Avoiding drudgery in marriage

The meeting has been entitled Avoiding Marriage Drudgery, and that may sound like a rather broad and nebulous type of title, but I guess what is before us, just so we know where we're going with the meeting tonight, is to consider some of the potential problems that can occur that can cause God's ideal to become an ordeal, to change what is really the most blessed, the most delightful aspect given to mankind on earth, and to make it one of the most difficult, trying, draining, discouraging relationships. So let's look at it together, and I think we must be honest and must face reality. Some people think as long as we're Christians doesn't that mean everything should be fine? Well, we'll look at that and consider some things from the word of God together.

Let me just give you then some headings so again you'll have an overview of where we're going. I want to talk about dispelling fallacies. I want to talk about a doctrinal focus to what we are looking at.

I want to talk about distinguishing features. I want to talk about deadly forces. I want to talk about detecting foxes.

Very simple, nothing complex, all from the scripture, and I trust that you'll be able to follow me. Dispelling fallacies. What do I mean? As long as we are sure it is the will of God to be married and we are true Christians, everything will just be wonderful.

Fallacy number one. If this were a Sunday school class and I had a group of, you know, idyllic, romantic, young teenage girls, I would say, what love story really, you know, is thrilling to read in the Bible? What story do you love to think about as you think of God bringing a man and woman together? I think that most would say certainly the story of Isaac and Rebecca with its loveliness and its tenderness and all that it has in view of that sense of divine overruling and divine purpose. Certainly apart from Adam and Eve, and it was pretty hard for them to miss each other since there was only one of each around, you know, that was a pretty easy find, wasn't difficult.

But aside from them, there are no other two individuals in the scripture who are so obviously, clearly, unmistakably, undeniably brought together by the sovereign hand of God. And yet you only churn from chapter 24 to chapter 27 and you find them lying to each other. You find them manipulating each other.

You find them playing a game with each other. You find them each having their favorite child and intent on whose will is going to win in this struggle. It's only a brief three chapters.

And there is a marriage that is in what we would call deep trouble. Two individuals who are living in two different worlds altogether, each wanting their own will and their own way and to advance their own agenda for their own particular favorite. And lying is not too much to do.

Deception is not too much to do. Manipulation is not too much to do. And yet this was a marriage designed, engineered, brought about by God.

So let us just take from the very beginning of scripture, this sobering lesson that when you bring two people together who have human natures, you have the potential for problems. Things don't automatically just work out. Myth number one, if our marriage is of God, we will have no problems.

But another fallacy that needs to be dispelled is that, well, if we have problems, then it means we must've made a mistake and maybe we shouldn't have gotten married. No. As we shall see, that is the furthest thing from the truth.

Just because there are difficulties does not mean that somewhere along the line we must have missed the will of God and we must have gone our own way. The success of a marriage is not whether there are problems or not. The success of a marriage is how you handle the problems that are going to come because there are going to be difficulties.

No two human beings are compatible because we have something called self-will. And until we learn what to do with that, there is incompatibility. So you will understand then that the presence of problems does not mean we made a mistake.

Fallacy number three, we have no problems. We have the perfect marriage. I would just say to my brethren, go home and ask your wife.

Let her defuse that rather than me doing that right now. Okay? Every marriage can be made better. I hope we made that clear last night because after all, the standard of a man's love for his wife is as Christ loved the church.

And I think that none of us here would begin to say we have approximated that love not only in quantity but in its quality as well. The kind of love Christ has for his church. Dispelling fallacies.

But there is a doctrinal focus. What I mean by that is that as we are talking about marital issues and potential areas of conflict, this is not simply a matter now of trying to give you some advice that I have amassed from years of experience or to give you the cold wisdom of other individuals who deal in marriage and family difficulties. The word of God is at stake.

And I think we need to just set parameters that are related to the doctrine of the word of God. The first thing I want to underline for us all are unconditional responsibilities, unconditional responsibilities. It does not say wives submit yourselves to your husbands if he is doing his part.

And it does not say husbands love your wives if they are doing their part. Clearly, not as a suggestion but as an imperative, Paul says wives submit, husbands love. So that my love is not dependent on the measure of obedience of my wife.

And her willing submission to me is not dependent upon the evidence of my love for her. Now that does not excuse me. You will understand what I am saying here.

