Mike Bickle emphasizes the importance of love and communication in relationships, reflecting on the legacy of Bob Jones, who was asked by the Lord if he learned to love. He discusses the need to be proactive in addressing wounded relationships before they become irreparable, highlighting the signs of injury in relationships and the significance of open communication. Bickle stresses that expectations must be clearly defined to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts, and he encourages couples to create agreements that foster understanding and respect. He also underscores the necessity of forgiveness and the role of gracious speech in healing relationships, reminding us that our words can either build up or tear down.

Went to be with the Lord February 14th on Valentine's Day, and I was just reflecting on that because many of you know, Bob Jones I won't talk about that much right now, but he had a Dramatic encounter with the Lord that was very well known where he stood before the Lord and the Lord says I have one question Bob Did you learn to love? Bob says I was so I thought he was gonna ask me about my ministry how big how much Impact I made he says the Lord said did you learn to love and that became the theme of Bob's? ministry in life Everywhere he went the last probably 10 or 20 years He that's what he emphasized and so I was meditating on that and I just wanted to have a little family talk on Are we learning to love on a day where love is emphasized? I'm going to talk first about Paying attention to broken and wounded relationships and Then seeing them healed be attentive and proactive So that wounded relationships are healed before they're totally broken now paragraph a Relationship can be wounded at various levels It can be slightly injured to deeply broken And some people only pay attention When the relationship is deeply broken almost too far to ever recover or sometimes it is too far But the spirit of a relationship can be injured While the people involved they're godly people. They're good people and maybe they're not injured but their connection is injured and They say, you know, I'm doing good and he's doing good, but we're not doing good together And what that means when the spirit of a relationship is injured that means the trust and the open communication That used to exist doesn't exist in the same level. That means the relationship is injured and When the trust and the open communication is is being diminished we need to Full alert full alert put time focus energy on this Now I'm not talking only about husband-wife I'm talking about parents of children talking about friends in the kingdom friends in the marketplace and Relationships where that are so valuable and sometimes they get wounded But we don't pay attention to the slight wound until it gets severe and then sometimes it's too late I have here in paragraph a just a few Signs to watch for When a relationship is injured think of your marriage if you're married think of your children if you have them think of friends people in the ministry team people in the department you work with If these signs and this is a few I could give ten, but I got three or four here or happening be alert number one the person has a Increasingly has a closed spirit meaning they're not receptive in the way they used to be Or they're guarded. That's nearly the same. They're not sharing openly They're showing a little bit but it's not how it was a year ago or a couple years ago or the relationship is strained there's a Defensive element there's a sarcastic element that didn't used to exist Or the Family I'm talking family now family dynamics this one resisting touch you know the father goes to his Teenage son or daughter puts his arm around them and they back away And that doesn't mean it's on to death, but that means pay attention something whether You think it's deserved or not deserved. That's an alert That the relationship is injured not broken but injured and we want to be or stalled We want to be proactive. We want to be attentive And as a spiritual family We want to be attentive to relationships and as we grow in that attentiveness We look at the signs and we move in proactively to heal the damage Again marriage a lot of times it's injured the relationship and years go by and then finally it shows up broken and The guy the gal I don't know what happened. It's like no, it's been injured for years Or the parents the children, you know The children now adults and then I don't want anything to do with you now or very little to do with you It's like what? Is that all that the gratitude you have for all the years? I gave you as your parent and it's like the interrelationship has been injured for years and that and you didn't get it and And my point is it you did get it. You didn't get it. That's not my point My point is let's be alerted friendships in the workplace You know in the ministry departments, whatever now a relationship is injured long before it's broken long before it's broken and And uh, we want to pay and again some only pay attention after it's broken It's after the cancer is all through their body Then they want to do something about it where the doctor said there's a speck now is the time to be proactive Don't