A Higher Standard For Practical Christian Living
The Fundamental Principles of Courtship
Article from: http://www.jopct.com/
In the words that follow is an attempt to evaluate and explain what is believed to be Biblically sound models for the proper identification of a godly spouse. These conclusions have been reached by combining wisdom choices with clear Biblical commandments. In seeking to illustrate these points, they are totally useless without much prayer and the true leading of the Spirit of God. While an attempt is being made to illustrate and defend some general guidelines, ones own conscience must bear witness of the truth of these principles through study, prayer, and oneness with God. May the Lord guide us in all of our pursuits with wisdom and truth.
In considering how one should go about the proper identification of a spouse, there are two basic principles by which the vast majority of mankind goes about this task. Those seeking to follow the standards set by the world for the institution of marriage generally pursue the common course of trial and error under the umbrella of dating. In contrast those seeking to truly secure a permanent life long commitment in accordance with the precepts and commandments set forth in Gods word tend to follow the principles set forth and modeled in a godly courtship under the oversight of their parents and mature believers.
Courtship Versus Dating
The concept of "dating" is simply a temporary means to practice or experiment with the emotional and physical bonds reserved by God for the permanent institution of marriage. This practice is a subtle device of the kingdom of darkness to usurp the design of God for the permanent institution of marriage. Dating consistently leads to fornication, frequent separations, and unforeseen rejection of one party in the relationship by the other. In the vast majority of cases, it is the female member that suffers the greatest physical and emotional harm from such a practice. Further the perpetual building up of ones affections only to have them severed repeatedly, prepares one for divorce more so than it prepares one for marriage. The practice of dating also creates needless opportunities for unwanted pregnancies and the contraction of sexually transmitted diseases. In the majority of these ills, the results can never be reversed.
In contrast, "courtship" is a Biblically sound means of honoring the Lord in identifying a lifelong companion. Courtship involves only mature believers who are prepared for marriage, preferably with the assistance of their parents, seeking to identify a lifelong companion without violating those practices preserved by God for the institution of marriage. Courtship honors Gods design for marriage by limiting all emotional and physical contact prior to engagement and preserving the most intimate of that contact until after marriage.
The Kingdom of Darkness at War with the Kingdom of Light
The reality is that we live in a world dominated by two kingdoms: the Kingdom of Light and the Kingdom of Darkness. These two kingdoms are radically opposed to one another and there is no indifference or middle ground. As a result there are only two lines of thought in the world: God's truth and the world's deception. The task for the true Christian is to trust in Gods revelation--the Bible--and to continue faithfully along the path of righteousness as best prescribed in Gods word. When the Kingdom of Darkness inserts ungodly means and institutions they are generally presented in a most favorable manner so as not to spark immediate attention. This is the way of darkness as evil subtly shows its ugly face with much patience. With this in mind, the true believer has to consider every action and course in accordance with the light of Gods word. When this is properly done, the ills of dark paths become very obvious. As we explore the topic of a godly courtship please keep in mind that objections to this practice will be many by those opposed to true submission to the wisdom and commandments of Gods perfect and holy word.
Qualifications for Marriage: Physical, Spiritual, and Material Security
In considering the principles of a godly courtship, the first criteria for consideration is the proper qualification of one considering marriage as an option. These qualifications include the necessity for physical and mental maturity, spiritual maturity, and the ability to adequately provide for the material needs of the family.
One must be of adequate age with the necessary mental capacity to meet the expectations of a marriage partner. In the case of males, one should never consider marriage as a viable option for a man under twenty-one years of age. There is absolutely no need for males to rush into the responsibilities of a family. The mental stress, material demands, and spiritual needs of a family are very great. As the head of such a union, these responsibilities are not to be taken lightly. The idea that a male has the maturity to enter such a commitment prior to the full age of adulthood is very dangerous. One need not take on such a commitment hastily. In most cases, parents are the best judge of whether a young man is adequately prepared to assume the responsibilities of his own home and parents should always lean on the side of caution in giving their blessing. In the case of females, there are very rare exceptions when young ladies may be prepared for marriage prior to the age of twenty-one. Females who have been reared in very godly homes where an emphasis was placed on developing home making skills very early on may in some rare cases be prepared for marriage prior to the full age of adulthood. Again the parents are the best judge of their offsprings capabilities and maturity level. As a rule, females should also be at least twenty-one years of age before considering marriage although there may be rare exceptions to this conclusion.
