In this sermon, the preacher discusses how God has designed women and men differently. He emphasizes the importance of a woman's role as a nurturer and caregiver, highlighting the need for home support and stability. The preacher also talks about how men are often less expressive and more focused on action and competition. He shares a humorous anecdote about his own struggles with communication and offers advice on how to approach romance in marriage. Overall, the sermon emphasizes the unique qualities and roles that God has given to women and men.

This message was given at the Building Strong Families Conference held in Dallas, Texas, March 20th through the 22nd of 2000. This conference was sponsored by the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood and Family Life Ministries. Following the message, there will be information on how to order additional materials on building a strong family. Though I do not endorse his theology or worldview, there can be no debate that John Gray, a popular writer several years ago, struck a chord that resonates within each of us with his book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Because in that book, what John Gray pointed out was something that we all intuitively knew and know to be so, and that is this, men and women really are different. We think differently, we see things differently, and we feel differently in the way that we process life and the way that we deal with situations. And it is not surprising that when we come to the Scriptures, we discover that we are indeed different by design. And as I have noted there in your notes, Genesis 2, 18 and 21 through 25 make it very clear that we are by creational mandate different by design. And yet as you look at the biblical data, I think there are two areas where we see that these differences stand out. One is that we are different by this biblical pattern. And secondly, we are also different by personal needs. And I want to spend a good bit of time today talking about how we are different in the area of our personal needs. Because many of you are pastors and Bible teachers, I've given you a significant amount of material, much more than I would be able to cover during this one session together, but some things that you will hopefully be able to use as you do expeditional biblical analysis of marriage and the assignment of men and the assignment of women as husbands and wives and fathers and mothers. And I've given you a number of outlines. Just quickly noting on the second page that if you choose to approach this in a biblically topical way, you can talk about the fact that the Scriptures admonish a husband and father to love and lead, to labor and learn. That a Christian wife and mother is admonished to submit, support, stabilize, and socialize. Now, if I could boil that down more simply, Now, I put this up here on the board because I do think that the Ephesians 5 passage is the classic and foundational text for which I would want to develop an understanding of the roles of men and women. And also, even there, recognizing subtly some of the differences that Scripture develops, not just in that text, but in others. I think you can take these fourfold assignments and boil them down into two. God calls husbands to love their wives and to know their wives. And that is the twofold biblical theological mandate that God gives a man. It gives a husband. He is to love her and he is to know her. A wife, on the other hand, is admonished by God both to follow her husband and to respect her husband. And again, if one looks at the Ephesians passage, you notice that those things are naturally drawn out from those particular passages. In fact, if you just walk on through the handout for a moment, so that I get where I want to spend most of my time, I've given you an outline study from 1 Corinthians 7, Single or Married, What Does the Bible Say? And Paul has wonderful words of advice in the first 11 verses of 1 Corinthians 7. He also has the next outline on Guidelines for Spiritually Mixed Marriages. Paul gives us some insight that's very complimentary to the same teaching that you find in 1 Peter 3 by the Apostle Peter as to how it is that a believer would respond in a marriage relationship where they find themselves married to an unbeliever. I've also included the next page, an outline on 1 Corinthians 11, 2-16, which is a verse-by-verse exegetical analysis of what the Bible says in that particular text about the role of women in the church. And then going to the classic passage in Ephesians 5, you see there being filled with the Holy Spirit, Part 1 would be one possible way of analyzing that. And you'll note that three things accrue when believers are filled with the Spirit. They praise their God, wives respect their husbands, and husbands love their wives. And I developed the fact that the word love occurs five times in verses 25-33, and there are various aspects of the kind of love that a man is to have for his wife that Paul develops in some detail there. And then on the next page, being filled with the Holy Spirit, Part 2, I show you how one might approach the teaching assignment of children obeying their parents and parents encouraging their children. And then the next outline, which is moving toward the last three, you can take the Ephesians passage, if you want some time, and make it more concise and simply take it from its twin parallel text in Colossians 3, 18-21, where there Paul does in four verses what he does in over 15 verses in Ephesians 5, 22-6, 4. There you have a very straightforward job assignment, a role assignment to husbands, wives, parents, and children. I like to often point out that though there are only four verses, there are five imperatives that are found in those four verses, and the one person who got two was the husband, which was not surprising to me. And there is also one given to the wife, one to parents, and one to children as well. Again, if you find the need to develop the issue of role assignments of men and women in the church, the next page gives you an outline from Titus 2, verses 1-8, which talks about God's assignment for older men, older women, younger women, and younger men. And then finally, a passage that is very crucial in many of our churches as we are active in evangelism, seeing people come to faith in Christ, and then a spouse finds themselves in a situation where their partner is an unbeliever, 1 Peter 3, 1-7 does provide some wonderful counsel as to how it is we would try to approach our spouse in bringing them to faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. And so there are a number of texts that we could analyze as we are thinking about talking about the assignment that God gives men and women in marriage. And even as you analyze those texts, you begin to suddenly pick up some insights into their differences. And so again, the differences begin in one sense with what God's expectation is. Husband, love your wives, know your wives, follow your husband, respect your husband. That then brings us to the section in your notes where you see, at the top of the page, seven basic needs of a woman. If I am teaching this material because I am committed to a biblical exposition approach, what I am going to do is expound Ephesians 5, 25-33, verse by verse, phrase by phrase, word by word. Then having done that, I will step back with my congregation and say, now, how would we work this out practically in life? In other words, gentlemen, if God has called you to love your wife, as Christ loved the church, and God has called you to know your wife, 1 Peter 3-7, how has God put her together? What is this wonderful creature called woman like when you look at both what the Bible has to say, and even from some legitimate studies within the arena of psychology and relationships? Well, on this particular page, I have listed for you what I have called seven basic needs of a woman. This is not to say that this list is exhaustive, though I will say to you, in having the joy of doing marriage conferences now for over 12 years, I've never had a woman disagree with this list, not