wait till the cancers in your body in every place and say, you know, I better take care of this Proverbs 18 verse 19 a very well-known passage the brother offended is harder to win than a fortified city Now a fortified strong city or many translations say a fortified city that's the city of the ancient world that had all the gates that were drawn up and all the the gates were barred and all the soldiers of the weapons were on the towers ready to destroy the advancing army a Fortified city is a really hard city to take And then the ancient world with this Solomon wrote this proverb an army would an advancing army would have to Lay siege to a city like for two or three years sometimes to take a fortified city. I Mean, it's almost impossible very costly very time-consuming take a lot of strategy You just don't really win. You don't really conquer many fortified cities happened sometimes in history and military terms What Solomon says the brother offended his heart is so guarded with so many walls of doesn't trust Doesn't he listen to you doesn't receive what you say Their heart is like a fortified city and it may take some years before those walls come down now the brother here is Is It's just a familiar relationship is the idea. It can be a spouse. It's not brother or sister. That's not the point You could have it could be a spouse Who's little by little their heart is becoming like a fortified city guarded and that's bad And it's gonna take time To win that heart is what Solomon's saying, but don't wait till it becomes a crisis before you become attentive and proactive Maybe it's the children. Maybe it's a friendship Don't think we're only talking about marriages. This this is widespread for every important close relationship in our life Take time and wisdom and effort put it in now or put a whole lot more in later and possibly lose the relationship paragraph C It's when I highlight that the Lord emphasizes husbands In the taking the place of headship in the family and one of their primary responsibilities in accepting this high Sacred privilege this challenging privilege its privilege But it's a responsibility and it's sacred to God the the the Responsibility of seeing the wife is honored in the home not just by him but by the children as well And that's the husband's role Now the biblical view of headship is not the headship that that's the boss that's that's the Secular view of headship if you're the head you're the boss in the kingdom The way that Jesus modeled it. I mean Jesus is the boss, but that's not the point when he talks about his headship and Compares it to a marriage. He's the one who laid his life down headship in the New Testament Mean it's the leader and they love the most serve the most take the initiative for healing and reconciliation And he's saying husbands here in 1st Peter chapter 3 as the position of headship in the family One of your top mandates is to make sure You are the guardian and the steward of her honor in the and the family you model it You do it and you establish it in with the children and of course children will honor mom And though as a reflection of how dad honors mom. I mean, there's not always connected but often it is And he tells them Peter says man, the Lord is so earnest about this But your prayers will be hindered if you don't I mean, that's a big issue your prayers will be hindered He goes he'll wake you up to the value of honoring your wife by restraining your prayers withholding the answer. I Mean, that's a high priority. I Tell you women the prayer movement That's a growing so fast across the earth. There's one of the Safest places for women and the prayer movement because if you move forward in prayer this issue comes right to the top from the Holy Spirit's emphasis the honor of a wife By her husband and in her home and the husband being the steward of that I mean, but the the other side is that the man honors his wife his prayers are unhindered So don't just take the warning because implicit in that is the is the promise as well if your prayers are hindered to wake up the husband to the value of honor, then the prayers are unhindered to affirm that honoring a wife and there's many ways to do that and that's not the topic right now of This morning, but I just wanted to I just wanted to highlight that That is the prayer movement grows honor for wives In the in kingdom families is going to grow and I and then honor for women and honor for young girls everything Flows out of that and the Lord ties the prayer movement to this issue of honor Well, let's look at the passage. I mentioned Ephesians chapter 4 Just look at a few phrases for a moment Paul says let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth But only speech that is good But but what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearers and Neglecting this you grieve the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit is Grieved related to the words we speak in our families In marriages To our children to our friends about our friends the words we speak to them and the words we speak about them The Holy Spirit is honored or the Holy Spirit is grieved and Paul lays it out here I mean, this is a big issue because one of the most common ways a Relationship is injured