Mike Bickle emphasizes the importance of cultivating healthy relationships, not just repairing broken ones, by focusing on the principles outlined in James 3:17. He highlights eight key responses that contribute to building godly relationships, including being pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy, and more. Bickle stresses that while we have a responsibility to foster peace, not all relationships can be restored, as healing requires cooperation from both parties. He encourages believers to approach conflicts with a spirit of humility and trust in God's timing for resolution. Ultimately, the tone and spirit of our communication are crucial for nurturing and healing relationships.

Session five on a series is our final message on this called restoring wounded relationships although this particular message could be how to cultivate healthy ones. It's not just the fixing of the negative but James chapter 3 verse 17 is one of the premier verses in the bible that give us insight on how to cultivate healthy relationships uh in a marriage and i'm going to focus a bit on that this morning as the application but also uh between parents and children children and parents among friends in the marketplace the leadership team to the people that they serve and give leadership to and there's many different applications to these eight facets of relationship that are highlighted or eight responses that build godly relationships that are highlighted here in James chapter 3 verse 17. Well just a review real quick of a couple points from the first four sessions on this series Paul says in Romans 12 that if it is possible as much as it depends upon us we should have live in peace with all men and what uh Paul's uh saying there's two points I want to highlight here is that the bible gives us makes it clear we have a significant responsibility in cultivating godly relationships and even healing relationships being a part of that we don't just trust the lord and and take a step back and let him do it but we are actively involved in participating in that and another point that Paul could uh highlight here is that not every relationship is restored there are marriages of which one party does all eight of these things we're going to highlight in a moment and the other one just refuses there are situations where parents they are operating in these facets of uh of relational values and communication style but some of their children i'm talking about more uh teenage and adult children simply don't respond so just because there's there's a broke broken relationships it doesn't mean everyone is fully responsible in that breaking so it is possible to do your part and not to end up right but in the most part if you'll do your part healing will begin to happen and again in a separate context is that even just relationships that aren't broken this verse gives tremendous insight into how those relationships are cultivated and brought to wholeness and health okay paragraph b jesus uh gave us one of the most foundational principles in restoring a relationship that's the appeal appealing to your brother now again this could be husband wife parents children friends to friends men women women to women etc and what uh jesus says we've gone over this over and over but he says if we have something against somebody go to them and make an appeal but he also says if they have something against you you go to them and make an appeal so whether you're troubled by them or they're troubled by you on both situations jesus says go make an appeal to your brother and so if only one of the two believers in a conflict obey this then the healing process starts but we are called to go on both accounts whether they troubled you or you troubled them take the initiative and go to them now uh many believers neglect this command of the lord and the result is there's many uh lost opportunities to heal relationships because they simply won't go to their brother they'll draw back and ask the lord to go to them or they'll whisper to a friend and ask a friend to go to them but the lord says no i want you to go to them in the proper way in the proper spirit etc we've looked at that in the last number of sessions paragraph c one more point of review the bible teaches us that also another foundational response in addition to going to our brother is that we trust the lord that he will intervene in his time in his way in the conflict and when we do our part he will intervene and he will help in various ways and so we trust the lord we commit the relationship to the lord while we're making the appeal so it's two points it's not one we don't just trust the lord but we trust him while we make the appeal we don't just make the appeal but we trust him while we're doing it because if we make the appeal without interacting with the lord without a sense of confidence we end up making the appeal with an agitated spirit and we're anxious and we're mad and we're we're unsettled and we're appealing but we're not at peace in our heart and so these two foundational principles make the appeal and look to the lord and entrust the situation in his hand know that he will in his time in his way he will intervene righteously in a right way and do the right thing okay roman numeral uh two james chapter 3 verse 17 now we're going to look at the passage here the main passage there's eight different responses that are that contribute to healing a relationship but that's only one way to look at this again this is a eight facets of a diamond i mentioned that in the last session it's like one uh it's a communication style it's the spirit of the relationship being described here like eight facets on a diamond and it's really talking about the tone of the communication in a relationship if the tone of our communication or the spirit of our communication which is the same or the attitude in which we communicate i'm using those synonymously if the tone of our communication is not right then the relationship will get injured eventually more times than not the tone or the spirit of how we communicate not just to solve a problem