i was determined not to touch this again, but you posted to me, and since you don't have any other way for me to answer you other than here, i thought it would be rude of me not to answer ...
I had all of these dreams and ideas of what God wanted me to do with my life and everything I was going to do for Him. Then when I got the chance to do it, I felt that I let God down. Now I am as far as I've ever been from "doing something with my life" or doing "great things for God" and I agonized over that for so long.
Dear Rahman,I have just got through reading and re-reading your post.I would first like to apologize for jumping on you about the book. I guess I have had such a history of trying to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and some self-help scheme only to find out months later that it was useless that I am too touchy about that sort of thing. It sounds like that book was nothing of the sort. I am sorry and will try not to be so jumpy again.Anyway, my heart is just resounding so much to what you just said. I feel so incredibly broken, crushed, ground to dust by God--like I am just a shadow of what I once was. I used to love the verse about soaring like eagles, but I'm an eagle with broken wings now. If I ever "mount up with wings like eagles" again then it will have to be God. And yet I have this inexplicable, painful yearning for God that I've never had before. It really is like God has wounded me for life, but just so that I would know Him and nothing else.I wish I could say that I am completely sold out to God, but I'm not yet--not completely anyway. I feel like I'm still wavering on the edge, afraid of jumping off into the ocean of God and yet unable to turn back. I know too much, I love too much to ever go back, but I don't know why I still hold things back from God...Like Paris Reidhead says, God is not here to make me happy. In fact, He makes me completely miserable a good deal of the time. He has chased me down and broken me to smitherings, yet there is something in me that cries out, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him!" I know at the end of all of this will be a knowledge of Christ and Christ alone that I have never had before. Please pray that I have the faith and trust to go that far.PhebeP.S. Dian, I am sorry to be digressing onto my problems in your thread. Thank you so much for sharing, though. It is so difficult to find Christians that really understand these kinds of things...
_________________Phebe
Dian,Thanks for your story. How we must look to God sometimes and yet how much He loves us--Wow! You said, "God isn't impressed by what we do, He's impressed by whose we are." What a reversal of what we are taught in the world. Thank You, Jesus!Love,Phebe
Dian, I am sorry to be digressing onto my problems in your thread. Thank you so much for sharing, though. It is so difficult to find Christians that really understand these kinds of things...
What a great thread folks...Been so busy and wanted to reply often but...Dear Dian, the first post you wrote hit me right where I am and have been for quite some time now. Both of us being 'self-employed'... it's a mirror of my own experience and even with a new job working for an employer it's going to take some time to work through everything.But I just wanted to encourage you. I know this so well sister, times of just pure perplexity over the how's, what's and whys. My prayers are certainly with you, know that the Lord is working in and through you no matter what the circumstances outwardly and the difficulty inwardly. It's much more than just Christian lingo to assuage our conscious to say these things. It's truth, it really is. Just keep on pressing on sister.Hope to write more later.
_________________Mike Balog
Sister Phebe you wrote;"I have just got through reading and re-reading your post. I would first like to apologize for jumping on you about the book. I guess I have had such a history of trying to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and some self-help scheme only to find out months later that it was useless that I am too touchy about that sort of thing. It sounds like that book was nothing of the sort. I am sorry and will try not to be so jumpy again".No problem sis ... Getting over being jumped on is a piece of cake to a vessel who has been prophesied over as being "tempered by God toward withstanding outright hatred" ... The only importance is that you got the message ... Amen ... Plus the Lord did not have me ignorant that my posting about the unmentionable book would draw flack, i just didn't realize to what degree ... And i totally understand about your being punch drunk about those dime a dozen so called self help books, they've turned off many, thank God that my history has been to only read books that He's provided to me thru others, or He directs me to and i hear the Spirit say, "Get this" ... There is a dear sister i've known for a long time that our Lord passes reading material thru to me, and when she passes it on i know He's about to say something to me ... Well a while back she gave me two books she said the Lord told her to give me ... "The God Chasers" and "The Purpose Driven Life" (two more controversial books) ... Well "The God Chasers" i devoured hungrily, but "The Purpose Driven Life" about half way thru just gagged me, but i read on, know why?, because i believed that God had something to say to me and i wasn't gonna stop till i heard it ... Well i had to get 3/4's of the way thru that book before God began to explain to me (via the writer) that it was He that orchestrated my being initially indoctrinated by Catholicism, then raised Jehovah's Witness, then brought to Himself in a true salvation experience, all for His future purpose for me ... i finally