Mike Bickle emphasizes the significance of cultivating relationships that endure by rejecting complaining and disputing, as highlighted in Philippians 2:14-15. He shares personal experiences from his 38-year marriage, illustrating how a culture of complaint can damage relationships and hinder spiritual growth. Bickle encourages couples to communicate positively, wait for peace before discussing tensions, and focus on the virtues of one another rather than the annoyances. He asserts that complaining is a mindset that can be changed, and that by waging war against it, individuals can foster healthier relationships and reflect God's light in their lives. The sermon concludes with a call to action for listeners to start anew in their relationships, regardless of past habits.

Philippians chapter 2. Father, we come before your presence. Lord, we love your leadership. We love who you are. We thank you for your mercy. We thank you for the wisdom of your word. And Holy Spirit, we acknowledge your presence and we ask you to teach us, inspire us, mark us today. In the name of Jesus, amen. Now normally I like to give a set of notes because it's just my habit to do that but today I'm not because I shifted my message kind of just some hours back and the reason is because I was giving a report to our all-staff meeting last week about our vacation. We have four all-staff meetings a year and every year Diane and I go to Florida for three weeks every year in January. Came back to the all-staff meeting and we missed everybody and I gave a report. I said I so enjoyed our three weeks together and the reason I enjoyed it is because I enjoy my wife so much. She's so enjoyable. She's such an enjoyable person to be with. It was just a gift. And so a young couple was talking to me after that and they said, wow, 38 years of marriage and you enjoy your wife. They said, we, because they are newlyweds, they go, we want to do that. I said, good. They said, we are stirred. We're going to enjoy each other. They look at each other, newlyweds still hanging on to each other. And so she said, we're going to work on being interesting so that we're not bored. We're going to be very interesting. I said, well surprise, I said, this might surprise you but that's not the number one reason why I enjoy my wife. It's not because she's interesting. She is, but that's not the number one reason. I said, you would think, you know, if your spouse is good looking and interesting, nice, it's going to, you know, just, wow, it's all going to work. I said, actually there's another issue. It would be the, what are the most important issues? And this young couple, they looked at me and they said, what is it? I said, well, guess. Pray together. I said, well, I believe in that. We do that. Some seasons we do it more than other seasons. I go, yeah, I like that, but that's not the answer. Love God. I go, well, yeah, that's good. I'm really into that, but that's not what I'm talking about. They looked at each other and I said, I'm kind of drawing this out because I want it to get a hold of your attention. What do you think 38 years later I would put at right at the top of the list? I said, well, I'll tell you what it is. I said, in our communication, in our relationship, we have so little element of complaining in the culture of our relationship and communication. And the young gal, again, newly married, goes, what? That's it? I go, yeah, oh yeah. That's probably one of the very most important parts of your marriage in the next years is the measure, the level of complaint that's in the culture and the tone of your communication together. And she said, wow. I would have never thought about that. She kind of had that look of being convicted. She goes, oh, that's the biggie? I go, yeah, that's the biggie. I said, I like all that other stuff. My wife's interesting. She's really cute. I mean, she's so cute. We're at the age, we're both 60. She looks like she's in her 40s. I look 60. People literally say, I've had a couple comments, hey, your daughter. I go, they meant it. I mean, now, if you said that to Alan Hood, well, anyway, let's get back to the thing here. Then it would be just as funny. Okay, let's just end it that way. Okay. And so I was talking to this young couple. I said, let's talk about that a little bit. I said, did you know that when we were first married 38 years ago, we declared war on complaint. The whole subject of complaining. We started our marriage. We haven't done it perfectly, but we've done it diligently for 38 years. I mean, we could have done it better, but we certainly have been diligent about this subject. And she just said, that is so interesting. So I decided to lay aside what I was going to teach today. I was going to talk about the beauty of Jesus. I just wanted to give us a reminder of the glory and the beauty of the man we're connected with and the implications of that for our life. Well, anyway, let's read Philippians chapter 2. It says, do all things without complaining, without disputing. Verse 15, that you may become, now catch this verse 15, this description of the life of the person that wages war on these little seeds of complaint in their life. Your life will become blameless, harmless. You'll be children of God without fault in your life. And on top of that, you'll shine