SermonIndex Audio Sermons
SermonIndex - Promoting Revival to this Generation
Give To SermonIndex
Discussion Forum : General Topics : marriage?

Print Thread (PDF)

Goto page ( Previous Page 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 Next Page )
PosterThread









 Re: marriage?

Since I've just pounced in on this marriage thread, I would like to comment on the first post.

Quote:
I asked her if she was sure she really loved him enough to want to spend the rest of her life with him and she said that I did not understand their relationship. She said that they were not in love like the way the world likes to portray love.

There is little bit of "fooling themselves" and "correct motives" in her words.

There is this, "Doing things right".

What is doing things right? by whose standards? We'll leave that alone.

I have seen these types of relationships form before and one of them is dictating the conditions, (usually the woman) and the man is just following her lead. It all looks noble and sweet, and to solidify the situation, including "Lord" makes it look even better.

They are "in love" but they don't want to bend to that sort of thinking. Let me give you an example.

Someone will ask us, "Are you a Christian"? We answer, "yes". Then the second question is put forth, "oh what church do you go to?". This second question appears offensive to us because our response is, "I don't go to any Church, I am the church, we don't need to go to any church, we are the body of Jesus Christ". But when pressed, "do you meet with other believers?", then we settle down to a "yes".

Do you see the reasoning? The words, "In love" may sound offensive to this couple, they may see it as "making love" or other words that would hint that they are playing around before the marriage.

And besides, true love has to grow. The "in love" that we see is really an infatuation that eventually leads to marriage. When we start to live with that person and to "put up" with all the idiosyncrasies, and children come along, the true test of being in love will emerge. If they endure it and still can say, "I love you to each other" and have time for themselves because they want to be together, then one can say that these two people do love each other.



**Edited for grammar and taste**

 2010/2/18 10:13
MaryJane
Member



Joined: 2006/7/31
Posts: 3057


 Re:

Greeting snufalapugus

All I can say is I completely disagree with just about everything you wrote in your post. There is a lot of presumptions and skepticism in what you have written. Also you should take note that the couple being talked about did not say they do not love each other, they said they were not "in love" as in the way "the world" likes to portray it. As in all the "Hollywood" hype of what love, romance, ect is.

This couple will face struggles as any married couple does but as long as their focus is on Jesus they will make it. They are already way ahead of most couples because they are willing to die to self and consider the other above themselves. Marriage is work and it is a ongoing daily dieing of self so that Jesus can shine in the lives of both you and your spouse. Marriage is filled with wonderful joy and blessings as well, to be able to share all of life's moments with that one other person is a true gift from the Lord.

Honestly I am not in love with my husband the way "the world or Hollywood movies" likes to portray it either, and he is not in love with me that way. Who would want that selfish, kind of self absorbed, sinful attitude in their Christian marriage any way? This girl said that she loves her future husband, she said she cares for him and that she wants to be his help and support, sounds to me like they are on pretty solid ground.

I know you said that you were commenting on the first post, maybe it would help if you read the follow up post from her friend, its on page two of the thread at the bottom.

God Bless
maryjane

Please I want to make one thing clear about my post, I am not saying romance is wrong.(flowers, love notes, gifts are all wonderful) What I am saying is that the attitudes of trying to make a marriage fit into the "worldly, Hollywood" mold of romance is not something we as Christian should be looking for in our marriage.

 2010/2/18 12:37Profile
MaryJane
Member



Joined: 2006/7/31
Posts: 3057


 Re:

Greetings ginnyrose

Quote:
While this may sound dreadful, in reality it is very rewarding. When you work to please the other and do it with cheerfulness, he will love you and this will feed the desire to please - and interesting cycle and a satisfying one.


________________________________________________________

I agree with you here. My only regret is that it took me so long to see this in my own marriage. Its amazing but even in that silly old saying of "you can attract more flies with honey then vinegar" is really true. Sharing with my husband calmly and with a loving Christ like heart instead of yelling and demanding has made such a huge difference in our marriage.

