03.07. VII. Performing A Wedding Service
VII PERFORMING A WEDDING SERVICE
ONE of the pleasant duties falling to the pastoral office is that of marrying people. The pleasure of this performance may be somewhat accentuated by the fee commonly attached; but certainly the true pastor will regard that attendant circumstance as slight, in comparison with his opportunity to render an important service to two people at probably the most eventful period in their existence.
Birth is important, but for that the individual involved has no responsibility. Death also is important, but here the individual is impotent. Marriage, on the contrary, is a deliberate choice, and the consequences of it contribute to life’s failure or success, as few other incidents of human existence. The pastor should be keenly alive to that fact, and, in speaking the words that make two of his young people to be one in interest, in reputation, and above all, in affection, he should realize both the gravity of the act and the high privilege of such a service. In the average church, people married by the pastor are his ardent friends, earnest co-laborers, and if need be, his ready defenders. The exciting emotions of this life-determining step are exactly such as give superior place in the heart’s affections to all of those who participate in the same; and, of course, among them the pastor fills an important function. He it is who speaks the mystic words that bind, or at least should bind, for life. There are, however, certain circumstances attending this ceremony of primary importance. THE PLACE The place of wedding will somewhat determine the exact procedure.—In church or home the ceremony naturally becomes a bit more elaborate than if performed in one’s study, or in some private room. Church weddings are the most ceremonial, as they are commonly attended by a crowd, and the show element is accentuated. Second to that stands a home wedding, especially when the invited guests are considerable in number and the event is made a real occasion. The influence that all this must have upon the ceremony itself and the complementary appointments, we shall discuss a bit later in this chapter.
There are three places common in such elections.—Those we have already mentioned, but we repeat for the sake of emphasis—the church, the home, and what is known as the private wedding—the ceremony performed quietly in the presence of two witnesses, or possibly a very few friends, in the pastor’s study or in a private place, such as a hotel room, selected by the contracting parties. It is not wholly unusual for young people to ask advice in these matters, and that advice will naturally be determined by the desire of the contracting parties, and the plans incidental to the performance.
If they desire the presence of a large number of their associates, the church should hold first place in pastoral suggestion. Beyond all doubt, a church wedding gives emphasis to the marital ceremony. Its spiritual sacredness harmonizes with the significance of marriage itself. People who propose to begin life with little or no recognition of God are extremely likely to make shipwreck of the sacred relation. On the other hand, those who look upon this step as not only the most important, but the most sacred of human acts, consequently feel the need of divine guidance, and find in the atmosphere of the Church House the very place associated with their own deepest spiritual experiences—a congenial environment.
Second to the Sanctuary, of course, stands the home, with its hallowed associations and memories. It is extremely common now for people to appear in the pastor’s office attended by no one, looking to him to call in even the needed legal witnesses; and, as they often suggest, “Get the matter over in a hurry.” This procedure does not suggest a deep conviction concerning the sacredness and seriousness of the step, and we doubt not that this quick and indefinite method links itself rather easily with the loose marital ties that often find complete release in a divorce court. The pastor, then, can, to the extent of his counsel and influence, impress the sacredness of marriage by favoring church and home weddings. The Ceremonials will be suited to the place itself.—In a church wedding, a somewhat extensive ceremony is both desired and desirable. It should be three or four times the length of that used in the privacy of a pastor’s study, or the parlor of the manse, and even longer than the service employed in the bride’s home. This is due to the fact that the congregation gathered to witness the ceremonies anticipate a service in keeping with the place where it is performed. They do not enter a church to stay two minutes, but commonly to spend an hour or more in a church service; and while only the high mass of a Catholic Church would think of retaining them so long for a marriage service, any thing much short of half an hour, including the musical numbers, instrumental and vocal, the processional, ceremony, and the recessional, would be regarded by the attendants as a kind of cheat.
