325 Sermon Illustrations on Marriage

Else Weise of Linz, Austria, told police her husband Helmut had cut off his head while shaving. Actually she did it with a machete. Had been married 31 years. She was large and muscular and hen-pecked the skinny guy. But police found the bloody machete. She was convicted but still insists he did it while shaving.

Affairs are devastating and common. From "The Scarlet Letter" to "Fatal Attraction" extramarital affairs have provided the fodder for plenty of plot twists. Affairs have ruined millions of real marriages and the impact of illicit liaisons on most partnerships can be devastating, if not lethal - but that has not deterred more than 50 percent of American men and at least 40 percent of American women over age 40 to have affairs. Therapists say the shock of discovery and loss of trust brought on by one partner having deceived the other often places a burden on the relationship that only divorce can ease.

Therapists say the worse thing is to cover up the original deceit with more lies. "An essential part of repairing the damage is recognizing what it's done to the relationship, no matter who did the betraying." "I've never seen anybody who's said, 'Ten years ago there was infidelity and we worked through it, our marriage is better now,'" says family therapist Jerry Weinstein, director of the Divorce Resource and Mediation Center in Newton, Mass. What he hears instead from couples who do stay together is, "'Somehow we managed to survive, but I've never trusted him/her again.'" [used 7/9/95]

Dr. Frederick Humphrey, a retired professor of family studies at the Univ. of Conn. with 30 years of clinical experience, says adultery cuts across every social, religious, economic, or professional class. According to Atlanta psychologist Dr. Frank Pittman, "It's not the sex that destroys the trust, it's the lie. The lie destroys the intimacy of marriage." He sees four basic patterns of adultery, from slip ups to desperate romantic liaisons. In the latter case, Pittman says, "People get into these (situations) not because they met somebody 'wonderful,' because somebody wonderful is not screwing around with married people. They fall in love as a way of running away from a life that's too real for them. These are the people willing to give up their husband, wife, children, parents, job, grandmother, antiques - anything - for somebody they just met on an escalator." [used 7/9/95]

Dr. Florence Kaslow says the permissive climate of the 60's and 70's has produced a conservative backlash. Even therapists no longer view adultery as therapeutic, though resolving the anger of being betrayed can help a marriage that was limping along. Kaslow notes, "It often involves a real apology by the transgressor - which can be a stumbling block. In some ways, I think it's harder for husbands to forgive wives. Some men say, 'Well, all men do it. What could you expect?' If their wife does the same thing, though, their reaction is, 'How could you do this to me?' They can't tolerate the blow to their egos."

Sidebar on survey results:

75% believe adultery is always morally wrong.

2% have had an affair in the past year (1988 & 1989).

37% of men have been unfaithful.

29% of women have been unfaithful.

89% say they have never had an affair while married.

53% say a candidate's unfaithfulness would be a factor in their vote.

43% say it wouldn't be. #1811

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Television was introduced in South Africa only in 1976, and has ended many traditional forms of entertainment. The extent to which television has mesmerized people and broken down communication is illustrated by a recent event in Pietersburg in the northern Transvaal, where the body of the elderly Mrs. Anna Bronkhorst was discovered in front of her television set after she had been dead for three days. Her husband, Lourens, hadn't even realized that she was dead.

#314

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Principle of marriage as found in book of Proverbs.

1. Basis of marriage in Proverbs.

2. Bad marriages.

3. Good marriages.

4. Place of God in marriage.

Keeping promises makes life more stably human. Promises have power.

1. Human destiny rests on a promise.

2. Freedom comes alive in a promise.

3. The power of promise makes human community possible.

Marriage is good for health, wealth and happiness, according to a panel of social scientists.

The team of family scholars collaborated to survey a vast body of research on marriage and family issues. It is summarized in a document titled "Why Marriage Matters."

The project was sponsored by the Center of the American Experiment, the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, and the Institute for American Values. Lead researchers included Norval Glenn of the University of Texas, Steven Nock of the University of Virginia and Linda Waite of the University of Chicago.

