325 Sermon Illustrations on Marriage

You know you are spending too much time online when you intro- duce your spouse as “my.mate@home.net.”

Perhaps you are in a rut. The common explanation of a rut is “A grave with both ends kicked out.” Ruts aren’t always bad, but they can be. If life has become dreary and a bore, that’s a good sign that you may be in an undesirable rut. Re-examine everything that you do and ask yourself, “Is there something I could do that would make this activity more interesting and challenging?” If not, maybe a change to new opportunities would be the way to go.

Even our spiritual lives can get in a rut. For example, is reading your Bible a chore? Then get a new version and read it as though you’ve never read the Bible before keeping your mind open and searching for new truth. I suggest that you try the New Living Translation, available from your Christian book store or Amazon.com. It will put new zest into your reading of God’s Word like these verses from Psalm 130:3-4, “Lord, if you kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive? But you offer forgiveness, that we may learn to fear you.” That word “forgiveness” has a nice ring to it.

There is a muscle that beats about 100,000 times each day, pumping about 5 quarts of blood each minute, approximately 2,000 gallons of blood each day, throughout your body. The path taken, your system of blood vessels which includes arteries, veins, and capillaries, is over 60,000 miles long. That’s long enough to go around the world more than twice! And for an adult, this muscle is the size of two clenched fists.

For the couples whose hearts are not cemented by God’s covenant of grace, these clenched fists serve as a reminder of the constant, unbending posture of combative behavior rather than of two hearts divinely joined together in mutual love and support.

Weighing in at 10 ounces, the heart is the universal symbol of love. From golden heart-shaped earrings, to chocolate hearts, to various sizes of heart tattoos, the heart conveys a common experience. Or, does it?

At one time or another, most people will be struck by love and experience a skipping of the heart or even a heart flutter. Life comes to a stop and nothing else matters. Some couples will cry to the tune of an “achy breaky heart” (whatever that means!). Some will face an unforeseen heartache and even a broken heart when a so-called “good” marriage turns bad. Again, life comes to a stop. Still others will encounter and enjoy the blessings of the love God so wonderfully designed for a man and a woman. The two then become one. Not good math, but amazing theology!

William Gurnall, in his Puritan classic “The Christian in Complete Armour, Volume 1,” writes, “Head knowledge of the things of Christ is not enough; this following Christ is primarily a matter of the heart. If your heart is not fixed in its purpose, your principles, as good as they may be, will hang loose and be of no more use in the heat of battle than an ill-strung bow.”

Is your heart, as a Christian couple, “fixed in its purpose”? What are the guiding principles of your marriage? Do these principles “hang loose” and not provide the necessary help in difficult times? When two hearts are joined together to beat as one, then life’s greatest lessons can be learned. Consider these lessons, these principles, coming from the very H-E-A-R-T of God.

H -- Honor the Lord through your marriage.

The greatest testimony you can leave your children is for them to see and hear about the workings of God in and through your marriage (Psalm 78:1-7). The greatest testimony you can give a disease-filled world is evidence that Jesus makes a difference in and through your marriage. Be the salt and light to a tasteless and dark world. We exist on this earth to bring glory to our Father. You exist, as a Christian couple, to do the same.

E -- Encourage one another in unconditional love.

Husbands, do you know that your first priority in disciple-making is to disciple your spouse? Wives, do you know that your first priority as an encourager and booster is to support your spouse? “Building up of the body in love” (Ephesians 4:16) cannot take place in the church when Christian couples are working at tearing each other down outside the church. Find ways to verbally and behaviorally build up your spouse.

A -- Ask for and give forgiveness.

Perhaps every week, if not every day, you will have the opportunity (or even opportunities) to ask for forgiveness or forgive your spouse over something said or done. Be quick to do both. God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves (1 John 1:9). As God forgives us when we ask Him for forgiveness, would He not expect us to do the same with our spouse? What a beautiful example we have for each other! Do not allow the pride of the heart to rob you of intimate moments of asking for and giving forgiveness with your spouse.

R -- Realign your priorities daily.

We all do what we think (or feel) is important for us to do. Outside of your relationship with the Lord, your spouse holds the second spot of importance and significance in your heart. What changes do you need to make today to reflect this priority? Mark Twain once said, “One learns about people through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect.” What is your spouse learning about you and your priorities? What are you teaching your spouse by what you are doing during the day?

T -- Train your children to know and love the heart of God.

Concerning our spiritual parental responsibilities, Deuteronomy 4:9 compels and commands us to “teach [the statues of the law] to your children and your grandchildren.” We are to nurture our children in the faith. You are your child’s greatest spiritual mentor! Don’t be alarmed, but be warned. No greater urgency exists today in the home. No greater training will draw your children into the heart of God. The church has the responsibility to equip parents for this fundamental and essential task.

Cleland B. McAfee experienced firsthand a lesson from God’s heart. When diphtheria claimed the lives of his two beloved nieces, he penned a song to comfort his soul and the hearts of his suffering family members. We, too, as couples are now reminded to find comfort and strength in this one place:

There is a place of quiet rest,

Near to the heart of God.

A place where sin cannot molest,

Near to the heart of God.

O Jesus, blest Redeemer,

Sent from the heart of God,

Hold us who wait before thee

Near to the heart of God.

H-E-A-R-T: Herein begins the lessons learned from the heart of God.

”Let us then pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding” (Romans 14: 19, RSV).

I recall a speaker I once heard talking about her relationship with her husband. She had a very good marriage. One reason was because, in her own words, “I know what makes him tick, and I know what ticks him off!”

Clever lady. Smart wife!

For couples, and friends for that matter, to relate well to each other — and to build each other up — each needs to know and understand each other. To do this, we need to first know and understand ourselves … and know what ticks us off and why we get ticked off (get angry)!

There are some things we ought to get angry about, such as at anything that is harmful to myself or others, but oftentimes we get angry — and overreact — because of who we are rather than what the other person has done. In other words, when I have a lot of unresolved hurt and anger from the past, it can get triggered by the slightest thing and I over-react!

What the other person does may or may not be a problem, but my hurt and my anger is always my responsibility. And to the degree that I overreact, that is always my problem!

So we need to know not only what ticks us and each other off, but also why we get ticked off … and what we need to do about it if we are to have fulfilling and meaningful relationships.

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to know, understand and accept myself, so I will be much more understanding and accepting of others. And help me to face and resolve my character issues and be a peacemaker and not a troublemaker. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Even among believers, instruction in Ephesians which teaches a woman to be subject to her husband as the church is to Christ often is misunderstood, according to a popular pastor and movie producer.

Michael Catt, the executive producer of “Fireproof,” speaking at a March 27-28 marriage conference in Daytona Beach, said that’s because the follow-up verses, which say that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, are not as prominent.