but even just the ongoing nurturing of a relationship is really really important it's not only what we say it's how we say it a matter of fact how we say it is oftentimes more important than what we say and so uh this is a this verse uh james 317 is absolutely critical to relationship building in every marriage seminar i would encourage uh uh that this verse would be is i i think of this verse as marriage seminar 101 i would think every marriage seminar needs to have james 317 in it every parent uh child racing seminar needs to have james 317 in it every friendship building seminar every leadership seminar should have james 317 because if the tone or the spirit of the communication whether a leader a parent a friend a spouse if that's the tone of that communication is a kingdom tone a kingdom response the chance for health and healing is very very uh very good and if it's not the chance for injury in the relationship is uh very great so paragraph a james identifies these eight kingdom responses now these are responses that are pleasing to god these are these kingdom responses promote the kingdom and uh by the way every one of the eight are contrary to our normal human response that without the grace of god touching us we don't respond in these eight ways naturally matter of fact they go very opposite of our natural response all eight of them but the good news about these eight is that this is how god responds to us i mean when we read it let's look at verse 17 think of not just how you respond to people think of how god responds to you in these eight ways in our weakness and in our brokenness verse 17 of chapter 3 but the wisdom that is from above or meaning the heavenly wisdom versus the earthly wisdom that he talked about the verse before he says the biblical perspective or the heavenly wisdom this is god's perspective first in a conflict that's the context in a conflict respond first in a way that's pure the number two that's peaceable number three that is gentle number four uh that's in an attitude that's willing to yield number five that's full of mercy number six it's full of good fruits number seven it doesn't have any partiality no double standard in it at all and number eight it's completely genuine there's no hypocrisy at all it doesn't present itself one way but in another setting it isn't it is the opposite of how it's being presented now again verse 17 is how god relates to you and i in our weakness but that's not the real point here the real point is he's saying in a conflict let's look at marriage let's look at at parenting parent to children children to parent and when the children are uh teens and adults this becomes very very uh very very relevant even when they're young it is but even more so as they get older in the development of friendship in the development of leadership over your the people that that you employ etc the team that you lead in ministry these are the eight responses that are absolutely critical okay paragraph b let's look at the first one james says first of all be pure now he adds that word first be pure he goes this is the primary priority because in many ways the the next seven responses flow out of this first one uh in some ways pure could almost summarize the next seven but uh uh i'm making a distinct one in and of itself as well he says uh you're to be pure now to be pure i i uh highlight two different applications uh of being pure first have pure motives and second have a purity of perspective or pure insight in other words the word pure means the absent of mixture or the absence of distortion so james is saying right off the bat as you're approaching this relationship the first thing you want to take account of in your own heart is are your motives pure meaning are you seeking the good of that person or are you seeking to be helpful to them with a servant spirit because that's the kingdom lifestyle to be helpful to people with a servant spirit now we all know that we're supposed to seek the good of people and we all know that the kingdom lifestyle is to be helpful with the servant spirit we all know that but in the every day uh day in and day outness of familiar relationships it is real easy to lose sight of that particularly in a marriage relationship or parent and children it's real easy to lose sight of the fact that i am supposed to be responding in a way that's helpful with a servant spirit and we lose sight of that and we get caught up into the heat of the relationship and conflict of agendas or opinions and yeah but and what about and uh what james is saying is first from the very beginning slow down take account of your heart recommit to good motives recommit to actually be helpful with a servant spirit to your spouse to your children to the friend not just be dialoguing to get them to do what you want take the different posture and again we all know that but it's like oh just in the everydayness of relationship that you're familiar with that i'm familiar with it's like yes of course of course uh i need to refocus and i read i need to uh refocus on this reality james says sign up again for a pure motive but it doesn't stop there there's another application they having a having purity related to having the right perspective having the distortion and the mixture of our perspective uh taken out of the equation to where we see the people involved in the conflict uh from god's point of view now uh paragraph one having this purity of perspective of purity of of uh insight purity in the way we perceive ourself in other words in the verse before in verse 14 james said hey you know part of the conflict is because you have self-interest and he goes if you will own your own self-interest in the conflict even though they might be causing more problem and doing responding in a worse way than you are there is some self-interest that you have that's part of the conflict and part of the pain you feel if you will own that have a a pure perspective instead of a mixture and a distortion that's going to go a long way but another thing he's saying is if you will see the person with the right perspective