even one time. The list is somewhat similar to some studies that were done by Dr. Willard Harley, in his very fine book, His Needs, Her Needs, How to Have an Affair-Proof Marriage. I know simply because of my experience as a husband, as a pastor, now as a professor in a school of theology. I teach at Southern Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky, and work with husbands and wives who are going into ministry. I think that there are a couple of other things that are very apparent, both biblically and just personally, as I try to understand how it is that God has put a woman together. I would not fight you over this, but I personally believe that this list is also correctly prioritized, so that you're moving from the most important need in the life of a woman to that which is of less importance, so all of them are crucial and significant. I want to point out, before we move into examining this list, that men must confess that we have not always done a very good job in meeting the needs of our wives. In fact, Time Magazine, on February 14, 1994, ran as its cover story, The Body of a Man with the Head of a Pig. And the title of that particular magazine was, at the top, Are Men Really That Bad? And in that particular article, they kind of set forth as typical American males, people like Burt Reynolds, Senator Hatfield, or Packwood, excuse me, Mike Tyson, Donald Trump, and Joey Buttafuoco. And they said, here they are, in all of their infamy, the typical American male. And indeed, we must confess that some men, because of the fact that they are insensitive, have not been very good at meeting the basic needs of their wives. And some men, more out of ignorance, have not been very good at meeting the basic needs of their wives. They would like to, but they don't know what they are. And so I want to very quickly make some comments about how it is that I believe God has wired a woman. Number one, I do believe the most basic need that a Christian woman has is the need for her husband to be a spiritual leader. She is looking for her husband to be a man of God. Someone who is courageous. Someone who lives by certain convictions and commitments. Now guys, those are all strong words. Courage, conviction, commitment. But you'll notice in that first sentence, the next two words are compassion and character. Those are more gentle words. And I would want us to understand that being a very strong, masculine male, and also being someone gentle, is not mutually exclusive. You can be both gentle and strong at the same time. And there's no reason that all of that cannot be wrapped up together in the person of a godly man. And so your wife is looking for someone who knows the Lord, who loves the Lord, who obeys the Lord. And one of the things I would want to say to us who are pastors, sometimes men make the mistake of thinking, well, I'm just not very studious. I'm not very much wired and geared toward in-depth study. I could never be, you know, a theologian. And therefore, I could never be a man of God. What we have to help men understand is, it's not what is up here that is important. It is what is here that is important. Now, I'm not negating this. But the fact of the matter is this. In my own life, the man that influenced me more for good when it comes to the things of God was a man with a ninth grade education who was a steel construction worker. But he loved the Lord. He taught me how to share my faith. He taught me how to pray. He taught me how to begin a systematic study of the Word of God. And I've had the joy of sitting under some wonderful persons. Dr. Paige Patterson is my father in the ministry, preached my ordination, was my preaching professor. I learned a ton from him. But no one impacted my life more than this layman with a ninth grade education who was a steel construction worker. But he was a great man of God because he loved God. And if you have that kind of heart, then you can be a spiritual leader in your home. The educational level that you achieve will be irrelevant. Secondly, your wife has the need for personal affirmation. And really, the operative word here is appreciation. I say there, he openly commends her in the presence of others as a marvelous mate, friend, and lover and companion. And she feels that to him no one is more important in this world. I like to say it this way. Most men appreciate their wives. But that is not the issue. The issue is does your wife feel appreciated? Several years ago, I was invited to speak at a church. And a lady went to the trouble of tracking my address down and writing me this card before I ever showed up to speak at that church. It's anonymous, so I do not even know who wrote it. But I want you to listen to what she wrote to me. Dear Dr. Rankin, I hope you received my card before the marriage conference at our church. I recently married a member of our church. He will be attending the seminar. This past Valentine's Day, he did not acknowledge that romantic holiday, and I was very hurt. I watched as my co-workers received flowers. To make things worse, he joked about it in front of one of my friends. My mom told me that I should have known what to expect since he never gave me flowers while we were dating. This may sound selfish and petty on my part. I'm just so discouraged. After I come home from my job, I do the housework and I cook and shop. I wouldn't mind so much if he would just occasionally show his appreciation. The only time he has ever given me a gift is on my birthday and Christmas. It would mean so much to me if just once he would give me something just because he loves me. I exercise and I try to look nice. I iron his clothes and I cook his favorite meals. He has thousands of dollars to invest in the stock market, but he has never spent one dollar on a romantic gift for me. I know flowers will eventually wilt, but they're so beautiful. I'm afraid my love will eventually wilt. Will you pray for me? Now, folks, I'm willing to wager that that husband does love and does appreciate his wife. But that's not the issue. The issue is by the things he says and the things he does. Does she feel appreciated? And the overwhelming answer is no, she doesn't. I was speaking at a church one time and I shared this principle. And I said, you know what, guys, for example, one of the things you can do is just pick up the phone in the middle of the day, call your wife and see how she's doing. Don't call and ask her what's for dinner. Don't call and ask her what came in the mail. You just call and say, honey, I was just thinking about you and I want to see how your day is going. So the next night, this really pretty young lady came up to me. She said, Dr. Akin, my husband listened to you last night. I said, well, he did. She said, oh, he sure did. We've been married for seven years. My husband has never called me from work even one time. But today he called me five times. Well, at first I was so proud of myself thinking, well, here I am doing these family conferences and I have succeeded well. But then a terrifying thought entered my mind as God humbled me. And I looked at him and I said, can I ask you a question? What did he say? I mean, think about it. You haven't thought of anything to say in seven years. What are you going to say five times in one day? And sure enough, every conversation lasted less than a minute. And it was pretty much to be boiled down to, honey, it's me. I was thinking about you. I love you. I hope you're having a good day. Goodbye. And he hung up the phone five times. Well, I looked at her then and I said, well, goodness, I'm so sorry it didn't work out. And here's what she said. She said, oh, no. It was wonderful. Just the fact that he thought to call. That just means everything. He then said, we can work on the words later. But if he doesn't call, we don't even have anything to work on. And so they have a very great need for appreciation. Number three, your wife has a need for personal affection and romance. And I'll simply say this quickly just because of time. Most men have no idea what romance is from a woman's perspective. In fact, behind