This is not an out for someone to act any way they wish to because still responsibility is towards God as to your behavior in your marriage. But it is this, that God does not say that there is a loophole in his pattern for marriage, that if one partner is not fulfilling their obligation, that exempts you from yours. God says no.

Unconditional responsibilities in marriage. Unchanging resources. Well, suppose things do get bad.

That is what 1 Peter 3 tells us. What happens if it gets so bad that he will not listen to the word of God? He totally puts it aside. As far as what the Bible says, I could care less.

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear about your standards. I don't want to hear about your gospel.

I don't want to hear about your teaching. Just leave me alone. It can't get much more desperate than that.

So Peter says, when things get that desperate, even if it gets that desperate, then you be the very perfect wife you ought to be. Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands that even if they obey not the word, they may without a word be won as they behold your chaste conversation. Now please understand what Peter is saying.

Peter is not saying this is a guaranteed foolproof pattern for winning your partner. What Peter is saying is if this doesn't do it, nothing else will. You may not.

1 Corinthians 7 makes that clear. You may not win your partner that way. But if this doesn't do it, appealing on a natural level is not going to accomplish a spiritual end.

He says if it gets this bad, then you be the absolute model spouse that God intended you to be because that is the only hope you have for seeing that person reached by God and dealt with. So there are not only then unconditional responsibilities, but there are unchanging resources for situations. But someone says those are very nice.

Sounds great. But real world, okay? Real world is difficult. Real world is sometimes very, very stressful.

Real world is things don't always have a happy ever after ending. So let me talk about an unshakeable commitment. An unshakeable commitment.

God intends individuals to maintain marriage. An unshakeable commitment. You might say, boy, you're asking an awful lot.

Yeah, I know. And believe me, I have seen primarily brethren. This is not necessarily just happens to be the case.

I'm sure it happens the other way around with sisters. I have seen brethren who have gone on alone with no support, no encouragement, nothing but undermining and discouragement when they go home and yet they keep going on for God. I find the Christian race difficult with a wife that supports me 125%.

I don't know how brethren do it that have to go on alone, go through the door at night and rather than a word of encouragement, it's the exact opposite. So I'm not speaking glibly. I'm not speaking lightly as though somehow, you know, just keep going.

But can I just give you something that has encouraged me as I consider the word of God? You remember, Jacob had two wives, Leah and Rachel. And you know the story how all that came about. We needn't go into detail.

But there came a day when Leah could have turned and gone back to Laman. There was no question in her mind she was second best. There was little doubt in her mind that Jacob loved Rachel and thought very little of her.

There was no kidding herself that she was never going to be his favorite wife. She was always going to have second-class status in that relationship. Jacob called them to the field one day and recounted to them, first of all, that God had appeared to him and told him to arise and go back to his own land and that he could see the face of Laman and their brothers was not towards him as before.

And he told them he was going back and would they come. She could have stayed, but she chose to go with Jacob. Did God recompense Leah? Leah had children before Rachel.

Leah had six children. Rachel had two children. Leah bore Judah, the kingly line, and Levi, the priestly line.

Leah is in the genealogy of Christ. Rachel isn't. And when Jacob goes to die, he tells his sons, when I die, bury me back in a cave in Machpelah.

There Abraham buried Sarah. There Isaac buried Rebecca. There I buried Leah.

Bury me with Leah. Did God recompense her? Do you think that she will look back from eternity? Do you think she'll think, my, what a waste? What a waste of my life to have spent it with Jacob when the only thing that came was the kingly line and the priestly line and the Messiah. You think she's going to think it was all a big waste? Yeah, I can't imagine what it must have been like for her to feel second rate.

But I do know this, God recompensed her. God saw to it that she would be honored, not only in life, but for all eternity. Her name inscribed in the genealogy of Christ.

What a tremendous thing. So there is then linked with this issue of difficulties, an unshakable commitment. And let me also mention an undeniable reality.

That undeniable reality is just this. You'll allow me this, I hope, for just a moment. You theologians may feel this was wrong, so you'll forgive my mother when you get to heaven.

But she used to teach us as small children to pray and give thanks for our food if no one else was around before we were saved. And I still look back and think that packed into a couple of little rhyming lines that we used to say was incredible theology. She taught us just to say as we bowed our heads for our food, God is great.

