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The Journal of Charles Wesley
May 1 - August 31, 1738
Mon., May 1st. Mr. Piers called to see me. I exhorted him to labour after that faith which he thinks I have, and I know I have not. After receiving the sacrament, I felt a small anticipation of peace, and said, "Now I have demonstration against the Moravian doctrine that a man cannot have peace without assurance of his pardon. I now have peace, yet cannot say of s surety that my sins are forgiven." The next and several times after that I received the sacrament, I had not so much as bare attention, God no longer trusting me with comfort, which I should immediately turn against himself.
For some days following I felt a faint longing for faith; and could pray for nothing else. My desires were quickened by a letter of Mr. Edmunds, seeking Christ as in an agony.
Sat., May 6th. God still kept up the little spark of desire, which he himself had enkindled in me; and I seemed determined to speak of, and wish for, nothing but faith in Christ. Yet could not this preserve me from sin; which I this day ran into with my eyes open: so that after ten years' vain struggling, I own and feel it absolutely unconquerable. By bearing witness to the truth before Miss Delamotte, Mr. Baldwyn, and others, I found my desires of apprehending Christ increased.
Thur., May 11th. I was just going to remove to old Mr. Hutton's, when God sent Mr. Bray to me, a poor ignorant mechanic, who knows nothing but Christ; yet by knowing him, knows and discerns all things. Some time ago I had taken leave of Peter B5hler, confessed my unbelief and want of forgiveness, but declared my firm persuasion that I should receive the atonement before I died. His answer was, "Be it unto thee according to thy faith."
Mr. Bray is now to supply Bohler's place. We prayed together for faith. I was quite overpowered and melted into tears, and hereby induced to think it was God's will that I should go to his house, and not to Mr. Hutton's. He was of the same judgment. Accordingly I was carried thither in a chair.
His sister I found in earnest pursuit of Christ; his wife well inclined to conversion. I had not been here long, when Mr. Broughton called. I hoped to find him altered like myself; but, alas! his time is not yet come. As to M. Turner, he gave her up; "but for you, M. Bray," said he, "I hope you are still in your senses, and not run mad after a faith which must be felt." He went on contradicting and blaspheming. I thought it my duty to withstand him, and to confess my want of faith. "God help you, poor man," he replied: "if I could think you have not faith, I am sure {t would drive me to despair." I put all my hopes of ever attaining it, or eternal salvation, upon the truth of this assertion, "I have not now the faith of the Gospel."
As soon as he left us, Mr. Bray read me many comfortable scriptures, which greatly strengthened my desire; so that I was persuaded I should not leave his house, before I believed with my heart unto righteousness.
Frl., May 12th. I waked in the same blessed temper, hungry and thirsty. after God. I began Isaiah, and seemed to see that to me were the promises made, and would be fulfilled, for that Christ loved me. I found myself more desirous, more assured I should believe. This day (and indeed my whole time) I spent in discoursing on faith, either with those that had it, or those that sought it; in reading the Scripture, and in prayer.
I was much moved at the sight of Mr. Ainsworth, a man of great learning, above seventy, who, like old Simeon, was waiting to see the Lord's salvation, that he might depart in peace. His tears, and vehemence, and childlike simplicity, showed him upon the entrance of the kingdom of heaven. In the afternoon I read Isaiah with Mr. Edmunds: saw him full of promises, and that they belonged to me. In the midst of our reading, Miss Claggetts came, and asked that they might hear us. We were all much encouraged to pursue the glorious prize held out to us by the evangelical Prophet.
When the company was gone, I joined with Mr. Bray in prayer and the Scripture, and was so greatly affected, that I almost thought Christ was coming that moment. I concluded the night with private vehement prayer.
Sat., May 13th. I waked without Christ; yet still desirous of finding him. Soon after W. Delamotte came, and read me the 68th Psalm, strangely full of comfortable promises. Toward noon I was enabled to pray with desire and hope, and to lay claim to the promises in general.
The afternoon I spent with my friends, in mutual exhortation to wait patiently for the Lord in prayer and reading. At night my brother came, exceeding heavy. I forced him (as he had often forced me) to sing an hymn to Christ, and almost thought He would come while we were singing: assured He would come quickly. At night I received much light and comfort from the Scriptures.
Sun., May 14th. The beginning Of the day I was very heavy, weary, and unable to pray; but the desire soon returned, and I found much comfort both in prayer and in the word, my eyes being opened more and more to discern and lay hold on the promises. I longed to find Christ, that I might show him to all mankind; that I might praise, that I might love him.
Several persons called to-day, and were convinced of unbelief. Some of them afterwards went to Mr. Broughton, and were soon made as easy as Satan and their own hearts could wish.
Mon., May 15th. I finished Halyburton's Life with Miss Claggetts, &c. I found comfort in the 102d Psalm.
Tues., May 16th. I waked weary, faint, and heartless. My brother Hall coming to see me, I urged him to examine himself, whether he was in the faith. Two questions decided the matter: "Are you sure that is light" "Yes." "Are you as sure of the things unseen; of Christ being in you of a truth" "Yes; infinitely surer." In the afternoon I seemed deeply sensible of my misery, in being without Christ.
Wed., May 17th. I experienced the power of Christ rescuing me in temptation. To-day I first saw Luther on the Galatians, which Mr. Holland had accidentally lit upon. We began, and found him nobly full of faith. My friend, in hearing him, was so affected, as to breathe out sighs and groans unutterable. I marvelled that we were so soon and so entirely removed from him that called us into the grace of Christ, unto another Gospel. Who would believe our Church had been founded on this important article of justification by faith alone I am astonished I should ever think this a new doctrine; especially while our Articles and Homilies stand unrepealed, and the key of knowledge is not yet taken away.
From this time I endeavoured to ground as many of our friends as came in this fundamental truth, salvation by faith alone, not an idle, dead faith, but a faith which works by love, and is necessarily productive of all good works and all holiness.
I spent some hours this evening in private with Martin Luther, who was greatly blessed to me, especially his conclusion of the 2d chapter. I laboured, waited, and prayed to feel "who loved me, and gave himself for the." When nature, near exhausted, forced me to bed, I opened the book upon, "For he will finish the work, and cut it short in righteousness, because a short work will the Lord make upon earth." After this comfortable assurance that He would come, and would not tarry, I slept in peace.