as well have purity of your perspective see the troublemaker from your point of view that guy is the troublemaker or the spouse or the child or the parent see them from god's point of view and god's point of view is that they're not just somebody who causes trouble in a situation for us that from god's point of view they have uh virtues they have nobility they have dignity they have value they're not just annoying you right now there's a bigger storyline related to who they are and who they are to god and who they are to you and of course we know that but in the rigor of the conflict we lose sight of that and we and that's part of uh of our commitment to purity purity of motive but also purity of of vision clarity of vision seeing the person in the right way because if we see the person in the right way it's far easier to respond to them in the seven ways described later on in the verse now in psalm 16 verse 3 this is one of those standout verses that really stand out in the theology of king david king david 3 000 years ago was king of israel and this is what he said i mean what a perspective that his grace paradigm of how he evaluated people says as for the saints who are on the earth they are the excellent ones in whom is all of my delight i mean what there's so many uh implications to this verse first of all david says as for the saints who are on the earth in other words not the saints in heaven while they have a flesh and blood body and they have brokenness and weakness in their life he goes even in their brokenness they are called the excellent ones of the earth now when you look at david's life this is a pretty remarkable statement because david's leadership team had was fraught with brokenness and all kinds of negative dynamics and he had a betrayal he had sin in his main leadership team over the years and all kinds of negative and the same in his family he had all kinds of negative dynamics in his family and yet those that are closest to him david says i view them as the excellent ones of the earth and i have delight in them i mean what a what a remarkable perspective it didn't mean that david couldn't see the negative in them because when you read his life story in first and second samuel he clearly saw the negative in those that were a part of his leadership and those that were a part of his family but he saw more than their negative he saw the good they decided that they said in their heart to do he was grateful for what they did in the past not just the failures or the faults they had in that moment and that was one of david's remarkable grace responses to people and in this idea of having a pure perspective uh if we can see people not just as the spouse or the child or the parent or the friend or the worker that annoys us continually but as a fellow believer they're part of god's family we'll be best friends with them for millions and millions and millions of years they are dear to god they love god they do well they do many good things though they have possibly many faults but they still have many virtues as well and so right off the bat the first response is pure so we line up to pure motives we line up to purity of perspective and then we have a chance to respond in the next seven ways according to how james describes here in verse 17 now number two a point i've like i've made many times over the years that in a healthy relationship and in healing a wounded one uh i like to talk about the 10 to 1 ratio and that's not an exact number that just gives you a sense of things that we need to invest in a relationship with 10 positive affirmations to every one correction that we give and if we make more corrections than we have positive investments uh that relationship is going to get injured pretty quickly if there's more complaints more accusation more outburst of anger against that uh particular person that person no matter how good the relationship begins parent child husband wife friend to friend worker that relationship is going to get injured uh in the months and years to come in a pretty substantial way now uh particularly in a family context we really need to do about a 10 to 1 it's not exactly i could count the numbers up and after you give them 10 positive statements you you get to give that one you've been waiting for that's not exactly how it works but we cannot drive a 10 ton truck of correction over a bridge only equipped for five tons a relational bridge we have to have equity in the relationship so well we're married i got equity in the relationship you can be married but no longer make positive deposits in the bank of your relationship those those deposits need to be ongoing we'll say hey you know they're they're my sons and daughters they're my children they're my friends from childhood if you don't make ongoing positive installments or investments that relationship will get injured over time and so we're not just seeing what they do wrong but we're grateful for what they've done right we're grateful for what they long to do that they haven't yet done that's all part of seeing them as the excellent ones uh in the lord's presence in which we can have delight so we can have we can be troubled by an area in their life but have delight in the relationship because we understand we see them from the big picture so that's uh i spent most of my time i want to i mean put more time on the first one uh first of all be pure and that's because james uh highlighted it with the word first be pure that's the biggie and now let's look at the next seven responses just take a minute or two on each one of them top of page two second response he goes be peaceable now again in context he's talking about restoring relationships with conflict but don't limit it to that because this these responses again they're they're uh this is marriage 101 this is parenting 101 this is friendship development 101 leadership development 101 in our the tone of our communication or the spirit of our communication needs to be peaceable we are to respond paragraph c in a peaceable way now the most natural thing to do when something wrong happens