03.08. VIII. Conducting A Funeral Service
VIII CONDUCTING A FUNERAL SERVICE
AMONG the many pastoral duties that of visiting the seriously sick, comforting the bereft when death shall come, and the conducting of the funeral service to follow is most important. No pastor should approach such service, therefore, without proper preparation in both thought and action. THE BEREFT FAMILY
Sickness and death are imperious calls to the pastor. —They present to him the one challenge where he must not fail. There is no time in the family life when a loved pastor is so longed for as this time of sickness and death. His presence, the consciousness of his sympathy, and the need for his quiet comforting is craved at this time as at no other.
If within possible call he should not fail the church family; and at almost any cost of time or expense in travel, he should reach particularly the intimate and official families when they pass through this most dreaded of all human experiences.
Some years ago I was in Charlotte, North Carolina, a night’s ride beyond Atlanta, Georgia, when one of the greatest and best officials that any pastor ever had, dropped dead on a Sunday morning, when, with the Sunday School lesson prepared, he was crossing the threshold of his own home to go to church and meet his class. Immediately, upon receipt of that news, I left Charlotte, reached home for the funeral, and when it was finished, returned to Charlotte to complete the engagement. It is not amiss to remark that members of that family are to this day among my best beloved friends and most efficient co-laborers.
Bereavement brings special pastoral opportunity.—To share with people their greatest sorrows is to come into a soul-communion with them, and to weave one’s life in with theirs in an almost inextricable way. The best friendships known to this world are those born of, and bred in, the fellowship of suffering. The man who will not fail you in the hour of your direst need is the one upon whose love and care you learn to lean.
It is my conviction that the average preacher but dimly realizes what impression is made upon children who, when they are passing through bereavement, find in the pastor a fellow-sufferer and friend; and it is equally my conviction that adults, whose age and experience have somewhat accustomed them to the depredations of the last enemy, do not suffer as deeply, nor become in consequence as profoundly impressionable, as do boys and girls when they give up a mother or father or grandparent.
Twice within a fortnight I have officiated at a grandmother’s funeral. No eyes were so red and no faces indicated the same anguish as that of the grandchildren in both instances. To prove oneself a counselor, comforter and lover under these circumstances is to hold young people to you forever.
Preparation for a funeral demands thought and care.—The average family calling the pastor, either at the approach of death or immediately after its event, will be facing a new experience. They will not have passed that way before, and in their sorrow they are often at sea, and know not what to do, nor how to do it.
It means much to them to sit down and quietly suggest, “Now if I can help you in selecting pall-bearers, in arranging music, determining the place for the funeral service, and getting off messages to distant friends and information to friends nearer at hand, I will be glad to render any service possible.” That will naturally lead to the discussion and the determination of those essential subjects. In these matters, while the pastor is to be sympathetic and suggestive, he must not even approach the dictatorial. Bereaved people have their preferences, and these should be instantly and sympathetically regarded. If they suggest the pall-bearers, don’t hint others; but if they do not know whom to have, then your help will be appreciated.
If they have a certain person they want to have sing, by all means consent to their suggestions. If they do not have such preferences, and ask you for a suggestion, then it is quite in order to make it. If they have a preference for a place for the funeral, don’t argue the point.
Once in a while someone passes away whose people think that the main auditorium of the First Baptist Church is the place where the funeral should be conducted; and while, to me, a small room, for a probably small audience, has in it far more comfort and cheer than a great unoccupied space, I do not debate that with people, even though it be winter time and the expense of heating the church is large. It is a time of such sensitiveness, owing to suffering, that one must aid, and not attempt to dictate. THE SERVICE ITSELF The Funeral Service is not an occasion of creating sorrowful emotions.—Among the changes that have come to ministerial service here, the last half century has marked progress. When I was a lad the preacher was supposed to make every funeral the medium of stirring to the depths sorrowful emotions.
Once when a student in Louisville, I agreed to fill a pulpit in Southern Indiana on a fifth Sunday, which happened to be an open date with me, as I was pastor of the church at Carrolton, Kentucky on the first and third Sundays of the month and at Warsaw, Kentucky, on the second and fourth.
I reached this Indiana appointment on Sunday morning. An itinerant minister who came to the community about once every two months arrived on the same day. Six weeks before, a member of this country church had died. There being no resident preacher, the body was buried, but the funeral was delayed until the itinerant should come. At the suggestion of the officers I gave place to him to preach the funeral sermon. Long before he finished I had decided that never would I conduct one after his manner.
He revived the memory of the suffering; he recited the deathbed scene; he seemed, to me at least, to tear open, with ruthless hand, wounds that for six weeks had been slowly healing. As I listened to the weeping of the entire congregation and the wailing of the family involved, I felt almost a moral outrage at the whole ministerial proceeding.
