D 03 - Attitudes Toward Life Parsonage

ATTITUDES TOWABD LIFE IN THE PARSONAGE Privacy in the Parsonage

Incidents in which the privacy of the pastor’s- home has been invaded without so much as a knock on the door are mentioned in the literature on ministers’ wives. One author asserts that many parishioners view the parsonage much as they view the post office or any other public building: they pay for its upkeep and are, therefore, entitled to walk in when they please. 7 Do such attitudes still prevail? Do people really walk in unannounced? There are probably isolated situations and incidents of this, but if this ever existed to any extent, it does not seem to be so now. Only one wife in my initial research reported that 102 THE ROUE OF THE MINISTER’S WIFE anyone had entered without knocking, and this intruder was a single, senile old lady.

While the modern minister’s wife does not seem to be bothered by visitors waBdng in unannounced, most of them will agree that life in the parsonage is “ fish-bowl living. 8 * Their reaction to this idea is varied. The wife who mentioned the old lady walking in without knocking reported that she and her husband occasionally watch television at night with the lights out and drapes drawn in order to appear absent from home. This lack of privacy is the thing some ministers* wives dislike most. * I don’t like so much of our lives to be public: our salary, how we spend our time, everything we do/’ is an opinion that would be seconded by many wives. One wife said that being on display so much made her feel like a monkey in a cage!

While it may be irritating and disconcerting at times, most wives seem to accept this as one inevitable aspect of their role. Their lives are public domain. For the most part, ministers’ wives are able to integrate this into thenlife patterns in such a manner that it is no serious problem. ** It’s a part of the work,” said one wife, “ and you get used to it.” Another responded by quoting a nationally known political figure who reportedly said, “ After living in a goldfish bowl a while, you get like the goldfish you just don’t give a hang! “ The wives would likely agree with a group of public figures who stated that a person who is undertaking to live in the public eye must also be prepared to accept the fact that a certain amount of one’s private life will be open to the scrutiny of the community. 8

While some wives view the interest of the community in their private Eves as a kind of snooping, there are those who say that this may be more of a “ friendly concern “

ROLE ATTITUDES TOWARD HER FAMILY UFE 103 on the part of the people. For, as they note, tibe same people who look into the fish bowl are also tibe same ones who rise to the occasion to meet the need of an emergency. The size and structure of the community is an important factor in the privacy which the minister’s wife experiences.

Some wives note that they have more privacy in their present city pastorate than when their husbands were pastors in small or rural communities. This is to be expected. The larger the community, tibe more anonymity its members enjoy, or suffer. Another factor has to do with the proximity of tibe parsonage to the church building. One third of the parsonages in the initial research were located from two blocks to three miles from the church. The other two thirds were located either next door to tibe church or within a block’s distance. The wives who lived away from the church felt that this distance reduced tibe number of parishioners who visited during the day. One wife, whose church had recently bought a new parsonage away from the church building, noted that the new location afforded them a marked increase in privacy. A factor related to privacy that might be overlooked has to do with the particular ministers wife involved. This is the personal equation; that is, those wives who feel their privacy has not been violated are frequently those who do not encourage, and sometimes actively discourage, parishioners from visiting simply to pass the time of day. For instance, one wife with whom I talked reported that when her phone rings or people come to the door, she attends to their business but does not encourage them to stay on “ for a lot of chitchat/’ She hastened to note that she is not rigid in this, for if she senses that someone wants to talk, she sits down and hears him out if he has a problem, or just otherwise enjoys the person’s visit. Then there are other 104 THE ROLE OF THE MINISTEB $ WIFE wives of ministers who encourage visits at inconvenient times by inviting parishioners to wait in the parsonage after a church service until a person comes to pick them up. This probably sounds rather inhospitable but if even a smaE percentage of the membership of a large church drops by the parsonage for a friendly visit, the pastor’s wife is not likely to get much of her own work done. Few other wives in the community are known by as many people as is she. One wife summed up what is being said here by saying, “Many ministers’ wives bring much of this [kck of privacy] on themselves because unknowingly they encourage it, or else they do not know how to discourage it.”

Another facet of this personal equation mentioned above is that one’s personality make-up preconditions one’s interpretation of a particular act or remark. Suppose a parishioner remarks: “ We saw that your lights were out kst night I guess you were gone.** Is this snooping or friendly concern? A wife who needs a lot of privacy may interpret it as snooping. Another wife who likes to know that people think of her may take it as friendly concern. So the same remark can be interpreted in several different ways, depending on the particular personality of the wife perceiving the remark. The wives, then, with whom I have had contact generally have the attitude that while life in the parsonage is something of a glasshouse existence, it is not uncomfortably so. There are certain wives for whom this is a problem and they mention it as the thing they like least about their role. Some factors can minimize the feeling of being on display, such as locating the parsonage farther from the church. In the final analysis, however, the minister’s wife herself is probably the key to a reasonable amount of ROLE ATTITUDES TOWARD FAMILY LIFE 105 privacy. Wives who express this attitude think that this can be done tactfully and without offense.