In addition to physical maturity, one must also possess a genuine saving faith and the spiritual maturity to faithfully fulfill their duties as a spouse before considering marriage. This is a very critical issue as it is not always clear whether young adults truly have a personal relationship with the Lord. In many cases, young adults have grown up in Christian homes where they are accustomed to regular church attendance, daily reading of the Bible, family devotions, and the practice of morally correct behavior. However, the continued adherence to such practices is not evidence of a regenerated heart. One must make every effort to ensure that they truly have a personal relationship with the Lord before considering marriage and work even harder to ensure that the person they may consider for marriage also has a true saving faith. This is where the assistance of parents, or someone highly regarded for their walk with the Lord when parents are absent, can be of the utmost importance in helping to evaluate whether one is simply practicing religion or has a true saving faith. Once one is thoroughly convinced that saving faith is present, one must also confirm that the potential candidate is willing to adhere to the Biblical mandates for husbands and wives. Saving faith without full submission to Gods word can be an equation for destruction.
Another qualification for consideration of marriage is the ability of the male to provide for the material needs of a family. We must be realist in considering this subject; love does not feed, cloth, and house a growing family. No matter how attractive a young male may otherwise be, if he has not proven his ability to provide for all of the material needs of a family, he is not qualified for marriage. A man must demonstrate the ability to gain and manage the resources necessary to provide a home for his family independent of outside assistance. Further he should never consider living with parents or other relatives as an option for his new family. This is not in keeping with his responsibility for the proper stewardship and headship of his family. Without exception, the male must develop and prove his skills in meeting the financial needs of a family before considering marriage as a viable option.
The first step in the proper pursuit a lifelong partner is to ensure one meets all the qualifications for marriage. One should never even consider courtship as an option until each of these qualifications has been met. The neglect of any one of these qualifications can have a very detrimental affect upon the relationship and the viability of a lifelong commitment. Furthermore without exception, parents should never allow their youth to enter into any personal relationships with members of the opposite sex. Be not deceived, the idea of teens being involved in a long term courtship before they meet all the qualifications for marriage is nothing less than dating.
A True Courtship Requires Strict Adherence to Biblical Models for Identification of a Spouse
Once the qualifications for marriage have been thoroughly met, the next step in identifying a godly spouse is to take a close look at what the Bible prescribes for marriage. First and foremost the Bible commands us to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. This is a very clear commandment fully supported by both the Old and New Testaments. For one to pursue the lifelong companionship of an unbeliever is to make one of the most dangerous decisions available to a believer second only to non belief itself. Sadly in many evangelical circles pastors have married the converted to unbelievers in the name of physical companionship without regard for the great spiritual detriment of such an action. Believe it brethren, God is not mocked. Such violations of clear commandments by the people of God will not be taken lightly by our Redeemer. I will not dwell on this any further as it is an issue already settled by God in His word. I will seek to spend more effort defending those principles that are not as clearly defined.
Attracted to Ones Relationship with the Lord Versus Outward Appearance
One can not pursue a courtship until a potential candidate for marriage is identified. In identifying a potential candidate, the initial attraction should be an attraction to that individuals walk with the Lord. In other words one should be attracted to the most godly person one can as a potential candidate for marriage. If ones primary attraction is based on anything other than the candidates walk with the Lord, the relationship is already on shaking unstable grounds. Parents please encourage your children to identify and appreciate the characteristics of godliness at a young age. This will warrant your modeling these principles and highlighting them in the lives of others versus highlighting other characteristics such as appearance, education, or wealth.
Initiating a Courtship
A courtship should always be initiated by a man and ideally involves the parents of both potential candidates. After much prayer, ideally a young man seeks the advice of his parents (if they are believers) concerning a potential candidate before ever taking any other action or revealing his interests to anyone else. If the female candidate is known by the males parents he should ask his parents advice concerning their discernment of her walk with the Lord and potential as a spouse. If the potential female candidate is not known personally by the parents, this is an opportunity for the parents to discuss why he feels this potential candidate for marriage is a godly example. If a male is not blessed with believing parents, he may seek the advice of a pastor or very mature believer as a substitute for the oversight of the parents. If the parents (or godly substitute) are confident that the male is qualified to marry and the potential female candidate is a godly example, they may give their blessing to the pursuit of a courtship.
Upon earning the confidence of his parents, the male candidate or his father may proceed to contact the father of the potential female candidate to express the interest in her as a potential spouse. At that time the father of the potential bride must evaluate whether the interested party in his daughter is qualified for marriage. This evaluation may be immediate or it may take some extended period of time. The potential male candidate must submit to the discretion of the females father as to how long this evaluation may take. The father may then pass this invitation to enter a courtship on to his daughter or withhold this information if it may be deemed to be a detriment to his daughter. He is responsible for her well being until she enters into marriage and must make decisions in her best interest. While withholding such information is not highly recommended it may be necessary in some cases. The father of the potential bride can pass the interests of the young man on to his daughter with a recommendation as to how to proceed. This should include an evaluation of the young mans walk with the Lord by the father and advice on a wise course to follow. If the father and potential bride concur that both individuals are fully qualified for marriage and a courtship is appropriate, the father should inform the young man of this decision and the limitations prescribed for the relationship. Again in rare cases when the situation dictates, a pastor or mature believer may be substituted for unbelieving parents or in the case where parents are not present. Also in very rare cases when extraordinary circumstances prevail, the male may approach a female directly with his desires, especially in those cases when the female no longer resides with her father or the two are very mature adults. Even in cases where the female no longer resides with the father, it may be very beneficial for the male to express his interest to the female through a pastor or mature believer if possible.
A Commitment to Remain Physically and Emotionally Pure
Upon entering into a courtship, the primary goal is to maintain purity. In all cases, initial visits should be in the presence of family members or a group of mature believers when family is not present. This can be accomplished in conjunction with a meal or other activity and should focus on getting to know one another on a very cordial basis. The reality remains that even when following the principles of a courtship, there will be times when the two candidates will conclude that marriage is not an option. For this reason, efforts should be made to keep emotional ties at a minimum and avoidance of all physical contact in the early stages of a courtship. This can best be accomplished through the safeguards of having others present at all times.
While some will argue that the commencement of a courtship is fact an engagement to marry, I disagree. I do believe that the intent of entering such a relationship is in fact marriage but reality warrants some measure of time to ensure that the two candidates are compatible and their walk with the Lord is genuine prior to a formal engagement. In cases where the two candidates do not have a long knowledge of one another (they are not of the same local church or did not have a historic association), the initial stage of courtship may entail a longer period of time than that of those who may have previously known one another. In either scenario, I do not believe that a courtship should continue beyond 6 months without an engagement to marry.
Courtship Culminating into Engagement
When the two candidates in the courtship with the blessing of their parents agree to marry, the period of engagement should be kept to a minimum. Once a man and a woman agree to the lifelong commitment of marriage, a natural bonding occurs and physical desires for one another will magnify immensely. In spite of those attractions, we are called upon by God to honor His commandments and maintain physical purity. In as much, the engaged couple is not encouraged to be left alone as the flesh is very weak. While they may be permitted to attend church together or social activities, it is encouraged that they not be left alone in any environment where their temptations may overwhelm them. Surely a young man engaged to marry should have opportunity to share private time in the living room, on the porch, or in a public place with his future bride although there is no need to carry her off to some distant private environment without the safe guards of others prior to marriage. Certainly it is not an issue of trust but an issue of understanding the magnitude of the feelings that this young engaged couple will have for each other. If in fact they properly maintained their purity up to this point, they are now bursting with desire for one another. All of the emotions that those in the dating scene have so freely shared with every insignificant passer by during years of inappropriate relationships is now coming to a head and directed towards their mate of choice. An extra effort to protect these young hearts from the excessive temptation which now exists will be cherished for a life time. Safeguards against their finding themselves in a totally private environment may sound quite harsh in some circles but it is honoring to the Lord and He is pleased to bless such a union when He is put first. There will be hopefully years of opportunity for the young couple to share private personal moments together after marriage vows are made. No one should fear such safe guards to preserve of purity of this young union.
Conclusion
Without a doubt, following the principles of a godly courtship in seeking a marriage partner is not a guarantee that there will never be shortcomings in such an effort. Couples pursuing this course of action have fallen to the same ills described under the practice of dating. There have been cases of fornication prior to marriage and separation and divorce after marriage among those who made every effort to follow the principles of courtship. However, without exception, these shortcomings following courtship have been very isolated. When one truly honors the Lord in this area of their life, He is faithful in rewarding their efforts with the blessings of a godly home.
The reality is that the pursuit of a godly spouse is probably the most critical decision that one will ever make second only to ones personal walk with the Lord. Ones spouse is either going to build them up and encourage them in the ways of the Lord through obedience and submission or lead them to complacency and worldliness. To pursue the worlds method of dating in making such an important decision is to depart from that which is clearly consistent with the ways of wisdom to follow the path of folly. The concept of a courtship emphasizes maturity, responsibility, and integrity. In contrast the concept of dating clearly promotes instability and immorality. While there have certainly been exceptions to the rule and small numbers who have built lasting marriages after dating, this has clearly been a result of God's mercy rather than the wisdom of the practice.
The writer begs every one involved in the identification of a godly marriage partner for themselves or their offspring to thoroughly consider the Biblical means for this most important decision. To err in this process at any stage can have a devastating affect on ones life that can never be reversed. Please make every effort to fully honor the Lord and His word in following that path which leads to eternal life and the spiritual health of future generations to come.
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