A clergyman avoids drinking by pouring spirits out, showing wit and conscience.
A clergyman in one of the towns in the State of New-York, at the time when the protests against the use of liquors became somewhat earnest from the pulpit, one Sabbath delivered to his congregation a thorough discourse on the subject. On their way home, some of his hearers inquired of each other, "What does all this mean?" One gentleman, who professed some shrewdness of guessing, said, "I will tell you, gentlemen, what is the difficulty; we have none of us sent Mr. — any thing to replenish his decanter lately. And my advice is that we attend to the matter." Accordingly, on Monday, a full-sized demijohn of "old spirits," or "cogniac," was sent to Rev. Mr. —, accompanied with a very polite note requesting his acceptance of it, from a few friends, as a testimony of their regard.
Our worthy clergyman felt himself at first in somewhat of a dilemma. But wit, invention, and a good conscience, are sometimes found in close companionship; and they met in the present instance to help our good minister to "back out" of the difficulty. He took the demijohn to the watering trough of his stable, and poured some of the liquor in, and brought his horse to it. Pony expanded his nostrils and snorted and slowed at it, as though he thought it rather too hot, and seemed to say, "What's this?" Next he drove his cow to the trough, to see if she liked it any better. The cow snuffed at it, and shook her horns, and went her way, with no fondness for such a "villanous potation." Mr. — then carried his demijohn to the pig-stye, and called his pig out of his bed-room, to taste. Piggy grunted and snuffed, dipped his nose in and coughed, and went back again to finish his nap in his straw.
Mr. —— then returned to his study, and penned, in substance, the following note to the present-makers, with which he returned the demijohn and its contents:
"Gentlemen—With due acknowledgments for your present, received this morning, permit me to say, that I have offered some of it to my horse, my cow, and my swine, and neither of them will drink it. That which neither horses, cattle, nor hogs will drink, I cannot think to be either useful or safe for man to drink. I beg you to excuse me therefore for returning the demijohn and its contents; and believe me, gentlemen, your most obedient, &c."