like light. You'll stick out. People around you will be impacted because it will be different from the culture, even the culture of the body of Christ. Because light and darkness sticks out and it's refreshing and helpful. And light in the darkness gives direction on how to go and how to make life work. This one exhortation has this most remarkable fruit to it. I'm going to read that again. Do all things without complaining and disputing. Now complaining seems innocent. You know the Song of Solomon talks about the little foxes that destroy the vineyard of our life. And it's in poetic language. And the idea is it's not just the big scandalous sins that can damage and hurt a person's life. But often some of the most dangerous things in our life are seen somewhat small and not a big deal. And complaining is one of the most damaging parts, I mean damaging things that a person can have in their life. But it doesn't seem that way. Seems like, well everybody complains. It's not a big deal. It's kind of innocent. It's just, I'm just kind of venting, getting it off my chest. But Paul had a very, very different point of view. Number one, complaining doesn't get it off of your chest. Actually complaining embeds the negative feeling stronger in you. It doesn't go away. It actually goes just one degree deeper in your mind, in your emotions, and in your relationships when you vocalize it. Complaining is a small thing. Seems innocent. Doesn't seem like a big deal. But I want to assure you that it's one of the major enemies of your heart, your family, your friendships, and of your calling in God. It doesn't look that way and the enemy wants to keep it just that way. I would compare it to the man that goes to the doctor and the doctor says, boy I got bad news for you. You have just a little speck of malignant cancer. It's in you. The guy goes, doctor that can't be. I feel great and I work out regularly. I got good energy. I don't feel anything. Doctor says, I assure you that little speck won't stay a little speck. May take a while depending on the type of cancer, but you know in this analogy. But it is going to destroy your life for sure. And the seeds of complaint seem small, innocent, mostly harmless. But the harvest is offended hearts, broken relationships, and damaged lives. It's not at all harmless. And it starts small, but it has a harvest. And the harvest is real. And it's one of the most important things that Paul addresses in the New, or just the writers of the New Testament. Now again verse 14. He says, do all things without complaining. Paul's not exaggerating when he says all things. He goes, identify this mindset as one of your number one enemies. Identify it and go after it with diligence. Now that's what I'm wanting to bring to your attention as this young couple I was talking to yesterday. I go, complaining is a giant enemy, not a small one. And a lot of folks would, because complaining is so natural to all of us. And complaining, you know, just one thought of complaining. I got a few definitions of it I'll give later. But it's the idea that we're focusing more on the negative of what's happening in front of us instead of the positive. And so when we see the annoyance, and I'm talking about complaining small things. I'm not talking about great crisis, you know, events, or life-changing disasters, having negative feelings about it. I'm talking about the small little ways of life, having a culture of complaint, and allowing that to continue in our friendships, in our marriages, in our families, in our work relationship. It's a very, very big issue. And he says, and do all things without disputing. Now he's talking about not a, he's not talking about full-blown, full-grown hostility of disputes, you know, of great conflicts and controversies. He's talking about the small nickel-and-dime disputing that happens in marriages, in families, at the workplace, in ministries. Paul's saying, I want to assure you, you go after these two issues, complaining and disputing, the small ones, the small annoyances, and not allowing them to have an improper place in your heart and in your communication with the people that you live with, that you work with. Don't the small things have an improper place in those relationships. And the most natural thing is for them to have an improper place. Now we all come by complaining, naturally we're born in sin. You know the little guy, he's born in, I mean right off the bat, give me more now. We come by it honestly. We're born with a heart that's saying, I want it and I want it now. It's the most natural thing to us. And so when we talk about this subject, many people could say, yeah but I grew up in a family of which complaining, sarcasm, anger, that, I mean that was the communication style. Mom and Dad talked that way to each other. Mom and Dad talked that way to us as the kids. Mom and Dad talked that way about the neighbors, and the church, and the workplace. Sarcasm and complaint inventing was just a normal way of life. Most people grow up in that kind of environment. And so it's a bit odd that Paul puts so much energy on this, I mean such focus. He goes, literally remove it completely out of your family culture and your communication style, completely. Wage war on complaining. Before you engage in a small dispute, where