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  MARRIAGE AND FAMILY TEACHING NOTES
  by Coty Pinckney
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Pinckney's biblical study guide on marriage and family grounded in Ephesians
5:22-33, teaching Christian marriage principles based on the Christ-church
relationship and covering headship, submission, unity, love, and child
development.

  Chapters: 14

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  TABLE OF CONTENTS
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    1. 01 Introduction
    2. 02 What is Christian Marriage
    3. 03 The Relationship Between Christ and the Church
    4. 04 Implications for Marriage
    5. 05 Unity in Christian Marriage
    6. 06 Love in Christian Marriage
    7. 07 The Nature of Love in Christian Marriage
    8. 08 Submission and Headship in Christian Marriage
    9. 09 Perfection of Each Other in Christian Marriage
   10. 10 Results of Christian Marriage
   11. 11 Attitude Towards Children
   12. 12 Growing in Wisdom and in Favor with God
   13. 13 Growing in Favor with Men
   14. 14 Growing in Stature

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  CHAPTER 1: 01 INTRODUCTION
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Christian Marriage and Family Edited Class Notes by Coty and Beth Pinckney
Cameroon Baptist Theological Seminary, 2002

Copyright © 2003, Thomas C. Pinckney. We learned much about Christian marriage -
particularly the functional and relational aspects of maleness and femaleness -
from Steve and Erica Lawry of Parakaleo Ministries, Stanford, CA. Ray Stedman’s
teaching on this passage, found at www.pbc.org <http://www.pbc.org/>, has also
influenced us strongly. The teaching on the relationship between Jesus and God
the Father is taken directly from Ray’s sermon on this passage. This data file
is the sole property of Thomas C. Pinckney. Please feel free to copy it, but
only in its entirety for circulation freely without charge. All copies of this
data file must contain the above copyright notice. This data file in its
original or modified form may not be copied for resale or incorporated in any
commercial publications, or other products offered for sale, without the written
permission of Thomas C. Pinckney, tpinckney@williams.edu
<mailto:tpinckney@williams.edu>, c/o Community Bible Church, 160 Bridges Rd,
Williamstown, Mark 01267.


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  CHAPTER 2: 02 WHAT IS CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
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What is Christian Marriage

What is Christian marriage? Is it fundamentally different from marriage between
non-Christians? We hear words related to marriage, such as headship, submission,
and love: What do these terms mean? Are these cultural relics of the 1st
century? Are they western cultural patterns? Or are they vital for our
understanding and practice of marriage today among all Christians? The most
extended treatment of marriage in the Bible is found in Ephesians 5:22-33; these
verses are followed by 6:1-4 on parents and children. These sixteen verses form
the outline of our course. Paul grounds none of his teaching concerning marriage
and family on cultural grounds, or on the specific circumstances found in
Ephesus in the 1st century. Instead, all that he says is grounded on theological
truths, particularly on the teaching that he has given the Ephesians in the
first four and a half chapters of the book, as well as the relationship between
Christ and the church. We consider these two topics in turn. The Context of the
Passage:Ephesians 1:1-23;Ephesians 2:1-22;Ephesians 3:1-21;Ephesians
4:1-32;Ephesians 5:1-21

Many discussions of Ephesians 5:22-33 in courses on marriage take these verses
out of context, considering them by themselves. But these verses are intimately
related to the first section of the book, and build upon what Paul has said in
the earlier chapters. In order to understand these verses rightly, we need to
understand why Paul brings up this topic at this point. These verses are
intimately integrated with all that precedes them in this letter, and our
insights into marriage are improved by considering the relationship between
these verses and the preceding chapters.

Recall that Paul begins this letter by praising God for the spiritual blessings
that we have in Christ:

·God has chosen us in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and
blameless in his sight;

·God has redeemed us, purchasing us from slavery to sin, through Christ’s blood;

·God has revealed to us the mystery of his will: that He is in the process of
summing up all things in Christ;

·God has sealed us with the Holy Spirit, as a guarantee that we have a part in
the summing up of all things in Christ.

Furthermore, all of these spiritual blessings, great as the benefits are to us,
are to the praise of God’s glory; they reveal His character, so that all
creation will praise Him.

Given that all this is true, Paul then prays that while we are here on earth, we
would know three things:

·the hope of our calling, ·the riches of the glory of God’s inheritance in us,
·and the resurrection power which is ours.

Paul concludes the first chapter by saying that God: gave Christ as head over
all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all
in all. (Ephesians 1:22-23) So this entire passage concerns the relationship
between Christ and the church. We, the church, are in Christ, purchased by His
blood; He is summing up all things in Christ according to His eternal plan, and
he involves us in that process; God gives us Christ’s resurrection power to
enable us to play our part in that process; we are Christ’s body, intimately
related to Him, created to do His will; we are his fullness, glorifying him in
what we are becoming. In chapter 2, Paul notes the astounding nature of this
relationship between Christ and the church. There were two powerful barriers
that would seem to make such an intimate relationship impossible. The first
barrier is our flesh, our sinfulness. We were dead in our trespasses and sins,
helpless, hopeless. We were by nature objects of God’s wrath, deserving his just
punishment. The perfectly holy God could have no partnership with such sinful
creatures; the perfectly just God must punish such creatures.

Chapter 2 verse 4 begins with two powerful words: BUT GOD. We were dead and
without hope, BUT GOD made us alive together with Christ, BUT GOD raised us by
His grace, BUT GOD seated us with Christ in the heavenlies, and prepared in
advance good works for us to do. By identifying us with Christ instead of
looking at us on our own, God makes us righteous in His sight. Our union with
Christ, our intimate identification with Him, is what allows God to take us,
sinful creatures as we are, to Himself. In addition to our individual
sinfulness, the second barrier is that many of us are Gentiles, and therefore
excluded from the promises God made to the people of Israel. BUT GOD now has
brought us near by the blood of Christ, reconciling both Jew and Gentile into
one body through the cross. God had pictured his relationship to Israel as a
marriage in the Old Testament; now not only the Jews but all who are in Christ
are reconciled to each other and to God through Christ Himself. In chapter 3,
Paul says his particular calling is to reveal the mystery of God’s redeeming
both Jews and Gentiles. Verse 10 highlights one of God’s purposes in this plan
of redemption: to show the greatness of His wisdom even to angels and opposing
spiritual powers. Paul then prays that we might be strengthened through the
Spirit so that Christ might dwell in our hearts, and that we might be able to
know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge.

Thus ends the first half of the book. Why didn’t Paul simply stop here? He
doesn’t stop because Christian doctrine always has logical consequences for
Christian behavior. Our faith has implications for how we live. So, in chapters
four through six, Paul builds on the truths concerning the blessings,
privileges, and power which are ours, arguing that if all this is true, we have
a glorious calling - a calling to display the wisdom, love, and power of God in
our lives - and thus must walk in a manner worthy of that calling.

Consider three implications of this latter section of Ephesians:

First, note that Paul does not here give us a list of moral do’s and don’ts; he
is not laying down a standard and then saying, "Live this way." Instead, he is
basing his commands on the doctrine he has taught in the first part of
Ephesians. The New Testament always does this; morality is never divorced from
doctrine. These days we often hear someone say, "Oh, I don’t believe in the
Bible’s teaching about Jesus as the Son of God, and all that, but I admire and
try to live up to its moral teaching." Nothing could be more antithetical to the
biblical position. Indeed, nothing could be more foolish. In all of the New
Testament, behavior is a logical consequence of doctrine; morality does not
stand alone.

Second, God gives us the power to live lives that are pleasing to him. Christian
morality is not a matter of our using our own power to live up to God’s
commands. Paul has already said in chapter two that on our own we are dead in
our trespasses and sins, without hope. Yet God’s power has raised us and seated
us with Christ, and this same resurrection power is available to us to
accomplish His purposes in us. So Paul in this last half of Ephesians reminds us
that it is not only logical for us to behave this way, but it is also possible
for us to behave this way because of the power of God within us.

Third, note that Paul still finds it necessary to give us these commands. Thus,
it must be possible for us to be Christians and yet not live in accordance with
God’s desires. So this process is not automatic; we can be chosen by God and
sealed by the Holy Spirit, yet still live lives that are unworthy of our
calling. Thus, living lives worthy of our calling is not a simple, one-time
event, not a decision we make once in our lives, but a battle that we must fight
day by day.

Note three aspects of our salvation: (1) God promises that we are saved from the
guilt of sin, we are justified - that was accomplished on the cross, and becomes
effective for us by God’s grace the first moment we exercise saving faith.
Justification is indeed a one-time event.

(2) We are saved from the power of sin -- God has made us alive in Christ, we
are united with Christ both in His death and in His resurrection. Alive in
Christ, we are no longer slaves to sin. This, again, is a one-time event; God
frees us from slavery to sin at one point in time.

(3) God also promises that he will make us Christlike, that he will perfect us
-- but this sanctification does not happen immediately. We continue to fight the
fight of faith for our entire lives. This concept is central to our
understanding of Christian marriage, so let’s delve into it a bit more deeply.
Consider Galatians 2:20, which I hope many of you have memorized:

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live but Christ who
lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of
God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Paul is saying that we who are Christians have been identified with Christ’s
death, and that we have died to self. But note that we still live in the flesh,
we still live in our old, fallen bodies. The habits we have developed, the
patterns of reacting to life’s circumstances, persist and continue to influence
us. Furthermore, although Satan has lost his control of us, he continues to
fight against us, as Paul will remind us in Ephesians 6:1-24. And Satan still
influences the world around us, so that to our eyes it looks as if God is not in
control. For all these reasons, we must live by faith -- faith in God’s
sovereignty, faith in God’s power, and faith in God’s promises. While we remain
in this world, then, we must exercise our will minute by minute and hour by
hour, turning our thoughts to God in active dependence on Him. When we fail to
live by faith, we stumble, and live lives that are not worthy of our calling.

So, in this last half of Ephesians, Paul finds it necessary to exhort us to
behave in a manner consistent with our calling by the power of God within us,
through living by faith minute by minute. Let us, then, consider how he
organizes these exhortations in chapters 4 and 5. In the first 16 verses of
chapter 4, Paul asks the question, "How should we live within the body of
Christ? How should we relate to other Christians?" His answer: we should be
humble towards each other, we should build each other up, especially via the
gifts that the Spirit gives us. This leads to our growing together to maturity.

Beginning in 4:17 Paul turns his attention from our lives as part of the church
to our lives as individuals in relationship to others. Here, in effect he is
answering the question, "Does the way I live matter?" If it is true that God
will forgive whatever sins I commit if I am a child of God, then why not sin?
Paul here shows -- as he shows via a somewhat different argument in Romans
6:1-23 -- that anyone who asks such a question simply does not understand the
fundamental change that takes place when one is saved. The old life is darkness,
ignorance, corruption, and slavery. There is no benefit to living that way --
rather, it leads to death. As he says in 5:5, no immoral, impure, or covetous
person has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ -- and anyone without such
an inheritance has no hope whatsoever, but will be subject to God’s wrath. So
since you are children of God, act like it! Imitate him! You were once darkness,
but now are light! Walk in the light, not in the darkness! Take care, consider
the way you walk -- it indicates who you are! This is the will of God.

Beginning in 5:18, Paul emphasizes our need for the Spirit’s power in order to
accomplish this. We must be filled with the Spirit if we are to live worthy
lives. We must let the Spirit control us, let Him fill our minds and thoughts,
let him infuse all our relationships with His presence, as he stands alongside
us, encouraging us, enabling us to be Christlike. As Paul points out, when we
are filled with the Spirit, He will affect our speech ("speaking to one another
in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs"), our inner attitudes ("singing and
making melody with your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks for all things
in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father"), and our
interactions with others ("submitting to one another in the fear of Christ"). In
the next lengthy section, Paul elaborates on what it means to submit to each
other in our most intimate relationships.