"Marriage is more than a private emotional relationship. It is also a social good," the researchers note. "Not every person can or should marry. And not every child raised outside of marriage is damaged as a result. But communities where good-enough marriages are common have better outcomes for children, women and men than do communities suffering from high rates of divorce, unmarried childbearing and high-conflict or violent marriages."

From two decades of research, the authors culled 21 key points. Among them:

• Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers have good relationships with their children.

"Mothers as well as fathers are affected by the absence of marriage," the study states. "Single mothers on average report more conflict with and less monitoring of their children than do married mothers. ... But children's relationships with their fathers are at even greater risk. Sixty-five percent of young adults whose parents divorced had poor relationships with their fathers (compared to 29 percent from non-divorced families)."

• Cohabitation is not the functional equivalent of marriage.

"As a group, cohabitors in the United States more closely resemble singles than married people," the report explains. "Children with cohabiting parents have outcomes more similar to the children living with single (or remarried) parents than children from intact marriages. ... Couples who live together also, on average, report relationships of lower quality than do married couples -- with cohabitors reporting more conflict, more violence and lower levels of satisfaction and commitment."

• Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents.

On this point, the researchers cite a litany of warnings: "Children whose parents divorce or fail to marry are more likely to become young unwed parents, to divorce themselves and to have unhappy marriages and/or relationships. Daughters raised outside of intact marriages are approximately three times more likely to end up young, unwed mothers than are children whose parents married and stayed married. Parental divorce approximately doubles the odds that adult children will also divorce."

• Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mothers.

"The effects of family structure on poverty remain powerful, even after controlling for race and family background," the report summarizes. "Changes in family structure are an important cause of new entries into poverty ... . Child poverty rates are very high primarily because of the growth of single-parent families. When parents fail to marry and stay married, children are more likely to experience deep and persistent poverty, even after controlling for race and family background."

• Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples.

"The economic advantages of marriage stem from more than just access to two incomes," the researchers explain. "Marriage partners appear to build more wealth for some of the same reasons that partnerships in general are economically efficient, including economies of scale and specialization and exchange."

• Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.

"A large body of research, both in the United States and other developed countries, finds that married men earn between 10 and 40 percent more than do single men with similar education and job histories. ... The causes are not entirely understood, but married men appear to have greater work commitment, lower quit rates, and healthier and more stable personal routines (including sleep, diet and alcohol consumption)."

• Parental divorce (or failure to marry) appears to increase children's risk of school failure.

"Children of divorced or unwed parents have lower grades and other measures of academic achievement, are more likely to be held back and are more likely to drop out of high school," the study notes. "Children whose parents divorce end up with significantly lower levels of education than do children in single-mother families created by the death of the father. Children whose parents remarry do no better, on average, than do children who live with single mothers."

• Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health, on average, than do children in other family forms.

"Longitudinal research suggests that parental divorce increases the incidence of health problems in children," the study explains. "The health advantages of married homes remain, even after taking socioeconomic status into account. The health disadvantages associated with being raised outside of intact marriages persist long into adulthood."

• Marriage is associated with reduced rates of alcohol and substance abuse for both adults and teens.

"Young adults who marry tend to reduce their rates of alcohol consumption and illegal drug use. Children whose parents marry and stay married also have lower rates of substance abuse, even after controlling for family background."

• Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles.

"In most developed countries, middle-aged single, divorced, or widowed men are about twice as likely to die as married men, and non-married women face risks about one and a half times as great as those faced by married women."

• Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness and disability for both men and women.

"Married people appear to manage illness better, monitor each other's health, have higher incomes and wealth and adopt healthier lifestyles than do otherwise similar singles," the researchers explain.

• Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness.

"Divorce typically causes children considerable emotional distress and increases the risk of serious mental illness," the study details. "These mental health risks do not dissipate soon after the divorce. Instead, children of divorce remain at higher risk for depression and other mental illness, in part because of reduced education attainment, increased risk of divorce, marital problems and economic hardship."

