108 Sermon Illustrations on Childrearing

How to raise a juvenile delinquent:

1. Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he

will grow up to believe the world owes him a living.

2. When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he's

cute. It will also encourage him to pick up cuter phrases that will blow

off the top of your head later.

3. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait till he is 21 and then let him

decide for himself.

4. Avoid use of the word "wrong". He may develop a guilt complex. This will

condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car

that society is against him and he is being persecuted.

5. Pick up everything he leaves lying around--books, shoes, and clothing. Do

everything for him so he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility

onto others.

6. Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that

the silverware and drinking glassed are sterilized, but let his mind feast

on garbage. [used Nov 3, 1991]

7. Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will

not be too shocked when the home is broken up later.

8. Give a child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own.

Why should he have things as tough as you had them?

9. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink and comfort. See that every

sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration.

10. Take his part against neighbors, teachers and policemen. They are all

prejudiced against your child.

11. When he gets into real trouble, apologize for yourself by saying, "I never

could do anything with him."

12. Prepare for a life of grief. You will be apt to have it.

[also found in William Barclay, "Ten Commandments," p. 57]

In 2016, psychologist Dr. Peter Langman compiled biographical data on 56 American school shooters. He found that 82% had grown up in dysfunctional family situations, usually without two biological parents at home. The trend has sadly continued. The shooter in Uvalde, Texas, hadn’t lived with his father in years. The Sandy Hook shooter hadn’t seen his father in the two years leading up to that massacre.

Last month, new research from the Institute for Family Studies demonstrated, once again, how important fathers are, especially for boys. For example, boys growing up without their dads are only half as likely to graduate from college as their peers who live with dad at home. Strikingly, those numbers remain steady even after controlling for other factors such as race, income, and general IQ. Boys without a dad at home are also almost twice as likely to be “idle” in their late twenties, defined as neither working nor in school, and are significantly more likely to have been arrested or incarcerated by the time they turn 35.

These are only a few of the data points which demonstrate that fatherlessness is one of the most pressing crises our culture is facing. Why doesn’t our culture talk more about this?

One reason is that this crisis intersects other “third rails.” Our culture got to this point via the sexual revolution, which encouraged promiscuity by redefining freedom and prioritizing autonomy over responsibility. When sex outside of marriage becomes normal, it is mostly women who are left on their own to raise the resulting children.

There are other contributing factors as well, many of which were made possible by legislation. Divorce has been largely destigmatized, not in small part by making it legally easier. The legal demand for same-sex “marriage” brought with it the demand for same-sex parenting, which by definition asserts that kids do not need both a mother and a father. Certain forms of assisted reproduction likewise assert that children are less the fruit of a committed marriage than they are a commercial process.

And now here we are, with 32% of American boys growing up in homes without their biological dads. If there’s anything that we should learn from the grim outcomes of this social experiment, it is that dads aren’t replaceable. This was true from creation, but even more so in a fallen world with each of us born with a fallen human nature. We only learn to grow from socially, emotionally, and spiritually immature children into adults so that we can live together in a healthy way by seeing healthy behavior modeled and by having unhealthy behavior corrected.

Scripture passages affirm that mentoring in righteousness requires demonstration, as much or more than just explanation. Christ repeatedly told his followers to “do as He did.” When He washed His disciples’ feet, He offered it as an object lesson: “I give you an example, that you also should do as I did to you.” Paul told believers in Corinth and Ephesus to be “imitators” of him, just as he was an “imitator of Christ.”

In other places, Scripture even points to modelling and mimicry in sex-specific ways. In his letter to Titus, Paul instructed men to be “dignified” and “self-controlled” and to “urge the younger men to be self-controlled.” He also told the older women to “teach what is good” and to “train the younger women” to be “self-controlled,” “pure” and “kind.” 

That, of course, is another cultural third rail. We are so desperate to pretend sexual difference isn’t built into our biological reality, we simply cannot abide the suggestion that our genders are critically important in parenting. But the numbers don’t lie. As Dr. Ryan Anderson, president of the Ethics and Public Policy Center, puts it, “[T]here is no such thing as ‘parenting.’ There is mothering, and there is fathering — children do best with both.”

Christians can challenge the growing public safety crisis that is fatherlessness, and we must start in the Church. We must affirm, in word and in action, that there are men and there are women and that both matter in parenting. We have to de-normalize absent dads, challenge men to take responsibility for their sexual choices and for their children, and fill in the gaps whenever and however necessary.

No matter if our technologies and cultural dogmas pretend otherwise, every child has a father. These new statistics show, again, that every child needs their father. We have no right to deprive them of that.

________

Copyright (c) 2022 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. “BreakPoint” is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

Divorce often hurts children, everyone agrees. It can cause great pain, anger, anxiety, confusion and behavior problems in the first couple of years of the breakup. And for some it leads to lasting anxiety, insecurity and fear of having close relationships with other people.

Most children recover, though it may take years, and go on to find happiness and success in marriage, work and life. Experts agree about that, too.

But from this general accord arises a heated dispute between those who emphasize the pain and those who think more attention should be paid to the children's recovery.

Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington, emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, has recently accentuated the more positive prognosis for children of divorce with the publication of her new book, "For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered," written with John Kelly and published in January by Norton.

And in doing so, she has brought this long-running argument among social scientists back into the public spotlight.

"Divorcing is a high-risk situation," Dr. Hetherington said. "But most kids are able to adapt. They're resilient in the long run."

Her studies over the past 30 years have found that 20 percent to 25 percent of children whose parents divorce are at risk for lifelong emotional or behavioral problems, compared with only 10 percent of children whose parents stay married.

"Now, that twofold increase is not to be taken lightly," Dr. Hetherington said. "It's larger than the association between smoking and cancer. But it also means that 75 to 80 percent are functioning in the normal range, and some are functioning remarkably well."

The other side of the debate is represented by Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, a co-author of "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study" (Hyperion, 2000), written with Dr. Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, a contributing science writer for The New York Times. The book concentrates on how children of divorce struggle with loneliness and anxiety, especially over love and commitment.

Dr. Wallerstein found that children of divorce, after suffering the breakups and then growing up in fragmented families, end up ill prepared to form their own intimate relationships.

"I am not saying these young people don't recover," Dr. Wallerstein said. "I'm saying they come to adulthood burdened, frightened and worried about failure. They want love. They want commitment. They want what everybody else wants. But they're very afraid they'll never get it."

The differences between the two researchers are partly of the half-full or half-empty kind. "We're not against each other," Dr. Hetherington said. "When I read Judy's books, I always learn something. But you know Judy has a gloom and doom approach to divorce."

"I don't have a gloom and doom approach," Dr. Wallerstein responded, "but I do think we've underestimated the cost on the child."

Their differences also have to do with how the researchers went about their work. Each spent the past three decades studying white middle-class families, mainly those that broke apart in the early 1970's, when the divorce rate was taking its last giant step to 50 percent of all marriages.

But Dr. Wallerstein, a clinical psychologist, did her own interviews with children and parents, while Dr. Hetherington, assisted by a cadre of researchers, interviewed the children and parents and observed the families interacting in their homes.

Dr. Hetherington's subjects kept journals of their actions and feelings and were given standardized personality tests. Reports were gathered from parents and peers.

Dr. Wallerstein's study involved 59 divorced families. She interviewed the children and parents five times over 25 years, and she compared them with 44 adults who had grown up in intact families.

Dr. Hetherington looked at more than 1,400 families, roughly half divorced and half not divorced. For many, data were collected seven different times over the course of 24 years.

Critics have often said that Dr. Wallerstein examined too few families.

Her work, said Dr. Andrew Cherlin, professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University, "is a very valuable exposition of what can happen when divorce goes bad."

"But where I have a problem," he said, "is where she claims that her 60 families are representative of all divorces."

Dr. Hetherington's sample is considered more representative of white middle-class families, and her standards of data collection are viewed as more scientifically rigorous. Still, some argue that Dr. Hetherington's study could not have exposed as much anguish as Dr. Wallerstein found.