is by speech. It's not the only way but it's the most common and The way a relationship is healed is by speech that's not all but that is the most prominent way Kingdom speech Gracious speech is one of the most powerful and the most prominent way Humans are involved in the process of healing relationships because God breaks in and helps and and it's the healing balm of the Lord That makes the difference, but it's in correspondence to us Speaking words that agree with his heart Now corrupt speech is so natural for all of us just It comes out of us it's because we were born with a sin nature and an orientation to sin and and corrupt speech is just natural to all of us and When we come under the leadership of Jesus, this is an area. He really cares about But it's often an area that's last to come under the Lordship of Jesus in a believer's life, I mean they'll submit their time and some of their money and some of their sexual life and they'll some of the things they do and Financial transaction long before they will submit speech to his leadership speeches and and wounded relationships and speech and healed relationships are all Dynamically connected speech and loving. Well is dynamically connected Well, he says don't let any no corrupt speech leave your lips Now corrupt speech we looked at it last week. There's many expressions of it I just have a few here to kind of give you like oh I get it Complaining is probably the most common type of corrupt speech it's amazing that people can worship fervently and Complain freely and never connect That a life of free complaining of just free venting actually grieves the Holy Spirit dynamically, and it's the opposite of worship and Yet in the body of Christ. This isn't something that we naturally connect together Sarcasm I Think there's just no place for sarcasm. I mentioned this last week that Diane and I were married 38 years ago. One of the first things I said I want to raise a family that has No place for sarcasm never in our family in our marriage and our conversation and our children I don't want our children to hear it. I don't want our two sons to do it I want it to be addressed if I do it I want her to dress Diane if you do it if they do it I want all of us to address it if any of us do it Because we want to just see this come not at all have a place in our family culture and I urge you to Really take that on anyway, there's a number of types of corrupt speech Paragraph B. I want to go to the most prominent type of corrupt speech and that is being critic criticism. I Mentioned this last week. We spent the whole message on it because it's so prevalent and I'm not trying to get down on anybody I I have this corruption in my speech But uh, hopefully I have it less now than 10 years ago and less than 20 years ago And you know, I want to be growing. I want this out of my life completely and it's not But I see it as an enemy. I see it as an enemy of love. It's an enemy of me walking in the spirit It's an enemy of communing with God. It's an enemy of Relationships. It's an enemy of my family when it's in me It's an enemy towards my family when I give way to this And when we really see it for what it is, we oh, okay. This is not just you know, I am this is a real Serious issue. It's an enemy to the church Well that enemy still wins in my life sometimes But I call it an enemy and I aim at it and when I do it I tell the Lord mostly privately every time that I'll go to the person I go Lord I said that was a sin That's not okay And I feel like the Lord says yeah you stayed in that attitude and you'll continue to get more freedom over that Well, I brought this up last week because I was talking I made the just a casual statement that we were on vacation and I Said three weeks on vacation. I enjoyed it so much because I joined my wife so much And and some a young couple came and said you enjoy your wife. You're 38 years married. You enjoy your wife And yeah, I wasn't making some big statement just a casual statement when I said, yeah, I enjoy my wife That's why a big occasion was enjoyable And they I made the comment. Oh, we got to learn to really be interesting because they were newly married We got to work on being interesting. So in a you know, you're 38. We still enjoy each other and I go no No being interesting. That's cool. I like interesting that that's good, but that's not why And I just said it just inadvertently I said I hadn't thought about it I but it was such a it was the right answer No, the reason I enjoy her because the tone of our conversation is almost completely absent of complaint And she's been like this for many years. I go. That's what makes it enjoyable. Yes, she's cute. And yes, she's interesting But that's not why I really enjoy her. That's not the biggest reasons. Yeah, those are on the list, but those aren't the main thing. I Say you get read a complaint out of the or the tone of your conversation and your marriage the whole tenor of your marriage will change And this young couple they look at each other Wow Okay, that's a different answer than we were thinking Well here in Proverbs 21 It says it's better to dwell in the wilderness 21 verse 19 Then to live with a contentious and angry woman Now it's interesting in the book of