I don't think we need counseling though.
I would caution you not to rule this out. Counseling with your pastor is a good thing, and I think you probably need to.
| 2008/10/14 7:07|
Good that your wife had come back- pleased to see that.
But, i agree with Krispy- 'Counseling is a wonderful thing, which can really help you out of many a trouble (personal and family issues).'
In-fact, i think that many problems keep knocking at us because we don't learn to share our problems with others (esp. the elders).
And, dear brother: this is exactly what all the brothers have been doing on SI/this forum (counseling, i mean!).
[i][size=x-small]Proverbs 11:14[/size][/i][i][size=x-small]Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.[/size][/i]
[i][size=x-small]For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety.[/size][/i]
| 2008/10/14 8:14||Profile|
I don't think we need counseling though. ...I don't need marriage counseling but personal counseling but more than that I need to be set free from this bondage that torments me.... I've always thought counseling was for the weak but I've realized how weak I am so it must be for me. ...only in the past few months since turning to Jesus has it changed but it came back ... Please keep praying for my wife and marriage and for me.
As Krispy mentioned, I would not rule out counselling and I read in your own words, you really haven't, either. Do (try) not to feel shame or embarrassment because of 'marriage counselling', especially pastor guidance and advice. There are many Christian counsellors. My wife and I visited my pastor when we first got married and he was a great help, even with just practical advice.
Anyhow, you are hearing this advice being repeated.
You seem to be beating yourself up as well. Seek God and godly council, whether here or better yet, face to face with someone you and your wife feel comfortable with.
You have prayer partners.
| 2008/10/14 8:15|
Santa Clara, CA
| Re: You can alter your disposition|
My prayers go out to you perhaps in a different way. Along with the good counsel of others here that you find a true saint, a pastor to confide in I also believe without a shadow of doubt that there is much right here that will do your heart good and if you will allow it, a great sweeping change of attitude, character and disposition.
It can come in many forms. Sermons. Keith Daniel comes to mind and there are a number of excellent messages on marriage here, they altered my own perception greatly some years back.
But what might really challenge and shape you are those things that we tend to think don't pertain to us often. That is, counter agents. For instance pride. It's opposite would seemingly be humility and it is - but patience, [i]not speaking[/i] when the vile flesh and corruption of these fallen minds rises up, being always prayerful as difficult as it is - A multitude of things.
What I am trying to state is that they come often from things that you do not suppose, from areas that seem to pertain differently. Reading and listening to these great living dead, the puritans as they are some times called had a great demand about them, they draw things out of us, they pull at the conscience and the conviction, they challenge the perceptions, it all depends on our absorption and propensity, willingness to hear not merely listen but to allow these things deep down into our being.
Brother, I would warn against too much navel gazing as it was admonished to me by this very same wonderful crowd over the years. You can get many things up in your head and strive to preform them, promise yourself that you will do so but it is your disposition that needs altering - I am speaking from a great deal of experience. Comparisons and contrasts will do you much good. Read\listen to autobiographies of these great saints, there is a series by John Piper here for instance that is tremendous on that level, it gives you a perspective on what they went through and by comparison it can be very humbling.
I am running on here a bit but brother, my situation is quite a bit different than yours, I have been married now for ten years and cannot go into details, but it is somewhat opposite - The overriding factor is just [i]patience[/i] and prayer. I learned the hard way through similar reactions of regret and anger, of forcing myself (that is my opinion) and of just 'giving up' and becoming embittered, I tried everything it seemed all to no avail, pleading and pouring out my heart, a plying for sympathy though I had thought it was just being honest, I could go on and on. Do you see brother what you have in your wife? Cherish it. I take no wishes from you and praise God that you have a wife who loves the Lord, let that spur you on, on to working on your character and disposition, those very things that speak louder than words.
Be encouraged and humbled, they do go togther, far more than we might suppose.
[i]Husbands, love your wives[/i]
Col 3:19, Eph 5:25
| 2008/10/14 9:12||Profile|
Thank you all for your continuing prayers and counsel. I sat last night with my wife and wept and physically trembled as I confessed my need for deliverance from bondage to tormenting thoughts and emotions that can only come from the enemy that rise up from within me. I confessed my deepest secrets and asked her forgiveness and asked her to be patient with me. My wife will pray and fast and said she loves me and wants to continue our marriage. Many things were shared and talked about that allowed a burden to be lifted. I have always had a massively hard time accepting God's Love. Due to the sensitivity of the issue I won't go into details of course or speak much of it, but as a child I was taken into a van by a man and then to his home and brutally violated. That and other events warped my mind on what love is and what authority is and as a result I've battled with rage and authority issues all of my life. When the man who led me to Christ showed me genuine Godly love my first thought was "What does this man want?" when in fact he had genuine godly love, but my mind thinks so differently and I've really always been ashamed of it so never ever spoke of it except once to my Pastor in passing, very briefly. But my wife has also shown me the same Godly love, praying for me and seeking God for me and fasting and loving me when I was most certainly unloveable. Not wanting to appear as though I blame my childhood events and because of huge shame, I never spoke of these things, but last night I did and confessed I don't want to think and feel as I do but I don't know how to break free. But God says, "Is THIS not the fast that I have chosen?" and His Word has promised to deliver so though my flesh is weak I know that if I begin to pray and fast and seek God's face with all of my heart that He can and will break these bondages and false patterns of thinking. Faith has come into my heart and hope is being restored again. My wife loves me and stands for our marriage and didn't reject me or think less of me when I bore my heart to her in shame last night. Theres so much farther to go, but I know that God is with us. Please keep us in your prayers still. I'm extremely weak and many times feel like a failure but know that I have to remove myself from thinking that God's Love is based on what I do rather than on what Christ did. Thank you all so much for these prayers and for your counsel.
| 2008/10/15 7:01||Profile|
Praise the Lord, brother! This is only the first step tho. You must continually guard against these things, and you do that by soaking yourself with the Word of God and prayer. And these are things you must begin to do with your wife [b]together[/b], as well as in your own prayer closet. You must be completely transparent with your wife as well.
As you begin to do this you will find the love between the two of you deepen... her trust in you will strengthen.
And I still recommend you seek the counsel of your pastor, or at least an older man in your church. If you're 20 seek out someone who is 40... if your 40 seek out someone who is 70. (Obviously make sure they have long lasting marriages)
| 2008/10/15 7:21|
Thank you all for your continuing prayers and counsel. .. Many things were shared and talked about that allowed a burden to be lifted. ..as a child I was taken... and brutally violated. That and other events warped my mind on what love is and what authority is and as a result I've battled with rage and authority issues... Please keep us in your prayers still. I'm extremely weak and many times feel like a failure but know that I have to remove myself from thinking that God's Love is based on what I do rather than on what Christ did. Thank you all so much for these prayers and for your counsel.
Sorry, for editing your post, but by doing so you will find that many people share in your experiences. Not only that, you will realize that once you face those horrible acts and continually be honest with God, He will bring people into your life which you will eventually be able to give advice and wise counsel. As Poonen often says about Jesus' death on the cross is true. The worst event in history by man, God turned into the greatest event for mankind, so what more is he able to do for us and our seemingly inescapable sorrows and misery.
In the meantime, still seek counsel.
| 2008/10/26 4:42|