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well, here is an update, albeit a sad one. i haven't wanted to post this, but here it is. i have much to confess, and much to plead for. may the Lord have mercy.
i have had to learn much, at the expense of this sweet girl (and many before her, but this is the one where i think i have finally begun to actually learn, not just regret only). she really is a sweet girl. i pushed and pushed her to repent (she professes Christ), and she recently told me i'm the most judgemental person she's ever met, wants nothing to do with me, and is now refusing to speak to me at all. i have emailed and texted apologies, telling her how sorry i am, confessing my sins in it all. she will not acknowledge them. i have spent two weeks in misery as far as things with her, because i hurt her trying to love in my own strength. i cried in my soul for a week solid, i had trouble functioning at work, had physical things going on, etc.
see, it's a combination of obedience to tell her the truth and defiance in using my own strength to do so. it's a blend of me loving her and me resenting her. there is such a mix of godliness and human frailty and rebellion in me. there was a right anger in seeing the Lord's name dragged through the mud, but there was also a selfish anger that i was being hurt by their sin. self-pity was big in this. i have been confronted with a lot of my sin in all this, and i'm so grateful even though it hurts so badly. i'm sad i hurt her. (granted, her sin is still her sin and she needs very much to repent before God.) i shared the truth with her a couple times and should have just asked God to help me love her, but instead i started pushing her to repent, and eventually became resentful and embittered towards her, getting mad every time the boyfriend came over, staying out as long as i could in town and engaging in eating dinner out just to kill time (gluttony) so i wouldn't have to go to the apartment because i knew he'd be there. instead of having mercy on the deceived, i was just mad at her. whenever i saw his car outside i would roll my eyes and get mad. even though i spoke with kindness to her, i was not loving her on my inside. i was thinking of myself a lot, not pursuing longsuffering.
this is terrible news. so now she hates me, and has said how she is sick of Christians who are supposed tt be loving who are judging her.
now, there is a reality that a big part of what she feels is the truth exposing her sin. yes. she has verbally stated her refusal to repent. she is undoubtedly angry because she knows she is wrong and hates to be confronted with the Light of Christ. yes. but: this does not excuse my sin.
oh, the Lord is good to clean us. recently He has shown me these things, and i have repented before Him, confessed some things to some brethren, and i believe i can now wash my hands of the roommate situation. i ahve apologized so much, confessed everything i can to her (as far as i know), and told her how much i do love her, and i am at peace in the last few days, oddly enough. i beieve i ahve done all i can. even through my spologies, He taught me to wait upon Him; i was led to wait a whole week after my initial apology to write an email, which was agonizing, and then another week to send texts. the grace of the Lord is mighty.
i ask you, please pray for her salvation, and the other roommate's salvation, and the boyfriend's salvation, and the baby on the way's salvation.
i ask you to pray for God to get me out of here.
i ask you to pray that God would show me if there is anything else than i need to do or repent of in this.
and i thank you all for your prayers!!!! God has been so merciful to show me many truths that needed to come out and cleanse me! i have peace today, by His unfathomable grace. i don't understand how, but i am thankful.
oh, God, thank You for Your discipline. thank You for Your learning. thank You for all the gracious people in my life, who, though i have hurt them by loving in my own strength, have still by Your tremendous grace stuck by me and are still loving me. please help me to serve them in Your strength. please let me sit and wait quietly and patiently by Your side.
please, please don't stop teaching me, Lord.
| 2009/3/29 9:20||Profile|
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saints, i need your prayers. i believe i have a praise of God's mercy upon me, and i desire to embrace and love His will either way. please pray He makes and keeps me true to Him, and true to all this situation has taught me.
i had posted the room again a few days ago, and a girl had emailed. she was 20 and a student, so i was skeptical but gave her a chance. i met with her tonight, and, assuming that angela (the roommate that is still talking to me) likes her, she'll move in on wednesday. she is a really nice girl, and this will benefit her a lot too, because the room is cheap and in a safe neighborhood, etc. plus, this girl works right in the neighborhood and so it is very convenient for her. she loves the room, loves the nieghborhood, and is very excited. the landlord ok'ed it and the last step is for angela to approve. seems like she will, after talking with her tonight. seems as though the Lord is delivering me from this...
praise the Lord for His kindess. this situation has wearied me and grown me in tremendous ways. may i never forget the lessons i learned here, and may His good grace keep me daily living out His love that taught me so much. i will undoubtedly learn yet more about this as time goes on.
oh, saints, please pray that God will in fact free me. please thank Him for it if He does. please pray and thank God for this painful lesson and painful time, that He would refine me through it. please pray that God would show me where i was obedient, that i might know what good to do again if given the opportunity. i think i do know, but i want to be sure.
praise God in general that He is worthy of all praise.
| 2009/3/30 19:58||Profile|
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He is worthy of all praise.
