05 Unity in Christian Marriage
Unity in Christian Marriage Let us begin by considering unity. Husband and wife are one. From the beginning, God said: for this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24) What does this mean?
First, husband and wife are one because they are both parts of the body of Christ. This is why Christians are to marry Christians. How can I be one with Christ, and also one with someone who is not in Christ? In the ideal Christian marriage, Christ is the head, the husband, of each partner in the marriage individually; both the man and the woman, as part of the church, are the bride of Christ. So Jesus Christ is at the middle of the relationship. The unity of husband and wife in its essence begins with the unity of the two in Christ. So the statements we find in the parts of Scripture that deal with spiritual gifts apply to husbands and wives also. In 1 Corinthians we read: The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." (1 Corinthians 12:21) And recall that earlier in Ephesians we saw Paul make much the same point: we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. (4:15-16)
Each part of the body needs to do its part to build up every other part of the body, so that all together they grow into Christ. So the husband needs his wife, and the wife needs her husband; they build up each other when both are one in Christ. So Beth and I are one, in the same sense that I am one with my body. When Beth is built up, and honored, and growing, I am built up, and honored, and growing; if she hurts, I hurt. In the magnificent novel Anna Karenina the 19th century Russian author Leo Tolstoy uses a dual story line to examine marriage. He compares and contrasts Anna’s marriage with that of Levin and Kitty. Anna and her husband make mistake after mistake, eventually leading to the destruction of their marriage, while Levin and Kitty exemplify a good marriage. Theirs is not perfect; but they understand their essential unity. Tolstoy clearly had thought long and hard about Ephesians 5:1-33 prior to writing this book. Permit me to excerpt a rather lengthy section for you; this occurs shortly after Levin and Kitty marry:
Levin had thought there could never be any relations between himself and Kitty other than those based on tenderness, self-respect, and love: But the first month of their marriage showed otherwise. Their first quarrel arose because Levin had ridden over to inspect a new farm. He returned half an hour late because he had attempted a short cut and got lost. He rode home thinking only of her, of her love, of his own happiness, and the nearer he came to the house the warmer grew his tenderness for her. He rushed into the room with a feeling that was even stronger than the one with which he had gone to propose to her, yet was all of a sudden met with a grim expression he had never seen on her face before. He tried to kiss her, but she pushed him away.
"What’s the matter?"
"You’re having a nice time . . ." she began, trying to appear calm and venomous. But the moment she opened her mouth, she burst into a flood of reproaches, senseless jealousy, and everything else that had been tormenting her during the half hour she had spent sitting motionless at the window. It was then that he clearly understood for the first time what he had failed to understand when he led her out of the church after the wedding. He understood that she was not only close to him, but that he could not now tell where she ended and he began. He realized it from the agonizing feeling of division into two parts which he experienced at the moment. He felt hurt, but he immediately realized that he could not be offended with her because she was himself. For a moment he felt like a man who, receiving a sudden blow from behind, turns round angrily with the desire to return the blow only to find that he had accidentally struck himself and that there was no one to be angry with and he had to endure and do his best to assuage the pain. . . .
It took him a long time to recover his senses. His first impulse was quite naturally to justify himself and explain that she was in the wrong; but to show her that she was in the wrong meant to exasperate her still more and to widen the breach which was the cause of all this trouble. One impulse quite naturally drew him to shift the blame from himself and lay it upon her; another much more powerful feeling drew him to smooth over the breach and prevent it from widening. To remain under so unjust an accusation was painful, but to hurt her by justifying himself would be still worse. Like a man half awake and suffering from pain, he wanted to tear off the aching part and cast it away, but on coming to his senses he realized that the aching part was himself. All he had to do was to try to help the aching part to bear it, and this he did.