you, where the energy ratchets up in your marriage, with your children, with your parents, with your siblings, in your ministry team, at the marketplace, before you let that thing escalate, Paul says, take a step back and understand this is more damaging than you think. And again, some folks have the idea, well I grew up with it, it's natural, I'm venting, I'm getting off my chest. Once I get it off my chest, it's gone. It doesn't work that way. What you say with your mouth impacts your heart. You can complain for a year or two, just using an analogy, and the year or two afterwards, complaining will be easier. You don't vent and get cleansed from it, you vent and you get more familiar with it. It becomes more normal, it becomes less alerting. But I want to assure you, it is to your heart, your spiritual life, your family life, your calling, your ministry, it is to those things, what a small speck of malignant cancer is to your body. So I determined, I was going to wage war on this. As a young man, I went to, I was 20 years old and I became a pastor, which is like, that's kind of strange. But a church out in the country, out in the St. Louis area, they asked me, we want you to be our pastor. I said no, I said no way, I'm 20 years old. And they were all like old people. They were like 30s and 40s. I mean, they were like way out there. And I said, I don't want to be your pastor. I go, no. I told them no. Then I talked to, I was at a Presbyterian church on the youth staff and I asked the leaders and they said, no, go do it for you, it'll be good training. I went, really? Isn't that illegal for a 20 year old to be a pastor? It seems like there ought to be a law against that. You know, like doctors, dentists, you got to go to school or something, right? Well, I went and took this little church. Ended up about a hundred member little country church. And I mean, it was very challenging. I didn't know anything about pastoring. And then the old people, again 30s and 40s, a couple of them came to me and said, pastor. I didn't even like that. I go, don't call me pastor, call me Mike. They go, pastor. They said, we want to talk to you about our marriage. We're having sex problems. I had never heard a married couple never said the word sex to me ever in my life in a serious way. I went, what? They said, well, you're our pastor. And I went, nah, not really. They go, oh no, you are. And I mean, that was so uncomfortable, so intimidating. So I said, man, I got to hustle. I got to figure this out somehow. And so I said, ah, there's a big seminar. Symposium for family life and marriage in St. Louis area. This is 1977, 38 years ago. And so I went in there like they had like 50 speakers. And I mean, this whole like week long deal. It was, and I went and I took notes and I learned so many of these cool ideas and these terms. And I was going to come back ready to pastor. I was excited. I had a notebook full of stuff. I had brilliant ideas. About marriage and the key points and how it works. Well, a month or so later, I meet Diane and Diane's a brand new believer. I mean, several months old in the Lord only. And I'm a mature six year in the Lord pastor. But I had this new information for about a month or maybe longer. There's new information about marriage. So in my youthful pride and wanting to impress her, I laid it all out. Well, here's what I think marriage is. And she was dazzled and wowed by my insight because I had to look at my notes. I was just memorizing it right before I talked to her. And what I did is I laid out, I said, here's how a marriage should be built. And it was great wisdom because it was from really seasoned men and women of God from this symposium. And I laid out these things I was committed to. And she's wowed and you're so deep. And I says, well, one tends to learn the word after so many years. And she is like one over. Now, the part I've told the story a little bit. So some of you know where this is going. The part of the problem was I said all these wonderful ideals of marriage. And we got married soon after we had a short engagement. And she's really counting on me doing these ideals that I memorized from this conference. I'd never done them. I just memorized them just weeks before. And so she's like, so the good news is it was like a divine ambush. God trapped me in to these ideas because now she's, you know, again, a few months old in the Lord, a little bit, a few months later, and she's like, let's do what you said. They're way harder to do than I thought. I mean, she was so cute like she is now 40 years later. And I mean, I said, man, she's so cute. I can make all these principles work. I want to assure you, cuteness is not going to be enough to keep these principles intact. Doesn't hurt anything. But so one of the, one of the issues was this issue of complaining. And I was talking to her about this. And I said, I want to, I want to, I don't want complaint or sarcasm anywhere in the culture of our marriage or our family. This is something I'm very committed to. And I have been for 38 years and, and that's one of the most important decisions we made back then. Again, we haven't done it perfectly, but we've done it diligently to go after this. And so I gave her, I'll give you four commitments I gave her. And these commitments, I'll be real