when they do something wrong the most natural thing in our flesh is to is to respond with accusations like you always do this wrong why are you doing this how come you can't and you do this and have an accusation or a complaining spirit or anger those are really all uh overlap all those things do or sarcasm uh to answer with sarcasm the tone of the communication has sarcasm i want to say this sarcasm has no place in the kingdom of god it really doesn't has none to uh uh try to correct somebody with a agitated heart with a a bit of an angry tone with sarcasm if we do that when we do that we need to always repent of that that is that is absolutely has no place in the kingdom of god so when we stumble in that we own it we admit it we uh ask forgiveness for it and then uh the injury that is created by sarcasm or anger can actually be alleviated or avoided by owning it when we fail because when i look at these eight uh responses i mean i blow them so many times over the last decades i go wow but it's not a matter of how much we blow it it's will we sign up to obey the lord and respond in these eight ways and will we war against the opposite of these eight in our own heart and if we will we are in the pathway of doing this thing right and the lord is pleased with us now our natural i'm paragraph c still our natural temptation is to answer accusation with an accusation you know maybe the husband accuses the way gives an accusations you know you're just always this way you're always that way how come you're that way and then the most natural thing is for the wife to give an accusation back yeah but you're always that way if you started that if you only one minute in the conversation it's already way out of balance way out of balance holy spirit red alert red alert stop stop do not pass go no stop ghost back to zero and start this over again because you're already in the pathway of going to injure the relationship even ever so slightly but that injury will begin to grow over time the other temptation is to answer sarcasm with sarcasm that is again we don't want to do that now it's biblical to point out deficiencies in relate in the in other people that we're in relationship with it's helpful to point out deficiencies the bible doesn't say don't see that they're doing wrong and never point it out the bible just says do it in the right spirit at the right time do it in the right process yeah do point it out but not with uh anger or sarcasm you must operate in a peaceable spirit now i have a continue here in paragraph c oh when a solving resolving attention or addressing attention in any relationship but i'm going to highlight again the marriage or i'm going to highlight parents with children it's it's important it's essential it's not just better it's essential that both parties have a calm and peaceable spirit before you have the discussion to address the conflict in other words it's very common we all understand it you know i get troubled and i want to go tell my wife i'm troubled i'm troubled and i'm in the midst of it and i just start talking that's the wrong way to do it well diane and i made a decision 37 years ago before we were married because we we heard it in a marriage seminar that uh we would wait till we were both at peace with a calm spirit that we both had a happy spirit before we addressed the conflict that we have of how we're bothering or troubling one another and that's a something by the grace of god we've held to for 37 years it was one of the smartest points of advice i ever received and i got it in a marriage seminar and we thought it was pretty cool so we said let's commit to it and so uh you know i you know soon after the marriage it wasn't uh long afterwards i bothered her imagine that and uh so i bothered her and so our commitment was okay let's try this principle out we're not going to discuss it right now because either she's bothered or i'm bothered by her being bothered how many of you know what it means to be bothered by her being bothered like what are you bothering again not anyway you only laugh because you're late but anyway uh so we have a time out and say hey we're going to discuss this but husbands this is not an escape hatch this is not hey you know she's giving me a little free room here maybe she'll forget our commitment was i will bring it up several hours later i will bring it up and uh i committed to to do that so this isn't kind of an avoidance escape hatch this is this is just a ability to operate in a peaceable spirit now it's the same thing with our children we cannot correct our children verbally we cannot correct our children in a time out or a swat and i believe the bible talks about giving a swat by the way i just want to make that real clear today in our culture that's but it is biblical uh uh spare the rod spoil the child is a biblical principle and so i'll just slip that in right there but uh the point i want to make is is that when disciplining our children uh whether verbally or a time out or or a loss of privilege or a swat whatever it is that we cannot do it without being in a peaceable spirit i mean if we do it's a violation of the of kingdom principles we have to be in a calm spirit and we need to wait to our children are say wait our children are wait a second i'm mad i told them three times they won't do it and i just if you do that which is very normal to do you need to apologize to your child for doing that not for the correction but correcting without having a peaceable spirit this is absolutely kingdom of god 101 this is relationship building 101 that we operate with a peaceable spirit when we're giving corrections or pointing out any deficiencies at all and the optimum is for both parties to have a peaceable spirit now again i've i've blown this over the years blowing it isn't the problem as long as i own it admit it after i blow it because if you admit it the injury of the relationship can be avoided by owning it and taking responsibility and asking forgiveness for it so having a a peaceable spirit so the man says well wait a second you know she is my wife they are my kids i can