God is good. Lord, we're thankful for this food. Amen.

God is great. We all know that. But I want you to think of the theology linked with that little expression that God is good.

Oh, we all shake our heads yes. We say it. It's on our lips all the time.

And we all agree to it. And we all would say a hearty amen. But I want you to think of what it means that God is good.

That means that even the difficulty that arises in your relationship, God has good in view for you. You might say, how do you mean that? Well, you know, there are things I would have never faced about myself had I not confronted them in marriage. Never would have faced them.

I would have just run somewhere else. In another relationship where there was a back door, I would have taken the back door because I didn't want to admit that about myself. But in the context of an unshakable commitment to a relationship, to a marriage, suddenly confronted with my own selfishness, with my own pettiness, with my own stubbornness to have to face it.

Yet God was teaching me tremendous lessons. Still is. Still learning constantly as I confront the ugliness that is in me because I see it revealed in a relationship.

God is good. Even in the problems that we can encounter, even in the conflicts that we deal with, God is trying to teach us. And there are some things I may have never been willing to face if God hadn't made me stare at them in the mirror of marriage.

So God is good. Let me quickly move to detecting foxes. You'll, of course, know where that's taken from, from the Song of Songs.

Take us the foxes, the little foxes that that spoil the vine, that hinder the tender grapes. And so let me just talk about some of the foxes that can spoil the tender grapes of marriage, that can prevent the full fruit of a wonderful relationship developing. And let me just talk, first of all, about struggles for power.

You know, how many issues, really, do husbands and wives differ about? That when you really get past all the surface issues and all the straw, that beneath it all there's really a power struggle going on, who's going to get their way? That's what was going on in Genesis 27, wasn't it? Two individuals, both of whom had their own wills and their own agendas, and the power struggle ensues. And so when you're arguing about whose home you're going to go to for the next holiday, whether your in-laws or her in-laws or whatever, you know, and it looks like it's just a matter of arguing about whose home you're going to, you know, after a while it gets to be a power struggle. Who's going to have their way? Well, I've given in every single time, and it seems like every time we have this, I have to give in.

I'm just going to put my foot down, and that's it. I'm not giving in, and I'm going to get my way this time. And so you just have a nice superficial issue that you use, but beneath it all is a struggle for who's in control of this marriage and who can get their way.

Struggles over power. Strategies for peacekeeping. We read in Matthew chapter five, blessed are the peacemakers.

I want you to think of the difference for a moment between peacemakers and peacekeepers. This nation has had experience in trying to keep peace, just as the country I come from has had experience in trying to keep peace. You know what happens when you keep peace? You get two warring groups, and you go in and you kind of stand in the middle, and you point your guns at both sides, and as long as you're there pointing your guns at both sides, then you've kept the peace.

As soon as you leave, guns come out again. War all over again. That's a peacekeeper.

Peacemaker goes in, takes the guns away, brings the people together, resolves the issues, and peace is present when they leave. Many marriages, not all, many marriages have a peacemaker and a peacekeeper together. Someone who just, you know, look, let's not talk about it.

Just keep the peace. Just everything, just to avoid a ruffle, a problem, a difficulty. We don't like to feel uncomfortable.

We don't like to bring up issues. Let's just not talk about it. Whatever you want, fine, let's go, that's fine.

We don't have to, and everything is just kept dormant, like a volcano. And then one day, when suddenly some issue arises that seems very minor, the volcano erupts, and there's this spewing out of 20 years of resentment and of frustration, and the partner stands back in absolute awe that this person has been keeping all of this long list of things for all these years, and never resolved them, and never wanted to resolve them. The Lord Jesus Christ said, blessed are the peacemakers.

The need to be willing to confront issues, to face them, not to ignore them, not to hide them, not to deny them, not to conceal them, but to face issues, and actually deal with them, and to make peace. To resolve the conflicts, resolve the issues, rather than just hiding and denying, and so on. So, strategies for peacekeeping.

Selfishness. That hardly needs the underline, does it? Selfishness. What am I getting out of this relationship? Look at all I do.

I do this. I sacrifice this. I'm constantly doing this.