It was indeed akin in method to that adopted by a very queer man who was also pastor of a Kentucky church some twenty-five years ago. A friend of mine, at the close of a funeral sermon, involving an officer of a church he had formerly served, and for which service, he had been called seven hundred miles, complimented him on what he had said; to which this freaky preacher replied, “Yeah; I bored for water, and I got it, didn’t I?” The man reporting it to me said: “Instantly my respect for him was gone. I had imagined at the time that he was expressing something of his own compassion and attributed the emotion excited to that circumstance; but when I learned that it was an oratorical trick that motivated him, I felt a degree of disgust.” The Funeral Service is a call for the consolations of the Gospel.—Beyond all doubt, those great and multiplied passages of Scripture that relate themselves to the Resurrection, Immortality, and Heaven, were given us of the Holy Ghost as the divine panacea for bereavement. Let us then, apply them. The balm of Gilead is intended for breaking hearts.
Psalms 23:1-6 sounds the note of courage even in the shadow of death: “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil”
1 Corinthians 15:1-58, particularly 1 Corinthians 15:35-58, clearly sets forth the assurance of the resurrection-body of the believer; and that assurance is needed in the presence of death.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 adds to the resurrection the glorious fact of transfiguration and ascension, and the assurance of eternal fellowship with loved ones, and with Christ.
John 14:1-7 is a promise from the lips of the dear Lord Himself that our heavenly home is being made ready for us and that in the course of time He will gather us to the great and shining house of God.
Revelation 21:1-27 is a practical exhaustion of human language in the divine endeavor to describe the final residence of the saints and the eternal felicities that will be their never-ending experience.
How essential, then, that sorrowing ones should have these great passages laid to the hurting hearts as healing potions. The entire funeral service should move to the objective of consolation.—Such Scriptures as we have mentioned should be combined with music of consoling sort, with prayer for the divine help and the presence of Him who, in person, has already passed through this valley of the shadow, who even endured the pangs of death itself; and with a sermon that will point to an open Heaven and to the happiness and glory of the dear departed.
One dare not, as we have already suggested, tamper with the preferences of the bereaved people; but when they in all sincerity ask for guidance, it is my judgment and advice that organ music rather than the human voice looks definitely in this direction. There is a quality in the human voice that makes an appeal doubling and deepening sorrow; while in the music of an organ the same words of comfort are clear in one’s memory, attended by tones that naturally soothe and at the same time instruct.
It is possible, therefore, for a funeral service to accomplish the objective of comfort, consolation, the strengthening of faith, and the inducing of submission.
It is doubtful if Satan ever permits the passing of a loved one without attempting to create in the heart of the bereaved some sentiment of rebellion against God, as having been indifferent to our agonizing cries, or even cruel in His refusal to answer favorably.
It is profoundly important, then, to tide people past such a temptation, and bring them to see that even in the deep sorrows of life, God is still with us and His love and care are our chief consolation. THE BURIAL CEREMONY The funeral service should be brief.—A good order of procedure is the organ prelude, a Scripture lesson, involving such passages as we have referred to above, or, if one has in hand a pastor’s manual and cares to read from the Scripture passages therein applied, it is perfectly proper so to do, provided there are not too many of them. I should say two or three minutes, and never more than five minutes of Scripture reading should suffice. Following the Scripture a prayer that should express always our appreciation of the plan of salvation, the divine interest in the human soul, and the divine compassion toward the suffering. In this connection, it is well for the pastor, if it is possible, to know how many are in the bereft family, and whether sons or daughters, husband or wife, grandchildren, etc., not to mention each by name, for that is a dangerous experiment. If one is left out, as is likely, feelings may be hurt; but to pray for the bereft husband or wife, as the case may be, for the sons, if such exist, for the daughters, and the in-laws, and the grandchildren. In such cases where there are such immediate members of the family, it introduces an element of personal interest that is keenly appreciated. The prayer over, then music, preferably a hymn from the organ, such as “Nearer, my God to Thee,” “Lead Kindly Light” or “Safe in the Arms of Jesus,” or whatever the family may have suggested to the organist, or to you to be passed on to the organist.
Sometimes singers are ambitious and want to put in three or four numbers. It will be perfectly proper to suggest that music following each prayer is the common custom, thereby reducing the number to two. In fact organ music is to be preferred to singing.
After the music comes the talk which should never exceed fifteen minutes, unless the person is of great importance and more than one speaker is involved. The rule of a ten minute talk, with exception in proportion to the importance of the individual being buried, we regard as a good one. The talk should conclude with prayer, music following again, when the service is turned over to the undertaker to arrange for the viewing of the remains; or to announce private burial, as the family may have arranged with him.