do what i want to do and the lord says well not exactly because she is my daughter not just your wife and matter of fact you're my son yeah you both belong to me before she belongs to you and those children in your house they are mine not yours first i've given you a stewardship they're mine and we cannot uh neglect and abdicate biblical principles simply because of the familiarity of relationships in our home like well it's my wife and they are my children i can be carnal if i want to be i can be fleshly the holy spirit says no you have to be a man of god mostly in the context of your wife and your children not only but mostly there that's not the one kind of you know uh safety zone you know uh where you can go be carnal and fleshly because nobody sees no this is big operating in a peaceable spirit while pointing out deficiencies or blind spots or corrections is absolutely essential let's look at a paragraph two continual complaining makes others what a drawback from the relationship if uh somebody is complaining regularly and it's not just pointing out a deficiency here or there but a complaining spirit that's different than pointing out something that needs to be corrected again that's biblical and that's helpful to do that but uh somebody that's complaining regularly the friend will draw back the child will draw back particularly if they get in their teen years and their young adult years they will draw back from that relationship the spouse will draw back now i've watched this over many years of uh pastoring near 40 years and the young couple they fall in love and they have so much affection and adoration and i mean they just nothing could ever go wrong but they tolerate complaining at a small level against one another and accusation they accuse each other some sarcasm some venting and they don't own it as sinful they don't acknowledge it and ask for forgiveness but they just do it it's kind of normal i've seen that affection and that relationship over a few years fade away i mean it happens every time uh the point being when there's accusation and complaint and sarcasm in a relationship may take a few years but the affection will fade away and go away eventually before time before too much time i mean it may take a couple years but it really will point being this is not a peripheral point that is kind of optional this is absolutely essential that we take this seriously in all of our valued relationships uh solomon said here proverbs 21 verse 19 it's better to live in the wilderness than with a contentious woman or an angry woman that complaining woman is the idea contentious means angry i mean means complaining he said i'd rather you know lose all the comforts of home live out in a tent then confront complaining in my own house is what he was saying uh proverbs 19 verse 13 he said a complaining wife is uh like continual dripping now uh solomon makes this point seven or eight times in the book of proverbs he wrote proverbs king solomon and uh but this principle is not limited to a wife because you might read it and say man solomon do you have a problem yes he had probably had 700 wives i mean the poor guy he way overdid it over here so he had a whole boatload of troubles over there that's another story for another time he literally had 700 wives i mean that's he had 699 too many and so uh but don't look at this as what a wife thing this is some husbands are complaining sometimes it's the parents towards the children both parents are or it's the adult children back to the parents or friend to friend or or boss to employee employer to employee etc etc uh this is a very very important principle solomon says here in chapter 19 verse 13 that a contentious wife or a or a complaining person in a relationship is a better way to say it is a continual dripping and this continual dripping some bibles translate it like a dripping faucet that's the complete wrong idea this is not a dripping faucet because they didn't have running water 3 000 years ago when this was written there were no pipes and dripping faucets what a continual dripping meant a a leak in the roof roof roof ceiling and uh that meant a leak and that meant water damage to the entire house what solomon was saying is the continual dripping will destroy everything that your life is about your whole home all your belongings he was not whispering hey it's a little bit annoying like a leaky faucet he's saying no this is a home destroying problem in other words red alert red alert red alert big issue not little issue if this issue is not solved your home will be destroyed like the leak in the roof that's coming down and the whole water damage throughout the house and so uh that's uh that's solomon's approach to that okay let's look at paragraph d number three response is to be gentle is that this is the quality of being fair and generous in our communication uh paul and galatian six talked about having a spirit of gentleness when we correct somebody a spirit of gentleness and having a generous gentle spirit when we're pointing out corrections but look what j what uh paul says also in galatian six he says considering yourself he says not only do you have a generous gentle spirit when you're pointing out the air to a brother also look to yourself include your own weakness in the dialogue when you're confronting the brother the sister so in a practical way in a marriage if the husband is pointing out something and the wife the husband is gentle spirit and look to your own deficiency and even bring that deficiency into the conversation so it's not you the all-knowing perfect one who is uh correcting poor weak confused wife who can't get it that's the wrong spirit entirely but with gentleness and generosity looking to yourself bringing your own weakness into the dialogue that's a very very important part of the uh of the spirit of the relationship it says here in paragraph 1 proverbs 15 a soft answer or many translations say a gentle answer the word gentle is used it diffuses anger it turns away wrath a if so there's anger the husband's angry the wife is angry the children are angry a soft