But Dr. Norval D. Glenn, professor of sociology at the University of Texas, said he believed that Dr. Wallerstein dug much more deeply. "She got at something I think the standardized instruments wouldn't necessarily pick up on," he said.

The two researchers did arrive at certain similar conclusions. Each found, for example, that children of divorce, especially girls, often took responsibility for other family members' comfort. But each put her own spin on the story of how that happened.

Dr. Hetherington describes 8-year-old Jeannie, who does the laundry and the cooking when her mother is disabled by chronic fatigue syndrome just after her divorce. She also bathes her little brother and reads a story to him each night before bed. Jeannie is able to cope, Dr. Hetherington finds, because her mother does not lean too hard on her, for too long, and she provides love all the while.

Eventually Jeannie grows up happy, well-adjusted and enhanced by her experience.

"As long as the child has some support, divorce can have a steeling effect," Dr. Hetherington said. "Girls become stronger and more able to cope with future challenges." Dr. Wallerstein tells the story of Karen, who, as a 12-year-old, becomes the substitute parent for her younger siblings. She stays home from school to console her depressed mother, and she does the shopping for her father.

Karen, too, ends up happy, but not until after she suffers through a rocky period in her early adulthood, when she lives with a man she does not love or respect, because she knows he will not leave her. Even years later, after she has married someone else, she avoids all conflict with her husband.

Karen was a child of high integrity, and so eventually she pulls away and becomes a happy and loving mother of her own children and a very good wife," Dr. Wallerstein said. "But what doesn't leave her ever is the fear that when she goes to sleep at night, she won't have it all in the morning."

With divorced fathers, each researcher observed behavior varying from total abandonment of the children to strong bonding. But Dr. Hetherington calls attention to fathers she describes as "divorce-activated," those who are jolted into realizing how much their children mean to them. These fathers, Dr. Hetherington believes, end up forging closer ties with their children than they might have built if they had stayed married and relegated the parental duties to their wives.

Dr. Wallerstein found that most divorced fathers, 70 percent of those she studied, did not pay their children's college expenses. Only 10 percent of the fathers who remained married declined to pay. This lack of support, she said, was a big reason why just 70 percent of the children of divorce went to college at all, compared with 85 percent of their high school classmates.

"The fathers said, Look, I did everything the law expected me to do, but this is where the road ends," Dr. Wallerstein said, noting that most support obligations expire when a child turns 18.

Dr. Hetherington found a similar lack of support, but not as widespread.

Only 35 percent of her divorced fathers paid absolutely nothing for their children's higher education. "Of course, you get much less financial support from a divorced father," she said. "The ones who stay in there are the ones have felt they have some control over the decision making in their kids' lives."

She finds reason for optimism, however, in her observation that today, about a third of divorced fathers are seeing their children at least once a week, compared with only a fourth of fathers in the 1970's. "They could do a lot better," Dr. Hetherington said, "but there is a trend in a good direction."

Children of divorce have more than the average difficulty with marriages of their own. Women in this group are twice as likely as other women to end up divorced, according to Dr. Glenn of the University of Texas. For men, the risk is 30 percent higher.

The reason for this increased risk, Dr. Wallerstein maintains, is that children of divorce have grown up without good role models.

When they, too, face divorce, she said, "It's the nightmare they've worried about come to life."

Dr. Hetherington questions whether the children's problems with marriage are entirely attributable to the parents' divorces. Perhaps the memories of the strife before the divorces also have an effect, she said. Or, perhaps the children are predisposed to unstable unions.

"I don't mean that there might be a divorce gene lurking somewhere," Dr. Hetherington said, "but that characteristics such as antisocial behavior, irritability, impulsivity, lack of adaptability, which we know have to some extent a genetic basis, contribute to divorce."

Other experts pay tribute to both Dr. Wallerstein and Dr. Hetherington, even as they line up on opposite sides of the argument.

"Mavis Hetherington is an outstanding scholar," said Dr. David Popenoe, director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. "Nobody is saying that her data is off. But just because you are functioning seemingly well in later life, does that mean you still haven't been hurt and maybe hurt badly in some psychological way by divorce?"

Dr. Kyle D. Pruett, a psychiatrist at the Yale Child Study Center, said: "I don't think one of these people is right and one is wrong. But I believe that the public would find it reassuring to have somebody of Mavis's stature say, `Look, divorce is a process, and you have some control in how it works out.' There are some good ways and bad ways of doing it, but it is not a relational death sentence to the children or to the adults."

Parenting is not a precise science. It's not the kind of thing where you mix certain ingredients and you count on getting the same reaction. Parenting, well, is largely experimental. But after a while, you learn more creative ways to get your children to do what is right. You can yell, you can threaten, you can try to overpower - or you can work through a method I call “the squeeze.”

See, “the squeeze” sort of steers a child to the right choice. It's also known as the “lousy choice” approach. See, you give your child two choices, but one is so bad that he or she will choose the other one. In our family it might have sounded something like this: “OK, look, you can do the yard work with my help before noon or by yourself sometime before Friday.” They would do it then. Or, “Either you set your own study hours, or I'll set them. You choose.” It's amazing how the “squeeze” usually leads a child to being where he really ought to be.

Well, I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about “Squeezed To Obey.”

Our word for today from the Word of God begins with Jesus' parting instructions to His followers in Acts 1:8. “You will be My witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Now, guess which part of that they liked best? Right. Jerusalem. That was home. That was the familiar.

I'm not sure they would have ever gotten beyond Jerusalem unless they were pushed, unless they were squeezed to go. Now, that was Acts 1:8. Acts 8:1 tells how it happened. “A great persecution broke out against the church at Jerusalem, and all except the apostles were scattered through Judea and Samaria ... Those who had been scattered preached the Word wherever they went.” Well, the Gospel exploded across the region and the world because God squeezed them out of their comfort zone. God allowed their comfort zone to suddenly become very uncomfortable.

It's as if the Heavenly Father said, “OK, you've got two choices. You can stay where you are in a painful situation, or you can go where I've been trying to send you and take those risks.” Actually, we're just like those first Christians. We get settled into one way of doing things. We hunker down in our current situation, not necessarily because it's the best but because it's comfortable. It's familiar. And then God starts squeezing.

Now, you may be wondering why God has turned up the heat on you recently, why He's increased the pressure. It may be because He wants you to make a change. You can stubbornly choose the pain of staying put if you want to - or you can obediently choose what He knows is best for you.

It may look risky, but it's where He wants you to go. And that's why the squeeze is on. If you're feeling the pressure, it isn't so much that God is angry with you. He's just got something better for you. And He wants you to step up and choose that something better. But if you're like my children - or the First Century Jerusalem Christians - you have to be squeezed to obey.

________________

Copyright © Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, Inc., PO Box 400, Harrison, AR 72602. Used by permission. Written by Ron Hutchcraft. "Practical Answers to Real Life Issues"

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #3637]

The birth of every child is special, but my younger son’s birth was extraordinary. My wife nudged me in the middle of the night to inform me her water had broken. A race to the hospital ensued. Fifty-two minutes from the water breaking and 17 minutes after entering the hospital, our third child, Hutch, came into the world. But the precipitous labor was not the special part.

An Uncommon Providence

Hutch was an unexpected pregnancy. We discovered his life four months after his older brother died. Hutch was born on November 13, the one-year anniversary of his older brother’s funeral. Everything about his conception and arrival came saliently from the hand of God.

Given the unique circumstances of Hutch’s birth, I have a cautious hopefulness about his life. I wonder if God has special plans. Perhaps Hutch will reach thousands of people for Christ. Maybe his life will demonstrate massive kingdom impact. Hopefully he will embody godly character and a loving spirit. Whatever it looks like, I have a sense Hutch will be special.

Make Him Safe?

Alongside these hopes I hold for my son resides another view into his future. Having experienced the incredible pain of losing a child, I possess a desire to shield him from suffering. I tremble at the idea he may be bullied, or friendless, or experience depression, or struggle with addiction, or encounter failure, or be a victim of violence, or have his heart broken, or — God forbid — lose a child.

