Confessions

CHAPTER X And being admonished by these books to return into myself, I entered into my inward soul guided by thee. This I could do because thou wast my helper. And I entered, and with the eye of my soul, such as it was, saw above the same eye of my soul, and above my mind, the immutable light. It was not the common light, which all flesh can see, nor was it simply a greater one of the same sort, as if the light of day were to grow brighter and brighter and flood all space. It was not like that light, but different, yea, very different, from all earthly light whatever. Nor was it above my mind, in the same way as oil is above water, or heaven above earth, but it was higher, because it made me, and I was below it, because I was made by it. He who knows the truth knows that light, and he who knows it knows eternity. Love knows it, O eternal truth and true love and beloved eternity. Thou art my God, to whom I sigh both night and day. When I first knew thee, thou didst lift me up, that I might see that there was something to be seen, though I was not yet fit to see it. And thou didst beat back the weakness of my sight, shining forth upon me thy dazzling beams of light, and I trembled with love and fear. I realized that I was far away from thee in the land of unlikeness, as if I heard thy voice from on high. I am the food of strong men. Grow and thou shalt feed on me. Nor shall you change me, like the food of your flesh, into yourself, but you shall be changed into my likeness. And I understood that thou chastenedest man for his iniquity, and makest my soul to be eaten away as though by a spider. And I said, Is truth therefore nothing, because it is not diffused through space, neither finite nor infinite? And thou didst cry to me from afar, I am that I am. And I heard this as things are heard in the heart, and there was no room for doubt. I should have more readily doubted that I am alive than that the truth exists, the truth which is clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made. CHAPTER XI And I viewed all the other things that are beneath thee, and I realized that they are neither wholly real nor wholly unreal. They are real in so far as they come from thee, but they are unreal in so far as they are not what thou art, for that is truly real which remains immutable. It is good, then, for me to hold fast to God, for if I do not remain in him, neither shall I abide in myself. But he, remaining in himself, renews all things. And thou art the Lord my God, since thou standest in no need of my goodness. CHAPTER XII And it was made clear to me that all things are good, even if they are corrupted. They could not be corrupted if they were supremely good. But unless they were good, they could not be corrupted. If they were supremely good, they would be incorruptible. If they were not good at all, there would be nothing in them to be corrupted. For corruption harms, but unless it could diminish goodness, it could not harm. Either then, corruption does not harm, which cannot be. Or, as is certain, all that is corrupted is thereby deprived of good. But if they are deprived of all good, they will cease to be. For if they are at all, and cannot be at all corrupted, they will become better, because they will remain incorruptible. Now what can be more monstrous than to maintain that by losing all good they have become better? If then they are deprived of all good, they will cease to exist. So long as they are, therefore, they are good. Therefore whatever is, is good. Evil, then, the origin of which I had been seeking, has no substance at all. For if it were a substance, it would be good. For either it would be an incorruptible substance, and so a supreme good, or a corruptible substance, which could not be corrupted unless it were good. I understood, therefore, and it was made clear to me that thou madest all things good. Nor is there any substance at all not made by thee. And because all that thou madest is not equal, each by itself is good, and the sum of all of them is very good. For our God made all things very good. CHAPTER XIII. To thee there is no such thing as evil, and even in thy whole creation taken as a whole there is not, because there is nothing from beyond it that can burst in and destroy the order which thou hast appointed for it. But in the parts of creation some things, because they do not harmonize with others, are considered evil. Yet those same things harmonize with others and are good, and in themselves are good. And all these things which do not harmonize with each other still harmonize with the inferior part of creation which we call the earth, having its own cloudy and windy sky of like nature with itself. Far be it from me, then, to say these things should not be. For if I could see nothing but these, I should indeed desire something better. But still I ought to praise thee, if only for these created things. For that thou art to be praised is shown from the fact that earth, dragons, and all deeps, hail, snow and vapors, stormy