One night i was just desiring God fully, and had the 'gift of healing' on my heart (during that time, every once in a while id pray for it for 6 months). And i started praying really hard, fast, tounges, just flowed with God. and i looked up at my bible (i was reading on fasting (Is. 58) earlier) and i read this.
Is. 57:18-19
18 "I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will lead him and restore comfort to him and to his mourners,
19 Creating the praise of the lips
Peace, peace to him who is far and to him who is near,"
Says the LORD, "and I will heal him."

Now, i read 19 first, and re read it again. The Lord spoke to me 'Ive given you the gift of healing'. But, im not boasting about this, but stating something else.

Look back at vs. 18 "I will lead him and restore comfort to him and to his mourners, " Ever since that day. Hearing stories, looking at disabled people, just seeing some people, i wanted to burst out into tears. Maybe the 2 come together, i haven't figured it out yet. But i mourn for people who are hurting in the inside more than anything.

After reading this, i felt a little 'hurt' inside. And my heart goes out to you, and i hope that the Lord's Love will fill each and everyone of you.

***A side note** Thanks for doing that, i kinda thought it was a sin, but hearing some scripture that helped me understand this a little more.

Yeshua,

Thank you for your post. It makes much sense to me and helpful to hear the scripture expounded by one who has been spoken to by God through it.

Have you read C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed? It's a very personal writing -- like a journal of his thoughts, because of how personal it is -- and written after his wife, Joy, died. Though it's written around his grief for his wife, it's proved really helpful for people grieving the loss of family members, too. Lewis just lays things out in a way that hits home, and helps you work through your grief.

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Mary M.

Free, you have got a lot of very good responses on this thread. Now, I would like to share my own testimony.

Ten years ago the Holy Spirit led me to study the book of Job. Up to this point I disliked the book because I beieved those guys speeches were so redundant, always going in circles. I want people to say what they think and then shut up! Anyhow, this time the book made a lot of sense and I absorbed the concepts although I did not wade through the entire book. But studying it prepared me what was to come a few months later.

Shortly thereafter, our daughter was diagnosed with glioblastoma - brain tumor, the worst kind - and succumbed over as year later. Now, how did I cope having our only daughter die? I loved her dearly and now even as I type, I battle tears. She was married with two small children.

When I was told she was terminally ill, I cried hard for two days. I could not cope and knew if I were to survive, I had to have it out with God. So one evening after putting my granddaughter to bed, I spent a lot of time ALONE with God and His Word. The Bible tells us if we have the faith as small as a mustard seed, he will grant our request. I told the LORD I did not even have that much faith. In any case after talking to the LORD a while I felt at peace knowing his will will be done and whatever happens He will be there. And he was. Now this is another story...:-)

How do I cope now? I know she is with the LORD and I would not want her back. (Knowing this I can not understand why anyone would want to have their loved one resurrected to live in this world!). I look forward to dying, being with my loved ones and above all to see the One who died to redeem us. The bottom line is that God has comforted me. I have made peace with tears. I am not ashamed of them. Sometimes I will tear up and other times I won't. Simple as that! I am very comfortable around those that cry their hearts out...and I may even join them in their cry.

Perhaps you would like to share with us why you find your mother's death so difficult to handle? We will listen....

ginnyrose

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Sandra Miller

Dear Ginnyrose,
Thank you for the words of comfort and your boldness to tell us all of your own personal grief and loss. My tears flow for you and I can only imagine the confusion at the time. Thank God for your faith which saw you through this dark period and obviously has made you a much stronger person. I remember watching on TV an interview of someone whose young daughter died in the Kobe earthquake. She was there to preach the gospel!!! The parent said "God loves her more than I do". I never forgot that.

I know it is difficult for people to understand why I have taken so long (11 years) and grieved so very very hard for the death of my mother who after all was 69. I think I now know why. It was the way she died. I have never talked about this to anyone and even among my family members we have not discussed this. It is just to wrenching.

Since you ask, I will tell you. Im sorry that this may be offensive to hear. And graffic. My mother had metasticised cancer and for weeks before her death she could not empty her bowels. At the moment of her death, everything that was inside her spilled out through her mouth. It spilled out with such a force that it was poured over all of us watching her, on to the walls, bed, floor, everywhere. It was like a horror of horror movie, except it touches our every sense.

I kept this inside of me and this image never went away. It haunted both my waking and my sleeping hours. I told no one, not a friend, not my own family who were not at the deathbed. This is not an easy story to listen to. Some people might actually feel "defiled". After 11 years, I finally told my son and daughter.

I now understand that whatever you suppress, you give it power. My son sent me a radio program about people with prolonged grieving. The advice is to find a therapist and tell the story. Record that and play it over and over again to desensitise yourself. I dont have the courage to do that. But that Im typing this, is already a step forward. It was so all consuming I couldnt even go into the details with God. Who knows, if it was not Him, showing me this website that I might find healing.

Thank you for listening. My prayers are for you this morning as you took the time to share your story and to wonder about mine.

Free,

I am so sorry you had such a dreadful experience. That would be awful! But you can rest assured that your mother was not aware of this happening since you said it happened after she died. I am also told when a body expires, muscles relax and body wastes leave the body. Gross, yes, but God made it this way and why, I do not know.

It appears to me you are still grossed out by what happened to your mother, right? I do not know what to say other then to unload your feelings to God about this matter. He is a great healer..and comforter. If it means crying and getting grossed out all over again, so be it. God knows you better then you do and does care intently about you! :-) Perhaps He allowed this so He can demonstrate his power to you? Just wondering...

If you feel like sharing more, go ahead...we will listen.

God bless you,
ginnyrose

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Sandra Miller

Phil wrote

"I think true grief lasts forever but we are not to be brought under the power of it."

I understand that very well. In fact, I understand also that it is not "doable" on our own.

I am a very determined person and generally speaking a rather proactive type. But I come to understand during the years how crushing in a certain way, the above statement by Phil can also be. And I mean it in a good sense.

I used to think that if I have got Jesus on my side I can fight any Goliath. That was before I came face to face with a Goliath too big for me. Now, I am just watching Jesus, my David, do battle for me. I also know that Jesus is not on my side. I have to be on His side. My struggle is to be that bystander.

Today at prayers I thought of a picture. Sometimes this happens and I sketch it in my journal. I was infront of a closed door and I knew it wasnt a door I should open but just to pray for whatever is happening behind it. I believe thats an allergory of my Christian walk. That there are doors behind which are mysteries too complex for my simple mind to comprend. And unless Jesus opens them, they shouldnt be openned at all. Did not Jesus say - What I am doing now, you do not understand, but you will....(sorry Im only good at paraphrasing).

Suffering is one of the many inevitables in the human condition. The Buddha is right. He said Life is suffering. And the entire Buddhist philosophy is on how to deal with this suffering (8 fold path). This consists of a series of self denials and especially the death of all passion. However, Jesus knows we cannot live without passion. But what he requires is a passion rightly placed in Him. So Im not going to say life is an illusion (as the Buddhists would say). All the pain is real. Pain is still a problem but I need to understand that Jesus bore my pain and there is a purpose for everything. We do not understand it now, but later....

Thanks again, Ginny