brief on them, but these, uh, these commitments, they work in relationships outside of marriage. They work their principles in parent and children, friends, leader, and employer, whatever in the workplace ministry environment. These principles work far beyond marriage. So don't say, well, I'm single. These don't apply. Excuse me. First principle I learned at the seminar that I waxed eloquent and told Diane so brilliantly. I said, we're not going to, this, this man taught it. I think it was Tim LaHaye. Some of you remember him teaching the marriage seminars in the seventies. Wrote a number of books on it. Said, uh, when you're, uh, solving a tension in your marriage, wait till you're both at peace. Never discuss it until you're both at peace. One of you at peace is not enough. Both of you have to be at peace. And the husband should assure the wife we're going to wait till we're both at peace. I mean, just some hours later. I mean, you know, five hours later, 12 hours later, the next day is that kind of thing. I don't mean a month later. And the husband should initiate, bring it up. Even if he's going to get in trouble, he needs to bring it up and finish the conversation. And then her heart will be at peace that you don't have to talk while you're in stress and under agitation, but she has the confidence it's going to be talked through. So it's not an avoidance tactic. I thought it was brilliant. So I told her that. Well, the first week of marriage still on the honeymoon, uh, I did some really insensitive things. I thought she was just being overly sensitive. She thought I was insensitive. So we get to do this right off the bat. You're saying, well, what, what did you do? Well, I don't really want to tell you what I did because it's not one. It was like 10. It would take too long. So we got right in the middle of this. And so we had this deal. I said, no, we're going to wait a few hours. And because most so much damage happens, parents to children, friends to friends, leader to, uh, uh, you know, the people in the team and the ministry of the marketplace. So much damage happens when you solve attention. When one of the parties is agitated during the conversation. I've just learned it is absolutely not good. Many good relationships have been damaged by the, the complaining tone that happens in a relationship or the agitation of this simple thing of timing of waiting till you're both at peace. Five hours later, one day later, it makes all the difference in the world. Well, we got to figure that out at day one. I'm in the week one of the marriage. Second thing that I committed to her from this gut from this seminar, I said here again, I'm just matter. She's wowing me. I'm wowing her. And this was straight from the notes of the seminar. I said, I in domestic, in small domestic issues in our life, like what we eat, when we eat, where's shopping takes place, the mowing the lawn, the dishes, fixing the house, who we socialize with, what restaurant we go to hundreds of those things, mowing the lawn, calling the plumber, cleaning out the garage, all of those thousands. I mean, there's so many different categories. I said, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do what you want, because they're all small issues. They're not the two or three, you know, real major issues that would happen in a marriage in the first year or two or three. I mean, those big ones, we'd be in complete unity. I said, on the small things, I will do what you want to do a hundred percent of the time, the rest of my life. You are so good looking. I can't wow. And she said, yay. Now, she's a brand new believer, and she thinks that I'm really deep in the work. She didn't realize I just went to a seminar, and I'm memorizing it. Third thing, now you can't do that one to a whole bunch of other relationships, but in spirit, you can give up a lot. You can make concessions on a lot of things you would like different in small things. So you can apply this in other relationships as well. She asked me to do the issues. She says, let's do it that way. Hey, go do this. Let's go do that. I said, I'll do it. I'll do it. Really. I mean, the little things. I mean, we go places. I don't really interested going. I mean, she's had me a few times, and I go, do we really need to go there and do that event? And so I smile on the outside. My heart's not there yet. Let's go. And you know what? Your heart doesn't have to be there on the front end, but just don't have a complaint and a tone of complaining in the process. It might take a while for my heart to catch up, but at least I had the fake smile and the nice words. That works. She goes, sometimes she goes, I know you're not happy, but I'll take the smile. I'll take it. It works. I thought I got to find that guy from that seminar. Tell him how life really works. Third thing the guy said is the leader of the home. One of the seminars. I mean, at the same big symposium, he says, as the leader of the house, the husband is the leader of the home. That means he has responsibility when there's tension to be the first one to apologize every time to initiate the apology conversations by him apologizing for whatever he can find in any way he contributed, even his insensitivity and non attentiveness. Anything he must begins by. I said, okay. And I told her