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Discussion Forum : Devotional Thoughts : Revival In the Home: Loving Your Children

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 Revival In the Home: Loving Your Children

I'm going to be posting different articles and things that have blessed me on raising children on this thread. Nothing could be more important than raising our children. Feel free to comment or post whatever the Lord leads you to.

Loving Your Child
by Charles F. Stanley

As parents, we want our children to love us, spend time with us, take vacations with us, talk to us, listen to us, and be involved in our lives for as long as we live. More importantly, we would like them to want to do those things. But if we don’t love them unconditionally now, they won’t be around in the future—they will have abandoned our families.

In his excellent book How to Really Love Your Child, Ross Campbell gives a definition of unconditional love that bears repeating:

What is unconditional love? Unconditional love is loving a child no matter what. No matter what the child looks like. No matter what his assets liabilities, handicaps. No matter what we expect him to be and most difficult, no matter how he acts. This does not mean, of course, that we always like his behavior. Unconditional love means we love the child even at times we may detest his behavior. (How to Really Love Your Child [New York: New American Library, 1982], p. 30)

“But,” you say, “am I not responsible to help them develop to the fullest of their potential? Are there not times when I need to push a little?”

Absolutely! In fact, motivating your children to excellence and improvement is in itself a part of expressing unconditional love and acceptance to them. To allow children simply to get by in life is a form of rejection.

If you are to motivate your children to excellence without expressing an attitude of conditional acceptance, two things must be true. First, all your prodding and motivating must be preceded by demonstrations of your unconditional love for your children. There must be memorials, so to speak, to their worthiness in your eyes. By memorials I mean events or conversations that have clearly expressed your love.

Memorials such as these are beneficial because they give your children something to recall for reassurance when you apply properly motivated pressure to perform. Sometimes you will expect too much from your children, and they will fail. These reminders of your unconditional acceptance make it easier for them to face you when the bottom drops out.

Memorials can also take the form of a gift or even the bestowal of certain privileges. In presenting the gift, stress several times that it is not connected with any particular occasion or activity on their part; you are just giving it just because you love them.

Second, to properly motivate your child, you must measure them by their own ability not somebody else’s. Comparing one child’s performance to that of another child eventually destroys the child’s self-esteem, along with self-esteem go expressions of individuality and creativity.

The real key here is to view each of your children as a unique individual. Each child is gifted in some particular area. Your goal as a parent is to recognize that area of strength and emphasize it as your child develops, for in these areas of strength lies your child’s greatest potential for excellence. By cultivating these areas, you will do great things for child’s self-esteem as well.

One good way to find out whether or not your children feel unconditional acceptance is simply to ask them: What do you think it would take for you to make Mom and Dad as proud of you as we could possibly be?

Evaluate the answer carefully. Is it task oriented? Is it performance oriented? Do they feel they must do all their chores every day? Do they feel they must make straight A’s? Do they feel they must make a team or squad or perform some other public-oriented task?

Or is the answer more character oriented? Do they feel they would make you proud by simply doing the best they can at every task they undertake? Do they feel they would make you proud by obeying God, regardless of the cost? Do they feel they would make you proud by standing alone in a situation where they were asked to compromise?

The answer, if they are honest, will clue you in on what kind of value system they have picked up at home. The answer will give you insight into what you have communicated, regardless of what you may have been saying. It is this value system that will serve as a basis upon which they accept themselves and others.

Simply telling your children that you accept them unconditionally is not enough. If what you tell them is contradicted by how you treat them, you will not convince them of your unconditional acceptance, and you will cause confusion that could lead to more serious problems.

The apostle John knew the importance of demonstrating unconditional love. In his first epistle he wrote, “My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth” (1 John 3:18). That is my point exactly. Unconditional love and acceptance are communicated more clearly by what we do and how we do it than simply by what we say.

When I need assurance that God really does love me and accept me unconditionally, I don’t look for verses that say those words per se. My comfort comes from Christ’s work on the cross. His death for me leaves no room for doubt, for he has loved us “in deed and in truth.” In the same way, our children must have a backlog of memories to sustain their belief that we truly love and accept them unconditionally.