It is absolutely vital to see that submitting to one another is a result of
being filled with the Spirit. Submission is neither natural nor easy. But
because we as Christians are a new creation on the inside, because the Holy
Spirit lives in us, we CAN live a new life, we CAN put off the old self, we CAN
live as children of light, submitting to one another.

Paul highlights three intimate relationships:

·between husbands and wives, ·between parents and children ·and between
employees and employers.

He selects these relationships because this is where “the rubber meets the
road”, as we would say in the US. It is in these relationships that we reveal
the true nature of our hearts. Most of us can become pretty good at play-acting
on Sunday mornings, pretending that we are good Christians. We can do the same
in our occasional, casual relationships in civic organizations. But it is much
harder to fool our employers and employees, and it is virtually impossible to
fool our wives, husbands, children, and parents. Whatever we are on the inside
will come out, at least occasionally, in these close relationships. If
Christianity does not have an impact on these most intimate relationships, it is
not worth very much. But a relationship with God that will transform these
relationships is exactly what so many long for!


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  CHAPTER 3: 03 THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CHRIST AND THE CHURCH
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The Relationship Between Christ and the Church

We will spend the bulk of this course discussing the first of these
relationships, between husbands and wives. Paul here tells us what it means for
husbands and wives to submit to each other by the power of the Spirit. Paul
draws an explicit analogy, saying that the relationship of husbands to wives is
similar to the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church. Now, this
is an exceptionally helpful analogy - IF we understand the relationship of
Christ to the church. Unfortunately, since most of us have little or no
understanding of this relationship, we are unable to draw out the proper
implications for us as husbands and wives. So we focus now on gaining a deeper
understanding of this marriage in heaven, so that we might here have heavenly
marriages.

Recall four earlier verses that refer to this relationship: 1:22-23, and
4:15-16:

1:22 And [God] has put all things under [Christ’s] feet and has made him the
head over all things for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him
who fills all in all.

4:15 But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who
is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and knit together
by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly,
promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.

Now read our present text, 5:22-33. There is much about human marriage in these
verses, but on this reading, look instead for what the text tells us about the
relationship between Christ and the church.

Let me draw your attention to four principles brought out in this section which
together define the relationship of Christ to the church: unity, love, headship,
and perfection. This section considers how these principles relate to Christ and
the church. In the bulk of the course, we will consider how these same
principles apply to husbands and wives.

(1) The Unity of Christ and the Church

We have already pointed out how we are the body of Christ; we are united with
Him in His death and resurrection., and thus organically linked to him. The
quotation above from Ephesians 4:1-32 makes this clear, as does Romans 6:1-23.
But we can go further. In God’s plan, God’s love is incomplete without the
church!

"But wait a minute," you say. "How can the love of God be incomplete? Look again
at 5:31-32: FOR THIS CAUSE A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL
CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE; AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is
great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Verse 31 is a quotation from Genesis 2:1-25, after the first marriage between
Adam and Eve. Adam -- created by the perfect God -- was incomplete without Eve.
In all creation there was no helpmeet suitable for him. So God fashioned Eve out
of Adam’s rib, so that together Adam and Eve would become one perfect, complete
flesh.

Paul is saying that, while the mystery is great, the same holds true for Christ
and the church. We are so intimately one with Christ that his love is made
complete through us, the church. Recall that 1:23 says we are his fullness. What
does this mean? Consider 1 John 4:17 : love is perfected with us . . . because
as He is, so also are we in this world.

God is love -- but that love is perfected, or made complete, with us. We are so
united with Christ that we represent him in this world, that we complete his
love in the world.

Furthermore, Christ chose to assume the role of mediator between God and man,
and thus to unite us with him. This role as mediator is not complete until all
of those called according to his plan are joined with him. So we, the church,
are essentially one with Him.

(2) The Love of Christ for the Church In 5:25, Paul writes:

Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself

Love is one of the most misunderstood words today. When we say, "I love you," we
may mean, "You make me feel tingly all over," or "I want to have sex with you,"
or "I enjoy being around you," or "I want you to feel wanted." But Christ’s love
for the church is not a feeling. This love is giving, sacrificing, selfless.
This love is a love that shows itself in action.

How did Christ act out His love? Verse 1:7 says, "we have redemption through his
blood," while 2:13 says we Gentiles are "brought near by the blood of Christ."
His love extended all the way to the shedding of His blood for us -- and the
shedding of His blood for us when there was nothing attractive about us. As Paul
says in Romans 5:8, But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while
we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

“While we were yet sinners!” When there was nothing attractive about us, God
showed His love to us through the death of Christ. So the love of Christ for the
church is a self-sacrificing love that acts.

You recall that God had Hosea act out such a love in his own life and marriage.
His wife, Gomer, was guilty of brazen adultery, even to the point of selling
herself as a prostitute. But God tells Hosea to go down to the slave market and
to buy her -- to buy the woman who was properly his, and had rejected him -- he
tells Hosea to redeem her and to take her back as his wife. This is the type of
love Christ has for the church.

(3) The Headship of Christ Over the Church In addition to telling us that Christ
and the church are one, and that Christ loves the church sacrificially, this
passages reiterates 1:22 in telling us that Christ is the head of the church.
The idea of headship is intimately related to the unity and love we have already
discussed. In particular, note that Christ as head is not an external authority
telling the church what to do, but Christ is one with the church -- indeed, the
one whose love brought the church into being. Headship is an organic notion --
the head is part of the body, just as much as the foot or the arm.

Just so, submission to the head is a result of confidence in the unity and love
we have discussed. We as the church submit to Christ because we know He has our
good at heart, even when following Him means acting in a way that seems to make
little sense. We know that He who died for us when we were without hope loves us
with an undying love, and so we express our love to him by being obedient to his
headship.

Now, what does a head do? Let me suggest three ideas:

First, the head decides on goals.

Second, the head coordinates all action so as to accomplish its goals. Without a
head, the different parts of the body would not work towards a common purpose.
But when every part submits to the guidance of the head, the body can work
effectively to accomplish its mission.

Finally, the head looks out for the good of the entire body. There may be times
when an action in the short run will hurt one part of the body. But the head
knows this pain is worth it so that the whole body might grow. The next and
final principle draws this idea out:

(4) The Perfection of the Church Through Christ Consider some of the words Paul
uses in our text describing the impact of Christ on the church:

·He sanctifies and cleanses her (26), washing us from our sins and then setting
us apart for his purposes;

·He makes her to have no spot or wrinkle, but to be holy and blameless (27);

·He nourishes and cherishes her (29), not being willing to stop at cleansing us,
but giving us everything we need in order to grow up into Him;

·He is her savior (23). The purpose of headship is the completion, the
perfection of the church. Christ is one with the church, and loves the church so
much that he is determined to make her all she should be.

Consider again the story of Hosea. When Hosea remarries Gomer, bringing her back
into a right relationship with him, would he be satisfied to change her position
from prostitute to wife? No! Not if he loves her! He wants her to fulfill her
potential, to become all that God intended her to be -- and, furthermore, he
wants them together, in their essential unity, to become what they together
might be.

Just so, Jesus does not stop with changing our position before Him. We were full
of sin and unable to enter God’s presence because of his holiness. But we as
believers are covered by the blood of Jesus, so that our position has changed.
Jesus saves us from the consequences of our sin, from eternal damnation. But he
has determined to do so much more! He has determined to perfect us, to fulfill
our potential, to make us what we were intended to be, to make us together with
him into his fullness, glorifying himself in the process. The difference between
changing our position and perfecting us is similar to the difference between the
roles of doctor and coach. My doctor is concerned with disease. He identifies
the disease that plagues me, and then attempts to cure it. But being cured of a
disease and fulfilling my potential are two very different things! I can be
healthy in the sense that there is no disease present in my body, yet still be
fat, lazy, and out of shape. In that case, my body would be falling far short of
its potential. My coach, or physical trainer, on the other hand, has the goal of
making me the best athlete possible. My coach will look at me and see all I am
capable of attaining, then set forth a plan whereby I can achieve my potential.
He will make me work hard, he will cause me pain, he may yell at me
occasionally, but my coach -- if he is good -- does all this so that I, together
with my teammates, can fulfill our potential.

Similarly, Christ is not satisfied with healing our disease, with keeping us
from hell. Instead, he perfects us individually and corporately.

How does Christ perfect the church? One way is through the leadership gifts
discussed in chapter 4. Recall 4:11-13:

11 And He gave some [as] apostles, and some [as] prophets, and some [as]
evangelists, and some [as] pastors and teachers, 12 for the equipping of the
saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; 13
until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son
of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the
fullness of Christ. The leadership gifts result in our maturing, in our growing
up to be what Christ intends. Similarly, God works all things together for our
good, using trials, using difficulties, using each other so that we are whipped
into shape, so that we attain the perfection that he desires. And the final
result of our perfection is his being glorified! Recall 3:10 where Paul writes
that the perfected church displays God’s wisdom to all spiritual beings! God is
proud of the church, and displays her beauty to others; Christ shows who he is
by the perfection of his wife.

Think of the most beautiful sunrise you have seen recently, one that was
particularly magnificent as deep reds changed to pink with increasing
brilliance. The sunrise displays the beauty of its creator. Just so, we as the
church are being perfected so that all creation will see us -- holy and
blameless, perfect and complete -- and sing praises to God. The perfected church
bringing praise to God is pictured in Revelation 19:6 Then I heard what seemed
to be the voice of a great multitude, like the sound of many waters and like the
sound of mighty thunderpeals, crying out, "Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the
Almighty reigns. 7 Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the
marriage of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready; 8 to her it
has been granted to be clothed with fine linen, bright and pure"-- for the fine
linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. 9 And the angel said to me, "Write
this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb." Can
you imagine this scene? The huge multitude of all the created order will sing
praises to God because of us! We are his bride, clothed in the very deeds we
have done through his grace. The perfect Savior marries the perfect bride -- and
we, together, are that bride. So Christ our Savior and Husband is one with us.
We are organically linked to him. He loves us with an active, sacrificial love.
He who is one with us is also our head, directing us, helping all parts of his
body to work together for His glory, and He directs all things together so that
we might become his perfect creation. He nourishes us, providing all that we
need to join Him at the marriage supper, proclaiming his glory, perfect in every
way.


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  CHAPTER 4: 04 IMPLICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE
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Implications for Marriage of the Relationship Between Christ and the Church

Let’s begin this section with a question for all who are married: When was the
first time you looked at your spouse and thought, "How in the world did I choose
to marry this person?"

Most of us who have been married for more than a year have asked that question
at some point. Oh, when we stand at the altar, although we know that most
couples quarrel, and although we know that we have quarreled prior to marriage,
many of us believe that ours will be the first marriage in the history of the
world to be characterized exclusively by tenderness, respect, and love. It
usually does not take us too many weeks to discover that this seemingly perfect
spouse, amazingly, has not escaped the stain of sin. And we begin to wonder what
we’re in for.

Before we begin to move from our discussion of Christ and the Church to talking
about marriage, it is important to emphasize that we are describing an ideal.
And every marriage represented in this class - including my own - falls short of
that ideal. But the promise of God is that in Christ we are new creations, we
are the temple of the Holy Spirit, we can be filled with the Spirit; Christ is
in us, thereby providing us with the hope of glory. Whatever your failures,
whatever your mistakes in marriage, you can begin today to live out the ideal
Christian marriage by -- and only by -- depending on the power of the Holy
Spirit within you. And when you fail, when you step out in your own power and
make a mess, you need to seek forgiveness from God and your spouse, and begin
again. Paul has already told us to walk in a manner worthy of our calling, to
walk as children of light. Children don’t learn to walk over night. They learn
by falling -- and picking themselves up and trying again. And we too must pick
ourselves up after our failures, and thereby learn to walk in the area of
marriage, learning to depend on the Holy Spirit in this most intimate, most
difficult, and most rewarding area of our lives.

