with his head resting on his shield, occasionally wiping away his tears with his right hand. Not a word was said.

Francis Fynn, a white trader and among the first to contact the Zulus, watched apprehensively as the silent crowd waited for a signal from the King. Since Fynn had witnessed the reaction to the death of Shaka’s grandmother he had some idea of what to expect. From the moment he had realized that Nandi was dying, he had been aware that her death would be accompanied by a display of frenzied mourning. But nothing in his experience had prepared him for the mass hysteria which now convulsed Bulawayo.

The long silence was broken by a terrifying yell from Shaka. After sighing deeply three or four times, he suddenly screamed: ‘Maye ngo Mama!’ (Alas, my mother!) This cry was instantly taken up by the crowd. Frantically tearing off their ornaments they began weeping and howling uncontrollably. From the neighboring kraals [settlements of round huts], people poured into the royal enclosure shrieking at the tops of their voices to announce their arrival. By early evening more then 15,000 delirious men and women were milling about Bulawayo; the number grew through the night as more and more regiments crowded into the capital. Next morning Fynn estimated that no less than 60,000 people were wildly lamenting Nandi’s death.

The scene that morning was horrific. Worn out from the excesses of the night, hundreds of mourners lay fainting from lack of sleep and food, while others trampled over them in renewed bouts of violence. Some forty oxen had been ritually slaughtered but no one was allowed to touch the meat which was being devoured by packs of dogs and vultures.

At noon the regiments formed a circle round Shaka, who led them in a war- chant, and then ordered several warriors to be executed on the spot. ‘No further orders were needed,’ says Fynn. ‘But, as if bent on convincing their chief of their extreme grief, the multitude commenced a general massacre. Many of them received the blow of death while inflicting it on others, each taking the opportunity of revenging their injuries, real or imaginary. Those who could not force more tears from their eyes and those found near the river panting for water were beaten to death by others who were mad with excitement. Towards the afternoon I calculated not fewer than 7,000 people had fallen in this frightful indiscriminate massacre. The adjacent stream, to which many had fled exhausted, to wet their parched tongues, became impassable from the number of dead corpses which lay on each side of it; while the kraal in which the scene took place was flowing with blood.’

Nandi was buried at her kraal the following day. Ten of the best-looking girls of the kraal were buried alive with her. A regiment of 12,000 warriors was formed to guard the burial place for a year: they were supplied with 15,000 head of cattle taken from kraals throughout the Zululand. Even greater penalties had to be paid. Immediately after the funeral it was decreed that no crops could be planted for a year and that all milk drawn from cows during that period should be allowed to run waste on the earth. Any women found pregnant during the year were to be killed, together with their husbands. These appalling conditions, which entailed starvation for thousands, were enforced throughout the land.

Western mourning practices may seem cold and austere, but perhaps we should be thankful.*

The day after Mrs. Zelkin’s funeral, the rabbi dropped into console the widower. To his astonishment he saw the bereaved on the sofa kissing a dazzling redhead.

“Zelkin!” roared the rabbi. “Your beloved wife is not even cold in her grave, and already you’re… “

Mr. Zelkin cried, “In my grief, should I know what I’m doing?”

In Psalm 77, Asaph shows us how personal anguish can lead to growth. His pilgrimage shows us four crucial steps that lead from despair to joy. His honesty shows in each of 11 psalms he wrote. He knows us, he understands our innermost struggles, our abject hearts. He puts words to our wretched feelings. Yet he perseveres by faith to praise, and from his perseverance we can take hope.

Step 1: FOCUSING ON OURSELVES

It’s natural, when we suffer difficulty, to think first of ourselves, to pray first about our personal needs. It is never easy to turn to God for help. By nature we are proud. Looking first within ourselves and becoming aware of the pain that is there is the first step toward growth.

Step 2: ASKING QUESTIONS

Now Asaph shifts focus. No longer does he look only at himself and his troubles. He looks at God. And what he sees, he doesn’t like. Shaken by what, from all appearances, is a failure of God’s love and faithfulness, he assails God with questions. The cry of our Lord Jesus Christ on the Cross echoed Ps 22:1. He questioned the Father, but trusted Him for the answers.