Unconditional love tells our children that they are loved for who they are, despite what they do. What security and acceptance this provides for them! Do you want to encourage your kids to succeed? You don’t need to push expectations on them. If we direct their focus to the Lord, then they will want to be obedient and do their best for Him. They will think, “Dad and Mom will be pleased with me, but I want to do my best for God.” If you are telling your kids that you love them no matter what, then you are expressing exactly what God communicates to us.

When I was growing up, I didn’t do so well in high school. Everything turned out okay, but I didn’t have a good start. So, I never told my kids that I expected them to make “As” or “Bs” or “Cs” while they were in school. I didn’t tell them they had to make the baseball team or be the most popular. The question was, “Did you do your best?” For our daughter, an A was her best in geometry; for our son, his best was a C. I highly recommend that parents adopt these two standards for raising their children because character development in clearly emphasized over performance. I always said to my kids, “I just want you to obey God and do your best, and even when you fail, I will still love you just as much, just the way you are.”

Never take for granted the impact that you have on their lives; remember, the way you act toward your kids today greatly influences the way they will respond to you tomorrow.

Adapted from “How to Keep Your Kids on Your Team,” by Charles F. Stanley. 1986. pp. 51-62.

 2008/4/14 15:38

 Re: Loving Your Children

These are some quotes from a series of Letters by:

The Rev. and President Charles G. Finney;

The Rev. and Reformer John Wesley;

The Rev. and President Asa Mahan;

The Rev. and President Jonathan Edwards;

The Rev. George Whitefield

[url=]The Right Way To Train Up A Child[/url]

Charles G. Finney:

"Avoid all conversation in their presence upon topics that may mislead them and generate in them a hypercritical and wicked spirit, such as all sectarian conversation, unguarded conversation upon the doctrine of decrees and election, speaking of neighbors' faults, or speaking derogatorily of any human being; in short whatever may be a stumbling block to their infant minds.

Avoid all disagreement between the parents in regard to the government of the children.

Avoid all partiality or favoritism in the government of them.

Avoid whatever may lessen the respect of the children for either parent.

Avoid whatever may lessen the authority of either parent. Avoid whatever may tend to create partiality for either parent.

Avoid begetting in them the love of money. Diligently remember that the love of money is the root of all evil.

Avoid the love of money yourself, for if you have a worldly spirit yourself, your whole life will most impressively inculcate the lesson that the world should be the great object of pursuit. A wealthy man once said to me, "I was brought up from my very infancy to love the world and make money my god." When we consider how impressively and constantly this lesson is taught by many parents, is it surprising that there is so much fraud, theft, robbery, piracy, and selfishness under every abominable form? Many parents seem to be engaged in little else, so far as their influence with their children is concerned, than making them as selfish and worldly as possible. Nearly their whole conversation at the table, and in all places where they are, the whole drift and bent of their lives, pursuits, and everything about them, are calculated to make the strongest impression upon their little minds, that their parents conceive the world to be the supreme good. Unless all this be avoided, it is impossible to train up a child in the way he should go.

Avoid begetting within them the spirit of ambition to be rich, great, learned, or anything else but good. If you foster a spirit of selfish ambition it will give birth, of course, to anger, pride, and a whole herd of devilish passions.

Avoid begetting or fostering the spirit of vanity in any way: in the purchase of clothing or any articles of apparel, in dressing them or by any expressions relating to their personal appearance. Be careful to say nothing about your own clothes, or the apparel of anybody else or of the personal attractions or beauty of yourself, your children, or of anybody else in such a way as to beget within them the spirit of ambition, pride and vanity.

Guard them against any injurious influence at home. Allow nobody to live in your family whose sentiments, habits, manners, or temper may corrupt your children. Guard the domestic influence as the apple of your eye. Have no person in your house that will tell them foolish stories, sing them foolish songs, talk to them about witches, or anything of any name or nature which ought not to come before their youthful minds.

Be careful under what influences you leave them when you go from home, and let not both parents take a journey at the same time, leaving their children at home, without apparent necessity.

Avoid every evil influence from outside the home. Let no children visit them whose conversation or manners may corrupt them. Let them associate with no children by going to visit where they will run the hazard of being in any way corrupted. Avoid the cultivation of artificial appetites. Accustom them to no non-nutritious stimulants or condiments of any kind, for in so doing you will create a craving for stimulants that may result in beastly intemperance.