Proverbs. There's about 10 or 15 verses about women being complainers and There's about 50 verses about men being immoral You read Proverbs that men are immoral women can play like when I get with Solomon Solomon. I Know you had some unsettled issues in your life about this issue of immorality in your life And I know you had a whole bunch of wives and maybe that's affected your theology. I don't know how all that works He had 700 wives I'm not even gonna comment, but I want to say this lest you read this wrong men complain Greatly, this isn't it's not a something that's intrinsic to women and immorality is not just about men There are many immoral women. So don't make these two big list of Bible verses mostly about one gender verse another So this is brothers against each other this is a man with his wife he's complaining it's the wife with a man It's it's every kind of relationship. I'm going to talk about parents to children Parents to children. It's the same principle friends to friends. He said it's better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious angry woman Now the wilderness you might not really get this that means to live out in the wild with no resources and no family comforts No domestic comforts at all There's no air condition. There's no electricity There's no refrigerator. No food supply the wilderness. That is a really Ugly concept is what and Solomon means that he's not talking about a guy who is a skilled camper That's got you know 50 tons of equipment that he packs out there and lives almost as nice out in the wilderness as he did Back home. That's not what we're talking about Now I have a little experience of living in the wilderness Very little but I'm gonna tell you about it. I was 18 years old University, Missouri. I was zealous for the Lord I Read the verse Jesus went to the wilderness fasted 40 days. I told of course I told everybody I was gonna do it. I Learned It's better to tell people after you return than when you're going I'm going 40 days. I had a blanket a Jug of water. I thought I was just gonna ration the water. I didn't know how I was going. There was no water I didn't I don't even know I didn't thought through Went out the wilderness Bible Blanket jug of water me and God Moses part two. Here I come It's silly, but I meant it. That's the Never mind. I Go out there Okay, 40 days day one hour eight There's nowhere to sit I'm going like I'm tired, but I sit down right now that didn't feel good. I don't feel good. I don't have a pillow I didn't think about a pillow hour 18 Hmm. Okay. Ouch. Ouch bugs Snakes never saw them, but I knew they were there day two I only made it I say day three, but it was only like the first hour of day three So it's really two days, but I call it three days It was the most horrible experience I ever had You know, I came back in and my friends go. Oh, you're back off for a little 38 I go I made it three days. I mean two days plus one hours type thing horrible when I think of this verse that experience got a And I think Solomon he actually meant that he actually I mean he was talking about that He says it's better to live without the comforts and the resources of life Then they have all the resource and all the comforts but have contention in the relationship. It's more it's more Difficult to have the comforts and have the contention paragraph C Now we're talking about the issue of anger Now again, it's not angry women. That's what Solomon focused on an angry man. It's angry parents. It's angry children It's sincere parents, but they got anger in them in their raising of their children It's sincere children, but they have anger in them relating to their parents or their siblings. It's anger is just everywhere. We all understand that But here's what James tells us James chapter 1 verse 20 He goes your anger. I'm gonna add may be justified You may have a reason to be angry. You were really mistreated in your upbringing Really mistreated in that relationship in the marketplace in the church In the department at the ministry apartment. You were really mistreated in the marriage really mistreated by your parents You have a reason to be angry But James says, okay, let's give that to you, but I want you to know this It doesn't achieve God's purpose his righteous purpose for your life. You can be angry. You can justify your anger But your anger won't heal the relationship or fix the problem So he's saying shift gears Don't stay with the anger Strategy, I'm gonna let him or her know they need to know James says that's not going to achieve the righteous purpose of God The the heat the relationship will get changed. The man won't get changed the woman. Nobody will be changed or fixed What he's really saying is lay down that approach even though the anger might be justified and Go for the thing that's going to work and then throughout the book of James. He talks about it paragraph D David makes a most important statement He says as for the Saints They are the excellent ones in whom is all my delight Psalm 16 verse 3 as for the Saints They are the excellent ones in whom I delight now, that's a great verse Hanging out there all by itself Wow, you know put it on a big good poster But in the last 40 years, I have done a lot of study