Recall God’s command to Joshua:

I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be terrified, do not be
discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9) As
we gain a deeper understanding of God’s ideal for marriage, many of us will see
the stark contrast with our own marriages. Satan will try to use that contrast
to make you think, "This is hopeless. I am a failure as a husband or wife. My
marriage can never reflect this ideal." God commands us, "Do not be discouraged.
Do not be afraid. I am with you. I will uphold you. Depend on me, and the years
the locusts have devoured I will redeem, and use for my glory in your life." So
let us focus on the ideal, and then by God’s power strive to attain it.

Recall that in our examination of the context of Ephesians, we have seen the
relationship between Christ and the Church described in several ways. In the
previous section, we highlighted four aspects of this relationship that become
particularly clear in 5:22-33:

·The unity of Christ and the church ·The sacrificial love of Christ for the
church ·The headship of Christ over the church, and the submission of the church
to Him ·The perfecting of the church by Christ

Now we ask these questions: How does the image of the relationship between
Christ and the church shed light on the relationship between husband and wife?
If Christ and the church provide a pattern for the ideal Christian marriage,
what are the lessons for marriage today?


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  CHAPTER 5: 05 UNITY IN CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
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Unity in Christian Marriage Let us begin by considering unity. Husband and wife
are one. From the beginning, God said: for this cause a man shall leave his
father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
(Genesis 2:24) What does this mean?

First, husband and wife are one because they are both parts of the body of
Christ. This is why Christians are to marry Christians. How can I be one with
Christ, and also one with someone who is not in Christ? In the ideal Christian
marriage, Christ is the head, the husband, of each partner in the marriage
individually; both the man and the woman, as part of the church, are the bride
of Christ. So Jesus Christ is at the middle of the relationship. The unity of
husband and wife in its essence begins with the unity of the two in Christ. So
the statements we find in the parts of Scripture that deal with spiritual gifts
apply to husbands and wives also. In 1 Corinthians we read: The eye cannot say
to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no
need of you." (1 Corinthians 12:21) And recall that earlier in Ephesians we saw
Paul make much the same point: we are to grow up in every way into him who is
the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by
every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes
the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. (4:15-16)

Each part of the body needs to do its part to build up every other part of the
body, so that all together they grow into Christ. So the husband needs his wife,
and the wife needs her husband; they build up each other when both are one in
Christ. So Beth and I are one, in the same sense that I am one with my body.
When Beth is built up, and honored, and growing, I am built up, and honored, and
growing; if she hurts, I hurt. In the magnificent novel Anna Karenina the 19th
century Russian author Leo Tolstoy uses a dual story line to examine marriage.
He compares and contrasts Anna’s marriage with that of Levin and Kitty. Anna and
her husband make mistake after mistake, eventually leading to the destruction of
their marriage, while Levin and Kitty exemplify a good marriage. Theirs is not
perfect; but they understand their essential unity. Tolstoy clearly had thought
long and hard about Ephesians 5:1-33 prior to writing this book. Permit me to
excerpt a rather lengthy section for you; this occurs shortly after Levin and
Kitty marry:

Levin had thought there could never be any relations between himself and Kitty
other than those based on tenderness, self-respect, and love: But the first
month of their marriage showed otherwise. Their first quarrel arose because
Levin had ridden over to inspect a new farm. He returned half an hour late
because he had attempted a short cut and got lost. He rode home thinking only of
her, of her love, of his own happiness, and the nearer he came to the house the
warmer grew his tenderness for her. He rushed into the room with a feeling that
was even stronger than the one with which he had gone to propose to her, yet was
all of a sudden met with a grim expression he had never seen on her face before.
He tried to kiss her, but she pushed him away.

"What’s the matter?"

"You’re having a nice time . . ." she began, trying to appear calm and venomous.
But the moment she opened her mouth, she burst into a flood of reproaches,
senseless jealousy, and everything else that had been tormenting her during the
half hour she had spent sitting motionless at the window. It was then that he
clearly understood for the first time what he had failed to understand when he
led her out of the church after the wedding. He understood that she was not only
close to him, but that he could not now tell where she ended and he began. He
realized it from the agonizing feeling of division into two parts which he
experienced at the moment. He felt hurt, but he immediately realized that he
could not be offended with her because she was himself. For a moment he felt
like a man who, receiving a sudden blow from behind, turns round angrily with
the desire to return the blow only to find that he had accidentally struck
himself and that there was no one to be angry with and he had to endure and do
his best to assuage the pain. . . .

It took him a long time to recover his senses. His first impulse was quite
naturally to justify himself and explain that she was in the wrong; but to show
her that she was in the wrong meant to exasperate her still more and to widen
the breach which was the cause of all this trouble. One impulse quite naturally
drew him to shift the blame from himself and lay it upon her; another much more
powerful feeling drew him to smooth over the breach and prevent it from
widening. To remain under so unjust an accusation was painful, but to hurt her
by justifying himself would be still worse. Like a man half awake and suffering
from pain, he wanted to tear off the aching part and cast it away, but on coming
to his senses he realized that the aching part was himself. All he had to do was
to try to help the aching part to bear it, and this he did.

Isn’t that a wonderful illustration of this truth? Levin "could not now tell
where she ended and he began." "He could not be offended with her because she
was himself." You see, when we build each other up, we ourselves benefit,
because we are one. If we lash out at each other, and justify ourselves
individually, if we break the sacred bonds that unite us, we are only in the end
hurting ourselves. Just as we try to assuage the pain when our bodies hurt, so
we need to comfort and forgive each other when we (inevitably) hurt each other.
This true unity has many important implications for how we live in marriage. Let
me draw out four of them:

First, in order to be one in marriage, we must no longer be one with the family
in which we grew up. As Genesis 2:24 says prior to stating the unity between
husband and wife, “a man shall leave his father and his mother.” Many parents
try to hold on to their children even after marriage. In many African cultures,
the wife becomes part of the husband’s family, even becoming a servant for the
husband’s mother. In other cases, the wife or husband will feel more loyalty and
unity with the family in which he or she grew up than with the spouse. But
Genesis tells us we are to leave our parents. We continue to respect them, we
continue to be in relationship to them, we hope to involve them as grandparents
in the raising of our children; furthermore, if we are all Christians we all
clearly continue to be part of the same body of Christ. We can say even more:
our parents may have valuable advice to give us concerning marriage.
Nevertheless, husband and wife must both recognize that they are one in a
deeper, more profound sense than in their earlier family relationships. God has
joined them together; they are a picture of Christ and the church; when one
hurts, both hurt; when one has joy, so does the other.

Before a marriage takes place, it is very important that the couple as well as
both sets of parents understand this point. In most Christian marriage
ceremonies, the parents or father of the bride give her away to the bridegroom.
This is an important symbol of the breaking of the old family, and the creation
of a new one.

Second, in order to be one in marriage, we must take an interest in the other’s
passions. For example, suppose that my wife has always had a strong interest in
music; she sings in the choir, forms small ensembles that perform special music
in church, and know s how to play several instruments. Suppose that I cannot
carry a tune, play no instrument, and on Sunday morning sit wishing we could cut
out most of the singing and just get to the sermon. Now, how should I act after
we are married? Should I say to her, “I don’t like music, so you have to stop
spending so much time in this way”? Or should I say to her, “You go ahead and
sing if you wish,” but then ignore her involvement: never encourage her with
praise, never talk about music with her, never try to learn more about the
subject? By no means! Her interest gives me an opportunity to cause her joy and
pleasure by trying to learn about music. Since we are one, I receive joy and
pleasure from giving the same to her. Now, in the case described, I may not have
any natural talent for music, and will probably never be able to perform with my
wife. But I can learn enough to talk about the matter with her, to encourage
her, and to share this part of her life with her.

Application: What are the passions and interests of your spouse or potential
spouse? What can you do to learn about those passions? Have you neglected this
means to becoming more united with each other?

Third, in order to be one in marriage, we must share our hopes and dreams. We
must talk with each other, looking to the future, discussing where we see
ourselves going in the years ahead, examining areas in which we need to grow in
Christlikeness, and planning on how to grow together. This is an area that is
frequently difficult for men. Many men do not sit and talk with their wives;
when they do, they frequently refrain from opening their hearts, either because
of a misplaced desire to spare their wives from knowing their troubles, or from
a feeling of vulnerability, not wanting to be ridiculed or gossiped about. But
we cannot be truly one unless we talk with each other about those matters that
concern us most deeply.

Application: Schedule a time with your spouse or potential spouse to have a
serious discussion about your hopes and dreams for the future. Make it clear
ahead of time that this discussion is confidential, including matters that
neither of you will share with anyone else. Try to arrange so that you will not
be interrupted, and then truly listen to your spouse during this time.

Fourth, just as her dreams will be his dreams, and vice versa, if the two become
one, also his burdens will become her burdens. In Christian marriage, the couple
will share all aspects of their lives with each other, dreams for the future as
well as burdens of the present. The analogy with Christ and the church makes
this clear: We as the church take on more and more of the concerns of Christ
Himself as we grow: His concern for the spread of the gospel, His concern for
the glory of the Father; He, on the other hand, tells us to cast our burdens on
Him. Just as Christ never tells His people that their concerns and cares are
unimportant, we as husbands and wives must listen with compassion to the
problems faced by our spouses. The importance of our unity as husband and wife
will come out in other ways as we go through this part of the course. But these
four applications should give you some idea of the central importance of this
idea in Christian marriage. Just as Christ and the church are one, man and wife
are essentially one flesh, they form an essential unity. Any assertion of self,
of my rights, is a denial of this fundamental truth. God has truly joined man
and wife together, making them one. Let us not separate one from another.


========================================================================
  CHAPTER 6: 06 LOVE IN CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
========================================================================

Love in Christian Marriage In addition to emphasizing that Christ and the church
are essentially one, our passage highlights Christ’s love for the church. Recall
also that Paul in these verses is expanding not only on the idea of our being
filled with the Spirit, but in particular on the idea expressed in verse 21: we
are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. In this context, Paul
commands the husband to love his wife -- this is his method of submission.

What does Paul mean by love? Recall that Christ’s love for the church was for
sinners (as we saw in Romans 5:8). We, the church, did nothing to deserve that
love, as it was conditioned on nothing in us. God justifies the wicked (Romans
4:5); He loves the rebellious world (John 3:16). And we husbands are to love our
wives in the same way, with a love not conditioned on their response.

Let us clarify the idea by examining a number of things that Paul does not mean
here:

(1) Paul is not saying, "Love your wife if she submits to you." That would be a
love conditioned on a response.

(2) Second, he is not saying that husbands are always to follow her lead,
responding to her statements with, "Whatever you say, dear." That would be to
give up the husband’s headship, which, as we will see later, is a key element in
Christian marriage.

(3) Third, Paul is not here talking about erotic love. The word "erotic" comes
from the Greek eros, a love that responds to the beauty of the other. When Paul
tells husbands to love their wives, he does not use this term; indeed, the Greek
word eros is never used in the New Testament.

Now, the Bible clearly teaches that sexuality is one of God’s gifts, and that
the joy of sexual relations between husband and wife is an expression of their
essential one-flesh unity. The Song of Solomon, for example, is a celebration of
erotic love in its proper context. In beautiful images, the author expresses the
longing for sexual fulfillment prior to marriage and the consummation of that
longing after marriage.

Recall also the command that God gives the Israelites in Deuteronomy 24:5 : When
a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with
any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his
wife.

"He shall give happiness to his wife." I believe God here is talking about more
than just taking out the trash and playing tiddly-winks; surely he also means
giving her sexual pleasure.