this page, I've given you two pages of suggestions that women give. I'm so glad they did because most of us are not as males wired to understand what romance is from a female perspective. For a man, romance means sex. But for a woman, it can mean a thousand and one different things. I discovered this the hard way. And my wife is here this afternoon and has given me permission to share any of the things I share about our own relationship. We've been married for about 10 years and we were living in Dallas. And at that time, I was teaching at a Bible college. And because I was trying to keep up on things, I was doing a good bit of reading at that time. Even though I teach theology, I was reading in the area of marriage and family, secular, spiritual sources. And it did not matter what I read. All of the books said again and again and again, women need romance, women need romance, women need romance. Well, best I could tell, I had a pretty happy wife. So, I came home one day and I walked into the kitchen and I said, Charlotte, let me ask you a question. Am I romantic? Now, folks, she yanked her head around so quickly. I am amazed to this day that she did not permanently damage her neck. And she had a look in her eye that I had really never seen before. But I knew it was not going to be a good answer that I would receive. And so, she said, well, now that you ask after 10 years of marriage, let me begin by saying I do love you. Now, that's bad. I mean, this is one time that I love you is not something you're looking for. You know what she's doing? She's prefacing the slam dunk. And so, she says, I do love you. And I could not imagine being married to anybody else. And I want you to know you're a great daddy to our four sons. But now that you ask, no, you're not romantic. I don't think you would recognize romance if it bit you on the leg or slapped you in the face. So, having the typical male response, my ego badly bruised, I said, well, I've been reading about this stuff lately and it says you need it. And she said, well, I'd love to have it. And I said, well, I'm going to see what I can do about doing better and maybe giving it to you. And she said, well, the fact that you're going to try, I actually find romantic. So, I said, well, all right, mate, we're off to a good start here. Now, this story is not embellished one witch. She's sitting right against the wall, right in the middle. You can ask her. This is the gospel truth. It was a Friday night. We were living in Dallas. I thought it was time to be romantic. So, I came up behind my wife and I began to massage her back and neck. I thought that was a very romantic thing to do. She turned around and said, why don't you go and leave me alone? Quit bothering me. I said, well, honey, I thought that was romantic. She said, no, it's not romantic now. It won't be romantic later either. I knew what that meant, too. So, I went to bed early that night by myself. There was no need staying up. Saturday rolled around and I was still licking my wounds. My wife, when she takes a shower, she likes to use this stuff called Skin So Soft from Avon. Some of you would be familiar with it. It really smells good. If you've got dry skin, it will slime you up something good. It's also, by the way, a great insect repellent. Yes, it is. It will keep the bugs off of you. So, put your Skin So Soft on and you're good to go. Well, she puts it on her body, I guess for the dry skin. I'm not sure, but I'm assuming that. And then she wipes it off with a towel. Well, the towel was lying on the bed and I walked over. I know this makes no sense, but I picked up her towel and I smelled it. And I said, you know, honey, this towel smells like you. And my wife said, now that's romantic. Can we process this for just a moment? I have just told my wife she smells like a towel and she's saying that's romantic. And so, I said to her, don't make fun of me. I'm really trying to understand this thing. And she said, well, I found it romantic. And she walked away. And I really, before the Lord, in my heart said, well, Lord, we can forget this. I can't do this romance thing. I'm not wired to understand how she thinks about romance. And then the Lord showed me how this romance thing works. Now, folks, this is not inspired like the Bible. But it is by far the most inspiring thought I ever had. And it revolutionized a significant part of our marriage because I came to understand how romance works. And I'm going to share it with you very quickly. It's like this, number one. Romance is a game. And it is a very particular game. It is the game of hide and go seek. Your wife hides it and you seek it. And that's romance. And if you find it, to quote that great philosopher, Mayberry, Andy Griffin, it's good. Oh, it's good. Now, if you don't find it, you've got one of two options. You can be nasty and mean and ugly and been out of shape and just be an old grouch of a husband for the rest of your life. I've met lots of men like that. Or you can remember, it's a game, hide and go seek. She hides, I seek. And sometimes I win. And sometimes what? You lose. But, hey, that's the fun of playing the game. But it's hide and go seek. Now, number two, and this isn't fair, but we're all big people. And so we know that life isn't fair. It's just some things, that's the way they are. What does romantic to your wife say today? It won't be romantic tomorrow. Women are incredibly gifted at moving the romance all over the place all the time. In fact, sometimes they move it in the same day. In fact, sometimes they move it to a place that they don't even remember where it is, but they expect you to find it. And so romance is this wonderful game of hide and go seek. She hides it, you seek it. It's always changing. It's always moving. It's always shifting. But if a man is going to be the kind of man that God has called him to be, and he is going to meet one of the most basic needs of his wife in the area of romance, he will work diligently to learn to understand it from her perspective. And as I said, women find very strange things romantic. I wish I'd brought a list also that I have on men, because here's something that I think will help us guys especially. Men, when it comes to romance, are very eye-oriented. Why? Because men are creatures of sight, and men are very much moved by what they see. Women, on the other hand, are not so much creatures of the eye as they are of the ear and of the heart. And if you look at the list behind the seven basic needs of a woman, you'll find not one thing. Now, that's a list that women gave us. That's not my list. That's a list that women gave us. You will find that not one thing has to do with how you look, but there are all sorts of things that are there that will speak to her heart through her ear. And so we need to understand that they process romance in a radically different way than we do. If you have some guys in your churches that need a little encouragement in this area, let me share with you that the Germans several years ago took a survey, and they discovered an amazing thing. If a man will kiss his wife in the morning before he goes to work, he lives on average five years longer than a man who doesn't, has 50% less illnesses, and he makes 20 to 30% more money. So guys, even if you don't like her, you ought to kiss her because you're going to live longer, you're going to be sick less, and you're going to make more money. I mean, what a deal. And so there's your motivation for being romantic with your wife. Now, number four and number five I'll tie together. Your wife has the need for intimate conversation. She has the need for honesty and openness, working backwards. Guys, your wife is wired by the Lord in such a way that she wants to be a part of who you are on the inside. She really wants to be close to you. When you're up or when you're down, when you succeed or when you fail, when you're happy or when you're sad, she wants to share that with you. And so she wants you to be open and honest with her so that she can get involved with the real you on the inside. Secondly, she wants you to talk to her