that that ended up being like, oh man. And then we would make, because see, there is a place to speak the things that annoy you in a marriage, in a job, in a business, in friendships, there is a place to talk about what annoys you. But the three points I like to make is tone, timing, and ratio are really important. So we agree that we will have, we'll speak the things that annoy. She annoys me in this way and I annoy her in that way. And those things happen over the years. And that's in all kinds of relationships. You know, parent, children, friend, friend, worker, you know, teamwork, I mean, team ministry and all that kind of stuff. But we agreed that when we made those appeals, when we made those things known, again, tone, not a complaining tone, no sarcasm, timing. Tone is one thing, timing is another thing. Meaning if she's under pressure or agitated or I am, timing, we just wait till we're at peace. It's a very simple point, but it will change so much relationships. And then ratio. You should only give, this isn't a scientific number, one correction for every ten affirmations. That's not, again, scientific, but if you're giving, if you're pointing out negatives at a one-to-one ratio to the affirmation you've given to that parent-child, friend-to-friend relationship, husband-wife. If you're giving one-to-one ratio, a correction, something that's different to one affirmation, that relationship will be toxic and it will be injured. Well, I'm only telling them it's going to help them. It's true. You're telling them it's going to help them. But if that's what you're committed to, tell them the negative and help them and give them ten more affirmations, vitamins, because you want to help them. Help them all the way, not just with the negative. Well, I found that this is a, let's read it again, that Paul said it so right. He said, do, Philippians chapter 2 verse 14, do all things without complaining, without disputing. Again, the disputing, the small nickel and dime pushbacks that you don't let go of. It's better if we do it that way, but it's not that big of a deal if we don't. It is better, but there's a bigger storyline in our life than this issue. Paul says, let it go then. Well, but it is better if we do it this way, but in the big storyline of your life and of that relationship, there's something bigger to accomplish, so let that one go. That's called disputing. Paul says, get rid of all of it, because what will happen is complaining, that tone, again, I'm talking about the tone of complaining, not acknowledging something is bothering you or making an insight about something that needs to be approved. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about with a tone of complaining and holding the line on, I want it this way because the program will be better, and it's not really that big a deal. We shouldn't have a war over this. We should just have a concession. Paul said, yield on it, really yield on it, and stay connected to the larger narrative of what's happening in your life. Well, what is complaining? Complaining is not a personality style, a personality type. Some people say, well, I mean, I was raised with complainers. Well, almost everybody is raised with complainers. I mean, most of the whole human race. Complaining is a mindset. Complaining is a mindset that anybody can change. It's a way we process information. Complaining is when the negative information has an inappropriate prominence over the positive information. See, what happens when we focus on the negative? We can point out the negative in a right tone, in a right timing, in a right ratio. But when the negative has a greater prominence in the conversation and the relationship than the positive, that relationship, those seeds, is going to end up with a broken relationship, damaged lives. I mean, the children damaged of family cultures of which complaining is allowed instead of seen and identified as an arch enemy to their spiritual life and their family life. Children get really hurt. Complaining is when we emphasize what we don't have instead of focusing on what we do have. Now, we can acknowledge what we don't have and what we want to see fixed. But again, timing, tone, and ratio really matters. We'll talk more about this in other sessions because there's a big picture of God's goodness in our life. I mean, think about it. I want this issue fixed in this one department or this one relationship or this one issue at home. I want this issue fixed. But I'm a part of a big narrative, a big story with God. So are you. I'm part of His family. I'm going to have a resurrected body forever. So are you. The smallest, insignificant, unnoticed deeds that I do, giving someone a cup of cold water, are remembered forever by God and rewarded. That means every day of my life is important. And the small little things that nobody thinks my life is important about, the Lord says it is important. God delights in us. He enjoys the relationship. He's freely forgiven us everything. Yes, in my life, I would like the money to be better. I'd like my body to feel better. I'd like the relationship to be easier. I'd like more honor in this issue. I'd like this to flow easier. But I'm not going to let those be the primary narrative of my life. I'm a part of a big story of God's goodness in my life