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Joined: 2009/2/20
Posts: 494
Celina, Texas

 Re: Memoir of an Apostate

(Fearapostacy)I would like to take the thread back to your original post. It's not that I don't think highly of Bunyon but forgive me if I don't make the connection as I do not see Bunyon as an agnostic or one unrepentant. I don't mean to disparage the help of those who care to offer you assistance.

I am confused by some of your words. I don't think at all that your history is simple. I desire to understand what you are saying. My initial confusion begins with the statement you make that seems to be made defensively. That is that you were a Christian in your teens and there is no man that can convince you that you were not. That is a very decisive statement considering within a short period of time you would go from the surest belief existing (that can never be born in human reason) for one that the bible itself says is not possible. All men are held responsible for knowing God exists by virtue of the evidence of creation. The agnostic does not know whether there is a God. The Christian will lay his life on the line defending that not only does this God exsist, but that He can also be known. He is known intimately by the Christian. To not know whether or not this God exists would make your direct and deliberate attacks upon His son and Bride seem a bit odd (excuse the use of that word as I am not trying to be curt).

Can you explain what you mean in the third sentence "I came back, or at least I did what I could"?

Regarding the two Hebrew verses I believe the first applies to those who being exposed to Christ are now entertaining the law once again (Jews)

The other verse would be the natural proclivity of the regenerated sole to serve his Master. Far be it from anyone born of God to turn around and attempt to earn their way into the Kingdom by stepping over the broken and bloody body of the only work that can save. That being the work of Christ.

As far as the two options you end with. The better of the two would be to live like the devil. The reason I say that is that God has shown in scripture to have a great contempt for those who make nothing of the blood of his son and try to storm the kingdom by their own works. I would not however leave you so discouraged as I see a good sign in that you are here and you are dealing with eternal matters. I would not comfort you with an assurance that I or anyone else should not give. Only the Holy Spirit can give one such assurance. When He does you will know it without a doubt.

What a testimony you would have to be one who cursed God and came to be one of His greatest witnesses? I will pray for that.

 2011/2/6 2:34Profile

 Re: Memoir of an Apostate


BLESS GOD! You are nearer to the Kingdom of Heaven than you can "think", because we know both, you can't "think" the Kingdom of Heaven into your soul...oh no, it won't happen like that.

No, dear brother, you are RIGHT where God wants you, DESPERATE, just like Jacob, alone, frightened on the banks of the Jabbok, and soon, just like Jacob, one night soon, Jesus is going to wrestle with you, and your heart will lead you to cry, "I will not let you go, until you bless me".

You know i speak the truth. (you cant hear my voice, but it is gentle and loving) you know i speak the truth. You might get your hip wrenched, but Jesus aint going to let you go.

Many times, when my heart was crestfallen, or cold, i listened to one particurally annointed sermon entitled
"Holy Desperation", by Michael Brown.

i realize fully, that just a sermon cant repair your rudder, or sew your sail, but this one might prick your heart, which is my loving prayer for you:

in Jesus' love, your brother, neil wont be bored, its not religiostic, condemning, it's just wonderful...invest the hour, trust your heart as to my words.

 2011/2/6 7:07

 Re: Memoir of an Apostate

With as much certainty as you can say that you were saved, I can say that you are saved.

The problem only lies with were you saved? Were you born again by the Spirit of God? If so you cannot be un-born again, and neither can you expect to be born again and again and again. You either have everlasting life (which is everlasting), or you do not, there is no middle ground.

Now, if you only did what Christians do, and felt what Christians felt, but was not what Christians are, then there is something to be concerned about. But despite what you have come through, if the Lord Jesus Christ truly is personally precious to you, the question of "What think ye of Christ" has been settled in a manner that is inconsistant with a lost person. The difficult part though is true to one being chastened of the Lord, that rebellious period is going to cost you a bunch in your present fellowship with Him. Peter denied Christ three times and was put in a position to undo his denials, from your account I would say that you would be facing a similar dealing.

A couple heartwarming reads for you.


 2011/2/6 16:42


Hebrews 6:4 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost.

Did you receive the baptism of the Holy Ghost and spoke in tongues as the Spirit gave the utterance?

Lets say you have not, then you don't qualify to be in this list of Apostates.

Remember, Matthew 19:26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

Brother, you can't hang yourself on one or two verses, you have to put others together to balance it all out. Yes it says it is impossible, but look at another verse that says,

Matthew 12:20 A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.

and another,

Isaiah 66:2 For all those things hath mine hand made, and all those things have been, saith the LORD: but to this man will I look, even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit, and trembleth at my word.

Psalms 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

People that are broken go to hell like you have been my friend and return to tell the story that it's not worth going there, avoid it, stay away from it. Your trembling before God and His word.

If God spared David and Bathsheba from being stoned according to the Law because of Adultery and Murder, "life for life, under the Old Covenant, how much more now that we are under grace and truth that He is able to exceedingly abundantly above all that you may ask or think?

Stand on the complete Word instead of couple of verses, because the God that is in Hebrews 6 is also every where in the rest of the bible and there is mercy waiting for you Brother.

God Bless your walk.

 2011/2/6 22:12

Joined: 2007/2/16
Posts: 231
Longview WA

 Re: Memoir of an Apostate

John 12:37 But though He had performed such great miracles in their presence, they did not believe in Him--
38 in order that the words of Isaiah the Prophet might be fulfilled, <"Lord, who has believed our preaching? And the arm of the Lord--to whom has it been unveiled?">
39 For this reason they were unable to believe--because Isaiah said again,
40 <"He has blinded their eyes and made their minds callous, lest they should see with their eyes and perceive with their minds, and should turn, and I should heal them.">
41 Isaiah uttered these words because he saw His glory; and he spoke of Him.