• Divorce appears significantly to increase the risk of suicide.

"Divorced men and women are more than twice as likely as their married counterparts to attempt suicide. ... In the last half-century, suicide rates among teens and young adults have tripled. The single 'most important explanatory variable,' according to one new study, 'is the increased share of youths living in homes with a divorced parent.'"

• Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior.

"Teens in one-parent families are on average less attached to their parents' opinions and more attached to their peer groups. Combined with lower levels of parental supervision, these attitudes appear to set the stage for delinquent behavior," the researchers report, adding boys raised in single-parent homes are about twice as likely as other boys to be incarcerated by their early 30s.

• Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than do cohabiting or dating women.

"While young women must recognize that marriage is not a good strategy for reforming violent men, a large body of research shows that being unmarried, and especially living with a man outside of marriage, is associated with an increased risk of domestic abuse," the study explains. "Overall, as one scholar sums up the relevant research, 'Regardless of methodology, the studies yielded similar results: Cohabitors engage in more violence than do spouses.'"

• A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk of child abuse.

"Children living with single mothers, stepfathers or mother's boyfriends are more likely to become victims of child abuse. Children living in single-mother homes have increased rates of death from intentional injuries. As Martin Daly and Margo Wilson report, 'Living with a stepparent has turned out to be the most powerful predictor of severe child abuse yet.'"

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Catholic churches are requiring couples to live apart for up to 6 months in order to have a large church wedding. Half refuse the request to separate. Financial problems are often used to justify it. Couples are also required to take prepatory courses taught by older couples.

Interesting interpretation on divorce passages. Callison argues "putting away" means to leave a woman destitute without a legal divorce; this is what is usually condemned in the Scripture. Divorce itself is legal and remarriage can follow. Explains why marrying a "put away" woman results in adultery. The distinction in words must be maintained.

Biblical truths about marriage:

1. As a human institution it is temporal.

2. It is not a totally fulfilling relationship.

3. It is not for everyone.

How to strengthen marriage vows:

1. Develop other supporting relationships.

2. Churches must help in this.

3. Strengthen and honor your extended family.

Gives homey view on Bible's advice for marriage. Phil Donahue had 3 Christian couples on who believed in submission and they were ridiculed. But the Bible's instruction is true.

#1084

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I know it is not natural for most men to say, "I love you," to their wives. Researchers have found that from the earliest years, little girls talk more than little boys. After wiring a playground for sound, researchers found that 100 percent of the sounds from little girls' mouths were audible, recognizable words, but the boys didn't talk as much and, when they did, only 68 percent of the little boys' sounds were words. The remaining 32 percent were sounds like "uh," "Zooooom!" and "Yaaaaaah." No wonder we men find it hard to tell our wives the things they need to hear. That's also why Paul reminded women to be quiet!

#1086

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Two flyers from a Christian writer who is looking for a wife. Mailed to church with a generic label. She must be creative and love missions. Person who matches him up gets a free trip around the world for two.

[In 2004, he was still single. http://www.openchurch.com/team.mhtml]

God can use you were you are.

John Wesley, founder of Methodism, had a horrible wife. Even feminists admit she was a total shrew. One friend came in his house to see her standing over him with a handful of his beautiful wavy hair she had just yanked from him.

Wesley said she kept him on his knees [in prayer]. She also kept him on the road. He traveled 250,000 miles on horse over a 40-year period. He preached 40,000 sermons. Even bad marriages can serve God’s purposes.

Intimacy is a key to a good marriage.

1. Intimacy in the Bible

The Bible, of course, does not use the term intimacy. Instead, it speaks of oneness in marriage, a oneness that has been designed to meet our need for companionship and completion and to relieve the loneliness that is part of being human.

First, the husband-wife relationship is designed to reflect God’s image. The New Testament reveals something even more mysterious: God has chosen the one-flesh union of husband and wife to picture the intimate closeness and permanent love relationship of the Lord Jesus Christ and His people.

