01.16. CHAPTER 16 - LOOKING BACK

CHAPTER 16 - LOOKING BACK

Looking back over my past life, I find myself full of thankfulness to my Lord and my Redeemer for all that He has done for me.

He has made me who was once an insecure girl, now a daughter of God and a possessor of perfect earthly security as well as eternal security in heaven.

Living with Prakash and his parents, these past few months, has taught me a great deal. As I have already told you, I never enjoyed a happy home atmosphere in my childhood days. Now I can see how living in a happy home is far better than living in a hostel. In a home, one has to learn to give and take. Living together, we rub each other more often and then it is easier to get irritated with each other. I have had to learn to forgive, as well as to ask forgiveness, again and again. I also had to learn how to address those older than me by their proper, respectful titles in Hindi.

I had to learn how to share everything I owned, with everyone in the home. I had to learn how to receive an unexpected guest whom Prakash suddenly brought home, and how to miss my meal in order to set something before him!

I also decided that everyone in the home would get an equal share of all the dishes I cooked - especially the good ones. I never took a special helping for myself. But if it was Prakash’s favourite dish, I would give him a sample to taste in advance - because he always complimented my cooking!!

I had to learn how to stay up at night, to care for a sick parent, at times. I have had to learn how to adjust with others who are different from me. But in spite of all this, I still prefer living with Prakash (even in a home that is not fully my own) than living anywhere else. The main thing I am learning is to "do everything in love". Then even when I make mistakes, they are not serious in God’s eyes.

I have come to admire Prakash. He is very hardworking and he loves the Lord and he loves me. So we are both supremely happy. We go for a walk every evening and share our day’s experiences with each other. I look forward to that, every day! At times, we have arguments - like all married couples. But we have tried to keep them from getting out of control. I know that God has called me to be a helper to Prakash and not just a "Yes-woman". That’s why I tell him my opinion quite frankly. But having given him my opinion and the reasons for it, I then leave it to him to decide whether to accept it or not.

I can see how different I am from him. The little things that bother me so much don’t seem to bother him at all. This may be because I am a woman and he is a man!

We tease each other and laugh together often! When we can do that without hurting or humiliating each other, then we know that our relationship is really healthy! Our life together has actually been great fun!

One day I sat down and made a list of all the things that were specifically my own problems and asked God how I could cope with them.

I was lonely and homesick frequently - ever since the day I first left home. These bouts of loneliness and homesickness would usually appear whenever something upset the regular daily routine of my life. But as I came to know God more and more as my Father and Mother and Friend and learnt to tell Him all my feelings and asked for His help, I found I was able to handle my loneliness.

I was very fearful. I was afraid of the dark, afraid of people, afraid to face the future and afraid of many other things. I was even afraid I might die, when I worked as a nurse attending on patients who had deadly diseases. Then one day I saw how many times God spoke the words "FEAR NOT" in Old Testament times to the men He loved and how often Jesus said the same words to His beloved disciples. I saw these words both as a command as well as a word of comfort from a loving Father and Friend. I keep reminding myself of that again and again. The Lord drives away my fears, either as soon as they come, or after I have struggled with them for a while.

I also had a bad habit of crying for no reason at all or because of some silly matter. I see now that such weeping was the result of self-pity. The Lord assured me that He would wipe away every tear of mine. I thought much about a song that I had learnt in the hostel, when I was a schoolgirl:

"He [Jesus] had no tears for His own griefs,
But sweat drops of blood for mine."

Over the years He has helped me to get over this habit of "crying" too and to be more concerned about the sorrows of others.

Insecurity was another big giant in my life and manifested itself in many different ways. It made me very possessive of my friends and my property! I wanted desperately to be loved by others, and even resented it if my friends loved others. I wanted their friendship exclusively for myself. I saw this attitude in me, even when I was in the hostel. I knew that this attitude was wrong, but I could do nothing about it.

After I was married, I found the same possessive attitude towards Prakash. I could not tolerate even his relatives being close to him. I would justify that saying that Prakash was now mine. But I have come to see that my attitude was wrong. How could I expect my husband’s mother to stop loving her son just because he married me? I enjoyed others showering their love on me. How selfish it was of me then not to allow Prakash to enjoy the love of his own relatives. Perhaps this was another of those traits found in women, that I had to overcome, as a child of God.