intimately, and you'll notice I speak there in terms of a conversation that is at the feeling level, that is heart to heart. Men must learn to hear the heart behind the words of a wife. Because women speak from the heart, and they use words as the means of getting it there, but sometimes we guys misunderstand or don't pay attention, and we just focus on the words and we miss the heart behind the words. For example, a man will come home at the end of the day, walk into the home and give his wife a kiss on the cheek and say, Honey, how did your day go? And she'll say, Fine. Now, does that fine mean fine? No, that fine means bad. Because that's how women communicate. They use code language. But you're not listening, you're not listening. So you go into the family room, you get that wonderful male therapy device, the remote control, and you exercise your fingers for several hours, but then something hits you. She didn't fix me any supper. And you get amazingly sensitive when you get hungry. So you find her in the back of the bedroom and you say, Honey, is anything bothering you? And she says, No. Now, does that no mean no? No, that no means yes. But you know what else it means? You weren't interested in finding out three hours ago? I ain't about to tell you now. Jesus will return to this planet before you know what's bothering me. And you say, Well, she shouldn't be like that. No, you should have been listening when you got home. Because in a female way of conversing, when you walked into that house, kissed her on the cheek and said, How are you doing? And she said, Fine. She was screaming loudly, I've had a bad day. She was. And if you've been married any time at all, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't, then you have probably suffered through this particular scenario again and again and again. And it's time to figure out what's going on. Well, number six and number seven, I'll put them together for time's sake. Your wife also has a need for home support and stability. And she also longs for you to put the family first. In other words, outside of your relationship with Christ, nothing is more important to you than your wife and your children. And you'll see the last line under the sixth point, her need for home support and stability. Remember, the husband, the father is the security hub of the family. And nothing brings security in the life of a child like knowing that my daddy is there and my daddy is taking care of things. And I can rest in the reality and the comfort and the certainty that dad is in place and dad is overseeing things and dad is taking care of things. So, those in a real quick thumb sketch is how it is that God has put a woman together. Now, flip over a couple of pages and let me also talk to you very quickly about how it is that God has also put a man together. Let me begin by sharing something that I think you'll find both interesting and somewhat entertaining. A good friend of mine by the name of Charles Lowry is the pastor of the Hoffmantown Baptist Church in Albuquerque, New Mexico. He also has a PhD in psychology and is a wonderful marriage and family speaker. And it's just gifted. I mean, just a gifted, gifted speaker. Well, several years ago, as he was trying to help his church understand in a friendly sort of a way, differences between men and women, he wrote a newsletter column for his church that is simply entitled, Men. Now, I just want you to listen to some of the things that Charles wrote because I think it again speaks to some of these differences. A few years ago, the Forrester sisters sang a song about men. It went something like this. They buy you dinner, they open your door. But other than that, just what are they good for? Men. Well, men have problems, especially with relationships after all. We grew up playing baseball, football, king of the hill, catch of the flag. We grew up competing with each other, doing things and fixing things. And we don't talk much, especially about our feelings. You might say that deep down, a man is real shallow. In fact, a man thinks talk is a four letter word. He thinks the relationship is going great if he doesn't have to say anything. Putting a man in a situation where he has to talk makes him very uncomfortable. That's why men go to the bathroom alone, the way God intended it. I appreciate that. A man, though, has difficulty expressing himself. My daughter, Charles says, will call and I will say only three things. How's the weather? Do you need any money? Here's your mother. My wife, though, can talk on the phone for 30 minutes and I say, who was that? And Penny says, oh, I don't know. It was the wrong number. Things are simple with a man. Women are complex. They may even be smarter. Think about it. A man's best friend, or excuse me, a woman's best friend is diamonds. But a man's best friend, it's a dog. Women are more complex. Think about this. When a woman is going out, she has to decide if she's going to wear her hair up or down, slacks or high heels, slacks or dress, casual or dressy dress, stockings, knee-highs or socks, jewelry or no jewelry, lots of makeup or little makeup. And gosh, doesn't that make you tired just thinking about that? A man, on the other hand, picks up some clothes and smells them. And if there's no visible dirt, he has himself an outfit. You see, women dress to express themselves. Men dress so they won't be naked. Of course, the bottom line is, look at what women carry. A purse. It contains everything she might need. Men carry a wallet. It conveniently contains nothing but money and credit cards, which means you can buy or charge whatever you need. Simple, but these differences affect many aspects of a relationship. And he concludes, let me tell you. Simple doesn't work with your wife when it comes to gifts. Gentlemen, if your last gifts to your wife have been things like salad shooters, dustbusters, weed whackers, deluxe irons or drywall compounds, you are in serious trouble. All of these things work, but they won't work with your wife. And so we are significantly different. And turn over to the page that deals with the five basic needs of a man. And let me walk through this quickly. And you'll see again that there is a completely different kind of wiring to a man than there is from a woman. Again, I think this list is correctly prioritized. And so number one, she has a need for, or he has a need, excuse me, for her admiration and respect. And just note the line that's underlined in that paragraph. She is proud of her husband. God made a man in such a way that from his wife more than anybody else, he wants her admiration and respect. When this seminar ends, many of you will come up, whether it's true or not, and you'll be nice to me, say sweet things to me, and I'll appreciate all that. And I'll be honest with you, at the very most basic level of who I am, I hope that I do a good job today. I hope that you like it. I hope that you enjoy it. I hope that you get something out of it. I hope that you like me. I like to be liked, just like everybody else on the planet. So I'll be honest with you. There's another sense in which I really don't care what any of you think about me. And if I get through in a little while and get with my wife and I say, Honey, how did I do? If all the rest of you say, crashed and burned, it was ugly. I can't believe that Rainey asked someone like you to do a seminar. But my wife says, Honey, you were great. You honored the Lord. You were clear. I don't think I've ever heard you any better. I'll be just fine. I will be. Because what she thinks matters to me more than anybody else. We've begun to take surveys at the seminary, Southern, where I teach. Because I always do a family weekend for our incoming students because we're real concerned about the marriages and the families of ministers. And one of the things that I will say is this. Why don't you listen to me? I make a statement that goes something like this. A great woman can take a mediocre man and raise him to the level of good. But a not so great woman can take a great man and drop him to the level of mediocre. And I say to