Avoid creating any artificial needs. The great majority of human needs are merely artificial, and children are often so brought up as to feel as if they needed multitudes of things, which they do not need, and which are really injurious to them, and if they ever become poor, their artificial needs will render them extremely miserable, if indeed they do not tempt them. Consider how simple and few the real needs of human beings are, and whatever your worldly circumstances may be, for your children's sake, for truth's sake, for righteousness' sake, and for Christ's sake, habituate them to being satisfied with the supply of their real needs.

Avoid by all means their being the subjects of evil communications. "Evil communications corrupt good manners." This is the testimony of God. If your domestics, your hired hands, your neighbors' children or anybody else, are allowed to communicate to them things which they ought not to know, they will be irrecoverably injured and perhaps forever ruined.

Avoid their reading books that contain pernicious sentiments, anything indecent, vulgar, or of ill report.

Avoid their reading romances, plays, and whatever may beget within them a romantic and feverish state of mind.

Avoid allowing gluttony or any sort of intemperance, eating at improper times, improper foodstuffs, improper quantities of food, and everything that shall work a violation of the laws of life and health.

Avoid all unnecessary occasion of excitement. Children are naturally enough excited. Pains should be taken to quiet and keep them calm rather than to increase their excitement. This is imperiously demanded both by their health and minds. Clubs are often started among children, and great pains taken to stir up an interest and excitement, insomuch that it is often attended with a loss of appetite and sleep, and a serious injury to their health and morals. Parents should be on their guard, against allowing their children to be drawn into such excitement or having any unnecessary connection with or knowledge of them. *

This subject will be resumed.

Your brother in the bonds of the gospel,

Charles G. Finney

* Lest the reader get a wrong impression of Mr. Finney's advice we add the following lifetime observation of one of his first students and later 3rd President after him at Oberlin College:

"Perhaps the most characteristic feature of the inner man was the depth and intensity of his emotional nature. This gave energy and power to every movement and every expression; every thought radiated both heat and light, and the two were to him inseparable. To see and to feel a truth were to him one and the same thing; and his hearers were, to a great extent, impressed in the same way. His range of feeling was as broad and varied as his thought. He was not only stern and solemn as a prophet, from his sympathy with God and with all righteousness and holiness, but in turn as gentle and affectionate as a child, attracting children to himself as if he were one of them. In his own family and with his friends, his manner was characterized and tempered by a genial playfulness which set aside constraint, and made all feel at home in his presence."

President Finney—The Preacher, The Teacher, and The Man—Sermon by President Fairchild. In, Reminiscences of Rev. Charles G. Finney. Speeches and Sketches at the Gathering of his Friends and Pupils, in Oberlin, July 28th, 1876 (after his resent death)."

 2008/4/15 15:27

Joined: 2007/11/19
Posts: 159

 Re: and our children's children

In reading these wise words,I am able to identify the places I wish I had been given the advise earlier,that I might have actively watched over my own brood armed with this understanding.I am also inspired to give thanks to God for making certain I set the right example..because it is by His grace alone that I have been able to see where I have made a positive impact for the highest good.and through His mercy I am still able to continue guiding and apologizing when I see where I have contributed to their difficulty in making right choices.

As a grandmother I am encouraged to send these wise words to my son and daughter(in law) who have one toddler and one on the way.We discuss how the 'sins of the father'(and mother) affected my son,how living with his father's attitude about marraige and fatherhood has turned out to be a disadvantage..especially because he judged his dad,in his loyalty to he realizes that he must not only forgive his dad,,but ask God to forgive him for not honoring him..judging his father has caused him to be caught in the same mind out his own judgements..What a breakthrough for him! My hard won understanding came in handy..helping her to understand what was happening to their union,and how she could help turn it around...the way it was being torn apart in the very same way clued me in..I gladly shared the way I wish I'd known to respond..not react..Praise God that when we are able to learn from our mistakes and to love and accept people for who they are..where they are at..instead of insisting they be who we want them to be to make our lives more secure,or blessed..or godly..but love them,praise them lift them up and pray for the right attitude,the wisdom to rise above our fears..letting go and allowing God to move upon them..miracles happen!

Thank you Lord that we can love our children with the honest humility that Your wisdom provides,even when they are grown,so we can help undo the damage we have helped incur!We don't desire that our grandchildren have to suffer any more than what God deems necessary.