“This is a time when churches are not a picture of marriage and marriage is not a picture of the church,” said Catt, pastor of Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Ga., which produced Fireproof.

Stephen Kendrick, producer and co-writer of Fireproof, said a godly marriage has at its center agape love, the kind of love that is unconditional and is demonstrated best by Christ’s love for the church.

“Men who are motivated by love will take responsibility for their home,” Kendrick said. “Love causes a man to say, ‘I refuse to let the devil destroy my marriage.’”

MARRIAGE IS GOD’S IDEA

Catt said Ephesians 5 shows God is the source of marriage.

Looking at the picture of how men and women relate, God also caused them to think and respond differently even though he made them from the same substance, Catt said.

Telling a story of a man who comes home from work and tells his wife he has a terrible headache, Catt said the woman tells her husband she had one the previous week. He thinks she’s trying to tell him she has a bigger one. He thinks she’s competing. He’s getting competitive. She’s just being sympathetic. All she’s trying to do is convince him she knows how he feels, Catt said.

Put the shoe on the other foot, Catt said.

“The wife comes home and says, ‘Honey, I have a headache,’ and the guy says, ‘Take two aspirin.... Don’t you know how? ... This is not rocket science, lady. Take two aspirin and get over your headache.’ He’s in fix it mode,” Catt said.

Understanding and acknowledging God as both the source of marriage, and His part in designing men and women despite their differences, can help individuals understand God’s role in marriage.

Citing the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act signed into law by former President Bill Clinton defining marriage as between one man and one woman, Catt said it was necessary because there are some who would redefine marriage because they are not comfortable living up to God’s standards. Recently Catt said he was told a homosexual person had purchased “The Love Dare” book to use in a relationship.

“It won’t work. The parts don’t fit,” Catt said. “You see, we have people trying to redefine something God has said is very sacred and it is a representation of Christ and His love for the church.”

Addressing the need to speak frankly on sexuality in church, Catt said he grew up in a time in the church when the topic was avoided.

“We said to all our little girls, ‘You be like Lottie Moon,’ and then we expected them on their wedding night to become like Marilyn Monroe,” he said. “Why have we made sex dirty? Because we’ve let the culture define it and not Scripture.... We forget the fact that God designed it. He thought it up. It was His idea.”

Speaking further of the unique relationship between a husband and wife, Catt said marriage requires leaving and cleaving, a voluntary choice for individuals to join each other and stay together.

“Quite honestly, there are way too many marriages today where the parents and in-laws are speaking too much about how those families function,” Catt said.

Pointing back to a picture of submission as taught in Ephesians, Catt said in the context of the passage and the culture of His day, Jesus Christ was known as the “greatest liberator of women who walked this planet.” Even at the cross, “men took off running and the women stayed,” Catt said.

Drawing from the example of Christ and the church, the husband is to be the source of a wife’s security -- a leader and not a dictator, Catt said.

“I have never met a woman who had a problem with that verse [about wifely submission] whose husband was loving her as Christ loves the church,” Catt said.

Catt challenged the men to do some homework during the upcoming football season by spending time hanging out with their wife at a local mall instead of watching the game.

“By the way, would you go home tonight and ask your wife a question: ‘Do I make you radiant?’” Catt said. “Jesus wants to radiate His life through the church. We ought to make our wives radiant, not have them rolling their eyes....”

AGAPE LOVE LASTS

Kendrick said men who learn to love God with all their heart, mind, soul and strength can bring that kind of power to their marital relationships.

Love is powerful and can cause a marriage to bloom as well, Kendrick said. Even imperfect people will feel valued and cared for when they are loved and given permission to fail.

“When you get married, give your wife a year off.... Love her and accept her,” Kendrick said. “And then, after that treat her every other year like the first year.”

Explaining the difference between agape, phileo and eros -- the New Testament Greek words for love -- Kendrick said true love often is confused with eros, which is a sexual, romantic type of love.

“Agape love is what God wants you to build as a foundation” of your marriage, Kendrick said. And you don’t “fall in” agape love. It’s purposeful and requires commitment. It’s also unconditional and doesn’t change depending on circumstances.

“God’s got a better way, and it’s with agape love,” he said.

Appealing to the crowd, Kendrick, who has appeared in all of the movies Sherwood has produced, mimicked popular love songs while his brother Alex accompanied him on the piano.

“I will always love you,” Stephen Kendrick crooned, noting that Whitney Houston’s marriage ended in divorce despite her song. He belted out, “Stand by your man,” adding that country music star Tammy Wynette left a confusing legacy with five marriages.

“True love doesn’t give up,” Kendrick said. “What God is calling us to do is impossible for us to do” without agape love.

Tim Mann, pastor of First Baptist Church in Daytona Beach, which hosted the conference where nearly 800 people represented more than 60 churches, said he believes the weekend had a great potential to impact couples for the long haul.

“As the family goes, so goes the culture. But as the family goes, so goes the church. And so goes the church, so goes the culture,” Mann said. “If the family is fractured and dysfunctional, it is not healthy, [and unhealthy churches can’t be] the salt and light we need to be in our culture.”

I want to begin with a story that I am sure will not happen at this wedding. It did, however, happen at a wedding that a friend of mine took.

The happy couple were posing for their photos outside the church after the service. They had all the usual groups in the pictures: bride and groom, bride and bridesmaids, groom and best man, happy couple with her family, happy couple with his family, bride and groom with his friends, bride and groom with her friends, happy couple with anyone else who didn’t fit any of the categories, and so on.

They went off to their wedding reception, and the photographer went away to work on what he had done. He then came to the evening reception, hoping to sell copies of his photos to the guests.

There was only one problem: behind the bride and groom in every photo was the church noticeboard. It prominently displayed a Bible verse: there, just for the happy couple, were the words of Jesus on the Cross: ‘Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they’re doing.’

Now I suspect you do know what you are doing, or as much as any couple on their wedding day can know. No-one knows for sure, because the future is full of surprises, some of them delightful, others we’d really rather not know about. But you have taken time to test your love and commitment to each other before making your promises today. You have taken your relationship seriously. My wife and I have noticed from a difference how you have matured as a couple, and today, as we celebrate love in the setting of Christian worship, I want us to pause for just a few minutes and think about love from a Christian perspective.

Here are three thoughts for you today:

Firstly, love is unconditional. Somebody once joked that the agenda of the bride on her wedding day is ‘aisle-altar-hymn’ (think about it!). ‘I’ll alter him’ may be necessary, but to go into love on the assumption that love is conditional upon someone changing is quite dangerous. Love becomes carrot and stick. Love becomes something that is policed by ‘good cop, bad cop’. Love eventually gives way to fear and distance.