the ladies, you have incredible power for good or ill in the life and ministry of your husband. Furthermore, there's no way for me to overstate how much your husband values your opinion of him. And so what we have, though, is the ladies write a response. They write, they give, they throw out a survey and tell us what their pros and cons of the weekend. And over and over and over and over and over, over the last three years, we've had ladies write back that said something like this. I went home and asked my husband if he really did care what I think. And if what Danny Akin said was right. And my husband said it was the most important thing he said the entire weekend. I never knew he thought what I think mattered so much. But it does on every level. And so it is imperative, it's not by accident, that the last phrase of Ephesians 5 is, and let the wife see that she respects, means to honor, to admire her husband. It is at the very foundation of what a man is. Now, secondly, he also has the need for sexual fulfillment and she does indeed become an excellent sexual partner to him. In survey work, not surprising, men have said this is their number one need. But it's not. Now, it's high up there. Won't deny that. Number two. But not number one. And I think I can show you why. First of all, need number two is intimately related to need number one. Here's the deal, ladies. If you say to your husband, I love you, I admire you, I think you're wonderful, but I have no interest in being intimate with you, not only will you not meet his number two need for sexual fulfillment, you will drive a stake through the heart of his number one need. Because a man finds it absolutely inconceivable that you think he's so wonderful if you're not interested in being intimate with him. Now, again, as we talk to people and as we counsel people, we need to remind them, first of all, sex was God's idea, not ours. He thought it up. He gave it to us as a wonderful gift to be enjoyed within the bonds of marriage. Furthermore, he gave it to us not just for procreation, but he gave it to us for maximum intimate enjoyment. And indeed, he gave us a whole book, The Song of Solomon, dedicated to really one subject, and that is intimacy within the bonds of marriage. Now, let me share something I think will encourage you. We're also discovering that when we do it God's way, not only is it best, it gets better. Let me share with you that in February a year ago, World Magazine had the following story concerning intimacy within marriage. Listen to what they reported. New statistical evidence is showing that traditional families are far superior to the swinging single lifestyle grammarized by TV even when it comes to sex. The National Health and Social Life Survey completed what is now being billed as the most comprehensive studies of American sex lives since the Kinsey Report over 50 years ago. The findings were recently published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, and though they are surprising to many observers, they are not to those of us who believe what the Bible has to say about sex. Now, listen to this. According to the study, sexually active single folk have the most sexual problems and get the least pleasure out of sex. Men with the most liberal attitudes about sex are 75% more likely to fail to satisfy their partners. Married couples are by far the happiest with their sexual lives, and, now listen to this, the most sexually fulfilled demographic group of them all turns out to be, confounding the TV fantasies of the young and the restless, married couples between the ages of 50 and 59. Now, folks, I'm 43, and I think it's pretty awesome right now. And yet, according to the experts, for me, the best is yet to come. And yet, what are we discovering but that God knew what He was doing, and that God knew that as we continue to grow in our knowledge and love for one another, the intimate part of marriage becomes more wonderful, more wonderful, more wonderful. And again, God has put a man together in such a way that this is the very heart of who He is. Number three, your husband or a husband also has the need for home support. There are a number of important words in that paragraph. She creates a home that offers him an atmosphere of peace, quiet, and refuge. She manages the home and care of the children, and the home is a place of rest and rejuvenation. Remember, the wife, the mother, is the emotional hub of the family. I like to say it this way, the wife is the thermostat in the home, and you are. And if a wife's thermostat goes up to about 90, it's not just hot for her, it's hot for everybody. If her thermostat goes back down to about 70 or 65, it's not just cool for her, it's cool for everybody. Now again, we all know the old proverbial saying, in the home, if mama ain't happy, what? Ain't no one going to be happy. Now you can say that's not fair, but we dealt with that a long time ago. It's the way that it is. Because you see, men come home bent out of shape, they tend to just kind of light and settle, like a slug somewhere, and you just stay away from them, they'll stay away from you. But mothers, wives, they don't stay still. They are always moving, upstairs, downstairs, outside, inside. My boys used to say, Daddy, you can lock yourself in the bathroom, but you get that thing over the door and comes in there just to check out, just to see what we're doing. I mean, mamas simply don't allow things to go without being involved in them. And yet, here's what a woman needs to understand. If a man has a wife that tends to gripe and nag and whine, you know the proverb says, a man would prefer to live in the desert or in the roof of the house than around such a woman. Well, this is what happens. Men will either do one of two things. They either fight or take flight. They do. Now, you say, what do you mean by that? Well, most men don't physically fight their wives, but some will. And it happens way too often, even though it is not what most men do. So, if they don't fight physically, they'll fight verbally, but most men can't beat their wives in a verbal battle because women are better with words than are men. They're quicker. They use a logic that throws a man off. And before we can recover, the argument is over and we have been slain. And so, most men won't fight their wives verbally. So, if they won't fight, what do they do? They take flight. Now, some men take flight by walking out of the marriage. Others take flight by walking away from within the marriage. And so, they develop a reputation of being a workaholic. But they're not. As one man said to me one time, it's just much quieter at work than it is at home. Or he'll develop a reputation for being involved in a thousand and one different kinds of activities, anything to stay away from that home that is a war zone and a battlefield. And so, a woman must understand that a man is looking for a place that he can rest, be rejuvenated, a place that is a refuge for him. He needs a place of home support. Number four, he has a need for an attractive wife. Again, men are moved by the I, and yet, I want to add, men want a wife who is both attractive inwardly and outwardly. Inwardly, every woman can make herself absolutely ravishing and gorgeous and unbelievably beautiful. But outwardly, I believe every woman with time and attention and care can take the things that God has given her and make her attractive, make herself an attractive woman. And again, ladies, remember, your husband is a creature of sight, he's moved by what he sees, and he wants to see you as an attractive woman, both publicly and privately. If I had time, I would develop my little speech to the ladies about the thing that was birthed in the pit of hell called a flannel gown. And I would talk to you about this thing that no woman in the Spirit could ever put on her person. In fact, I will stay here for just a moment. I shared this one time in a black Baptist church, and a brother got so excited, he left the pew and came up and gave me a high five at this point of my sermon. I shared it in another church, and after the service, this