began to understand that even all the upheaval, turmoil, spiritual darkness, trials, tribulations and questions that stemmed from my being raised in such seemingly religious confliction was all a part of God's plan for my life ... It was like scales fell off my eyes as to the fact that my past is just my short history of God's equiping, and grooming me to some purpose He has in store for me ... Same with you, same with all saints, His degree of intensity in our lives is based on the degree of the intensity of His part for us in His perfect Plan ... We all get a measure of faith to equip us for the faith we need to do the work ... My analogy is that there are loads of land based saints who maintain home and hearth and hold down the fort/church ... Then there are sea faring saints who have a gnawing sensation that they should be doing more and so pass over the uncertainty of the sea to other sides, exploring new possibilities in/for Christ ... And then like Peter there are the water walkers, 1/12 of the folks in the boat, whom God Himself has placed an inescapable desire in their hearts (tho their flesh oft times screams against it) to be able to do exactly as the Lord does ... These folk are fewest, and like Peter oft times enjoy the ectasy of having Christ Church supported by them, but bear the agony of being crucified upside down for such support ... You continued;"Anyway, my heart is just resounding so much to what you just said. I feel so incredibly broken, crushed, ground to dust by God--like I am just a shadow of what I once was. I used to love the verse about soaring like eagles, but I'm an eagle with broken wings now. If I ever "mount up with wings like eagles" again then it will have to be God. And yet I have this inexplicable, painful yearning for God that I've never had before. It really is like God has wounded me for life, but just so that I would know Him and nothing else".Halleleujah sis! ... i know it doesn't feel like it, but you're making tremendous progress! ... The Holy Ghost is about to birth another water walker named Phebe!You continued;"I wish I could say that I am completely sold out to God, but I'm not yet--not completely anyway. I feel like I'm still wavering on the edge, afraid of jumping off into the ocean of God and yet unable to turn back. I know too much, I love too much to ever go back, but I don't know why I still hold things back from God" ...Aaaaaaaaaamen! ... How well i remember being at this phase, "knowing to much, loving Him to much to ever go back" ... You said you are "afraid of jumping off into the ocean of God " ... Well number one sis it ain't a jump, it's a decided stepping off "onto" the ocean of God ... You walk the water without benefit of anything else save your faith in the Master, you keep all your senses onHim and you'll never sink, and if at anytime you falter it's a s simple as crying out, "Lord save me", and immediately He'll have you by your hand! ... There's a chapter in the unmentionable book entitled "When You Can't Let Go of Unworthy Suspicions About God's Goodness" ... When you still have any part of you that doubts God, it'll keep any of us wavering on the edge ... The edge is an awful place to be for you have all the promises of God, but you can't recieve them because "a double minded man/woman recieveth nothing from the Lord" ... i know it ain't easy, i've been there, but take it from someone who now knows, "Sister Phebe, just step out of the boat on your faith of the goodness you've already been shown by our Lord" ...You said;"I know at the end of all of this will be a knowledge of Christ and Christ alone that I have never had before. Please pray that I have the faith and trust to go that far".Amen on the "knowledge of Christ you've never had before" ... i've been saved for 26 years now and i'm just now knowing what faith is ... God's peace which surpasses all understanding is my faith in Him ... It's the faith that, like Jesus, allows me to catch a sound 40 winks while all about me is the tempest tossed storm of a raging sea ... After readingthe unmentionable book the Lord brought home four quick points to me ...1 - i have nothing to fear, except Him ...2 - i don't have to get revenge, He will ...3 - i can get things done because i now have His power ...4 - i have time, His time ...i'm praying for you sis (assisting) like a mid-wife at the birth of a fellow water walker ... Amen
Hey Rahman,Thank you. It's unbelievably encouraging to hear you and Dian say that this is all actually progress. God sees things so very differently!I really got your birth analogy since I'm a labor and delivery nurse. I know that birth is probably not that fun for the baby. They always come out looking so startled and when they start to cry I swear they're thinking "What the heck happened to me? Help!" Then I give them to their mother and they settle right down because they recognize her voice and smell. How can I ever think that it would be any different with God? If I am in confusion and perplexity and darkness, I will surely end up in the loving hands of my Father, soothed by a Voice that I know...He has been SO good lately. Just in the little things-- like my three-year-old daughter named Cassie. At lunch the other day she started talking about God. I asked her, "Does God ever talk to you, Cassie?" "Yes" she said. "What does He say?" I asked. "Well, actually, He's crying right now," she said. "Why?" I said, amused. "Because He wants you." And with that, she got down to wash her hands and left me sitting, stunned and yearning at the table. Yes, He does want me. And He's going to have me if it's the last thing I do!!PhebeP.S. Don't you think that God wants EVERYONE to be "water-walkers"? How could He not want everyone to draw as near to Him as possible?