The principles are these: Leave all else; cleave unto each other; become one flesh. And the result: You can be naked and unashamed before one another.

2. The Leaving Principle

I discovered this as a young wife even before I trusted in Jesus Christ. I had just won a national public relations award and my career was moving ahead at an accelerated pace when my husband, Dan, was offered a promotion. The price tag: a move to a northern city.

Everything within me said NO! until I opened a Bible one night. Turning the pages in frustration and perplexity I came across the Genesis account of Abram and Sarai’s departure for parts unknown. As I read their story, God broke through my self-centered preoccupation to show me that marriage means leaving- -in my case, leaving personal ambitions and private goals in order to find the new life my husband and I were meant to build together.

3. The Cleaving Principle

Space, in a good marriage, signifies times when we need to be alone for a while. The danger comes when we stretch beyond that initial need into an emotional distance that finally becomes impassable. As a divorced person observed, “Once you start moving away, it’s hard to reverse directions.”

For example, as I worked with a group of young wives on an army base, it became clear that when the women spoke of their “space”, they did not mean time for themselves; they meant distance from the normal obligations of marriage. As the leader told us, “These girls -- and their husbands too -- equate “space” with wanting their own way and doing their own thing. The attitude that comes across is, “I’ve married you. Now don’t bother me!”

Sermon in Minor Prophets series on Hosea and God's covenant love.

1. Living parable of Hosea's family.

a. Bad marriage.

b. Humiliation of being betrayed.

2. Judgment follows sin.

3. Unfailing love is God's last word.

4. Have you taken this God as your God? [1406]

[Similar to sermon on September 4, 1983]

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The latest educational area for "politically correct" pedagogy is kindergarten, where it has even entered story time. At the Bryant School in Teaneck, N.J., children are indulged in their reading of Cinderella, but are then asked: "Will Cinderella be happy after she and the prince are married? Wouldn't it be better if Cinderella had wanted other things to make her happy?"

Debra Goldsbury, a preschool teacher at the Happy Medium School in Seattle, suggests confronting any tot who enjoys the fairy tale thusly: "This story is not fun for me. Cinderella isn't making decisions for herself or taking charge of her own life."

(Other examples of preschool p.c. are given.) [1692]

[compare "Beauty and the Beast" storyline.]

1,400 years ago the great Christian preacher named Chrysostom (golden mouth) made this comment on Ephesians 5:25-33:

“Have you seen the measure of obedience? Hear also the message of love. Do you want your wife to obey you as the Church does Christ? Then care for her as Christ does the Church. And if it becomes necessary that you should give your life for her, or to be cut to pieces a thousand times, or endure anything whatever, don't refuse it... Christ brought the Church to his feet by his great care, not by threats or fear or anything else; so should you conduct yourselves toward your wife.”

A braid appears to contain only two strands of hair. But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands.[*] If the two could be put together at all, they would quickly unravel.

Herein lies the mystery: What looks like two strands requires a third. The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps the strands tightly woven.

In a Christian marriage, God's presence, like the third strand in a braid, holds husband and wife together.

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[*] Actually, you can make a braid with only two strands but they have to be kept under tension or they unravel. (Holwick)

A few years ago there was a television miniseries about Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. Since they lived in the White House for 12 years I wouldn't call them a typical American family. But they still had some things in common with the rest of us. The scene I remember has the two of them sitting at the breakfast table. Franklin has a cup of coffee in one hand, while the other held the morning paper, which he was immersed in.

Eleanor proceeded to chat with him -

“Franklin, did you know the Smiths have built a new home in Arlington?” Without moving a twitch he responded,

“Nuh huh.” [no]

“Well, isn't that marvelous? Now they'll be so much closer.”

“Uh huh.”

“Some other news I heard is that Sarah Jones is marrying a British diplomat.”

“Oh really...”

At this point Mrs. Roosevelt was obviously perturbed, because her husband was obviously oblivious. So she added one more bit of news.