I thought this was going to be a 50-50 deal, and I seem to be doing everything and getting nothing. Who said it was a 50-50 deal? Show me in the Bible where it says it's a 50-50 proposition. I search in vain for a single verse of Scripture that tells me what my rights are in marriage.

Now, I know some would go to 1 Corinthians 7. I'm just putting that aside for a moment, but I would search in vain for anything where Paul in Ephesians and in Colossians, or Peter in his writings, gives me some rights that I have, that these are my demands, and these are what you must do for me. It is 100% me giving. The moment I start looking and demanding, I have moved outside of the realm of God's biblical pattern for marriage.

You know one of the most destructive things in a marriage relationship? Self-pity. Self-pity. That's actually one of the most destructive things in any relationship.

Sitting back, feeling sorry for self. Why am I not getting what I deserve? Poor me. No one recognizes me.

No one appreciates me. Look at all I do, and I'm not getting my due. No one pats me on the back.

No one tells me how well I'm doing. And so we sit back and wallow in our self-pity, and it has that wonderful, comforting feeling for about a nanosecond, and then you're back into the, no. Self-pity is destructive.

Selfishness. Just looking for what I deserve and what's coming for me. Shortsightedness.

Let me just talk about wrong expectations for just a moment. We could spend really an entire evening on expectations in marriage, but let me just mention a couple. One expectation is, well, yeah, there are some difficulties with him or with her, but I know I can change them once we get married.

I am 58 and a half, 59, somewhere around there. You're older, so I think you'd say the same thing if you had a chance. You can say it later when you're done.

You're probably the only one here older than I am, but anyway. I find that almost, almost impossible to change myself at this point in life. I say almost.

With God's grace and God's help, I should be able to. But I guess what I'm saying to you is, it takes everything that I can be spiritually to bring about change in myself. Much less try to change someone else.

You never can change someone else. It's not your responsibility, and it's well beyond your power. All you can do is change yourself.

So never enter a relationship with the expectation, once we're married, I know I can change them. No, can't. As I told someone last night, it's actually quite the opposite.

You don't know what you're getting until after you're married. It kind of comes dressed up nice, neat package up until the wedding day. And once the marriage occurs, you begin to discover things you never, never expected in the person you married.

Never expected it, but there they are. That's why attitude is so vital that if there's an attitude that is totally unwilling to change, unwilling to bow to scripture, unwilling to communicate about issues, then it's going to be a disaster because there are going to be things you don't even know when you get married that will surface and will need to be adjusted. So wrong expectations of changing someone.

But another wrong expectation is finally I have met the person who is going to meet all of my needs. Really? Do you think any human being can meet any other human being's 100%? It's impossible. There is only one who can meet every need of a human heart.

He may choose to use your spouse to meet many needs, but no human being can meet another's entirely. There are going to be things that cannot be met. I don't know what you do in this country.

I'll tell you what I do. When I am asked to take a wedding with a young starry-eyed couple, I do not do it unless they will sit and talk for four or five sessions with me about what marriage is all about and what they're getting into. And at one of those sessions, I usually tell them now, I want the two of you to turn and look at each other.

And you know what happens. They kind of smile and kind of get teary-eyed for a minute. And I said, I want you to take a good look because the person you're looking at is one day going to disappoint you desperately.

And they look at me and they look at each other like, that's just impossible. That can't be. Yeah.

One day, somewhere in life's journey, this person is going to disappoint you terribly. And you're going to feel so discouraged. But that's because God is trying to teach you that no human being can meet your needs entirely.

Have to look to him for all of your needs to be met. And yes, he will use your spouse to meet many needs and to fulfill many things in your life. But never go into marriage with the idea that here is the person who can and must and will meet every need I have.

We're talking about human beings. The only one that can meet every need is the Lord himself. Third wrong expectation.

The goal of our marriage is happiness. And if I'm not happy, then maybe we shouldn't be married. Again, let me ask you, can you show me in scripture where the goal of your marriage is happiness? You might say, well, it's kind of a prima facie thing, isn't it? I mean, it's obvious.

Isn't that what marriage should be all about? No. Happiness in the word of God is always a byproduct of doing what is right. It is never a goal.

If you know these things, happy are you? No. Happy are you if you do them. In other words, happiness is always a side road, if you will, a byproduct of having obeyed the word of God and carried out the word of God.