Step 3: REFLECTING ON THE PAST

God’s seeming inactivity in response to the psalmist’s prayer brings bewilderment, but it does not prevent him from making a very important decision. Notice the “I will’s” in these 3 verses. Asaph is choosing to reflect on God despite his suffering, overwhelming circumstances, and the bewilderment of God’s silence. He is no longer carried along by the circumstances of his trial and his questions. Reflecting on the past faithfulness of God brings spiritual equilibrium to our lives.

Step 4: FOCUSING ON GOD

Now, in answer to his own doubts and complaints, Asaph sets forth in praise the specific things God has done that give him hope. Sixteen times in 6 verses Asaph had spoken of himself - ”I,” “me,” “my.” Contrast that with his words in this last section. Not once in 8 verses does he refer to himself. His focus is entirely on God.

FOUR STEPS TO GROWTH

We must not bury our feelings. Hiding them merely lets them fester and spread. Instead, we must expose them to the healing air of Communion with God. Neither must we hide our doubt-inspired questions. But when we’ve asked our questions, we must be honest enough to listen for answers, too. And we will find those answers in the miraculous works of God recorded in Scripture, in history, and in our own past. Finally, as we are reminded of God’s faithfulness and steadfast love, let us praise Him.

Terry Anderson was taken hostage by Lebanese terrorists in 1985. His sister Peggy Say has spent years seeking to have him released, even pestering foreign governments. (She is a member of an American Baptist church in Pennsylvania.)

On August 24, 1990, Irish hostage Brian Keenan was released. Peggy went to see him. He had been in Terry's room and found his Bibles. Terry was doing a historical study of the Bible and had learned French from his roommate. He had a Bible in French as well as a Catholic and a Protestant Bible in English.

Peggy asked Keenan, "Is Terry mad at the AP [he was a reporter for them]? Is Terry mad at the government? Who's Terry mad at?" Keenan looked puzzled. "He's not mad at anybody, really," he said. For the hostages, the five and a half years had been like they'd been for us, their families: cyclical. It's almost like the stages of grieving: first the denial, then the anger, finally the acceptance of what is. The hostages had passed through all those phases, and in the last year or two they had become very introspective, very moral.

They had made a pact with one another, Keenan told Say: they would do things with their lives on the outside that would have value, that would be moral, that would make a better world. And each would see to it that the promises they made in captivity were kept. If anybody started straying, the others would phone him up and say, "Hey, get back on line here." [1413]

*

Tragedies place a great burden on families.

Tim T. was a volunteer fireman in Coshocton, Ohio. Early one autumn morning his unit was called to an accident. A car had gone off the road and was upside down in an old canal. The firemen pulled two young girls from the wreckage. They had been on their way to school. Both were dead. Both were Tim's daughters.

As time went on, Tim became quiet and withdrawn. His wife Barb had a nervous breakdown and wept for months. The key to the survival of their marriage was sharing their pain with others, and then with each other.

I. Three out of every four women will be a widow. We must learn to deal with those who grieve.

A. LaVonne Neff told a close friend that she was writing an article

about widows, the friend responded,

"Tell your readers that widowhood has little to recommend it.

I still miss my husband dreadfully."

B. Newspaper poll disparaged grieving. [see #2495]

C. Glen Davidson divides the grieving process into four stages.

1) The first stage, numbness, lasts about two weeks.

a) You feel stunned.

b) You do not really feel they are dead.

c) Everything seems unreal.

2) Numbness soon gives way to searching and yearning.

a) You become restless and impatient.

b) There may be feelings of anger and guilt, that you don't

understand.

1> Anger needs to be allowed to come out.

One young couple refused to admit their anger when

their five-year-old daughter died.

Within six months they were divorced.

Within a year the woman was in a mental hospital.

If the anger doesn't come, healing can't take place.

2> Guilt can be even harder to handle.

A> The past cannot be rewritten.

B> Some guilt is for sin and needs forgiveness.

C> Other guilt occurs even though you have done the

best you could.