“Aunt Gertrude is very upset. She lost her head two days ago and hasn't been able to find it.”

“Uh huh.”

“FRANKLIN!! Put down that newspaper this instant! You haven't listened to a word I've said.”

Without lifting his nose out of the paper, he replies: “On the contrary, Babs. The Smiths have moved to Arlington, Sarah Jones is not the wife of a British diplomat, and Aunt Gertrude misplaced her head two days ago. Knowing her, it's not much of an inconvenience. A refill, please.”

WIVES, does that sound like your husband? (except for the final comment)

HUSBANDS, don't you wish you could come back like that?

#2306

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A few years ago a researcher named Linda Wolfe wrote a book on infidelity in marriage. She interviewed 66 women and found that 21 of them were having affairs to preserve their marriage. Five years later the author checked up on them to see if it worked. Only 3 out of 21 were still married - fully 81% were divorced.

Peace in a home should be by abdication:

A couple was celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Someone asked the gentleman the secret of their marital bliss. "Well," the old man drawled, "the wife and I had this agreement when we first got married. It went like this: When she was bothered about somethin' she'd jus' tell me and git if off her chest. And if I was mad at her about somethin', I was able to take a long walk. I s'ppose you could attribute our happy marriage to the fact that I have largely led an outdoor life."

Lawmakers hope to make the road to divorce court more difficult.

Ten years ago, Mark and Betty Squier's 19-year marriage appeared to be finished. They endured in what they now call a "married singles lifestyle." Mark, a police officer, had become a self-described workaholic, holding down an additional two jobs, while Betty, a full-time homemaker, devoted herself to the couple's five children. They had become virtual strangers with separate lives. Mark began an extramarital affair with a woman he met through work, and in May 1986, he filed for divorce.

In Michigan, where the Squiers live, adultery is still a felony. But, Mark says, "I was able to file for divorce because of this adulterous relationship, and had I gone through with it, I would have received no prosecution from the government for my criminal conduct and no censure from my church or the state for breaking my vows to my wife." What's more, under Michigan's no-fault divorce laws, Mark could divorce Betty against her will and walk away with half the family's wealth.

Betty, who did not want the divorce, eventually persuaded Mark to attend a Retrouvaille marriage retreat with her. An international Catholic lay ministry, Retrouvaille targets troubled marriages. Through the Retrouvaille program, the Squiers found new hope for their marriage, and Mark withdrew his divorce action.

Today, the Squiers say their marriage is stronger and happier than ever. They have become volunteer leaders with Retrouvaille, helping other couples address marriage problems. They also have joined a growing public campaign in Michigan to reform the laws that would have made it so easy to break apart their family. "It's a matter of putting justice back into the courtroom of divorce," says Mark.

NO-FAULT DEFAULT: Nearly 30 years ago, social activists argued that the elimination of the fault-based divorce system would reduce acrimonious court proceedings and enhance the status of women. However, given mounting evidence of the negative impact of divorce on families, children, and society, a burgeoning -- and surprisingly diverse -- movement is now calling for radical re-examination of U.S. divorce policy. As at least nine states consider new legislation this spring, many Christian leaders are urging churches to consider their own role in addressing crumbling family structures.

At issue are policies and assumptions that have been in place for more than a generation. California became the first state to adopt the "no-fault" divorce concept, which is now the basis of divorce law in all 50 states. Under California's 1969 Family Law Act, a marriage could be dissolved if either partner cited "irreconcilable differences which have caused the irremediable breakdown of the marriage." Legislatures across the nation quickly adopted the idea.

Divorce rates have since skyrocketed. In 1960, about 393,000 marriages dissolved through divorce or annulment. That number has tripled to almost 1.2 million annually. There are many contributing factors, but a 1995 study by the University of Oklahoma concluded that no-fault divorce laws raised the divorce rate by more than 15 percent. The divorce rate has stabilized in recent years because marriage rates have decreased, with growing numbers of unmarried couples cohabiting.