answer a gentle answer brings the anger level dials it down it diffuses it but if you give a harsh word and you have a harsh tone you answer back with sarcasm you answer back with accusation you think i'm bad look how bad you are the anger will ratchet up it will go up a few notches it will stir and it will fuel the anger and i tell you it's time to stop the the conversation and say listen let's come back in a few hours and husbands men of god take the responsibility whether it's with your children or with your wife stop the conversation say listen we're going to bring this up because we don't have a calm spirit and say you don't have it don't look at your wife's like because you don't have a calm spirit again don't do that that that doesn't work i know for a fact that didn't work okay number uh paragraph e the fourth response be willing to yield now that be willing to yield this is a kingdom response that means being eager to listen that implies listening eagerly so uh being willing to yield but you're not only going to listen you're going to actually change directions because the the uh the very word yield means you're going to stop going one direction and go the opposite direction so you're you're in a conversation and they point out a deficiency in your life your wife does your child does your friend does your employer does your employee does whoever you're just in a ministry context they point out a deficiency you know you're a little bit defensive and you're not very good listener instead of instantly what well how dare you no james says no no go the other way go the other way listen take your foot off the pedal put your foot on the brake slow down listen with the mindset that you're going to go the other direction you're going to get on their team and say okay help me see where i'm not a good listener help me see where i'm not helpful help me see where my attitude is wrong and james saying if you're willing to do that that will change the whole spirit of the conversation and not only that the whole spirit of the relationship paragraph one this talks about being open-hearted the willing a teachable being easy to persuade don't make it hard on your spouse or child or parents or friend don't make it hard on them to persuade you to see a deficiency get on their team and say help me see the deficiency that's called willing to yield and then actually change directions that's what yielding is about go the opposite direction or at least have it in your heart though the eagerness to do that now may be that their counsel is is not helpful at that time but your attitude was eager to hear it and that's what uh james is saying if you have that attitude you're going to have healthy relationships top of page three this uh willing to yield paragraph three is the opposite of being close-minded combative resistant entrenched in your ideas i'm not going to hear any deficiencies from you woman i'm not going to hear them i'm i know that i'm not wrong horrible the that's opposite of the kingdom of god but it's the very opposite response that we're having like to your children to your friends help me see my deficiencies and the willingness to embrace the change okay let's go on to paragraph f response number five being full of mercy now this includes acting in a with generosity in a generous way towards people who mistreat us even if they intentionally mistreat us again whether it's the marriage the family the friends many times there's a betrayal element sometimes with friends the guy really meant to undermine you he really lied about you on purpose to hurt your reputation and james says uh in that context when they even did it on purpose respond to them in mercy that doesn't mean that you trust them because you can be merciful without trusting the person because when trust is injured you can be kind and generous but that's not the same thing as trust restored so you can be kind to an enemy matter of fact matthew 5 44 jesus says do good to enemies be kind to them they're not repenting they're not admitting anything they're they're matter of fact they're intent on hurting you and yet we can be kind to them don't promote them don't make them the head of your company don't uh trust their leadership but certainly have a generous and kind uh disposition towards them again this is how the lord is towards us in all of these ways the lord responds to me and my brokenness this way i mean what a glorious relationship that the king of all kings treats us this way but it's not only that we get treated this way and that's glorious this is how our hearts get set free this is how relationships get restored this is how other relationships grow healthy that have never been wounded by responding in this tone and this spirit of uh of communication within the relationship okay number one being full of mercy doesn't require their perspective of the conflict is 100 accurate meaning i've been in restoration meetings with people i've had a broken relationship an injured relationship with a friend and they tell their side of the story we have an arbitrator and by the way i highly recommend getting arbitrators you get a third party that asks questions that you too would not normally ask or a third party that doesn't let you interrupt each other or a third party arbitrator that offers a different perspective that neither of you would have thought of i highly recommend arbitrators whether it's parents with children husband wife friends with things are stuck get an arbitrator arbitrators are called peacemakers that's a biblical virtue uh that doesn't mean you you're so messed up you now need an arbitrator no it means you're wise enough to bring somebody in that can ask questions that neither of you would have thought to ask and that arbitrator that peacemaker is really an important function in the kingdom so uh i've been in arbitration meetings where the guy says well what's your side the story and the guy told his side of the story was so different than mine i couldn't hardly believe it that we were in the same conflict but the point is we're tempted to say i will forgive him