A confession, a reality ... a plea
Derived out of and over the course of a number of days. It's disjointed and mixed up, may the Lord unravel it if it is to be of any benefit.
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Two things I have learned Nothing more grand More inarticulate More precious
Than the Lords Presence
Nothing more grievous Nor diabolical Nor crushing Than to grieve The Holy Spirit And to feel
His absence
In both these Past feelings And emotions And all rationale But not bereft of any of them
It hurts more Than the conscience knows Though it does know Knows in part
Why should I grieve God? Why? I have no recourse No other to blame
Oh my repentance is pure And my shame is pain I have that which is sown And a resolve that even Needed repentance of
What is it you say That brought forth, Just this;
"It's not My will"
And I purposed to Not obey And went my own way
Could wish to speak To what obedience is How it has been turned And abused And laid waste
Yet it is Breaking Of a heart Taken And relinquished
And
More so Far more so The One who Who came And gave And bled And Died
Oh wicked heart of man To turn and grieve the heart of God
And so I purposed In my sorrow To never again do this thing And heard myself say
"Am I liar? Surely I will again ...
... Lord"
And it stunned me. "Shall I purpose in my heart... To presume such a thing?"
Oh be it far from me! It is the scourge of this hour To presume upon God To deny A Holy life To cease striving to be Perfect, As thy Father is perfect.
What is tomorrow's trouble And yesterdays past That has today's bearing Before Thee?
And just as well Will the Lord have mercy? Faithful to forgive all manners On a confession And a turning away And a turning towards With brokenness and a contrite Spirit And Truth
Surely it is so And surely we oft Latch unto this promise Far too easily Turn from conviction And make light of it In the name of Getting on with it.
And my soul screams No!
It is not so. The right verse At the wrong time
Have been made To feel the pain Of my lone decision Let not the man State, "Not so hard on thyself, brother" To which only recourse is;
"[i]Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God...
But those that be of men.[/i]"
Shall I or we dictate The Lord's dealings? Or assuage our guilt Lightly?
It is no time for Questions of eternal security Rather of breach Upon it
Such rubbish This world's comfort And it's counterfeit Pain killers Such has the saints Bought into
No broken Devastation No acknowledgment Of separation That your sins Have brought you
Tell my soul It is not so
That there is no Breach When I know A leaving To ones own Devices
Cast back upon Mine own way Cast out of His Presence Need no explanation of "Apart from Me" "You can do nothing"
Psa 42:2 My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?
Forget the prose Let me speak freely From a broken heart And with all the raw sincerity I can muster
Do not come to this place of torment Be it only a taste of an ultimate desperation. Truly hell is this This breach This denial Left to your own Devices
I have gone back on my face before the Lord To wrestle with myself over my sorry state And the murmurings within; "Shall I doll out and determine My own punishment"? Oh for a true silence Before you!
"It's not My will"
I heard You loud and clearly That I never forget this moment And never again deny Thee
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"Stop your wallowing And play the man"
"Rise up"
"Confess your sin openly before the world"
And hear I thereby do.
I have sinned against Thee and Thee alone And am staggered and tremble at these words I repent in dust and ashes And await Your righteous decision
Oh forgive me ...
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[i]Give glory to the LORD your God, before he cause darkness, and before your feet stumble upon the dark mountains, and, while ye look for light, he turn it into the shadow of death, and make it gross darkness.[/i] Jer 13:16
Woe unto the world because of offences!
... for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!
Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, Cut them off, And cast them from thee:
It is better For thee to enter into life Halt or maimed, Rather than having two hands Or two feet To be cast into everlasting fire.
And if thine eye Offend thee, Pluck it out, And cast it from thee:
It is better for thee To enter into life with one eye, Rather than having two eyes To be cast into hell fire.
Eph 4:30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Grieve not!
What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, That grace may abound?
God forbid!
How shall we, That are dead to sin, Live any longer therein?
Let this be warning Look past the fool And his many words
Take heed that you find this not lightly And take your sin with utmost sincerity Deny the easy way out And the quick remedy
Grieve not...
And give heed When you hear
"It's not My will"
_________________ Mike Balog
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