But the love of God is not like that. There is a beautiful verse in the Bible which says, ‘We love, because he first loved us.’ God’s love for us is seen in him sending Jesus before we ever loved him. It’s unconditional love. He loved us before we responded to him.

And I suggest to you that this unconditional love is a healthy model for marriage. While it is right to long for your spouse to change, they are best loved into changing. If they know they are loved regardless, they will want to change. Make no mistake, it’s important to change over the years. If I still loved my wife the way I loved her on our wedding day many years ago, I don’t believe we would still be together. My love for her will always have to grow. And what brings that out the best is that the knowledge that she loves me unconditionally.

Secondly, love is forgiving. When I was a child, a slogan in an advert for a wildly popular film was this: ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry.’ Do any of the older people here recognise it? It was Love Story.

And wouldn’t it be great if love really were like that? Never having to say you’re sorry.

If only.

But for us frail human beings, love is rarely like that. Rather than ‘Love is never having to say you’re sorry’, I suggest ‘Love is saying you are sorry and hearing you are forgiven.’

Much as today we celebrate the enjoyable side of love with its chemicals and hormones, the fact is those things won’t make a marriage last. What will make a marriage last is the willingness to seek forgiveness, and to forgive. That’s why in the Bible reading Paul says that love ‘keeps no record of wrongs’ (verse 5). It’s easy to keep a record of wrongs. If you’re not careful, you keep a chart, a list, a running tally of all the times you’ve been hurt or offended. I encourage you not to do that. Forgive, because that’s what Jesus does.

I don’t know what the father of the bride is going to say later today, but at my sister’s wedding, when my Dad gave his ‘father of the bride’ speech, he gave one piece of advice to her and my brother-in-law. He had another Bible verse as a motto, the one had he and my Mum have kept close to their hearts: ‘Do not let the sun go down on your anger.’ I commend that to you. Find your ways of resolving your conflicts, forgiving each other – and of then enjoying the making up!

This all means that thirdly and finally, love is sacrificial. What does it mean to forgive? It means to set the other person free by absorbing pain into yourself that should rightly be theirs.

And thus love isn’t quite what we sometimes think it is. How many of you guests today turned up, expecting the bride and groom to say ‘I do’ to each other? But did you notice they didn’t say that? Only one person said ‘I do’ in the service: the father of the bride. At least he didn’t say, ‘Take her, please!’

The bride and groom didn’t say ‘I do’, they said, ‘I will.’ And that’s important. Because ‘I do’ is just in the present tense and it might change in the future. ‘I will’ is a promise for now and for the future. It also recognises that sometimes love will be an act of will rather than a feeling. Sometimes love will be the actions we do in spite of how we feel. Somebody once said, ‘It isn’t true that love will keep your marriage alive. Rather, marriage will keep your love alive.’ It is your commitment of will to keep those promises that will see through the dark tunnels and out into the light at the other end.

But that’s hard to do. And in truth I’ve told you a half-truth in reminding you that the bride and groom said ‘I will.’ What they actually said was, ‘With God’s help I will.’ God is available to help us keep those promises, promises that on occasion will hurt, promises that will mean we make sacrifices.

But the God who promises to help us at these times is one who knows how to show sacrificial love. This the God who forgives – and who does so from the arms of Jesus stretched wide in love on the Cross. Jesus knows sacrificial, forgiving, unconditional love. He has modeled it in dying for us. He is ready to help all those who call on him.

Take the words we read from 1 Corinthians again. Instead of ‘love’, substitute your own name. This is how it would sound for me:

David is patient, David is kind. He does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. He does not dishonour others, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs. David does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I feel rather sheepish reading that, because I am so very far from that picture of love.

But now take out your name or the word ‘love’ and substitute instead ‘Jesus’:

Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind. He does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. He does not dishonour others, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs. Jesus does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

That is the Jesus who is available to you this day and every day to make your love for one another and for others grow that will touch others with joy.

May God bless you both.

Matthew Henry wrote:

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam;

not made out of his head to rule over him,

nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him,

but out of his side to be equal with him,

under his arm to be protected,

and near his heart to be beloved.

________

Matthew Henry, Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible, Volume I (Genesis to Deuteronomy), Notes on Genesis 3:21–25.

Another version:

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam;

not made out of his head to rule over him,

nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him,

but out of his side to be equal with him,

under his arm to be protected by him,

and near his heart to be loved by him.

If you’ve paid any attention to the public discussion on the nature of marriage in the past few years, you’ve no doubt heard the call from some for the government to get out of the marriage business altogether and just leave it to religious folks.

This has caused many to ask two key questions:

1) Is marriage primarily a Christian institution?

2) Does the state have any real interest in marriage?

These are questions that all Christians should know how to answer and why. They address the very nature of what marriage is and does.

Is marriage primarily a Christian institution?

In a word, no.

Marriage is vitally important to Christians, given that our Bibles begin with a wedding in Genesis and end with a very different type of wedding in Revelation. And the primary narrative of God’s redemptive history through the Old Testament and into the New is Him seeking His faithless bride with full abandon. But marriage is a common-grace that God gives to all peoples. It transcends religion, law, culture, socio-political boundaries.

If marriage were primarily a Christian institution, you would find it only existing in times and places where Christianity has had influence. But this is not the case. Anthropologists tell it exists in some form everywhere we find people throughout history. And they are unable to establish any real starting point for it in human experience. From their measures, it just seems to have always been, as one leading scholar explains, “from primeval habit” -- almost as if it started with the first two humans! Like water is to the human body, marriage is to human culture. God created both water and marriage, and He made it so that they are essential to human thriving.

To say that marriage is primarily a religious institution is to miss appreciating what marriage has been in the long history of human experience. It is a human institution given to all peoples at all times by God’s design. At the same time, Christians have a great deal to say about what marriage is, what it represents in the divine sense, how we can make it work and how it should be cared for by couples, families and communities because of the important place it holds in our faith.

If marriage is not fundamentally a religious institution, does the state have a particular interest in certifying marriages?

It does because marriage serves an essential social function. Aristotle in his Politics explained that marriage creates the first essential and most fundamental human society. And from marriage stems the family. And from the nuclear nature of man, woman and children stems the extended family, from there, the village with many extended families together. From the village arises the town and from towns, the state.

No society anywhere has discovered a way to keep a cohesive, productive, safe, economically viable community without marriage. Marriage is a community’s most basic bonding agent, calling man and woman to commit to one another and their larger kin group. It calls them to work together to establish a common life and livelihood. It calls and compels them to monitor and govern each other’s behavior: sexually, economically, emotionally and publicly. And this is done by linking men and women into lifelong, exclusive and duty-bound domestic and sexual unions. No other social union does this.