and the person that's annoying me, whether it's my wife, my friends, my co-workers, the neighbors. And you know my neighbor is John Chisholm, but he's literally next door. His dog barks. Can you believe that? There's a dog barking down the road, and I always tease him. I go, I know that's your dog. You're hiding it somewhere. He doesn't have one. But when we lose the big story of God's goodness, and we lose the virtue of the person who's annoying us, because the guy that's annoying us has many virtues in their life that are positive, that are contributing to a lot of, to God's kingdom, to your life, contributing to others around you. But the annoyance becomes front and center. And what Paul is saying, don't take the little annoyance, let it escalate to a dispute, a small one. You're losing sight of the virtue of that man or that woman you live with, whether it's spouse or child or parents. You're losing the bigger story of their virtue. All you see is the annoyance right now, and that dominates your mindset. Paul says, don't do that. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and get a part of the bigger storyline. Now the good news is that being a complainer isn't a personality type that you're stuck with because you're born with it and you can't get out of it. It's a mindset. It takes time to change it. It takes time to cultivate the bigger picture, but it can be done. And your emotions will feel very different. Your relationships will be very, very different, I mean, impacted in a very different way. I'm going to have Diane come on up. And you said, oh boy, here we go. Where's Diane? Oh, there she is. And I just want her to make a couple comments. Now, sweetheart, we just got back from vacation. I'll start by saying this man's enjoyable as well as he thinks I'm enjoyable. And seriously. Wait a second, since we got you on a roll, you're really cute. Come on, come on. Okay. I thought we were going somewhere. Okay, go ahead. I really, no, serious, I want to be serious. I want to say that he has not exaggerated when he described to you the things that he's implemented in our marriage from the beginning days. And I was a brand new believer when we got married, and I'm so grateful to God that one of us had a little bit of life in God as we came together as a married couple. We were like six months old in the Lord when we got married, and I was six years old. Right. And he did wax eloquent. I did. And wooed and wowed me, and still does today. But beyond waxing eloquent, he actually does what he says. And that in and of itself has won the respect and love and admiration of my heart. And, you know, the choices that he has made, and, I mean, he really does kind of let me make most of the choices on small things, you know, and not like, you know, how we're going to spend a big pile of money or anything like that. Because we do that in unity, but she gets to win on those little things. I don't like all of them. He doesn't, but he's agreeable. And so, yeah, I can literally count on one hand how many times in our 38 years of marriage that he's flat out said, No, no, we're not going to. No, I don't want you to do that. No, we're not going to do that. Because he's made the choice to prefer my choices in those things. And that, I like that. That wins my heart. And that causes me to, you know, just enjoy life with him. And so, yeah. And I also, the other thing I just wanted to say is that, you know, early in our marriage, one of the things that I became aware of was that I didn't know how to be a believer and how to be a wife and all these things. I was learning it as I went along. And so, I was trying to figure out how to say I don't like something or, you know, help me do this. Or I didn't know how to have that communication. Because we're declaring war on sarcasm and complaining. Right. How can I tell you that you're bugging me? Exactly. You can tell me, just say it sincere at the right time. I was, you know, I was wanting to be pleasing to the Lord. And so, I knew that nagging and complaining, that's not pleasing to the Lord. But I just didn't know the way forward. And so, I decided that if I would just slam pots and pans around in the kitchen, that he might think that I have a problem and he'd come see what's going on, you know. And so, she was, and I come walking in, I go, Is something wrong? And I looked at her face, I go, Oh, I'm in trouble. She goes, Yeah. So, I go, You don't… No, but here's what he said. He said, He said, Honey, if you want me to do something, then don't expect me to read your mind. That's right. And that like, that hit me like, You know what? I am. I want you to read my mind. That's what I want. She wants me to discern it and do it. I want you to figure it out and then do it. And be happy. Because honestly, I think, and be happy about it. That's right. And consistent. Because, because I think I can read his mind, so why can't he read mine? And, you know, women, honestly, we have a bit of an intuition and we kind of think we understand what they're thinking and we expect that as well. And when he said, so he said, Don't expect me to read your mind. And so, after I digested that and he followed it up with, But if you will just ask me or tell me what it is you need, then you will find that I will be glad to help you. But I am