Amen. I will be praying Holly.
| 2009/3/30 20:50||Profile|
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praise Him for His tremendous klindness. not only has He taught me in all this, and now freed me from all this, but He is also providing for my needs in housing. the girl is moving in tomorrow, and so i started to battle worry...what a vile thing!, because i do not have anything officially lined up for a place to stay. i had earlier sent out some prayer requests for this via email. after a time of wrestling and prayer, and by HIS good grace, surrender and trust in Him to provide...i went to go into my email to email a sister to see if could crash at her place perhaps. in my inbox was a letter from a brother who said he knows a married couple that will most likely let me stay in their house free for april!!!
thank God for His kindness and mercy and thank you for your prayers over me. much glory to God in all this!
oh, may HIS great name be praised!!!! wow. what love.
| 2009/3/31 23:38||Profile|
Monroe, LA - USA
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I am SO GLAD that things are working out for you! God will always be with us in the wilderness, and also He will be there to part the Jordan river for us when it is time to go into another frontier with Him.
In reading your post, I hoped that you are truly learning the lessons that God is wanting you to . . . and that you are not accepting any false guilt from the accuser of the brethren.
I am trying to be careful in what I am writing. I DON'T KNOW YOUR HEART, only God does, and if you have truly sinned in some of your actions and attitudes toward your roommate, it was only appropriate that you apologize. I just hope that HER REACTION was not what you based your guilt on.
The apostle who expounded the most on love, John said:
1 John 3:11 ¶For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.
12 Not as Cain, who was of that wicked one, and slew his brother. And wherefore slew he him? Because his own works were evil, and his brother's righteous.
13 Marvel not, my brethren, if the world hate you.
In John's epistle, he quoted Jesus as saying:
John 15:18 ¶If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.
19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.
20 Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also.
21 But all these things will they do unto you for my name's sake, because they know not him that sent me.
22 If I had not come and spoken unto them, they had not had sin: but now they have no cloke for their sin.
When you spoke the truth to her, you ripped off her cloke of self-justification; therefore, she developed a hate for you:
she recently told me i'm the most judgemental person she's ever met, wants nothing to do with me, and is now refusing to speak to me at all. i have emailed and texted apologies, telling her how sorry i am, confessing my sins in it all. she will not acknowledge them.
You are not being judgemental because your are declaring the truth to her, and urging her to repent. THE BIBLE HAS ALREADY JUDGED her sin. You are just the messenger.
I had a boss who at times had to bring us "bad news" from the corporate office. One of his favorite lines was "don't shoot the messenger".
If you are delivering such messages as this to her:
1 Corinthians 6:9 ¶Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
11 And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
you are doing her the greatest favor that she could ever know. IF SHE DOESN'T REPENT, and she dies in her sins, she will wish that you had been even more urgent with her. When her soul is whencing, and she is screaming out in the pain and torment of hell, she will wish a trillion times that had listened to your urging her to repent . . . but it will be too late.
instead of having mercy on the deceived, i was just mad at her. whenever i saw his car outside i would roll my eyes and get mad. even though i spoke with kindness to her, i was not loving her on my inside. i was thinking of myself a lot, not pursuing longsuffering.
Holly, Jesus was often angry with religious people who were not living right. Along with that anger were tears for their stubborness. When you think about where your friend will spend eternity, you will naturally be angry because of her stubborn blindness, but you should also be sad because of the fact that Jesus died for her, yet for her, his suffering will be a waste if she doesn't repent.
God bless you! he will lead you and help you!
| 2009/4/1 1:07||Profile|
Monroe, LA - USA
| 2009/4/1 1:30||Profile|
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thank you so mcuh for your words. there is so much that i don't know about this situation. it's all so blurry, so blended of my right actions and wrong ones. i just know i shared the truth, which was absolutley right, praise God for His grace to give me courage. but then i got angry when they didn't change. i was steeped in poor-me-i'm-stuck-in-this, and self-pity is not of God. i recall joseph and all that he got tricked into and taunted with, and where was his self-pity? it wasn't. he accepted the Lord's testing and allowing that stuff to bring him closer to God. and God used this to do the same for me. so now i have learned so much and i have knowledge to be able to share with the brethren for everyone's good. some scars, too, and that's ok. wisdom accompanies scars. :)
they are supposed to hate us, and i ahve experienced that many times before. for some reason, it was just different this time around. not sure why.
praise God for His mercy, and i hope He continues to grant it to me, this weak but hopeful vessel.
thank you all so much for your prayers, encouragement, and admonitions. oh, how i cherish you.
| 2009/4/1 12:29||Profile|
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update: ok, so the place didn't work out, but i'm so grateful; God directed me to a wonderful youth hostel here in the city, for which i'm so grateful! there is a really sweet girl from austria in my room, and over the weekend i'll take her around the city. so please pray God wil speak through this wretch and use me to give her His truth. her name is tanja.
what a wonderful time it has been there these last couple days. i'm so grateful God has granted me to be free from the apartment, a huge weight is lifted off my heart. but i'm grateful He kept me there in a very painful place, because much growth and revelation came out of that. i ask that you keep on praying for the salvation of all involved there. but it's wonderful to be freed, and i've slept better in the last two nights than in months. thank you all for your prayers. i thank God for His incredible kindness in letting me have a hard place to grow much, and to free me from it so as not to completely destroy me.
please also pray He would direct my steps in the coming weeks. i don't know where He would have me live, if i should stay in new york or move, (i have wonderful Biblical, godly fellowship in boston) and also where to live for this period, as the hostel allows guests only for a two-week maximum.
thank you so much.
love you all.
| 2009/4/3 11:54||Profile|
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God is so kind!!! He has supplied a place to sublet through june! yaaaaay!! praise Him for His kindness...
thank you for your prayers.
| 2009/4/10 22:44||Profile|