Romans 8: 14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

Brother many who thought they were part of the kingdom were not, because God had hardened their heart, if the Holy Spirit of God has compelled you to come home, the Prodigal son, then He has given you an olive branch and wants you to be his adopted son, and if the Spirit of God is still convicting you of sin, and drawing you to be a child who should be disciplined, for those who are not disciplined of the Lord are not His, for God disciplines those who are His/
If you have come home, it's God who drew you,
Be assured only God's grace compels you to acknowledge the fact that you need Him, and need His mercy and Grace.
Praise God, and remember that Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.Rom 8:1

there are many many theologians who have many different intrepertations of heb 6 and 10:26
So all you have to remember is this, all things are possible with God, yes with man it would be impossible, you could never do it in your own strength, but by God's grace you were able to come back and repent.
Quite a testimony of God's mercy...Love Him.
God bless you.


 2011/2/6 23:20Profile

Joined: 2009/4/5
Posts: 2007
Joplin, Missouri

 Re: Memoir of an Apostate

fearapostacy: Didn't Peter deny Christ three times, and Jesus said He had prayed that Peter's faith would not fail?

My wife tells a story of a man who she met who she said was the only person she had ever encountered who had probably lost his salvation. He used to follow Christ, but had come to a point where right and wrong were no longer defineable to him. His conscience was so seared that he no longer knew the difference, literally. Although we cannot judge it, we both agreed that if a man can identify apostacy, this was it.

Obviously you are not (were not) in that postition. What makes a man come to Christ? The drawing of the Holy Spirit. What causes a man to know that he needs to repent? The conviction of the Holy Spirit. Based on what you have said, I don't have any concerns that you might be apostate and forever lost. God has drawn you and you have responded. Praise God you are loved by Him and He has restored you.


 2011/2/7 8:07Profile


Very Good Posting Travis, well balanced and filled with hope.

 2011/2/7 10:02

Joined: 2011/7/6
Posts: 4

 Re: Memoir of an Apostate

I have been going through the same thing.I was raised going to church sometimes regularly othertimes not so much and had always prided myself on having a special relationship with Jesus from the time I was a little child. I had a beautiful childlike faith and remembered hearing that I could speak to God freely and the He was my father since I accepted Jesus and I would believe everthing the bible said. So I would talk to God. I used to invite Jesus to sleep in bed next to me when I was scared at night. Then I went through alot of family problems. I had been a strange child compulsivly confessing and always feeling guilty. Then when I was about 11 years old I went through a severe depression because I thought I was gay ( probably due to some abuse I had experienced as a child)now I know Im not gay, but I was confused and rebelled at about 13 and got into wicca and then satanism. I know that I must have said blasphemous things as a satanist and I also lead other kids into the same kind of rebellion. I was proud arrogant and outspoken.I drank heavily got pregnant had an abortion at 15. I was then married at 16 to the boyfriend who introduced me to satanism.I decided to come back to the faith of my childhood but I continued to go back and forth and had a rough time to continue not drinking to numb my conscience from the affairs I had had even after coming back. Then I got pregnant by my sisters common-law husband and we went to Venezuela and there I really wanted to get my life back on track. When we came back to the states I urged him to go to church with me and realized that we couldnt stay in this sinful relationship. Ironically I moved in with my sister then back in with my ex husband for a bit to get on my feet though he didnt want to work it out. Then I worked at a Christian daycare center and went to college. My life seemed to be on track then I fell into a relationship with my husband who isnt saved. I had been going to a baptist church that taught once saved always saved. So I thought I was fine and I also believed in age of accountability and felt like God understood that I was just going through a rough time in my early years. I was an armenian and then recently came to reformed theology. I came across some passages about the falling away and the blasphemy which I had always had explained away and now I feel like I fell away and blasphemied. I kept thinking that I was a very rare case of someone who felt this way until I came across this forum and I have been terrified of dying ever since and feel like it must be my time soon or why would I have been shown this.

 2011/7/6 23:12Profile

 Re: trying again


Have you ever read about Hezekiah's son in 2 Chronicles 33?

edit: the site is malfunctioning.

"savedsissies", if I may just ask - I noticed the date of this thread ... how did you find this thread? and what made you choose your sign-on name?

My only guess is that "as a child" you had a "Jesus" that wasn't the Real JESUS.

Nevertheless, I do believe there are those who can still do a Mannaseh type repentence. That's open to you. Hope you can see that.

 2011/7/6 23:38

Joined: 2009/3/17
Posts: 308
Central Alberta, Canada

 Re: Memoir of an Apostate


Don't take that scripture out of context. The writer of Hebrews was doing just that...writing to the Hebrews (Jews).

Some of them were in danger of reverting back into the Law and out right denying that Jesus died on the cross for their sins, that He was the Son of God, and in danger of reverting back into the Mosaic Law of works for salvation. It was this denying that Jesus was God manifest in the fleash and that He died for their sins.

You are are not in any danger if God is dealing with you. That's because He isn't going to deal with you unless He intends to have mercy on you. If He wasn't dealing with you, you just wouldn't care at all.

Now, let's look at some scripture shall we...

James 5:19-20
King James Version (KJV)
19Brethren, if any of YOU do err from the truth, and one convert him;

20Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.

Galatians 6:1

1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in ANY trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.

1 John 1:9
King James Version (KJV)
9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. you accept the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ for the remission of your sins?

if so, then just say it here and begin again.

Remember that Jesus spoke of the prodigal son which you are and which I was.


 2011/7/6 23:57Profile

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