Abner Jones - 02-Meetings, Believing, and Refusal to be Baptized

Meetings, Believing, and Refusal to be Baptized

I shall not trouble the reader with any thing more, until I arrived at ten years of age; at which time the impressions of my mind became much greater than ever. I felt myself miserable without an interest in Christ. At this time there were several others, who appeared to be impressed as well as I.

I remember to have heard of a wonderful meeting just in the edge of Woodstock, under the preaching of Elder Baldwin who then lived in Canaan, in New-Hampshire; but now in Boston. I remember Elder Jedidiah Hibbard preached a sermon in Bridgewater, about this time, at which time, Sylvanus White, and others, appeared to be deeply impressed in their minds. I heard of several about this time of whom it was said that they were converted; but this did not satisfy my mind, all was darkness and gloominess.

About this time there came a man by the name of Snow into these parts, who was a Baptist preacher, or rather an exhorter. He had a meeting appointed one evening about a quarter of a mile from my father’s, and I attended the meeting. As I was going to the meeting, I remember of trying to pray that God would have mercy on me. I felt particularly desirous that I might get some good that evening. I do not remember ever to have had such a desire before in all my life. When I sat down in this meeting every thing seemed overspread with gloominess and darkness, and every thing of a religious nature appeared melancholly; and I do not remember that the thought ever passed my mind that religion yielded any joy, or peace; all the advantage I though of, was that it would save the soul from eternal misery; and on that account I felt desirous to obtain it; feeling fully satisfied of my lost undone situation. As I sat pensive and covered with gloominess, (though I can not say that I saw myself hanging immediately over hell as some have discovered themselves;) it appeared to me as though for a moment I was lost, and then every thing appeared new. I really thought that the preacher, had entirely altered his subject from something that was melancholy and gloomy, to something joyful and happy. The following thoughts passed through my mind in swift succession. What is this? It is something entirely new, and it is in exact opposition to nature, it makes me completely happy; I wish to enjoy it forever. After the speaker had done, my father arose and gave a word of exhortation, as I had often heard him before, which always until that time, seemed to strike my mind with gloominess, but I really thought my father had spoken as he never had before, for it appeared to be glorious. I did not at that time think that the alteration was in me, but through it was in my father. The unspeakable joy and peace which I then felt, I cannot describe. I really thought that I was completely happy, and wished for nothing more. After meeting was over, I recollect of hearing people speaking concerning the things of the world, which to me appeared very disagreeable, and I could not bear to hear the conversation; it made me feel unhappy, in some degree, and the complete happiness which I thought I before enjoyed, was in some degree abated. But the fear of being miserable, was entirely gone from my mind; and the dreary gloom that before rested on my mind, was vanished away. I thought the cause of my happiness abating was, the worldly conversation that I had heard; so I concluded I would go home, and retire to bed, and there I should be undisturbed and of consequence should enjoy the same complete happiness which I enjoyed before, for it appeared to me, that one moment’s enjoyment of what I had experienced, was preferable to all that ever I had enjoyed in all my life. After I came home and had retired to bed, I found myself disappointed, I could get that complete enjoyment that I enjoyed in the meeting; although I felt calm and delivered from all distressing fears. It was now I tryed, with all my might, to get that complete happiness again, but could not. All this time I had no idea what it was, that caused this operation in my mind. From whence it came, and whether it went, I could not tell. I had no thought that I was converted. My mind remained in this situation, for a number of days, not knowing what these things meant. At length one day, as I was passing from the house to the barn, these words came with force. "For this my Son was dead, and is alive again; was lost, and is found, Luke 15:24." This was the first passage of scripture that ever was set home to my heart. It seemed to open, and explain to my understanding, how I had been dead in sin, and made alive in Christ; and also, how I had been lost; but was now found of Christ as a Saviour. From that moment, a hope sprang up in my soul for eternal life; but the multitude of time, that I have doubted it since, is indescribable.

O! my wanderings, how often have they pained me to the very heart.