So, in my mind, I begin to scheme. How can I insulate him? How do I best protect him? I start mentally engineering his life to avoid suffering. We can hover over him at the playground. We can put him in a “safe” school. We can buy him the right sneakers so he never feels like a loser. We can prohibit contact sports. We can delay dating and driving until as late as possible. We can forbid all social media until college.

As I listen to myself drift into this fantasyland of futile control, I realize I’m walking up to Jesus and kneeling beside the mother of James and John, as depicted in Matthew 20. I foolishly ask for my son to have a seat at his right hand, without weighing the costs. I assume he can rise to a place of impact in God’s kingdom without as much as a scrape on his knee.

To the mother of the sons of Zebedee and to all parents who foolishly think we can shield our children from all suffering, while believing our children can gain Christian character without it, Jesus first says this: “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I am to drink?” (Matt. 20:22)

No Crown Without a Cross

On Jesus’s way to redeeming the world he encountered betrayal, injustice, torture, violence, condemnation, imprisonment, and alienation. He opened the door to glory through a cross. How deluded I am when I think an alternate path exists for my child’s “hoped for” service to God’s kingdom. He will not wear the crown of glory unless he bears a cross.

And how forgetful I am about my own formation as a Christian. Any Christian character I’ve gained in life has come at a price. There were humiliating failures in Little League and crushing (in my mind at the time) breakups in dating relationships. There was a sprained ankle days before a championship swim meet and a tantrum that landed me on the bench in junior varsity baseball. There were moral failures, lonely seasons, a bout with depression, and a job demotion. God’s Word and Spirit worked in me during these glorious humiliations and disappointments to instill empathy, perseverance, and compassion — all of which I still need more and more.

All of us parents know this is true: no person gains any character, humility, empathy, or integrity in the context of comfort. These attributes grow by God’s grace in the fertile ground of pain, struggle, and humiliation.

True Greatness

Hear the second statement Jesus made to the mother of James and John, and to us: “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matt. 20:28).

The hope of the Christian parent is to raise a child who lays down his or her life in service to God and neighbor. But faithful servants have very little ability to give their life to God and others when they’ve never found themselves lying in a gutter or two along the way. With each painful circumstance my son encounters, God will help him accumulate empathy for others. And this compassion acquired through suffering will provide a foundation for his ability to minister to others.

I want my baby to be a special servant of the Lord, and so I entrust his circumstances to the good and sovereign Lord. Knowing life inherently holds more than enough pain, I will protect him as much as common sense tolerates. But in handing over his life to God, I must brace myself for the reality that a painful road awaits him.

I take comfort knowing the Lord has already suffered for sinners like him. I find assurance knowing Christ has carried me through my own hardships, and I pray he’ll do the same for Hutch. I have hope anticipating that he may taste the joy of being redeemed, comforted, sanctified, and known by Jesus.

There are storms of perfection, when Christ permits the storm to help conform us to His image. This type storm is often worse than the storm of discipline. This is when the parent has already disciplined the child consistently through life.... now the child has reached young adulthood. The parents have done their best to instill principles of right and wrong in the child to act as beacons to lead the way through life.

Now is the time when the parents have to fearfully step back and see what happens. Love now takes hand off the control in order to allow the child to learn on his own. Oh yes, love will not allow the parent to leave... they are there to run to the rescue if called, but they not permit their child to learn be taking some knocks, and getting some bruises. Here is a little boy, Ricky, as he climbs into his red wagon. Mommy and Daddy have been very careful to instruct him in how to ride in the wagon. They have pulled him, they have pushed him, they have showed him how to hang his left foot out and propel himself. They have showed him were he could ride and where he could not.

A few times they have had to discipline Ricky because he wanted to do things that weren't wise... and even tried them. Like the time Ricky was about to ride the wagon down the steep hill... the one with the pond at the bottom of the hill. Mommy and Daddy had told him not to ever take his wagon down that hill. Or there was the time when they saw Ricky pulling his wagon to the edge of the road. He was going to play like he was a truck driver ... just like those other truckers that roared down the road in front of their house.

Well, after a considerable amount of training and discipline, it is his time to ride solo. So ... with his right hand on the wagon tongue, his right knee in the bottom of the wagon, and his left foot on the ground he pushes forward and the wagon starts to roll. But do you see them, there go Daddy and Mommy running along by the side, with their hands out, and anxious expression on the face. They are not touching the wagon, but their love makes them run alongside just in case they are needed in a mishap. This is how little Ricky learns how to ride in the wagon by himself.

So you're going through the storm. It's tough sailing, but consider that the storm may just be in God's will for you. Remember, He is Sovereign, and the One who sent you into the storm can care for you in the storm as well. If you could only see ... you would notice that He is running along side of your wagon with His hands outstretched to help you if you have a mishap.

"Children don't know what's best for them. That's why God gave them parents. If children knew what was best for them then we parents would be out of a job."

-- Unknown

Seven Worst Things Parents Can Do:

==================================

1. Put Your Marriage Last - its wrong modeling need to teach them how to have a meaningful marriage relationship. If your marriage fails its the biggest way you will hurt your kids.

2. Babying Your Child

Doing for them things they could do for themselves. It robs them of self-confidence when you don't allow them to take their own responsibility.

3. Failing to give you kids structure.

4. Being your child's best friend.

If you put all your concerns on them as a child and share your emotional struggles rather than with an adult friend or your marriage partner, you are robbing them of their childhood. (Not that you don't share any details about your life with them.)

5. Pushing your children into too many activities.

Don't forget, your child wants you, not just a buzz of activities that keeps them spinning. They want your love and attention. Too many activities keeps them too busy to evaluate life and keeps them from properly forming a life philosophy and world perspective.

6. Expecting your child to fulfill your dreams

So important for a parent to accept that your child is their own person. They are not a little version of you. They have similarities, and resemblances but a unique calling who they are supposed to be.

7. Ignoring your emotional & spiritual life.

You need to help your child identify their inner life and lead them to the right source of strength. (As a Christian it means developing an awareness of Christ and a maintaining a personal walk with God.)

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[Original illustration at this number was added to HolwickID #11835]

From Erma Bombeck's Column:

“I was listening to the radio one day to a child psychologist who said that parents should treat their children with respect as they would treat their best friend - with courtesy, dignity, and diplomacy. I've never treated my children any other way, I told myself. But later that night, I got to thinking about it.

“Suppose our good friends, Fred and Eleanor, came over and I treated them as I sometimes do my children? Dinner might go like this:

'Well, it's about time you two got here! What have you been doing, dawdling? Shut the door, Fred; were you born in a barn?'

'Well, Eleanor, how have you been? I've been meaning to have you folks over for ages'

'Fred, take it easy on the dip, or it will ruin your dinner.'

'Have you heard from any of the old gang lately? I got a card from the Martins just the other day. They're in Fort Lauderdale again.'

'What's the matter, Fred? You're fidgeting! ... It's down the hall, the first door on the left, and I don't want to see a towel in the middle of the floor when you're finished, either!'

'How are the children doing?'

'Well, if everybody's hungry, why don't we go in to dinner? You all wash up, and I'll dish up the food. Don't tell me your hands are clean, Eleanor. I saw you playing with the dog.'

'Fred, you sit there, and Eleanor, you sit with the half glass of milk. You know you're all elbows when it comes to milk.'

'Fred, I don't see any cauliflower on your plate. You don't like cauliflower? Have you tried it like I fix it? Well, you try a spoonful. If you don't like it I won't make you finish it, but if you don't try it, forget the dessert!'

'Now, what were we talking about? Oh yes, the Gruebers. They sold their house. I understand they took quite a loss on it.'

'Eleanor, don't talk with food in your mouth; and use your napkin!'

“At that moment in my fantasy, my son walked into the room. 'How nice of you to come,' I said pleasantly.

'Now what did I do?’ he sighed.”

Respect. It is a powerful component in mercy.