So that if there is a lack of what you call happiness in your relationship, then it is not because the two of you weren't meant to be married and that somehow you should seek alternate pathways. It is because you're not bound to the word of God. You've got to get back to a scriptural pattern, back to a scriptural model for what God intends for married life to be.

And to recognize that the goal of our marriage is not happiness. It's honoring God in our relationship and in our lives together for him. So short-sightedness, skills, skills that are poor, poor communication and so on, and we'll possibly touch on that tomorrow night.

Let me just mention one other thing, and that is stagnation in a relationship. We touched on that last night. I'll touch on it again just very briefly.

Just that taking each other for granted. Well, you know, she knows I love her. I told her that 20 years ago.

I'm sure she remembers. And, you know, just taking each other for granted. What is it that keeps you going in your relationship with the Lord? Is it the fact that 35 years ago you found out he loved you when he died for you and that's the last time he told you? Isn't it that constant, not just reminders that he loves you, but discovering new depths and wonders to that love? Isn't that what really, you know, gets you up in the morning and when you discover something like that from the Word of God, it just gets you going again.

And when you read something that brings that love into a new light, a new depth, a new aspect, a new wonder, well, you got to look at how unworthy you are of that love and you appreciate it all the more. You see, it's a daily thing. It should be a daily thing in our relationship with the Lord.

Fresh appreciations of his love. Husbands love your wives even as Christ. To be constantly renewing, revealing, displaying, deepening, broadening, furthering that sense of my love for my wife, your love for your spouse, that's what really prevents drudgery and stagnation and just each taking each other for granted.

Stagnation. Let me come to distinguishing features, because I think this is vital to avoid difficulties and problems, and I probably will not get to everything, but let me just hurriedly mention a few things. What I mean by distinguishing features goes back to Genesis 1, 2, and 3, that God has made us different.

What is, first of all, implied? The fact that God made two, male and female, would suggest that there is something required, something that was lacking in one, that is provided in the other. Now, you might say, well, isn't it just a physical issue and the propagation of specie and the continuation of the race? God has built into nature systems that reproduce without having to have any other external source for reproduction. God could have easily done that with the human family, could have made self-propagating specie.

So, there's something more involved here, and even the very fact that it would require two for the propagation of the race would suggest at least God was teaching a dependency upon each other, and the fact that individuals are not complete in themselves. But not only is there something implied, but I think there's something innate that we see when we look at Genesis 1 and 2 and 3 that is very, very helpful. You will notice what God did with Adam, won't you? Before Eve came on the scene, God made him lord of the garden.

He built into him a sense of leadership, a sense of headship, a sense of direction, but then you notice something else that he did. He gave him responsibility to keep the garden and to dress it, and then he gave him tasks to do to name the animals before ever Eve came. So, from the very beginning of time, man was goal-oriented, task-oriented, accomplishment-oriented.

He was given a job, he was given a problem, and he was told to solve it and to answer it and to take care of it. Doesn't that ring any bells with men in your personality? I mean, isn't that what's wrong with most of us? We're goal-oriented, task-oriented. Here's a problem, let's solve it, let's move on to the next one.

That's the male psyche. That began in Genesis 2 with no apologies to modern-day unisex philosophy. This is built into the Word of God, and it's built into us.

Now, I know we can all find exceptions. We can find men who are not that way and women who are that way, but we are talking of generalities of what is generally true of males in society. But what about the female? She was created for a relationship, wasn't she? It's not good for the man to be alone.

I will make him and help meet for him. I will bring someone into relationship to help him to be what he can be, to fulfill him, and to be able to develop him to his fullest extent. She was made for relationship, and so to the woman was given a special dose of intuitiveness, of emotional content, and she is given that.

Now, that does not mean women cannot be analytical, and intellectual, and perceptive, and goal-oriented, but we are looking here at what is especially characteristic of both. So, I would say then what is innate then in each is the male, a sense of leadership, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of goals, and what is with a female is relationship, and nurturing, and sensitivity, and sacrifice. So that for the male, what becomes important is significance, and what becomes important for woman is security.