Proverbs 5:1-23 also highlights our Creator’s positive view of sexuality:

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely
deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be
intoxicated always in her love. (Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV)

Husbands are commanded to delight physically in their wives, to be drunk, or
carried away with her love. The sexual relationship between husband and wife is
one of abandonment to the other. This idea carries over to the New Testament. In
1 Corinthians, Paul says: For the wife does not have authority over her own
body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over
his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:4 ESV)

(Note that the NIV translators add words not found in the Greek in saying “the
wife’s body does not belong to her alone”; the ESV and NAS are more literal
here). Our bodies belong to each other; the husband has authority over the
wife’s body, and the wife has authority over the husband’s body. Many husbands
want to claim the former but do not acknowledge the latter. Biblically,
authority over the other’s body goes both ways - the wife does indeed have
authority over the husband’s body. So in a strong Christian marriage, the sexual
act provides us with a beautiful picture of the unity between man and wife; as
we yield to each other and give pleasure to each other we increase our own
delight. And sexual intimacy binds us closer and closer to each other, as we
share aspects of our selves with each other that we never share with another.

Some Christians have been confused on this point, and have provided poor
teaching. Sexual expression even within marriage has sometimes been considered
something only tolerable, allowed by God as an outlet for passion for those not
able to live celibate lives, or as a necessary allowance so that the human race
can continue. But such an interpretation ignores the verses cited above, as well
as the foundation verse for Christian marriage, Genesis 2:24. God delights in
the proper expression of sexuality within marriage; after all, He invented sex.
In many (probably most) marriages, sexual expression does indeed bring joy, but
it also brings considerable tension. Most often the tension arises from the
husband’s desire to have sexual relations more often than the wife would prefer;
the wife begins to feel like a tool to satisfy her husband’s passion, and
withdraws more and more from him. The husband may react in a number of ways that
heighten the tension: forcing her to have sex when he wants; withdrawing from
all sexual relations with her, even when she desires it; seeking sexual
satisfaction outside of the marriage. These problems result in large measure
from both partners failing to understand and put into practice the two central
concepts we have discussed so far: the nature of unity within marriage, and the
type of love that should characterize the marriage. The mutual authority over
each other’s bodies of 1 Corinthians 7:4 precludes all these negative behaviors.
In true Christian marriage, our sexual pleasure is a joint sexual pleasure, and
we will delight to help our partner to be intoxicated with our love. At the same
time, the love and unity we share will mean that we will refrain from making
sexual advances when we know there are reasons why our spouse will have
difficulty responding positively. So erotic love is not only sanctioned by the
Bible, but also commanded within the confines of marriage. A solid Christian
marriage in which both partners are healthy will be characterized by an
exhilarating sharing of each other’s bodies. Yet the love Paul commands in
Ephesians 5:1-33 is more than erotic love.

(4) Furthermore, love in marriage is more than friendship love. Now, love
between spouses should include friendship love. Indeed, in Titus 2:4 Paul
commands the older women to sober the minds of the younger women so that they
might love their husbands - and a number of commentators suggest that the
emphasis here is on friendship love. Some of the applications of unity from the
previous section are examples of friendship love: Sharing interests, having deep
discussions, bearing each other’s burdens, simply enjoying being in each other’s
company -- all these are vital parts of a good marriage. Certainly the command
in Deuteronomy for the man to give happiness to his wife includes being her
friend and growing in their enjoyment of each other, as well as sharing sexual
intimacy. But love between man and wife should be more than friendship love. So
love in marriage is not conditional, nor is it obsequious; love in marriage is
not solely erotic, nor solely friendship. What is the positive teaching about
love?


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  CHAPTER 7: 07 THE NATURE OF LOVE IN CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
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The Nature of Love in Christian Marriage When Paul writes, "Husbands, love your
wives, just as Christ also loved the church" he tells husbands to have a love
for their wives patterned after the love of Christ for His people. And how did
Christ love? He gave of Himself. This is exemplified by the most famous verse in
the Bible, John 3:16 : For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only
son

God loved - and so He gave. This godly love gives, this godly love has the
interest of the other at heart, this godly love yields its own rights in order
to show love to the other.

Jesus exemplifies this type of love in numerous ways. Consider two Scripture
passages: John 13:3-5; John 13:12-15 and Philippians 2:2, 4-8. 3 Jesus, knowing
that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from
God and was going back to God, 4 rose from supper. He laid aside his outer
garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. 5 Then he poured water
into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the
towel that was wrapped around him. . . . 12 When he had washed their feet and
put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, "Do you
understand what I have done to you? 13 You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are
right, for so I Amos 14 If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet,
you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15 For I have given you an example,
that you also should do just as I have done to you. (ESV)

Verse 3 is amazing. Jesus is fully conscious of His status, of His glory, of His
authority. Indeed, He reminds His disciples of some aspects of His status in
verse 13. Now, most men of exalted position act exactly opposite to the way
Jesus acts here. Knowing their status, they sit and wait to be served. Knowing
their importance, they command others to serve them. They have a right, so they
would say, to this service; certainly Jesus had that right. But Jesus, knowing
His status, acts like a servant. Indeed, on a human level, He demeans Himself.
And then He drives the point home: We too are to serve each other, we too are to
be willing to demean ourselves for the purpose of serving others. This holds
true for all Christians, but it holds particularly within marriage (and within
marriage, particularly for husbands, as we will discuss below). The love which
Christ models is a love that serves, doing good for the other at one’s own
expense.

Paul gives us more of the background of Jesus’ actions in Php 2:2 make my joy
complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit,
intent on one purpose. . . . 4 do not merely look out for your own personal
interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in
yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the
form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but
emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant (a slave), and being made in
the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled
Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
(NASB)

Jesus was highly exalted, the second person of the Godhead. Yet He was willing
to give up all that glory and honor, He was willing to empty Himself of that
majesty and power, yielding the form of God and taking on the form of a slave.
Even as a human, He gave up his right to be served by His disciples (as we saw
above), and died a terrible death on the cross. Jesus loved and gave, not
because of anything inherently good in us, not because we were attractive or
shared some interest with him, but simply because He loved us. In addition to
these two examples of love in action, Paul gives us a beautiful description of
godly love in 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. Here is my rather wooden, literal
translation of verses 1-9a, which tries to maintain both the word order and the
sense of the Greek; words in parentheses are alternative translations:

1 If in the tongues of men I speak - even of angels - but I have not love, I
have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 Even if I have prophecy and I
know all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have all faith so as to move
mountains, but love I have not, I am nothing. 3 And if I feed the poor with all
those things which are mine, and if I give my body in order to be burned, but
love have not, I am benefited not at all.

4 Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy (have jealousy), it does not
boast, it is not puffed up, 5 it is not rude (ill-mannered), it does not seek
its own, it does not become provoked (irritated), it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 It does not rejoice in evil (unrighteousness), but rejoices together with the
truth. 7 It covers over (endures) all things, believes all things, hopes all
things, endures (bears up under) all things. 8 Love never falls.

Patient. Kind. Not desiring something owned by another. Not arrogant, not
thinking highly of oneself. Not telling others how great you are. Well-mannered,
treating the other with respect. Not selfish in any way. Not provoked or
irritated, regardless of what the other person does. Not hanging on to old hurts
and past disappointments, but forgiving from the heart. Not gossiping or telling
demeaning stories about each other, but keeping confidential what you say and do
among each other. Looking at the good in each other, and believing that God is
doing a good work in your spouse, and that he or she will become what God
intends him or her to be. No matter what the trials - financial, physical,
mental - godly love continues, enduring the difficulty, never falling. This is
the pattern for love in marriage. As we have seen, we should enjoy our sexual
relationship and we should enjoy friendship with each other. But the fundamental
love in Christian marriage is this godlylove, a love that gives, a love that
serves. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.” We are to give
of ourselves, we are to die to self as we serve our wives.

Paul makes this type of love the primary requirement of the husband. Look again
at Ephesians 5:28-29: 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as
their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated
his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it (ESV)

(The NIV for verse 29 is misleading. One might “feed and care for” a pig; one
would not “nourish and cherish” a pig. While “feed and care for” is a possible
translation, surely we should take account of the context when translating and
use words with connotations appropriate to that context.)

We husbands are one with our wives, one body with them. Think of a man who is an
athlete. How does he treat his body? He exercises it so that it can reach its
potential; he feeds it well; he provides appropriate clothing and shelter for
it; if it begins to hurt or ache, he soothes the pain in the best way he knows
how; if the pain becomes worse, he seeks the help of his athletic trainer or
doctor. The athlete must take good care of his body.

Just so, the husband for the wife. We must look out for our wives: are they
thriving? Are they growing spiritually? Are they developing their minds? Are
they healthy physically? Am I, the husband, protecting her from things that
might harm her? Am I aware of her hurts, her sorrows, the pressures she feels?
What am I doing to soothe, comfort, and cure her? Do I need to seek out help for
her from outside the home? The husband must nourish and cherish his wife.

Question: We know that husbands are to love their wives; should wives show
similar love to their husbands? Surely this is so. So why doesn’t Paul command
wives to love their husbands rather than emphasizing their submission and
respect? I believe Paul here is commanding each marriage partner to do what is
hardest for him or her. Husbands are most tempted to dominate their wives, and
thus are commanded to love sacrificially; wives are most tempted to look down on
their husbands, so are commanded to submit to them and respect them (we’ll come
back to this point and elaborate on it when we discuss the nature of maleness
and femaleness). So in marriage there is a place for erotic love, and a place
for friendship love. But the greatest of all loves is a godlike love, a love
that gives, a love that does not demand or hold onto rights, but has the good of
the other at heart. Does Godly Love Seek Its Own?

Please at this point read from John Piper’s book Desiring God, chapter 4 (online
at <http://www.desiringgod.org/dg/id96.htm> ). Think particularly about these
quotes:

[Love] is not a resolute abandoning of one’s own good with a view solely to the
good of the other person. It is first a deeply satisfying experience of the
fullness of God’s grace, and then a doubly satisfying experience of sharing that
grace with another person.

[Quoting C.S. Lewis] Money is not the natural reward of love; that is why we
call a man mercenary if he marries a woman for the sake of her money. But
marriage is the proper reward for a real lover, and he is not mercenary for
desiring it. . . . The proper rewards are not simply tacked on to the activity
for which they are given, but are the activity itself in consummation.

Love is the overflow of joy in God that meets the needs of others. The overflow
is experienced consciously as the pursuit of our joy in the joy of another. We
double our delight in God as we expand it in the lives of others. If our
ultimate goal were anything less than joy in God, we would be idolaters and
would be no eternal help to anyone. Therefore, the pursuit of pleasure is an
essential motive for every good deed.


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  CHAPTER 8: 08 SUBMISSION AND HEADSHIP IN CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
========================================================================

Submission and Headship in Christian Marriage

Now that we have discussed unity and love, we can begin our discussion of a
topic that is frequently misunderstood: headship and submission.

Look again at Ephesians 5:23-24: 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as
Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as
the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in
everything. (NIV) The statement cannot be clearer. Christ is the head of the
church; the husband is the head of the wife. The church submits to Christ; just
so, the wife submits to her husband.

Yet these statements continue to generate a tremendous amount of controversy.
Paul has been called all sorts of names because of what he says here. We can
clear up some of that controversy by beginning in the same way we began with
love: considering what Paul does not mean.

First, Paul is not talking here of submitting to an external authority. In
Christian marriage, submission is based on the unity and love we have already
discussed. The husband and wife are essentially one body, one unit, just as
Christ and the church are essentially one. So the head is not someone coming
from the outside, telling the wife what to do; the head is her own self,
lovingly directing their joint life.