Quote:
Having said all this, a husband is not god. He will do stupid and sometimes hurtful things because he is human. And so will you.


______________________________________________________

I agree with this to:) although for me personally I will add that the wife is not ever head of the house either. That was a really hard one for me to die to but praise God because He showed me how so many of my attitudes were killing my marriage and I did not even see it at the time. Learning to die to self where my husband was concerned and learning to trust him and submit to him as the head of the house was really difficult but I knew it was vital if I wanted my marriage to last and if I wanted to obey Jesus.

Quote:
To have a successful marriage requires one to maintain a forgiving mentality 24/7 with no letup. When this becomes the norm, satisfaction will result. When you choose otherwise, conflict will become the norm and then nobody is happy.


_____________________________________________________

Forgiveness is especially important to a married couple. If I can think of one single thing that will destroy a marriage quicker then anything else I would say it is unforgivness. Holding on to past hurts and wrongs allows bitterness to take hold and once it begins to weave its deadly poison on the heart of either spouse the marriage itself is in real danger. Self and the enemy love to feed off of unforgivness.

Wow being married really is a place where the two come together to become one and learn to follow Jesus and die to self in the quickest possible way:) Thanks ginnyrose I really love hearing your thoughts on these things. Actually these threads on love and marriage have really made me examine my own marriage and in a way that may not be obvious to others I have really gained such an appreciation for my dh. God is so good to us, He opens my eyes up to things that I would not see with out Him.

God Bless
maryjane

 2010/2/18 13:03Profile









 Re:

Quote:
Also you should take note that the couple being talked about did not say they do not love each other, they said they were not "in love" as in the way "the world" likes to portray it. As in all the "Hollywood" hype of what love, romance, ect is.

I said that in my post, I agree with you.

Quote:
Please I want to make one thing clear about my post, I am not saying romance is wrong.(flowers, love notes, gifts are all wonderful) What I am saying is that the attitudes of trying to make a marriage fit into the "worldly, Hollywood" mold of romance is not something we as Christian should be looking for in our marriage.

I am being misunderstood BIG TIME. I agree with you. If I could have re written my post, it would sound just like yours. I am not against this couple. I hope they really do everything they have purposed in their hearts to do.

However, this is a good lesson for me to stay out of personal postings. Thanks for the heads up.

:-)

 2010/2/18 20:28
MaryJane
Member



Joined: 2006/7/31
Posts: 3057


 Re:

Quote:
I am being misunderstood BIG TIME.


____________________________________________________

If I did misunderstand your post then I apologies and ask that you would forgive me. It is hard to sometimes know exactly what the heart of the person is behind their post.

God Bless
maryjane

Edited: I reread your post again and wanted to say thanks for edited and removing the last part

 2010/2/18 20:57Profile
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7534
Mississippi

 Re: Post-Abortion Syndrome

Today as I was working my thoughts went to this thread and the last question ebeth asked. Then I remembered something - her age and popular culture.

Elizabeth was [likely] born after Roe v Wade in which abortion was legalized. The probability is now that many who post here on SI have either been involved with this procedure or have friends and relatives who have. It has become so commonplace.

It is a well known fact that abortion is not without its victims. First you have the child that was aborted and then you have the mother of the child, the father and the ones who did the procedure. Now I would like to focus on the mother.

Females are by nature much more emotional - we all know this. We get hurt easily, we cry easily and we can get angry, upset at real or perceived wrongs. We have the motherly instinct that works to protect and nurture her offspring. These are all God given and are to be protected.

Many females will abort their child for practical reasons - can't afford a child, am too busy, poor, the dad is not supportive, etc. Most females know instinctively this is wrong or sin but will go ahead with it anyways because they do not see how they can care for the child. Since the mother knows this is wrong, she will go into denial, convincing herself that her circumstances will justify this decision.