in 40 years on the life of David. I Just finished a 24 Session course on the life of David just last fall. I Tell you David's family his core leadership team David's friends. It was filled with betrayal weakness Sinful decisions. I mean, I know David's life a little bit and I go how on earth. Did you say this? Statement because he's talking about his friends his family and his co-workers on the leadership team They are excellent Wow Well, not according to 1st and 2nd Samuel they were not that great they were they were pretty flawed Their love was pretty deficient Some of the most loyal had such deficiencies in what they were doing that brought trouble to David Excellent you delight in them really How and I think the answer is I'm sure the I feel sure the answer is David viewed them through the through the lens that he understood God viewed David David says the Lord's given me such a good deal compared to what I deserve I Mean, but the Lord sees my virtues and my intentions far more than my failures David's failures they were serious but the Lord related to David and The Lord revealed his delight to David he saw the virtues now when we get into contention with somebody a spouse a parent a child a friend the annoyance of The of that's the they'll do something the it brings irritation or noise because it's annoying it becomes Center-focus for that for that period of time that short period of time Hopefully that annoyance is right there and it's but it it becomes the dominant idea in our narrative in that relationship They do this The Lord saying take a step back Yes, they did They do do that But look they do this virtue that virtue that virtue remember all the years all the virtues don't forget the virtues Don't forget the good they've done. Don't forget the good they've set their heart to do because it's natural in the moment to get caught up with the annoyance of the thing and David's saying I'm intentional about not allowing that To control the narrative of how I relate to that person and that's the most beautiful thing. I Love what my wife says she says I've heard her say this Different times and she'll say it again. She said this morning. It's so Powerful. She said and I wanted to say it again when she gets up here in a couple moments. She goes We judge ourself by our good intentions, but we judge others by their behavior We are gracious in judging ourself well, I did bad, but my attention was good, but we don't have that same standard when we judge others and I Love it that she has that revelation. I mean that really makes it easier for my life. That's a glorious thing Well top of page two I'm only gonna look at paragraph a and then I mentioned a few points on paragraph a then Diane will come up talk about it when I think about healing relationships or Relationship isn't broken, but it's new and it's gonna be strong. One of the number one issues is the issue of expectation Meaning most relationships don't have clearly defined expectations So even in friendships, I'm talking about close friendships I don't talk about every time you meet somebody but in my closest friendships with people in my family Family friends co-workers and co-workers are friends. I mean, it's all one reality in my world It's it takes time. It even takes some years To define the expectations. What do they what are they thinking? I'm bringing to the relationship and what am I thinking they're bringing to the relationship now You don't always know that on the front end. I mean nobody does but taking a little time To define that is will cause so many Tensions and conflicts to be avoided because so many of our conflicts in marriage and in friendship are based on Unfulfilled expectations, but I don't know they have them of me and I don't they don't know I have them of them the expectations so we collide whether marriage or friends family and My point is taking time to lay that out is huge totally important Young person asked me some years ago How did God tell you to marry Diane 38 years ago and My answer was totally disappointing to this young guy. I mean he was like Taking notes bright-eyed Mike. You're amazing kind of Wow. Tell me how did God tell you I said He did no, no, no, no, no, I mean how did God tell you I go He didn't Cuz why'd you marry her I go she was so cute. I figured I could just sort things out as we went He goes that That's a horrible answer. I go that is a horrible answer That is but it is true answer. I go. Oh, did oh My life could have been a disaster. I thought she's so cute. We'll sort it out as we go He said note to self. Don't go to him for marriage counseling He was so disappointed Well, the Lord was that is a disastrous way to go forward cuteness is cool, but it will not make a relationship good I promise you Takes a whole lot more. I have written here many offenses paragraph a many tensions much lack of trust Comes because we don't have the relate. We don't have expectations clear. I don't know what she's expecting and she doesn't know what I'm expecting So I mentioned last week I was 21 years old a pastor I went to this marriage seminar for four days you know 12 hours a day for like a hundred speakers and And I learned all this ideas about marriage because I'm a pastor a young pastor And I