Second, submission does not imply blind obedience. Remember, this passage
follows all of Paul’s injunctions to walk as children of light, to walk in a
manner worthy of our calling. Should our head direct us in ways that violate
God’s clear commands, we are not to follow.

Third, submission does not imply inferiority. In this passage, all of us are
told to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. The husband’s
submission implies his loving his wife sacrificially; the wife’s submission
implies following her husband’s lead. Galatians 3:28 and other passages show
clearly that men and women come before God equally:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all
one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28)

If submission does not imply following an external authority, blind obedience,
or inferiority, what does it mean? Let’s consider what submission means
positively by examining the motivation and the extent of submission. The
Motivation for SubmissionA literal rendering of Ephesians 5:21-22 reads: Be
subject to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives, to your husbands, as
to the Lord.

Wives are not to be subject to their own husbands in the same way they are
subject to the Lord; rather they are to submit to their husbands because they
are subject to the Lord. In other words, the wife is saying, "Because of what
Christ has done for me, because I know he has my good at heart, and because he
commands it, I will submit to my husband." So the wife shows her submission to
Christ by her submission to her husband in the areas of his authority.

Ray Stedman relates these words written by a woman who had struggled with these
issues: My submission to my husband is a kind of gauge or a measure of the
degree to which I am submitted to Christ. . . I realize that my submission to my
husband is not my gift to him, to be received gratefully on his part, and to be
returned in kind. Nor is it to be a subtle form of blackmail. (See how
submissive I was in this circumstance, Lord? Now what about seeing some
results!) In fact if I were submitting to him as unto the Lord I wouldn’t care
what the results were -- that’s his business She is exactly right. This is the
meaning of submitting to the husband as to the Lord.

Now, it is important to note that this type of submission is not natural, not
logical. But that is true of many of the commands offered to us as Christians --
we walk by faith, not by sight. Consider these other, similar commands:

·Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities (Romans 13:1)
(Paul wrote this when Nero was emperor . . .)_

·Do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn
to him the other also. (Matthew 5:39) ·If a Roman soldier forces you to carry
his pack one mile, offer to carry it a second mile. (Matthew 5:41)

How can we possibly agree to do such things? Won’t this type of behavior end in
our being run over by the strong and arrogant? Our motivation for submitting to
our husbands and obeying these other commands must come from our certain faith
in the power and goodness of God. Because I know that God is in control, because
I read this clear command in the Bible, because I know that He has promised to
work together all things for the good of those who love him, because Jesus said,
"If you love me you will keep my commandments," -- for all these reasons, I can
submit. Unless one believes that God is in control, submitting is not logical,
it makes no sense from a worldly point of view -- but God is in control, and we
walk by faith not by sight. The Extent of Submission Now let us consider the
extent of the wife’s submission to her husband. Look again at verse 24:

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their
husbands . . .

What comes next? Does Paul say that I as a wife should submit only:

·in those cases when I’m wrong and my husband is right?

·at those times when I feel like it?

·on relatively unimportant issues?

·as a reward when my husband shows love for me?

·as a reward when he begins to act like so-and-so’s husband?

No, "so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Now, we have
already said that submission does not extend to following our husbands into sin.
Remember the story of Ananias and Sapphira; they both died for their sin of
lying to God. Had Sapphira not lied, she would not have died.

Nevertheless, in everything not forbidden to Christians, the wife is to submit
to the husband as the church does to Christ. That means completely.

Later, we’ll clarify the meaning of headship and submission by use of an analogy
-- but first, let us consider the nature of headship. The Nature of Headship Let
us begin once again with a negative. Headship is not harsh and domineering. Paul
elsewhere writes:

Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. (Colossians 3:19) The
true head who loves and is one with his wife will never embitter her or dominate
her. That is completely contrary to the ideal relationship as exemplified
between Christ and the church. For the positive teaching about headship, let us
consider another parallel.

Christ is the head of every man, and the husband is the head of his wife, and
God is the head of Christ. (1 Corinthians 11:3) So we have three relationships
that are in parallel:

Wife to husband Church to Christ Christ to God the Father In each of these
relationships, one partner is head and the other submits. We have already seen
how the relationship between Christ and the church gives us insights into the
marriage relationship; let’s now explore the relationship between Christ and
God.

We can summarize the relationship between Jesus and God the Father with four
words:

·Unity: Jesus says, "I and the father are one." (John 10:30)

·Cooperation: ’But Jesus answered them, "My Father is still working, and I also
am working."’ (John 5:17) ·Honor: "Glorify your Son so that the Son may glorify
you." (John 17:1)

·Submission: "For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the
will of him who sent me." (John 6:38) We might summarize the relationship this
way:

·Identity as to nature, ·Cooperation as to work, ·Honor as to person, and
·Submission as to final decisions.

These four categories hold for the headship relationship between husbands and
wives. The marriage partners are essentially one, they cooperate to achieve a
common goal, they honor and respect each other, and the wife submits to the
husband with regard to final decisions.

Conclusion of Submission and Headship in Marriage Consider this military analogy
that helps to clarify the headship relationship between husband and wife:

Imagine a nation fighting a war. Two army corps are fighting in separate
locations, under two generals of the same rank. The enemy is massing in one
location, so the commander-in-chief instructs the two army corps to come
together to engage the enemy. In such a situation, the commander-in-chief must
name one of the two as commanding general of the engagement. The other must
submit to the leadership of the commanding general. Now, the commanding general,
if he is wise, will honor and respect the other general, and will seek his
counsel. He will listen to his subordinate’s advice, especially to that
general’s assessment of the qualities and capabilities of the units under his
command. Indeed, any good subordinate general must offer advice. Ideally the two
generals will agree on an overall plan for the engagement; it is possible for
them to conduct the entire battle without the question of submission arising.
But if they do not agree on a plan, in the end the commanding general must
assume responsibility and decide on the course of action to be taken. The
subordinate general must submit - even if he is convinced that the chosen course
is a mistake. Why should he submit? Not because the commanding general is
smarter, wiser, or more senior than he, although he may be; not because the
commanding general’s plan is superior to his, although it may be; but he submits
because the commander-in-chief, with the good of the country in mind, has placed
him under the command of his fellow general. What happens if the subordinate
general disobeys orders, and tries to carry out his own plan? The two corps will
act in an uncoordinated fashion, and then the enemy is likely to defeat the two
parts of the army one by one, leading to disaster for the country. This is the
true meaning of submission and headship. There is no implied difference in worth
or ability - just as the two generals may have been of the same rank and skill.
Instead, submission implies that one person voluntarily agrees to follow the
leadership of another for the good of everyone concerned. Just as Jesus and God
the Father are equal, but Jesus submits to his Father, just as Jesus was
superior to his parents but submitted to them, the wife submits to her husband.
Thus, submission for the wife means that she willingly acknowledges the headship
of her husband over her, and has confidence in God that He has set this
authority over her for her own good. Headship for the husband means that he
respects and listens to his wife, that he sacrifices his own good for her good,
and that he takes responsibility for making decisions that will build up the
family and glorify God. The military analogy is useful in many ways, but fails
to bring out the fundamental differences between men and women, and the reasons
why God has chosen men to serve as heads. These differences arise in the next
area of our concern, the perfection of the marriage partners.


========================================================================
  CHAPTER 9: 09 PERFECTION OF EACH OTHER IN CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
========================================================================

The Perfection of Each Other in Christian Marriage

We have examined three areas in which the relationship of Christ and the church
parallels the relationship of husband to wife: Unity, love, and
headship/submission. The fourth and last area deals with the perfection of the
husband and wife as a result of the marriage relationship. As Christ perfects
the church, the husband perfects the wife and, we will suggest, the wife
perfects the husband. This, indeed, is the purpose of the husband’s headship.

We will examine this issue by considering what type of perfection we are
discussing, and then how the husband perfects the wife, and vice versa.

Recall verses 25 and 26 of our passage:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself
up for her; that He might sanctify her.

Christ loved the church for a purpose: to sanctify her, to put her to her proper
use, to allow her to fulfill her potential.

What is the parallel with husbands and wives? How does the husband perfect the
wife?

First, note that nowhere does the Bible say that the husband is the spiritual
head of the wife. No, Christ is the spiritual head of the wife and Christ is the
spiritual head of the husband. All of us are the bride of Christ; he is our
husband spiritually, our head. Christ will perfect us spiritually through his
love. For married men and women, Christ will use our spouse in the process of
perfecting us, but He, not our spouse, is our spiritual head. But the husband is
the head of the wife as a human - as man to woman. We perfect each other in our
maleness and femaleness through the marriage relationship. Through marriage, we
become the men and women that God intends us to be. The Nature of Maleness and
Femaleness In order to discuss this point, we need to consider the purposes of
men and women in creation. Why does God make man the head of the woman? In 1
Corinthians 11:1-34, Paul says that the reason goes back to creation. So let us
examine the first three chapters of Genesis to see what we can learn about
maleness and femaleness. First, consider Genesis 1:26-27 :

Then God said, let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule
over the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all
the creatures that move along the ground. So God created man in his own image;
in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. In the
first sentence, God says He will make man in His image and likeness - and then
immediately says that they will rule. One aspect of God’s image found in humans,
therefore, is their authority and ability to rule. Then, verse 27 says, twice,
that God created man in His own image, concluding that He made them male and
female. Somehow, this maleness and femaleness is related to our being created in
His image. We suggest that our ability to be in relationship is the key issue
here. We as males and females become one, creating a unity in diversity that
reflects what is found in the Trinity itself.

Thus, our being created in God’s image means, in part at least, that we are
created to rule, and that we are created to be in relationship. Now consider the
account of the creation of man and woman found in chapter 2.

7 the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his
nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature. . . 15 The
LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.
. . . 18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I
will make him a helper fit for him.". . . 21So the LORD God caused a deep sleep
to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its
place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he
made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, "This at
last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man." 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and
his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And
the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (ESV) This is all we
know about man and woman in God’s perfect creation. The very next verse
describes the temptation that leads to the fall. So what can we discern from
these verses?

First of all, note the relationship between Adam and Eve. The man and woman were
in a perfectly intimate relationship. There was no hiding, there were no
barriers between them. The man is to "hold fast" to his wife. This Hebrew word
-- traditionally translated "cleave" -- is not a sexual term. In several places
in the Old Testament the same word is used commanding the Israelites to "hold
fast" to God. It signifies the unity of man and wife, the degree of commitment
and bonding between them. The next phrase -- becoming one flesh -- is clearly
sexual in part, but as we have seen in our discussion of unity, it refers also
to a deep unity between them.

Second, what does this passage tell us of the differences between man and woman
in the perfect created order? There is no definitive anthropology here, but
there are several intriguing hints. We would like to propose that this passage
suggests that man is primarily functional in orientation while woman is
primarily relational in orientation. What do we mean by "functional" and
"relational?" Man is functional because he receives his greatest satisfaction
from performing a task or accomplishing a deed. Woman is relational because she
receives her greatest satisfaction from building relationships. There are at
least three hints or clues that suggest this conclusion:

HINT 1:What material is used to create the man and the woman? Man is made of an
inanimate substance -- dust -- while woman is made from part of another person,
living flesh.

HINT 2: What tasks are they assigned? For what purpose was each of them created?
In verse 15, man is put in the garden to "work" or "serve" it, and to "take care
of", “keep”, “guard,” or "watch over" it. It is interesting to note that man was
created to "serve" the creation. This word - translated "work" in the NIV and
ESV - is the same word that God uses when he speaks through Moses to Pharaoh
saying "Let my people go that they may serve me in the desert." Though created
to rule, man’s relationship to creation is not domineering, but one of tending,
serving, and guarding.