The guilt then may go underground where it will lie and eventually it will fester and resurface into some other problem that appears to be completely unrelated. She will have any combination of emotional upsets: nightmares; abuse drugs; angry at life, at males; shop when children are less likely be around. For some this may happen soon after the event, or it may wait as long as twenty years after the abortion to become apparent. Some stats will say that 80% of all women who abort will experience this, others say 100%.

The reason I am telling you this is that since Roe v Wade there has been a rise in child abuse, divorces and STD's. There are many wives who are angry because they have been victimized because of this sin and it is destroying marriages, homes and the husband will likely not know what is wrong with this crazy woman. Really! she has become crazy - and it takes a skilled counselor to be able to sort through the issues that bedevil this woman to discover what is at the root of her craziness.

We can say that God will forgive this sin, this is true, but the process of experiencing this forgiveness is a very painful and traumatic process emotionally - she has to recognize, admit she killed her child, and go through a grieving process before she can be healed emotionally, and spiritually. The process of cleansing is time consuming.

Elizabeth, do you understand what I am saying? The short of the long is that many 'Christian' females have been victimized by their sin of immorality and then abortion and this interferes with her ability to bond with a husband, to trust him and to love her children out of a heart of love and not be tainted by quilt. If this has been in anyone's background you must experience a real, deep cleansing by the Holy Spirit in order to succeed in marriage. This process includes sharing with your fiance` your history and solicit his assistance in help you because you have been weakened by sin and need lots of restoring. And the groom will do well to educate himself to know how he can best help her.

Ebeth, I worked at a Crises Pregnancy Center for 15 years, hence my concern for this issue. I hope you understand the point I am making: many brides today have impaired their ability to make a good marriage because of sin. It can be done, but, oh! the journey will be rough...

If I failed to make anything clear, just ask...

Wishing God's best on all...

ginnyrose


_________________
Sandra Miller

 2010/2/18 22:08Profile
wind_blows
Member



Joined: 2009/1/4
Posts: 353


 Re:

Hi

I have really been struggling with something and even though this is really hard for me I felt like I should clear some things up and be honest about who I am. My name is Ellie and I am going to be turning twenty one this year. The thing that many of you do not know about me is that I am married. I have portrayed myself as being single because of the present situation that I am in. I got married just after I turned seventeen years old. I was very young, very immature and completely “in love” with my husband. My husband is a year older then I am. I have known my husband for along time, we grew up in the same small town and when we were in high school we started dating. Jase and I come from really different backgrounds. His family are all professing Christians, while I came from a broken home with no real religious background. My dad left mom when I was younger and has little to do with us since then. I never went to church until I started dating Jase. He invited me along with him to his youth group, this was my first real contact with others that followed Jesus. Jase and I dated pretty seriously for a year and half and I never felt so connected to anyone else in my life. I was completely in love with him, from the moment we shared our first kiss I knew I wanted to be with him forever. Jase felt the same way, we planned that after he graduated he would go to state University and we would keep in touch and see each other on breaks while I finished my senior year of high school. After I graduated we were going to go to University together and then see what the Lord had for us from there. We had talked this all through but then just before Jase graduation I freaked out about him going away and got really upset that we would break up. I hated the thought of him being gone from me and away at school so we decided to get married instead. I convinced my mom to sign the parental permission and we got married after Jase graduated.

Jase parents were not happy about our change in plans but they were supportive. They own a ranch with a lot of property. His parents gave us a place to live, a converted apartment over the garage was our first place. Jase stayed home and went to the local community college and worked with his dad at the ranch instead of heading off to University. I finished my last year of high school during our first year of marriage.


When we were first married I had a lot of expectations on what I thought marriage was suppose to be. I wanted to make things work (not like my parents marriage) Jase worked a ton of hours and then went to school full time too. He has always been a really driven person and needs to do well in everything that he does. I am completely different and a lot more easy going. From almost the beginning of our marriage we struggled with the little things. Things I never thought we would fight over often became full blown battles.