G.M. (Destiny) Sweet

 2008/4/16 22:56Profile


August 26, 1840

Dear Brethren and Sisters:

In pursuing this subject I will notice several other things to be avoided in the training of children.

Avoid everything that can be construed by them into insincerity on any subject, especially everything that may make the impression that your word is not to be depended upon.

Avoid every appearance of impatience or fretfulness in their presence.

Wholly abstain from scolding at them. If you have occasion to reprove them, let it be done with deliberation, and not in such haste and in such tones of voice as to have even the appearance of anger.

If you have occasion to punish them, first converse and pray with them, and avoid proceeding to severe measures until you have fully made the impres- sion upon their minds that it is your solemn and imperative duty to do so.

Avoid in your conversation whatever might have a tendency to beget in them the spirit of slander and evil speaking. Never let them hear you speak evil of any man. But always, in their presence, as on all other occasions, "be gentle, showing all meekness to all men."

Avoid as far as possible whatever may be a temptation to them to indulge evil tempers. "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger," is both the counsel and the command of God. If you find your children naturally irritable and easily made angry, be sure to keep this verse always in your mind, that you may readily and certainly practice it whenever there is occasion to do so. If, therefore, you find your children inclined to the exercise of any evil temper whatever, be sure, as far as possible, to avoid all occasions that may prove too great a trial for them, and cause them to fall into their besetting sin.

Avoid unnecessarily exciting their fears upon any subject. Allow no one to make them afraid of the dark, or of Indians, or of witches, or of wild animals. Children are often very seriously injured by creating a morbid excitability upon such subjects, insomuch that from that time on they are afraid to be alone in the dark. And their foolish fears are often excited even at an older age, in view of things with which they were foolishly persecuted in their youth.

Never give them anything because they cry for it. If they find that they can get anything by crying for it, or that they are any more apt to get it because they cry for it, you will find yourselves continually annoyed by their crying. Children should be taught that if they cry for a thing, for that very reason they cannot have it.

I will now proceed to mention several things to be attended to in the training of children. First, be honest, and thorough, and correct in forming your own views and opinions on all subjects. This is of great importance. For if your children find you often mistaken in your views upon some important subjects, your opinions will soon cease to have much weight with them. It is immensely important that you be well instructed, and know how to answer their questions, especially on all moral subjects. Your opinions ought to carry great weight with them. It is for their own good. Your opinions will naturally carry great weight with them unless they find you in error. Be careful, then, as you wish to preserve your own influence over them for their good, and as you would not want to mislead them to their ruin, to be thorough and diligent in the use of means to obtain correct information on all moral questions.

Let your own habits be both right and regular: your rising in the morning, your retiring at night, the hours at which you take your meals, together with all your domestic arrangements. Let order pervade everything, and be sure to have a time and a place for every work, and everything around you. Have a place for every tool, and let every member of your family be constrained to keep everything in its place. And if they have occasion to use any tool, they ought to be sure to return it to its place before they put it out of their hands. By insisting upon this, you will soon save yourself and them a great deal of unnecessary trouble.

Be sure that they are up early in the morning, and retire early at night. This is imperiously demanded by their health and almost universally by their morals. If children are allowed to be up late in the evening, they will not only lie in bed late in the morning, but almost always get into the habit of either making or receiving visits from neighboring children. This will bring in its train a host of evils.

See that your temper and spirit are right. "Let the peace of God that passeth all understanding dwell in your hearts, that you may possess your soul in patience." And never allow your angry feeling to come into collision with theirs.

Let the influence which you have over them be an ever present consideration with you. Do not forget it. Do not be unmindful of it, even for an hour or a moment. In whatever you say and do in their presence, have an eye to its influence upon them.

Your brother in the bonds of the gospel,

Charles G. Finney

 2008/4/17 6:29



destinysweet wrote:
In reading these wise words,I am able to identify the places I wish I had been given the advise earlier,that I might have actively watched over my own brood armed with this understanding.I am also inspired to give thanks to God for making certain I set the right example..because it is by His grace alone that I have been able to see where I have made a positive impact for the highest good.and through His mercy I am still able to continue guiding and apologizing when I see where I have contributed to their difficulty in making right choices.

