03.02. First Year After Conversion
Chapter 2 The First Year after Conversion "What shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits toward me?"
Neither strangers nor friends could fail to notice something sombre in his character in his early days. But after his conversion, this shade no longer hung on his brow. One who knew him well remarked, “It was the love of Jesus which first put that smile on his face which never left it.” For a time, even after his bark was safely in the haven, he had the heavings, if not the tossings, of the tempest that chased him into his refuge; but certain it is, that from the day he was able to say, “I know whom I have believed,” his was a joyous countenance, so much so, that you might have pointed to him as a most obvious illustration of the apostolic injunction, “Rejoice in the Lord always.” The glory of God in the face of Jesus shed gladness through his heart, a gladness that his companions often took notice of, and which they felt to be infectious.
We saw one of his characteristics, viz., prayerfulness, beginning to shew itself on the very night of his conversion. It was not long ere another distinctive trait appeared, viz, the desire to be of use to others. With him it was first liberty, then service; the work not of the hireling seeking to purchase freedom, but of the son serving the father whom he loved. Perhaps his early zeal approached the borders of censoriousness; his light flung out sparks, but soon it burnt upward with a calm, steady flame.
We left him at the Communion Table. See him now rising from it to go forth and work for his Lord. The question of personal acceptance had been first settled, and now there followed the grateful acknowledgment of the accepted soul in the full surrender of all his life to the service of the Redeemer. One met him coming from the communion table and asked, “Were you happy ?” “So happy that I fear to trust it. What a salvation! Shall not life be spent in proclaiming it ?” This utterance of his soul in that hour of bliss was embodied in action during all his after days. We may fancy him singing with Toplady, “Loved of my God, for him again With love intense I burn !”
Immediately after we find him noting down, in the review of his past life, “I have already lived two years and 208 days of Sabbaths !” Then follow the two first entries in his journal, which present to us the traits of his spiritual character, that all along so distinctly marked him out from most others, viz., prayerfulness, and labour for souls. Thus he writes :—
“May 6.—I wish that more progress were visible; but it is in truth a pure impossibility for man, in his own strength, to begin or to maintain a walk with God. My evil passions and wicked heart are continually interfering and leading me off, almost before I am aware of it. it is only by a continual renewing of my covenant with Christ, trusting everything to Him and nothing to myself, that I can ever expect to walk as I ought; and from this must follow a most rigid watching over my heart and conduct to others. PRAY WITHOUT CEASING.”
These words are found written in the original Greek, “Adialeiptos proseuchesthe,” on a slip of paper that lay in his desk and the initial letters “a.p.” may be tracked throughout his notebooks.
“O Lord, give me a more earnest prayerful spirit for my dear unconverted friends. If I would but think seriously of their condition, that each of them is continually fighting against his Lord, inflicting new wounds on Jesus’s breast, and yet it is the very hand which they are wounding that prevents them dropping into everlasting misery! How can I rest one moment while I do assuredly know that such is the case. O Lord Jesus, shew but Thy face to them, shew them their terrible, awful condition and certain doom, if they remain indifferent, shew them but a spark of Thy incomprehensible love, and O then how they will be changed! Thou holdest every man’s heart in Thy hand, O Lord; if it be Thy will, change their hearts. Would it not be for Thy everlasting glory? Will they not have longer to praise and glorify Thee? O Lord, give me no rest till I have done all that man can do. Let me be often pouring forth earnest supplications for them. And surely I cannot doubt but that Thou wilt be graciously pleased to answer: ‘for this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask any thing according to His will, He heareth us.” And now, having found “the joy of salvation,” he can say, “I will teach transgressors thy ways, and sinners shall be converted unto thee” (Psalms 51:13). For his faith was aggressive; he did not content himself with “sitting under his vine and fig-tree,” but (as Israel shall do in the day of their return), he also “called his neighbour” to enjoy the same refreshing fruit and shade (Zechariah 3:10).
“Monday, May 26.—I have been trying to speak to several persons about their eternal state, but see well that it is only by God speaking through me that it can be of the smallest benefit to their souls.” At the same time, he in no way relaxes his vigilance over his own soul. My father presented me with a Bible, which I hope will incite me to greater diligence in searching the Scriptures. I have to grieve over the continual changes in my religious feelings and affections, At times Jesus enables me to feel supremely happy in Him, while often a few hours after I seem to have everything to begin again, and from some evil imagination of my heart, I feel as it were estranged from Jesus. This must be meant to teach me that I must be ever looking to Him, incessantly watching and praying, never withdrawing my hand from a firm hold of His merciful, His gracious arm. This constant vagrant disposition of my mind shews truly what the natural heart is. It is made of carnality, which is enmity against God, and is therefore ever making efforts to draw away from God. This truth is what, I believe, every one who is Christ’s will be taught, and will have it graven upon his heart, as with a pen of iron and the point of a diamond. O Lord, change my nature from that of a sinful man to that of the meek and lowly Jesus! Thou must work the change; look at thine own Son Jesus, and do Thou it for His sake.”