Procedure at the grave.—Once at the grave, keep in mind that the whole service is intended for comfort. Anything, therefore, that tends to add to sorrow or distress should be avoided. There should be no second sermon at the grave, save in those cases where a funeral has been held in one city or country place, and the burial is taking place in another remote from it, there being different groups on the two occasions. Then, if the family desires, it would be perfectly proper to make another talk at the graveside. The length of this certainly should not exceed ten minutes; and, if the weather be severely hot or dangerously cold, the service should be greatly shortened.
If the same company attends the ceremony at the grave, who are present at the funeral service, then only a quotation of a short passage of Scripture is necessary, such for instance as the words of the Lord at the grave of Lazarus: “I am the resurrection and the life. He that believeth on me, though he were dead, yet shall he live again,” or “I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also”; or, “We sorrow not even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are dive and remain unto the coming of the Lord, shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, with the trump of God; and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are dive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words”:
Following a brief quotation from Scripture, without throwing any clod on the coffin, or making any suggestion of last view, lead in prayer. In the prayer, perform your burial service by saying: “Now, Lord, as we leave our friend (or loved one) to rest here in this quiet, beautiful spot, in body; remind us that “the spirits of the just made perfect” are with Thee, and so give to us an appreciation of the joy into which our loved one has already entered; the joy of Thy companionship; the joy of the heavenly home which Thou hast thyself prepared for him (or her); the joy of meeting the great company of loved ones who preceded him (or her) into that land of light and love; the joy of coming for the first time into the fuller acquaintance of angels and archangels, and of seeing the face of God in the person of his Son, Jesus Christ; and in this joy assuage our sorrows and comfort, as Thou alone canst, with a new sense of the unsearchable riches which He hath prepared for them that love Him” This obviates the necessity of the old formula: “Earth to earth, dust to dust.” The burial of fifty years ago was a cruel procedure. The grave was naked as a rule; nothing but a deep hole in the ground. The cemetery sexton took a spade full of dirt and ruthlessly threw it in on top of the wooden box with a clatter, and the preacher suited his words to the procedure, all of which wrung the hearts of the bereft.
Now the flowers, and other prepared coverings, removes from sight every particle of dirt; the grave itself is often lined with green, extending the beautiful landscape round about you down into the resting place prepared; and the coffin, instead of being lowered into the grave, in the presence of the family, is left on a level, or even above the ground, flower-covered and attractive, until the mourners have gone. In small villages and country places the preacher, by intimate fellowship with the undertaker, can often aid in these ameliorating appointments, and such should be both his purpose and pleasure. As for singing at the grave, discourage it to the utmost, without being discourteous to the mourners. If they demand it, don’t debate it; but if they ask counsel, say that it is not the custom.
If the family, after having asked you to conduct the funeral service, finds that a minister who was aforetime their pastor, or who is an intimate friend, is to be present, and want you to share the services with him, do it with the utmost graciousness, revealing gladness always to have such fellowship in service; and asking the family what part they would like this associate in the service to perform. If they insist upon leaving it up to you entirely, be very gracious in the division of time.
Make it the ride of life not to accept fees for the burial of your own church members.—You are the shepherd of the flock; you should never profit by their sorrow. Such procedure might raise the question as to whether you were glad or sorry at such a service. Furthermore, even with people of considerable means, death, often preceded by a long illness and large doctor bills, nurses’ and hospital charges, the cost of coffin, carriages and incidentals to burials, brings a large expense; and it is not easy, as a rule, for the family to meet it all. The minister who is a pastor should prove himself the unselfish friend in this hour of sorrow, ready to respond to every call and without the least consideration of cash return.
Money will often be sent to you and your temptation will be great to keep it because your needs are sore. In the end you will fare better if you practice self-denial, and return the same with a note of deep sympathy, assuring the family that it was only too little that you could do under the circumstances; and that you wish you might do more to brighten the dark hour for them, and to lift the load that rests so heavily upon them. In case of strangers, people who are nothing to you or your church, calling you for services, there is no objection to accepting the modest fees that may be offered you, but serve your own flock without money and without price. When the service at the grave is finished, if possible, have a personal word of comfort with the mourners as they are retiring to their carriage. Promise them, and keep your promise, to call in the near future. Sorrow’s hour is the pastor’s opportunity to bind to him with hooks of steel the hearts of the bereft.
OUTLINE OF CHAPTER EIGHT THE CONDUCTING OF A FUNERAL SERVICE I. THE BEREFT FAMILY a.Sickness and death are imperious calls to the pastor. b.Bereavement brings special pastoral opportunity. c.Preparation for a funeral demands thought and care.
II. THE SERVICE ITSELF a.The funeral service is not an occasion of creating sorrowful emotions. b.The funeral service is a call for the consolations of the Gospel. c.The entire service should move to the objective of that end.
III. THE BURIAL CEREMONY a.The funeral service should be brief. b.Procedure at the grave. c.Fee should not be accepted from one’s active church members.