throwing one more phrase in. Yeah. Because for those folks out there, I always add the word, Ask me with sincerity. Not sarcasm. Yeah. Not tone. Just say, Hey, I want you, in this case, turn off the football game and help me with what's going on in the kitchen. She goes, I'm slamming doors you're supposed to figure out. It's not working. I went, I didn't figure that out. But if you'll say, instead of when I walk in and say, Can't you figure out it's not working in here? I said, If you'll say nice, turn the TV off. Come in here and help me. Now, it was a playoff game and our team was winning. It was the fourth quarter. But I got this thing I waxed eloquent. So I went, So I go, What do you want? I want to put this up here and fix this. I go, Okay. Is there a better time to do it? No. There's timing. It's really right now the time to do it. So I did do a little of this and look at the room. Because she says, No, you said that you would. Tone and timing. He mentioned both of those. And I've gotten better through the years with both of those and understand how to utilize a right tone and right timing. Hey, we won that game just by the way. 1981. Okay, go ahead. And the other issue that has profoundly produced good fruit in our marriage. And when I say good fruit in our marriage, I mean the fact that 38 years later that we like each other, which takes Jesus for that to happen. And then hearts that are willing to go the distance with him. And it was this one issue. It was that he would refuse to argue with me when I was heated, when I was upset. And I wanted to have this conversation now because it takes two to argue and I wanted to argue and he would not. And he insisted on both of us being at. He says it graciously. Both of us being at a place of peace. It was me. Most of the time that had to come to the place of peace. And so I what that's because I was the one getting in trouble. So I was already at peace. She was happy. I was happy. I'm the guy that did the dorky thing that was being talked about. And so what that forced me to do that forced me to, to exhale and go be before the Lord with my agitated heart and my frustration and my demanding spirit. It forced me to go to Jesus and pour it out to him and, and, and work that muscle of help me Lord. You know, I need help in this and come to a place of peace. And it didn't work. I tried to fool him a few times. I went in the other room for a few minutes and came back and said, like five minutes later, I'm, I'm at peace now. Could we have that conversation? And he'd be like, ah, no, I don't think so. A couple hours. I'm at peace. I said, I am going to. If we have this conversation right now. So I just want to say that, you know, there is so much power in, in choosing, choosing these principles that he laid out. There's so much fruitfulness that happens, not just in a marriage, but in. With your children and to the generations that are beyond in your, with your work environment or whatever it would be. We need the Lord and we need, we need him to help us with the, the unselfishness of our heart. And so I just commend you to, to seek him in those ways. I'm going to invite the worship team to come up. You know, one thing about the children's coming up in the next 60 seconds here that, that we were so committed. Again, it takes time because you don't do it right, but if you're committed to it, eventually you get it more and more right. And not that we have a totally right right now, but we do care about the subject. I said, I want to have a family culture where sarcasm and complaint is not in our family culture. So I would not come home from the church, from the offices. I would not talk about annoying and disturbing things in the lives of the people of the church and the staff and the neighbors and the data that I didn't want my children in that. I don't want them to think that's normal to talk about people that way. And, and one thing that just blesses us greatly, 38 years later, both of our sons, Luke and Paul, they're both in their mid thirties. They we've observed. This is one of the greatest things I look at them. I mean, yes, they love Jesus. Yes, they, they have those other four or five things that I care about, but they don't have sarcasm and complaint in the communication style. And we've talked about that over and over. We said, isn't this beautiful when they are 18 and then 25 and 30 and now 35, I go, but they don't have that as a, that's one of the things I am the most pleased about is that. And beloved, you are, it's not too late to turn it around. You say, well, you know, I've been married. We did it for so many years. Start today. Today's a new beginning. And it's, this principle works with friends. It works with marketplace. It works with neighbors. It looks with your, it works with your parents, not just your marriage, all the relationships, these things work, but we need to be serious about the mindset of complaining, waging war on it. And that being comfortable with small little disputes happening instead of letting it go and tapping into the big picture. So if you learned complaint as you were being raised as a child, you can unlearn it. You can learn a better way. I'm living proof that you can learn a better way. The Lord will help us. Amen. Let's stand. Thank you. Sweetheart. Thank you.