__________

Source: Call to Joy, by Don Jacobsen, Copyright (c) 2001, ISBN 0828016240; submitted by Al Stober

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #5802]

A story is told of a young man who stood at the bar of a court of justice to be sentenced for forgery. The judge had known him from a child, for his father had been a famous legal scholar and his work on the "Law of Trusts" was the most exhaustive work on the subject in existence. "Do you remember your father," asked the judge sternly, "that father whom you have disgraced?" The prisoner answered: "I remember him perfectly. When I went to him for advice or companionship, he would look up from his book on the 'Law of Trusts' and say, 'Run away, boy, I am busy.' My father finished his book, and here I am."

The great lawyer had neglected his own trust with awful results.

===============

Another version:

A young man was to be sentenced to the penitentiary. The judge had known him from childhood, for he was well acquainted with his father -- a famous legal scholar and the author of an exhaustive study entitled, “The Law of Trusts. “Do you remember your father?” asked the magistrate.

“I remember him well, your honor,” came the reply. Then trying to probe the offender’s conscience, the judge said, “As you are about to be sentenced and as you think of your wonderful dad, what do you remember most clearly about him?”

There was a pause. Then the judge received an answer he had not expected. “I remember when I went to him for advice. He looked up at me from the book he was writing and said, ‘Run along, boy; I’m busy!’ When I went to him for companionship, he turned me away, saying “Run along, son; this book must be finished!’ Your honor, you remember him as a great lawyer. I remember him as a lost friend.”

The magistrate muttered to himself, “Alas! Finished the book, but lost the boy!”

________

Homemade, February 1989

Scottish novelist Sir Walter Scott first gained fame with his poems of medieval families living on the English-Scottish border. Although Scott was well known, his son was ignorant of his father's literary fame, loving and admiring him for reasons closer to a boy's heart.

Once, the younger Scott was in the company of some older people who were discussing his father's genius. “Yes,” put in the boy, “he is usually first to see the rabbit.” Apparently Sir Walter spent a good deal of time hunting rabbits with his son. That time together meant more to young Scott than all the novels his father would ever write.

Erma Bombeck once wrote:

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I will tell them:

• I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom, and what time you will get home.

• I loved you enough to insist that you buy a bike with your own money, that you could afford.

• I loved you enough to be silent and to let you discover on your own, that your boy friend was a creep.

• I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore to confess that you had stolen it.

• I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that would have taken me 15 minutes.

• I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, disgust and tears in my eyes.

• I loved you enough to admit that I was wrong and ask for your forgiveness.

• I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, hurt and fail.

• • I loved you enough to let you assume responsibility for your own actions at age 6, 10, or 16.

• I loved you enough to accept you for what you are, not what I wanted you to be.

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #6680]

What is going on in North America today? Is it the blind ambition of the “Baby Boomer” generation bent on upward mobility at any cost? Brux Austin, the editor of Texas Business, has written that the only sign we seem to be looking to for direction is the dollar sign: “We have no built-in beliefs, no ethical boundaries. Cheat on your taxes, just don’t get caught. Cheat on your wife, just don’t get AIDS.” Our high-tech society, he writes, has given us everything -- “everything but a conscience.”

George Munzing, a minister, tells of a time he went to counsel a family about their son’s drug use. The father was distraught as he described the impact of drugs upon his relationship with his son. He said, “The thing that bothers me most about his being into drugs is the fact that drugs have made him a liar.” Moments later the phone rang and his wife went to answer. She came back into the room with the message that the call was for the father. He told her, “Tell him I am not at home.” Munzing then commented that drugs had not made the boy a liar; the father had.

Our daughter called the other day and told us that we had to hear what our 3-year-old grandson had just said to her - totally unprompted, out of the blue. He got on the phone and simply said, "Ronald." Karen and I cracked up. That's exactly what Karen says to me when I'm doing something weird - which, of course, is very, very rare. It's her lighthearted way of trying to correct this crazy guy she's married to. But our grandson had even mastered the tone of what she says - "Ronald." All this time he's been listening, recording - and now reproducing. Like we should be surprised?

I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about "Human Files."

Now, all the time our kids were growing up, we had this tapestry hanging up in our room - it said, "Children learn what they live." I guess. Our recent amusing experience with our grandson was only a reminder of the truth of that. Except the results of children learning what they live often are anything but amusing. Whether you realize it or not, your child, your grandchild - any child you're around very much - is listening ... recording ... and sooner or later reproducing what they have experienced or witnessed with you.

And if that weren't sobering enough, we have what Jesus says in our word for today from the Word of God to make us think seriously about how we're marking the children we influence. In Matthew 18:6, Jesus says, "If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." Wow. Jesus says, "Whatever you do, don't mess up a child."

So, it is obviously very important to step back and consider what we are putting on the video and audio tapes in our kids' minds. The angry words. The names we call them or other people. The racial prejudice that diminishes someone God created - or a whole group of people God created. The children are picking up how we talk about other people ... they're absorbing all that church gossip they hear and forming feelings about the people and work of God. They're learning how to handle stress, and conflict, and disappointment - by watching you. They're learning to respect or disrespect your spouse by the way you respect or disrespect your spouse.

I wonder what our children are learning from us about money - about how important it is ... about giving it generously to Jesus ... about how to handle those times when the money isn't there. Are they learning faith in a God who's a wonderful provider or fear and complaining? And what are our children learning from what they know we watch or listen to? Are they taught that certain things are wrong - and then see you watching those things portrayed or laughed about on TV? They are learning, not so much by what you say, but by what you live.

Think about what you're writing in the wet cement of that child's heart. It may be that you need to go to a child and actually apologize for some of what they have seen and heard - to let them know it isn't right and you're trying to change. And concentrate on giving them the kinds of experiences you want them to copy - praying together, calmly talking through things, listening before talking, putting the other person first, treating people with respect.

The children in our lives are human files - storing what they experience and ultimately reproducing it. They learn what they live - and then later they live what they learned. Jesus said, "Do not mess up the children, or you'll have Me to answer to." Be sure they're learning what you want them to live - what He wants them to live.

________________

Copyright © Ron Hutchcraft Ministries, Inc., PO Box 400, Harrison, AR 72602. Used by permission. Written by Ron Hutchcraft. 'Practical Answers to Real Life Issues'

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Did you see the newspaper articles about the new study demonstrating that conservative evangelical fathers are more likely to be abusive, detached and isolated from their families?

No?

That's because that's not the conclusion found by a new study. If it were, one can be certain it would be an above-the-fold headline in the major daily newspapers across the nation.

Instead, the study, reported in the Journal of Marriage and Family, concluded that conservative evangelicals make better fathers than their secular counterparts. The study suggests that evangelical dads are far more likely to read with their children, eat dinner with them and engage in outside activities together. The Boston Globe reports that, according to the study, fathers in a nuclear family with "strong religious and community ties" are "most likely to show up at dinner and put their kids to sleep reading 'Goodnight Moon.'"

Of course, this data leaves some secular academics scratching their heads.

"Evangelical Protestant fathers, including Southern Baptists, are very involved with their children, which I found surprising, given their tendency to embrace traditional gender attitudes," University of Virginia sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox, who conducted much of the research for the study, told The Washington Times.

Dr. Wilcox's reaction is predictable. Secular observers seem to wonder how people hold to such bizarre understandings of male headship and the complementary roles of men and women in the home. The sociologist asks himself why such "oppressive" views of gender roles and family life shouldn't produce homes seething with resentment and neglect. After all, wouldn't one expect that conservative evangelical dads would dismiss childrearing as "woman's work," while they attend Billy Graham crusades or uproot South American rain forests, or do, well, whatever it is that evangelical men do?

Perhaps there is another explanation. Perhaps evangelical fathers are more committed to their children, not in spite of their biblical understanding of the family, but because of it.

Perhaps this counter-cultural understanding of the father as protector and provider brings out something in men deeply ingrained in the warp and woof of creation, something reflecting the fatherhood of God himself (see Ephesians 3:14-15). Perhaps attention to the biblical mandate on gender roles also means attention to the biblical mandate that husbands lavish their wives (Ephesians 5:25-29) and their children (Ephesians 6:4) with love, nurture and kindness.