didn't know how to anything and so when I meet Diane a month or so after I go to the seminar I mean, I'm waxing eloquent with all this great insight. None of its proven. I can't even remember everything I don't like look at my notes when I told her all my great insights That I learned from that seminar, but one of them was this They said write down your expectations like what what do you mean writing down like what expectations? With your expectations these all marriages to do this Expectations related to the time you're gonna spend that means your schedule expectations on how you're gonna communicate Like when you're under stress and tension you're not gonna solve problems or you're gonna both be at peace Expectations on what happens when you're in a conflict or one of you break your word. I mean on small things I don't mean some big scandalous sin you break your word on you're committed to give the hour you committed to give the day you committed The hundred dollars the little nickel of dimes, but you didn't do it Write down your expectations before you have attention Where you're how you're gonna resolve that I thought I don't even really know what this guy's talking about I do now But I didn't then So I got together Diane and I said We're gonna write down our expectations She goes, what's that me? I had to look at my notes that I wasn't sure what it meant And we did it and we took time our our time together. We put it down We put it on our schedule now the minute you say schedule some people disconnect when I put down Time with my wife and then a few years later. We added our children on my schedule. It didn't mean it's some robotic commitment It meant this is so sacred That I'm not gonna let anybody touch this time and that's what putting time on your schedule is about It's not about being legal or robotic. It's about Valuing that time and when I put time down of our schedule and we worked on it together And as we had children I put I said this amount of time I will be home These days it's on the schedule. I won't do it a hundred percent But what I don't do it will communicate ahead of time or if I don't do it. I'll acknowledge it as a failure So that she wasn't left kind of in the lurches You know wondering when are you coming and nagging and Complaining and begging and wondering she wanted to know when what she could count on and that's what I learned from the seminar And it was really a quite important We did the same thing with how we communicate how we spend money how we decide to spend money When we were at peace We would talk about it and now I would write it down and the reason I wrote it down the guy at the seminar You know I'm 21. He's 60. He's old guy, and he said do it, and I just did it and she goes Let's do a week how we're gonna raise children We read a few books and we put down the principles we were committed to We wrote him so we could review it so we because we tweaked it all the time Changed it regularly, but we changed it together Now when I first sit down and talk to her What do you expect about time? About how we make money decisions about how we communicate about how we raise children's etc. Etc Well number one she didn't really know she knew some But am I in trouble you know that statement. I said that you're cute if I could make it But anyway We would write this down, and she wouldn't know she goes. I don't know I know a few I don't know them all and I didn't know and then when we started to figure out what we wanted in those five or six Areas, I would look at her. I go. Why do you want that? That's a weird thing to want and she would say why do you want that? That's a weird thing to want so are we had to work this thing together and we had to get the rhythms of our schedule, but we put time and Energy on it, and it's a very very important thing to do. I'm gonna give you Just a one two three four on things about Writing family agreements taking time to do that now you can do this with your children We did with our children to about how we would relate to them because when you write it down Again some of you think oh, that's just so archaic No, no when you write it down a couple things happen you get real specific because when I wrote down What I thought her expectations together. She goes. That's not what I said. I go well. Yeah Yeah, no, that is what you said She goes that isn't what I said when you write it down It's a remarkable how clear and specific it gets and you can start real simple and build it out over a couple years But also when you write it down. There's an accountability. It's there We would review it regularly and I go hmm. I guess I was in a real chipper mood when I wrote that one Wow, and we talked about even what? We would do if I didn't keep those commitments. I'm talking about the little ones the time and money ones I mean the I don't mean the big money was the little ones if I didn't keep them in My verbal or communication our words if I didn't keep them What did I commit to do and if I failed to follow through even on me repenting What should she do? We wrote all this stuff down We even had a family a couple an older couple that if we came to a can we didn't get connect on this We had an older couple we would bring them and they would