3) After about five months, the disorientation phase begins.

a) You become disorganized, depressed, acutely aware of

your loss.

b) If the anger and guilt have not been dealt with, they

weigh you down. You may gain or lose many pounds.

Actress Helen Hayes described her first two years of

widowhood:

"I was just as crazy as you can be and still be at large."

c) The disorientation can last as long as 2 or 3 years.

4) Reorganization is the last phase.

a) Concentration gets better. Judgment improves.

b) Normal eating and sleeping patterns return.

c) Joy returns.

II. Good friends can make a difference.

III. Faith in God is the ultimate refuge.

A. The Apostle Paul wrote, "Brothers, we do not grieve like the

rest of men, who have no hope." 1 Thess 4:13

B. One widow said, Life's crises must be terrible for people who

don't have Jesus for a friend.

He certainly got me through a difficult time.

#2496

*

Mourning can have positive results in that it drives us to God and inspires us to help others.

A. Blessed are those who mourn. — – Matt 5:4

1) Our culture doesn’t value mourning.

2) Kingdom people mourn.

a) When the poor in spirit, having given up on themselves and their attempts to find happiness, turn in humility toward God, they discover they have been seized -wholly seized- by the grace of God.

• We cannot live under God’s authority in a sinful world without mourning.

• Our hearts need to break with the things that break God’s heart.

b) Mourning, not moaning.

B. Jesus wept over Lazarus.

1) Mourners are more likely to become instruments of God’s healing in this world.

2) Behind every hospital and hospice was someone who mourned.

a) They hurt enough to do something about it.

b) Candy Lightner mourned the death of her daughter and formed MADD – Mothers Against Drunk Driving.*

There can be shadows over victory and sadness in success:

Around 1900 a baseball game was being played by two Minnesota semi-pro teams. At the end of nine innings they were locked in a scoreless tie. In the top of the tenth, however, the team from Benson scored a run. The team from Willmar came to bat in the bottom half of the inning. Willmar's pitcher, Thielman, smacked a single. The next batter, O'Toole, smashed a terrific drive deep in the outfield. The crowd began its customary and proper uproar. Thielman rounded second base and headed for third with O'Toole digging after him.

As Thielman arrived at third, however, he collapsed. O'Toole didn't dare to pass him in the base path and so he obligingly half-carried and dragged Thielman the ninety feet to home plate. Amazingly, the umpire allowed both runs. Willmar had won! Thielman was the winning pitcher. Thielman was also dead. He had died of heart failure at third base. There can be shadows over victory and sadness in success.

______________________

(From Bill Stern's "Favorite Baseball Stories," Garden City, NJ: Blue Ribbon Books, 1949, p. 7.)

One day in March 1980, a 12-year-old boy named Frank borrowed a friend's motorized minibike and rode it out from behind a Dumpster and into the path of a car driven by John Favara, a neighbor. There had been friendship between the families and the kids had often slept over at each other's houses. The setting sun was shining into Favara's eyes when his car hit Frank. The boy was killed.

The death was ruled accidental, and no charges were filed, but the boy's family, frantic with grief and fury, didn't see it that way. The days after the boy's death were followed by a series of threats against Favara. At one point the epithet "MURDERER" was spray-painted on his car. Favara was a stolid, mild-mannered man, not easily excited or frightened, but the succession of threats rattled him. Especially considering who they came from - Frank's father was John Gotti.

Favara asked a friend, who happened to be a member of the Castellano Mafia family, what he should do. The friend advised him to get rid of the death car. The sight of it enraged Victoria Gotti - so much that in May, two months after the accident, she attacked Favara with a baseball bat. He went to a hospital for treatment of his injuries but refused to press charges. Nevertheless, Favara followed a second piece of advice from his friend: He put his house up for sale.

Toward the end of July, John Gotti decided to take Victoria off for a week's vacation in Florida. "My wife is still mourning my son and I took her down there to get her mind off things," he would later say. "She's still on medication."

On July 28 John Favara came out of his factory and headed for his car. He'd nearly reached it when a stocky man rushed him, clubbed him with a two-by-four, seized him by his belt, and heaved him into the back of a van. "Our friend is sick," the stocky man explained to a witness who wondered what was happening. "We're taking him home." The van disappeared down the road. Another man got into Favara's station wagon and drove it way after the van. John Favara would never be seen again.