Another effort follows.
“June 6.—I have taken up a class for young men and was pleased to see four at our meeting. Resolved, in God’s strength and with His help, always if possible to engage alone in prayer before commencing to read, teach, or pray with any one, on these all important subjects.”
Just at this period, the Life of Harlan Page, which his mother put into his hands, attracted his special attention. In reading it, he was very greatly impressed; his hopes of being used by God in saving souls received a great impulse. At the same time, he noted carefully that Harlan Page was not blessed without earnestly praying for it, being instant in prayer for unconverted friends, as well as taking opportunity to write to them and speak with them; availing himself also, of openings that occurred for prayer meetings and classes. On laying down the book, a book to which he often resorted, this was his prayer :—
“Lord, who holdest the hearts of all men in Thy right hand, do Thou be pleased to make me, by Thy grace, a means of bringing poor, careless, and dying sinners to the Rock of Ages, and make me indefatigable in labouring for their conversion; prevent my heart from becoming cold in this work, and my zeal from flagging, for it is Thy work and not mine.” Soon after, his soul rejoices in his work begun.
“June 10.—Thanks be to God, for I think He has enabled me to feel as a hired servant, as a servant bought with a price, and staying all upon Him, to await His shewing me the path by following which I may be enabled to do most to His glory.” The thought of unsaved souls hangs heavy on his mind.
“June 12.—O Lord, give me such thoughts of the awful condition of unconverted sinners, that I may not cease from continually warning them of their imminent danger, that they may flee from the wrath to come. How awful to think that the spirits of any of those within my reach should rise up in judgment against me, and say that I had not told them the truth. Some to whom I have spoken seem to be anxious, and particularly some of the cottars. May this be but the beginning of the falling of a dew from heaven.” And now we have his statement of his experience in regard to the healthful influence, upon his own soul, of all efforts made in behalf of others. Again and again, in after days, does he make similar statements. He gave what he received, and in giving got more.
“June 18.—I find that unless I am continually doing something for the souls of unthinking sinners, my love becomes cold, and a deadening effect is the result, which soon spreads into everything.” Yet it was not easy for the flesh at first, though ultimately he won the victory. “I have to grieve,” says he, “over a feeling of unwillingness, and even irksomeness, to go and speak to persons about their eternal salvation. Am I stone? Am I hardened as adamant? How can I allow such feelings to gain the mastery; they are called natural, but are they natural? If these persons were in imminent danger of falling a prey to wild beasts in the desert, would I not flee to their rescue? O Lord, touch this heart which is so cold and senseless. Thy countenance can make it ever full of love for deluded sinners.”
After again perusing Harlan Page, he writes :— “When on my deathbed, how will every effort., every trial to bring souls to Jesus, seem cold and lifeless. O for the mind of the Lord when He wept over Jerusalem Give me, Lord Jesus, a heart to weep for poor sinners, a heart to bleed for poor sinners, a heart to pour out itself in prayer for poor sinners. Thou knowest the weakness and coldness of my pleadings for unconcerned sinners. O give me faith, give me love, burning, unquenchable love to do all I can in God’s strength to convince those living without Thee, that they are wilfully throwing themselves into destruction, that they are of their own free will casting from them everlasting salvation, and embracing eternal damnation. O that I had a forehead as Ezekiel, ‘as adamant harder than flint,’ that I might speak the Lord’s will to every man.”
There was nothing of bondage in David Sandeman’s unceasing service; his was the filial obedience of one who, by Christ, could enter the Holiest of all, and could look up to the Holy One and cry, “Abba, Father.” This confidence in his Lord, this boldness to enter by the blood of Jesus, this assurance of the acceptance of his person in the Beloved, and therefore of his services, was the secret spring of that untiring delight he manifested in waiting for his God. Let us hear him speak on this point. He has been reading a little book, “Glimpses into the World to Come,” by a young friend, George Philips, and here are his remarks “George Philips’s case remarkably shews that God must be sought only through the merits of Jesus. For six years he was concerned about his soul, and could obtain no peace. But then he yielded much to going in with irreligious friends in trifling, and for long had not resolution to tell them boldly why he would no longer join with them. A more prolonged and chief occasion of his want of peace was his looking to his frames, and confiding in the earnestness of his prayers as the ground of his acceptance with God; and it was only when he saw the freeness of the Gospel offer, made only through the blood of Jesus, and when all suspicions of God were removed, that peace flowed into his mind, and that but shortly before his death.” His first visit to a cottage on the errand of salvation, is thus recorded :—
“Went for first time this evening to address a man and his wife on their eternal condition. During prayer, felt strong desire that what I said might not be made the savour of death unto death to their souls. After leaving them, I felt so strongly the awful condition of lost unthinking sinners, that I was constrained to go and speak to some of the cottars, particularly one family of whom I had heard.”
Once more we see what had to be overcome ere he attained the freedom and readiness to deal with souls that afterwards he reached. Let it encourage others.