COUNTING THE COST: Numerous studies document the societal tolls of such trends. Judith Wallerstein, who began ongoing studies of divorced families in 1971, has conducted some of the most definitive research. "Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce," Wallerstein wrote in her book "Second Chances." Years after divorce, Wallerstein found adults still experiencing severe anger, depression, and financial difficulties. Children of divorce suffered even more, she discovered, exhibiting health and emotional problems and a higher rate of antisocial behavior.

Other recent studies have documented greater risks of alcohol and drug abuse, depression, suicide, criminal behavior, and sexual activity among children growing up in single-parent homes.

"We as a society are simply failing to teach the next generation about the meaning, purposes, and responsibilities of marriage," says a 1995 report by the politically diverse Council on Families in America. "If this trend continues, it will constitute nothing less than an act of cultural suicide."

More and more social analysts believe the state has a responsibility to intervene. Former Clinton administration domestic policy adviser William Galston, now a professor at the University of Maryland, is calling for more legal distinctions in divorces involving minor children and in those that are not sought by mutual consent. Even in cases of mutual consent, Galston favors "braking mechanisms," such as a mandatory waiting period for "reflection, counseling, and mediation."

Galston considers such reforms a moral issue. "Norms of personal satisfaction are now trumping norms of relationships based on obligation," he says. "That is a shift that has some advantages for some adults, but it has many fewer advantages for many fewer children."

Harvard Law School professor Mary Ann Glendon, a frequent author on divorce, also advocates reforms giving top priority to consideration of children's needs, especially in dividing marital property. "Unlike the conflicting and competing principles on the rights of the spouses in current marital property law, this principle has the twin virtues that it is relatively noncontroversial and that it applies to the majority of cases," she writes in a recent law review article.

MICHIGAN MODEL: Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Washington all have begun putting legislative flesh on such ideas.

Michigan took the lead when, on Valentine's Day, State Rep. Jessie Dalman introduced a package to overhaul the state's marriage and divorce policies.

Dalman's proposals would eliminate unilateral no-fault divorce, except in instances where physical abuse, desertion, adultery, substance abuse, or imprisonment can be proved. In divorces involving children, parents would be required to receive counseling about the potential effects of divorce and submit a postdivorce parenting plan to the court. Dalman also proposes incentives for premarital counseling: a substantial reduction of the marriage license fee and waiting period for couples who have undergone counseling.

During the hearing process last year, Mark and Betty Squier testified in support of Dalman's proposed reforms. Also solidly behind the proposals is the Michigan Family Forum, a nonprofit group affiliated with the Colorado Springs-based Focus on the Family.

"It is simply wrong that the state would, in effect, be on the side of a person who is breaking up a marriage for no reason," says Dan Jarvis, director of research and public policy for the Michigan Family Forum. "That is just encouraging irresponsibility." Jarvis says his group has mailed copies of Michigan's bills to 30 states in response to requests.

Syndicated religion columnist Michael McManus, who has been calling for these policy reforms since the mid-1980s, says such national interest represents a marked shift from the beginning of the decade when little, if any, political support for repeal of no-fault divorce existed.

"It is clear that there is a rising tide of public concern about the rate of marital dissolution in this country, and in particular its effect on children," agrees Galston.

The issue appears to be a rare one transcending standard ideological divides.

"It would be a mistake to see this simply as social conservatives," asserts Galston, a self-described liberal. Even long-time feminist leader Betty Friedan recently acknowledged that no-fault divorce has created a host of "unanticipated consequences" for women and children that need to be reconsidered.

ARE LAWS THE ANSWER?

Nonetheless, many observers question whether the current legislative proposals are the correct solution. In Michigan, several women's groups have argued that Dalman's bills could trap wives into dangerous situations by requiring proof of abuse. Some sociologists have expressed concern that reforms making marriage and divorce more difficult may simply encourage people to live together outside of marriage, prompting even more consequences for the breakdown of marriage and the family.