Several days later the Gottis returned from their holiday in Florida. When Queens police asked John Gotti about his neighbor's disappearance, the bereaved father replied: "I don't know what happened. I'm not sorry if something did happen. He killed my kid."

Soon after, an informant told the FBI that "the individual responsible for Frank Gotti's death was killed recently at Gotti's direction, and Gotti wanted a solid alibi of not even being in New York at the time." Another told a New York cop that Favara was kept alive until Gotti's return from Florida so that Gotti could kill him himself. The informant claimed that Gotti cut Favara in half with a chain saw and had his body crushed in a compactor along with his car.

According to Jesus, Christians should handle grief more constructively.

_______

January , 2009: Court documents disclose that Favara was forced into a van, shot in the legs and killed. His body was then submerged in a 55-gallon drum of acid and dissolved.

The gospel writers paint their portraits of Jesus using a kaleidoscope of brilliant “emotional” colors. Jesus felt COMPASSION; he was ANGRY, INDIGNANT, and CONSUMED WITH ZEAL; he was TROUBLED, GREATLY DISTRESSED, VERY SORROWFUL, DEPRESSED, DEEPLY MOVED, and GRIEVED; he SIGHED; he WEPT and SOBBED; he GROANED; he was IN AGONY; he was SURPRISED and AMAZED; he REJOICED VERY GREATLY and was FULL OF JOY; he GREATLY DESIRED, and he LOVED.

In our quest to be like Jesus we often overlook his emotions. Jesus reveals what it means to be fully human and made in the image of God. His emotions reflect the image of God without any deficiency or distortion. When we compare our own emotional lives to his, we become aware of our need for a transformation of our emotions so that we can be fully human, as he is.

Paul tells the Corinthians that as Christians gaze upon the glory of the Lord, “with unveiled faces,” we “are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory” (2 Cor. 3:18, NIV). The apostle is suggesting that looking intently on the Lord will bring about a metamorphosis into Christ’s image by the Spirit. Paul illustrated this kind of transformation in his own life when he told the Philippian Christians, “I long for you with the compassion of Christ” (Phil. 1:8). Paul embodied the emotions of Jesus.

Many theologians throughout history have argued strongly that God is not moved by emotions. This doctrine of the impassibility of God, developed by early Christian apologists such as Justin Martyr, sought to distinguish the God of the Bible from pagan gods whose passions led them into all kinds of scandalous behavior. It is not surprising that Christians responded to the myths of Zeus’s rapes and arbitrary vengeance with an absolute statement of divine impassibility. What they meant to emphasize was that God does not have mad, shameful passions like the gods of pagan mythology.

The question “What is God really like?” is answered during an exchange between Jesus and his disciple Philip. “Show us the Father,” Philip said. Jesus responded, “He who has seen me has seen the Father.” Not only do the emotions of Jesus reflect an essential component of the image of God, his emotions also reveal the NATURE of God. On the basis of our belief that the written Word and the Living Word give us a trustworthy revelation of God, we know that God is emotional.

If we are the body of Christ, created and redeemed to represent Jesus in our world, then we, like Paul, need to “gaze upon him” and learn to experience the emotions of Jesus. Then we can know him, and in knowing him know God, and know ourselves as we were created to be.

COMPASSION

The Gospels tell us that Jesus “felt COMPASSION.” The Greek word for “compassion” speaks literally of a sensation in the guts, but was used to speak metaphorically of an emotional sensation -- just as we speak of “heart- breaking,” “head-spinning,” or “gut-wrenching” feelings today.

For whom did Jesus feel compassion? For people in need: a leper (Mark 1:40- 41), a widow by the coffin of her only son (Luke 7:13), and two blind men (Matt. 20:34). He also felt compassion when he saw crowds starving for bread (Mark 8:2). His compassion was stirred by physical and spiritual needs. His heart broke when he saw people who were distressed and downcast, like sheep without a shepherd (Matt. 9:36).