“I now feel the inward hardness of the heart more than formerly, and that languor formerly referred to as stealing over the soul when once active work for God is intermitted. It is undoubtedly the case that there is a secret reluctance to speak plainly to unthinking men, unless we are specially endued with a sense of eternal things, and that so strongly as to conquer the natural evil of the heart. But if there is much secret striving with God, and then going in His strength boldly to the work, many a seeming difficulty will vanish; we are strengthened above what we thought for, and a sense of divine things experienced brighter and clearer than ever before. God seems indeed to have wonderfully connected praying and acting. If we pray to be enabled to speak the truth to dying sinners, and do not, if we have any opportunity, engage actively in doing something for them, the effect on our mind begins to lessen. It is saying ‘I go,’ and going not. Many Christians seem to be left to fall into a lethargic state from this cause.” The dependence of spiritual health on efforts for the souls of others being with him a principle of action, he scarcely ever took even a walk for relaxation without distributing tracts, and asking the people to pray over them. He used to say he did not enjoy a walk without having done something in the course of it for the good of souls.
Another breathing.
“June 25.—O Lord, assist me this night, if it be Thy will I should address some careless sinners. O Lord my God, fill me with prayer, with heart-bleedings for sinners! May we take heaven by violence for them. Time flies, and souls are flying to hell. I must pray more for a sense of what the loss of a single soul actually is. Who is sufficient for these things ?”
Then follows a holy resolution: “Never to speak to any one without trying to say something directly, either for the spiritual advancement of my own soul or of theirs, if conscientiously I can find an opportunity, remembering ‘where there is a will there is a way.”
He was now about to leave Springland, that he might enter on business in Manchester. With this in prospect, he says :—
“July 11.—The Lord has, in His abundant mercy, brought me to see this, the third month of my being in Him. My heart is hard as the nether millstone, else it would be continually sounding forth the praises of the love of the Lord Jesus. I would be ever meditating and speaking of such wondrous, incomprehensible love. O Lord, give me but a clear sight of my Saviour, and then my heart must melt down. What urgent need I have to apply more at God’s throne; to keep nearer to Jesus as my only strength.”
“July 1. —The first person I ever visited with the end of profiting, or being profited, was Mrs M., Quarry Mill. Almost four years ago my sister began to visit her, she being confined to bed by bodily debility. About the same time, one who had obtained peace of mind went to her and spoke to her. She did not wonder at my sister speaking so, because she was of superior station; but when this servant girl so spoke it astonished her, and her conscience told her that no more than the truth was said. She now rejoices in her only Saviour.” The same evening he writes—” I find I must watch that efforts for the salvation of souls do not turn away my mind from my own spiritual state. Today I have been engaged, as I am on the eve of leaving home, in visiting the cottagers from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m.
“I am now about to go to England. O that the Lord would meet with me as He did with Jacob, and bless me, then would I go forth joyfully. O God, my God, go forth with me, and I will fear none ill. O direct my path in everything. Make a bright shining light to mark the road that leads me to the Lamb, so that I may not swerve to the right hand or to the left. Thou, O Lord, hast dealt very mercifully with me in giving me such a long breathing season. I am but a weak lamb; unless Thou bear me up, I must soon fall. May I every day wax stronger and stronger, ‘looking unto Jesus;’ then I cannot fail.
“While I am on my way to Manchester, I will have much in my power in speaking to former associates. O Lord, enable me to make opportunities! May I always have before mine eyes either to give or receive profit, with whomsoever I meet.” On arriving at Manchester:—
“Sunday Evening, July 28—Have much cause of thankfulness to the Lord for His many kindnesses to me since coming here. For some days my heart felt cast down, as I have been doing nothing for that merciful God who has done so much for me. But since then He has been pleased to shew me that I have been impatient, and not relying enough on His ever faithful arm. I see that in some cases I must wait till I have been here longer before speaking to persons, and then efforts will be more effectual; but neither, on the other hand, ought I to delay too long. But I have full cause to thank the Lord for the opportunities He gives me of engaging in His work. His having been pleased to put me under the charge of Mr G. Barbour, is a striking instance of His lovingkindness, for by this means I have been introduced into the Sabbath school, and thus again have opportunity of gaining admission into families to speak a word to them; and in Mr B. I have a friend with whom I may advise, and who by his efforts and conversation shews that his face is Zionward.”
Immediately on being settled, he began to distribute tracts in the neighbourhood. Finding that this formed a good opening for further acquaintance and visitation, the same evening he commenced visiting the houses of his Sabbath scholars. Amidst the routine of business his soul prospered; for he acted on the rule of Psalms 1:3, and so was like a tree planted by the waters.
“I find encouragement, at my daily occupations in the warehouse, from now and then taking out my Testament and reading over a few verses; and that, with perhaps a short prayer, gives me new vigour, and stimulates me to greater diligence in my duties. A great part of the day is necessarily consumed with affairs connected with this world; but in being thus engaged, I trust I am preparing a way for a greater opportunity of glorifying Him by acquiring the means of doing more good.”
“I find the little time at dinner very refreshing, for then I get a little of the Bible or some other good book read.”