and give him mercy i'll be merciful if we agree with the same story and the lord says no even if you don't agree even if their perception is totally different be merciful again that's not the same thing as trusting them that's not the same thing as promoting them but have a kind disposition even if they don't change that will free your heart beloved that will liberate you even if they stay in a wrong position of responding in a wrong way towards you now let's look at a paragraph four it says mercy triumphs over judgment mercy triumphs over judgment then what way does mercy triumph and not necessarily uh in the first meeting you have mercy triumphs but overall over the course of the months and the years mercy triumphs one way your heart gets liberated even if they don't change and they're still against you your heart gets liberated if you have mercy towards them number two often the healing process begins because you responded in mercy even though they didn't you did and the healing begins the healing is slow but it begins mercy is triumphing number three your merciful response to their wrongdoing it inspires them to be merciful and righteous and all of a sudden they repent and now they have courage and inspiration to respond right james says over time mercy wins every single time uh even if they don't uh even if they don't respond to your mercy there are victories that happen if you stay merciful okay paragraph g now having said that it's important to know that because there are folks that are in abusive relationships and they'll hear this message and they'll that the kind of person that's abused by somebody in a wrong authoritative relationship they'll hear this and they're like so open to repent so they'll hear this okay i'm sorry they'll walk right back into that abusive relationship and submit no this is not for you don't i'm not talking to that small percent right now this is a these are responses in another context of everyday relationships being healed this is not how an abused person should subject themselves again to an abusive leader that's not what we're talking about here okay number a paragraph i the sixth response is full of good fruits and the point here and you can read this a bit on your own is that it we need more than a sentiment of mercy so we have the reconciliation meeting and there's a we agree to mercy but then outside of the meeting it's a week or later or a month or two later the guy it's in the marriage he doesn't he doesn't follow through with actions he doesn't own in actions and words what he agreed to in the reconciliation time now there are times we're going to agree to all act one way and just in our weakness we're going to blow it and uh we don't honor what we agree to but as long as we own it we admit it we tell this our spouse we tell the friend we tell the the adversary hey i blew it i said i wouldn't do that and i said it all i didn't mean to do it if we own it the injury of that relationship really is minimized or even avoided altogether if we will own it when we don't follow through with good works good fruit top of page four number seven let's go about two more minutes here number seven without partiality without partiality this is very important when there's no double standard in your judgment and what uh james is talking about here is that it's easy it's easy for us to have to be greatly offended by how a person who bothers us is acting when we're doing some of the same things they're doing but we're easy on ourselves but we're harsh on them james says don't have a double standard or we're easy on a friend that's bringing blessing to our life you know some guy gives you a you know a great financial gift gives you a million dollars and but they're doing the same thing the person you're troubled that's doing they don't tell the truth fully they don't keep their word fully they don't do things right but hey they gave me a million dollars you know what i think you're amazing and i don't follow through on everything i say and i don't always tell the truth but hey i'm gonna be easy on myself james says if you find it able to be easy on yourself and the person that blessed you the adversary lighten up a little bit don't have a more harsh standard against them than you have for yourself so in other words give them grace they're broken weak people like you are so have no partiality then the final one we'll look here in paragraph a don't have hypocrisy in other words be genuine be sincere you're at the reconciliation time the husband and wife you have the the arbitrator the peace maker person the pastoral person whether it's a friend or another couple or the husband or the the parents and the children they're having that time together and there's an arbitrator or friends or employer employee whatever and you agree okay i'm gonna show kindness i'm gonna show mercy this is how i'm gonna do it and you appear to be kind and benevolent and uh what james is saying don't be hypocritical don't show yourself kind and benevolent in front of the one group but over on the side you're putting the brother down you agree to give him mercy you agree to support him but over here you're not being genuine you're actually two-faced about it and it's not just that you stumbled and you confess that you have no intention of of uh showing yourself as kind and generous in the way that i mean of actually following through being kind and generous though you show yourself that way so james says be genuine don't be hypocritical don't do reconciliation for show so you can tell everybody that you forgave them and how kind you were but behind the scenes you're actually still uh speaking negative or doing wrong things to that brother or in that marriage or to that family member etc so james is saying these eight responses you do them your heart will be liberated you do them relationships will be restored not every time but many of them you live in the in the spirit of this your relationships and friendships will be healthy even if only one of the people of the two do it there's many good things that take place amen and amen let's stand