I also saw a great craze in me to buy things. I thought Prakash would not like me spending a lot of money or that he might not see the need to buy something which I felt was necessary. So I would at times buy things without consulting him. But being naive and simple, I was often cheated by the people of that town. Then I realised that it was better to do my shopping along with Prakash and buy any expensive item only with him. At times, I hoped he would buy me some clothes of the latest fashion. But I saw that such cravings were born from a desire to impress people, and I repented of it. I had to put away worldliness and to stop hankering after worldly fashions. I also needed to learn how to share what I had with others poorer than me. Then God would give me all that I needed - even if I didn’t get all that I wanted.

Sometimes I would retain an anger towards my mother-in-law and would not talk to her for a long time. I resented her advising me and her critical comments. My silence was my way of taking revenge. I now realise that such silence can at times be even worse than an outburst of anger. I asked the Lord to help me overcome this sinful habit. I saw that it was when I was careless in my daily walk with the Lord that I fell. When I realised my sin, I would ask the Lord to forgive me and ask my mother-in-law to forgive me as well. As an offshoot of my insecurity and my possessive nature I found that I was jealous of other women who talked to Prakash. I knew very well that he was not interested in anyone other than me. No-one could be more faithful than he was. Yet my possessiveness made me jealous. The Lord taught me that it was wrong to accuse Prakash in this way or to be suspicious of him, and thus make life difficult for him.

Perhaps it was because I had known that my own father had been unfaithful to Mummy, that I reacted in this way. Or perhaps, this is how all women are! But then I thought of how often I myself had to talk to many men, in my work in the hospital. What was wrong with that? I realised then that it was my attitude that needed changing. How patient Prakash had been with me!

I remembered the advice my mother had got from the lady we had visited when I was a small girl. She had told Mummy that even if her husband was unfaithful to her, she must forgive him and show him so much love that he would be drawn to her by the power of that love, just as iron filings are drawn to a magnet. Thus a wise wife could keep her husband from many pitfalls.

One day a man was admitted into our hospital who was dying of cancer. I heard that, while he was working in another city away from his family, he had fallen into sin and had had a child through a woman there. His wife, who was a true believer, brought him to our hospital and cared for him until he died. I discovered that she later befriended the woman her husband had sinned with. She even adopted the little child born to that woman and brought it up as her own. She told others that she loved the child because it was her husband’s offspring! Only Christ could have done such a miracle as this - to make a human being so loving and forgiving.

Such examples challenge me to be a loving wife to my husband too.I have learnt that the greatest need in marriage is to endure in love until the end. Love covers a husband’s shortcomings and failures, overlooks his mistakes and does not bring to mind his past sins.Every time I read the love chapter (1 Corinthians 13:1-13), I feel I am miserably short of God’s standard and realise that I have a long way to go. The only light that shines in the darkness of this world is the unchanging love of God. God has loved me so greatly. Thus He has placed me in debt to all around me, to share His love with others who come across my path.

Love, I saw, was the greatest thing in the Christian life. But my human love was totally unreliable. I saw the need to be continually filled with the Holy Spirit, so that my heart could be filled with the love of God.

I know that God, Who did not spare His own Son for me will also with Him freely give me ALL THINGS - all through my life.

What a wonderful salvation I have received.

I was an outcast from my earliest days, but I have now found such grace from the Lord that I wonder at times if there is anyone happier than me, in the whole world.Some of you may wonder how I could possibly be so happy, when I am living with my husband’s parents, with no home that I can call my own. It is only because I have found my happiness in the Lord and not in my circumstances. "Godliness with contentment is great gain".

I’ve met many Christians who never seem to be happy and I know the reason now. They have unsatisfied earthly longings. They feel they must have one thing or another, and cannot do without it. Thus they become restless.

I remember vividly what I told the Lord on the day I was baptized in the Holy Spirit: "From now on, I will desire nothing on earth but Thee, Lord Jesus" (Psalms 73:25). I check my heart frequently to see if I have kept my word. When I find that I have backslidden, I repent and renew my promise to love the Lord with all my heart.

Thus far, the Lord has preserved me. I believe He will preserve me in this devotion to Him until the end of my life. My experience has been according to my name. I have found "grace upon grace".

I want to give all glory and honour to the Lord Jesus.

"Jesus my Lord, I bow in full surrender,
For Thou hast purchased me on Calvary;
Now I am Thine, and Thine alone forever,
And Thou my portion for eternity."