Here is a solemn case:—
“I have passed perhaps the most solemn time this night that I have ever passed. I have been conversing with one to whom the Lord has not been pleased to manifest Himself. He said he knew well the willingness of Jesus to save him, but that there was an iron sinew in his neck which prevented him coming to Him; that he just felt that he was sin, and could not move to the Redeemer. I read and prayed with him about two hours; still his heart was rebellious and would not bend. Again and again in the Lord’s strength I besought him then to come with his heart as it was, and put it and all into Jesus’ hands, and yet he said that he could not. It was indeed solemn to be beside one who knew so well all the Bible truths and the freeness of the Gospel offer, and yet whose heart was so hardened, that all these fell like dumb words upon his soul. Let me not rest till he has obtained perfect peace in the Lord.” His first prayer-meeting in Manchester:—
“August 8.—Our first prayer-meeting was held to-night. Here may be the beginning of a great working among the dry bones. Let me remember that the blood of sinners lies at my door, if I warn them not night and day with tears, Acts 20:31, Ezekiel 33:8. O Lord, give me a realising sense of their condition, then will I go forth proclaiming the glorious plan of salvation and the terrific danger of remaining in sin. O for more of Harlan Page’s spirit. O when will prayer and effort, and effort and prayer, be the business of my life !” The time is now come when he sees his way opened to deal with those around him, in the same warehouse.
“August 9.—I have been waiting till I should prove myself diligent in business before beginning to speak to those around me about their souls, but now I must, by the arm of the Lord supporting me, begin to do something at the warehouse. If it please Him, I may be the instrument of bringing many souls to Him from among them, but to find and use opportunities will require much circumspection and prayer. Having this evening to myself I felt a disinclination to spend it in the work of the Lord. How soon does the heart grow cold in this service. I have been writing to a friend about his soul, after much prayer on his behalf.”
Yearning over a soul, he says :—
“16th August.—To-day, while thinking of writing to —, I felt my heart burn for poor sinners, and could not refrain from writing to him; which I did, leaving all in the hands of a mightier than I, and earnestly beseeching the blessing.”
Two days after this, he is sitting alone, musing on his Lord and His ways. The fire burns higher and higher. “What! has that Lord of all come down from heaven, and shewn me somewhat of such glorious love in my Lord and Redeemer! It is wonderful !— reason stands speechless—poor finite man stands confounded, ‘lost in wonder, love, and praise;’ the Lord alone can fathom the bottomless depth of his love; the Lord, and He alone, can know it. O let me then praise Him! Praise Him, praise Him, my soul; praise God the Father, praise God the Saviour, praise God the Holy Ghost. Praise, praise, honour, and eternity of glories to the Almighty God, Triune Jehovah!
“My God and Father, give me more ardent love. Fill, O fill me with more love to such a Saviour! Everything within seems cold and dead, when the love of the Lord Jesus is made to shine. For, O how feeble must seem the little twinkling star of man’s cold love and colder heart, when brought in comparison with that love which burns as an infinity of suns !“
There is an expression used by the Prophet Hosea (Hosea 14:6), when telling of pardoned, accepted, freely loved Israel: “His smell shall be as Lebanon.” Travellers report that they have found not the cedars only, but every shrub and plant that clothes the sides of that majestic mountain, in the spring season, breathing forth fragrance; all are aromatic. Is it not so with all the words and ways of the pardoned and accepted soul? Was it not so with David Sandeman? But besides this, the natives of Lebanon tell us that if you collect the sap of the tall pine, or of the goodly cedar, and drop it into the flame, the fragrance is delightful as incense. Is not this like what we find in God’s believing ones? Their inner life, their thoughts, their deep-seated feelings, when circumstances develop them, have a fragrance of peculiar sweetness. It was so in the case of him whose motives and innermost frames of soul are here laid open. “The smell is as Lebanon.” But effort is now called forth in another direction.
“Wednesday, 2lst.—For the first time, spoke seriously and plainly to one of the warehousemen, and gave him two tracts. I trust this will prove a beginning to doing more for the precious souls which I am among. Speaking to him has made me happy; for day after day I have gone there, and done nothing for these souls. Pride, so far as I have seen, appears to be my besetting sin. It is surely in mercy that the Lord hides the desperate wickedness of my heart from my view, lest I should be overwhelmed in His holy presence.”
He again testifies to the reflex influence on his own soul of his endeavours to bless others.
“31st August.—I find almost invariably that the more I am engaged in doing something for the good of others, the happier I am in my mind.
“Going home I began to speak to a policeman, who was going the same way, with a view to the good of his soul.” At times he was led to take note of the evils within his own soul, and occasionally the conflict there was sore.
“1st September, Sunday.—Henry Martyn seems to have felt much the depravity of his heart. I fear I have scarce seen mine at all. I seem to have a sort of fear to examine into it, as if there were an unfathomable abyss thinly veiled.”
“2d September, Monday.—This morning, felt plainly the workings of pride, pride which brought down Satan. Walked home with a young man. He made the long hours of business an excuse for not attending to eternal things."