arbitrate and they would help us think it through together It takes time to do that But I tell you it was one of us the wisest things I got from that marriage thing But it's more than marriage even friends now close friends. You're not gonna do this a lot But there's an element of this in real close friendships. Hey, let's talk. What what do we mean? I mean, I wouldn't do that the first time you meet him. I'd let a few years go by when you write that Understand you don't have to write it. But if you write it, it gets way more clear way more clear. You can adjust it You cannot but be at peace when you're doing it and be really great Gracious to each other when you're doing it as well One of the things she did so well and you got to do this is that when she was writing telling me her expectations She was doing it because I really want these things in time I want these things in and money these things in and in the way we communicate and She was so respectful of the pressures. I was under so that therefore I was it actually provoked me to be respectful of hers because I all day long She's at home with the children huge pressures. I'm over there and it's in that I mean, it's in that connection right there where a lot of good things happen. Okay? Yes, so, okay so I hope you guys that are drawing courage and hope from the Lord that you look at some of the Dorky ways that we started our married life and feel like wow if they can make it we can make it So good and he's merciful and yeah, we don't do it. All right, we don't do all this Haven't done it right and don't do it, right but seek to and you know, just I would like to just add You know about this whole family agreement Principle of having these agreements if you if we don't communicate then the only thing we can do is speculate If we don't communicate then we're left to speculate and that is never good and so we we we make assumptions about this person's intentions or Lack of follow-through or whatever it would be. So we really want to be purposeful intentional in our Communication and that's in a marriage or with a family or with friendships again We're not talking only about Mary some people at the end say all your time. I'm married. I'm not married No, we're talking how you relate to your parents your children your siblings your friends And so so yeah, so just being I think of an agreement and and we did write down our our Agreements one to another and it was it was about honoring each other. It was about honoring the Lord with you know with with with our expectations and and serving and wanting to love well And so I think of an agreement simply as a plan for success a success plan and in in business Or on the job, we all have a plan to succeed. We never walk into the job intending to fail that day we walk in with the intention of succeeding and we walk into our marriage with the intention of succeeding so why don't Mary just Glorifying the Lord and so I just think it's so why do you think a lot of marriages? I'll do that a businessman or woman will do it at the job They come home and they're just hoping for spontaneous Greatness to emerge, you know emerge with no clarity about what they expect from each other I think maybe just not not knowing how to or not knowing the value of doing it and so I got a question You're 21. I'm 21. So I come with all this great insight from that seminar What did you think the first couple years when we kept writing and rewriting? communication styles Schedules, did you like this or did it did you were you pressured by it because we got it wrong a bunch It was it was it pushed me in a in a good way and in a in a way it forced me to crystallize my expectations and not have ideals that could not be flushed out properly and but and it also Helped me to understand who he was and what was important to him because I wanted to be able to value what was important to him Well, like she'd say something like early cars, I just want to feel totally loved and cherished and pursued now what How am I gonna Jump over that ten foot like can we break that down like if I'm nice to you and I listen to you We got to break that down a lot more because I'm gonna fail if that's what we're doing right now What do you mean? Are you mean that book you read or do you mean the weak man you're looking at? The weak person that we're looking at wants to love well and just as you do and and there are certain commitments that can be made and are right to be made and the thing that I value in our Agreements as we've just you know walked through 38 years of marriage I value I Value the commitments that he does make and I've come to depend upon them I've come to to count on them that he does fulfill, you know The the commitments that he's made about the time commitments of us together with our family over the years absolutely, and and that has taken the angst out of my heart and it's I don't want to nag so when he does Fulfill his commitments then I'm not tempted to nag and even when I am tempted to nag I still have to own that before the Lord and and so you're nine and ten years old. So we've got this I'm coming home. I'm gonna put this amount of time. I put it on the schedule and I said I'll be home and I'll be Engaged in the boys these