02.11. CHAPTER 07 - DISCIPLINING OUR CHILDREN
CHAPTER 07 - DISCIPLINING OUR CHILDREN
"Teach a child to choose the right path, and when he is older he will remain upon it" (Proverbs 22:6 - Living).
"Discipline your son in his early years while there is hope. If you don’t, you will ruin his life" (Proverbs 19:18 - Living)
"A youngster’s heart is filled with rebellion, but punishment will drive it out of him" (Proverbs 22:15 - Living)
"Don’t fail to correct your children; discipline won’t hurt them! They won’t die if you use a stick on them! Punishment will keep them out of hell" (Proverbs 23:13-14 - Living).
"Discipline your son and he will give you happiness and peace of mind" (Proverbs 29:17 - Living). When it comes to correcting and disciplining our children we need much wisdom and grace. We must chastise them, just as God chastises us - in love and with compassion, seeking their eternal good. We should not leave all disciplining of children in the hands of our husbands. A weak school-teacher will always send a disobedient child to the principal for punishment. And children will not respect such a teacher - or such a mother. Our children will see that we are weak if we never discipline them ourselves - and then we will soon lose our authority over them.
We should also know what matters to correct our children for and what to ignore. One fundamental principle to be borne in mind is that their character is more important than any material loss. We must have a proper sense of eternity’s values ourselves. If our children are rude to us (or for that matter, to anybody), or if they tell deliberate lies, we must recognise these as more serious matters than if they merely broke some expensive item accidentally.
We must cleanse ourselves of all anger, impatience and irritation when disciplining our children. We must not punish them at any time in anger. I am sure we have all failed in this area in the past. But we can repent and ask the Lord for grace to correct our children in future, with love.
We should never give our children heavy manual work as a punishment. They should learn to work as a duty and not as a punishment. In the same way, we should not deny them food as a punishment - unless it be a luxury item such as a chocolate or an ice-cream. Children need good food for proper growth.
If we warn our children that we will punish them for disobedience in some area, then we must keep our word. Otherwise they will think our threats are empty - and they will lose respect for our words. But we can reduce the severity of a punishment if we see that they deserve a lighter one. We can even cancel a threatened punishment if we see that our children are sorry for what they have done. Even God Himself was merciful to Nineveh and canceled the threatened punishment when he saw their repentance (Jonah 3:1-10). God deals with us in severity and in kindness - and so must we, with our children.
Using the rod or the belt on our children is not the only form of punishment. We can also restrict them from playing or have them lie down quietly in their beds for some time. These actions too can speak to their hearts when they have done something wrong.
We should never punish our children unmercifully. We must not slap them on the face or injure them when disciplining them. Faces are meant to be stroked in love and not to be slapped. We should avoid using our hands to hit our children. It is better to use a rod when we punish them, as the Scripture says (Proverbs 23:13-14). Hands are meant to caress our children, thereby expressing our love for them.
Once our children become teenagers (above 13 years of age), we should avoid punishing them physically. If we have disciplined them between the ages of 1 and 13, there won’t usually be any need to punish them physically thereafter. So let us make use of the years when they are young, to discipline them and to train them in godly ways.
We should never discipline our children in the presence of others, since that will be disgracing them publicly - and that will make their punishment double. We must respect their dignity at all times. We could punish them for their failures privately. Disobedience and rudeness however must always be corrected at once. If we fail to discipline them in such matters, they could go to dangerous extremes that could ruin them as they grow up. And then it may be too late to correct them. Some parents punish their children publicly just to show others that they are strict in bringing up their children. This is seeking the honour of men and is evil in God’s eyes.
Both father and mother should be united in disciplining their children. If we mothers try to defend our children, when Daddy is punishing them, then we run the risk of destroying our children in the long run.
After disciplining our children, we must assure them that they are forgiven. We must also teach them how their mistakes can be corrected. But we should be careful not to remind them of their mistakes again and again. Some mothers do this, and that only serves to frustrate the children even more.
There are times when we should reward our children too. God Himself rewards us when we have denied ourselves in some area. When Abraham denied himself and gave Lot the opportunity to choose first whichever land he wanted (Genesis 13:1-18), God rewarded Abraham immediately. In the same way when our children have been good and denied themselves in some way, it is good to reward them. We could also give them gifts on their birthdays, or when they are sick, or after they have been hospitalised.
There can be times when we feel bad for having punished our children too much and then seek to make up for it by giving them some gift as a compensation. That is all right if done only occasionally. But if it becomes a habit, we will soon find our children losing all respect for the punishment we give them. It is better to reward them at some later time, when they have made an effort to be good.
It’s easy when problems arise concerning our children, to lose the sense of joy and wonder and gratitude to God that we first had when our baby was born. But we should never forget that it is a priceless privilege to bear a child. There are so many wives who have never had that privilege and who would give anything in the world to have a baby. So we must determine that we will keep our hand on the plough at any cost; and we must do our best to see that everything runs smoothly in our homes. God will renew our strength and keep us spiritually fresh, if we spend time with Him and maintain a close walk with Him.