During our second year of marriage things seemed to only get worse and I got even more demanding and controlling. The more we fought the more worried and afraid I became that he didn't love me anymore. I hated having to spend so much time alone because he was always working and going to school. I even convinced myself that he was working so much just so he could be away from me. We were fighting all the time and a few weeks before our second wedding anniversary we had a huge fight that we just couldn't seem to recover from. I said so many angry hurtful things that night that I still regret so much. Jase left me that night and stayed at his parents house. The next morning he packed his things and went to stay at his older brothers house. My worst fears had come true. Before Jase left that morning I asked him if he wanted a divorce, he just said he would be in touch and then he closed the door and was gone.

I cried so hard, I felt like my world was falling apart. I waited and stayed at the apartment for a few days hoping he would come back home, but he didn't. It was awkward being there alone with his mom and dad and family. They knew we had a fight and that we were having some troubles but they were kind to me and tried not to take sides to much. In the end though I just couldn't be there any more. Each day that passed with out him there just made me feel worse. I packed my things and moved back home with my mom. It still is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. During this time I was really going through a lot of emotions. My mom having dealt with her own husband leaving was telling me I had to call Jase and get things figured out. So after I was settled I called him, I asked him what he was planning to do about us. He said he couldn't deal with my unending demands and my controlling attitudes. He said he didn't like being told what to do as if he was a child. I told him he was never there, and that he never listened to me. I accused him of being a workaholic and told him that he never wanted to have any time for us. We argued more and blamed each other until finally I just hung up.

The last time Jase and I spoke he told me he did not know what it was he wanted to do about us. He said he wasn't in a place to make any decisions and that if I cared about him I would stop calling him and just let him have some time. He said when he was ready he would be in touch with me, that was the last time I spoke to him.

Over the next several months I did go through some real struggles with depression. It took everything in me not to call him. Sara and I had become really good friends , and we are very close. She is the only one in his family I have been in contact with over the past year. Sara shared with me what it meant to really give my life to the Lord and not just go to church on Sundays. She was such a help to me during that time. I did learn from her that Jase is now back living with his parent and working at the ranch. He is still going to school. I was surprised because I thought he would have headed off to the state University but he decided to stay where he was. I asked her if Jase ever talks about me, she said that about six months after we split they were talking and he told her that he was not planning to get a divorce, he said he could not bring himself to do that. He told her that he knew he had to grow up, but that he needed some time and that for now this was how things had to be for him and I.
I know that he has not seen anyone else while we have been apart because his parents would never tolerate that in their home especially while we are still married. I have had a lot of time to think about things. I know I was selfish wanting everything to be perfect all the time. I wanted him to be there for me all the time, I wanted our marriage to be like this huge romantic love story that never ends but the truth is marriage is a lot of work.I couldn't see that then but I see it now. I know one of the really big issues for my husband was that I was controlling of him, he did not like always having me “tell” him what to do. I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned is not to manipulate and not to try to always control things. I really do hope one day I get to share some of these things with my husband, but for now I am trying to honor what he has asked of me. It is hard though when you care about someone. As for now I am living to honor my marriage vows and just trust in the Lord. I have been living with my mom, going to school, working, and trusting as each day goes by. Mom and I have since moved a couple of times. Mom has some serious health issues so we moved to the city very recently. I no longer live in the same area as my husband I live several hours away from his family ranch. Sara lives in the city as well so I do get to be in touch with her often. I did just learn from her that Jase is planning to come to her wedding and wanted to make sure I would not be upset by him being there. He told her he is looking forward to seeing me. I am hopeful but I do want to be carefu.