The commitment that marriage requires changes who we are as people and our sense of duty to others. Cohabitation and friendships are not as likely to create this type of personal change.

So what interest does the state have? Consider the money a government spends on all types of social welfare support. The overwhelming majority stems from a marriage failing to form or falling apart after it’s formed. Sociologists tell us that people who are married are unlikely to live in persistent poverty. Cohabitors and single parents are much more likely to live in poverty. And poverty drives so many other serious social problems. Married adults are less likely to be in trouble with the law for violent or drug-related crimes compared with either single or cohabiting peers. Domestic violence for both adults and children is significantly reduced in homes where wedding rings are present. Children who grow up with married parents are dramatically more likely to be physically and psychologically healthy, do well in all measures of educational attainment, graduate from college, and become gainfully employed. These are the kind of citizens of whom every state needs more.

Married adults and their children are less of a drain on a state’s social services and welfare rolls, sometimes by half to three-quarters. Married men and women earn and save more money than their single or cohabiting peers. They are therefore able to pay more taxes into state coffers and produce more goods for the community.

If you are the governor of a state or the president of a nation -- and you know the social research -- you will have a deeply pragmatic interest in marriage. It helps boost nearly all of the good things your state needs to thrive. And it costs you nothing. The government has an interest in both marriage and babies not because it is sentimental about blushing brides and beautiful new bouncing babies.

Marriage and married parenthood provides the productivity and stability every community needs. And babies raised by stable, married moms and dads become the tax-payers, inventors, health-care providers, educators, industry leaders, problem-solvers and community leaders that every society needs. This is exactly why all cultures, regardless of their politics, religion, economy or beliefs find they cannot do without marriage.

Marriage is, among many things, society’s most fundamental intrinsic and pragmatic social good.

Premarital Counseling part 1: Questions that need answers

This is the first in a five-part series by retired pastor and director of missions Wade Paris to assist pastors in helping couples begin Christian marriages. They might also help couples who marry without the benefit of premarital counseling.

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Healthy premarital counseling begins with basic questions asked with the potential bride and groom both present to hear each other’s responses.

Such questions will stimulate conversation and help present the case for a Christian marriage. Some are delicate and must be approached with tact. The order of the questions may be adjusted:

1. Are you living together? Are you pregnant?

It may seem blunt to begin with these questions, but the pastor/counselor needs to know. If the answer is yes to either question, it alters the counseling. If two people are marrying only because the woman is pregnant, the pastor may suggest their situation is not the best motivation for marriage and discuss other options.

Some pastors will not marry couples who are living together. Some churches will not allow such persons to be married in their facilities. To refuse marriage for this reason makes a statement for righteousness.

However, some pastors and churches allow such marriages, believing, “Couples who live together should marry. This is an opportunity to minister and help a couple begin a good marriage.” In such instances, the pastor/church can affirm, “We do not approve of your lifestyle, but neither do we condemn you.”

2. Are you Christians? Have you given your lives to Jesus? Is He Lord of your lives?

Christian marriage is more than just marriage. In a Christian marriage the couple desires to know and do God’s will in all things.

3. Do you believe God brought you together? Do you believe you have His blessings to marry?

Couples can marry without God’s permission, but marriages ordained in heaven are more likely to succeed than marriages just made on earth.

4. Are you committed to this marriage until death?

If either party enters marriage thinking, “If this doesn’t work, I can always get out of it,” then the chances of success are reduced. If both enter marriage believing, “God has brought us together, and with His help we can overcome any problems,” success is much more likely.

5. Are you active in church?

Faithfulness to church and worship will help keep the couple closer to God. The closer both are to God, who is love, the closer they will be to one another and the more able they will be to love one another.

Marriage is like a triangle with the husband and wife at the bottom points of the triangle and God at the top. As both move up the triangle towards God, they will be closer to one another.

In church, couples are more likely to make friends who have a common interest in their marital success. They can cultivate friends who will help their marriage, not harm it. Church may not be the only place to do this, but it beats most other places.

6. Have you been married before? If so, is that over? Is your divorce final? Have you discussed this together? If that marriage did not work, what makes you think this marriage will be okay? What are you doing to make sure you will not repeat the same mistakes?

7. Have you ever been sexually active with others?

When couples have been sexually active prior to their marriage, they owe it to each other to have a medical exam to discover any health concerns. If a couple truly loves one another, they should want to do this. If one’s fiancée is reluctant to do so, the other should want to know why.

There will be other questions that are peculiar to specific couples. However, these basic questions will help the pastor/counselor begin premarital counseling.

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Premarital Counseling part 2: Four myths of marriage

There are many marital myths. One cannot know or deal with them all, but here are a few that seem universal. The pastor/counselor will want to go over these with the couple and perhaps add others.

Myth One: Marriage is 50/50.

This myth implies that each will get his or her way at least half of the time. It suggests that each partner is expected to meet the other only halfway.

If the 50/50 rule is correct, then what should wives or husbands do if they think their spouse is not holding up his/ her half? Should they leave? Is this grounds for separation? Who is the judge in these situations, i.e., who is to say when one is doing more than the other?

The truth is, marriage is 100/100. A person should enter into marriage thinking, “I will give everything I can as often as is needed to make sure my marriage is good.”

Human nature being what it is, there are times when a partner will stumble and be unable to carry his/her end of the load. In good marriages, sometimes the husband is the supportive one because the wife has need. At other times, the wife will be the supportive one, and the husband will need extra support.

Unfortunately, the arrangement of one strong spouse and one weak spouse is sometimes a permanent arrangement. If that is the case, then a 50/50 deal will not be adequate to sustain one’s marriage vows. Again, couples should enter marriage saying, “I will give all I possibly can, not just to make this marriage work, but to make it good. If I must be the strong one always, then I will do it.”

Myth Two: Passion is love, and love is passion.

Either way you say it, it is still a myth. Passionate young couples with hormones raging can be absolutely sure they are in love. But passion passes quickly, while marriage hopefully goes on and on. In his book “A Road Less Traveled,” Scott Peck defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing ... another’s spiritual growth” (p.81).

Translated, that means couples that love one another do all they can to help their spouses grow into the people God created them to be. That definition fits the 100/100 concept.

Myth Three: Love is a cure-all.

The problem with this myth is it is half true. The Bible is correct when it says, “Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8). True love never fails. But true love must be reciprocal in marriage. However, passion or even genuine love does not pay the bills.

Couples should decide before they are married how they will earn a living. To say, “We are in love; we will find a way,” but have no plan is irresponsible. It may very well mean someone else will need to support them. This will be discussed more completely in a section called “Marriage and Money.”