Sister Phebe you wrote;"Thank you. It's unbelievably encouraging to hear you and Dian say that this is all actually progress. God sees things so very differently"!You're welcome, but to God be all the glory ... Amen it's all progress, and double amen on God seeing things so differently than we ... That's the Holy Spirits biggest challenge, to get us to seeing/thinking/acting/being in the mind of God, via His transforming us into the image of His beloved Son Jesus Christ ...You continued;"I really got your birth analogy since I'm a labor and delivery nurse. I know that birth is probably not that fun for the baby. They always come out looking so startled and when they start to cry I swear they're thinking "What the heck happened to me? Help!" Praise God, then what's been said about your being birthed a water walker is a confirmation to you ... i once heard this in a song about why babies cry when they come into this world ...Ever wonder why a little baby cries when it's born? ...It's because it's soul isn't happy, being born into sin ...For (at birth) our souls come here a hungering, ready to be spirit again ...So even as a babe we come here sensing something is very wrong ... i think that under perfection we were all meant to be born even into the natural world spiritually: spirit, soul and flesh ... But instead we come here: flesh/soul and spirit ... spiritually breached ... It takes re-birth thru our faith in Christ as personal Savior to enable the Spirit to empower us the positional correcting to be made aright with the Father, and then however many baths it may take to the transformation of our minds, and the presenting of our flesh as a living sacrifice, to do with as our Lord pleases ...You continued;"Then I give them to their mother and they settle right down because they recognize her voice and smell. How can I ever think that it would be any different with God? If I am in confusion and perplexity and darkness, I will surely end up in the loving hands of my Father, soothed by a Voice that I know"...Amen ... We are redeemed to the Father by His Son, then comforted by THE COMFORTER, God the Holy Ghost ... You continued;He has been SO good lately. Just in the little things-- like my three-year-old daughter named Cassie. At lunch the other day she started talking about God. I asked her, "Does God ever talk to you, Cassie?""Yes" she said."What does He say?" I asked."Well, actually, He's crying right now," she said."Why?" I said, amused."Because He wants you."And with that, she got down to wash her hands and left me sitting, stunned and yearning at the table.Yes, He does want me. And He's going to have me if it's the last thing I do!!Ha! ... ha! ... out of the mouths of babes, and your little girl is so right ... Like Jonah, you'll not be able to escape your assignment ... He's begun a good work in you, and He's determined to finish it! ... i've run from God, and i've wrestled with God, and all it will do is make you very, very tired, if as the old saints say, "He's got His hand on you" ... But i'll tell you what's most poignant about what your little girl said and that being, "He's crying right now"! ... That He is, about His Church, and the reason being that only actual 3 year olds, and a few adults with faith in Him like a three year old, see His tears ... Most distressing! ...Your final comment;P.S. Don't you think that God wants EVERYONE to be "water-walkers"? How could He not want everyone to draw as near to Him as possible?Amen He does, just as assuredly as He wants all to accept His Son, but He knows that's not gonna happen, just as He knew there would only be one out of the twelve as rambunctious as Peter ... It was not by accident that Peter became who he'd become by the time Christ first introduced Himself to him on the shore of the sea of Galilee ... Peter didn't chose Christ, Christ chose Peter, and Jesus had both known, and prepared Peter way before then, Peter was groomed to suit God's need for that particular time, as were the prophets of old ... Same with Jacob, and all the other few saints He groomed thru time to become the exemplary pillars of faith spoken of in the book of Hebrews ... Think about it, out of all the billions of people who lived during the time of the penning of the entire Bible, precious few are mentioned by name, and they only because God had a pre-ordained special purpose for their lives, some as vessels of mercy, some as vessels of wrath ... Praise Him that to whatever degree of service He's called us to that we're members of the former and not the latter ...
i finally began to understand that even all the upheaval, turmoil, spiritual darkness, trials, tribulations and questions that stemmed from my being raised in such seemingly religious confliction was all a part of God's plan for my life ... It was like scales fell off my eyes as to the fact that my past is just my short history of God's equiping, and grooming me to some purpose He has in store for me ... Same with you, same with all saints, His degree of intensity in our lives is based on the degree of the intensity of His part for us in His perfect Plan ... We all get a measure of faith to equip us for the faith we need to do the work ... My analogy is that there are loads of land based saints who maintain home and hearth and hold down the fort/church ... Then there are sea faring saints who have a gnawing sensation that they should be doing more and so pass over the uncertainty of the sea to other sides, exploring new possibilities in/for Christ ... And then like Peter there are the water walkers, 1/12 of the folks in the boat, whom God Himself has placed an inescapable desire in their hearts (tho their flesh oft times screams against it) to be able to do exactly as the Lord does ... These folk are fewest, and like Peter oft times enjoy the ectasy of having Christ Church supported by them, but bear the agony of being crucified upside down for such support ...
When you still have any part of you that doubts God, it'll keep any of us wavering on the edge ... The edge is an awful place to be for you have all the promises of God, but you can't recieve them because "a double minded man/woman recieveth nothing from the Lord"