Many divorce attorneys, including officials at the Michigan Bar Association's family law section, argue that repealing no-fault measures will result in an escalation of the bitterness and fabrication of charges already all too often present in divorce situations.

Supporters of divorce reform disagree with such criticisms. Jarvis acknowledges that Michigan's proposals may require "a slightly harder burden of proof" for abuse, but he added that abused spouses able to substantiate their claims will also receive in the long run "a greater portion of the marital assets and child custody." In addition, advocates of a fault-based system contend that no-fault laws never really eliminated acrimony within divorce, but merely shifted it to other issues such as child custody and property division.

SLEEPING CLERGY? As the debate ensues, some Christian leaders express regret that the church has not been a stronger voice on an issue that has such direct moral implications. "Religious leaders are mostly asleep on this," McManus says, although he acknowledges that the "Catholic church has been more awake than most."

In Michigan, the state Catholic Conference has endorsed Dalman's reform package. The Michigan Family Forum, which is a Christian group, has been trying to rally other religious support for the bills as well.

Nationally, Catholic bishops, in a 1991 "Putting Children and Families First" report, urged reconsideration of "the consequences of permissive divorce" and called generally for divorce laws that "recognize the frequently devastating consequences of divorce on children."

Politics aside, more and more Christians are lamenting the lack of attention among Protestant leaders to marriage and divorce. "There is no strategy among any Protestant denominations to try and save marriages," says McManus, whose book Marriage Savers encourages such efforts.

Many observers see growing ambivalence about divorce, partly fostered by the experiences of church leadership. According to a 1995 study by Hartford (Conn.) Seminary, one-quarter of female and one-fifth of male clergy have been divorced (CT, Oct, 23, 1995, p. 82).

Such trends have a direct impact on marriage ministry within churches, according to David Ferguson, executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Intimacy in Austin, Texas. "You're not going to prioritize or emphasize ministry within your church any more than that truth is real in your own home," he says. "There is a lot of marital family pain in the ministry, and if that is not addressed, you're not going to have a healthy emphasis in the church."

In addition, Ferguson suggests that many pastors simply do not know how to address marriage and divorce issues. They are not trained in seminaries, so they relegate such ministry to other "professional" counselors, rather than dealing with it in the church, he asserts.

Craig Keener, author of "... And Marries Another," a book offering biblical interpretation on divorce and remarriage, welcomes new examination of church and social attitudes about divorce. He agrees churches need to place more emphasis on faithfulness and restoration of marriage. But he is also concerned that such efforts not create a backlash against hurting persons who have gone through divorce. "Within the church, on one hand, you have people who are so much against divorce that they take it out on divorced people, and on the other hand, you have people who don't mind divorce at all," he says. "Neither extreme is biblical."

The church needs to develop a "just divorce theory" similar to the criteria theologians have developed on war, suggests Mary Stewart Van Leeuwen, a professor of gender studies at Eastern College. "Divorce is not God's creational intention for people, but in a fallen world, we sometimes have to choose between the lesser of two evils," she says, adding that the "default option should obviously be toward the maintenance of marriage."

PREPARING THE CHURCH: Van Leeuwen applauds McManus's call to churches to do a better job of premarital counseling. "There's no point in getting moralistic and heavy-handed about divorce if we're not preparing young people better for marriage," she asserts.

Ferguson's center provides resource and training materials to equip churches for more ongoing marriage and family ministry. It also sponsors marriage retreats for ministry couples. Ferguson says new laws making divorce more difficult to obtain could help his work. "I think it would give pastors and church counselors more of an opportunity to encourage the couple to seek additional help, to explore every imaginable way of reconciling their marriage," he says.

The question many Christians are asking is whether churches are indeed ready to step in should new laws take effect.

Mark Squier says that when he first read Dalman's call for mandatory counseling before divorce, he saw a perfect niche for Retrouvaille, which in Michigan has an 80 percent success rate in reconciling troubled marriages. But, he says, he also became slightly alarmed. As a completely volunteer ministry, "we don't have the capacity right now" to handle large numbers of new applicants. About 400 couples attended the Retrouvaille program in Michigan last year, while 40,000 in the state divorced.