Ultimately, it does not really matter what sociological studies conclude, or whether academics and journalists pay attention. What matters more is where evangelical dads actually are, in the neighborhood or in the community barbershop or in the stands of the Little League ball field. The watching neighborhood children matter - those whose fathers prefer the golf course to the front lawn and watching "Monday Night Football" to reading Good Night Moon for the 700th time.

Perhaps, also, these unbelieving fathers will find the evangelical dad to be a strange phenomenon. Perhaps they will ask why. And maybe, just maybe, some of them will discover, not just what it means to be good fathers, but what it means to become sons of the only Father who can truly be called "good."

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We've been hearing for years that children raised in single-parent homes are at higher risk of poverty, drug abuse, and getting involved in crime. But for babies, a parent's marital status can literally make the difference between life and death.

In their new book, The Case for Marriage, Maggie Gallagher and Linda Waite examine hundreds of studies that cast light on how family formation affects children's health. Their conclusion? Divorce, they say, "appears to be literally making some children sick."

For example, one study tracked the health of children before and after their parents' separation. It found that divorce made it fifty percent more likely a child would have health problems, according to the authors. But for babies, marriage can make the crucial difference between life and death.

One study found that white babies born to unmarried mothers are seventy percent more likely to die in the first year of life; black infants born out of wedlock, Gallagher and Waite note, are forty percent more likely to die before their first birthday.

College-educated white mothers are the demographic group whose babies have the lowest infant-mortality rate. But even among them, they say, "being unmarried increases the risks a baby will die by fifty percent."

When babies survive infancy, their parents' marital decisions follow them into childhood and even adulthood. A New Zealand study found that children in single-parent families were more likely to be killed or hospitalized as a result of pedestrian injury than children from two-parent families.

A Swedish study found that adults raised in single-parent homes were one-third more likely to die over the sixteen-year study period than were adults from intact families.

What is it about marriage that so dramatically affects children's health? Well, part of it is likely the greater income married parents enjoy, which means they can better afford private health insurance. But Gallagher and Waite also found that "the lack of emotional support from a partner may also make it harder for a single mother to manage a child's health problems effectively."

This conclusion echoes what we read in Ecclesiastes: "Two are better than one ... for if they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up" [Ecclesiastes 4:9-10]. And, we might add, woe to the parent -- and child -- where there is no second parent to lift them up.

It's hard to keep children safe in the modern era. But children from two-parent homes have an extra pair of eyes watching out for them -- keeping them from running into traffic, drinking household poisons, or helping them when they exhibit symptoms of illness.

Now many single moms do a heroic job. I cheer them on. But they have a tougher job. And the two-parent family is better for the kids. The empirical evidence makes an unassailable case of that fact.

If you read The Case for Marriage, you'll discover more insights on the long-term benefits of getting and staying married. Benefits enjoyed, not just by the couple who walk down the aisle, but by children who grow up in homes where one parent is always there to "lift up the other."

For further reference:

Gallagher, Maggie and Linda J. Waite. The Case for Marriage: What Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially. New York: Doubleday, 2000.

_________________________

Copyright (c) 2001 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

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In his book, THE GOD DELUSION, Richard Dawkins argues that religious belief is — what else? — delusional. He mocks the irrationality of believing in something that you cannot subject to scientific scrutiny; he rails against the so-called “immorality” of the Bible, like the sanctioning of slavery — untrue — and the alleged way that religion, especially Christianity, stands in the way of scientific progress — also untrue.

Just in case his readers are not convinced, however, he then pulls out the REALLY big gun: Religious belief is a kind of child abuse.

By “child abuse” Dawkins is not, at least not principally, referring to the scandals involving sexual misconduct by Catholic priests. He means that teaching a child about Christianity can damage them psychologically and emotionally.

According to Dawkins, however “odious” sexual abuse is, he “suspect[s] that it may do them less lasting damage than the mental abuse of bringing them up Catholic in the first place.”

The “mental abuse” Dawkins refers to is the result of teaching children that nonbelievers will spend eternity in Hell. Dawkins calls this doctrine “an extreme threat of violence and pain” and “mental terrorism.” He rhetorically asks, “If you can sue for the long-term mental damage caused by PHYSICAL child abuse, why should you not sue for the long-term mental damage caused by MENTAL child abuse?”

Obviously, what Dawkins writes about Catholicism is equally true about any Christian tradition whose teaching is grounded in Scripture.

Dawkins’s accusations of child abuse are so absurd that it is hard to take them seriously. But someone will, so it is important to correct the record.

Yes, Christianity teaches that there is a Hell and that the unrepentant wicked will spend eternity there. But it also teaches that through His death and resurrection, Jesus freed those who believe in Him from that fate. To leave Jesus’ saving work out of any discussion of Hell is a distortion of Christian teaching.

What is also unfair is to criticize Christianity for its teachings on the afterlife without discussing the atheistic alternative presumably preferred by Dawkins and the other “new Atheists”: that is, when we die, we become worm food, and the universe soon forgets that we ever existed.

Now, that’s the stuff of real childhood nightmares! The idea that there is nothing beyond the grave is the stuff of countless anxieties. And, as Dostoevsky wrote, without belief in a God who judges us, human evil goes unchecked — that is, there is no justice.

In addition, Dawkins’s account of the effects of religion on children is, to put it mildly, incomplete. Surely, there is more to religion and children than teaching them about Hell.

There certainly is: Sociologists Christian Smith and Melinda Lundquist Denton studied the impact of religious practice on American teenagers. They found kids who were described as “devoted” or “regular” participants in religious activities did better than their un-churched counterparts. They did better at school; they were more active in the community; and, contrary to what Dawkins says, they scored higher on measures of “emotional well-being.”

In other words, Dawkins is completely wrong about the impact of faith on our kids — so wrong that, if he were consistent, he really might call atheism a form of “child abuse.”

________

Copyright (c) 2007 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #10999]

John Newton is the author of one of the most beloved songs of the Christian faith -- Amazing Grace. He was born in London July 24, 1725, to a pious Christian woman and the commander of a merchant ship which sailed the Mediterranean. In July of 1732, thirteen days before his seventh birthday, death took his saintly mother who had, since his third birthday, been his teacher and friend. He was left with only the memory of a godly mother and her Christian teaching.

When he was eleven, John went to sea and it was not long before he was wholly involved in the ungodly vices of seamen. As one author put it, "he became a dissipated sailor." He followed this ungodly path for many years, but finally, the memory of his mother brought him to himself. He remembered her Christian teaching and her godly life, and considered his ungodly lifestyle and his wretched life. The recollection of his mother prompted him to again seek Christ. He searched the slave ship for a Bible or some other book about Christ and found IMITATIONS OF CHRIST by Thomas à Kempis. This book sowed the seeds of his conversion. On May 10, 1748, when the ship nearly sunk in a violent storm he trusted Christ as his personal Savior. As a result of his mother’s influence a stream of boundless influence flowed forward throughout the world.

John Newton became a preacher of the Gospel. One of the people he lead to Christ was Claudius Birchman. Birchman went as a missionary to India. No doubt, no one has ever heard of Claudius Birchman. But, God mightily used a book this Englishman wrote, THE STAR IN THE EAST, to motive an American to become the pioneer of American foreign missions. The man this book motivated was Adoniram Judson, who became a missionary to Burma. Judson was the first American foreign missionary.

Newton also led Thomas Scott to Christ. Scott became a preacher and the author of the famous SCOTT’S COMMENTARY ON THE BIBLE. Rev. Scott pointed despondant attorney and harp player, William Cowper, to the Christ of the Bible and through reading Romans 3:25 Cowper was saved. He says, "I saw the sufficiency of the atonement He had made, my pardon sealed in His blood, and all the fullness and completeness of His justification." Not long after his conversion he penned one of the great songs of the Faith, THERE IS A FOUNTAIN FILLED WITH BLOOD.