Thur., May 18th. In the approach of a temptation, I looked up to Christ, and confessed my helplessness. The temptation was immediately beat down, and continually kept off by a power not my own. About midnight I was waked by the return of my pleurisy. I felt great pain and straitness at my heart; but found immediate relief by bleeding. I had some discourse with Mr. Bray; thought myself willing to die the next moment, if I might but believe this; but was sure I could not die, till I did believe. I earnestly desired it.
Fri., May 19th. At five this morning the pain and difficulty in breathing returned. The Surgeon was sent for; but I fell asleep before he could bleed me a second time. I was easier all day, after taking Dr. Cockburn's medicines. I had not much desire. I received the sacrament; but not Christ. At seven Mrs. Turner came, and told me, I should not rise from that bed till I believed. I believed her saying, and asked, "Has God then bestowed faith upon you" "Yes, he has." "Why, have you peace with God" "Yes, perfect peace." "And do you love Christ above all things" "I do, above all things incomparably." "Then you are willing to die" "I am; and would be glad to die this moment; for I know all my sins are blotted out; the handwriting that was against me is taken out of the way, and nailed to his cross. He has saved me by his death; he has washed me with his blood; he has hid me in his wounds. I have peace in Him, and rejoice with joy unspeakable, and full of glory."
Her answers were so full to these and the most searching questions I could ask, that I had no doubt of her having received the atonement; and waited for it myself with a more assured hope. Feeling an anticipation of joy upon her account, and thanking Christ as I could, I looked for him all night with prayers and sighs and unceasing desires.
Sat., May 20th. I waked much disappointed, and continued all day in great dejection, which the sacrament did not in the least abate. Nevertheless God would not suffer me to doubt the truth of his promises. Mr. Bray, too, seemed troubled at my not yet believing, and complained of his uneasiness and want of patience. "But so it is with me," says he: when my faith begins to fail, God gives me some sign to support it." He then opened a Testament, and read the first words that presented, Matt. ix. 1: "And he entered into a ship, and passed over, and came into his own city. And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus, seeing their faith, said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. And, behold, certain of the scribes and Pharisees said within themselves, This man blasphemeth. And Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts ~ For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee, or to say, Arise and walk ~ But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, {then saith he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine own house. And he arose, and departed to his house. And when the multitude saw it, they marvelled, and glorified God, which had given such power unto man."
It was a long while before he could read this through, for tears of joy: and I saw herein, and firmly believed, that his faith would be available for the healing of me. THE DAY OF PENTECOST.
Sun., May 21st, 1738. I waked in hope and expectation of His coming. At nine my brother and some friends came, and sang an hymn to the Holy Ghost. My comfort and hope were hereby increased. In about half-an-hour they went: I betook myself to prayer; the substance as follows :--
"Oh Jesus, thou hast said, 'I will come unto you ; 'thou hast said, ' I will send the Comforter unto you ; thou hast said, 'My Father and I will come unto you, and make our abode with you.' Thou art God who canst not lie; I wholly rely upon thy most true promise: accomplish it in thy time and manner." Having said this, I was composing myself to sleep, in quietness and peace, when I heard one come in Mrs. Musgrave, I thought, by the voice) and say, "In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, arise, and believe, and thou shalt he healed of all thy infirmities." I wondered how it should enter into her head to speak in that manner. The words struck me to the heart. I sighed, and said within myself, "0 that Christ would but speak thus to me from Christ of my recovery, soul and body. She returned home repeating with all joy and triumph, "I believe, I believe:" yet her heart failed her, and she durst not say the words to me that night.
On Sunday morning she took Mr. Bray aside, burst into tears, and informed him of the matter; objecting she was a poor weak sinful creature, and should she go to a Minister She could not do it; nor rest till she did. He asked whether she had ever found herself so before. "No, never." "Why, then," said he, "go. Remember Jonah. You declare promises, not threatenings. Go in the name of the Lord. Fear not your own weakness. Speak you the words: Christ will do the work. Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hath he ordained strength."
They prayed together, and she then went up, but durst not come in till she had prayed again by herself. About six minutes after she had left him, he found and felt, while she was speaking the words, that Christ was with us. I never heard words uttered with like solemnity. The sound of her voice was entirely changed into that of Mrs. Musgrave. (If I can be sure of anything sensible.) I rose and looked into the Scripture. The words that first presented were, "And now, Lord, what is my hope truly my hope is even in thee." I then cast down my eye, and met, "He hath put a new song in my mouth, even a thanksgiving unto our God. Many shall see it, and fear, and shall put their trust in the Lord." Afterwards I opened upon Isaiah xl. 1: "Comfort ye, comfort ye, my people, saith your God: speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned; for she hath received of the Lord's hand double for all her sin."
I now found myself at peace with God, and rejoiced in hope of loving Christ. My temper for the rest of the day was, mistrust of my own great, but before unknown, weakness. I saw that by faith I stood; by the continual support of faith, which kept me from falling, though of myself I am ever sinking into sin. I went to bed still sensible of my own weakness, (I humbly hope to be more and more so,) yet confident of Christ's protection.
Mon., May 22d. Under his protection I waked next morning, and rejoiced in reading the 107th Psalm, so nobly describing what God had done for my soul. I fell asleep again, and waked out of a dream that I was fighting with two devils; had one under my feet; the other faced me some time, but faded, and sunk, and vanished away, upon my telling him I belonged to Christ.
To-day I saw him chiefly as my King, and found him in his power: but saw little of the love of Christ crucified, or of my sins past: though more, I humbly hope, of my own weakness and his strength. I had many evil thoughts darted into my mind, but I rejected them immediately yet not I). At noon I rose, continually fainting, nevertheless upheld. I was greatly strengthened by Isaiah xliii., which God directed me to. "But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, 0 Jacob, and he that formed thee, 0 Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour."
My brother coming, we joined in intercession for him. In the midst of prayer, I almost believed the Holy Ghost was coming upon him. In the evening we sang and prayed again. I found myself very weak in body, but thought I ought to pray for my friends, being the only Priest among them. I kneeled down, and was immediately strengthened, both mind and body. The enemy did not lose such an opportunity of tempting me to pride: but, God be praised, my strength did I ascribe unto Him. I was often since assisted to pray readily and earnestly, without a form.
Not unto me, O Lord, not unto me, but to thy name be the glory!
An old friend called to see me, under great apprehensions that I was running mad. His fears were not a little increased by my telling him the prayer of faith had healed me when sick at Oxford. "He looked to see the rays of light about my head," he said, and more to that purpose. I begged him, for his own sake, not to pass sentence till he had his full evidence concerning me. This he could not promise, but faintly prayed me to flee from London, and, in despair of me, took his leave.