What is the task of the woman? She is created, according to verse 18, as a
"helper” “fit” or “suitable" for the man. The word translated "helper" is used
most often as a military term; "ally" is a possible translation (see Ezekiel
30:8). But in the Old Testament the word often refers to God, frequently coupled
with "shield" -- "My help and my shield" (see, for example, Psalms 115:9-11).
Psalms 121:1-8 includes these well-known opening verses that shed some light on
the meaning of the word:

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does myhelpcome? 2 Myhelpcomes from
the LORD, who made heaven and earth. The Psalmist looks up at the hills in fear,
knowing that his enemy could come in large numbers over those hills at any time.
Where are his allies? From where can he seek military assistance? His ally is
the Lord, the creator Himself - so he need not fear.

Although there is a clear difference in importance between the Lord and us, like
our word “ally,” this Hebrew word need not imply any difference in importance
between man and woman. Instead of a difference in importance, what we have seen
so far suggests that the difference is in focus. Man’s focus tends to be on the
created order, the very stuff of which he was created - he rules over it, serves
it, guards it; woman’s focus tends to be on the very stuff of which she was
created - on other people, particularly on being the ally and helper of her
husband.

HINT 3: For our third hint, turn to chapter 3 and the results of the fall. As
you read, note that the results of the fall for each are frustration and pain in
their primary area of focus: relationships for the woman, the created order for
the man. Begin reading in verse 16: To the woman he said, "I will greatly
increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." To Adam he
said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I
commanded you, ’You must not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you;
thru painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce
thorns and thistles for you and you will eat the plants of the field. By the
sweat of your brow you will eat the food until you return to the ground, since
from it you were taken. For dust you are, and to dust you will return." (Genesis
3:16-19NIV)

Let’s consider the woman first. As a result of her sin, she will experience
frustration and difficulty in her family relationships, both with her children
and with her husband. The phrase "your desire will be for your husband" is
talking not about sexual desire but about the desire to dominate and control.
Note that God uses the same phraseology in speaking to Cain in chapter 4 verse
7: "Sin is crouching at the door; it desires to have you, but you must master
it." This interpretation is supported by the next phrase -- "yet he will rule
over you." The woman will experience frustration in her marriage, in which she
will desire to dominate and control her husband, but in the end he will dominate
and rule over her. Now, have we seen the word "rule" used with regard to the man
and the woman prior to this? No. Man’s rule over woman is a result of the fall,
part of the frustration that woman experiences after that event. This is not a
command to man -- "you shall rule." We do not find the husband commanded to rule
over his wife in Ephesians 5:1-33 or anywhere else in the Bible. This is a
tragic and painful result of the fall, an implication for fallen marriages, not
a prescription for the ideal Christian marriage.

What about the results of the fall for man? His frustration, his toil, is with
respect to the created order, the ground. Thus, if this functional/relational
difference between man and woman is correct, God points out to each of them that
their sin will hurt them in the very area they care about the most. This is the
essence of sin; we hurt and destroy what we love and want most. In conclusion
for this section, let me emphasize that these functional/relational differences
between men and women are differences on a continuum; relationships and function
are both important to all of us. Each of us is at a different point on the
continuum; the differences between men and women are true in general, not
necessarily for every two individuals. I encourage you to reflect on your own
experience, and see if this perspective makes sense in understanding yourself
and members of the opposite sex. Most of all, I encourage you to search the
Scriptures to see if these things are true, to dig more deeply into this and
other passages in order to figure out what God tells us about differences
between men and women.

How Do We Perfect Each Other?

Given this understanding of the nature of men and women, how do we perfect each
other in our maleness and femaleness? One husband, when hearing that he should
play a role in perfecting his wife, said, "I’ve been trying to perfect her for
years; whenever she does something wrong, I scold her for being wrong, and then
I tell her how to do it right!" Of course, that is not what God intends. Let us
consider some of the wrong ways to perfect our spouses. We will not perfect our
spouses by:

·Having a critical attitude towards them.

·Being silent about their faults.

·Comparing them to others.

·Nagging them (A woman once asked her husband to define nagging. He said, "When
you tell me once, that’s a suggestion; when you tell me a second time, that’s a
reminder; when you tell me a third time, that’s nagging.") ·Manipulating them,
bribing them with affection or other favors.

If these methods are not the proper ways to fulfill the command, how are we
supposed to perfect our husbands and wives? Paul tells us in our core passage,
Ephesians 5:22-33. Fundamentally, the wife perfects the husband by respecting
him, and the husband perfects the wife by loving her (verse 33).

Let’s consider the wife’s respect for her husband first. We’ll look at four
aspects of her respect.

(1) A wife perfects her husband by making her respect for him obvious. A man is
freed to love his wife when he knows that she respects him. Without that
confidence, truly giving of oneself sacrificially is incredibly frightening, as
one is open and laid bare before her. So it is easier for me to love Beth if I
have confidence in her respect. Indeed, the best way to get your husband to love
you is to ensure that he knows you respect him. A disagreement over what action
to take, followed by the wife’s gracious submission to her husband, as she
states that she trusts his judgment and will follow his lead, shows clearly that
she respects him. That is why Peter writes: In the same way, you wives, be
submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to
the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives (1 Peter
3:1). Do you see how the perfecting is taking place? God intends for the man to
love his wife - that is the man’s ideal role in Christian marriage. The wife
helps her husband to live up to that role, she perfects him as a man, when she
respects him in all ways. So submission and respect are not just right for wives
because they are commanded; obedience in these areas leads to the man becoming
what God intended him to be.

(2) A wife perfects her husband by making HIM her head.

It is very tempting for woman to set up some other man as her head: A pastor,
her father, or a Christian teacher. In such cases, the wife will say or think
things like, “Why can’t my husband be more like so-and-so?” Wives, God chose
your husband especially for you. You can learn from other men, but always
remember that your husband is your head, not any other man. This is most
difficult for the wife when her husband is making bad decisions; it is
especially hard when he is not a Christian. Yet, in setting up the man’s
headship, God is promising to the wife that He will work for her good through
her husband. Even if the husband errs, even when he makes a bad decision, the
wife’s submission honors God, and He will redeem that decision. This is walking
by faith and not by sight - the very essence of the Christian life.

Once again, if the husband feels that his wife looks up to other men more than
himself, he will be reluctant to love her sacrificially. Her respect for him and
trust in him - particularly in the functional aspects of their marriage and home
- free him from the fear that she will second-guess his decisions and criticize
him. He is also more likely in such cases to be willing to delegate
responsibility to her in areas where she may be capable and gifted, knowing that
she will not use that opportunity to try to take over more and more of the
matters of the home. Once again, the husband becomes more and more what God
intends men to be through the wife clearly making the husband her head.

(3) A wife perfects her husband by communicating with him. As the military
analogy shows, submission does not mean silence, it does not mean simply
agreeing without discussing. Consider again the relationship between Christ and
the church. The church is to submit completely to Christ. But God wants us to
tell him everything! Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by
prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Php
4:6) Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

Just so, there should be open communication from wife to husband. This too leads
to his perfection as a man. By himself, he is not able to discern his wife’s
needs and desires; he will not know how best to nourish and cherish her. Given
her particular stress on relationships, she is likely to have insights and
strong feelings about matters regarding children, friends, church members, and
family members. Note that her talking about such matters is good not only for
the wife, but also for the husband. Now, this communication needs to be
respectful, and, as with our prayers to the Lord, in final decisions she must
yield her own will. But communication concerning her thoughts, desires, and
dreams is one way she perfects her husband.

(4) A wife perfects her husband by discerning his desires. With their functional
orientation, many men find it hard to talk about their inner selves. A wife
performs a great service for her husband when she studies him and learns about
him, so that she understands his goals and desires, even when he does not state
them explicitly. She can then assist him in the accomplishment of his goals,
without his asking her directly to do so. Then her husband knows that she is
truly his ally, his helper intent on aiding him in the accomplishment of his
goals. Once again, in most cases this will lead to his responding by loving her
more and more, as he appreciates her help. Thus he becomes what God intends him
to be.

Now let’s turn our attention to husbands. Fundamentally, the husband perfects
the wife by loving her. As in the case of the wife, the husband frees the wife
to respect him by loving her. When we discussed love in marriage, we noted the
words used of Christ and the church: love her, cleanse her, nourish her, care
for her. How do these ideas and our understanding of the nature of maleness and
femaleness translate into practical lessons for ways the husband’s love perfects
the wife as a woman? We will consider four ways the husband perfects his wife by
working to build up their relationship.

(1) The husband perfects his wife by giving her time. As we have seen, women in
general put a high emphasis on relationships. Husbands need to note this, and
must take care not to let work, recreation, or ministry opportunities crowd out
time with their wives. You cannot love your wife sacrificially, you cannot build
a relationship with your wife, without spending time with her.

(2) The husband perfects his wife by speaking to her.

Time spent together must include discussion. Christ communicates to the church
through His word, and husbands must communicate to their wives by using words!
Husbands, how many times in the evenings do you answer your wife’s questions
with grunts? Again, since men are primarily functional in orientation, this can
be difficult. Nevertheless, a loving husband will force himself to talk, even
when he does not feel like it. This can include speaking about seemingly trivial
matters as well as sharing with her your hopes and dreams. Talk!

(3) The husband perfects his wife by listening to her.

Time spent together must also include listening. Husbands, listen when your wife
speaks to you even about unimportant issues. Seek out your wife’s opinion on
important matters. Now, her submission and respect free you to do this. Many men
do not seek out their wives’ opinions because they want to avoid fights and
disagreements. If, in the past, differences of opinion on important matters have
led to fights, the man has every incentive to make those decisions on his own
without discussion. When the man knows that his wife respects him, when he knows
that even if she disagrees in the end she will accept his decision, he is much
freer to seek her advice and listen to it. This is the beauty of God’s plan for
headship and submission. And as he listens to her, she gains confidence in his
love and care, thus freeing her to respect him and submit to him.

These first three ways work together to assure your wife that you love her. And
as she comes to trust more and more in your love and in the quality of your
relationship, she becomes more like the perfect, spotless bride that God intends
her to be.

(4) The husband perfects his wife by taking care of her needs.

Here the husband’s functional orientation can help him to show love to his wife,
thus meeting her relational needs. Think about what she needs, about what would
help her, both in her day-to-day work and in her spiritual life. Pray about
those needs, and be creative in finding ways to please her and build her up. Be
fully conscious of her failings and weaknesses, and help her to avoid situations
that will cause her to stumble as a result of those weaknesses. When she does
stumble, continue to take care of her needs: avoid condemning her, or irritating
her, or getting annoyed with her, but instead, forgive her and seek to build her
up. When we marry, we marry a whole person - beauty and ugliness, successes and
failures. Our wives need to know that we love them unconditionally, and that we
are here not to berate and condemn, but to help them to become what God intends
them to be. And as we do so, our wives will become more and more like the wife
of the ideal Christian marriage.


========================================================================
  CHAPTER 10: 10 RESULTS OF CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
========================================================================

Results of Christian Marriage So we have seen that husband and wife display the
unity, love, headship/submission, and perfection that we find in the
relationship between Christ and the church. When a man and a woman live out
these truths, when their marriage becomes what God intends it to be, what is the
result? We will highlight four results.

First, the husband shows his inner character by what his wife becomes. Just as
Christ’s character is displayed in the glory of the church, so a husband’s
character is displayed through the person his wife becomes. Remember verse 27 of
our passage? Jesus sanctifies and cleanses the church so that

He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or
wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.

He presents to himself the church. A loving husband will be able to present to
himself his wife in all her glory, set apart for him, perfect in her womanhood.
After many years of marriage, she will be a woman at peace, a women who responds
lovingly to him in every way. And it will be apparent to all that this man is a
man of love.

Second, the wife shows her character by what her husband becomes.Proverbs
31:10-31 makes this clear. This section begins,

10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. 11 The
heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She
does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. The excellent wife has an
impact on her husband’s life: he is at peace, trusting in her, lacking nothing.
He continually benefits because of what she is.