“3d September. —The wicked one has taken advantage of some things which I have read and heard of the Socinians, to infuse at times doubts into my mind. The mere handling of their views seems to leave a stain."
“2 o’clock.—My reason is plainly convinced that the Lord Jesus is God; still there seems to be something of the Satanic spirit within. O how awful is any feeling approaching to unbelief! How desolate it makes the heart, as if a stinging scorpion were lying there.
“Night.—I have sincere cause to praise the Lord that He has been mercifully pleased to deliver me from the power of the lion.”
He used the short time he had in his power at the dinner hour for snatching a look at the New Testament and for brief prayer. This refreshment cheered him on in his common employment. After one of these short seasons, he finds himself again among his fellow-clerks in the warehouse, and thus writes:—
“One of them spoke to me about predestination; another, a Roman Catholic, joined us. I proposed that we should look for a little at Romans 9:1-33.; and it did seem strange, three of us examining God’s word in such a place, in the midst of cloth, and noise, and bustle; the sight made me lift up my heart to the Lord in praise and humble prayer, that it might not be ineffectual for our good. In the evening tried to speak to another fellow-clerk; my heart was yearning for his soul’s welfare; for O the time is short, everything is hastening to an end, and then— unending eternity.” His zeal led his mind forth in all directions.
“8th September.—Spoke to a Particular Baptist in the warehouse, who holds very strong views on predestination. It seems to me that he dwells on this to the exclusion, in some measure, of man’s responsibility. Now, both are to be held; if the former only be considered, how manifestly must it cool every effort for the salvation of souls.
“Thursday, 12th September, 3.30 a.m.—I have remained up to this early hour writing to —, about our matter of controversy.”
Thinking over some of his visits to Perth, he notes the particulars of a case thus :—“ I never visited Mrs Y. till three weeks before leaving for Manchester. It was remarkable that, through carnal and sinful reasons, I had been at home three weeks before I went; and yet it pleased the Almighty to convince her soul, and then to bring her to Himself. She was almost wholly ignorant of Scripture, or at least of its meaning; for often during the course of the day she would come, Bible in hand, to ask of a neighbour what this or that passage meant. Since then, I believe, she holds on her way.” This is dated September 17. On September 19, another is mentioned who “at first was rather hardened by the loss of her children; and then led by it to the true Comforter. She had had hard thoughts of God.” An entry, 25th September, takes special notice of the thought of the ministry having taken hold of his mind, and of the joy it gave him even to look forward to the possibility of entering on that path. But the following general observation about his feelings is interesting in itself:—” Find that whilst in my unconverted days impressions seemed a kind of burden, often falling off, now another hand preserves them.”
Other thoughts occur about the same time, shewing the healthy tone and vigour of his spiritual being. We are giving merely samples.
“27th September.—I have lately been looking forward with some joy to that happy departure from this world and being with Christ, which is far better. O what a sovereign balm for every wound is that; it often enlivens the solitariness of my lodging.
“1st October, Tuesday.—I have now been able to get three in the warehouse to learn a verse every morning. My heart was enlivened by the two ‘hookers’ coming to me and repeating their verses; one of them was a Roman Catholic.
“2d October, Wednesday.—That arch enemy pride, I fear, wars against me.”
Joy and edification, as the result of dealing with souls, were his constant experience now.
“8th October, Tuesday.—-Called upon Davis, and heard him praying while he did not know of it. He seemed to be truly pouring out his soul, and it was affecting to hear one so engaged who may be so near death. The Irish accent was very strong, which added simplicity to it. In prayer, after visiting him and another dying man, felt much solemnised. It is when the Lord is pleased thus to solemnise my heart, that prayer draws my soul into heaven, and I feel unwilling to desist.
“Again and again I find it confirmed, that the more I am engaged in working for the Lord, the more do heavenly and becoming thoughts fill my heart. It is this which inclines me much to the ministry. I do at times sincerely wish that my heart, time, and all, were given wholly to the service of the Redeemer. It would be my joy and felicity to be spent wholly in working for Him; and this, I trust, is not mere enthusiasm, but the calm and full purpose of my heart. I have been earnestly praying that if it be His will the Lord would open a way for me. How my heart glows at the thought of my poor unworthy services being entirely devoted to Him who has washed me, who has justified me, who has sanctified, and will sanctify me more and more.”
Becoming more and more impressed with the persuasion, that the Lord might open up to him that entrance into the ministry which he so longed for, he writes in his journal that he is fully aware of the many difficulties he must in that case encounter, but he has weighed the best manner of meeting every difficulty, and trial, and discouragement that maybe awaiting him. “Looking unto Jesus,” says he, “would be my motto in the beginning—Looking unto Jesus, my motto in advancing—Looking unto Jesus, my motto in storming the breach—Looking unto Jesus, my motto in falling, sword in hand, did He so decree. Lord, give me light !” It is soon after this that he writes—” I trust God is becoming far more of a companion to me.”