A young lady married a mean, selfish man. She assumed their love, i.e., their passion, would take care of it all. When her mean, selfish husband was mean to their children, she finally sought help.

Myth Four: I can change him/her after we are married.

The truth is that sweethearts and/or fiancées can do more to change one another than husbands or wives. A wise old pastor put it bluntly when he said, “Once you are married, you lose all of your bargaining power.”

Furthermore, experience teaches us that when one spouse “remakes” the other, they each tend to lose respect for the other.

A man or woman must be sure he/she wants to marry the person “as is.” The chances of remaking that partner after a couple is married are slim.

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Premarital Counseling part 3: Marriage and money

In their marriage vows, brides and grooms often commit themselves to one another “for richer or poorer.” Yet even couples hopelessly in love must face the cost of living. The pastor/counselor should do his best to prepare them for it.

The wedding cost. A television newscast reported that the average American wedding costs $50,000. The commentators noted that it is common for a bride and her family to want a larger, more expensive (at least in appearance) wedding than her friends. The pastor/counselor can point out that the size and cost of a wedding does not ensure marital bliss. Furthermore, weddings do not have to be large or expensive to be beautiful.

Even when couples have large families and many friends, the cost can be contained without harming the beauty of the event. To spend more money than one can easily afford or to go far into debt for a wedding is simply poor stewardship.

The honeymoon. Honeymoons are important, but they need not be exotic or expensive. What is important is that the couple has a few post-wedding days away from family and friends in a place they both can enjoy. It may sound impressive to say, “We had the largest wedding ever and honeymooned in Hawaii.” But if those items put the couple or their families in a financial bind for years to come, that is not a wise use of resources.

The debt trap. For many people, debt is a way of life. It is easy for couples who need and want many things to create an indebtedness that will take years to undo. Such a beginning often leads to an indebted way of life that some never escape. Newlyweds commonly receive multiple credit card offers. Beware. It is easier to say, “We will pay them off each month,” than it is to actually do so.

Less can be more. Learning to do without and struggling together can build great marital bonds. Couples celebrating many happy years together often recite their hardships. They relate these with solemn joy, for those are the times that built their relationship and bonded them together.

Money — His/Hers/Ours. In today’s society, both husband and wife often work. If possible, they should learn to live on one salary and save the other. Prior to marriage, each person has been handling his/her own finances. When they marry, they need to decide whether to continue that arrangement or consolidate their finances.

Prenuptial agreements are in vogue today. Young couples in first marriages will not likely need such agreements. For couples previously married with children, such agreements may be wise. These couples should consult a Christian attorney for advice.

It may take newlyweds some time to develop a financial system that works for them, but here are some good rules:

1. Make a realistic budget and stick with it. If a couple cannot make ends meet on paper, they will not be able to make ends meet in reality. The rule a couple cannot break is, “You cannot spend more than you bring home.”

2. As much as possible, avoid debt. That may mean doing without or delaying a purchase. Often when couples marry they each have debt — car notes, credit cards, school debts, etc. Work out a plan to pay those off as quickly as possible, beginning with the one aquiring the most interest.

3. Attend a financial management seminar. Many books describe how to manage finances and stay out of debt.

4. If you own a computer, purchase a good financial management program and use it. Do not go in debt to buy a computer. Poor financial management wreaks havoc on the home. Couples seem to fight over money more than anything else. Handle money well to avoid fighting over it. The old cliché says, “If your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep will be your downfall.”

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Premarital Counseling part 4: Marriage and sex

“For this reason (marriage) a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5).

Sexual integrity. Sex is one of God’s good creations. Practiced within God’s parameters, sex brings great joy. Mankind often uses sex with selfish abandon. This abuse brings righteous condemnation from the Christian community. Such condemnation sometimes causes people to feel all sex is a sin. Not so.

The ideal Christian standard for sexual conduct is for one man and one woman to marry as sexual virgins and never have sex with anyone else as long as they both live. In reality, not all couples come to the marriage altar with such innocence. Nevertheless, for Christians, the marriage vows regarding faithfulness are sacred. A husband and wife should only have sex with each other.

Sexual intimacy. Part of God’s sacred plan for sex is intimacy. In sexual intercourse, loving, married couples declare, “I give you all of myself. I withhold nothing.” The biblical word for sexual intercourse means “to know.” In marriage, couples assert, “No one knows me like I let you know me.” Sexual intimacy blesses the couple and their family today and for generations to come.

The twofold purpose of sex — pleasure and procreation. Part of God’s plan for sex is procreation. This is how a species continues. However, for humans, it appears God gave sex more for pleasure than for procreation. There are several anatomical observations that support such a position.

For the lower members of the animal kingdom, sex is totally for procreation. In the lesser animals, there is no sex except during the female ovulation cycle when she will become pregnant. For humans, the woman may become pregnant only on a few days of her cycle, but sex is possible and desirable anytime.

Among humans, sex is possible and desirable long after a woman’s child-bearing years. Among other creatures, there is no sex when the female can no longer bear young.

Of all God’s creatures, only humans have sex face to face. This means that for mankind sex is an intimate act of love, a face-to-face encounter, not just an act of procreation. Since God created us, i.e., formed us, anatomically, these observations seem to confirm sex for humans is more for love and pleasure than for procreation.

Talking about sex in marriage. Communication is essential to good relationships. Couples often have difficulty speaking of their deepest needs. This is especially true in the marriage bed.

Newlyweds must learn to talk with each other. Unfortunately, many couples talk only when they are fed up. It’s called “gunnysacking.” They put their troubles in a sack until they can’t take it anymore, then they explode.

It is easy to get so involved in good things like work, children, finances, etc., that no time is left for talking. Couples need an atmosphere where they can say what is on their hearts without fear of reprisal. Couples who learn to talk may sometimes have “thunder and lightning,” but the end result will be worth the effort. Here are some helpful rules for talking:

1. Stay on the subject.

2. Never fight to kill. Do not make wounds that will not heal.

3. Do your best to solve your problems before bedtime. Settle your disagreements as quickly as possible. “Let not the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26).

4. Always speak the truth with loving-kindness (Ephesians 4:15).

5. Never use sex as a weapon.

These words regarding communication are spoken in the context of sex and marriage. They are intensely applicable here. However, communication principles are important to all of the marriage relationship.

Learn to talk!

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Premarital Counseling part 5: Learning to love your in-laws

When couples marry, they create a new household, a new family, and that family should take priority over all others.

This being the case, people sometimes say, “I am not marrying his/her family.” This is true, but they are marrying “into” a family, and their life will be intricately entwined with that family for as long as they all live.

Relationships with one’s in-laws can be a big problem, but it can also be a tremendous blessing. Here are some observations and suggestions for making these relationships a blessing.

