SermonIndex Audio Sermons
SermonIndex - Promoting Revival to this Generation
Give To SermonIndex
Discussion Forum : General Topics : pyschologically abusive spouses

Print Thread (PDF)

Goto page ( 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 Next Page )
PosterThread
free
Member



Joined: 2005/6/26
Posts: 55


 pyschologically abusive spouses

ONe of my family members is threatening to leave her husband who has been pyschologically abusing her for over 30 years. The Christians in the family are divided in giving and withholding encouragement. Does anyone know what the Bible says about this?

 2005/8/8 15:22Profile
dougkristen
Member



Joined: 2004/1/28
Posts: 360


 Re: pyschologically abusive spouses

God hates divorce...
In Christ,
Doug Renz


_________________
a Jesus freak

 2005/8/8 16:39Profile
dann
Member



Joined: 2005/2/16
Posts: 239
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada

 Re: pyschologically abusive spouses

The bible says that the wife is to submit herself to her husband as to the Lord.

The bible also says that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for the church.

Likewise the bible says that neither the wife nor the husband is allowed to deny the other their conjugal privilege.

Lastly, the bible says that divorce is only allowable in cases of adultery, or where an unbelieving spouse has left a believing spouse on the grounds of the faith of the believer.

The truth is, if they do divorce for reasons other than the bible allows, they must never remarry - and if they do they will be become adulterers by doing so.

Recall that even though it was legal (according to man's law) for Herod to take his brother Phillip's wife (which he did), John the Baptist, labeled Herod an adulterer.

So it is that anyone who divorces for unbiblical reasons may be divorced according to man's law - but not according to God's law.

An example might help. If I divorced my wife divorced because she was psychologically abusing me, I would be divorced according to the laws of the land - but according to God's word, we would remain married until one of us committed adultery. If she kept herself celibate while I went out and committed adultery - she could thereafter, in good conscience, walk away from our marriage union and even marry another. She was the victim of adultery, and as such she is allowed (though not encouraged) to remarry. I on the other hand commit adultery, and whoever I am with commits adultery.

The reverse is true of course, if my wife left me for reasons other than those outlined in the bible, I would have to consider the marriage in effect until such time as she commits adultery - at which point she becomes an adulterer and I have the option to 'legally' dissolve our marriage union. That is not to say that I should sit idle and wait for her to commit adultery, nor should I stalk her to make sure she doesn't commit adultery. My responsibility to her remains to love her and give myself for her - and that remains my responsibility until the marriage is dissolved by an act of adultery.

Scripture therefore, --doesn't-- allow divorce because of psychological abuse.

Having said that - I don't want to give the impression that people are to just 'put up' with psychological abuse. If the abuser is a Christian, the church ought to be disciplining him. If your relative (the abused) is a believer, she needs to understand that her role (for better or worse) is to remain in submission to her husband just as if as unto Christ – as difficult and unrewarding as that sounds. Marriage can be rewarding – but we do not have liberty to dissolve what God has united just because we are not getting the reward we had hoped out of it. Marriage is optional - but once it is entered into, two become one - and so they must be treated - we must never, --ever-- work to separate what God has joined (nor should we nod approvingly when others would do so).

These are easy things to say because they are the truth - but our society has no love for anyone who says them. I suspect that my advice not going to be popular with some.

Dan
/\/
\/\


_________________
Daniel van de Laar

 2005/8/8 17:42Profile









 Re: psychologically abusive spouses

Hi dann,

Quote:
If your relative (the abused) is a believer, she needs to understand that her role (for better or worse) is to remain in submission to her husband just as if as unto Christ – as difficult and unrewarding as that sounds.

I think you have to be practical here on two counts. One is, there is nothing to make an abusive unbeliever quit the marital home, which may force the believer to make the move for sanity's sake.

The second is, I cannot agree that a man who is not submitted to Christ as his Head, need expect the reverence of his wife, unless he loves her like Christ loves the Church, even though he is an unbeliever. If the wife is a Christian, she has the spiritual authority over his maleness.

How she serves the Lord in her particular circumstance, is between her and the Lord, not between her and her husband. And I accept that she may feel called to suffer all kinds of persecution because this is what the Lord asks of her, including dying if necessary. But that is up to her and Him.

I heard a preacher once admit to encouraging a believing wife to stay with a violent man, who eventually killed her. The doctor asked whether she had been married to a man or a beast. Are you really saying that this is what is [i]required[/i] of Christians who are being injured (however) by their marriage partner?

(Just for clarity, if the Christian man is being beaten by his non-Christian wife, you would encourage him to stay too, even if he thought he might die in the night. And even though there is no scriptural requirement for him to submit to her - apart from in love, as in the other example. Yes?)

 2005/8/8 18:07
letsgetbusy
Member



Joined: 2004/9/28
Posts: 957
Cleveland, Georgia

 Re: pyschologically abusive spouses

free,

How does the couple stand with Christ? Do they claim to be Christians or not?


_________________
Hal Bachman

 2005/8/9 0:19Profile
dann
Member



Joined: 2005/2/16
Posts: 239
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada

 Re:

Quote:

dorcas wrote:

I think you have to be practical here on two counts. One is, there is nothing to make an abusive unbeliever quit the marital home, which may force the believer to make the move for sanity's sake.



This is a way that seems 'right' to you, but there is no scripture to support it. I don't think the original post was looking for personal opinion - but rather for biblical instruction.

