For a little while now I have been struggling with feeling confused and alone. There have been some days where my heart is just so heavy, I know that I still have so much I must die to, to repent of. I felt like some how I have lost sight of what really and truly matters, I felt as if I have lost sight of Him. I'm not sure how it is that I found myself in this place. Perhaps to much time spent in trying to get things done and not enough time just being with the Lord. I had been struggling especially over the last few nights with just this utter emptiness. Sometimes its really difficult not to pay attention to the many voices around you that tell you who you should be. Sometimes its feels very much has if every thought is like a tally mark against you and it can become very overwhelming. This was my heart but then as I prayed, as I looked to the Lord and asked Who is it I am suppose to be? How do I live this life in You and not feel like a huge fake, I still fall so very very short of what and where I should be? How can You love me when I fail You so often, when I hurt You so deeply?
These were the thoughts plaguing me as I stood looking out my window,staring out into the darkness of the night sky. As I finished my prayer, I opened my eyes and realized that it had began to snow. As I watched huge fluffy flakes drift down, slowly covering the earth in the most beautiful white blanket I realized something... I realized that no matter what I was dealing with inside, my Heavenly Father is always there. He is there doing a work in my heart that needs to be done. He is shaping me, teaching me, helping me to grow into who He has for me to be. There are times when this is a painful process, when its even a lonely process. There are times when there just are not words to describe what is happening in the heart, but some how deep down I know that it is for my best and that it is because He loves me so much. As I watched each snow flake fall, it was as if one by one each of those heavy weights and all those unanswered what if questions just seemed to fall away. As the snow covered the earth all around me, my Heavenly Father reminded me of how the blood of His precious Son covers all of my sins. There on the cross He suffered so that I might be made clean. As the snow continued to fall, I reflected and meditated on the Lord for a long while. Soon I found myself smiling, and rejoicing, I felt such peace and comfort. The funny thing is I still don't have all the answers, I still know that there is much in my life that I need to die to, and I still know that I am going to go through times when I feel alone, but I just have to look back and remember this moment and know that He is here with me always. I don't have to worry about who others believe I should be, I just have to keep my heart and eyes on Him and know with all confidence that He will complete the work that He began in me! He will help me to become who I am to be in Him!
I just wanted to let you all know that tonight its snowing and our Heavenly Father loves you so very much!!!