It has not been uncommon to have brides say at the close of the practice ceremony, “Can you not make it a little longer than that?” Such a suggestion is almost as common as that which comes from the groom who consults you about a study-ceremony, namely, “Can’t you cut it short?” So we emphasize again that the place of the wedding profoundly influences the ceremonial performance. THE PRACTICE The practice for, and before the final ceremony, is a matter of importance.—Provided, of course, that the wedding is to occur in church or home. The entire program should be familiar alike to the pastor, contracting parties, and their attendants. In this there are a number of matters of somewhat minute detail. The organ numbers should be known to the pastor and their probable length understood. These in every case, are supposed to be the will and suggestion of the bride. If one or more vocal numbers are to be used, the rehearsal will acquaint the pastor with that circumstance and leave him in comfort of mind through the time of these preliminaries. The Processional is always a matter of moment.—It is the dress parade of life for both the bride and her attendants. There is a natural, reasonable gait for this part of the service. Uninstructed and non-practiced young people might easily speed that gait to the point of mirth, but by far the greater danger is that they will slow it to the point of absurdity. Here the pastor is looked to for direction, and can by very quiet suggestion fix the same. It will sometimes require not a single rehearsal, but two, three, and even four repetitions before all is at once satisfactory and sacredly rendered. The home wedding involves less care and ostentation, but if a large company of friends attend, here also a careful rehearsal is extremely important, lest some unsuspected failure on the part of some one of the wedding party should disconcert and embarrass. The rehearsal is commonly a day previous to the wedding.—Of course, in that matter the pastor consults the convenience and will of the wedding parties. It is not uncommon for people to come long distances to be important attendants, and the time of their arrival and the convenience of the participating parties must be consulted; and the pastor should, even though it be at a sacrifice of his own interests and engagements, meet, in a large measure, the convenience of these involved.
It hardly seems necessary to say that this should always be graciously done; with a smile on the pastor’s part, with a readiness to meet these suggestions, or even demands, so that it will leave no question in the bride’s mind as to the satisfaction of the whole arrangement. THE CEREMONY
There is no set ceremony of absolute form.—Each pastor is supposed to have his form of ceremony ready for such an occasion. Books along this line are a multitude and can be easily purchased by a young pastor, and at least one such should be in his possession before he is ever called to perform a marriage ceremony. He should have studied the ceremonies there suggested and decided upon one or the other of them to be committed to memory; or, following the suggestions, prepare what is to him a satisfactory service. My successor at Carrolton, Kentucky, was caught napping in this matter. He had just accepted the call when a young couple across the river on the Indiana side, called him to come over and speak the mystic words that would make them one. On the way across the river, he wrote down some meditations and read them to his bride-wife. She answered, “Well, Charlie, that is pretty good; but before you have another wedding you should study up on the subject.” When the moment of the mystic words was on, the Reverend Charles said to the groom, “Do you take this woman to be your true and wedded wife? Do you promise to love . . . her . . . cherish her . . . while life shall last?” He promised.
Then turning to the bride he said, “And do you promise to take this man as your true and wedded husband, and . . . and . . . and ... (in the meantime, trying to think of some different phraseology he finally blurted out, “and, to stick to him the rest of your days?” She blushed, but promised.
It was a lesson to Charlie, and he went home a bit humiliated, to give himself to the preparation of a fit wedding ceremony. A word to the wise is sufficient. Get ready!
However, the bride should be consulted on this subject!
Quite often she will not even wait consultation, but will modestly tell you it is not satisfactory; and, as before suggested, is likely to add, “Can’t you lengthen it out a bit?”
Ceremonialism has secured to itself a highbrow reputation in social circles, and its form of service has been heard by many a bride-elect; and often she inclines to the same, and since there is no moral or spiritual objection, it is best to accommodate her wishes.
Consequently I use a flexible ceremony, the form of which I give here for whatever it is worth, suggesting the omissions that naturally occur when the wedding is a small and private one.
FORM OF SERVICE (Supposedly in church or at well-attended home weddings)
“Dearly Beloved: We are gathered together here in the presence of God and this company to join together this man and this woman in the holy bonds of matrimony.” (This introduction can be left off if the wedding is private.)