William Cowper was used of the Lord to write many great Christian hymns but he also wrote other poetry, including THE NEGRO'S COMPLAINT, an anti-slavery work, which had a mighty impact on a short and sickly little Englishman named William Wilberforce. He became a powerful English statesman and through his efforts slavery was ultimately abolished England. Wilberforce was a dedicated Christian as well. He wrote, A PRACTICAL VIEW OF THE PREVAILING RELIGIOUS SYSTEM OF PROFESSED CHRISTIANS...CONTRASTED WITH REAL CHRISTIANITY. This book was instrumental in bringing Legh Richmond to Christ. Rev. Legh Richmond is the author of the once popular Christian children’s book, THE DAIRYMAN’S DAUGHTER. Between 1813 and 1820 there were 22 editions of this book printed in America. The book was used of the Lord to bring about the salvation of thousands. Undergirding this chain of events stands the influence of John Newton’s godly mother.

__________________

(Source Information: Golden Links in the Chain that Connects Mother Home and Heaven edited by Mrs. J. P. Newman, © 1890, p. 56-57; Moody Monthly, August 1931, pp. 594, 595; The Dairyman’s Daughter by Rev. Legh Richmond, M.A., published in 1800’s by American Tract Society, pp. 11-12)

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My friend Trisha's eyes filled with tears. Over the summer, she had discovered that her 15-year-old son, Skip, was experimenting with alcohol and cigarettes. She had tried talking to him, grounding him, and forbidding him to go out with a certain group of friends, but those restrictions weren't making much of an impact on him.

"What's the most important thing to Skip?" I asked. "Football," she answered without hesitation. Then I had a brainstorm. "Doesn't Skip have to sign a contract with the football coach that says he will not drink or smoke or use drugs while he's on the football team? And don't you, as parents, have to sign it, too?" Trisha nodded. "What about telling him that if he drinks or smokes, you'll inform his coach?" Trisha was silent. "I'm not quite sure I could turn him in," she said. "He'd be kicked off the team. I know I should, but I don't know if I could."

Allowing our children to experience the consequences of their actions is one of the hardest decisions parents make. But while every parent has an arsenal of discipline techniques to draw from, experts agree that allowing logical, age-appropriate consequences can solve most disciplinary problems.

"For everything we do in life, there are consequences," writes child psychiatrist Dale M. Jacobs, in "Zip Your Lips" (Element). "If we don't pay the electric bill, our lights will be turned off. If we do a job poorly, or don't show up, we may be fired. Parents need to allow children to experience the consequences of their choices in order to learn responsibility."

For Skip, being kicked off the team may teach him more than his mom's words or actions. Not only will Skip learn that his decision to smoke and drink has negative results, he will see that his parents are fully committed to dealing with him seriously. The next time he's tempted to go against their wishes, he'll know that doing so will result in more negative consequences.

It's important to point out that consequences are not the same as punishment. By grounding and restricting Skip, Trisha was trying to punish him. But punishment deals with past misdeeds, not future behavior. Biblically, the word punishment is not even tied to parenting. Discipline is the word the Bible attaches to good parenting; its definition is to correct behavior and instruct for the future.

The concept of logical consequences also mirrors how God parents us. In essence, it is a respect for an individual's free will, rather than an attempt to control another person. Best-selling author Philip Yancey calls this aspect of God "the miracle of restraint." In "The Jesus I Never Knew" (Zondervan) he writes, "I never sense Jesus twisting a person's arm. Rather, he stated the consequences of a choice, then threw the decision back to the other party." After the Fall, God's discipline of Adam and Eve is based on the consequences of their actions.

Jay Kesler, author of "Emotionally Healthy Teenagers" (Word), applies this aspect of God to parenting when he writes, "In all areas of God's creation, He allows His creatures to mature and function on their own. To participate with God in His creation we must, therefore, prepare our children for independence, for that is consistent with His plan. In a sense, we are carrying out His will and His intentions when we do so."

Using consequences with children is an effective way to shape their behavior. But it takes some thought to make consequences work.

GET SMART ABOUT CHILD DEVELOPMENT

For consequences to mean something to your children, you need to know what your child can and can't understand. Education consultant Kim Salch says, "If you're feeling frustrated about an unwanted behavior, be sure that your expectations are age-appropriate." You can read about child development, observe other kids, ask seasoned parents for advice, or find a mentor to figure out what your child is ready for. Look for patterns in your child's behavior. What triggers the problem? Hunger? Fatigue? Solve the problem and you may change the behavior.

Looking back, I regret that I sometimes handled situations as behavioral rather than developmental. When my then-4-year-old suddenly hated going to sleep, I reacted to these nighttime upsets with my own upset rather than realizing it was part of a stage. She grew out of that stage, but I still feel sorry that I didn't think of another approach, such as a longer bedtime story or extra snuggling. I expected too much, too soon.

MAKE SURE THE TIME IS RIGHT

While it might seem like young children should be protected from the results of their mistakes, experts say that you can use consequences sooner than you might expect. Salch says, "Learning about an environment begins when a baby becomes mobile. Mom teaches a crawling baby what 'hot' means by touching the dishwasher after the dry cycle, when it's warm but not so hot that it could burn a little finger. By the time he's walking, he won't touch a hot stovetop. It's a process that evolves as a child grows: as behaviors become evident, so do consequences."

With toddlers and preschoolers, experienced teacher Carol Grieb uses everyday situations to show children the results of their behavior. "When a child grabs something from another child and a scuffle results, I will say, 'Look! See what happens when you don't ask for the toy?'"

The sooner you practice allowing your child to experience logical consequences, the better for all. When my friend Gail's 3-year-old daughter insisted on wearing pajamas to church, Gail decided to let her wear them. "I've read about the need for 3-year-olds to assert their independence, so I thought, why not? If it's that important to her, I can swallow my pride for one Sunday." After one week, Gail's daughter decided it wasn't that much fun to wear pajamas to church after all. Choices are powerful.

SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS

For children to learn from consequences, parents need to make sure children know exactly what behaviors are acceptable and what the results will be for misbehavior. Provide simple, straightforward expectations so that even a young child can understand. Always keep in mind that what's clear to you may not be clear to your kids. Don't leave any questions in their minds as to how you'll react.

My friend Nancy thinks about consequences for her child's behavior ahead of time so she's prepared with the appropriate response when she needs it. She avoids head-on conflicts with her kids by giving them a lot of choices. She might say, "Patrick, I need you to pick up your toys before dinner. You can do it now or after you finish your game. If they're not picked up by dinner, then they'll be put away for a few days. It's up to you." Nancy also makes deals with her kids. Her children get what they want after they fulfill their responsibilities. "Yes, you can watch TV when your homework is done." "You can use the phone when your room is cleaned up." Obligations come first.

MAKE LOGICAL CONNECTIONS

The whole idea behind logical consequences is that the consequence is a clear, natural result of the behavior. In most cases, you won't have to work too hard to figure out the logical consequence of your child's behavior.

One 10-year-old I know began to surprise her mom, Kerry, with a newly acquired fondness for "back talk." Kerry noticed a pattern of sass each time Alison played with a certain friend. In a calm, respectful way, Kerry explained that sarcasm and rudeness were unacceptable in their home. She said that Alison would not be allowed to invite this playmate over until she could learn to control her own mouth. Kerry didn't ban or blame this friend. She gave Alison the responsibility to watch her attitude or experience the consequences.

DON'T BE A RESCUER

Naturally, parents want to protect their children from unhappiness. But when we start excusing them from their homework, driving to drop things off at school, or paying their speeding tickets, we aren't doing them any favors, especially as they prepare to head out into the real world, where they'll have to pay a higher price for their mistakes.

One mom I know finally realized she was going to have to let her kids face the consequences of their forgetfulness, be it a hungry tummy or detention for a missed assignment. When she stopped rescuing them and refused to deliver their lunches and assignments, they became more organized and responsible. I give my kids one "grace delivery" of a forgotten lunch or homework per quarter. I want them to realize that occasional mistakes are okay, and helping each other is part of being in a family, but that they are old enough to take care of these things.

