06 Love in Christian Marriage
Love in Christian Marriage In addition to emphasizing that Christ and the church are essentially one, our passage highlights Christ’s love for the church. Recall also that Paul in these verses is expanding not only on the idea of our being filled with the Spirit, but in particular on the idea expressed in verse 21: we are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. In this context, Paul commands the husband to love his wife -- this is his method of submission.
What does Paul mean by love? Recall that Christ’s love for the church was for sinners (as we saw in Romans 5:8). We, the church, did nothing to deserve that love, as it was conditioned on nothing in us. God justifies the wicked (Romans 4:5); He loves the rebellious world (John 3:16). And we husbands are to love our wives in the same way, with a love not conditioned on their response.
Let us clarify the idea by examining a number of things that Paul does not mean here:
(1) Paul is not saying, "Love your wife if she submits to you." That would be a love conditioned on a response.
(2) Second, he is not saying that husbands are always to follow her lead, responding to her statements with, "Whatever you say, dear." That would be to give up the husband’s headship, which, as we will see later, is a key element in Christian marriage.
(3) Third, Paul is not here talking about erotic love. The word "erotic" comes from the Greek eros, a love that responds to the beauty of the other. When Paul tells husbands to love their wives, he does not use this term; indeed, the Greek word eros is never used in the New Testament.
Now, the Bible clearly teaches that sexuality is one of God’s gifts, and that the joy of sexual relations between husband and wife is an expression of their essential one-flesh unity. The Song of Solomon, for example, is a celebration of erotic love in its proper context. In beautiful images, the author expresses the longing for sexual fulfillment prior to marriage and the consummation of that longing after marriage.
Recall also the command that God gives the Israelites in Deuteronomy 24:5 : When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife.
"He shall give happiness to his wife." I believe God here is talking about more than just taking out the trash and playing tiddly-winks; surely he also means giving her sexual pleasure.
Proverbs 5:1-23 also highlights our Creator’s positive view of sexuality:
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. (Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV)
Husbands are commanded to delight physically in their wives, to be drunk, or carried away with her love. The sexual relationship between husband and wife is one of abandonment to the other. This idea carries over to the New Testament. In 1 Corinthians, Paul says: For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:4 ESV)
(Note that the NIV translators add words not found in the Greek in saying “the wife’s body does not belong to her alone”; the ESV and NAS are more literal here). Our bodies belong to each other; the husband has authority over the wife’s body, and the wife has authority over the husband’s body. Many husbands want to claim the former but do not acknowledge the latter. Biblically, authority over the other’s body goes both ways - the wife does indeed have authority over the husband’s body. So in a strong Christian marriage, the sexual act provides us with a beautiful picture of the unity between man and wife; as we yield to each other and give pleasure to each other we increase our own delight. And sexual intimacy binds us closer and closer to each other, as we share aspects of our selves with each other that we never share with another.
Some Christians have been confused on this point, and have provided poor teaching. Sexual expression even within marriage has sometimes been considered something only tolerable, allowed by God as an outlet for passion for those not able to live celibate lives, or as a necessary allowance so that the human race can continue. But such an interpretation ignores the verses cited above, as well as the foundation verse for Christian marriage, Genesis 2:24. God delights in the proper expression of sexuality within marriage; after all, He invented sex. In many (probably most) marriages, sexual expression does indeed bring joy, but it also brings considerable tension. Most often the tension arises from the husband’s desire to have sexual relations more often than the wife would prefer; the wife begins to feel like a tool to satisfy her husband’s passion, and withdraws more and more from him. The husband may react in a number of ways that heighten the tension: forcing her to have sex when he wants; withdrawing from all sexual relations with her, even when she desires it; seeking sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage. These problems result in large measure from both partners failing to understand and put into practice the two central concepts we have discussed so far: the nature of unity within marriage, and the type of love that should characterize the marriage. The mutual authority over each other’s bodies of 1 Corinthians 7:4 precludes all these negative behaviors. In true Christian marriage, our sexual pleasure is a joint sexual pleasure, and we will delight to help our partner to be intoxicated with our love. At the same time, the love and unity we share will mean that we will refrain from making sexual advances when we know there are reasons why our spouse will have difficulty responding positively. So erotic love is not only sanctioned by the Bible, but also commanded within the confines of marriage. A solid Christian marriage in which both partners are healthy will be characterized by an exhilarating sharing of each other’s bodies. Yet the love Paul commands in Ephesians 5:1-33 is more than erotic love.
(4) Furthermore, love in marriage is more than friendship love. Now, love between spouses should include friendship love. Indeed, in Titus 2:4 Paul commands the older women to sober the minds of the younger women so that they might love their husbands - and a number of commentators suggest that the emphasis here is on friendship love. Some of the applications of unity from the previous section are examples of friendship love: Sharing interests, having deep discussions, bearing each other’s burdens, simply enjoying being in each other’s company -- all these are vital parts of a good marriage. Certainly the command in Deuteronomy for the man to give happiness to his wife includes being her friend and growing in their enjoyment of each other, as well as sharing sexual intimacy. But love between man and wife should be more than friendship love. So love in marriage is not conditional, nor is it obsequious; love in marriage is not solely erotic, nor solely friendship. What is the positive teaching about love?