lady came up to me, and if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here today, and she said, my husband wants to talk to you. Well, I thought I was in trouble, that I'd done something bad, but oh, he came up and put his arm around me and said, man, where have you been all my married life? He said, I want you to come over to the house tonight after church. We're having a granny gown bonfire, and we're going to burn them all. And so I've got substantial data out there that would indicate that men are not impressed with the long-flowing flannel. Number five, your husband also has the need for a life companion. I'll just simply summarize by saying, ladies, your husband needs you to become his best friend. You say, my husband doesn't act like he wants me to be his best friend. I don't care how he acts. God has wired him in such a way that he really does need from you that intimate partnership, you, to be that very best friend that he can confide in, that he can trust. I say to a lot of folks when I speak in this area, no one knows me on this planet like Charlotte, my wife. In fact, she knows me in such a way that if she wanted to, she could ruin me. She could destroy me. She has seen me at my absolute worst. And she knows things about me that nobody else knows but the Lord. And yet I've never even once worried that my wife would take that knowledge and use it against me. And I like to say this, and this is a word of warning as well. In my life, I have many men who are good friends. Well, when I say many, five or six men that I'm very close to, that I'm very accountable to, that we have a very deep relationship. But I have only one person who is my very best friend. And that is my wife. And I would not even have very good friends of the opposite sex. I won't. Now, I like ladies. I think they're wonderful. But I don't need to have ladies that close to me. I need to have one lady that is closer to me than anybody else, my wife. And then beyond that, I need men that I can be accountable to and that can look me in the eye and in love tell me, Danny, I think you're blowing it over here. I think you made a mistake here. Why did you say that? Why did you do that? And I listen to them because I know they love me and they only want what is best for me. Well, as we move toward our close, turn to the page that then says men and women, just how they are different. And here I have given you kind of a breakdown of six areas that we can talk about it. By the way, as we prepare to do this again in a somewhat funny fashion, someone sent me a few years ago. Charlotte can tell you, for years I have said, just kind of my observance. I said, you know what? If I had to compare men and women to an animal, I would say that men are dogs and women are cats. She said, well, why would you say that? I said, well, think about a dog. Think about a man. If you just feed him and pat his head, he'll wag his tail and pant and be happy for the rest of his life. Think about a woman. Think about a cat. You can walk into a room and that cat may come up and it may purr and it may rub up against your leg. Ten minutes later, it may come back to that room and jump on your face and cloud your eyes out and it's the same cat. Well, somebody sent me an article on the internet entitled, Is it a cat? Is it a woman? It may be both. Is it a man? Is it a dog? It may be both. Now, the cat one's kind of funny, but the dog one's hilarious. But I want to share them with you very quickly. Is it a cat? Is it a woman? It may be both. After all, number one, they do what they want. Number two, they rarely listen to you. Number three, they're totally unpredictable. Number four, they whine when they're not happy. Number five, when you want to play, they want to be alone. Number six, when you want to be alone, they want to play. Number seven, they expect you to cater to their every whim. Number eight, they're moody. Number nine, they leave their hair everywhere. And number ten, they can drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg. What is a cat? It's a tiny little woman in a fur coat. Is it a dog? Is it a man? It may be both. After all, number one, they lie around all day, sprawled out on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. Number two, they can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they can't hear you when you're in the same room. Number three, they do disgusting things with their mouth and then try to give you a kiss. Number four, they growl when they're not happy. Number five, when you want to play, they want to play. Number six, when you want to be left alone, hey, they still want to play. Number seven, they're great at begging. Number eight, they will love you forever if you will feed them and rub their tummies. Number nine, they leave their toys everywhere. And number ten, they can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. Well, yes, men are little dogs or dogs are men in fur coats. So, we are different. I summarize in this way. Communication, listening tends to be hard work for most men. It brings great happiness to a woman. Talking can intimidate a man but nurtures intimacy for a woman. Men tend to report facts. Women want to share feelings. That feeds into number four and this one I have a star by it. Men feel compelled to offer solutions. Women want affirmation and assurance. Guys, many times when our wife asks us a question, she's not looking for an answer. She's looking for affirmation, assurance and conversation. Drop down to romance. Romance for men means sex but for a woman, it can mean a lot of different things. Romance for a man is highly visual. It's what he sees. But for a woman, it's much more relational and personal. It's what she feels. Needs. Women need to feel valued. Something that most men hardly ever think about. But men need to feel successful. Something every man thinks about every single day of his life. Women want to be heard. Men need to be praised. Self-worth. Women value relational moments. Men are much more into occupational achievements. Women fear neglect. Something that most men never really think about. But men fear failure. Something they think about all the time. Time. Men do not think much about time, unfortunately. But women value both quantity and quality of time. Men tend to go with the flow. But women appreciate specific and creative ideas. Several years ago, Reba McIntyre wrote a poem that illustrates this very well entitled The Greatest Man. Many of you would know this. The greatest man I never knew lived just down the hall. And every day we said hello, though we never touched at all. He was in his paper and I was in my room. How was I to know he thought I hung the moon? The greatest man I never knew I guess I'll never know. He worked late almost every night. He never had too much to say. Too much was on his mind. And now it seems so sad that everything he gave us took all he had. Days faded to years and the memories to black and white. And he grew cold like an old winter wind that blew across my life. The greatest words I never heard I guess I'll never hear. The man I thought would never die has been dead almost a year. He was good at business, but there was business left to do. He never said he loved me. I guess he thought I knew. Men need to think about time. And then finally, parenting. Mothers nurture. But fathers provide that strength and a child's sense of self-worth. Mothers provide the emotional support for a child, but fathers provide that sense of security. Now, I have a thing I want to share with you that will emphasize both of these as we bring this session to a close. I loved the books of Irma Bombeck. I thought that she said some really neat and witty things. And in her book, Family, The Ties That Bind and Gag, she spoke at the very beginning of the book about her daddy. And listen to what Irma Bombeck said. One morning, my father did not get up and go to work. He went to the hospital and he died the next day. I hadn't thought that much about him before. He was just someone who left and came home and seemed glad to see everyone at night. He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one ever kissed it or got excited about it. And it was understood that when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures, but he was never in them. Now listen to this. Whenever I played house, the mother doll had a lot to do. I never knew what to do with the daddy doll, so I had him say, I'm going off to work now, and I threw him under the bed. Okay? The funeral was in our living room, and a lot of people came and brought all kinds of good food and cakes. We had never had so much company before. Later, I went to my room and felt under the bed for the daddy doll. When I found him, I dusted him off and put him on my bed. He never did anything. I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much. And you see, just by his presence in the home, that dad brought that sense of security and protection that is so vital to the life of a child. But then we talk about the nurturing of a mother. And again, I wish I could give credit. I don't know where this came from. It's simply entitled One Woman to Another. But I've never heard anything address motherhood more appropriately than this. And I share this and we close and take any time for questions that you would like. Time is running out for my friend. While we were sitting at lunch, she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of starting a family. What she means is her biological clock has begun its countdown and she is being forced to consider the prospect of motherhood. We're taking a survey, she says, half-joking. Do you think I could have a baby? It will change your life. I say carefully, trying to keep my tone neutral. Oh, I know, she says. No more spontaneous vacations. But that is not what I mean at all. I try to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. That the physical wounds of childbearing heal. But that becoming a mother will leave an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking what if that had been my child. But every plane crash and every fire will haunt her. And when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder, could anything be worse than watching your child die? I look at her manicured nails and stylish suit and I think, no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That the urgent call of mom will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. Oh, she might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home just to make sure her child is alright. I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five-year-old boy 's desire to go to the men's room rather than the woman's at a restaurant will become a major dilemma. That issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that men's restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but she will also hope for many more years not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his. My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son or daughter. I think she should know she will fall in love with her husband all over again for reasons that she would now find very unromantic. I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child hit a baseball. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it hurts. My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. You'll never regret it, I finally say. Then, squeezing my friend's hand, I offer a prayer for her and me and all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of all callings. I shared that one time at a church just outside of Fort Lauderdale and afterwards this man came up to me and said, you know what you said about a mother could not be more true? Let me give you an illustration. He said, let me ask you a question. If a child's life is in danger and the mother is there and the daddy is there, who will respond more quickly and spontaneously? And I said, well, that's easy. The mother. He said, no question about it. He said, a man being a man will look and begin to process it. My child is in danger. There is a need for me to respond. What would be the appropriate action for me to take? Mothers don't do that and he said, let me give you an example. Just a couple weeks ago down here in South Florida, an alligator came up out of the Everglades and grabbed a two year old baby in their backyard and began to run off into the brush. The dad immediately began to look for something to grab to go hit the alligator, not the mother. She went into a dead sprint, jumped on the alligator, began to hit it, bite it, kick it, scream at it. After about 15 seconds of that torture, that alligator let go of that baby, scurried off into the Everglades, the mother got up, realized what she had done, and passed out right there on the spot. Now why? Because she didn't think, she just moved from the heart. Because that's the way God wired a woman. That dad, he'd have got there eventually, it might have been too late, and he'd have beat the alligator's brains out. But you see, men don't move first from the heart, they move first from the mind, from the head. Why? Because again, we're different. God wired us that way and it really is a very good thing. Alright, let me stop and just simply see if you have any questions that you would like to raise. The material, take it, use it in any way and every way that you want. If it's helpful, great. If it's not, just set it aside. But I simply wanted to give you some things that I thought would be helpful to you as a pastor and as a Bible teacher and so it's yours to use in any way that you want. But any questions? Yes? Are you just holding your hands up like that for ten minutes? We got ten minutes to go? Okay, so I got ten minutes. Sir? Yes. One of the things I also do when I speak in marriage conferences is I talk about warning signs of a failing marriage and I talk about one danger is when basic needs are met outside of the marriage. For example, here's a woman that has the need for intimate conversation. Her husband doesn't talk to her. She finds a guy at church who will. And all of a sudden there's this attraction that develops. Or you have a man whose wife is always putting him down and in the job place he's got a woman that as I tell ladies whose husbands work with other women, he's probably working with a woman who looks good, smells good and always treats him well. So that's what you get paid to do. And then she begins to praise him and affirm him and all of a sudden a most basic need is being met and you're opening a door then for an affair. What I try to help people understand is that these are needs or the way that men and women are wired in a sense. But yet there's also a sense which ultimately this will build upon what John Piper said last night. Everything that is here should be first given to God. And these are things that you commit to him and then you say to him, Lord, if these needs, if I have the need for sexual fulfillment and for whatever reason that need is not being met right now in my marriage, then I just simply drop to my knees before the Lord and I begin to give that need to him and I do not even allow the possibility of that need being met in any other way than through my mate or from God. And yes, it is something and the thing is these needs when they're not being met they do hurt. I've never met anyone that says, well, yeah, this isn't happening but I don't care. No, you do care and it does hurt because God designed for the marriage to work in that kind of a way but you've got to be careful because when you open the door for that need to be met in some other avenue then you have cracked the door for that affair and as Dennis Rainey said so well yesterday and we've been reminded many times, affairs start usually on the emotional level before they ever reach the physical level and they do not happen like that. They happen over an extended period of time. And so, if you simply put, which is kind of going back to what I said earlier, I follow the Billy Graham rule. I've been accused of being a Neanderthal and a sexist and other things. I've never been accused of being an adulterer though. I never spend time alone with a woman other than Charlotte. I'll