I agree -- according to the secular morality of our day -- she would be 'forced' to leave for 'sanity's sake.' But this 'morality' isn't biblical, it is secular. This is considered a moral option in secular thought because the personal freedoms and interests of the victim over-ride the biblical instructions concerning marriage. The bible doesn't say that she only needs to submit to a believing and obedient spouse. Her God ordained duty is to submit herself to Him - dare I say it, for better or for worse.

Quote:

dorcas wrote:
The second is, I cannot agree that a man who is not submitted to Christ as his Head, need expect the reverence of his wife, unless he loves her like Christ loves the Church, even though he is an unbeliever. If the wife is a Christian, she has the spiritual authority over his maleness.

How she serves the Lord in her particular circumstance, is between her and the Lord, not between her and her husband. And I accept that she may feel called to suffer all kinds of persecution because this is what the Lord asks of her, including dying if necessary. But that is up to her and Him.

I heard a preacher once admit to encouraging a believing wife to stay with a violent man, who eventually killed her. The doctor asked whether she had been married to a man or a beast. Are you really saying that this is what is [i]required[/i] of Christians who are being injured (however) by their marriage partner?


Yes. That is exactly what I am saying - or rather, what scripture says.

Quote:

dorcas wrote:
(Just for clarity, if the Christian man is being beaten by his non-Christian wife, you would encourage him to stay too, even if he thought he might die in the night. And even though there is no scriptural requirement for him to submit to her - apart from in love, as in the other example. Yes?)


Yes again.

The bible gives two (and only two) legitimate reasons for divorce.

Dan
/\/
\/\


_________________
Daniel van de Laar

 2005/8/9 13:41Profile
free
Member



Joined: 2005/6/26
Posts: 55


 Re:

Quote:
How does the couple stand with Christ? Do they claim to be Christians or not?



The wife (abused) is a strong Christian but not the abusive spouse.

I had always claimed that allowing abusive behavior is an encouragement for the abuser to sin. though I had originally told her to stay on irregardless, Im not sure where I am anymore. She is in depression.

 2005/8/9 14:00Profile
dann
Member



Joined: 2005/2/16
Posts: 239
Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada

 Re:

In the first six years of my thirteen year marriage, I was emotionally and psychologically abusive towards my wife. I mean I was text book material. Trust me when I say that I could paint a very bleak picture without having to exaggerate, but I believe it is suffice to say that I was abusive - though had you asked me at the time I would have denied it with all my strength.

My wife was not a believer, and though I had heard the gospel years before and called on the name of our Lord - yet I was not walking with the Lord during our first six years of marriage. Then one day the Lord got a hold of me, and -IMMEDIATELY- everything in my life changed. I did an about turn that was so jarring to my friends, family,and even my wife's family, that everyone felt I had joined a cult, or was brainwashed - or faking. Most people, to be sure, felt that I was faking it.

But as the months went on, and the changes that had taken place didn't disappear, but grew stronger and stronger, my wife began to love me again, and in eight short months, she had come to the Lord.

Our marriage has been a testimony of how God can turn everything around overnight, and it all began because one Christian I had come into contact with began to pray for me.

My wife wasn't even saved, yet she was praying to God every night that He would change me. Did God hear her? I believe so. God brought a Christian into my life through whom I came under great conviction about my faith - and was the catalsyt that set my feet on Christ's path. God, in his grace, not only answered my unsaved wife's prayer, but used me --ME-- to lead her to Himself.

Thank God I can remember this, because it is a well from which I can draw infinite patience when talking about marriage, and how much we should put up with. My unsaved wife put up with emotional abuse for six full years before God answered her prayers. These last seven years have been so wonderful, we are so much in love - you can't imagine it.

So, my advice isn't just a cold "this is what the bible says" approach - it is the truth and wisdom of scripture that I am currently living out in my own life.

Free, if this person wants to email my wife, I am sure that my wife would love to share our testimony with her, and encourage her. You can send me a private message and I will pass off her email to you.

The world has likely been telling your relative to dump this turkey - since there is 'no hope' - but we are not without hope, we have a Father in heaven who hears prayers. She should allow patience to have its reward, as it has had in my life.

If the bible doesn't convince, perhaps my own, sad testimony will help.

For -His- glory,

Dan
/\/
\/\


_________________
Daniel van de Laar

 2005/8/9 14:31Profile









 Re:

Quote:
but we are not without hope, we have a Father in heaven who hears prayers.


Quote:
The Christians in the family are divided in giving and withholding encouragement.

Quote:
She is in depression


Just a suggestion, but maybe we can all come together in this matter and begin to pray for our sister. I will begin to lift this couple in prayer.

 2005/8/9 14:44









 Re: divorce/adultery

Dann, Two verses greatly complicate your biblical analysis of divorce and adultery:

Matt 5:28 "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

and

John 8:7 "He who is without sin, let him throw the first stone." (In response to a crowd of men accusing a woman who was caught in the act of adultery and seeking to stone her. They all left after He said this and Jesus then asked the woman, where are your accusers? and her reply was they had left, and Jesus response was, neither do I accuse you.)

My abusive ex-wife was a nominal Christian when we met and fell completely away after phoneying up for a few years. She left the marriage when she realized I would not put up with the abuse any more.

This woman has been living with abuse for 30 years. While your personal example is inspiring I still think that Christians should not increase her burden by laying upon her "God's law" as justification for her not to leave the marriage when I don't think it is clear what God's law is in her circumstances.

Bubbaguy

 2005/8/9 14:51





©2002-2024 SermonIndex.net
Promoting Revival to this Generation.
Privacy Policy