Verses 13 to 23 detail the various types of work she does. The result is
recorded in verse 24:

23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.

She contributes to her husband becoming a respected elder of the people, because
of who she is, because her husband is able to trust her and rely upon her. He
recognizes his debt to her, and honors her above all women:

28b Her husband . . . praises her: 29 "Many women have done excellently, but you
surpass them all." But the praise is not limited to her husband. Others also
will recognize that the husband’s success and character are due in large measure
to the character of his wife:

30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to
be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her
in the gates.

Third, a Christian marriage testifies to the truth and power of the gospel.

Jesus says, "By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you . . ."
what? If you have love one for another. This is true of all Christians, but it
is especially true of marriage. The truth of the gospel is manifested when those
outside the church:

·See the tenderness a husband and wife have for each other after decades of
marriage, ·See the mutual regard husband and wife have for each other, ·See an
example of godly headship and submission, ·See the true, essential unity of
Christian marriage.

Living out a Christian marriage is a tremendous witness, a tremendous testimony
to the power of God, particularly in today’s culture. Martyn Lloyd-Jones put it
this way: "There is no greater recommendation to the truth and power of the
Christian faith than a Christian husband and wife, a Christian marriage, a
Christian home."

Fourth, a Christian marriage grows over time. For many marriages, the first
joyous months are the apex. Everything is downhill after that. But a truly
Christian marriage will grow and grow as each partner perfects the other. We
need to ask ourselves continually:

·How can I come closer to loving my wife as Christ loved church?

·How can I show respect to and honor my husband, as the church does to Christ?

·How can I build up my wife, or my husband?

Conclusion Do you want to give your husband or wife a gift? The greatest gift
you could possibly give to your spouse would be to commit to living out your
role as a Christian wife or a Christian husband by the power of the Spirit.

Let me emphasize those last five words: "By the power of the Spirit." Because if
you are like me, you husbands are thinking that you cannot possibly love your
wife like Christ loved the church. And you women are thinking that you cannot
possibly submit to your husbands in everything. I assure you, all of us struggle
with this. Jesus tells us to be perfect as he is perfect. And not one of us is
perfect. But God has promised that His people will become perfect -- He will
change us and mold us into Christlikeness. Count on that!

Satan will try to say one of two things:

"You’re doing well enough in your marriage, at least better than most others;
don’t be fanatical about this -- you don’t need to change anything." But I tell
you, don’t be satisfied with a marriage that is less than perfect. Examine
yourself. If you are failing to live up to these ideals, confess this to God,
and ask Him to change you. Or Satan might say, "It’s no use. If you could start
over, maybe you could make this marriage work. But given your spouse, given all
that has happened in your marriage, there is no hope." This is a pack of lies.
Now, by yourselves you cannot change the habits of relating to each other you
have created. "Apart from me you can do nothing." If you try to change depending
on your own natural resources, you will fail. But, remember! We began this
course with an overview of the truths in this great book of Ephesians:

·You ARE raised with Christ, you are seated with him in the heavenlies!

·You ARE LIGHT; You CAN walk as children of Light!

·You can be FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT!

All this is true. By conscious, continual dependence on the Spirit within you,
you can forgive your spouse, you can change old, negative patterns of relating
to each other; you can live out the ideal Christian marriage. So let us learn to
walk by the Spirit in our marriages, imitating the relationship between Christ
and the church.

Husbands, love your wives.

Wives, respect and submit to your husbands.


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  CHAPTER 11: 11 ATTITUDE TOWARDS CHILDREN
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Attitude towards children:

What are children? How should we consider them? The Scriptures suggest four
ideas:

First, that children are a GIFT FROM GOD. Consider these verses:

Psalms 127:3Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a
reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s
youth. 5 How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

Genesis 33:5Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. "Who are these
with you?" he asked. Jacob answered, "They are the children God has graciously
given your servant."

Psalms 128:1Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in his ways! 2 You
shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it
shall be well with you. 3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your
house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. 4 Behold, thus
shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD.

Since children are a gift, it is clear that we must not expect every marriage to
be blessed by them. Children are not the purpose for marriage. Every marriage is
to be characterized by love, unity, headship/submission, and perfection of each
other, but not every marriage will produce children.

Also, if children are a gift from God, clearly they are not a curse. At some
point - after struggling with rebellion or disobedience or crying - probably
every parent feels his children are a curse. But the Bible clearly teaches that
they are blessings, given to us in part for our benefit. The second idea
suggested by Scripture is that children are LOVED BY GOD:

Mark 10:13People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them,
but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He
said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for
the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who
will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." 16
And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.
The disciples thought Jesus was too busy to deal with children. They thought
they were protecting him from distractions by keeping the children away. But
Jesus is deeply angered by their action. He loved the children, and wanted to
take them in his arms and bless them. Indeed, He holds up the children as
examples for all of us, saying that we must receive God’s kingdom with the
wonder, trust, and straightforwardness of a child. The third idea suggested by
Scripture is that CHILDREN ARE ENTRUSTED TO US, THEY DO NOT BELONG TO US. As we
have seen, children are gifts put into our care, but they are not our property.
Consider this verse:

Isaiah 43:1But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who
formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by
name, you are mine.

‘You are mine!’ God says this over all of creation, over all of humanity: ‘You
are mine!’ Our children belong to God, not to us. We receive them as gifts and
keep them in our homes for a few years; God blesses us through them in many
ways; but they belong neither to us nor to our parents; they belong to God. We
are stewards over them, with responsibilities to care for them, to cherish them,
and to bring them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. But they do not
belong to us. The fourth idea suggested by Scripture is that CHILDREN ARE
SINFUL; they are neither a blank slate, ready to become good or bad, nor are
they basically good. David writes:

Psalms 51:5Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother
conceived me. This is very important to remember. Although God gives these
precious little ones to us as gifts, although they are blessings to us, they are
not good. Like every human born in the normal way, every child inherits the
sinfulness of our entire race. Without any encouragement from others, they will
show pride, self-will, jealousy, anger, covetousness and every other sin. Left
to themselves, they will show clearly their fallenness. So children are a
precious gift from God, loved by Him and entrusted to our care for a period of
time. But they, like all of us, are by nature children of wrath; they are
infected with sin, and need godly upbringing to teach them the ways of the Lord.

How are we to treat these children? WE ARE TO TREAT CHILDREN THE WAY GOD TREATS
US. Again and again the Bible uses the picture of a family to describe our
relationship to God. God is our father, we are His children; we are brothers and
sisters in Christ; we are heirs of God; He disciplines us the way a father
disciplines his children. So we are to pattern our relationship to our children
after God’s relationship to His people.

How does this work in practice? Luke 2:52 says that Jesus grew in wisdom and in
stature, and in favor with God and men. We’ll use this as an outline of parents’
responsibilities toward their children: First, we’ll consider how we help our
children to grow in wisdom and in favor with God as they learn of God’s love,
God’s Word, and their need for Him. Second, we’ll examine how we help them grow
in favor with men, as we train them in knowing how to relate to others, and in
good habits of life. Finally, we will look at how we help them grow in stature,
providing care and nourishment for them.


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  CHAPTER 12: 12 GROWING IN WISDOM AND IN FAVOR WITH GOD
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Growing in Wisdom and in Favor with God The Bible is very clear about the
parents’ responsibility to teach children the ways of the Lord. Consider these
verses:

Deuteronomy 6:4Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 Love the
LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when
you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as
symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the
doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Proverbs 22:6Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will
not turn from it.

Ephesians 6:4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in
the training and instruction (or “admonition”) of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become
discouraged.

Genesis 18:19For I have chosen him, that he may command his children and his
household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and
justice, so that the LORD may bring to Abraham what he has promised him." In
Deuteronomy 6:1-25, the Israelites are commanded to impress God’s commands on
their children. This is not an option that only a few especially spiritual
parents are supposed to do, but a command to all of the people. And when are
they to do this? Do you see the point of verses 7 to 9? They are to use all the
normal activities of life as opportunities for teaching their children about
God. Getting up in the morning and going to bed at night; walking or sitting;
going into your house or out your gate; in every case you are to be discussing
the things of the Lord with your children.

Note that this command is given to parents,notto the church. Certainly all of
the Israelite community should be anxious to help each family raise its
children, and certainly in the church today there are ways that we can help each
other. But the primary responsibility for training children in the ways of the
Lord falls upon the parents. If your children are not learning the Bible, if
they are not learning the gospel message, if they are becoming disobedient and
opposed to the things of the Lord, the responsibility to correct and train them
lies not with the church but with you as parents. When should we begin to train
our children in the ways of the Lord? Early, when they are still infants. Note
these verses:

Proverbs 4:3When I was a boy in my father’s house, still tender, and an only
child of my mother, 4 he taught me and said, "Lay hold of my words with all your
heart; keep my commands and you will live.

2 Timothy 3:15and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are
able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

Timothy know the Scriptures as an infant; the author of the proverb was taught
when a young boy. By beginning very early, we impress our children when they are
most impressionable with devotion to the Lord, delight in God’s character,
reverence for the Word, and love for God’s people.

What methods should we use to accomplish this? How can we go about teaching our
children? First and foremost, we must be good examples ourselves. Consider:

Jeremiah 32:38They will be my people, and I will be their God. 39 I will give
them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their
own good and the good of their children after them.

Singleness of heart and action leads to fear of the Lord, which is of benefit to
the people themselves AND to their children. When you are devoted to the Lord,
when you treasure Him above everything in heaven and earth, when you are focused
on Him and delighting to do His will, your children will see and learn. And they
will receive great blessings from your example. But teaching by example, as
important as it is, is not enough. We must also actively teach the Word to our
children. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 again is very helpful: in every circumstance of our
family life, we are to bring out the relevant truths of God’s Word. This implies
having times of family devotion together; praying together; talking more
informally about the Lord as circumstances warrant; and reading good books
together that illustrate spiritual truths. The specific methods we use are
likely to vary somewhat with the ages of our children. Even when they are
infants, we can sing to them, pray over them (particularly when putting them to
bed), and keep them near us as we read the Bible and pray ourselves. When
children are a little older and able to walk around, we can teach them simple
songs and encourage them to take part in family devotions. They are quite able
to memorize Scripture at this age, particularly Scriptures set to music.
Although they will usually have a difficult time sitting still, train them to do
so - initially for short periods of time - while you read the Bible, and
emphasize the importance of their paying attention. Tell Bible stories to them
with expression and animation, showing them by your attitude that the Bible is
interesting and exciting. Be consistent in setting aside some time each day, and
show the child your own delight in the Lord. As children reach primary school
age, times of reading the Bible can become longer. We have read through the
entire Bible together over about 18 months of family devotions with children as
young as 6 and 7. Sometimes it is helpful to provide paper and a pen, and
encourage the children to draw a picture relevant to the story while you are
reading. Encourage the children to ask questions, and take the time to explain
difficult passages. Also, as soon as they are able to read, give them the gift
of a Bible and encourage them to read short sections by themselves. As they grow
and mature, encourage their regular reading according to a reading plan, and
have them read aloud sections of Scripture during family devotions. Make use of
a good program of Scripture Memorization. Psalms 119:11 says “I have hidden your
word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” The memorized Word is
powerful in many ways, and children are better able than adults to memorize
quickly when even a small amount of time is set aside for this purpose daily. In
general, during these years we want to develop a delight and joy in God, a basic
understanding of the thrust of the teaching of Scripture, and a growing hunger
for the Word. As the Psalmist says, Psalms 119:103How sweet are your words to my
taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

Psalms 119:16I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word. That is
the attitude we want to engender in our children: to delight in God’s Word, to
find it sweet, and to desire to know it better and better.