hours these days and other others besides but not less than this. How did you feel? delighted relieved Excited that we were doing this parenting role together and and Frankly, you know It was like just you know He would show up and our front yard our boys would be out there with all the neighborhood boys who were ready to play Soccer or baseball as Mike blew the whistle and they all headed to the field. I told my boys we'll do anything I what I committed to them. I said, I'll be home I'll give you three hours a day five days a week I did that for 12 years and I said, I won't let a leader coming in town a crisis an elder quitting the church blowing up I will be there for those three hours five days a week And so but we'll do what you boys want And so when they're five they want this when they're ten They want that when they're 15 they want that so I'd come home and I tell Diane hey come and join us and she said no I'm good. You could have them here. Take them. You're good. You're good. I said no come join us. No Partnership it's all about partnership and we were we were in this together and and it was it was a good thing now Everybody can't do three hours a day five days a week for 12 years But that I could because I could I had certain liberties over my job and I just that to me was something We decided as a family meaning she said this and I said that we worked on that for a few years to get that number and then the boys weighed in and But then that was then I told the leaders at the church because then I couldn't be there as much and then this and then That is so it's a work in progress. It's it was hard and we didn't do perfect one more thing I want to say is that when he didn't fulfill his commitment if He was 20 minutes late and these little boys were in the front yard and that that didn't that was not the rule But it did happen on occasion He would own that to the boys and and to me and and that is You know what that just takes the pressure off when when someone acknowledges that they're human and they failed you It's you want to you want to extend grace when someone refuses to acknowledge that they failed you and that they're superhuman Then it's that makes it a little more difficult. But thankfully we we had that Ability to acknowledge to each other that when we dropped the ball or we didn't do what we said We would do that. We you know, we're sorry, you know I'm human and give me grace because that's what we wanted from the other person and that's what the Lord gives us you guys when we go before him and just are honest with him and and Pour our heart out before him. He he washes us. He cleanses us He empowers us he builds us up so that we can go out there and give ourselves to our best intentions That we have see what we were talking in those early days. She goes. I want a schedule I can count on That's what I want. And I said like what does that mean? I don't want to wonder Part of the week and years Yes But I want a chunk of time that I don't have to wonder beg for or nag about I could count on Tell me when it is and I we worked on it and again We changed it a number of times and that kind of thing and it shifts every season You can't do what we did and I and what we did changed every season And so don't even look at it like some guys says three hours that I can't do that forget our deal You do your own deal. You got your own personality your own assignment your own tensions your own marriage Everything is different from but the Lord made this clear to us that this was doable But she said I want something I could count on I want something I don't have to wonder about and men I think you that's a great gift if you can give your wife Whatever it's time or a way you promise to commit communicate or about money about child raising You don't have to get it all clear, but the few things you get clear She can count on it that doesn't mean all this tensions gone But a whole lot of it is prevented and it's taken out of the way Yeah, absolutely. And and one more thing that just to throw into this whole communication Relational Conversation and that is that forgiveness is not optional. It is essential worship team. Come on up and so You know and Somebody asked Jesus. Okay. Do I have to do this like seven times Jesus and he said no 70 times 7 and you know in life you get that many opportunities to just continue to take your heart before the Lord and and Ask him to help, you know help you to again What he said was we judge others by their intent by their action. I quoted you you said it not me We tend to judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our good intentions and so We want to remember that Jesus judges us. So when I blow it you're gonna be nice to me because I want me to acknowledge that I blew it That's the key. That's it acknowledge you blow it and she'll be nice. I don't acknowledge you blow it It goes up a little bit. Then we call it another couple don't we're talking to so I just said I did bad and she Because we want our sins forgiven Matthew 6 says when we forgive someone else's sins the Lord forgives our sins I want my sins forgiven Therefore I have to forgive and the Lord will help me to do that and he will help you to do that as well Very good. Amen. Let's stand