It was morning before I could get to sleep. Many motions of pride arose, and were continually beaten down by Christ my King. The devil also tempted me to impatience through pain; but God turned it into an occasion of resignation.
Tues., May 23rd(1. I waked under the protection of Christ, and gave myself up, soul and body, to him. At nine I began an hymn upon my conversion, but was persuaded to break oil, for fear of pride. Mr. Bray coming, encouraged me to proceed in spite of Satan. I prayed Christ to stand by me, and finished the hymn. Upon my afterwards showing it to Mr. Bray, the devil threw in a fiery dart, suggesting, that it was wrong, and I had displeased God. My heart sunk within me; when, casting my eye upon a Prayer-book, I met with an answer for him. "Why boastest thou thyself, thou tyrant, that thou canst do mischief" Upon this, I clearly discerned it was a device of the enemy to keep back glory from God. And it is most usual with him to preach humility, when speaking will endanger his kingdom, or do honour to Christ. Least of all would he have us tell what things God has done for our souls, so tenderly does he guard us from pride. But God has showed me, he can defend me from it, while speaking for him. In his name therefore, and through his strength, I will perform my vows unto the Lord, of not hiding his righteousness within my heart, if it should ever please him to plant it there.
Throughout this day he has kept up in me a constant sense of my own weakness. At night I was tempted to think the reason of my believing before others was, my sincerity. I rejected the thought with horror, and remained more than conqueror, through Him that loved me.
Wed., May 24th. Being to receive the sacrament to-day, I was assaulted by the fear of my old accustomed deadness; but soon recovered my confidence in Christ, that he would give me so much sense of his love now, as he saw good for me. I received without any sensible devotion, much as I used to be, only that I was afterwards perfectly calm and satisfied, Without doubt, fear, or scruple. Among our communicants was Mrs. Pratt, who had been with me the night before, and related her receiving Christ in a dream, when under great trouble. His words to her were, "Be of good cheer, thy prayer is heard." From that time to this, being six years, she has enjoyed perfect peace. Most of Saturday night she had spent in intercession for me; as on Sunday morning I experienced.
I was much pleased to-day at the sight of Mr. Ainsworth, a little child, full of grief, and fears, and love. At our repeating the line of the hymn, "Now descend, and shake the earth," he fell down as in an agony. I found s general delight in their singing, but little attention: yet was not disquieted.
We passed the afternoon in prayer, singing, and conference. For one half hour I was with Miss Delamotte; now unconvinced, and full of dispute. I bore my testimony with plainness and confidence, declaring what God had done for my soul. Not hurt, but strengthened hereby.
From her I went to Miss Claggetts; young women of a better and more childlike spirit, who calmly and confidently looked for the promises. I was farther comforted by an excellent letter from my namesake in Georgia, persecuted for Christ's sake; on the highest step, I trust, of the legal state.
At eight I prayed by myself for love; with some feeling, and assurance of feeling more. Towards ten, my brother was brought in triumph by a troop of our friends, and declared, "I believe." We sang the hymn with great joy, and parted with prayer. At midnight I gave myself up to Christ; assured I was safe, sleeping or waking. Had continual experience of his power to overrule all temptation; and confessed, with joy and surprise, that he was able to do exceeding abundantly for me, above what I can ask or think.
Thur., May 25th. I commended myself to Christ, my Prophet, Priest, and King. Miss D. came in a better mind. Before communicating, I left it to Christ, whether, or in what measure, he would please to manifest himself to me, in this breaking of bread. I had no particular attention to the prayers: but in the prayer of consecration I saw, by the eye of faith, or rather, had a glimpse of, Christ's broken, mangled body, as taking down from the cross. Still I could not observe the prayer, but only repeat with tears, "0 love, love!" At the same time, I felt great peace and joy; and assurance of feeling more, when it is best.
Soon after I was a little cast down, by feeling some temptation, and foreseeing more; but God lifted me up by his word. "Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." (Isai. xliii.) This promise was fulfilled in me when under frequent motions of sin: I looked up to Christ, and found them beaten down continually.
Fri., May 26th. We joined this morning in supplication for the poor malefactors, while passing to execution; and in the sacrament commended their souls to Christ. The great comfort we found therein made us confidently hope some of them were received as the penitent thief at the last hour. I was much refreshed soon after by Miss Delamotte, who, by the mercy of Christ, is brought back again, and more athirst after him than ever. I dined with great liberty of spirit, being amazed to find my old enemy, intemperance, so suddenly subdued, that I have almost forgot I was ever in bondage to him. In the evening I broke through my own great unwillingness, and at last preached faith in Christ to an accidental visitant.
Sat., May 27th. I felt a motion of anger, from a trifling disappointment; but it was no sooner felt than couquered. I received the sacrament: still no sensible love; but comfort. A gentlewoman, who has been long under the law, calling to see me, I thought, as she lived in the midst of opposers, no good could be done by speaking. Yet was I overruled to preach the Gospel. She seemed convinced and comforted. After she was gone, I was much assisted to intercede for her, and for poor Mr. Broughton, who continues the very life of all those that oppose the faith. Two or three others ca11ing were reproved of sin by the holy Spirit of God. Miss Claggetts seemed on the very border of Canaan; being fully convinced of righteousness also, of Christ's imputed righteousness; and looking to receive it every moment as by promise theirs.
Trinity Sunday, May 28th. I rose in great heaviness, which neither private nor joint prayer could remove. At last I betook myself to intercession for my relations, and was greatly helped and enlarged herein; particularly in prayer for a most profligate sinner. I spent the morning with James Hutton, in prayer, and singing, and rejoicing. In the afternoon my brother came, and, after a short prayer for success upon our ministry, set out for Tiverton. I then began writing my first sermon in the name of Christ my Prophet.
To-day Mrs. Bray related to me the manner of her receiving faith in public prayers, and the great conflicts she has since had with the enemy. For some days he so darkened the work of God, that though her eye of faith had been opened to see herself encompassed wlth the blood of Christ, yet still he suggested to her that she did not believe, because she had not the joy which others had. She was just overpowered by his devices, when in great heaviness she opened upon, "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief." This stayed her for a time: but the tempter still pursued, and in the very words he had used to shake my brother's faith. She went to public prayer, and was fervent throughout the whole. Toward the conclusion she saw as it were Satan under her feet; and came home in all the triumph of faith.