winds fulfilling thy word, mountains and all hills, fruitful trees and all cedars, beasts and all cattle, creeping things and flying fowl, things of the earth and all people, princes and all judges of the earth, both young men and maidens, old men and children, praise thy name. But seeing also that in heaven all thy angels praise thee, O God, praise thee in the heights, and all thy hosts sun and moon, all stars and light, the heavens of heavens, and the waters that are above the heavens, praise thy name. Seeing this, I say, I no longer desire a better world, because my thought ranged over all, and with a sounder judgment I reflected that the things above were better than those below. Yet that all creation together was better than the higher things alone. CHAPTER XIV There is no health in those who find fault with any part of thy creation, as there was no health in me when I found fault with so many of thy works. And because my soul dared not to be displeased with my God, it would not allow that the things which displeased me were from thee. Hence it had wandered into the notion of two substances, and could find no rest, but talked foolishly. And turning from that error, it had then made for itself a God extended through infinite space, and it thought this was thou, and set it up in its heart, and it became once more the temple of its own idol, an abomination to thee. But thou didst soothe my brain, though I was unaware of it, and closed my eyes, lest they should behold vanity. And thus I ceased from preoccupation with self by a little, and my madness was lulled to sleep. And I awoke in thee, and beheld thee as the Infinite, but not in the way I had thought. And this vision was not derived from the flesh. CHAPTER XV And I looked around at other things, and I saw that it was to thee that all of them owed their being, and that they were all finite in thee. Yet they are in thee not as in a space, but because thou holdest all things in the hand of thy truth, and because all things are true insofar as they are, and because falsehood is nothing except the existence in thought of what does not exist in fact. And I saw that all things harmonize, not only in their places, but also in their seasons. And I saw that thou, who alone art eternal, didst not begin to work after unnumbered periods of time. Because all ages, both those which are past and those which shall pass, neither go nor come except through thy working and abiding. CHAPTER XVI And I saw and found it no marvel that bread, which is distasteful to an unhealthy palate, is pleasant to a healthy one, or that the light, which is painful to sore eyes, is a delight to sound ones. Thy righteousness displeases the wicked, and they find even more fault with the viper and the little worm, which thou hast created good, fitting, in as they do with the inferior parts of creation. The wicked themselves also fit in here, and proportionately more so, as they become unlike thee. But they harmonize with the higher creation proportionately, as they become like thee. And I asked what wickedness was, and I found that it was no substance, but a perversion of the will, bent aside from thee, O God, the supreme substance, toward those lower things, casting away its innermost treasure, and becoming bloated with external good. CHAPTER XVII And I marveled that I now loved thee, and no phantasm in thy stead. And yet I was not stable enough to enjoy my God steadily. Instead I was transported to thee by thy beauty, and then presently torn away from thee by my own weight, sinking with grief into these lower things. This weight was carnal habit. But thy memory dwelt with me, and I never doubted in the least that there was one for me to cleave to. But I was not yet ready to cleave to thee firmly. For the body, which is corrupted, presses down the soul, and the earthly dwelling weighs down the mind, which muses upon many things. My greatest certainty was that the invisible things of thine from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even thy eternal power and Godhead. For when I inquired how it was that I could appreciate the beauty of bodies, both celestial and terrestrial, and what it was that supported me in making correct judgments about things mutable, and when I concluded, this ought to be thus, this ought not, then, when I inquired how it was that I could make such judgments, since I did in fact make them, I realized that I had found the unchangeable and true eternity of truth above my changeable mind. And thus, by degrees, I was led upward from bodies to the soul, which perceives them by means of the bodily senses, and from there on to the soul's inward faculty, to which the bodily senses report outward things. And this belongs even to the capacities of the beasts, and thence on up to the reasoning power, to whose judgment is referred the experience received from the bodily sense. And when this power of reason within me also found that it was changeable, it raised itself up to its own intellectual principle, and withdrew