Dorcas,

[color=000099]I think the big temptation is to hope for a finishing line, which after it is crossed, will spell the end of the struggle.[/color]

This is oh so true. How often I have thought, if I could just...then I would be OK. I have this mental picture of who I want to be (or think I should be) in Christ and tend to berate myself for falling short of this ideal. If I could just be that person...

My tenacious pride causes me to think that with just a little more effort on my part this time around I might actually get there. How foolish. I don't quite comprehend why I have clung to this notion for so long when I know better.

[color=000099]It seems to me that in Jewish culture, there was a line between being a child and a man[/color]

In many ways I feel as though I did not cross that line. I still catch myself stomping my feet like a little boy and angrily crying "that's not fair." Ugh, such confessions hurt to admit. God grant me repentance from such whining.

[color=000099]'It suspends a person in adolescence.'[/color]

This is all too true. The friend I mentioned above has been smoking it his whole life, and at forty years old still has the thought processes of a teenager to some degree. I hate to think of how my growth may have been different had I never touched it myself. At least I know I am forgiven.

[color=000099]Also, I took the advice of Oswald Chambers not to worry about what others might think of my outward appearance - of how far it might fall short of their expectation of Christian behaviour. He said to concentrate on one's inner consistency of relationship with God. I really commend this thought to you.[/color]

Thank you, this really must be my focus. I must also toss aside my own expectations. In many ways I have begun to settle this matter in my heart. I still must do battle with it, but I recognize the pattern sooner and get back on course, that is to say I let go and rest in His grace.

[color=000099]I really hope none of this sounds patronising[/color]

On the contrary, you have been nothing less than a blessing in all you've said.

[color=000099]I found it very challenging, and it brought me to tears.[/color]

I am moved and very thankful that my tale has somehow ministered to others. This is truly humbling.

In His Love,

Doug

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Doug Fussell

Jeanette, can so much appreciate and relate to what you shared here...


"The Lord has basically exposed the root motive for joining this and other discussion forums. Pride, yes, but also, it seems, a need to "make my mark" in some way. Especially, on a forum such as this, to demonstrate my knowledge, wisdom and maturity in the Lord. To gain respect of others, to be listened to instead of being ignored."


Had a similar experience right around the time I joined the forums, one year ago today, if I'm not mistaken. Here's a sort of record of it that I posted here on the forums


[url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=9686&forum=35&4]Covetousness(My Own)[/url]

During this time as I was seeking to share the Gospel as much as possible I was also noticing all sorts of rotten motives surfacing. Still do. At the same time have been dealing with a mysterious pain and in and through it all am believing that this is God's way of dealing with all of this in me.

At the same time, I feel like God is taking me to depths I've never even thought of. I want to be real sister. If there is one thing I believe our God hates it is hypocrisy. I want to be real, through and through and through. At the same time I can still see in myself so much that is false false false! It stinks.



I feel like God has given me some deep deep things and yet I lack the substance of those very things?! It's like being able to paint an ocean but never being able to sink into its depths.

Something which a brother gave me right as I was entering all this was a verse from Job:


[i] But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.[/i]

Amen.

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Christopher Joel Dandrow

Dear Doug,

I must say this is probably the most incredible thread I have read so far. The honesty exhibited by precious members breaks my heart. Your testimony and LittleGift's, oh my. These are both things to spend much time and prayer applying to my own life.

I have been saved for since 1976 and for all that time I felt I followed hard after the Lord. I'm sure that was part of my difficulty, "I" followed hard after the Lord. I had a few issues along the way, but I wasn't like most guys, at least not in my own brain.

Well last year I went through a period where the "tiny" sins that I did and repented of took a strong grip upon my life. I blatantly did these things, although nobody around me would have known it, except my attitude began to stink at times. But what happened is I lost that tangible awareness of His presence. One day I realized just how far I had slipped and it had taken me unawares. I began to seek God again and couldn't find Him. I wept and thought of my self as Esau who had sold his birthright for a plate of stew. I had the verse come before me about it being almost impossible for those who had tasted the good things of God to be restored if the trample under foot the blood of Christ. I experienced the dark night of the soul and feared there was no remedy for me.