I think most any parent can read this and see areas where they have made mistakes. I hope others do not read this and think "legalism" or "judgement" on their parenting skills but some good guidelines that we can follow coupled with grace.

 2008/4/17 6:38


I found this devotional called [url=]"Our 24 Family Ways: Family Devotional Guide."[/url] It's been recommended by alot of homeschoolers. If anyone has any more suggestions on devotions or how you have family devotions that you would like to share I would love to hear them.

"Had we continued perfect as God created the first man, perhaps the perfection of our nature had been a sufficient self-instructor for every one. But as sickness and diseases have created the necessity of medicines and physicians, so the disorders of our rational nature have introduced the necessity of education and tutors...."

~ John Wesley

 2008/4/18 19:21

Joined: 2006/6/28
Posts: 3405
Dallas, Texas

 Re: Matthew Henry on Family Devotions

Hi Psalm 18,

Concerning family devotions, dear sister, here is a choice little excerpt from a Matthew Henry sermon "On Family Religion" published in 1704. It is wonderfully pure and good:

"Masters of families, who preside in the other affairs of the house, must go before their households in the things of God. They must be as prophets, priests, and kings in their own families; and as such they must keep up family-doctrine, family-worship, and family-discipline: then is there a church in the house, and this is the family religion I am persuading you to.

First, Keep up family doctrine. It is not enough that you and yours are baptized into the Christian faith, and profess to own the truth as it is in Jesus, but care must be taken, and means used that you and yours be well acquainted with that truth, and that you grow in the acquaintance, to the honor of Christ and his holy religion, and the improvement of your own minds, and theirs that are under your charge. You must deal with your families as men of knowledge, 1 Pet. iii.7. that is, as men that desire to grow in knowledge yourselves, and to communicate your knowledge for the benefit of others, which are the two good properties of those that deserve to be called men of knowledge.

That you may keep up family-doctrine, you must read the scriptures to your families, in a solemn manner, requiring their attendance on your reading, and their attention to it: and inquiring sometimes whether they understand what you read? I hope that there are none of you without Bibles in your houses... But what will it avail you to have Bibles in your houses, if you do not use them? to have the great things of God's law and gospel written to you, if you count them a strange thing? You look daily into your shop-books, and perhaps converse much with the news-books, and shall your Bibles be thrown by as an almanac out of date? It is not now penal to read the scriptures in your families as it was in the dawning day of the reformation from popery, when there were those that were accused and prosecuted for reading in a certain heretical book called an English Bible... You have great encouragements to read the scripture; for notwithstanding the malicious endeavors of atheists to vilify the sacred things, the knowledge of the scriptures is still in reputation with all wise and good men. You have a variety of excellent helps to understand the scripture, and to improve your reading of it; so that if you or yours perish for lack of this knowledge, as you certainly will if you persist in the neglect of it, you may thank yourselves, the guilt will lie entirely at your own doors.

Let me therefore with all earnestness press it upon you to make the solemn reading of the scripture a part of your daily worship in your families. When you speak to God by prayer, be willing to hear him speak to you in his word, that there may be a complete communion between you and God. This will add much to the solemnity of your family-worship, and will make the transaction the more awful and serious, if it be done in a right manner -- which will conduce much to the honor of God and your own and your families' edification. It will help to make the word of God familiar to yourselves, and your children and servants, that you may be ready and mighty in the scriptures, and may from thence be thoroughly furnished for every good word and work. It will likewise furnish you with matter and words for prayer, and so be helpful to you in other parts of the service. If some parts of scripture seem less edifying, let those be most frequently read that are most so. David's psalms of daily use in devotion, and Solomon's proverbs in conversation; it will be greatly to your advantage to be well versed in them... When you only hear your children read the Bible, they are tempted to look upon it as not more but a school book; but when they hear you read it to them in a solemn, religious manner, it comes as it ought, with more authority. Those masters of families who make conscience of doing this daily, morning and evening, reckoning it part of that which the duty of every day requires, -- I am sure they have comfort and satisfaction in so doing, and find it contributes much to their own improvement in Christian knowledge, and the edification of those that dwell under their shadow; and the more, if those that are ministers expound themselves, and other masters of families read some plain and profitable exposition of what is read, or of some part of it."