We next find him blaming himself for speaking and acting as if he were already an established believer instead of a new-born babe. Then we find him on his way to the Lord’s table, saying, “All I can expect in this world is pain and struggle, rising and falling, seeming to be nearly vanquished, and then, in the glorious strength of my Redeemer, conquering all enemies. Whether as a merchant or as a minister, I may fully expect such trials as these. Let nothing therefore move me.” On 13th October occurs a breathing of delight at the idea of a soul saved by his instrumentality. “Have had the joyful news to-day, that — is inquiring very seriously, and in a way that shews that the blessed Spirit is at work within. How unspeakably precious is the godly sorrow of one poor sinner, which gives the angels a hymn of praise.” Two days after this, he records at some length his views regarding the proposed change in his profession, prefacing it with the words, “May I consider it as if I were on my death-bed !” What weighed with him most powerfully was the consideration, that a merchant cannot so give himself up to live and die wholly for the Lord, as a ‘minister of the Gospel ‘may— although the merchant in a sphere of his own may largely glorify God. After this he writes
“Evening, 22d October. - I feel at present as standing in the market-place, ready to be hired. May the Lord Jesus come forth from His vineyard, and although it may be said to be with me the eleventh hour, invite me, nay, draw me in, to be one of his labourers. Whether merchant or minister, let me remember the day is far spent, and that we are near the end of the journey. If he has chosen me for his minister, O for that grace and truth which come from above; for that holy anointing for His own special work. Why wait the wheels of His chariot? Yet I see that the lesson of waiting in prayer must be learnt. The Lord alone can direct the path of His servants. Now they must seemingly stand still; again, they must press forward with the fullest vigour. At one time, in the eyes of the world, they may seem to be over cautious, and fearful of advancing; at another, they may seem to be enthusiasts.
“25th October.—With Christian friends I have sometimes a pure unalloyed and hallowed enjoyment, which I scarcely thought was given to creatures here on earth. Truly the world knows nothing of this communion. I never imagined such, till the Lord was pleased to renew my heart.”
He is not abating in his pursuit of holiness, for we find him recording :—
“28th October, Monday.—In the morning tried to have solemn thoughts, as soon as I arose, by repeating and praying the 63d Psalm. Grieved to find that I do not awake with a greater sense of divine things upon my mind. I fear this shews there is little true sanctification of the thoughts and intents of the heart”
Once more: “I have much reason to thank the Lord for the persuasion he has given me in my own mind, with regard to the ministry. I pray that as soon as the way is properly clear, I may enter with my whole soul into the work. Poor perishing souls, why will they not be warned? O if that vast word ‘Eternity’ were more in my heart, how wholly different would be my walk and conversation! I fear I never realise what eternal death means.”
“I think that the best criterion of the effect of private devotion, public ordinances, or religious converse, is, how does it dispose one for self-denying effort? Were this question put when the heart seemed softened with some view of holy things, it might often appear that natural feeling has mingled. This test must be a true one, for when should the believer’s soul be so strong for duty, as when his Redeemer sends forth the rays of His love?”
Very characteristic are his words, when he resolves —“To act as if there were no other human being with me, as if I alone bore the standard; and yet to watch for and hail any who seem to strive to bear the standard, and take him by the right hand.” For his was a genial nature, thriving in the atmosphere of brotherly love~
Here is an important reiteration of a testimony :— “I never feel my soul so much trusting in the Lord my righteousness, as after trying to warn some poor one from the sleep of death, or to comfort some follower of the Lamb. I have so often experienced this, that it seems strange I should ever forget it. There is a heartfelt enjoyment of peace and a resting upon Him, which far surpasses any feeling I ever experienced while wandering from the blessed Shepherd of the flock. It is at such times as these that a strong proof of the Lord having indeed made me one of His is presented to my mind. For there is such a peaceful quiet within, that none can feel it unless the Lord has sent it, especially if, on examination, there is no particular outward cause to produce it.. In going to the warehouse, and passing through the crowded street, nothing was permitted to come between my soul and my God.” And here is an important statement of a fact :—
“Find new opportunities every day at the warehouse of speaking a word in season; the longer there, the more such seem to open. I will leave the profession of merchant, deeply convinced of the many opportunities afforded him if he has the true wish of glorifying the Lord. Yet is the ministry more honourable than this, and still more opportunities are found in it” But now the time came when his highest wish was to be gratified. On November 19th, he is taking farewell of the poor whom he used to visit. At last, he is ready to start. “O may He be my staff and my rod! May this ever be before my eyes, and written upon my heart, GOD, WHOSE I AM, AND WHOM I SERVE. I am now no longer my own; the world must now be cast behind. May I be directed on the road to duty. Let this day be ever remarkable in my life.”