its thoughts from experience, abstracting itself from the contradictory throng of phantasms, in order to seek for that light in which it was bathed. Then, without any doubting, it cried out that the unchangeable was better than the changeable. From this it follows that the mind somehow knew the unchangeable, for unless it had known it in some fashion, it could have had no sure ground for preferring it to the changeable. And thus, with the flash of a trembling glance, it arrived at that which is. And I saw thy invisibility, invisibilia tua, understood by means of the things that are made. But I was not able to sustain my gaze. My weakness was dashed back, and I lapsed again into my accustomed ways, carrying along with me nothing but a loving memory of my vision, and an appetite for what I had, as it were, smelled the odour of, but was not yet able to eat. CHAPTER XVIII. I sought, therefore, some way to acquire the strength sufficient to enjoy thee. But I did not find it until I embraced that mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus, who is, over all, God blessed for ever. Who came calling, and saying, I am the way, the truth, and the life, and mingling with our fleshly humanity the heavenly food I was unable to receive. For the word was made flesh, in order that thy wisdom, by which thou didst create all things, might become milk for our infancy. And as yet I was not humble enough to hold the humble Jesus, nor did I understand what lesson his weakness was meant to teach us. For thy word, the eternal truth, far exalted above even the higher parts of thy creation, lifts his subjects up toward himself. But in this lower world he built for himself a humble habitation of our own clay, so that he might pull down from themselves and win over to himself those whom he is to bring subject to him, lowering their pride and heightening their love, to the end that they might go on no farther in self-confidence, but rather should become weak, seeing at their feet the deity made weak by sharing our coats of skin, so that they might cast themselves, exhausted upon him, and be uplifted by his rising. CHAPTER XIX But I thought otherwise. I saw in our Lord Christ only a man of eminent wisdom, to whom no other man could be compared, especially because he was miraculously born of a virgin, sent to set us an example of despising worldly things for the attainment of immortality, and thus exhibiting his divine care for us. Because of this I held that he had merited his great authority as leader. But concerning the mystery contained in the word was made flesh, I could not even form a notion. From what I learned, from what has been handed down to us in the books about him, that he ate, drank, slept, walked, rejoiced in spirit, was sad, and discoursed with his fellows, I realized that his flesh alone was not bound unto thy word, but also that there was a bond with the human soul and body. Everyone knows this who knows the unchangeableness of thy word, and this I knew by now, as far as I was able, and I had no doubts at all about it. For at one time to move the limbs by an act of will, at another time not. At one time to feel some emotion, at another time not. At one time to speak intelligibly through verbal signs, at another not. These are all properties of the soul and mind subject to change. And if these things were falsely written about him, all the rest would risk the imputation of falsehood, and there would remain in those books no saving faith for the human race. Therefore, because they were written truthfully, I acknowledged a perfect man to be in Christ, not the body of a man only, nor, in the body, an animal soul without a rational one as well, but a true man. And this man I held to be superior to all others, not only because he was a form of the truth, but also because of the great excellence and perfection of his human nature, due to his participation in wisdom. Adopeus, on the other hand, supposed the Catholics to believe that God was so clothed with flesh that besides God and the flesh there was no soul in Christ, and he did not think that a human mind was ascribed to him. And because he was fully persuaded that the actions recorded of him could not have been performed except by a living, rational creature, he moved the more slowly toward Christian faith. But when he later learned that this was the error of the Apollinarian heretics, he rejoiced in the Catholic faith and accepted it. For myself, I must confess that it was even later that I learned how, in the sentence THE WORD WAS MADE FLESH, the Catholic truth can be distinguished from the falsehood of Photinus. For the refutation of heretics makes the tenets of thy church and sound doctrine to stand out boldly. For there must also be heresies, that those who are approved may be made manifest among the weak. CHAPTER XX. By having thus read the books of the Platonists, and having been taught by them to search for the incorporeal truth, I saw how thy invisible things are understood through the things that