never be alone with a woman other than her, than she. Why? Because you won't commit adultery in front of a bunch of people. You just won't do it. So, if I'm never in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person the wrong thing won't happen, at least as a physical act. Now, my thought life, that's a whole other issue. But at least I've drawn a line and created a barrier that that can't happen. And so, I think those are some things we've got to put in place because you're right. We get these needs out before us which are good, of course, to know what they are. But if we then turn inward and begin to say, well, look, I've got these five and she doesn't do anything and this one, this one. I've got these seven and he's not doing this one. Well, I have a right to be, I have a right for these needs to be met. No, you don't. These are blessings that go beyond your right. You have a right to honor God. You have a right to be holy. You have a responsibility to seek Him first and then let these other things come later. And so, it starts with that kind of focus and that's a great point. Okay? Another question? Yes, ma'am. Is there a place, is there a place in the home that can kind of be, you know, blocked off and shut away? For example, in our family, when we lived in Dallas, we had a home that had a garage that became, it was finished and so it became my study. And when I was out there working on my dissertation or working on a book project or something, we would shut the door and Charlotte would just simply try to say, guys, when dad's out there and the door's shut, do your best to kind of, you know, stay away and play out in the back, play out in the front, but give that space and time to him when he's out there and it worked pretty well. It didn't work perfectly, but I don't think I want it to work perfectly. I still like it from time to time for him to come blasting through there and wanting to do something. But if you can set aside an area and just kind of, now how old are your children now? Yeah. Just maybe even block it off, you know, if you have to put something up. If there isn't such a place and just, you know, as I would say to him, as I would say to myself, block off some time. Don't block off all the time. My students now that come to the seminary, you know, those of you that were in seminary, it's a tough thing, especially if you come later with a marriage and children and they'll say, you know, how am I going to get everything done? And so I'll say, well, let me ask you a question. How many of you usually sleep late on Saturday? And almost all of them raise their hands. I say, well, that's great. You don't have to sleep late anymore. You can get up at six every Saturday and study from six to ten. Then you've gotten four hours of studying and you didn't shortchange your wife or your kids. How many of you like to take Sunday naps? Not anymore. Two to five, you study. And if your wife, kids take a nap, now I've found you four, seven hours of study in just two days. Now they look at me kind of like, you know, the deer in the headlight. Not that I'm very serious. You're committed to being a godly husband and a godly father. You don't want to cheat those children of their time. You don't want to cheat your wife of her time. Your problem is you're not disciplined. And so get your tail out of bed and go study when they're asleep or when they're doing something else and they won't feel cheated and you'll do fine in school. And then you can give them time that they need so that the seminary experience is not one that you leave with a bad taste in your mouth but one you leave and say, you know what? As hard as it was and as demanding as it was, our marriage is better and our family is better than when we got here. And we really, at Southern, we really hammer this now. We do an orientation and I kind of do what I just did today. And I talk about the needs of a man, the needs of a woman, tell lots of funny stories and then I tell the gentlemen, guys, I'm the dean of the School of Theology, a professor of theology. If you have me for a class and it comes down to you making a C or even a D in my class but making an A at home, make the C or the D. I've never been asked what grades I made in seminary. Never. And I've been asked lots of times about, tell me about your wife, tell me about your children. And so don't play the fool. And sacrifice your children on that. Now we can just move that right into ministry. And we can move that right into occupation. The same principle transfers across the board. So again, with him, I say one, try to find time when they're asleep, when you're resting. That's a great time for you to get in there and just get after it. Then secondly, try to find an area that you can block off that they kind of know when dad's over there, dad's trying to get some study in. He won't be there all day but he'll be there for a couple of hours and that's, you know, let's do our best to play back here, play over here and leave dad alone. And my kids did pretty well when I had four boys and as I said, overall, they did fine. Okay? Another question? Another? Yes, sir. It's a great question. What about people that don't track exactly down this list? I tell them, first of all, this list is not hard and fast. Generally, most people are like this. Most men are like these five things. Most women are like these. But we are different. And you'll find some personalities that do kind of blend over. There's nothing wrong with that at all. It's simply, again, a reflection of how God has wired you. Some men are more emotional than others. Some women are less emotional than others. Some men, though not most, are moved more by what they hear. You know, this is where Gary Chapman's very fine book The Five Languages of Love where he talks about you speak love languages either in, say, time, touch, gifts, acts of service, and what am I leaving out? I said time. Time and touch, acts of service, gifts, words. How did I forget that? Ask me. My two love languages are words and touch. I love to be petted. I mean, I am the true dog. Pat my head, actually rub my feet. And I mean, I'm just in high... My wife can get anything she wants out of me if she says, well, honey, I was going to give you a two-hour foot rub. What do you want? Here. Here's the wallet. Here's the... Anything you want. I mean, I just love that. And I love to be praised. And if I don't get that, emotionally, I feel somewhat empty. She, on the other hand, is much more wired toward gifts and time. And I should have seen it because my wife, she just stepped out for a moment. She grew up in a children's home. And so, no family was ever there. And even when she was a little girl before she went to the children's home, she shared with me that she had Christmases and birthdays where she got nothing. So, her parents were alcoholics. They were lost. They divorced. Just... You think of the most horrific mess you can imagine. And there it was. And so, those things matter to her immensely. And there's some kind of crossing over there in needs. And so, part of it comes back. It's a simple book, but it's very profound. And when I read it the first time, I said, gosh, this is Danny Aiken to a T. Touch and time. I mean, touch and words. Here's Charlotte. Gifts. Well, I mean, I just bring her, you know, some little giddy that didn't cost anything, but I just took the time to go get it. And I mean, you'd think I was father or husband of the year. And it's just something I picked up at the Cracker Barrel after I ate my pinto beans and, you know, my corn and my pork chop. But I was walking out and there's those little candle things, you know, and I pick those little candles home. Well, she just thinks that's, you know, grand, glorious, and wonderful. So there's that kind of crossover. These are not hard, fast categories, but they generally do speak to where most men generally are and where most women generally are. So that's what I would try to help them understand. Okay? Anything else? All right. Thank you so much. It was an honor to be able to speak to you this afternoon.