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 Bible Quiz Doping Probe Widens

Bible Quiz Doping Probe Widens

LENEXA — Eleven-year-old Todd Bradley was a Bible Quiz wunderkind, leading his church's team to the finals three years in a row and winning the championship in 2004. But in February, urine tests revealed that Bradley and three other team members had been taking "quiz cocktails" — performance-enhancing drugs which improve memory and fact retention. They were stripped of their title and banned from competition.

"Bible Quiz has lost its innocence," says observer James Delaney of the Houston Chronicle. "Doping is rampant. It's a new game."

The latest bomb was thrown by former Bible Quiz champ Danny Andrews, whose best-selling book Happy Hour refers to the pre-competition moments when quizzers "gathered in bathroom stalls and gulped quiz cocktails and espressos," he says.

"When I began competing, nobody was doping," he says. "We'd maybe drink a Jolt cola before matches. Now it's a science. By the time the match starts, kids are so hopped up they could quote the book of Ezekiel verbatim."

In the '90s, as churches poured money and prestige on winners, kids began mixing memory-enhancing drinks which evolved into complex cocktails containing ephedra, ginseng and caffeine. Quizzers topped them off with 2-3 Red Bulls.

Now beleaguered Bible Quiz contests across the country have instituted strict "anytime, anywhere" testing policies. Quizzer Samantha Roberts was at a La Quinta Inn before a match in February when two female Bible Quiz testers knocked on her hotel room door, ushered her to the bathroom for a test sample. Her parents stood in the hallway, perplexed. But the new scrutiny doesn't bother Samantha.

"It's part of competing," she says. "They weed out the cheaters."

The next day, Samantha's team won a regional match against rival First Baptist Church of Lexington, whose team was gutted last year after players tested positive for banned substances.

 2005/3/10 14:54
inotof
Member



Joined: 2005/1/7
Posts: 267
Morehead, KY

 Re: Bible Quiz Doping Probe Widens

Is this a joke?


_________________
David

 2005/3/10 15:42Profile
ZekeO
Member



Joined: 2004/7/4
Posts: 1014
Pietermaritzburg, South Africa

 Re: Americana Invades Church

Quote:

inotof wrote:
Is this a joke?



All I can say is 'Only In America'. Man you guys can get up to some strange stuff. :-D


_________________
Zeke Oosthuis

 2005/3/10 15:47Profile
Angyl
Member



Joined: 2005/1/26
Posts: 153


 Re: Bible Quiz Doping Probe Widens

I don't get it. It's not as if they were popping illegal steroids or anything. If they want to get hopped up on Red Bull, who cares? It's a perfectly legal drink. As a parent, I would hafta kill my daughter for doin something like that regularly (out of concern for what that can do to your system), but as a competition judge, I don't necessarily see it as cheating or anything....just a little desperate, perhaps.

 2005/3/10 18:39Profile
lastblast
Member



Joined: 2004/10/16
Posts: 528
Michigan

 Re:

Quote:
Is this a joke?



http://www.larknews.com/


_________________
Cindy

 2005/3/10 21:28Profile
InTheLight
Member



Joined: 2003/7/31
Posts: 2763
Phoenix, Arizona USA

 Re:

A sad mockery :-(


DISCLAIMER

LarkNews® is a satirical newspaper published by Joel Kilpatrick.
LarkNews uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public
figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and
coincidental.

The content of this web-site is Copyright 2004 by Joel Kilpatrick, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted
in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher.

LarkNews is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.


_________________
Ron Halverson

 2005/3/10 21:43Profile
Compton
Member



Joined: 2005/2/24
Posts: 2732


 Re: Funny

Super K!

Whaddup wid our churches, bro?

Quote:
By the time the match starts, kids are so hopped up they could quote the book of Ezekiel verbatim...."It's a new game."



You know, the way things are going I'm going to have to start home-churching my kids.:-P

I was needing a good laugh today. Thanks!

MC


_________________
Mike Compton

 2005/3/10 21:52Profile









 Re:

ok ok ok... it was a joke!! I thought y'all might need a laugh today... and I thought it would be interesting to see how many people would take it seriously and comment on it as such.

However, I did not realize it was copyrighted... and as such, I made a mistake posting it.

But it was pretty funny... :-)

Krispy

 2005/3/11 6:57
Compton
Member



Joined: 2005/2/24
Posts: 2732


 Re: joke?

You mean Lark News isn't serious? Well, that's a relief...I was devastated when I heard BibleMan was moonlighting as KoranMan for the Saudi Royal Family. ;-)

MC


_________________
Mike Compton

 2005/3/11 12:03Profile
ZekeO
Member



Joined: 2004/7/4
Posts: 1014
Pietermaritzburg, South Africa

 Re: vacancy: Court Jester

Quote:

KrispyKrittr wrote:
ok ok ok... it was a joke!! I thought y'all might need a laugh today...


It is sad state of afairs that I actually thought you were being serious. I think that I have just revealed my paradigm about your Country. :-P


_________________
Zeke Oosthuis

 2005/3/11 15:03Profile





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