Once, when I was living in the Philippines, one of my great mentors -- Phil Armstrong -- and I were watching small children scavenging for food on mountains of smoking garbage outside of Manila. The nauseating stench turned my stomach. When a little boy struggled to turn over a rotting dog to find something under it, Phil’s body convulsed with sobs. “O God! O God! Please, God, save these children!” Whenever I read of Jesus’ compassion for the crowds of starving people, I hear Phil’s heart-rending cry. His compassion ignited and fueled the mission movement he led, just as Jesus’ fueled his mission.

Jesus’ empathy flowed out from his intimacy with the Father. It was after a time of withdrawal to a lonely place by himself for prayer that Jesus saw the leper and felt compassion (Mark 1:35-42). It was when he was in a lonely place by himself that crowds of people came to him and he felt compassion for them (Matt. 14:13-14).

In times alone with God, Jesus gained emotional receptivity and energy. Out of these times, his vision was clear, his words were empowered, and his touch cured. He created bread, restored sight to the blind, cleansed a leper, and raised a widow’s dead son. His compassion was translated from feelings to actions. His empathy was the effective power behind them.

ANGER

Compassion moved Jesus not only to heal, but also to ANGER. In a dramatic scene, Mark portrays Jesus “looking around with anger” at religious leaders (3:5). They were concerned only to see if Jesus would break their rules by healing a man on the Sabbath. When Jesus did, they immediately plotted to kill him. But though Jesus was angry with these religious rulers, he was also “grieved by their hardness of heart.” While the cruelty of their callousness deserved his anger, the condition of their stony hearts caused him grief.

Aristotle saw clearly that “anyone can become angry -- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not easy.” That is the challenge before us.

I look back with regret at most of my angry outbursts. But I do not regret an incident at the neighborhood pool when I was ten years old. Some teenagers were tormenting my brother Kenny, who had Down syndrome. I went ballistic -- screaming, scratching, gouging, biting. When the lifeguard pulled me off them, he told me to say I was sorry. I refused to apologize for defending my powerless brother against the “powerful” bullies. But only now is my anger mixed with grief over those who were so stunted emotionally that they were insensitive to the needs of precious people like my brother.

Jesus felt “indignant” (Mark 10:14) when his disciples did not allow mothers to bring their children to him for his blessing. The disciples’ self- importance irritated Jesus. Jesus slapped them with stinging rebukes: “Let the children come to me; stop preventing them.” Jesus then hugged the children, blessed them, and laid his hands on them (10:16). Jesus’ feeling of annoyance with the disciples quickly gave way to an outpouring of warm affection for the children.

In another instance, crass commercialism in the temple inflamed the zealous anger of Jesus and moved him to a violent action. The words of the prophet were like fire in his bones: “My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations” (Mark 11:17, quoting Isa. 56:7). ...Though the terrified merchants running from the crack of his whip saw only the destruction of business as usual, Jesus’ anger was motivated by “zeal for your house” (John 2:17, quoting Ps. 69:9).

Recently in our town there was a discussion about building a shelter for hundreds of homeless women and children. A friend of mine said that selfish pursuits were blinding people to this desperate need. She was upset, as Jesus was, that needy people were not being given the opportunity to find and worship God. ... In both cases the origin of anger was meeting the needs of others, and the aim of anger was constructive.

Our anger is often sparked by a threat to our own self-interests and usually results in bitter hostility. We need to heed Paul’s warning: “Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Eph. 4:26-27). The temple-cleansing story is too often used to justify incivility and unforgiving animosity.Paul knew of our propensity to legitimize our self-centeredness, and so his words on anger are full of warning. Anger is fire. When it burns destructively, it harms and destroys life. But the anger of Jesus kindles a flame within us that warms and restores life.

GRIEF

Take a moment and reread the story we call Jesus’ “triumphal entry” (Luke 19:41-44). In Roman tradition, a triumphal procession showcased a victorious general riding in a gold-covered chariot pulled by white chargers. His army marched in resplendent array behind him. Wagons loaded with spoils and slaves attested to his power.

