David ,,,some thoughts on your desire to find the Lord.....Remember the parable of the talents....the 5 talent guy got five more, etc. Once the Lord spoke to me as i was reading this, and he said; "It's all about mercy." After some time, I have came to this about that, "You only get to keep what you give away." That's the kingdom. Only those who invested their mercy; showed their love to others, received any,,,,and the one's who didn't, had theirs taken away, even that they possessed.
God is jealous over your love for him. You have invested your trust and worship in Him, in a way, that He desires more, and will increase His rewards to you, in lieu if your investment in Him.
One of the most important things to remember, is that when on of God's trees bears fruit, he always PRUNES IT, so that it will increase,,,mature,,, bear more fruit unto Him. This pruning is always a process of death and resurrection...It is discipline on a higher level...not the discipline of bible reading , prayer and fasting, but the discipline of DYING, OF BEING SLAIN,OF BEING PUT TO DEATH BY YOUR OWN FATHER!
Every Christian that goes on to know Him, must endure this often bewildering process, of being slain by the lord. 2 Corinthians, chapter 1.....Indeed we had the sentence of death within ourselves,, SO THAT, we would not trust in ourselves, but in God, WHO RAISES THE DEAD....
Even in all of our bible knowledge, and Christian works, there is no real ministry except that which is resurrection ministry. Paul said later on,, "So death works in me, but life in you." There is no ministry that will defy this principle. We must bear our cross too, unto dying , and not loving our lives, unto death. This is really the only way we grow and mature.
This is always intensely personal, as the Lord Himself leads tenderly each daughter or son Himself through the valley of death. It can be bewildering. "Oh Father, Oh Father,,, Why have You forsaken me?"... We all die alone, really. We may or may not have loved ones near us then, but we die alone,,,as we are resurrected alone. This is the nature of faith. We will stand before the Lord alone, not with our church, Pastor, or Spouse...but alone....and this is where the worthy ones, in His eyes are created.
... "AND THEY LOVED NOT THEIR LIVES UNTO DEATH." This is necessary to win, to endure discipline, even being crucified, and that not because of sin, but that Satan's nature in us would be annihilated. We are the Flesh.
This is not a one time process, as some believe, but continues, at His choosing, until we leave this tent for good. Paul got into becoming mature so much, that he could write, "I rejoice in my afflictions, for when I am weak, then I am strong, for the power of Christ rests upon me"
A wise man will embrace discipline, for he who loves discipline loves life.
On a personal note: I constantly see myself as a failure, as an unprofitable servant. I daily want to return to my first love, and beyond, where I can enter into the Throne room, and never leave. If God granted that to me, without a living expression of myself made aware of my own corruption, and His awesome sacrifice, I would be destroyed by my own magnificence and power, as Satan was. Job didn't get it until he was exposed to his self righteousness, and he repented. Paul cried; "Oh wretched man that I am!"...John fell at His feet as dead.
We have joy, and tables in the wilderness, yet in His time, we also must be set in the heaven lies by Him, and we cannot endure there unless we're resurrected.
There will be a spotless and pure bride..We will all go in together...How? " He will purify the son's of Levi ,as gold and silver." Those who endure will be saved, those who don't endure are bastards. I'm afraid of Him, and want to be in the number of the over comers, and want to learn how to love, whatever it costs me. "Exhort one another while it is yet today, lest any of your hearts be deceived by the deceitfulness of sin"
I am grateful for your heart desiring transparency with God. It is refreshing to sense your true devotion to our Father. Please , never let a man steal your glory, this relationship you have, as a feather in his cap to reflect the status of his own ministry. God is Jealous for you and you alone. brothertom
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