Just as he was thus leaving Manchester, he heard of one to whom he seemed to have been savingly blessed. It led him to write :—“ Felt that important principle confirmed to-day, that the more I engage in duty, the more I am glad with a holy joy.” Need we wonder at this? Surely not; for thus it is that a man is kept from looking at self, and guided to a more constant gaze at Christ, to whom he points others. And we get a little into the secret of his steady cheerfulness when we find him remarking :—“ Have been considering the subject of assurance. I believe that the Christian who possesses it is in the best position for active effort to the glory of God: as he is thus free from his own problem to care for the souls of others. And surely it is most scriptural, for we find the Apostles ever rejoicing in the love of Christ, and exhorting whole churches to do the same.”
We now go with him to Edinburgh, where he arrived November 27.; and three days after he is found as before, at his heavenly Father’s business. For we read—
“30th November.—Attended a prayer meeting of the Students’ Missionary Association. Have been much interested in the life of J. Brainerd Taylor. He was a merchant also till nineteen. He seems to have felt a distaste for business itself, which I cannot say was the case with me, nor do I know that there is any line of life I would not have been ready to pursue, had duty led to it. With him I pray that the Lord would make me a Christian eminent for holiness and devotedness. I would desire not to take any man as my model, but only the Lamb of God. May He grant me a great anointing for His most holy office.”
Soon after he is found joining with a few others in a prayer meeting for revival in the congregation. Then he writes :—“ I would humbly praise God for the change which, I trust, has been wrought in me. He has restored in some measure to my soul the light of His countenance. The Holy Scriptures have been sweet to my taste to-day. The Psalms especially seemed to beam with light. This morning while returning from visiting, Jesus seemed to draw near to me. I had just to lift up my heart, and He gave me peace in Him. I longed to go aside and pray, but had no time. Still I could not help stopping by the roadside, and felt the true joy arising from the feeling of lying passive in the Saviour’s arms.”
Here is watchfulness.
“7th December.—Began to repeat the 42d Psalm as soon as I arose, and engaged in prayer. This I often find beneficial, by the mind being led into a serious frame as soon as I awake.’
Here is self-examination.
“Monday, 9th—I cannot point so much to one glaring sin that should make me mourn, it is just the corruption of the whole inward man; a constant tendency to estrange myself from the Lord, by neglecting to be ever striving to keep near Him.”
Here he glorifies God in his studies.
“13th December.—It is very delightful when I am enabled to sit down to Cicero or to Greek, with my heart’s purpose being to glorify God. It is oftentimes very refreshing to lift up my heart in prayer before taking the book in my hands, and commending myself unto Him who careth for us."
“17th December.—Attending meeting of students of divinity engaged in Home Mission work. This is my first mixing with the students, and engaging more immediately for God’s glory. The Lord has given me some love to souls; but O why so little yearning after the Lord Jesus! Were he to put the question to me which be put to Peter, ‘Lovest thou me?’ I fear it would be asked but once.
“8th January.—My time is at present very much engrossed by study. To-day, from half-past seven a.m. till ten at night, I was engaged in study, and yet the Lord shewed me that He is able to keep my heart in peace with Him: for often during my studies, I was able to lift up my soul in calm resting upon Him. The quiet and sweetness I experience at times is what formerly, when dwelling afar from the Lord, I was an utter stranger to. It is not a boisterous joy, nor even elation, but a calm quiet, which seems to pervade every feeling of the soul. I think I can trace this to my being more in prayer while at college and in the various classes. Let this be an encouragement to me to strive to live in prayer; and in order to this, let me ever remember not to begin the business of any class till I have prayed to the Lord to keep me, and to bless to me what I learn while there.
“Attended Dr Candlish ’s class for the Confession of Faith. Subject: ‘The Decrees of God and Election.’ In the course of the day, I find myself speaking and acting too much as if I were an established follower of my Lord, instead of manifesting that humble, childlike deportment which ought to characterise the newborn babe. Passed some time with a soul who is still looking within, instead of without, to the cross of Immanuel.
“My heart is apparently wholly devoid of that melting tenderness and fervent love to my crucified Redeemer which ought to fill me. O to be delivered from this body of death ! When will the Day Star, the Bright and Morning Star, arise upon my soul, and the love of the Saviour, without resistance, be shed abroad within me? I long for such a time. O that I could forget every one else, and every thing else in the world, and join the seraph band in singing to His praise, the bountiful Giver of all good! Every estrangement is only the working of that great enemy sin, mortal sin. How black must my heart seem in the eye of the Lord, with whom I have to do. Lord Jesus, come into my soul, and enable me to love Thee more and more.” In crossing from Leith to Kirkcaldy, on his way to a few days’ visit at Springland, he writes :—“ Was obliged to rebuke three men for their disgraceful conversation; but it was done in a cowardly manner. Spoke at last to a gentleman inside the coach a few words as to the necessity of seeking to lay hold on the only true foundation, Christ Jesus. The cowardly feeling I experienced was very great, wholly unworthy of one who professes to have relinquished the world, and therefore should regard neither its laugh nor frown. I am far from being a bold soldier in my Master’s cause.” And here is a prayer at this time, and the solution of a difficulty :—“ I prayed to be kept in remembrance of my three mottoes :—
‘LOOKING UNTO JESUS.’