are made. And even when I was thrown back, I still sensed what it was that the dullness of my soul would not allow me to contemplate. I was assured that thou wast, and wast infinite, though not diffused in finite space or infinity, that thou truly art, who art ever the same, varying neither in part nor motion, and that all things are from thee, as is proved by this sure cause alone, that they exist. Of all this I was convinced, yet I was too weak to enjoy thee. I chattered away as if I were an expert, but if I had not sought thy way in Christ our Saviour, my knowledge would have turned out to be not instruction, but destruction. For now, full of what was in fact my punishment, I had begun to desire to seem wise. I did not mourn my ignorance, but rather was puffed up with knowledge. For where was that love which builds upon the foundation of humility, which is Jesus Christ? Or when would these books teach me this? I now believe that it was thy pleasure that I should fall upon these books before I studied thy Scriptures, that it might be impressed on my memory how I was affected by them. And then, afterward, when I was subdued by thy Scriptures, and when my wounds were touched by thy healing fingers, I might discern and distinguish what a difference there is between presumption and confession, between those who saw where they were to go, even if they did not see the way, and the way which leads, not only to the observing, but also to the inhabiting of the blessed country. For had I first been moulded in thy holy Scriptures, and if thou hadst grown sweet to me through my familiar use of them, and if then I had afterward fallen upon those volumes, they might have pushed me off the solid ground of godliness. Or if I had stood firm in that wholesome disposition which I had there acquired, I might have thought that wisdom could be attained by the study of those books alone. CHAPTER XXI. With great eagerness, then, I fastened upon the venerable writings of thy Spirit, and principally upon the apostle Paul. I had thought that he sometimes contradicted himself, and that the text of his teaching did not agree with the testimonies of the law and the prophets. But now all these doubts vanished away, and I saw that those pure words had but one face, and I learned to rejoice with trembling. So I began, and I found that whatever truth I had read was here combined with the exaltation of thy grace. Thus he who sees must not glory as if he had not received, not only the things that he sees, but the very power of sight. For what does he have that he has not received as a gift? By this he is not only exhorted to see, but also to be cleansed that he may grasp thee, who art ever the same. And thus he who cannot see thee afar off must yet enter upon the road that leads to reaching, seeing, and possessing thee. For although a man may delight in the law of God after the inward man, what shall he do with that other law in his members, which wars against the law of his mind, and brings him into captivity under the law of sin which is in his members? Thou art righteous, O Lord, but we have sinned and committed iniquities, and have done wickedly. Thy hand has grown heavy upon us, and we are justly delivered over to that ancient sinner, the Lord of death. For he persuaded our wills to become like his will, by which he remained not in thy truth. What shall wretched man do? Who shall deliver him from the body of this death, except thy grace through Jesus Christ our Lord, whom thou hast begotten, coeternal with thyself, and didst create in the beginning of thy ways? In whom the prince of this world found nothing worthy of death, yet he killed him. And so the handwriting, which was all against us, was blotted out. The books of the Platonists tell nothing of this. Their pages do not contain the expression of this kind of godliness. The tears of confession, thy sacrifice, a troubled spirit, a broken and a contrite heart, the salvation of thy people, the espoused city, the earnest of the Holy Spirit, the cup of our redemption. In them no man sings, Shall not my soul be subject unto God? For from him comes my salvation. He is my God and my salvation, my defender. I shall no more be moved. In them no one hears him calling, Come unto me, all you who labour. They scorn to learn of him, because he is meek and lowly of heart, for thou hast hidden those things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. For it is one thing to see the land of peace from a wooded mountaintop, and fail to find the way thither. To attempt impassable ways in vain, opposed and waylaid by fugitives and deserters under their captain, the lion and dragon. But it is quite another thing to keep to the highway that leads thither, guarded by the hosts of the heavenly emperor, on which there are no deserters from the heavenly army to rob the passers-by. For they shun it as a torment. These thoughts sank wondrously into my heart when I read that Least of Thy Apostles, and when I had considered all thy works, and trembled.