After dinner Miss Claggett and other friends came. I thought some would be now gathered into the fold, and was much assisted to pray. I rose, and saw the younger Miss Claggett under the work of God. I asked, urged, believed that she believed. She thought so too, but was afraid to confess it. While she stood trembling and in tears, I consulted the oracle for her, and met with Isai. xxx. 18: "And therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious unto you; and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the Lord is a God of judgement; blessed are all they that wait for him. For the people shall dwell in Sion at Jerusalem; thou shalt weep no more: he will be very gracious to thee, at the voice of thy cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer thee: She then opened the book on 2 Cot. v. 1}': "Old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." She read so far, and gave me the book to read on: "And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; to wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed to us the word of reconciliation. Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him."
Mr. Holland then read, "Stand fast in the liberty where with Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage." She now openly professed her faith, and increased in confidence every moment. We joined in hearty thanks to God for his unspeakable gift.
Just before parting, she opened the book upon Luke viii. 39: "Return to thine own house, and show how great things God hath done unto thee." This success was followed with inward trials; but at the same time I experienced the superior power of Christ.
Wed., May 31st. To-day God enabled me, in spite of the devil and my own heart, to send Mr. Wells a plain simple account of what God hath done for my soul.
THURSDAY, June 1st, 1738. I was troubled to-day, that I could not pray, being utterly dead at the sacrament.
Fri., June 2d. I was still unable to pray; still dead in communicating; full of a cowardly desire of death.
Sat., June 3d. My deadness continued, and the next day increased. I rose exceeding heavy and averse to prayer; so that I almost resolved not to go to church; which I had not been able to do, till within these two or three days past. When I did go, the prayers and sacrament were exceeding grievous to me; and I could not help asking myself, "Where is the difference between what I am now, and what I was before believing" I immediately answered, "That the darkness was not like the former darkness, because I was satisfied there was no guilt in it; because I was assured it would be dispersed; and because, though I could not find I loved God, or feel that he loved me, yet I did and would believe he loved me notwithstanding."
I returned home, and lay down with the same load upon me. This Mr. Ingham's coming could not alleviate. They sung, but I had no heart to join; much less in public prayers. In the evening Mr. Brown, Holland, and others called. I was very averse to coming among them, but forced myself to it, and spent two or three hours in singing, reading, and prayer. This exercise a little revived me; and I found myself much assisted to pray.
We asked particularly, that, if it was the will of God, some one might now receive the atonement. While I was yet speaking the words, Mr. Brown found power to believe. He rose and told me, my prayer was heard, and answered in him. At the same time Mr. Burton opened the Bible upon Col. i. 26: "Even the mystery which has been hid from ages and from generations, but now is made manifest to his saints: to whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."
We were all full of joy and thanksgiving. Before we parted, I prayed with Mr. Brown, and praised God, to the great confirmation of my faith. The weight was quite taken off. I found power to pray with great earnestness, and rejoiced in my trials having continued so long, to show me that it is then the best time to labour for our neighbour, when we are most cast down, and most unable to help ourselves.
Mon., June 5th. I waked thankful, with power to pray and praise. I had peace at the sacrament, and some attention in public prayer. In the afternoon I met Mrs. Sims, with Mr. and Mrs. Burton, at Islington. He told me God had given him faith, while I was praying last night; but he thought it would do hurt to declare it then. Upon finding his heart burn within him, he desired God would show him some token of his faith, and immediately opened on, "Let there be light, and there was light." We rejoiced together in prayer and singing; and left the rest of the company much stirred up to wait for the same unspeakable gift.
Tues., June 6th. In the evening I read Luther, as usual, to a large company of our friends. Mr. Burton was greatly affected. My inward temptations are, in a manner, uninterrupted. I never knew the energy of sin, till now that I experience the superior strength of Christ.
Wed., June 7th. I found myself this morning under my Father' protection; and reading Matt. vii., "Ask, and ye shall receive," I asked some sense of his love in the sacrament. It was there given me to believe assuredly that God loved me, even when I could have no sense of it. Some imperfect perception of his love I had, and was strengthened to hope against hope, after communicating.
I went to Mrs. Sims, and passed the afternoon in singing and reading the promises. Miss Claggetts, Mr. Chapman, Verding, and others, dropped in, as by accident. We all went to public prayers; whence we again returned, contrary to my intention, to Mr. Sims. We joined in pleading the promises, and asking some token for good. I rose in confidence of our prayer being heard; and at the same time Mr. Verding declared, with great simplicity and astonishment, that he had seen as it were a whole army rushing by him, and bearing the broken body of Christ. He found himself quite overpowered at the sight; was all in a cold sweat. While he spoke, my heart bore witness to the work of God in his; and I felt myself affected as on Whitsunday; was assured it was Christ; said the written word would bear witness with the personal, and opened it for a sign upon Isal. xlv. 24, 25: "Surely shall one say, In the Lord have I righteousness and strength: even to him shall men come, and all that are incensed against him shall be ashamed. In the Lord shall all the seed of Israel be justified, and shall glory." I then read, "Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth; for I am God, and there is none else. I have sworn by myself, the word is gone out of my mouth in righteousness, and shall not return, that unto me every knee shall bow, every tongue shall swear." And then, 1 Peter i. 3, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which, according to his abundant mercy, hath begotten us again unto a lively hope, by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible, undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation." After this he grew visibly in the faith, and we rejoiced and gave God thanks for the consolation. He appeared a very child; owned he feared nothing so much as offending his Father; was ready to die that moment. In the beginning of prayer he could hardly persuade himself to kneel down, not thinking he could find any benefit; so poor, so sinful a creature, what should he pray for 2.
Returning home in triumph, I found Dr. Byrom; and, in defiance of the tempter, simply told him the great things Jesus had done for me and many others. This drew on a full explanation of the doctrine of faith, which he received with wonderful readiness. Toward midnight I slept in peace.
Thur., June 8th. I had the satisfaction of hearing Mr. Sparks confess himself convinced now, that he is under the law, not under grace. In public prayer it pleased the Lord to melt me into humility and love.
At three I took coach for Blendon, with Mr. Bray; and had much talk with a lady about the fall, and faith in Christ. She openly maintained the merit of good works. I would all who oppose the righteousness of faith were so ingenuous: then would they no longer seek it as it were by the works of the law.
Before seven we came to Elfham. In riding thence to Blendon, I was full of delight, and seemed in new heavens and a new earth. We prayed, and sang, and shouted all the way. We found Miss Betsy and Hetty at home, and prayed that this day salvation might come to this house. In the lesson were those words, "This is the accepted time, this is the day of salvation."