But Jesus rode on the colt of a donkey. A motley parade of peasants and children cheered him on his way as their long-awaited king. And the emotion that best describes Jesus’ state as he rode was GRIEF.

Jesus predicted the destruction of Jerusalem as he rode down the Mount of Olives into the city. His words describing the impending catastrophe were hyphenated by sobs. He wept, he wailed with grief over the coming desolation of Jerusalem.

Jesus also wept at the tomb of Lazarus. Witnesses said, “See how he loved him” (John 11:36). When Jesus saw Mary weeping, “he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved” (11:33). When he stepped near to the tomb of his friend, “again he was greatly DISTURBED” (11:38). When the word “disturbed” was used for animal sounds, it denoted the loud, angry snorting of horses. When used for human emotions, it emphasized the mixture of anguish and rage. Jesus wept. His groans welled up from the depths of his spirit, racked his body, shook the tombs, and echoed back from them. He raged against death, that terrible enemy that had attacked this, and every, family. ...

Likewise, Jesus was “troubled in spirit” when he told his disciples that one of them would betray him (John 13:21). He grieved over this betrayal by his friend Judas. Jesus had lavishly given his love to Judas. He called Judas to be one of the inner circle with the Twelve, to be close to him, and to participate in his work. He gave Judas the moneybag. He washed his feet. He gave Judas the place of honor next to him at the table. He gave him the dipped bread, a sign of love. All the time he knew that Judas would betray him. But still Jesus did not withdraw to protect himself. He gave himself to Judas without measure, and so he set himself up to suffer the pain of betrayal. When Judas led the temple troops to arrest Jesus in the garden, Jesus called him “friend.”

The Gospels portray Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane as one who is crushed by a heavy load of grief. He did not shrink from disclosing his deepest and darkest emotions to his disciples: “I am deeply grieved, even to death” (Matt. 26:38). He begged them to stay awake and keep him company, but they “slept because of sorrow.” His emotions were too heavy for them to bear. They escaped into sleep, leaving Jesus alone. “Terror-stricken and in terrible anguish” (Mark 14:33), Jesus agonized over the awful choice to endure or to escape the cross. As he wrestled in prayer, he was drenched in his own sweat “which ran like blood to the ground” (Luke 22:44).

Jesus’ familiarity with grief should give us pause. Too often we hear Americanized versions of the gospel that offer quick fixes, easy solutions, and suffering-free discipleship. We need the reminder that the man who knew God most intimately and fulfilled his will most completely was described by Isaiah as a “suffering servant”: “Surely he has borne our grief and carried our sorrows” (53:4).

JOY

While Jesus was a “Man of Sorrows,” Luke also paints a scene where Jesus “rejoiced very greatly in the Spirit” (Luke 10:21) - which implies more than cracking a wry smile. The occasion for this outburst was the return of the 70 from their successful mission. They had been given spiritual authority over all the powers of the enemy and, like a crack swat team, had liberated hostages. There was good reason to celebrate.

But Jesus cautions them, “Do not rejoice at this, that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven” (10:20). No matter how much power they exercised in their ministry, the ultimate source of their joy was to be rooted in their heavenly community: their names were written in heaven. Ministry is temporary. Life in the divine community is permanent. Then Jesus joyfully thanked the Father for opening the hearts of the disciples to see this and to enter into the fellowship of the Father and the Son (10:21-24). ...

On the eve of his execution, Jesus told his disciples that all he had revealed to them was so that “my joy may be in you and that your joy may be full” (John 15:11; 17:13). They should abide in his love as he always abides in the love of the Father (15:10), and they should be one as he and the Father are one (17:11). Here again joy is the mark of life within divine love relationships.

Jesus, the Man of Sorrows, was also the Man of Joy. He obeyed the will of the Father and endured the cross by focusing on the joy set before him-the joy of unshakable love relationships in the heavenly Jerusalem (Heb. 12:2, 22).

LOVE

Love permeated, guided, and empowered the spectrum of Jesus’ emotions. He felt compassion, was angry, grieved, and rejoiced because he LOVED. Love is an unshakable commitment of the will. Love transcends feelings and keeps on going when feelings falter or vanish. But love also involves and expresses emotions.

