I hope that someday soon you'll come to the tea my husband, Dave, and
I serve in the victorian-style house we built near the Cajon Pass in
Southern California. When you arrive, you will be welcome to browse.
Surely someone will notice the unusual frame around the photo of a
handsome young man with twinkling eyes, black hair and a dashing
mustache. The young man is my only child, Bill. The frame is a
Victorian-era mourning frame. The crosses carved into the wood are
appropriate because of Bill's faith; the anchors because he was in the
Navy. Bill died five years ago during Operation Desert Storm, when he
was 28 years old.
Bill and I were not only son and mother, we were best friends. Perhaps
because his father left us early on, we relied on each other a lot. We
also had fun. Bill had a sharp sense of humor, and I loved his jokes.
Sometimes he made me burst out laughing with just a look. He was also
protective of me. When I had trouble getting out of a snowy driveway
while we were living in Michigan, my little boy looked at me seriously
and vowed, "When I grow up, Mom, I'll get you snow tires."
Snow tires weren't necessary when we moved to California, where I
met and married a wonderful widower,
Dave Kincaid. Bill loved him, and
the three of us became a team. Life was suddenly the way I had always
dreameded it could be. My son had a brilliant mind and enjoyed
working withelectronics. The Navy provided him with the perfect
Bicareer. Although what he was doing was often top secret
A and he
could tell us little, he seemed to enjoy his work. Hewas based in San
Diego, two hours away, and many times the phone rang at our home in
Apple Valley, with Bill say
I he
ing, "Mom, it's me. I'm coming home on leave, and bringing a buddy!"
That same afternoon, he would stick his head into my vintage-clothing
store. Mom. This is my friend Joe. We'll see you at home for supper!"
In the summer of 1990, he re-enlisted. The Persian Gulf conflict was
heating up. Bill spent the week before he left finishing all the
projects he had started around the house.
For some reason, he made
sure his papers were in order, and said a special good-bye to his
girlfriend. At midnight on the eve of his leaving, I found him still
working on a new electric-eye light over the garage. "Bill, don't
worry about it," I said. "You'll be back in no time." But he insisted
on installing it for me. He called every Sunday, and things always
sounded fine. So I thought nothing was strange that August Friday
when
I looked through the picture window as a van pulled
up in front of the
house. A repairman, probably, I thought.
The van doors opened and several men got out, Navy men: an officer, a
chaplain and an enlisted man in his dress whites~there's only one
reason that a configuration of Navy personnel comes to your house. I
panicked. I started pacing up and down the hallway, shouting, "Oh, no!
No, no!" Dave wasn't home; I felt so alone.
The doorbell rang. Still I.paced, somehow thinking that answer, it
wouldn't be true. Then I heard the knocks, I knew I had to go. I
opened door and said to the solemn-faced officer, "Don't you me what
you're going to tell me!" 'I'm sorry, ma'am," he replied, "I have
to."
Bill was dead. My only son was gone. As an officer was telling me what
details he could, a strange thing happened. I felt a warm pressure,
like someone laying a hand on my shoulder. And from behind me, I heard
the words, "He's all right". An unexpected calm descended and carried
me through the next few days and the funeral.
There comes a time after a personal tragedy that's especially hard:
After all the fuss, everyone else's life goes back to normal, yet
yours remains shattered. The devastating news of my son's death kept
coming back to me in different ways, each one as if I were hearing it
for the first time. As brilliant as Bill was, he had an absent-minded
habit of losing his sunglasses. When the Navy returned his personal
effects-a shiny new pair of sunglasses on top-I wanted to scream. Now
I had Bill's sunglasses, but I didn't have Bill.
I closed my store in Apple Valley. I put my antiques and clothing
collection into storage. Time stretched on unbearably. Even my husband
could not comfort me. Nothing mattered anymore.
One day I decided to take a drive, just to get out. "Use the Nissan,"
Dave said. "I had new tires put on." I got in the car and took off
alone. As I drove, I turned to God in anguish, "V\'hy?' I asked. "What
plan of yours is so important that you had to take my only child?" I
wondered if God cared that my heart was broken, my life in ruins.
