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Discussion Forum : Miracles that follow the plow : Pray for me.

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Joined: 2009/7/22
Posts: 1

 Pray for me.

For the past couple of months I have been crying out to the Lord for salvation. There have been times where I have thought myself saved only to see that I am not. There have been many days of deep hopelessness as to whether the Lord will save me or not, other times, a strong determination to keep seeking Him until he is found. There have been times where I have almost given up but there is a voice in my head and a feeling in my gut that wont let me do so, I cannot turn from seeking God.

I have asked the Lord to show me my sin, that I may see myself for what I am. I believe He has answered me to some extent, but it has only made me more hopeless. Everything I do seems to be sinful or motivated by self in some way. I hate it. I don't even want to be around other people because of the things that flash through my mind, it makes me sick. When I go to class, everybody I see on the way it feels as if I should witness to, but I have no courage and when I walk past somebody it feels as if I have sinned and heap further condemnation upon myself. I cry out to God for deliverance but he does not answer.

It is at the point where I am listening to almost any and all "voices" in my head, just to avoid doing something wrong, only to end up having some thought flash across my mind as a result from doing that action. If I resist, I am accused of sinning, if I abide, I feel more empty. I often ask God to show me his will that there will be no doubt as to if it is what I should do, only to get a reply of "you know what you need to do" and end up leaving more distressed because I honestly don't know if it what God wants.

I don't know what to do. I stay up to the early hours of the morning praying, only to have my prayers bounce of the ceiling and have scripture reading be dry and headache inducing.

I try fasting, only to think that maybe doing this God will answer me. I know this is twisting God's arm and he will not honor it but when I break the fast I am instantly put under the feeling of if I have just done something wrong.

I don't even know if I am seeking God anymore. I wonder if I am just seeking some sort of experience, some thrill. It sickens me to think that I would do this and not search out God. Honestly, I don't know my motives anymore.

To add more confusion to the mix, there are times when tears are shed when reading scripture, during prayer and wanting Christ alone. I would do anything if I were to know it the will of God and not some random voice in my head.

I know the Gospel. I hear of God's mercies, his tenderness but I experience none of it. The only thing I feel is that of condemnation. I feel no conviction of my sin, and yet I see it and it sickens me, perhaps it is the same thing, I don't even know anymore.

Please, not to insult, but don't post anything encouraging. My mind has a grotesque talent of taking things as simple as that and turning it into something to boast about, something prideful and arrogant, and I cannot bear to see that happen. I just ask God's people to pray for an arrogant person such as myself (glory in my shame comes to mind now) that God would break me and save me. I know I don't deserve it but I cannot stop until He has told me Himself that I am one of His.


 2009/7/22 3:08Profile

Joined: 2007/8/17
Posts: 116
Lloydminster, Alberta, Canada

 Re: Pray for me.

Stop struggling so hard and believe. it's by his grace, not our great effort, that God saves us.

Jesus, reveil yourself to Anihilus, show him your kindness, Love, Peace and Joy, which leads us to repentance.Give Him the assurance of Your salvation. In Jesus name Amen.

Love in CHRIST tom

Tom weighill

 2009/7/22 4:02Profile

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