- Matthew Henry

Paul Frederick West

 2008/4/18 19:35Profile


....David's psalms of daily use in devotion, and Solomon's proverbs in conversation; it will be greatly to your advantage to be well versed in them... When you only hear your children read the Bible, they are tempted to look upon it as not more but a school book; but when they hear you read it to them in a solemn, religious manner, it comes as it ought, with more authority....

Thanks Paul, Psalms and Proverbs have always been on my heart when teaching my children.

 2008/4/18 19:48


On Family Devotions:

Family Altar

Establish a family altar. Build it out of unmovable rocks of resolution. Your time of family devotions should (almost) be non-negotiable. It should be priority for your whole family. Don’t be legalistic about it, but as much as you possibly can, put all other things aside before you postpone or cancel family devotions.

It will be an altar of sacrifice. You will sacrifice your time, sometimes your dignity, and your energy. For years, our kids heard, “Six o’clock…reading time.” That meant that Sue and I dropped anything we were doing, the kids did the same, and we gathered together as a family. You will find that there are many excuses for not having devotions. You may feel pressed for time, tired, or you will want to catch up on the news of the world, or perhaps you will think that you don’t have the ability to teach the Bible. There is, however, one very powerful reason why you should have daily devotions…the eternal salvation of your children.

Here now are some practical points to consider for establishing your altar:

1. Open in prayer. If you are a male, take the lead. If you are a single parent, step into the role of a confident leader. If you are not used to praying out loud, have everyone close their eyes while you pray so that they won’t see you. Begin by thanking God for your family and then simply ask Him to open His Word to each of you. As time goes by, ask one of the children to open in prayer, to build up their confidence when it comes to public prayer. It is wise to keep public prayer reasonably short.

2. Open the Bible. Don’t worry about your lack of “teaching” ability. Simply read five verses from one of the Gospels. Then have each of the family members read five verses, stopping now and then and asking what they think a particular verse means. Go through the verses beforehand and prepare some questions. Be ready for (and don’t be discouraged by) a regular “I dunno.” Tell them what you think the verse means, and carry on with the reading. Follow any cross-references.

3. Open the hearts of your children. Deliberately draw your kids out of themselves. Talk around the world. It doesn’t matter if the subject doesn’t relate directly to the reading. Let the conversation swing to what they have done that day. Let them express their desires and thoughts. Communicate with them. Show interest in their interests. This can be a time for building relationships. If you want to make life long friends of your children, start while they are young. Don’t wait until they are teenagers to do this. It may be too late.

4. Forget your inhibitions. Don’t worry about your dignity. Play act with your kids when they are small. Be Goliath, and let each of them have a turn at being David. Have them throw a cushion or something at you, and fall down when you get hit. Act out Daniel in the lion’s den. Be a lion. Roar. Play out a Bible story with them whenever you can. It will help them retain the principles behind the story. If I remember rightly, when kids hear something, they retain 30% of what’s heard. If they hear and see something, they retain 70%. But if they actually experience something (see, hear and participate in), they retain 90% (I can’t remember the exact statistics, because I only heard them). Use the time when they are young and impressionable to impress upon them biblical truths. I was deeply into play-acting until one memorable day. I was rolling around on the floor doing something incredibly funny, when I looked up and saw that none of my children were even cracking a smile. It was then that I realized that they were no longer impressed.

5. Don’t make the devotional time too long. Keep it to 10-15, perhaps 20 minutes. Have them repeat a memory verse (from the reading) together six times. Do the same verse each night during the week. If they remember it at the end of the week, give them some sort of reward (we often gave our kids a candy bar). The reward is important. We all need an incentive and a candy bar is a good incentive. Perhaps you could have them write verses they remember in a book, and review it regularly.

6. If you want to keep the attention of your children, thoroughly flavor the reading with anecdotes. An anecdote is a short story that illustrates something special. Jesus used them all the time (parables). They will make your teaching palatable. Make them short, and preferably humorous. We have plenty of these in, The Evidence Bible (Bridge-Logos Publishers).

7. Close the reading in prayer, asking God to help you and your family to remember the lessons they have learned.

~Ray Comfort

 2008/4/20 19:11


If you are not used to praying out loud, have everyone close their eyes while you pray so that they won’t see you.

That parts funny! :-) It's nice though to get a different slant on how others do devotions.

 2008/4/20 21:18

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