BE WILLING TO GET TOUGH

We've always told our kids that if we can trust them in small things, then we'll be able to trust them in big things. A few months ago, I caught my teenage son in a lie. A big lie. There was no doubt that he was guilty; I had concrete evidence. After discussing the issue with my husband, we decided to withhold our son's driver's license for six months, even though he was prepared to take the test and eager for his license. We explained that his lie was a violation of our trust, and as a result, we couldn't trust him with our car, at least not yet.

This was a painful experience for all of us, but holding back his driving freedom was the right consequence, and the impact on him has been powerful. In fact, I've seen a great deal of maturing in him because of this consequence. He knows we mean what we say, and he knows our expectations of trust. So promises Proverbs 29:17: "Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul." Independence and responsibility go hand in hand. You can't give one without the other.

USE POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES, TOO

Consequences don't have to be negative. Research has shown that people learn faster when they are rewarded for their behavior than when the outcome is unpleasant. When my friend Lisa felt exasperated with her 5-year-old daughter's whining, she used positive consequences. She told Sara that if she could get through three mornings in a row without whining, she would get her favorite dinner. It worked! Figure out what privileges motivate your kids and use them to reinforce good choices.

Kids never stop making mistakes - old ones, new ones, messy ones, dangerous ones, funny ones, and hurtful ones. They have to learn that it's natural to make mistakes, but there are consequences to be paid. There's no pat formula for raising healthy and balanced kids, but if they grow up with an awareness of consequences for their behavior, with freedom to make choices and learn from them, they'll have a solid foundation to stand on.

__________________________

Suzanne Woods Fisher is a member of the CPT Advisory Board and the mother of four. She lives in California.

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today International/Christian Parenting Today magazine. Christian Parenting Today, January/February 2002, Vol. 14, No. 3, Page 26

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Sixty-one percent of parents rate their generation as "fair" or "poor" at raising children, according to a study that shows parents are struggling in instilling values in their kids.

The findings are part of a nationwide survey of parents conducted by Public Agenda, a nonpartisan think tank. The survey found big gaps between parents' efforts to teach good values to their children and their perceived success in doing so.

While 83 percent said it is "absolutely essential" to teach self-control and self-discipline, only 34 percent said they have succeeded in teaching those values.

Ninety-one percent said it is essential to teach honesty, but only 55 percent said they have succeeded in doing so.

The report also found that 53 percent of parents believe they are doing a worse job than their own parents did.

"This study suggests that, despite the efforts parents are making, they're having trouble," said Deborah Wadsworth, the president of Public Agenda. "They have no difficulty laying out a vision of the values they think essential to impart to their child, but succeeding at the job is another matter."

The study, titled "A Lot Easier Said Than Done," was based on telephone interviews conducted between July 31 and Aug. 15 with a random sample of 1,607 parents or guardians of children aged 5 to 17. The margin of sampling error was 3 percentage points.

Today’s kids desperately need Dads who...

... play catch, enjoy tea parties or wrestle because the heart of a child is there and they set out to capture it.

... laugh till their belly hurts and tears fall from their eyes while secretly creating deep friendships and memories that last a lifetime.

... make mistakes but consider them to be wonderful opportunities to learn.

... place an out of tune preschool concert or a ten-year-old’s baseball game on life’s agenda because they are of infinite worth to those playing.

... love at all times, because love is a gift freely given and not a reward for service well done.

... listen eye to eye and with both ears even if it means getting on one knee.

... admit when they are wrong and work to make things right.

... hear about those in need and say, "Let’s do something to help right now!" and set off an uncontrollable wildfire of generosity and kindness.

... give the credit to others and empower those they touch to succeed in all that they do.

... model love as action, commitment, and truth even when it hurts because they believe God can work miracles in even the hardest heart.

... love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind and know that the rest is just details

1. They give a child everything he wants.

2. They laugh at a child when he does or says something wrong.

3. They avoid the words "no" and "wrong."

4. They pick up after their children instead of giving them the responsibility of doing it.

5. They take the side of their children against neighbors, teachers, and other responsible adults.

6. They make every decision for their children.

7. They bail them out of every situation instead of letting them face the consequences of their mistakes.

8. They are over-protective, and do not allow their children to do normal and healthy things.

9. They let their children talk back to them.

10. They criticize others openly in front of their children.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life." (Philippians 2:14-16 NLT)

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William Wilberforce is remembered as the parliamentarian most responsible for ending the British slave trade. But to the people of his own generation, he was the man who changed the way the British viewed their role as parents.

Wilberforce did not marry until he was nearly forty. But as Kevin Belmonte notes in HERO FOR HUMANITY, once Wilberforce became a husband and the father of six children, he took up his new responsibilities with relish.

It was not unusual, notes Belmonte, for him to excuse himself “from important deliberations with fellow MPs to go out on the lawn and have a race with the children.”

Belmonte says it was through Wilberforce's example that British households “increasingly...became places where parents spent more time with their children, educating them, praying with them, reading with them, and playing with them.” Wilberforce resigned his powerful seat in the House of Commons in order “to take a more active role in education and rearing his children.”

Sadly, these days too many Christians in business or politics neglect their families. Wilberforce is a reminder of what every Christian father should be in spite of great demands on his time. For the sake of his children — and for the sake of his witness — he must be “at home, a candle set on a candlestick, as well as abroad a city built upon a hill.”

________

Adapted from HOW NOW SHALL WE LIVE? DEVOTIONAL by Charles Colson (Tyndale) pp 559-60

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[Original illustration at this number was a duplicate of HolwickID #9569]

Even if you're a klutz at do-it-yourself projects, you'll be able to accomplish this, though don't expect to produce heathen kids overnight. If you can raise your child as a heathen for the first twelve years or so, you'll probably have achieved your goal. Just follow these ten simple steps:

1. REMOVE PRAYER FROM YOUR HOME. The schools have taken the lead here, so your kids won't expect prayer at meals or at times of family crisis. Just make sure that you never pray in front of your children. If they see you bowing to a higher power it might make them feel somehow weak, inferior -- as if they did not control their own destinies.

2. KEEP A BIBLE AROUND. Now this may surprise you. While you must ban prayer, don't ban the Bible. Keep a copy on the shelf -- a high shelf. This is how you can appear open-minded while preserving the Bible as a closed book. To keep your kids heathen, however, you must never read to them from the Bible. “Seen not heard,” is the safest rule. Bible story books -- especially ones with attractive pictures -- are dangerous, too. There's a chance your child might pick one up by accident and ask you to read stories out of it. Don't allow one in the house.

3. PLAN FAMILY EVENTS FOR SUNDAY MORNINGS. This way your children won't have any excuse for going to church with their friends. Don't let your children hear the phrase “The Lord's Day.” Instead, say something like, “Sunday is my only day off,” or “Sunday is the only day I get to sleep in,” or “Sunday is the only day our family can do things together.” Before you know it, your child will be permanently trained to think selfishly about Sunday mornings, and will be very unlikely to be found in church.

4. TRY TO HAVE YOUR CHILD ATTEND A WEDDING held in a church. That way your child can never say, “I never went to church when I was a child,” like so many children say these days. But be careful. There's a chance he might hear prayers and become confused. It might be better to arrange for him to come to the reception only.

5. SPICE UP YOUR FAMILY VOCABULARY with occasional references to God damning someone. That'll help the children think God is angry at people and only wants to condemn them. Some families have found it helpful to say “hell” when they're angry so the child will associate it with swearing instead of a real place. Using “Jesus!” and “Christ!” and “God!” as expletives is also quite effective in inoculating your child against the Christian faith.

6. BLOCK CHRISTIAN BROADCASTING FROM YOUR TELEVISION by reprogramming your VCR's scanning menu or insisting that the cable company doesn't transmit those kinds of stations to your home. Be extra careful, though, to monitor your child's viewing so she doesn't accidentally watch an evangelistic crusade or something equally dangerous. A good substitute might be “The Simpsons,” or some other character-building cartoons.