I begged and cried, repented and repented some more and began to saturated myself in His word and worship and little by little He began to reveal to my heart the "small" places of rebellion I had succumbed to all along in my Christian walk. They seemed very small at first and even at times seem justified because of circumstances in my life. I saw that that thread was woven into everything. There were several areas and I'll tell you one. I would spend money here and there and not share that with my spouse, I could hide it ways, not big money, never big money. However it's the little foxes that spoil the vine. There were other areas as well more personal that I won't go into specifically. Just know that I came to realize that it all came to a head because of little rebellions along the long way of my walk.

I feel part of the problem was because the road had been so long and difficult and I grew weary of the journey and so I just gave into my sinful ways more fully.

I am happy to say that in my despair I came to the place where I knew that even though I had walked a long time and did adhere to God's ways more than many, it wasn't good enough. I could never be good enough in myself. I acknowledged I was destitute of any ability to help myself and with the acknowledging I was set free.

My joy and wareness of God has returned. I find myself all by myself smiling and rejoicing over the littlest things. Truly He gives us beauty for ashes and the oil joy for morning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

I have also learned that little sins or compromises are rebellion and with God nothing is little. It is just too bad that it took over thirty years to learn. But then the steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord and maybe I couldn't have learned it until now.

Know this Bro. Doug, He who began a good work in you will complete it. Rejoice that He has given you a woman who loves you. Know that He will bring it all together for His purpose and plan in His perfect timing.

I will pray for you and your wife. Again thanks to you and to the others who shared so honestly, especially LittleGift. It has given me the boldness to confess my sins to you that I might be healed.

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KLC

Dear Saints,

I must skip the personal replies to all this for the moment. I have been shown a deep root to my difficulties with my walk and wanted to share it as it seems many of us are going through similar dealings.

I am angry with the Lord! This morning I had to forgive Him. This is a very strange concept, as forgiveness is what we must do when we are sinned against, and God cannot sin. However, forgiveness is more a matter of our perception of anothers actions toward us. It is the method we must use to remove bitterness. Forgive us our debts as we forgive those who are indebted to us. This connotes a sense of "them" owing us retribution.

I come from a highly succesful family. Mom and Dad have masters degrees, sister has BA plus some secondary degree in Christian ed. Step sisters (3) all college grads, most of them (incl blood relatives) had near 4.0 gpas throughout school. I was blessed with the same dna that enabled these marks. My IQ is in the 135-140 range. Oh how great in the kingdom of God I should be! This is the pathetic pride of my turmoiled soul at work.

The reality is that I tested out of H.S. I was a fast food specialist, stoner, truck driver etc. All things that fall way short of my high and mighty potential. Why won't you raise me up into leadership O God? I have such great and marvelous insights into the kingdom! Do you not see how valuable I would be to the body? This reasoning in my subconcious pride produced a deep bitterness in me against God. It is to erradicate this bitterness that I must therefore forgive Him. Not due His sin (I tremble to even put those words together) but for my own sin in this anger, bitterness and rebellion.

God have mercy on me. Break me of this horrid, wretched pride. Grant that I would have the humility of genuine thanksgiving, for You have never let go of my hand in spite of the depths of my sin against You. Truly Your grace is amazing.

I humbly offer these thoughts to you all, pray for me please. This is very difficult to admit to myself. Yet I feel hope stirring in my heart as a result of baring this wretchedness to you all, my faithful and beautiful brethren.

In His Love and by His Grace,

Doug

Ugh, this is ugliness of the worst kind. No wonder I have needed to be broken.

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Doug Fussell

Praise God Doug for your honesty,

It's the blood of Jesus that can break this prideful heart. That's been the only hope of mine as the Holy Spirit has shown me the depths of pride in my own heart. The devil will tempt you to run for a fig leaf of some sort and hide in despair, discouragement and unbelief.

Trust in Jesus Doug, He will purge this pride from your heart. He is faithful to do it. Praise God he has given you eyes to see. Do you know what a blessing that is my brother?

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Ed Pugh

Slavyan said: