Bible Quiz Doping Probe Widens

LENEXA — Eleven-year-old Todd Bradley was a Bible Quiz wunderkind, leading his church's team to the finals three years in a row and winning the championship in 2004. But in February, urine tests revealed that Bradley and three other team members had been taking "quiz cocktails" — performance-enhancing drugs which improve memory and fact retention. They were stripped of their title and banned from competition.

"Bible Quiz has lost its innocence," says observer James Delaney of the Houston Chronicle. "Doping is rampant. It's a new game."

The latest bomb was thrown by former Bible Quiz champ Danny Andrews, whose best-selling book Happy Hour refers to the pre-competition moments when quizzers "gathered in bathroom stalls and gulped quiz cocktails and espressos," he says.

"When I began competing, nobody was doping," he says. "We'd maybe drink a Jolt cola before matches. Now it's a science. By the time the match starts, kids are so hopped up they could quote the book of Ezekiel verbatim."

In the '90s, as churches poured money and prestige on winners, kids began mixing memory-enhancing drinks which evolved into complex cocktails containing ephedra, ginseng and caffeine. Quizzers topped them off with 2-3 Red Bulls.

Now beleaguered Bible Quiz contests across the country have instituted strict "anytime, anywhere" testing policies. Quizzer Samantha Roberts was at a La Quinta Inn before a match in February when two female Bible Quiz testers knocked on her hotel room door, ushered her to the bathroom for a test sample. Her parents stood in the hallway, perplexed. But the new scrutiny doesn't bother Samantha.

"It's part of competing," she says. "They weed out the cheaters."

The next day, Samantha's team won a regional match against rival First Baptist Church of Lexington, whose team was gutted last year after players tested positive for banned substances.

Is this a joke?

_________________
David

_________________
Zeke Oosthuis

I don't get it. It's not as if they were popping illegal steroids or anything. If they want to get hopped up on Red Bull, who cares? It's a perfectly legal drink. As a parent, I would hafta kill my daughter for doin something like that regularly (out of concern for what that can do to your system), but as a competition judge, I don't necessarily see it as cheating or anything....just a little desperate, perhaps.

_________________
Cindy

A sad mockery :-(


DISCLAIMER

LarkNews® is a satirical newspaper published by Joel Kilpatrick.
LarkNews uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public
figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and
coincidental.

The content of this web-site is Copyright 2004 by Joel Kilpatrick, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted
in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher.

LarkNews is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

_________________
Ron Halverson

Super K!

Whaddup wid our churches, bro?

_________________
Mike Compton

ok ok ok... it was a joke!! I thought y'all might need a laugh today... and I thought it would be interesting to see how many people would take it seriously and comment on it as such.

However, I did not realize it was copyrighted... and as such, I made a mistake posting it.

But it was pretty funny... :-)

Krispy

You mean Lark News isn't serious? Well, that's a relief...I was devastated when I heard BibleMan was moonlighting as KoranMan for the Saudi Royal Family. ;-)

MC

_________________
Mike Compton

_________________
Zeke Oosthuis