Then, as I approached the Cajon Pass, there was a loud pop. One of the
tires had blown.
I managed to steer the car off the road. Traffic WL heavy; I was lucky
I hadn't caused an accident. I went a call box and asked the operator
to contact my husband. Then I walked back to the car for a long wait.
One thought was in my mind; If Bill were here, he would help me. If
Bill were here . . . I started to cry.
"Excuse me!" I heard a voice say and I wiped away my tears. Across a
barbed-wire fence was a wide-open bumpy field. There sat a small car,
and in front of it a young man waved at me. He looked a lot like Bill.
"Can I help you?" he asked as he hopped the fence easily. "I didn't
want to startle you."
I looked at his car strangely placed in the field. Why hadn't I
noticed it before?
"You need help," he said, inspecting the blown tire. "Let me take care
of this."
"Where are you from?" I asked.
"Around here."
"I could have sworn I knew everyone." Especially someone who reminds
me so much of Bill, I thought.
The young man took the lug nuts off the tire and removed it. "I'm
going to have to get this patched," he said. "There's a garage over
the hill. It won't take long."
He put his sunglasses on the hood next to me. "So you know I'll be
back." He winked and hopped across the fence to his car. As he drove
into the distance, I wondered how his small car could handle the rough
field.
Before long, he was back. "You sure can hop a fence," I said. He
flashed a big smile, and as he put on the patched tire, we talked. I
wound up telling him about Bill's death, and how hard it was to get
through.
"Yeah, I know," he said gently, "It's rough."
The young man finished tightening the nuts, looked up at me, and said
with authority, "Remember, your son is fine." Instantly I was bathed
with the same sort of peace as the time I had felt the hand on my
shoulder and heard
the whispered words, "He's all right." I felt as though I had been
given a gift.
When Dave arrived, I introduced the two men. They shook hands, then
Dave gave me a bear hug. For a split second I buried my face in his
neck. We both turned to wave good-bye to the young man. But, to our
amazement we found he wasn't on either side of the fence. There was no
car in the field.
Dave and I looked into each other's eyes, both of us trying to take in
what had happened. "Bill's okay," I said, breaking our silence. "He's
in Heaven, and he's fine."
Neither of us had any doubt who the mysterious young man was. When we
returned to the dealership where Dave had bought the tires, the
manager shook his head in confusion. "There's no reason this tire
should have
blown," he said. "I don't get it." We did.
The heavenly reassurance didn't take away the ache of not having Bill
here on earth, but the sense of peace, of being loved and cared for,
stayed with me. I realized I had to make a conscious decision to get
past my grief and go
on with life. And I knew which choice God, and Bill, would want me to
make.
Shortly thereafter, Dave and I bought property near the Cajon Pass
and built our house, along with a workshop for the hats I make, and a
small "museum" for the antiques
and vintage clothing we can't fit in
the house. And I began giving teas, for a dozen or so people at a
time. I dress in Victorian clothing, with a neat Gibson girl hairdo,
to entertain my guests. It's fun to follow the customs as if we're
actually having tea one hundred years ago.
When my guests ask about Bill, I tell my story. I'll never forget one
young woman who came with her mother. They made it clear that they had
come only to see the antiques; they sat off by themselves. But as I
was explaining about the mourning frame, I saw the young woman,
Maureen, listening intently. About a month later, a beautiful woman
called out to me when I was downtown. "Hello, Mrs. Kincaid!" she said.
"Do you remember me?"
"Maureen?" I asked, incredulous.
"I have to thank you," she said, "and explain. Not long before the
tea, my fiancee died. I thought I would never accept it. But when I
considered what you said-that we have to make a conscious decision-I
realized that if you could do it, I could too!"
God had sent his angel not only to show me he cared, but so I could,
in turn show others I understood, and cared. That seems to be the
angel's message: God loves you. Pass it on.
Chicken Soup for the
Christian Soul