7. DON'T INVITE GRANDPARENTS or other relatives to your home without first making sure they won't talk about Jesus or God. Tell them that all families have rules, and your home is designed to be “religious values neutral.” It would also be a big mistake to let your children stay with their grandparents if they are known to engage in any of the above taboo activities. Perhaps the children could meet with Christian grandparents for a supervised visit in a park. But letting your children visit for a day or more is just too risky.

8. SEPARATE MORAL INSTRUCTION FROM RELIGION. It's all right to tell your children the difference between right and wrong, just so long as you don't tell them that God is against stealing or killing or lying. That way it will be easier for them to adopt an “everything is relative” belief system which won't inhibit their lifestyle as teenagers and adults.

9. IF YOUR CHILD ASKS TO ATTEND CHURCH, tell her proudly that when she is eighteen she can make her own decisions, but while she is in her impressionable years you don't want to expose her to any pressure for or against God. Tell her that you are a politically correct parent. That you believe in separation of church and state, and that you only want what's best for her.

10. TRAIN YOUR CHILD TO SAY “PROTESTANT” when asked his religion. Don't bother to explain it. “Agnostic” or “atheist” or “heathen” might be more accurate, but people could consider you a bad parent. And it's best to avoid using the term “Christian” because it includes the name of Christ in a non-swearing context, which might raise questions in your child's mind.

If you do these things, you can almost be guaranteed a heathen child. You'll have the satisfaction of knowing that when she's in trouble, your daughter won't know how to pray. And she won't have adopted those narrow Christian values either. She won't even have a clue to what “sin” is. She will be able to do almost anything without feeling guilty, so she is likely to be healthy psychologically. And, even if she catches the mildest dose of Christian values, it is certain that she won't be able to transmit the Christian faith to her children. Enjoy. Utterly heathen grandchildren will be a cinch.

You'll notice that nearly anybody can raise a heathen child, almost without trying. Some vigilance is required, however. If you just can't resist your child pestering you to let him go to church, absolutely refuse to go with him. Drop him off at the door if need be, but don't go in yourself. It is vital that he sees church as something for children only, and that intelligent adults like his parents don't need religion as a “crutch.” Be aware, however, that even letting your child in a church could ruin the entire heathen training program. A child who learns about Jesus could become a joyful, happy, values-indoctrinated Christian. He might infect brothers or sisters, as well. Letting your child attend church, even by himself, is much frowned upon by enlightened parents these days. Now score yourself. Give yourself 10 points for each of the steps you have under pretty good control. If you've racked up at least 40 points, pat yourself on the back. You're well on your way to rearing a darling heathen child.

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I'm grieving again. The morning newspaper confirmed the late-night phone call the other day telling of the death of a 14-year-old boy, the son of a longtime friend. He was riding one of those accursed ATVs, the four-wheelers supposedly for farmers and hunters but which we mostly see kids riding alongside highways. He took his eyes off the road and hit a tree. A senseless, needless death of a precious young man.

I remember the first time a young person in my church wrecked while riding one of those monsters. She survived the accident, but after scraping the highway with her face, she left part of herself there forever. That was 20 years ago and I still grieve for her.

This puts me in a predicament. I want to urge parents not to allow their children to ride these suicide machines, but I do not want to dump more pain on moms and dads who made this ultimate mistake and will carry their sorrow to their grave. If you're in that category, please forgive me for the bluntness of what's coming.

God gave children parents for a reason. Someone in the home ought to be mature enough to make wise decisions and to enforce them. That's why the adults are in charge.

Tom Warrington worked in the emergency department at the old Baptist hospital in New Orleans while in seminary. After seeing what turning a teenager loose on these motorcycles can cause, he said, “We had a saying, 'Buy your teen a Honda for his last birthday.'“

Some kids on my block have a go-cart. Maybe 20 inches high, this tiny car speeds down residential streets at 15 mph and scares the blazes out of me. It's illegal, of course, for them to drive on the streets. But it's not just the illegality that concerns me; it's the insanity. Where are the parents? Presumably, they bought the thing for the kids, or at least allowed them to have it. What were they thinking?

These days, motorized scooters zoom up and down our neighborhood streets. They come from nowhere and are ridden by 12-year-olds who think because they can see you, you can see them. That's the same fallacy that gets seasoned motorcycle riders killed. Educate motorists all you can, but when people pull up to an intersection, they're looking for cars and trucks, not for people on bikes or motorcycles, and definitely not go-carts or scooters.

“But he just insisted he had to have one,” a parent protests. The answer is so simple it pains me to say it. If he insisted on a pistol, would you buy him one? If he insisted on taking up bungee-jumping or sky-diving, would you say yes? Just say no.

The problem is parents who do not want to anger their children, who cannot say no and make it stick and who will pay any price to purchase their children's approval.

God help us. God help the children.

Standing up for your child sometimes means standing against him. It means saying no and holding your ground. Your assignment is not to be popular with your child. Sometimes, if you are a successful parent, your child will utter the dreaded words, “I don't like you.” And because you are a mature adult, you will smile and say, “That's fine. I like you. That's why I'm doing this.” Period. No sermons. I guarantee you, a few hours later, a warmth will wash over the child when he or she realizes that they are truly loved. Loved in the ways that matter most.

A woman called in to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's radio program to tell how teaching her son to obey had saved his life. “'When I say be home at 7 o'clock, he knows I mean it,” she said. A teenager, he had recently ridden his mother's motorcycle (I'm not making this up!!) to a friend's house. The boy's father asked if he could ride the cycle and off he went. The two teens went outside and got in the friend's pickup truck and started “cutting do-nuts,” driving in tight circles for the thrill of it. The friend's dad had not returned when it was time to go home, so the son got out of the truck and walked home. A few minutes later, another boy arrived, crawled into the pickup and they continued driving in circles. Suddenly, the truck hit a curb, the new boy was knocked out the door, and the back wheel ran over him, crushing his skull. The caller said to Dr. Laura, “My son's obedience saved his life.”

My wife and I raised three children to adulthood with varying degrees of success. Having been there and done that, we would be the last ones on the planet to present ourselves as role models with all the answers. We made too many mistakes for that. I do, however, have a suggestion for mothers and dads who are at this moment in the thick of child-rearing and feel helpless against the pressure children exert.

Sit them down, one child at a time. Later, have a family conference to reinforce this. Tell the child you need to apologize, that you have been lax in an assignment God has given you, and as a result you've been cheating your children. But no more. Starting today, you're going to obey the Lord. But to do it, you're going to be needing their help. “God has told me I'm to teach my children to obey me. Without arguing or excuses or protests. I am to teach you to obey me the first time I tell you. And I'm willing to do it. It's going to be hard, and that's why I'm asking for your help. My job is to obey God, and your job is to obey me, without whining or arguing. Now, I want us to practice.” Let that soak in and say, “Would you go in the kitchen and bring me a glass of water, please.” Do not argue or explain, but sit there silently. When he does it, brag on him, then give another command. Tell him that from time to time, you will have a drill to practice. You'll be giving an order that may interrupt his homework or telephone call, and you expect obedience. (You can ease up on the details after the children have mastered the process.)

After the individual conferences, later in the day get the whole family together and go over the material again. If anyone balks, stop immediately and have a private conference with that one. Then, return to the family gathering.

“Mom? Dad? What will happen if we do not obey the first time?” The question is bound to come up. The answer is: “It will mean you didn't understand me. Because I know you love me and want to obey me. So, if you disobey, we'll stop whatever we're doing and have this little talk all over again.” Expect to be tested on this to see if you really are serious.

All around us we see parents who get through the years in fine shape, with their children ready for adulthood. They're doing something right. In most cases, closer investigation reveals they have taught their children to obey. “Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord” (Colossians 3:20).

Remember, this command was issued in a Christian community to those who take their discipleship to Jesus seriously. That's not all the Bible has to say on the subject, but it's the right place to begin. Your grandmother was right: “Well begun is half done.”

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Joe McKeever is pastor of First Baptist Church in Kenner, La., and a regular cartoonist with BP Lighter Side.

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