‘MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE’
‘WHOSE I AM, AND WHOM I SERVE.’
I am sometimes at a loss as to the priority of various duties, which should hold the first place, and which should be postponed. At present these three manifest duties lie before me: 1st, Religion in my own soul; 2d, Preparation in all its forms for the ministry; 3d, The conversion of near relations and neighbours.”
It is thus he enters upon another year :—
“New Year’s Day, 1st January 1845, Springland.—The year has been begun in prayer. How blessed would it be if it were a whole year of prayers. O for grace from my God to pray without ceasing. In a letter from my sister lately, she said, ‘Do not come to terms with your corruptions. Give no quarter to sin, and take none, till you set your feet within the New Jerusalem.’
“O to learn more from Jesus of His own glorious Person! Show me, Lord, more of Thy wondrous love. Fill the void which I feel to be in my soul.
“I sometimes think whether or not it may be God’s will that I should enter the ministry on earth. Many are cut off in their prime. J. Brainerd Taylor was cut down when about to enter on the work of preaching the Gospel, and he, as I, left business. May I ever remember this solemn consideration” And thus he girds his loins: -
“22d February.—Rose at 4 a.m. for reading the word and prayer. Could not get near the Lord in prayer. and was made to walk the rest of the day in somewhat of the spirit of humility, yet felt that it had strengthened me and that it gave me a feeling of stability. Found to-day how ill my proud heart could bear reproof:” His studies go on, and yet his soul is not really suffering loss :—“ To-day felt much calm joy of heart in leaving my Greek for a little and kneeling down to pray. How sweet the refreshment at such a season to the whole inward man. It spreads a peaceful serenity over the heart which nothing from an earthly source can equal. Perhaps the nearest approach to it is Christian friendship, but this I find mixed with many alloys. Communing with God is alone pure without mixture; it is a foretaste of the eternal joy.” On March 3. he gained the prize for recitation at the Humanity Class in the College, taught by Professor Pillans. But his delight in meditating on the word of God increased. “16th March.—The majesty of God’s word is truly great; so like the language of the Creator of the universe. Have been reading lately some of Solomon’s Song, and find it very suitable to my own.
“Wednesday, March 19.—Have experienced more pleasure in reading the Scriptures to-day than I ever remember before. Have begun to learn John’s Gospel by heart. How placid and kind the manner in which Jesus speaks to the first apostles, ‘What seek ye ?’ He said unto them, ‘Come and see;’ when they, trembling, no doubt, were following Him, for they seem to have been afraid to come up with Him. And then, no doubt, walking between them, He took them to His own house—perhaps some small room surrounded by carpenters’ tools. And then the kind welcome given to Nathaniel is very touching. How beautifully does the character of Jesus shine forth in these little narratives, and yet, little as they are, giving manifold proof of His being a Divine Person. Simon Peter’s character he knew at once. Nathaniel was known to be an Israelite in whom was no guile. When he thought no eye had seen him, Jesus had been present and with him under the fig-tree.”
Somewhere about this time, a letter that he wrote a school companion was made a blessing; or rather, a letter which he had written to that friend from Manchester now began to bear fruit in his soul. The young man said, that from that date, whenever he thought of religion, his mind somehow reverted to Mr Sandeman. For a time he quieted his conscience by saying, “Some shall be taken, and others left What then could he do ?“ But he was led on to cry more earnestly to the Lord. One Sabbath, after hearing a sermon on faith, he went home and prayed, “Lord, increase my faith !“ and his eyes were opened. He wrote to Mr Sandeman telling him the happy story. It may be mentioned here, that at a future date he visited Mr S., who has this instructive record concerning him :— “H. G. visited me. The first day or two he was all joy together. This, perhaps, led him to think lightly of temptation. He went to a dancing-party. God humbled him, and he seems to be going on his way rejoicing, yet humble.” Next year, that same person was found spending hours in prayer, in reading the Bible, and visiting the poor. In recording it in his journal, Mr S. writes :—“ Heard of a letter being blessed. Let me be encouraged by this answer to prayer. The good has come, and every atom of it, through Jesus. The grace flowed all the way from heaven, and entered a weak and broken vessel, just before it did the work God had given it to do.”
We can join him in the glow of feeling that dictates what follows
“4th April—Three days more, and then the 7th of April. Brightest day that ever dawned to me, or that ever can dawn, till I enter into the everlasting joy !“
“6th April, Sabbath.—It was about this very hour last year that the Lord first gave me a true hope, which has never quite left me since. How blessed my prospect now: Throughout the ages of eternity my soul to be wrapt in joys, of which Jesus shall be the one great theme! a holy rejoicing, which can know no ebbings, no interruptions, but shall be ever flowing on, ever finding new cause for a louder burst of praise when my Saviour’s loveliness is yet more displayed! in that land to meet the patriarchs and prophets, to join with the Psalmist King in chaunting to the praise of God, with all the martyrs to sing aloud, and the general assembly of the redeemed !”
Amid such breathings, prayers, efforts, studies, passed quietly away the first year of his new life.