I am sorry for not being more forth coming about myself and for not being completely honest about my marital status. I don't have any excuses except to say it has been really hard to know who to trust. There have been times when I have shared this with well meaning Christians and they inevitably always want to tell me that I should just get a divorce and move on with my life. I will admit I have withdrawn from people, I have put up a lot of walls to keep people at a distance. I don't really want to let people get to close and I spend a lot of time alone or with those very few I know will not ask to many questions because its less painful that way. I am trying to learn to come out from behind some of these walls but its a slow process. I realize this is long, as I am writing this I think how much information should I give? How much detail should I reveal? Does anyone really even want to hear about this anyway but then I am so tired of keeping secrets and not being real with people so I figure if I can't start here then where will I start.

In Him
Ellie

 2010/2/21 13:56Profile
Miccah
Member



Joined: 2007/9/13
Posts: 1752
Wisconsin

 Re:

God bless you sister. Your honesty is a breath of fresh air.


_________________
Christiaan

 2010/2/21 15:11Profile
twayneb
Member



Joined: 2009/4/5
Posts: 2256
Joplin, Missouri

 Re:

Ellie et.al.: I don't think others would not want to hear about your journey. You are under no compulsion to share every part of your life (this is an on-line community after all), but thank you for sharing. I, along with other I am sure, pray that God will restore your marriage completely and that you and your husband will serve Him side by side.

My wife and I have been married for 16-1/2 years, and I think that in a sense we are just now "getting it". When someone says "hollywood" style romance, I cringe a litte (OK, a LOT) since I know that that style of relationship is usually based entirely off of emotion and fueled by fleshly passion. However, passion and romance is vital and I believe ordained of God to be present in a healthy marriage. Men and women are vastly different. I will vouch for the fact that, as a man, my wife has had to learn to be very blunt with me. I just don't get innuendo like she does. She has had to learn that there is usually not much more behind my words than is conveyed by the words themselves and not to try to read more into what I am saying than what I am saying. We have had several very trying times in our marriage when forgiveness was absolutely necessary on both sides.

I have found that the closer we draw to one another and the closer we draw to God, the more romance and passion increase. I would say that passion and romance in a Christian marriage are a direct product of the spiritual bond between the couple. I honestly believe that a couple who have discerned the will of God for marriage will develop the romance and passion as they walk together in that union.

As I said, I feel in a lot of ways like I am just now figuring out what marriage is all about, and I have already raised two boys and walked together with my wife for almost 17 years. I learn new things about her every day. I learn even more things about myself every day. Whoever said it was like a death is right in one respect. I have had to learn to die to myself and my own desires and love my wife like Christ loves the church and boy am I ever a novice at that one.

It does take a 100% commitment from both spouses to doing things God's way, to staying together till death do us part, to dying to self.

Travis


_________________
Travis

 2010/2/21 15:28Profile









 Re:

Quote:
we planned that after he graduated he would go to state University and we would keep in touch and see each other on breaks while I finished my senior year of high school. After I graduated we were going to go to University together and then see what the Lord had for us from there. We had talked this all through but then just before Jase graduation I freaked out

You have a good man there Ellie. You both had planned that you both get your schooling done before settling down to marriage, that was the plan and a good one. He seems to be the type of man that wants to establish himself before having a family, but your paranoia got the best of you.

Ellie, he is preparing himself to receive you again, you should do the same thing by allowing the LORD to remove those hideous walls. As a man I can understand Jase for being the way he is. He is not selfish at all, he is trying to make a career, but you forced his hand in marriage which wasn't supposed to happen for a few years, you both were not ready.

In the meantime, I'd be preparing myself so that when the time comes for reconciliation you won't have all this baggage to deal with that will only rekindle old fights that were not settled.

My prayers are with you and that you'll be praying everyday for the LORD to change you into a whole woman of God, those walls have got to go. There are a few women on this website that you would greatly appreciate perhaps they will befriend you, open up to them, for they are trustworthy handmaidens of the LORD.

God Bless

 2010/2/21 15:54





©2002-2024 SermonIndex.net
Promoting Revival to this Generation.
Privacy Policy