As much as you possibly can, love and accept your spouse’s family as your own.

This may be difficult, especially for those who come from close, loving families. But with a little effort, it can be done. This advice is key: “To the degree that you can love and accept your spouse’s family, to that degree you will enrich your own marriage.”

Many parents feel that no husband or wife is good enough for their child. It is easy to resent that and respond negatively. It is best for a person to accept this as a common parental shortcoming and be the very best husband or wife possible.

Always be on your best behavior around your in-laws.

Never embarrass your spouse in the presence of his/her family. Embarrassing a spouse in front of his/her family seriously strains a marriage and is demeaning to all.

Do not make your mate choose between you and his/her family.

Even if he/she chooses the spouse, barriers will be built that are hard to remove.

Sometimes, the problems with in-laws are really in-laws “once removed.”

For example, a wife may get along very well with her husband’s brother, but his brother’s wife could be a problem. A wise person will understand this difference and make allowances for it.

Keep communication open and discuss your in-law concerns privately with your husband or wife.

The following true accounts illustrate the best and worst of in-law relationships:

• Husband One had a poor relationship with his own parents. He quickly became jealous of his wife’s relationship with her parents. At first he simply made fun of her and her family. Then he tried to keep her from having any contact with them. Finally, he demanded that she not see them ever again.

It is an extreme story. Obviously, the husband needed help. At the request of his wife, the couple talked with their pastor, but the husband totally refused the pastor’s counsel. Several years and two children later, they divorced.

• Husband Two was something of a loner. Following the wedding, he refused to visit or communicate with his wife’s family. After several years of this stubbornness, the wife retaliated by refusing to have anything to do with his family.

Each would visit and talk with his/her own family, but not the spouse’s family. They remained married, but there was a big hole in their marriage. An opportunity for blessings was missed.

• Husband Three came from a loving family, as did his wife. He quickly learned to love and accept his in-laws, even calling them Mom and Pap.

Many years later the husband’s parents had both passed away, and his wife’s parents became his only parents. The relationship they had forged was a blessing to all — parents, children, grandchildren.

In conclusion, a couple would do well to recall the advice near the beginning of this article: “To the degree that you can love and accept your spouse’s family, to that degree you will enrich your own marriage.”

[It is often reported that Christian couples have the same divorce rate as non-Christians. (For example, see .) The truth is that the commitment level of the Christians makes all the difference.]

"The Couple that Prays Together," by Dr. David Stoop, Marriage and Family Matters, August 6, 2012.

I want to report the results of a fascinating research project led by Christopher Ellison at the University of Texas, San Antonio. and reported in the “Journal of Marriage and Family.” But first, I want to look back to the late l980’s when the Gallup people did a similar study on how personal faith impacted marital satisfaction. The results of that study were reported in a book written by a priest named Andrew Greeley. It was titled, Faithful Attraction.

One of the outcomes of that study led to the National Association of Marriage Enhancement, in Phoenix, Arizona (www.nameonline.net) to report that when couples prayed together on a daily basis, less than 1% of those couples would end up getting a divorce. The numbers were 1 out of 1156. Pretty amazing when the divorce rate in the general population is reportedly around 50%.

Now there is this new study that goes even further than just looking at couples praying together. Ellison and his associates included race and ethnicity as factors, and focused on working-age adults. And they looked at four things: 1.) The effect of a couple belonging to the same denomination; 2.) Their attending religious services together; 3.) Shared beliefs and values; and 4.) What they did at home in the way of worship activities.

The study looked at 1387 couples with an over representation of ethnic minorities. The results were stated in terms of marital satisfaction. Some of their findings were to be expected. Those couples who shared the same faith, and who regularly attended church services together, reported a higher level of marital satisfaction. Those who were involved in activities at the church also reported an even higher level of marital satisfaction.

The most interesting finding to me was that when couples shared religious practices at home, which included reading the Bible together and praying together, the level of marital satisfaction was even significantly higher. Those shared behaviors in the home had a strong impact on how satisfied each was with their marriage. The strength of those statistics on shared religious practices were strong enough that the researchers also believed that if couples would share these practices in their home, those behaviors could be seen as predictors of a strong marriage, and obviously a higher degree of marital satisfaction.

Unfortunately, not very many Christian couples read the Bible together or pray together. The number I’ve heard is that only about 4% of Christian couples pray together on a daily basis. The reason might be related to the fact that not many Pastoral couples pray together daily. Their percentage is only about 6%. But the important take-away from both this study, and the Gallup study, is that if you want to strengthen your marriage and even “divorce-proof” your marriage – develop a consistent pattern of reading the Bible together and praying together in your home.

Ready to begin?

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“Pastors: That Divorce Rate Stat You Quoted Was Probably Wrong," by Ed Stetzer, September 27, 2012.

Since I have written quite extensively about the abuse of stats by evangelicals and the media in the past, it was refreshing to see a recent article at the Gospel Coalition show some new data that corrects some erroneous divorce rate statistics which seem to get thrown around the Internet, in the media, and, unfortunately, in the pulpit. The stat in question was that Christians divorce at roughly the same rate as the world.

But what did the actual research show -- particularly when research practicing Christians?

People who seriously practice a traditional religious faith -- whether Christian or other -- have a divorce rate markedly lower than the general population.

The factor making the most difference is religious commitment and practice.

What appears intuitive is true. Couples who regularly practice any combination of serious religious behaviors and attitudes---attend church nearly every week, read their bibles and spiritual materials regularly; pray privately and together; generally take their faith seriously, living not as perfect disciples, but serious disciples---enjoy significantly lower divorce rates than mere church members, the general public, and unbelievers.

The article draws from research found in Christians Are Hate-Filled Hypocrites... and Other Lies You’ve Been Told, the 2010 book by Bradley Wright (and for which I wrote the foreword), as well as an article by W. Bradford Wilcox and Elizabeth Williamson in American Religions and the Family.

Specifically, the research shows that couples who are active in their faith are much less likely to divorce. Catholic couples were 31% less likely to divorce; Protestant couples 35% less likely; and Jewish couples 97% less likely, which in itself is quite impressive, I must say.

So what does this mean for you, for me, and for our churches? I see three takeaways: There will unfortunately still be divorce; discipleship is an integral part of marriage; and we must be careful when quoting statistics.

Divorce Isn’t Going Away

This is an unfortunate reality, but a reality nonetheless. I, like many of you, am a child of divorced parents (as is Donna, my wife). My children have had friends whose parents have divorced. I’ve had friends in the ministry who have divorced. And while we sometimes have a tendency to think of it as just another part of our culture, it should break our hearts to see marriages end.