Significance and security, the two issues that men and women constantly grapple with. So, if a male is not getting his sense of significance in the home, and a female is not getting her sense of security in a home, then there comes a conflict, and a manipulation to try to get it, and that's a whole issue that we don't have time to look at right now, but just think of what is inferred from that. Men are fact-oriented, women are feeling-oriented.

You know, you could look at just a biblical example. Pilate is faced with the Lord Jesus Christ, and he is weighing all the facts. Innocence, guilt, what the Jews want, what Rome will say, what Herod says.

He's bringing all the facts together, trying to make a decision. Pilate's wife says, I don't care about the facts. All I know is my sleep was disturbed by this whole thing.

This thing is upsetting me. This thing is bothering me. I don't like it.

Just be rid of it. He's weighing up all the facts. She's weighing up all the feelings.

Not only that, but men are solution-oriented, women are sympathy-oriented. Now, you can look at that with Hannah and Ocana. Hannah is longing for sympathy from her husband as she is faced with the tremendous burden of a rival who is constantly berating her because she is barren.

And Ocana comes upon a great solution. I'm just going to give you a double portion. Here it is.

Take it. And that just tells you I'm better than you than ten sons. Isn't that the answer to the whole thing? Most husbands think they're better than ten sons, but most of us learn we're really not.

So, you know, he was solution-oriented and she's just looking for sympathy. You can go down the list. Men are occupied with the end, women with the experience.

Men want to fix it. Women want to feel it. You know, you can look at all that.

But let me just talk about what's influenced by these differences and what can lead to conflicts. First of all, our very concepts, our very ideas and thoughts, the very words we use are affected by our differences in view. Let me give you one illustration from my own wondrous history.

The word shopping. Do you know that that means two entirely different things to a man and to a woman? You know, when we were first married, I had this wonderful idea we do everything together. And so I said, you want to go shopping for a dress? Great, let's go shopping for a dress.

Now, things are different in the US. We have malls all around us, these horrible things that, you know, you go into and you get lost in a hundred stores in a mall. So, you know, you go into the mall and you go to the first department store to find a dress, right? Yeah.

You said we're going to go shopping for a dress and you found it, right? Well, yes, but I want to look at some of the other stores too. But you like it, don't you? Don't you know I said I wanted to go shopping? Well, I thought that was shopping. You found that's not shopping.

So, of course, we don't go shopping together anymore. But I'm just using that as an illustration I think most can identify with, because the same word means something different to both of us. See, again, we are occupied with just do it.

You know, there's a problem. A, I need a dress. Solution, there's the dress.

It's done. But for a woman, it's an experience to go shopping for a dress. And she probably buys a dress and ends up bringing it back later on and getting a different one after it's all said and done.

But many of our ideas and concepts, I don't want to take this off of a serious end, but even something as simple as love. What love means to a man and woman, what romance means to a man and woman, what listening means to a man and woman. Those concepts are totally different to both of us because of the way we come at things and the way we approach things.

So our concepts are different. Our counsel is different. The advice we give is different.

You know, most men have had the experience where their wife has a problem and the wife goes on and on and on. And you want to say, stop it. The answer is obvious, but needs to talk about it.

Where, you know, you had the answer the first minute she started talking, at least you thought you did, but she needs to talk. You know, different view of what it means to give advice, different ideas on communication and so on. So all of that is involved and can lead to tremendous difficulties and conflicts.

You know, most of the time, if a man doesn't have an answer, he doesn't talk about something. If he doesn't have the solution, if there's a problem that has absolutely no answer to it, he doesn't want to deal with it. He denies it.

He hides it because an unanswered problem hits at what is core to his value, his significance. If I can't solve the problem, I don't want to face it. I want to deny its existence.

Whereas if a woman doesn't have an answer, that's fine because she can still talk about it. And the more she talks about it, the better she feels. And so if she's talking about it and I don't have the answer, you know what happens? She keeps talking and I keep running.

And you know, it's like a chase. And I try to find a room to get into to get away from it because I don't want to face it. And you can see how that sounds humorous.

I know. And I don't mean just to be humorous, but you can see the conflicts that can arise that quickly each begins to think the other doesn't care about the other. And it sets the substrate for other difficulties to arise that lead then to what is the final thing, deadly forces that occur in a relationship.

I'm going to have to leave it there because the time has gone and my intention is to be prompt each night.