Fri., June 9th. I prayed with fervour for the family. The second lesson was blind Bartimeus. In riding to Bexley, with Mr. Piers, I spake of my experience in simplicity and confidence and found him very ready to receive the faith. We spent the day in the same manner, Mr. Bray relating the inward workings of God upon his soul, and I the great things he had lately done for me, and our friends at London. He listened eagerly to all that was said, not making the least objection, but confessing it was what he had never experienced. We walked, and sang, and prayed in the garden. He was greatly moved, and testifed his full conviction, and desire of finding Christ. "But I must first," said he, "prepare myself by long exercise of prayer and good works."
At night we joined in prayer for Hetty. Never did I pray with greater earnestness, expecting an immediate answer; and being much disappointed at not finding it, I consulted the Scripture, and met with Jehu's words to his men, "Let none escape out of your hands." Then, "I trust that I shall come shortly." Still I was in great heaviness for her, and could not sleep till morning. Waking full of desire for her conversion, those words were brought to my remembrance, "The Spirit and the bride say, Come; and let him that heareth say, Come; and let him that is athirst come: and whosoever will, let him take of the water of life freely. At this instant came a flash of lightning, then thunder, then violent rain. I accepted it as a sign that the skies would soon pour down righteousness.
Yesterday (the devil of secrecy being expelled) Miss Betsy plainly informed me, that, after her last receiving the sacrament, she heart a voice, "Go thy way, thy sins are forgiven thee," and she was filled thereby with joy unspeakable. She said within herself, "Now I do indeed feed upon Christ in my heart by faith," and continued all day in the spirit of triumph and exultation. All her life, she thought, would be too little to thank God for that day. Yet even after this it was, that the enemy got so great advantage over her, in making her oppose the truth with such fierceness. For many days she did not know that she had in herself demonstration of that she denied. But after we had prayed that God would clear up his own work, the darkness of faith dispersed, and those fears that her conversion was not real, by little and little, were all done away.
Sat., June 10th. In the morning lesson was that glorious description of the power of faith: "Jesus answering said unto them, Have faith in God. For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." We pleaded this promise in behalf of our seeking friends, particularly Hetty aud Mr. Piers. He came with his wife. The day before our coming he had been led to read the Homily on Justification, which convinced him that in him dwelt no good thing. Now he likewise saw, that the thoughts of his heart were only evil continually, forasmuch as whatsoever is not of faith is sin.
He asked God to give him some comfort, and found it in Luke v. 23, &c.: "Whether is it easier to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee, or to say, Rise up and walk ~ But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power upon earth to forgive sins, (he saith unto the sick of the palsy,) I say unto thee, Arise, and take up thy bed, and go unto thine own house. And immediately he rose up before them, and took up that whereon he lay, and departed to his own house, glorifying God. And they were all amazed, and they glorified God, and were filled with fear, saying, We have seen strange things to-day."
This was the very miracle, I told him, from which God had shown his intention to heal me; and it was a sign of the like to be done by him. Mr. Bray moved for retiring to prayer. We prayed after God, again and again, and asked him, whether he believed Christ could just now manifest himself to his soul. He answered, "Yes." We read him the promise made to the prayer of faith. Mr. Bray bade me speak some promise to him authoritatively, and he should find Christ make it good. I had not faith to do it. He made me pray again, and then read Psalm lxv. I felt every word of it for my friend, particularly, "Thou that hearest the prayer, unto thee shall all flesh come. Blessed is the man whom thou choosest and receivest unto thee: he shall dwell in thy court, and shall be satisfied with the plenteousness of thy house, even of thy holy temple. Thou shalt show us wonderful things in thy righteousness, 0 God of our salvation, thou that art the hope of all the ends of the earth," &c.
Seeing the great confidence of Mr. Bray, and the deep humility of Mr. Piers, I began to think the promise would be fulfilled before we left the room. My fellow-worker with God seemed full of faith and the Holy Ghost, and told him, "If you can but touch tile hem of his garment, you shall be made whole." We prayed for him a third time, the Spirit greatly helping our infirmities, and then asked if he believed. He answered," Yes:" the Spirit witnessing with our spirits, that his heart was as our heart. Bray said, "I now know of a truth that Christ is in you." We were all filled with joy; returned thanks, and prayed for a blessing on his ministry; and then brought him down in triumph. Miss Betsy was greatly strengthened hereby, and bold to confess "she believed." All her speech now was, "I only hope that I stroll never lose this comfort."
The day was spent in prayer and conference. Mrs. Piers was, with all ease, convinced of unbelief. After supper I discoursed on faith from the lesson. The poor servants received the word gladly.
Sun., June 11th. While Mr. Piers was preaching upon death, I found great joy in feeling myself willing, or rather desirous, to die. After prayers we joined in intercession for Mr. and Mrs. Delamotte; then for poor Hetty: I received much comfort in reading Luther.
We took coach for church. In si1nging I observed Hetty join with a mixture of fear and joy. I earnestly prayed, and expected she should meet with something to confirm her in the service. Both the Psalms and lessons were full of consolation.
We adjourned to Mr. Piers, and joined in prayer for a poor woman in despair, one Mrs. Searl, whom Satan had bound these many years. I saw her pass by in the morning, and was touched with a sense of her misery. After pleading his promise of being with us to the end of the world, we went down to her in the name of Jesus. I asked her, whether she thought God was love; and not anger, as Satan would persuade her. Then I preached the Gospel, which she received with all imaginable eagerness. When we had for some time continued together in prayer, she rose up another creature, strongly and explicitly [declaring] her faith in the blood of Christ, and full persuasion that she was accepted in the Beloved. Hetty then declared, that she could not but believe Christ died for her, even for her. We gave thanks for both, with much exultation and triumph.
After family prayer I expounded the lesson, and, going up to my chamber, asked the maid (Mary) how she found herself. She answered, "O, Sir, what you said was very comfortable, how that Christ was made sin for me, that I might be made the righteousness of God in him; that is, he was put in my place, and I in his." "Do you then believe this, that Christ died for you" "Yes, I do believe it; and I found myself so as I never did before, when you spoke the word." "But do you find within yourself, that your sins are forgiven" "Yes, I do." These and the like answers, which she made with great simplicity, convinced me, that faith had come to her by hearing. We joined in giving glory to God; for we perceived and confessed it was his doing. It pleased him likewise to bless me with a deep and hitherto unknown dread of ascribing anything to myself.
Mon., June 12th. This morning Mrs. Piers told me, she had always doubted her having true faith; but now declared with tears, she was convinced her sins were forgiven, and she did believe indeed. We all went to Mrs. Searl, in strong temptation, nothing doubting but we should see the power of Christ triumphing over that of Satan. The enemy had got no advantage over her, though he had laboured all night to trouble and confound her. As often as she named the name of Jesus, he was repelled, and her soul at peace. We were much edified by her deep humility, and preached the Gospel to her and her husband, who received it readily. After prayer she rose with, "How shall I be thankful enough to my Saviour". We parted in a triumphant hymn.
Tues., June 13th. Mr. Piers was sent for to a dying woman. She was in despair, "having done so much evil, and so little good." He declared to her the glad tidings of salvation, that as all her good, were it ten thousand times more, could never save her, so all her evil could never hurt her,--if she could repent and believe; if she could lay hold on Christ by a living faith, and look for salvation by grace only. This was comfort indeed. She gladly quitted her own merits for Christ's; the Holy Ghost wrought faith in her heart, which she expressed in a calm, cheerful, triumphant expectation of death. Her fears and agonies were at an end. Being justified by faith, she had peace with God; and only entered farther into her rest, by dying a few hours after. The spectators were melted into tears. She calmly passed into the heavenly Canaan, and has there brought up a good report of her faithful Pastor, who, under Christ, hath saved her soul from death.
These were the first-fruits of his ministry; and I find him strengthened hereby, and more assured that the Gospel is the power of God unto salvation, to every one that believes. In the evening Mr. Delamotte returned.
Wed., June 14th. After morning prayer in the little chapel, I kept Hannah from going, that we might first pray for her: but we quickly found there was greater cause of thanksgiving. She told me she was reading a collect last night, which gave her vast pleasure: "Almighty God, whom truly to know is eternal life, grant us perfectly to know thy Son Jesus Christ, to be the way, the truth, and the life." "To be sure, Sir," said she, "I found myself so easy immediately, that I cannot tell you." A few questions fully satisfied us, that she was a true believer.
Poor Hetty was tempted to imagine she did not believe, because she had not been affected exactly in the same manner with others. We used a prayer for her, and parted.
On the road I overtook Frank, and asked what he thought of these things. He answered, "I was greatly delighted with one thing you said, how that Christ was made sin for us, that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." Upon farther examination I found him manifestly in the faith. We talked and rejoiced together, till we came to Eltham. He there left me, resolved to publish everywhere what things Jesus had done for him.
The coach was filled with young ladies. I was forced to leave off reading, that I might interrupt their scandal. At London I was informed that my brother was gone with Mr. Ingham and Tilchig, to Hernhuth. The news surprised, but did not disquiet, me.
Thur., June 15th. I was sent for to baptize a child. It gave me occasion to speak upon faith. One of the company was full of self-righteousness. The rest were more patient of the truth, being only gross sinners.
Fri., June 16th. After dinner Jack Delamotte came for me. We took coach; and by the way he told me, that when we were last together at Blendon, in singing, "Who for me, for me hast died,"
he found the words sink into his soul; could have sung for ever, being full of delight and joy: since then has thought himself led as it were in everything; feared nothing so much as offending God; could pray with life; and, in a word, found that he did indeed believe in the Lord Jesus.
I was in the coach with Miss Delamotte. While it stopped I got out to reprove a man for swearing. He thanked me most heartily. We took up Hetty at Blendon, and went on to Bexley.
The next day (Sat., June 17th) we saw, and prayed with, Mrs. Searl, to our mutual encouragement. Mr. Searl heard us gladly. The afternoon we passed with our friends at Blendon. Here I was stopped by the return of my pain, and forced to bed. Desires of death continually rose in me, which I laboured to check, not daring to form any wish concerning it.
Sun., June 18th. The pain abated; and the next day left me.
Wed., June 21st. I was concerned at having been here several days, and done nothing. I preached forgiveness to Mr. Piers's man, who seemed well disposed for receiving it, by a true simplicity. We prayed together, and went to public prayers. In the second lesson was the paralytic healed. I came home with the Miss Delamottes, Mrs. Searl, and the man, who declared before us all, that God had given him faith by hearing the sick of the palsy healed. We returned hearty thanks.
The Lord gave us more matter for thanksgiving at Blendon, where I read my brother's sermon on faith. When it was over, the gardener declared, faith had come to him by hearing it, and he had no doubt of his sins being forgiven. "Nay, was I to die just now," he added, "I know I should be accepted through Christ Jesus."
Thur., June 22d. I comforted Hetty, under a strong temptation, because she was not in all points affected like other believers, especially the poor; who have generally a much larger degree of confidence than the rich and learned. I had a proof of this to-day at Mr. Searl's, where, meeting a poor woman, and convincing her of unbelief, I used a prayer for her, that God who hath chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith, would now impart to her his unspeakable gift. In the midst of the prayer she received it; avowed it openly, and increased visibly therein.
In the evening we had a meeting at Mr. Piers's, and read my brother's sermon. God set his seal to the truth of it, by sending his Spirit upon Mr. Searl, and a maid-servant, purifying their hearts by faith. This occasioned our triumphing in the name of Jesus our God.
Fri., June 23d. I attended Mr. Piers to a poor old woman, whom he could never prevail upon to go to church. I expected we should be called to preach the law; but found her ready for the Gospel, and glad to exchange her merits for Christ's. The evening we passed among our little flock, and parted full of comfort, and peace, and joy.
Sat., June 24th. Riding to Blendon in the morning, I met William Delamotte, just come from Cambridge. He had left town well-disposed to the obedience of faith; but now I observed his countenance altered. He had been strongly prejudiced by the good folk at London. At Blendon I found Mr. Delamotte, not over-cordial, yet civil: met letters from my mother, heavily complaining of my brother's forsaking her, and requiring me to accept of the first preferment that offered, on pain of disobedience. This a little disquieted me. I was not much comforted by William Delamotte; but extremely moved for him, and could not refrain from tears. His sisters joined us. I began preaching faith, and free grace. His objection was, that it was unjust in God to make sinners equal with us, who had laboured perhaps many years. We proposed singing an hymn. He saw the title, "Faith in Christ," and owned he could not bear it.