“Marriage is an institution ordained of God when man’s estate was that of innocence and supreme happiness. We would naturally infer from our Saviour’s presence and the part He played at the marriage feast in Cana of Galilee, that He considered the act of matrimony well worth His own recognition; but when He selected the tie that binds husband and wife as a fit emblem of His relationship to His own ransomed church, He broadened and deepened its significance until there is no tie on earth so binding, and none so sacred, as that which binds man and woman in the holy bonds of matrimony.
“Such a relationship, then, should not be entered into thoughtlessly, insincerely, or indiscreetly; but advisedly, thoughtfully, and in the fear of God.
“If, therefore, it be your desire to be united in this holy bond, will you signify that fact by joining your right hands?” Then
“Do you, my brother, take this woman, whose hand you now hold, to be your true and wedded wife; and do you solemnly promise before God and these witnesses to love, cherish, honor and protect her; to forsake all others for her sake; to cleave unto her, and her only, until death shall part you?” “Do you?” To be answered, “I do.”
“My sister, do you take this man who now holds your hand, to be your true and wedded husband; and do you solemnly promise before God and these witnesses to love, cherish, honor, and protect him; to forsake all others for his sake; to cleve unto him, and him only, and him forever until death shall part you ? Do you?” To be answered, “I do.”
If the bride’s father is present to participate, then say, “Who giveth this woman to this man to wife?” To which he answers, “I do” (and then steps back to be seated).
Taking the ring, proceed:
“And this ring, you give to her as a sign and seal of the endless affection with which you will cherish her, and the unbroken fidelity with which you will perform to her the vows of a husband? Do you?” To be answered, “I do.”
Addressing the bride,
“And this ring you receive from him and promise to wear it as a sign and seal of the unbroken and endless fidelity with which you will perform to him the vows of a wife, do you?” To be answered, “I do.”
(In case further ceremonialism is desired, by the bride, I often add):
“I, Frank (or whatever the name might be), take thee, Katherine; to be my wedded wife; to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health till death us do part, and, thereto I plight my troth.”
Then turning to the woman: “You also repeat after me, ‘I, Katherine, take thee Frank, to be my wedded husband; to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us do part, and thereto I plight you my troth.”
Then, presenting the ring to the groom, I say:
“Place it on the third finger of the left hand and repeat after me: ‘With this ring I thee wed and with all my worldly goods I thee endow.’ ” Continuing:
“In consideration of these solemn and sacred pledges, I am authorized by the law of the State in your marriage license, and, by the law of God in His Holy Word, to pronounce you husband and wife. As I do this, let me remind you that henceforth you are one; one in interest; one in reputation, and above all things else, one in affection. What God hath joined together, let no man part asunder.”
Then comes the prayer. My own usual form is this: “Our Heavenly Father, we invoke thy blessing upon the union of these lives. We doubt not that Thou hast brought these two together, and we know that Thou hast taught them to love. Lead them now in the paths of Thine own choosing, and prosper them in all that they shall undertake. Remember also this circle of friends, and that much larger company who are interested in this hour and in this event, and grant to us all that when Christ shall wed His own Bride—the Church, we shall have place and part with Him in that festive time. We ask it all for His Name’s sake. Amen.”
Then, if in a church, or home wedding, the bride’s veil is pushed back; the groom is supposed to kiss the bride, and, if in church, the recessional immediately begins.
Young people should understand that while the processional is commonly a slow procedure, the recessional is not a race, but a brisk walk-gait as they retire from the church.
If the wedding be in the home then the wedding party simply face about to receive the congratulations of family and friends. In the instance of these congratulations, the family are accorded first place, the intimate friends second, and acquaintances finally.
OUTLINE OF CHAPTER SEVEN THE PERFORMING OF A WEDDING SERVICE Introductory words—Importance of the ceremony.
I. THE PLACE a.The place will determine the procedure. b.There are three places in common use. c.Ceremonials should be suited to the place selected.
II. THE PRACTICE a.The practice for the ceremony is of importance. b.The Processional is always a matter of moment. c.This rehearsal is commonly on the day previous.
III. THE CEREMONY a.There is no set and absolute form. b.The bride should be consulted on the subject. c.Form of service I commonly adopt.