Jesus loved with strong desire. He told his friends, “I have desired with great desire to eat this Passover with you before I suffer” (Luke 22:15). The combination of the verb “desire” and the noun “desire” doubles the intensity in Jesus’ expression of his deep longing to be with his friends.

When a wealthy young man ran up to Jesus, knelt before him, and asked how he could inherit eternal life, “Jesus looked at him and loved him” (Mark 10:21). As soon as he saw him, affection welled up in his heart for him, just as sometimes when you meet someone, you get a strong feeling that this person could be your best friend.

Much is made about the difference between friendship (PHILIA) love and divine (AGAPE) love, but this is overdone. The words are used interchangeably for Jesus’ love. For example, the sisters of Lazarus sent a message to Jesus to tell him, “the one you love (PHILEO) is sick” (JOHN 11:3). Then the gospel writer tells us, “Jesus loved (AGAPAO) Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus.” The point is that Jesus loved in many different ways. All the words for love in every language of the world together are still insufficient to describe the love of Jesus.

His love led him to suffer and die. Jesus pointed to his sacrificial death as the ultimate measure of his love. “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). He asks his friends to live up to that standard of love. “This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.... You are my friends if you do what I command you” (John 15:12, 14). To live by that standard of love requires much more than emotions. It calls for total commitment to give up your life for someone else and to trust in the power of God to keep that commitment. But loving as Jesus loves also includes emotions -- intense, diverse, deep emotions. His kind of love will arouse emotions of compassion, anger, grief, and joy.

Sometimes we want insurance against the heartbreaks of love. The way of Stoic “apathy” seems safer than the emotional traumas that inevitably accompany the way of loving as Jesus loved. But hardening ourselves against the pains of love kills the capacity to love. As C. S. Lewis warns us in THE FOUR LOVES: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I am spellbound by the intensity of Jesus’ emotions: not a twinge of pity, but heartbroken compassion; not a passing irritation, but terrifying anger; not a silent tear, but groans of anguish; not a weak smile, but ecstatic celebration. Jesus’ emotions are like a mountain river, cascading with clear water. My emotions are more like a muddy foam or feeble trickle. Jesus invites us to come to him and drink. Whoever is thirsty and believes in him will have the river of his life flowing out from the innermost being (John 7:37-38). We are not to be merely spellbound by what we see in the emotional Jesus; we are to be unbound by his Spirit so that his life becomes our life, his emotions our emotions, to be “transformed into his likeness with ever- increasing glory.”

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G. Walter Hansen is Associate Professor of New Testament and Director Of The Global Research Institute at Fuller Theological Seminary and the author of GALATIANS, part of the IVP New Testament Commentary Series.

Copyright(c) 1997 By Christianity Today, Inc/Christianity Today Magazine. February 3, 1997 Vol. 41, No. 2, Page 42 *

I had wandered into a small Indian shop in the foothills of the Sierras in Northern California and struck up a conversation with the Native American woman who owned the shop. My own Modoc Indian heritage and love of Indian jewelry prompted me to tell her of the pain I suffered when my mother's silver Navajo concho belt was stolen. My mother had worn it almost every day of her life. It has passed on to me when she had passed through the arch of life to the other side.

I remember as a small girl putting my arms around my mother's waist and feeling the warmth of her body through the silver platelets. Having her belt gave me great comfort after her death.

As I talked with the Indian woman, I could sense her empathy. But when I finished expressing my grief at having lost the belt, her message was not the one of sympathy I expected. What she gave me was a new beginning and an insight into my mother.

"Remember," she said, "the true gift you were given was things of the spirit. Don't ever cry over things that can't cry over you."

My mother is not a belt. My mother is reflected in the woman who now stands in her place - me. My true heritage is the talents and strengths that she left to me. I no longer cry over things that can't cry over me. I cherish the fortitude and the love a woman left to me.

======================

By Cheewa James from Chicken Soup for the Soul Cookbook, Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Diana von Welanetz Wentworth

*

On December 24th, the evening of my father's funeral, my siblings and I gathered together in our childhood home to decide where our mother would live. My father left behind five children and my mother, the love of his life for 54 years. She was barely able to walk or function and he had been her devoted helper. She could not live alone.

