Jeannette,

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

Bless you my sister.

_________________
Doug Fussell

Brethren,

I desperately need someone, anyone, to care enough to intercede on my behalf. I have backed myself into a corner. Several weeks ago I was very concerned about my new career in real estate. I made mention of this in my previous posts. I cannot say that going this direction was the Lord’s leading. I went this way because I wanted to force myself into a position requiring utter dependence on Him. I have been licensed since August and have had three people from church express a need for my services.

The first must sell their home out of state first, I am still waiting on that. The second was going to sell her home, but the process of getting it ready for market caused her to re-evaluate her life. Ultimately she kicked her alcoholic husband out of the house and decided to wait to sell until these relational issues were resolved. The third is a couple with five kids. We spent two months going through the process of finding the right home. When we did find that house it was such an answer to prayer. The closing was set for mid march. Last week the husband lost his job. No loan, no sale.

During all this I have been seeking the Lord to understand how to proceed. Am I even supposed to be in real estate. If so, how? Do I need to just buck up and prospect all day looking for business? I can’t say that I was getting any answers. I finally decided that what I needed to do was join one of these high powered sales programs. I had some uncertainty about this so I put a fleece before the Lord. When it didn’t come to pass I went ahead and joined up. For reasons that I still don’t understand I kept this all to myself, without telling my wife what I was doing. I told her about it after the first session and after it was too late to get a refund. The cost involved is $795. You can imagine her reaction.

After the second session (held Mondays) I was supposed to make fifty cold calls and ask if they wanted to sell their home. I was also supposed to add fifty names to my “sphere of influence” database. I didn’t make the connection that these fifty were one and the same. Tuesday morning I decided to try and call area pastors to introduce myself in the hopes of getting a referral from them. I made a few calls and became discouraged. This lead to the events detailed in my last post.

As a result of this sudden infusion of faith I truly felt like I was supposed to stop prospecting almost entirely and focus my time and attention on prayer, studying the word and writing. This meant leaving this sales program even though the $795 is not refundable. What’s that to the Lord? Nothing! I really felt confident taking this path.

Yesterday I didn’t go to the class. Yesterday my faith was assaulted. I knew my wife wasn’t going to be happy with my decision. As I waded through the day I began to become more and more depressed at the prospect of facing her. By the time I got home I felt like an absolute failure as a man and husband. It is after all, as the man of the house, my responsibility to provide; and here I am doing nothing to support us.

When I arrived home I told her these things and that I thought she would be better off without me. When I told her my decision to abandon the sales training to “trust God”, she snapped. She told me that she can’t take this anymore and has asked me to leave until I can get my head on straight and start earning a living. I have until this weekend to make arrangements.

It is the oddest thing, but as I write this I am feeling His peace. Still, I am struggling to understand what He is doing and what I need to do. In some ways I feel as if I might be guilty of justifying not working and using spiritual means as an excuse. I feel like perhaps I am simply being lazy. I do truly believe that God has placed in my heart a needed gift that needs to be brought into reality. These things lie in two areas and are closely linked, although the connection is not readily apparent. One is exposing the schemes and methods of our adversary, the other is reaching out to the emotionally crippled in order to strengthen their relationship with the Lord and thereby helping they themselves to exercise their gifts in the church.
As I close this I plead with you to intercede, not only for me to understand how to proceed, not only that somehow my marriage would be saved, but more than anything that my wife’s faith would be restored.

I have made a huge mess of this. I am more than a little broken up over my own stupidity, lack of faith, and especially my lack of integrity in communication with my wife. Had I told her of this program to begin with she may have knocked some sense into me from the get go.

In Christ
Doug

P.S. Following I have included some relevant excerpts from previous posts in case your interested in some background to all. I have also included a link to my real estate website. Sometimes putting a face to all this can help.

http://dougfussell.cbshome.com/AgentHome/Homepage.aspx

One year later, May 21st 1988, I was married to the girl of my dreams. There is nothing I am more certain of in my life (aside from God) than the knowledge that this woman was hand picked by His loving hand. To this day we are still deeply in love with each other. I am so thankful for this.



My entire Christian walk up to maybe eight months ago has been one best described as a roller coaster ride. My flesh is so weak, and I have never been able to fully lay hold of the truth that I am crucified with Christ. I understand the concept, but could not walk in its truth. As a result I would put forth a great deal of effort to seek the Lord with my whole heart. I would find myself climbing to great emotional heights through worship and prayer. Inevitably my besetting sin would trip me up and I would fall flat on my face. This would be followed by weeks of despair and deep pit level depression. Eventually I would realize how foolish this was, that God loved me etc. I would speak the truth to my soul and return to seeking His face. Eventually climbing to new heights in the Lord. Thus began the cycle all over again. Each time I would tell myself that this time was different. My wife got to the point that she would just roll her eyes and say “yeah sure.”

When this pattern began to show up once again at Calvary Chapel, I despaired of ever having the victory. For the first time in my Christian life I abandoned the church altogether. During the ensuing months my work situation went from bad to worse to downright intolerable. I began to hesitantly cry out to God for mercy.

Slowly I began to hear from Him. I came to realize that change required taking some type of action on my part. I was frustrated with my career as a truck driver. While I was home every night, I was working 55-60 hours a week, which left me no time or energy for fellowship (should I seek it) or much of anything else for that matter. After some soul searching I decided to take the steps necessary to become a real estate agent. This, I felt would give me the scheduling freedom to be at church Wednesday evenings as well as Sundays. It also gave me the freedom to be available for other forms of fellowship and service. One thing I knew, I had no hope of success without the Lord’s blessing.

I returned to church, alone, in June of ‘06. My wife has become so distrustful of my walk that she refuses to go lest I backslide once again. Our hearts are so linked that every struggle of mine has had a great impact on her own walk with the Lord. She is unwilling to put her heart at risk only to be devastated once again. Since that time my walk with the Lord has been growing in consistency. I still struggle with the flesh to some degree, but I am unwilling to let go of the hope that a victorious life is possible and that I will soon know that sanctifying work that will bring it to pass.




Today dawned like it always does. At 7:45am I realized I had 1/2 an hour before I needed to start getting ready if I wanted to get to my office by 9:00. I heard the Lord ask for that 1/2 hour.

At the end my heart was flooded with such joy as I can't begin to describe. I felt like I had come upon a garden setting with the perfect temp, the perfect sunlight, the perfect everything. I was basking in His presence. Somewhere in all of this my heart had yielded. That which I could not accomplish no matter how hard I tried, God had done at long last.


Edits were added space for ease of reading

_________________
Doug Fussell