Isn’t that a wonderful illustration of this truth? Levin "could not now tell where she ended and he began." "He could not be offended with her because she was himself." You see, when we build each other up, we ourselves benefit, because we are one. If we lash out at each other, and justify ourselves individually, if we break the sacred bonds that unite us, we are only in the end hurting ourselves. Just as we try to assuage the pain when our bodies hurt, so we need to comfort and forgive each other when we (inevitably) hurt each other. This true unity has many important implications for how we live in marriage. Let me draw out four of them:
First, in order to be one in marriage, we must no longer be one with the family in which we grew up. As Genesis 2:24 says prior to stating the unity between husband and wife, “a man shall leave his father and his mother.” Many parents try to hold on to their children even after marriage. In many African cultures, the wife becomes part of the husband’s family, even becoming a servant for the husband’s mother. In other cases, the wife or husband will feel more loyalty and unity with the family in which he or she grew up than with the spouse. But Genesis tells us we are to leave our parents. We continue to respect them, we continue to be in relationship to them, we hope to involve them as grandparents in the raising of our children; furthermore, if we are all Christians we all clearly continue to be part of the same body of Christ. We can say even more: our parents may have valuable advice to give us concerning marriage. Nevertheless, husband and wife must both recognize that they are one in a deeper, more profound sense than in their earlier family relationships. God has joined them together; they are a picture of Christ and the church; when one hurts, both hurt; when one has joy, so does the other.
Before a marriage takes place, it is very important that the couple as well as both sets of parents understand this point. In most Christian marriage ceremonies, the parents or father of the bride give her away to the bridegroom. This is an important symbol of the breaking of the old family, and the creation of a new one.
Second, in order to be one in marriage, we must take an interest in the other’s passions. For example, suppose that my wife has always had a strong interest in music; she sings in the choir, forms small ensembles that perform special music in church, and know s how to play several instruments. Suppose that I cannot carry a tune, play no instrument, and on Sunday morning sit wishing we could cut out most of the singing and just get to the sermon. Now, how should I act after we are married? Should I say to her, “I don’t like music, so you have to stop spending so much time in this way”? Or should I say to her, “You go ahead and sing if you wish,” but then ignore her involvement: never encourage her with praise, never talk about music with her, never try to learn more about the subject? By no means! Her interest gives me an opportunity to cause her joy and pleasure by trying to learn about music. Since we are one, I receive joy and pleasure from giving the same to her. Now, in the case described, I may not have any natural talent for music, and will probably never be able to perform with my wife. But I can learn enough to talk about the matter with her, to encourage her, and to share this part of her life with her.
Application: What are the passions and interests of your spouse or potential spouse? What can you do to learn about those passions? Have you neglected this means to becoming more united with each other?
Third, in order to be one in marriage, we must share our hopes and dreams. We must talk with each other, looking to the future, discussing where we see ourselves going in the years ahead, examining areas in which we need to grow in Christlikeness, and planning on how to grow together. This is an area that is frequently difficult for men. Many men do not sit and talk with their wives; when they do, they frequently refrain from opening their hearts, either because of a misplaced desire to spare their wives from knowing their troubles, or from a feeling of vulnerability, not wanting to be ridiculed or gossiped about. But we cannot be truly one unless we talk with each other about those matters that concern us most deeply.
Application: Schedule a time with your spouse or potential spouse to have a serious discussion about your hopes and dreams for the future. Make it clear ahead of time that this discussion is confidential, including matters that neither of you will share with anyone else. Try to arrange so that you will not be interrupted, and then truly listen to your spouse during this time.
Fourth, just as her dreams will be his dreams, and vice versa, if the two become one, also his burdens will become her burdens. In Christian marriage, the couple will share all aspects of their lives with each other, dreams for the future as well as burdens of the present. The analogy with Christ and the church makes this clear: We as the church take on more and more of the concerns of Christ Himself as we grow: His concern for the spread of the gospel, His concern for the glory of the Father; He, on the other hand, tells us to cast our burdens on Him. Just as Christ never tells His people that their concerns and cares are unimportant, we as husbands and wives must listen with compassion to the problems faced by our spouses. The importance of our unity as husband and wife will come out in other ways as we go through this part of the course. But these four applications should give you some idea of the central importance of this idea in Christian marriage. Just as Christ and the church are one, man and wife are essentially one flesh, they form an essential unity. Any assertion of self, of my rights, is a denial of this fundamental truth. God has truly joined man and wife together, making them one. Let us not separate one from another.