Erwin Lutzer correctly stated “in marriage, the goal is holiness, not happiness.” Marriage was intended to be a God-ordained commitment between one husband and one wife for one lifetime as one flesh. Sin has broken that, and we see those effects all around us. However, we have the Power in us to overcome. Christ is faithful to hold marriages together when they are centered on Him and His redemptive work on the cross. If our marriage is focused on holiness, happiness will inevitably follow. I’ve never met a couple who has divorced because they were pursuing God too much.

Discipleship Is Integral to a Healthy Marriage

Our spiritual growth affects everything about us. To build on the previous point, holiness does not just happen. Sanctification and holiness are the products of work. Marriage is like a muscle. It does not become stronger unless it is exercised.

This is partly on my mind because of my Sunday message at Grace Church -- I’ll be preaching on adultery and divorce the next two weeks as we work through the Sermon on the Mount. Divorce is a scourge and part of the answer is well-discipled Christians.

Be Careful When Quoting Stats

Christians aren’t the only group to be misrepresented. Parents of special needs children are victims of this as well. But as pastors who are charged with proclaiming Truth (with a big T), we must also commit to proclaiming truth (with a little t). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a speaker or pastor misquote a stat or tell a story that was actually not true. For that matter, I’ve done it myself at times -- but that does not mean we cannot all do better.

I’ve been in the audience or backstage at conferences when a stat that came out of my office was quoted incorrectly by another speaker. And as for your little stories, Snopes.com exists for a reason, pastors. Please, I beg of you, use it. Stories and stats may help you make your point, but please research, confirm, and cite them.

One reason this is so important in this area is that when we say things like “the divorce rate for Christian couples and non-Christian couples is the same,” we give the impression that Christ makes no difference in our lives and in our marriages. That is offensive to the work of the Spirit in us and simply not true. We must not give Satan a foothold in our marriage, and bad stats can do just that.

So, do couples who say they are “Christians” divorce often? Sure. Almost 8 of 10 Americans say they are Christians and they, well, look like the other 2 out of 10 who don’t claim to be Christians. But, when a pastor says, “Christians and non-Christians divorce at the same rate,” that is not what they people hear. If you are a pastor, they think that you should know what a Christian is, and that you must be saying that Christians (people who follow Christ) divorce at the same rate as the rest -- and that’s not true.

Marriage is a gift from God. One for which I am extremely grateful. So, pastors, please don’t undermine it with inaccurate stats or misleading citations of those stats.

Even people in the best relationships have arguments. But mathematicians have found that the way you argue can reveal your chances of success as a couple.

Over a number of years, psychologist John Gottman recorded hundreds of married couples in conversation with each other, asking them to discuss the most contentious issue in their relationship. Gottman’s team came up with a way to measure, quantify and record everything that transpired - their blood pressure, their skin conductivity and their heart rate, as well as the sentiment of what was actually said. With just these few measurements, the team could predict whether or not a particular couple was likely to get divorced with up to 90% accuracy.

They found that couples in a good relationship held a deep-seated positive view of one another and the language they used in their arguments reflected that. They would dismiss negative behavior as out of the ordinary: “She’s just tired,” or, “They’ve been really stressed at work recently.”

Couples in a relationship that was headed for break-up were the opposite. They held a negative belief and used bad behavior to reinforce this opinion. “You’re always like this,” or, “See! You’re so selfish.”

But the insights go beyond mere statistics. Because when Gottman teamed up with mathematician James Murray, they were able to translate their findings into a mathematical model. The model predicted that it’s the spirals of negativity you need to watch out for in a relationship, and particularly something called the “negativity threshold.” This is how negative one partner needs to be before provoking a strong reaction in the other.

I always thought that good relationships were about compromise and giving each other room to be yourself - so you might think it was the couples that could let things go (the ones with a high negativity threshold) that did well. But the team found that the exact opposite was true. It was the couples with the low negativity threshold that had the best chance of staying together in the long run - those who weren’t afraid to speak their minds. These couples continually resolve and repair small issues in their relationship, never letting small things build up to the point where they explode.

So communicate positively, openly and honestly. Who knew math could give you such a nice way to live?

When Mark Bagwell started Golden Corner Church in Walhalla, South Carolina, 22 years ago, he was shocked by the prevalence of domestic violence among the people he sought to reach.

“A huge number of the people I was counseling -- within just a short time of even the first meeting, I would start discovering that they had been abused,” Bagwell, now Golden Corner’s care pastor, told SBC LIFE. That reality “broke my heart and started bringing about a great passion” to confront the problem.

Consistent with Golden Corner’s vision of “loving God, loving people,” Bagwell educated himself about ministering to domestic violence victims. Today, along with other area ministers, he works in conjunction with a local women’s shelter to help abuse victims. He was quoted last year as an advocate for battered women in a Pulitzer Prize-winning series of articles on domestic violence by Charleston, South Carolina’s The Post and Courier.

Bagwell is among a growing coalition of Southern Baptists encouraging pastors to place more emphasis on combating domestic abuse -- a common but often overlooked problem within churches.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that more than one in three women (35.6 percent) and one in four men (28.5 percent) have “experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.”

Yet 42 percent of U.S. Protestant pastors “rarely” or “never” address domestic violence in their churches, according to a 2014 LifeWay Research study. Another 22 percent speak to the issue only about once per year. Among pastors who address domestic violence, 75 percent believe it is not a problem in their churches.

Does Scripture condone abuse?

The Post and Courier’s series claimed part of the Palmetto State’s domestic violence problem “is rooted in the culture of South Carolina, where men have long dominated the halls of power, setting an agenda that clings to tradition and conservative Christian tenets about the subservient role of women.” Commentators in an April 23 Baptist Press article took issue with the implication that traditional Christian beliefs contribute to domestic violence, and Bagwell identified a possible reason for the paper’s confusion.

While Bagwell has never heard a Christian leader suggest domestic violence is acceptable or that men should dominate women, he said abused women have told him their husbands misuse biblical commands regarding a wife’s submission to justify their abuse. Bagwell, 52, suspects such misuse of Scripture is a residual effect of men in previous generations “inside and outside the church who felt like their role [in marriage] was a domineering role.” Though such men generally did not condone violence, many believed they had a right “to discipline their wife verbally tremendously.”

John R. Rice, an independent Baptist writer and evangelist, may have expressed something of the sentiment Bagwell referenced -- though Rice also affirmed a husband’s responsibility to provide for and protect his wife. In his 1941 book “Bobbed Hair, Bossy Wives and Women Preachers,” Rice wrote, “God expects women to feel their duty to obey their husbands, good or bad, saved or unsaved. Nowhere in the Bible is a wife’s duty to her husband conditioned on the kind of character he has or the way he treats her.”

