24. Paysons Conflict with a Lingering Pride of Heart.

Paysons Conflict with a Lingering Pride of Heart

" I find," he writes, " scarcely any time to read or study, and am constrained to go into the pulpit with discourses so undigested, my pride is constantly mortified, and though it lies groaning and bleeding under continual wounds, it will not be persuaded to give up the ghost." In a letter to his mother he writes, " You must not say one word that even intimates that I am growing in grace. I cannot bear it. Everybody here, whether friends or enemies, is conspiring to ruin me. Satan and my own heart will of course lend a hand, and if you join them too, I fear all the cold water which Christ can throw upon my pride will not prevent it from breaking out into a destructive flame. As certainly as anybody flatters or caresses me, my heavenly Father has to whip me for it, and it is an unspeakable mercy that he condescends to do it. I can easily muster a hundred reasons why I should not be proud, but pride won’t mind reason, nor anything else but a good drubbing. Even at this moment, I feel it tingling at my finger ends and seeking to guide my pen."