"Laws may be helpful in moving society in a better direction as far as making people think twice about divorce, but I think the church shouldn't have to wait for society to set the standards of morality," says Keener, professor of New Testament at Hood Theological Seminary in North Carolina.

McManus, who has been married for 30 years, urges churches to take more spiritual responsibility for the marriages blessed before their altars. He also is encouraging older, more experienced couples to be "marriage mentors."

In addition, 38 cities across the nation have adopted the "Community Marriage Policy" that McManus has advocated for more than a decade. Under the policies, clergy in local areas join forces in a unified commitment to "radically reduce the divorce rate." Ninety-five pastors in Modesto, California, signed the first community policy in 1986. A decade later, the number of annual divorces in the county has dropped to 1,606 from 1,923 -- while the population has risen to 420,000 from 303,000.

McManus believes that the church, "properly functioning," has the message that can strengthen marriages at every stage.

Based on their own experience, Mark and Betty Squier agree. "Forgiveness is never a part of society's message. Instead, we're told, 'You can be happier if you get rid of him,' " Betty says. But, she adds, the church has a different message: "If you are unable to forgive, then you will not be forgiven." And Mark and Betty say that message saved their marriage, even though the state would have readily dissolved it.

Copyright (c) 1996 Christianity Today, Inc./CHRISTIANITY TODAY Magazine

Volume 40, No. 4, page 84

Divorce rates nearly doubled in some states when no-fault divorce laws were enacted, according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics.

In this study, researchers examined the divorce rate per 1,000 people both three years before and three years after a no-fault law was passed. In 44 of 50 states, the divorce rate increased substantially after the passage of the law.

No-fault divorce was designed to lessen the adversarial process by no longer requiring a spouse to be proved innocent or guilty of violating the marriage commitment through adultery, cruelty or desertion. It also permitted one spouse to divorce without the consent of the other, making divorce much more accessible and less restrictive.

All 50 states currently have no-fault divorce laws, enacted from 1953 to 1987.

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Executive Editor: Greg Warner Associate Editor: Bob Allen Phone: (904)262- 6626 Fax: (904) 262-7745 ASSOCIATED BAPTIST PRESS RNabpmrjA5C08a5C18

"A good marriage is the union of two forgivers."

Ruth Bell Graham

Cited in The Best of BITS & PIECES

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"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."

Mignon McLaughlin

Cited in BITS & PIECES

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Jonathan Alter admonishes the singer Madonna to marry the man who got her pregnant. Being unmarried is conventional, predictable and uncool these days - even Farrah Fawcett does it! She says she has been burned by men (Sean Penn) and doesn't need them.

In truth, marriage is an important antidote to the social pathology that is ravaging America. The most accurate predictor for whether a child will drop out of school, face unemployment and commit crime is not poverty, race or neighborhood, but growing up in a single-parent family. It's the only killer correlation.

Even though her money might avoid these consequences, she should set an example for the youth who admire her. Marriage continues to be the pathway to responsible fatherhood. Married men, as David Blankenhorn, author of "Fatherless America" puts it, are "less likely to do bad, and more likely to do good, in any area you measure," from supporting their children to holding a job. Marriage tames men, socializing them so they don't wreck the culture.

Since she is in show business, she understands the significance of contracts. They impose reciprocal responsibilities that make completing a project (be it cutting an album or raising a child) easier. The bond is more than a piece of paper. It's a measure of the commitment necessary to properly shepherd

children toward adulthood.

American values have certainly changed since the day when Ingrid Bergman's career was almost ruined because she had a baby out of wedlock. "I'm not advocating a return to those days, though a little stigma directed at errant role models wouldn't hurt. What I'm suggesting is that artists like you who claim to be interested in divining the future of American culture need to readjust your vision. The next wave is restoring the family, and with it, the country itself. Ride it, Madonna."

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