We began to talk, and as Mother listened on, the discussion quickly turned heated. With our thinking clouded by shock, our bonds loosened by our recent loss, the talk turned more to the cost of caring for Mother than to the quality of her care. As we began to argue, our pain deepened and our loss was compounded by the thought of losing each other. Mother listened in shock, and we feared the family would die with Dad.

At the height of the battle, we heard the sound of caroling, followed by a knock on the door. My brother went to open it and, grateful for the respite, we all got up to see. Outside, the lawn and porch were filled with young carolers. And leading them was the priest who that day had buried Dad. He was as surprised to see us as we were to see him. He did not know that this was my parents' house.

We stood chastened by the sounds of "Peace on Earth," then closed the door. My oldest brother, stunned by the sound, whispered: "Dad sent them. He's reminding us to behave ourselves and take care of our mother."

With those words echoing in our minds, the arguments ceased, and within hours, we had decided on a plan. Our mother would move in with one of my brothers. The house of our youth was closed and bare, but the family was furnished anew.

________

By Marilyn L. Teplitz, from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul, Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Barry

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 37 years was still too raw. And this grocery story held so many sweet memories.

Rudy often came with me and most every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands. Rudy knew I loved yellow roses.

With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since Rudy had passed on. Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.

Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how Rudy had loved his steak. Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blond, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large pack of T-bones, dropped them in her basket, hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks. She saw me watching her and she smiled.

"My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes. "My husband passed away eight days ago," I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. "Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream section near the front of the store. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blond hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes.

"These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again.

I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision. I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know?

Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone. "Oh, Rudy, you haven't forgotten me, have you?" I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

________________________________

Wilma Hankins Hlawiczka from Chicken Soup for the Single's Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Jennifer Read Hawthorne and Marci Shimoff, copyright 1999 Canfield and Hansen

*

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Seeking -- and finding -- positive meaning in grief may boost the immune system. There's a lot of evidence that stressful life events can harm a person's health.

There's also a lot of evidence that people are capable of amazing resilience. Many people thrive after surviving tragedy.

Why? Many things must be involved. Julienne E. Bower, PhD, and colleagues at the University of California, Los Angeles, looked at one of them. They studied 43 women who had just lost a close relative to breast cancer. They also looked at a set of important immune cells -- natural killer cells -- in the women's blood.

Bower and colleagues found the women who placed the most importance on cultivating relationships, personal development, and striving for meaning in life had the most active immune cells. And over a four-week period, women who came to see these goals as more important had improved immune function.

“This study supports the possibility that a generalized form of goal engagement -- one relevant to more intrinsic goals, such as finding meaning -- may have positive [effects on immunity],” Bower and colleagues write in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine.

The women were divided into two groups at the beginning of the study. Every week, one group wrote about the death of their relative while the other group wrote about non-emotional things such as their plans for the day. Women who wrote down their feelings did not have better immune function.

The next step will be to uncover the ways in which “finding meaning gets under the skin and influences the immune system,” Bower says in a news release.

___________

SOURCES: Annals of Behavioral Medicine, Volume 25, Number 2, 2003. News Release, Health Behavior News Service. © 2003 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.

*

[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #4265]

To Smell Flowers

-----------------------------------

A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man

placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The sailor walked up to the man

and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"

The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to

smell the flowers."

Carol Beck is principal at Thomas Jefferson High School in

Brooklyn, New York. Though her contributions are numerous, she thinks

the most important one is the "grieving room." The violent atmosphere

in which her students live brings death to several of them each year.

Beck said she noticed how school violence accelerated after a

student killing. She said: "The one thing our kids did not have was a

chance and a place to mourn. We gave them a grieving room." 1

Scripture tells us, "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be

comforted" (\reference{Matt. 5:4}{Matthew 5:4}). As always, Scripture

gives us just what we need.

- Rick Davis ____________ 1. "Graduates celebrate survival after four

years at Brooklyn school," {Dallas Times Herald, }8 July, 1991,

A-3