I then drew up a conclusion, that I would never reveal it to any one on the earth while I lived on it. In this situation, I passed on for a number of months, enjoying calmness and peace, the greater part of the time. In those days the gospel to me was truly a joyful sound, and I thought I knew it, and felt the blessings of it. "Blessed is the people, that know the joyful sound, Psalms 89:15." The joy that I felt in my soul under the sound of the gospel, may be judged of by those who have felt the same. The circumstances which opened the way for divulging the exercise of my mind, I shall here mention; though perhaps to some they may seem childish. Remember, I was then a child in every sense of the word. Paul says, "when I was a child I spake as a child, &c." In one part of my father’s house lived a family, by the name of Palmer, and our family and theirs, were in habits of intimacy. One after noon, my mother and one of my sisters, and Mrs. Palmer, were conversing on the subject of the singular manner of the divulging some things, which was intended to have been kept as secrets. At that moment, I unwarrily observed that I knew of something that I never had revealed to any one. (Having an illusion to the operation of my mind.) I had no sooner thus spoken, than my mother, sister and Mrs. Palmer began to persuade me to reveal the secret; but I utterly refused, telling them, that I never had told any one and that I was determined that I never would. After much persuasion, and to no effect, they gave over. My mother observing that I was struck with great solemnity, and some what agitated, was greatly troubled about me, for fear that I had committed some heinous crime, and so was determined to conceal it. In this situation, my mother and sister withdrew, and left me and Mrs. Palmer alone in the room. Mrs. Palmer then began to entreat me a second time to reveal the secret, but I still refused. After much entreaty, she asked me if I would tell her if she would guess what it was. I told her I would; for I was not afraid of her guessing right. After endeavouring to find out in this was, to no purpose, she asked me if it was of a spiritual or a temporal nature. This question struck me with silence. After being asked a number of times, I told her that it was of a spiritual nature. She then in- sisted that I should tell her and after some entreaty, I engaged that I would tell her, if she would make a solemn promise, not to reveal it to any other one; to this, she therefore agreed. I then related to her what is above written, as to the exercise of my mind. While I was relating the dealings of the Lord with me, unto Mrs. Palmer, I felt the divine rekindling in my soul; and I believe Mrs. Palmer enjoyed the same, whose mind had been exercised much in the same way. At this time, I believe I experienced what Paul has written, Romans 10:10, "For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation." This was the first time that ever I confessed Christ before man, in any degree; and a great blessing I found to my soul. I think my joy was made full at that time, and I felt the love which I enjoyed at the first. After I had related to Mrs. Palmer, I perfectly well remember of her making the following observations, "I thought before that you looked like a minister, and I do not know now but what you will be one. Mrs. Palmer, however, through the solicitations of my mother, soon broke her promise, and divulged the whole matter; and so it was then known to the family, and I was glad of it; for I was willing all the world should know it, for my soul was filled with joy unspeakable and full of glory. After this I remained in a very happy frame of mind for a few days, at which time, I felt it on my mind to be baptized, and the duty appeared plain; the cross, also appeared great, and I shrunk at it. This threw me into an awful state of darkness, in so much, that many times, I was almost entirely in despair. This was darkness that might be felt. In this situation, I wandered for many months, excepting now and then when I had some refreshing seasons. While I remained in this state of mind, I thought I felt really glad that my station was no always to be in this world of tribulation, although I did not feel myself ready or willing to die at the present time. One Lord’s day, when I was retired by myself, and prostrate on my face, contemplating on the matter; I felt the heavenly dew begin to water my soul, and my love to the Saviour, to be in lively exercise. It appeared as though the following question was asked me. Are you willing to die now? At that moment my soul was so completely filled with love, that I answered in the affirmative. I saw no fear in death, it was entirely taken away, and I could say, come Lord Jesus, come quickly. I thought I was entirely willing to resign my body, into the arms of death, and my soul into the arms of my Saviour, that very moment. Another query, seemed to present itself to view, viz. Am I willing to live here on this earth? The answer was ready, yes, I am as willing to stay on this earth, as I should be, to be taken this moment into heaven: yea, it seemed to me that if my station was to fixed on this earthly globe for eternity, and not another creature of God’s creation with me; I should be as well pleased, as I should if I were stationed among the shining ranks in heaven. At that time I would not have lifted my finger to have altered anything concerning my self, or any other thing in all the works of God. I thought that I then knew what heaven was, and in order to enjoy it, I need not ascend or descend; but I found it nigh me, even in my heart and in my mouth, and sweeter than honey, yea, than the honeycomb.

After this season was passed, my mind seemed to be much in the same situation, it was before; full of doubts and fears. From the time that I first shrunk at the cross, concerning being baptized; when ever I saw any one baptized, it came before me as a duty also; but I found myself in such a miserable situation, that I dare not obey. Thus, I wandered in darkness for the greater part of the time.