In our way to church, I again proclaimed to him the, glad tidings of salvation. He was exceeding heavy, and, by his own confession, miserable; yet could he not receive this saying, "We are justified freely by faith alone." The lesson comforted me concerning him. "Behold, I will send my messenger, and he shall prepare the way before me: and the Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he shall come, saith the Lord." To all such as think it hard to lose the merit of their good works, the Scripture spake as follows: "Your words have been stout against me, saith the Lord: yet ye say, What have we spoken so much against thee. Ye have said, It is vain to serve God: and what profit is it that we have kept his ordinances, and that we have walked mournfully before the Lord of hosts."
Sun., June 25th. I stayed to preach faith to Mrs. Delamotte, whom Providence brought home yesterday, I trust, for that very purpose. I was so faint and full of pain, that I had not power to speak: but I had no sooner begun my sermon than all my weakness vanished. God gave me strength and boldness: and after an hour's speaking, I found myself perfectly well. I went and accosted Mrs, Delamotte in her pew: just as shy as I expected. Let it work: God look to the event!
After evening prayer, she just spake to me: Betsy wondered she could bring herself to it. My sermon (I heard) occasioned much disturbance to more than her. M. Sear at night was full of triumph.
Men., June 26th. I waited upon Mrs. Delamotte, expecting what happened. She fell abruptly upon my sermon, for the false doctrine therein. I answered, "I staked my all upon the truth of it." She went on, "It is hard people must have their children seduced in their absence, If every one must have your faith, what will become of all the world. Have you this assurance, Mr. Piers" "Yes, Madam, in some degree: I thank God for it." "I am sorry to hear it." One of the company cried, "I am glad to hear it, and bless God for him, and wish all mankind had it too."
She moved for reading a sermon of Archbishop Sharp's, Piers read. We excepted continually to his unscriptural doctrine. Much dispute ensued. She accused my brother with preaching an instantaneous faith. "As to that," I replied, "we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard. I received it in that manner; as have above thirty others in my presence." She started up, said she could not bear it, and ran out of the house. William protested against her behaviour. In the beginning, I had found the old man rise; but I grew calmer and calmer, he longer we talked. Glory be to God through Christ! I offered to go, but they would not let me. Betsy went and at last prevailed upon her to come in. Nothing more was said, At six I took my leave. Poor Hannah and Mary came to the door, and caught hold of my hand. Hannah cried, "Don't be discouraged, Sir: I hope we shall all continue steadfast." I could not refrain from tears. Hetty came in: I exhorted her to persevere. I took horse. William seemed much better disposed than his mother; promised to come and see me the next day. I joined with Mr. Piers in singing, "Shall I, for fear of feeble man, Thy Spirit's course in me restrain"
and in hearty prayer for Mrs. Delamotte.
Tues., June 27th. Calling upon poor Goody Dickenson, I asked, if she had now forgiveness. "Yes," said she, "I received it in the midst of your sermon." "Do you then believe Christ died for you in particulars" "Yes, to be sure: I must believe it, if I would not deny the Scripture."
She expressed strong confidence in God; appeared full of love to two beggars that called; believed she should be saved, if she died just now; would come to church, if all in rags. In short, she left me no reason to doubt, but that she was taken in at the eleventh hour, being now near fourscore.
Coming back to Mr. Pier's, I found W. Delamotte. I was full of hope for him. he todl me he had wrote two sheets against the truth; but in seeking after more texts, had met one that quite spoiled it all. "Not but works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us." This convinced him; and immediately he burnt all he had wrote. I asked what it was he still stuck at. "Nothing" said he, "but God's giving faith instantaneously." I replied, that alone hindered his receiving it just now; no more preparation being absolutely necessary thereto, than what God is pleased to give.
We were directed to many apposite scriptures, particularly Luke vii. 47: "Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven." John xx. 27, 28: "Then said he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing. And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God."
We went to prayers, pleaded the promises for him with great earnestness and tears: then read 2 These. i. 11, 12: "Wherefore also we pray always for you, that our God would count you worthy of this calling, and fulfil all the good pleasure of his goodness, and the work of faith with power: that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and ye in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." I observed the workings of God strong upon him, and prayed again. Then read the scriptures that first offered :--Titus iii. 5: "Not by works of righteousness which we have done," &c. (The very text that stopped him in the morning.) Amos iv. 12: "Because I will do this to thee, prepare to meet thy God." Psalm lxviii. 6: "God setteth the solitary in families, he bringeth out those which are bound with chains:" and lastly, Psalm lxvi. 20: "Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor hls mercy from me."
While we were praying, and singing, and reading, alternately, a poor man, one Mr. Heather, came to talk with me. He had heard and liked the sermon upon faith. I asked him whether he had faith. "No." Whether forgiveness of sins. "No." Whether there was or could be any good in him till he believed. "No." "But do you think Christ cannot give you faith and forgiveness in this hour" "Yes, to be sure he can." "And do you believe his promise, that when two of his disciples shall agree upon earth, as touching anything they shall ask of him, he will give it them" "I do." "Why, then, here is our Minister, and I agree to ask faith for you." "Then I believe I shall receive it before I go out of the room."
We went to prayer directly; pleaded the promise; and rising, asked him whether he believed. His answer was, "Yes, I do believe with all my heart. I believe Christ died for my sins. I know they are all forgiven. I desire only to love him. I would suffer anything for him: could lay down my life for him this moment." I turned to my scholar, and said, "Do you now believe that God can give faith instantaneously" He was too full to speak; but told me afterwards, he envied the unopposing ignorance and simplicity of the poor, and wished himself that illiterate carpenter.
Next day I returned to town, rejoicing that God had added to his living church seven more souls through my ministry. "Not unto me, 0 Lord, not unto me, but to thy name be the praise, for thy loving-mercy, and for thy truth's sake." I had hopes of seeing greater things than these, from a scripture He this day directed me to: Luke v. 9: "For he was astonished, and all that were with him, at the draught of fishes which they had taken."
I went to Mr. Sims's, in expectation of Christ. Several of our friends were providentially brought thither. We joined in singing and prayer. The last time we prayed, I could not leave off, but was still forced to go on. I rose at last, and saw Mr. Chapman still kneeling. I opened the book, and read aloud, "And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: for she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. And Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour." My heart burned within me, while I was reading: at the same time I heard him cry out, with great struggling, "I do believe." We lifted him up; for he had not power to rise of himself, being quite helpless, exhausted, and in a profuse sweat. An old believer among us owned himself affected with a wonderful sympathy. We had the satisfaction of seeing Mr. Chapman increase in faith; and returned most hearty thanks to the God of his and our salvation.