Children in the Parsonage The pages of history bear testimony to the fact through the centuries anxious parents have complained of wayward, disobedient children and of the difficulties of rearing a family. Still, many would agree that the complexities of modem life confront the twentieth-century parent with new and more difficult problems in child rearing than those confronted by our predecessors. Public figures have even more difficult problems in rearing their children. Not only their lives, but the lives of their children, are open to public scrutiny. The failures and shortcomings of their sons and daughters take on unrealistic proportions. This is particularly true when the * sin * occurs in the area of the parents’ specialization. The coach’s son who fails to make the team, the policeman’s son caught in a crime, the minister’s son convicted of moral laxity, are all sins magnified at the hands of public opinion. One writer notes that fish bowls magnify the size of fish and suggests that those who live fish-bowl lives must be prepared to have trivial incidents exaggerated into occurrences of major proportions. 9 As a public figure, such incidents are not unusual to the minister. A snide remark by his son to a parishioner can foment a crisis.

It is interesting to note that of the four wives included in my initial research who were daughters of ministers two reported that as girls they promised themselves never to marry a minister. One felt this was because her parents were “ gone all the tune,” which threw many household responsibilities upon her. The other wife, who had a rigid and authoritarian father, resolved never to marry a min 106 THE BCXLE OF THE MINISTER^ WIFE ister because as a girl she was left out of many activities engaged in by her peers. Such simple foys as a chocolate soda on Sunday afternoon were strictly taboo. She was exhorted to be an example for the other children. ** But/* she observed, “ I could never see that the world was being revolutionized by my example.” Neither of the two expressed a sense of call to be a minister’s wife and both stated that they had married their husbands not because they were ministers, but because they were attracted to them as. persons. When asked about rearing a family in a parsonage, ministers* wives speak of both the advantages and disadvantages. Though expressed in different words, the two disadvantages most frequently enumerated are: too much attention is showered upon the children; and more is expected of their children than of other children. The three advantages most frequently mentioned are: the development of social skills through contact with many people; the intellectual stimulation from good books and interesting visitors in the home from around the world; and the cultural advantages of good music, travel, and other broadening experiences. It is interesting to note that the wives less frequently mention the advantage of religious ideals and training in the home, though the literature frequently mentions this among the first advantages. Not one of the wives in the initial research mentioned this advantage. The reason for this may be that this aspect of their lives is so much a part of them that they fail to take special note of it. The minister and his family may be practicing less conscious righteousness and responding more to those religious values that have become integrated into their total personalities. It may also represent a reaction to the concept of the poor minister and his family who, though ROLE ATTITUDES TOWABD HER FAMILY LIFE 107 destitute of worldly goods, are almost obnoxiously wealthy in things of the spirit. Again, it may represent a shift in values away from the religious to the secular, such as social poise, intellectual skills, and cultural tastes.

There are those wives who verbalize the feeling that the church and community expect more of their children than of other children. They are expected to know more Bible, be more obedient, and be more active in church activities than other children. How insistent these expectations are is difficult to determine. Apparently no strong pressures are exerted unless the children manifest rather radical behavior. Most wives seem to feel that so long as their children live much like other children in the church and community, no problem is incurred. The feelings of this group of wives might well be summed up in the observation of one minister’s wife who said, ** It is not so much that people expect more of the parsonage children as it is that they are more aware of them than of most children in the congregation/ 2 “ 10 The parents themselves may be partly to blame for some of the pressures. One wife reported that the congregation expected their six-year-old son to stand at the church door each Sunday and shake hands with departing parishioners. Further questioning seemed to indicate that the parents themselves had originally instituted the practice, which delighted the people. The congregation now expected it by force of habit, not that this was a role expectation of the minister’s son. It is probably safe to assume that the parents derived some personal satisfaction in having such a ok primarily to ministers’ wives, it may ie I at the wives who will benefit lost f”om it wi/ be those whose husbands r^d it, for the husbands will see with startling clarity the nature of the problems with which their wives must cope. Ideally, the couple should read it together, for the answers to many of the questions must be worked out jointly. A helpful questionnaire is appended.

126 560 The Role of the Minister’s Wife By WALLACE DENTON

Admittedly, the role of a minister’s wife is a difficult one. Numerous books and articles have advised her what to do and be, but no one seems to have taken the time to determine how she feels about such counsel or what its impact is upon her own mental health. In some respects her role is similar to that of the wife of any other professional or business man; in some respects it is very different

After sketching the role of the minister’s wife in Biblical times, during the Protestant Reformation, and in frontier America, Dr. Denton turns to the present-day minister’s wife and considers her particular situation with its various opportunities and problems. To what extent should she participate in her husband’s work? Must she be resigned to a fish bowl “ existence? How can she fortify herself against loneliness? How can she maintain the privacy of her home? How much is she obliged to entertain? What is the nature of her relationship to the church and the community?

Much literature on the subject is either unrealistic or idealistic. This book, which is an extremely interesting psychological and sociological study, is the fruit of field work and research personal interviews, counsel (Continued on back flap), 20-0381 $350 THE

AUTHOR Wallace Denton, a native of El Centro, California, studied at Ouachita College, Arkadelphia, Arkansas; Southern Baptist

Theological Seminary, Eouisville, Kentucky; Merrill Palmer Institute, Detroit, Michigan; and Columbia University, He has served as pastor of churches in Arkansas, Kentucky, and Michigan. Dr. Denton has had extensive experience in the area of family relations and counseling. Since 1958 he has been Pastoral Counselor of the Midwest Christian Counseling Center in Kansas City, Missouri.