04.08. The Marital Gap

The Marital Gap

Perhaps the second most difficult area in which to manifest real brokenness is in the husband-wife relationship. Once again it is a matter of acting unkindly toward those who are closest to us, while showing charm and courtesy to those we scarcely know. Too often we have to confess that we are devils at home and saints abroad. The Bible is realistic in anticipating the possibility of tension in the marriage relationship. We think especially of Colossians 3:19 :

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. The bitterness that can develop in a husband toward his wife is often so deep that he despairs of ever rising above it. Too often he simply gives up and seeks release through separation or divorce.

Take the case of Jano and Jinx. The first time they met, they both knew they were meant for each other. During the months that followed they were together at every opportunity. By the end of six months they were engaged, and the wedding was set for six months later. But as things turned out, they were married four months after their engagement. The wedding went off with everyone playing his part in the little game quite well. And for the first year things went fairly smoothly. Then one day they had a violent quarrel and Jinx released all her suppressed disrespect of Jano for what had happened before their marriage. He repaid her in kind. The walls quivered and the windows bulged. After that it seemed that their marriage was in hopeless ruins. Jano found that the bitterness he felt toward his wife was greater than the love with which he had loved her (2 Samuel 13:15).

Friends suggested that they see a Christian marriage counselor, and they did. But underneath they were as hard and unyielding as the bars of a castle.

Finally Jano applied for a divorce. But before the case came up in court, a Christian friend challenged him to try the way of brokenness. And the friend’s wife reached Jinx at the same time with the same message. Why not break before the Lord and before one another? Why not put the past under the blood of Christ and make a new start?

They did. It was the hardest thing that either had ever done. But they got together and made a complete confession. There was no hedging or self-vindication. It was as forthright a confession as one could wish for. Each one accepted responsibility for his part in their pre-marital sin. After tearful confession to the Lord, they covenanted never to reproach one another with this sin again. They claimed the promise of God that they had been forgiven (1 John 1:9). They gladly forgave each other for everything. And each one decided that he must also forgive himself. When they rose from their knees, an enormous burden had been lifted. They realized that there would still be a period of adjustment, but the nuclear cloud of bitterness and strife had dissipated. And they realized the necessity for continual brokenness whenever future problems would arise in the home.

Months later Jano put down the evening paper and commented how strange it was that people would spend time and money at marriage counselors and psychiatrists, and try any form of expensive “treatment,” but they would not try the way of brokenness. And yet without brokenness, the other things were largely ineffective.