Despite errors of the past and misleading media accounts today, sociologists have noted marked happiness among families that strive to follow the biblical pattern of male servant leadership at home. A 1999 study by sociologists Bradford Wilcox and John Bartkowski identified what they labeled “the evangelical paradox”: Evangelical husbands and wives “act in ways that parallel or are in fact more progressive than other Americans” in their sharing of household duties and cooperative decision-making processes.

The only two differences between evangelical couples and other American married people, Wilcox and Bartkowski wrote, are “(1) that evangelicals are more likely to report that husbands take the ‘lead in spiritual matters,’ ... and (2) that evangelical men and women are more likely to report higher levels of marital satisfaction.” There is “no evidence that evangelical men are more likely to abuse their wives physically.”

Do’s and don’ts for pastors

Consistent with biblical teaching on marriage, Bagwell offered several do’s and don’ts for pastors regarding domestic violence. When both partners in an abusive relationship come to a minister seeking help, it’s best to pray for the couple, affirm their desire to break the cycle of violence, and send them to a trained professional, Bagwell said -- unless the pastor has training himself in handling domestic abuse.

“I’ve heard of too many situations where a pastor is trying his best to give biblical, sound counseling to someone,” Bagwell said. “But if that abuser is sitting in the same room with the one he or she abuses ... they’re going to dominate, even if it’s subtly,” and possibly seek to intimidate the abused spouse later.

Pastors should always have another person present -- preferably a woman -- when counseling an abused wife, Bagwell said. He urged pastors to do all they can to assure abused women of God’s love.

The staff of South Texas Children’s Home Ministries, a ministry partner of the Baptist General Convention of Texas, compiled for SBC LIFE a list of actions pastors can take to help both abused spouses and abusers. STCHM is part of the Baptist Coalition for Children and Families, a national advocacy group founded by Baptist-affiliated children’s homes across the nation. Among STCHM’s suggestions:

• Provide literature on domestic abuse to church leaders and victims. Literature for victims should be placed in the women’s restrooms, where abused wives can take it without their husbands seeing.

• Educate church leaders about signs of domestic abuse such as obvious physical bruising, a spouse who stays quiet in social circles, name calling and humiliation by one spouse, and a sense of control by one spouse over who the other sees and talks to. In some states, child protective services will provide free training on recognizing signs of domestic violence.

• Provide or refer abused persons to professional Christian counseling. Offer Bible studies on dealing with anger, low self-esteem, marital difficulties and parenting challenges.

• Make church members aware of community resources related to domestic violence.

Law enforcement authorities should be called regarding spousal abuse “when the problem is clearly outside the scope of the pastor to reasonably handle the interactions taking place,” said Darin Griffiths, an STCHM marriage and family therapist. Churches should, he added, develop support networks for people at risk of becoming abusers so their actions do not escalate to criminal offenses.

All instances of suspected child abuse should be reported to law enforcement immediately.

“A spiritual warfare”

Another important aspect of ministering amid domestic violence is addressing it from the pulpit, said Joanna Berry, STCHM vice president of family and international ministries.

“When clergy and church leaders are silent on the topic of domestic abuse, this can be interpreted as an attitude of indifference to family violence,” Berry said. “Victims may be encouraged to adopt the same attitude toward their own suffering,” leading to thoughts that “being hit is no big deal, and it’s not really worth mentioning.”

One pastor who takes seriously the charge to address domestic violence is Fernando Hernandez of IT’S A CHALLENGE, a congregation in Brownwood, Texas, that cooperates with the Southern Baptists of Texas Convention. After growing up in a violent home, Hernandez fell into a life of drugs and violence as a teenager. He began living with his future wife at age 17 and did not break the cycle of violence until he committed his life to Christ several years later.

Hernandez started IT’S A CHALLENGE in 1991 as a ministry to troubled families and established it as a church last year. Ministering for 25 years among families plagued by domestic violence has helped him identify common factors that contribute to spousal abuse.

A desire for vengeance after feeling humiliated, pent-up anger regarding a mother’s infidelity, and observing a violent father all increase a man’s chances of abusing his wife, Hernandez told SBC LIFE.

Many abusers “carry so much hate that they’re like walking time bombs,” Hernandez said. “ ... They’re blind to what they’re about to do because the Bible says hate puts darkness over them.”

Some abusers have medical or psychological problems and need pastors to connect them with healthcare professionals, Hernandez said. But many times the problem is spiritual. In such instances, a pastor should fast and pray about the root cause of a man’s violent behavior, he said.

Whether help comes through medical care, counseling, church ministries, or supernatural intervention, Hernandez said ultimate deliverance from violent behavior is a gift of God.

“This is a spiritual warfare,” Hernandez said.

________

David Roach is chief national correspondent for Baptist Press, the Southern Baptist Convention’s news service. This story first appeared in the summer 2015 issue of SBC LIFE.

We’ve all watched the culture change at warp speed. Christians are confronted with questions everywhere – from media, from skeptics, from friends and neighbors, even from our own children and grandchildren ... Too many Christians have no idea what to think, much less know what to say.

What would your answer be to one of the most common things we hear in our culture today: “Doesn’t Love Make a Family?”

“When someone says, ‘love makes a family,” what they typically mean is that when it comes to marriage or parenting, things like gender, marital status, and biological connections are less important than simply being loved.

It’s a nice sentiment. After all, many of our closest and most important relationships are with people we aren’t related to. But is it true about families?

Sociologists have been studying family structure for decades. They overwhelmingly agree that by far the best situation for children is being raised in a home with their married mother and father.

That means three things: Gender matters, biology matters, and marriage matters.

First, Gender matters. So different are the ways that men and women interact with children, that many sociologists say there’s no such thing as parenting. There are only mothering and fathering.

From the way they communicate, to the way they play, to how they discipline, men and women offer distinct and complementary benefits to children.

There are heroic single parents out there. They face major challenges because the other parent is gone. When one parent is missing, the father for example, children fall into almost-predictable negative patterns.

Fathering encourages independence, mothering encourages emotional security. Men don’t mother. Women don’t father. Kids need both.”

“When it comes to what’s best for children,” love matters, “but that’s not all that matters.”

Gender matters. Biology matters. Marriage matters.

________

Copyright (c) 2019 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BreakPoint" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

In "On This Day" by Carl D. Windsor, the page for Valentine's Day includes this anecdote:

Even the most devoted couple will experience a "stormy" bout once in a while. A grandmother, celebrating her golden anniversary, once told the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband's faults which for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she said.

A guest asked the woman what some of the faults she has chosen to overlook were. The grandmother replied, "To tell you the truth, my dear, I never got around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, Lucky for him that's one of the ten!"