Finally, pray for your children. First, pray for their salvation earnestly.
Study them carefully, knowing what is going on in their lives, the trials they
face and the struggles they have. Understand what strengths and weaknesses each
child has, praying that they might grow in specific ways. See what sins they are
prey to, and help them to avoid situations that lead them in to temptation. You
can be the means of great spiritual growth in your children, through your
leadership, example, teaching, and prayer. Serve them faithfully, and trust that
God will work through you for the salvation and growth of these precious gifts.


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  CHAPTER 13: 13 GROWING IN FAVOR WITH MEN
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Growing in Favor with Men

We encourage you to spend considerable time in a study of the book of Proverbs
as it relates to child rearing. Many of the proverbs are instructions from a
father to his son. Indeed, the word “son” appears more than 50 times in the
book. The overall idea is captured well in 6:20-22:

20 My son, observe the commandment of your father And do not forsake the
teaching of your mother; 21 Bind them continually on your heart; Tie them around
your neck. 22 When you walk about, they will guide you; When you sleep, they
will watch over you; And when you awake, they will talk to you. The parents here
have provided their son with commandments to guide his walk and to instruct him
in all circumstances of his life. Using words that remind us of Deuteronomy
6:1-25, the father instructs his son to keep these commandments before him
continually. Surely, many of these commands relate to spiritual life, as we have
already discussed. But a quick survey of Proverbs shows clearly that much of
this instruction concerns relating to other men, growing in favor with them,
helping us learn how to ensure that our children are a blessing to others. For
example, 20:11 says:

Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.

We want our children to be known as those whose conduct is pure and right, whose
character is noble, whose behavior is commendable, who are blessings to others.
We want our children to be good citizens, to contribute to the general welfare
of the community, to take their places as valuable members of society.

How do we accomplish this? First of all, we must ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR
TRAINING OUR CHILDREN IN PRACTICAL LIFE SKILLS. Education and other forms of
training are in the end the parents’ responsibility. We as parents may delegate
some of the teaching responsibilities to schools, but WE must ensure that the
schools are doing their job well, and supplement the teaching of the schools
with extra help to fill in whatever gaps remain. Even a parent who has not been
highly educated can help children with schoolwork. Many schools do an abysmal
job of teaching basic reading skills and arithmetic. If your 10-year-old child
has been in school but cannot read well or do basic arithmetic operations, the
responsibility is yours to teach him. This is an important part of helping your
child to grow in favor with men (in addition, reading is a vital skill for
growing in wisdom, as we cannot read the Bible unless we are able to read well).

Second, we must SPEND CONSIDERABLE TIME WITH OUR CHILDREN. Proverbs 22:6 tells
us:

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart
from it.

Children are different from each other; the way one should go may not be the way
another should go. We need to be able to discern the gifts, skills, and
personalities of each of our children so that we can help each in his particular
way to grow in favor with men.

We can spend time together in work (10:4 Lazy hands make a man poor, but
diligent hands bring wealth) and in play, enjoying our time together. All of
these times help us to develop proper habits in our children: respect for
elders, courtesy for others, diligence in work, appropriate speech (10:19 When
words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise), and
responsibility in actions.

Third, we must TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO OBEY AUTHORITY. And we parents are the
first authority they must learn to obey. You all have memorized Ephesians 6:1-3,
where children are instructed to obey their parents in the Lord. Other passages
teach the same:

Colossians 3:20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the
Lord.

Exodus 20:12Honor your father and your mother

Proverbs 30:17The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother,
will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures.

Children need to understand that parents are the authority in their lives, that
obedience is not optional, but the command of God Himself. Like all of God’s
commands, these commands are for their good, and will lead to their growing in
favor with men.

Training a child in obedience should start very early. For example, even a very
young child can be taught not to touch certain things. We can help the child
obey by moving most objects he might damage or that might hurt him out of his
reach. But when he touches something forbidden, quietly but firmly say No and
move the child away. From the earliest time, parents should be firm and
consistent. Our yes should be yes, and our no, no. This is absolutely vital.
Even a very young child will quickly learn if you mean what you say. Again and
again, we have seen parents tell a child something and not follow through.
Imagine this scene:

“Lydia, put down that bowl.” Baby Lydia continues to play with the bowl. Mother,
louder: “Lydia, I said put down that bowl!” Baby Lydia continues to play with
the bowl. “Lydia, if you don’t put down that bowl, I will spank you!” At this
point, Lydia puts that bowl on her head like a hat, and smiles at her mother.
Her mother thinks she is cute, and smiles back - then another child comes into
the room, and the mother forgets all about the bowl.

Baby Lydia has now learned that she need not obey her mother - she just needs to
persist in what she is doing, looking cute if she can, and her mother will
likely become distracted and forget about the command. Such interactions lead to
persistent disobedience in older children. But this brings up another point.
While we must mean “no” when we say “no”, we must limit the number of times we
give commands and prohibit actions. We don’t want to discourage our children, or
make them feel like everything they desire is forbidden. We must limit our
commands and restrictions to a few important areas - and then enforce those
commands faithfully. The goal of discipline is not the break the child’s will
and force your will on her - “I’m bigger and I’m stronger so I can make you do
what I want!” - but to train the will so that the child chooses to do what is
right. God’s discipline works the same way. Once we belong to Him He trains us
and encourages us to choose what is right. Consider these verses:

Proverbs 22:15Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of
discipline will drive it far from him.

Hebrews 12:11For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant,
but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been
trained by it.

Proverbs 19:18Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a
willing party to his death.

Removing the folly from the heart hurts, but discipline leads to hope of change
in the future - and not just a change in behavior but a change in the desires of
the heart.

One aspect of discipline is showing that choices have consequences. One way to
do this is to allow the child to suffer the natural consequences of her actions,
when those consequences are not dangerous. Touching a hot cup of tea and hurting
her finger; pulling a cat’s tail and receiving a scratch - allowing these minor
hurts can provide valuable lessons on the consequences of actions.

Some actions have logical consequences that we as parents have to enforce. A
child who spills tea should have to clean it up; if she breaks something, she
should be required to fix it or replace it. But some actions require punishment
other than the natural or logical consequences of the action. This, too, is an
important aspect of discipline. In some cases, the best form of punishment is
simply separation, particularly when the child has been showing off,
interrupting, or in other ways trying to draw attention to herself. Separation
gives the child time to calm down, time to think about her action before the
parent comes and discusses the problem.

Physical punishment, however, has a clear role in the discipline of children,
primarily when a child disobeys a clear, unequivocal command. Proverbs 13:24 is
well-known:

Proverbs 13:24He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is
careful to discipline him.

Even Psalms 23:1-6 includes the words, “your rod and your staff, they comfort
me.” The word translated “rod” is the same as in Proverbs 14:24. The shepherd
uses the rod and the staff to guide and correct wandering sheep, keeping them
with the flock. The rod might hurt at times, but in the end it is a comfort, as
the sheep knows it keeps him in the place of safety.

Although physical punishment is necessary, in our observation it is often
misused in Cameroon (and in the US). Not only can this misuse harm the child, it
can also defeat the purpose of the discipline. So we offer these guidelines for
the use of “the rod”:

1) NEVER PUNISH YOUR CHILD PHYSICALLY WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY. Such situations, of
course, are when we most want to punish the child physically. But that is just
the point. In order for physical punishment to be effective in training the
child in the way he should go, the parent must be setting a good example of
mature behavior. A parent who lashes out in anger and smacks his child is not
showing self-discipline or self-control. He instead is teaching the child that
the bigger, stronger person can do what he wants.

Thus, a parent must calm down and judge the situation clearly before deciding on
physical punishment. Separation may be important in order to allow this to
happen. In our own case, often once we have calmed down we choose not to
administer physical punishment. Furthermore, if we err and hit our child in
anger, we must admit this before the child, and seek forgiveness. Matthew
5:24-25, though written about a brother, surely holds also for a child: If we
remember that our child has something against us, let us stop whatever we are
doing and seek forgiveness from that child.

2) DO NOT NAG YOUR CHILD, CONSTANTLY CORRECTING AND THREATENING HIM. One expert
on corporate management teaches that a good leader gives three words of
encouragement for every word of correction. That is not a bad guideline for the
home. As noted above, Colossians 3:21 tells us not to embitter our children, or
they will become discouraged. If we are always telling our children, “Don’t do
this!” “Stop doing that!” the end will be discouragement. If instead the general
atmosphere in the home is one of grace for past sins, love for the present, and
encouragement for the future, the few times of punishment will be effective at
changing the most important areas needing correction.

3) TAKE CARE WITH YOUR WORDS. We can cause considerable harm to our children by
the use of careless, harsh words. As James tells us in chapter 3, the tongue can
set on fire the entire course of a person’s life. And this can happen even if
the words themselves are not harmful. We can hurt as much by the tone of our
voice as by the words themselves. In Ephesians 4:29, Paul tells us: Do not let
any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for
building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who
listen.

We do not benefit our children by angry, scolding words said in a harsh tone of
voice. All our words - words of love as well as words of discipline - should aim
at building up our children, so that they might become blameless and pure
children of God. In sum, when we educate our children, spend time with them,
build them up, and discipline them lovingly and effectively, we lay the
groundwork for a life ahead that will earn the favor of men. Such a life will be
an effective witness of the grace of God - and also will bring great joy to the
parents.


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  CHAPTER 14: 14 GROWING IN STATURE
========================================================================

Growing in Stature

Finally, a few words about growing in stature. As parents, we are responsible
for the physical health of our children right now, as well as being responsible
for training them in good habits that will serve to keep them in good health in
the years ahead. 1 Timothy 4:8 tells us that bodily training is of some value -
it is not the highest value since its benefits do not extend into eternity, but
nevertheless it is of value for all of our life on earth.

Here again our example as parents is important. If we take good care of our
bodies, exercising regularly and eating the most nutritious diet our income
allows, if we control ourselves at parties and fight the normal pattern of
gaining weight as we age, our children will learn from us and be more likely to
follow the same pattern. If instead we set a bad example, our children are
likely to follow that also. But we can also encourage our children by
participating in physical activities with them, helping them to develop
interests in exercise, attending their games at athletic matches if they
participate in sports, and encouraging them to eat well, sleep sufficient hours,
and follow good hygiene. So we have seen that we as parents have an important
impact on the growth of our children. We have treated these issues of growth
from the most important to the least. Of most importance is their growth in
wisdom and in favor with God. This must be our first priority. But just as Jesus
grew in favor with men, so should our children, so that they might contribute in
numerous ways to the betterment of their society, as well as being more
effective witnesses for Christ. Finally, our bodies are the temple of the Holy
Spirit, and good physical health will make us better able to serve Christ
energetically. So we as parents must do our best to help our children grow in
stature, through good habits of care of their physical bodies.

______________________________

Copyright © 2003, Thomas C. Pinckney. We learned much about Christian marriage -
particularly the functional and relational aspects of maleness and femaleness -
from Steve and Erica Lawry of Parakaleo Ministries, Stanford, CA. Ray Stedman’s
teaching on this passage, found at www.pbc.org <http://www.pbc.org/>, has also
influenced us strongly. The teaching on the relationship between Jesus and God
the Father is taken directly from Ray’s sermon on this passage. This data file
is the sole property of Thomas C. Pinckney. Please feel free to copy it, but
only in its entirety for circulation freely without charge. All copies of this
data file must contain the above copyright notice. This data file in its
original or modified form may not be copied for resale or incorporated in any
commercial publications, or other products offered for sale, without the written
permission of Thomas C. Pinckney, tpinckney@williams.edu
<mailto:tpinckney@williams.edu>, c/o Community Bible Church, 160 Bridges Rd,
Williamstown, Mark 01267.


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Source: https://sermonindex.net/books/pinckney-coty-marriage-and-family-teaching-notes/
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