Thur., June 29th. Miss Suky Claggett called, and to my no small comfort informed me of her sister's lately receiving faith. She likewise brought me an invitation from her mother. Mrs. Turner would have sent for her, (Miss B. Claggett,) but I would not suffer it; that I might have no hand at all in the matter. I sat down to write; when Miss Betsy came for me. We joined in thanksgiving for her, and intercession for her mother; and then took coach. Mrs. Turner made the fourth.
I sought to the oracle for direction, and was much strengthened by the answer, from Acts x. 29: "Therefore came I unto you without gainsaying, as soon as I was sent for: I ask therefore for what intent ye have sent for me" What makes it more remarkable is, that it is St. Peter's day. We all conceived great hopes of Mrs. Claggett. I found her very courteous, well-disposed, emptied of herself. We sang, and at her desire prayed together. She freely confessed how greatly she had been prejudiced against the truth; but was thoroughly satisfied by my reading the sermon. I prayed after it, without much affection; again with more; and the third time strongly moved. I knew that she believed. I believed for her. The Scripture gave the strongest testimony of it. At first she said, she must not presume to say she believed; but grew more and more confirmed. I left her, in confidence God would soon clear up his own work in her soul, beyond all doubt or contradiction. Soon after, to keep me from being lifted up, the messenger of Satan was suffered to buffet me.
Fri., June 30th. Thanks be to God, the first thing I felt to-day was a fear of pride, and desire of love. Betsy Delamotte called, and gave me the following letter :--
"Dear Sir,--God hath heard your prayers. Yesterday, about twelve, He put his fiat to the desires of his distressed servant; and, glory be to Him, I have enjoyed the fruits of his Holy Spirit ever since. The only uneasiness I feel is, want of thankfulness and love for so unspeakable a gift. But I am confident of this also, that the same gracious Hand which hath communicated, will communicate even unto the end.
"I am your sincere friend in Christ, "W. DELEMOTTE.
"0 my friend, I am free indeed! I agonized some time betwixt darkness and light; but God was greater than my heart, and burst the cloud, and broke down the partition-wall, and opened to me the door of faith."
In reading this, I felt true thankfulness, and was quite melted down with God's goodness to my friend.
I followed his guidance in the afternoon to Mr. Sims. We spent the time as usual. Mrs. Chapman called; said she could not stay; yet stayed prayers. I was much assisted: rose, and asked her whether she believed. "I do not know but I do; for I never found myself so in my life; so strangely warmed! I seem to have a fire within me. I thought, while kneeling down, 'How could I expect to receive faith, when so many better than I were here' It then came into my mind, that I had left my money upon the stall; but God, thought I, could take care of it, or give me a better thing." We concluded the day with prayer at Mr. Bray's.
Sat., July 1st. I was again at Mrs. Claggett's. The eldest daughter and Mrs. Claggett joined us. I related the cure of the lame girl at Bath. She rejoiced to hear a person might have faith, and have it long obscured by worldly cares, yet not lost: said the maid's case was hers; professed her now believing, and owned the darkness she bad long lain under', a just punishment for her not giving God the glory. We sang, and rejoiced together, and went to the house of God as friends. In the lesson He related his past kindness to her. "And he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath-day. And, behold, there was a woman Which had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and was bowed together, and could in no wise lift up herself. And when Jesus saw her, he called her to him, and said unto her, Woman, thou art loosed from thine infirmity. And he laid his hands on her: and immediately she was made straight, and glorified God." Mrs. Claggett was deeply affected; and told me afterwards, that her not following the woman's example of glorifying God, had occasioned all the troubles of her life: but she was now resolved, as far as in her lay, to repair her past unfaithfulness.
At Mr. Sims's I was extremely averse to prayer; would fain have stole away without it: but Mr. Bray stopped me, saying, my deadness could not hinder God, and forced me to pray. I had scarce begun, when l was quite melted down, and prayed more fervently than ever before. A poor man, who came in at the beginning of the prayer, now confessed his faith before us all, being full of joy and triumph. "He never found himself so before; knew his sins were forgiven; could gladly die that moment."
Sun., July 2d. Being to preach this morning for the first time, I received strength for the work of the ministry, in prayer and singing. The whole service at Basingshaw was wonderfully animating, especially the Gospel concerning the miraculous draught of fishes. I preached salvation by faith to a deeply attentive audience: I gave the cup.
Observing a woman full of reverence, I asked her if she had forgiveness of sins. She answered, with great sweetness and humility," Yes, I know it now that I have forgiveness."
I preached again at London-Wall, without fear or weariness. As I was going into the church, a woman caught hold of my hand, and blessed me most heartily, telling me she had received forgiveness of sins while I was preaching in the morning.
In the evening we met, a troop of us, at Mr. Slms's. There was one Mrs. Harper there, who had this day in like manner received the Spirit, by the hearing of faith; but feared to confess it. We sung the hymn to Christ. At the words, "Who for me, for me hath died,"
she burst out into tears and outcrles, "I believe, I believe!" and sunk down. She continued, and increased in the assurance of faith; full of peace, and joy, and love.
We sang and prayed again. I observed one of the maids run out, and, following, found her full of tears, and joy, and love. I asked what ailed her. She answered, as soon as joy would let her, that "Christ died for her!" She appeared quite overpowered with his love.
Mon., July 3d. I had some discourse with my friendly namesake, Charles Rivington. I begged him to suspend his judgement, till he heard me preach.
Tues., July 4th. I received a letter from my brother at Tiverton, full of heavy charges. At Mr. Sparks's I found Jephtha Harris. I convinced him so far, that he owned he had been prejudiced against the truth; and had not faith. I carried him to Mr. Bray's; prayed over him, and pleaded the promises. All were much affected.
I corrected a sermon of Mr. Sparks's on justification. Took coach for Bexley. In the way I was enabled to pray for my brother. I heard a good account of Mrs. Delamotte, that she was almost beat out of her own righteousness.
Honest Frank made one of our congregation this evening, and gave a comfortable account of the little flock at Blendon. I received a fuller from Hetty; informing me that her mother was convinced of unbelief, and much ashamed of her behaviour towards me.
Wed., July 5th. William Delamotte came, and rejoiced with me for all God had done. We brought a woman home from church, and laboured hard to convince her she deserved hell. Another confessed her having received forgiveness of sins in sickness.
Fri., July 7th. Mrs. Delamotte followed me from church, sent for me down, hoped she did not interrupt me. Her third sentence was, "Well, Mr. Wesley, are you still angry with me" "No, Madam," I ans
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