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Discussion Forum : General Topics : A Hunger to go deeper

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Joined: 2005/1/6
Posts: 1727
Hemel Hempstead

 A Hunger to go deeper

My christian life seems as dry as a desert and probably more sins that Hitler. I need Jesus!!! I want to go deeper. Confess more sin.
If the universe was full of molecules and every one of those molecules was empty and Jesus was to fill them that it how much I want Jesus to fill me. I want to live a life that pleases him. IS there anybody else that feels dry as a christian. Wants to be a good evangelist but fails . Want to be pure!! Want to do things that god has planned for me!! I have felt this year like I have moved back rather than forward as a christian.
Since the explosions it seems I have lost the will to fight for what I believe in and it is almost as I need refreshing. I so want to lay all of my life down for Jesus. I have wanted to Street Preach but I have also want to use every part of me for Jesus and have more Faith.
I also feel like I have not used any creative things that God has put inside me.
The story of the talents in the bible makes me
want to use all of me for him. Jesus I mean.
When you are desperate for Jesus to give you more of him or to do what you probably need to do but are too scared. I am always open for new things such as new music and new sermons ansd new books that build me up. I have always wanted people to forgive me for the mass of sins that plague my life personally. I want to risk everything for God yet I am scared to!! I want to give everything because I know we have a good god!! I know it is him I just want to make those steps of faith out o the quagmire of sin and selfishness and bless everyone not only personally but in what they need. I remember sitting in church for years not knowing that God cares for me personally and every detail and it was ok to shout out Jesus every single need. I remember those years of fighting pornography which I thought I would never get out of and I didnt really know what to do as things like that arent really brought up in church. I know God is mighty and awsome. I have always wanted to preach and paint and play the guitar and do a whole lot of stuff and I have wanted to bless people through what I do and give glory to God but I know I am a mess at the moment and feel absolutly helpless!! I just need to concentrate on higher things I have been noticing when I have been browsing the internet it has not always been christian stuff not as much as I used to and I would like to witness more i used to witness and give my testimony to everyone I almost spoke to!! I want my life to be a testimony to Jesus and I know it is not in all aspects from my university life to computing. I want to devote everything to him and obey him in every part of my life even if it is hard!!
There was one time in my bed that I thought that I would be in my bed the whole life and I am just thankful to god that I am alive and that all my body is functioning properly. I have so wanted more christian to get down the christian bookshop rather than the video shop but I cannot do it. I cannot even write my programs in computing on my own I need Jesus in everything . I have noticed how many lies and how I havent given as much as usual.I read Acts and see how far apart my life is from it!! or the miracles of the bible. I see how depleted my prayer life is. I have felt lonely recently. I want to go deeper!!! as deep as Mariners Caverns which is the deepest of caverns in the ocean.
I want to be like him even thou part of me doesnt and be honest and truthful, I just dont want to lie to myself or god about anything but I fail.I also want my relationships to be right because I know from John 1 that a person who does not love his brother how can he love god if his brother if he is in the image of God but I also want to be like Elijah who stood up for what he believed and what god told him even thou his whole nation was against him. I have
I want to give my best to get gods perfect!!!

Dominic Shiells

 2005/12/19 17:23Profile

Joined: 2002/12/11
Posts: 36804
"Pilgrim and Sojourner." - 1 Peter 2:11

 Re: A Hunger to go deeper

If the universe was full of molecules and every one of those molecules was empty and Jesus was to fill them that it how much I want Jesus to fill me. I want to live a life that pleases him.


It is great to hear your heart that is so open and wanting to be filled. I very much encourage you to listen to this message preached by brother Jesse Morrell: Happiness or Holiness.

Also I would very much encourage you to get into the word of God daily and spend time there slowly and prayerfully reading the scriptures. Memorize them and allow them to become the most precious thing to you. For in them you will experience Jesus Christ in a more real and fuller way. And in spending time with God in the Word of God you will be freed from a life of struggle with sin.

"And now, little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming." (1 John 2:28).

SI Moderator - Greg Gordon

 2005/12/19 17:37Profile

Joined: 2003/7/31
Posts: 2714
Phoenix, Arizona USA

 Re: A Hunger to go deeper


Your post brought to mind something that Watchman Nee wrote in his classic [url=]The Normal Christian Life[/url]. I pray that it may be of some help to you...

[i]Our crucifixion can never be made effective by will or by effort, but only by accepting what the Lord Jesus did on the Cross. Our eyes must be opened to see the finished work of Calvary. Some of you, prior to your salvation, may have tried to save yourselves. You read the Bible, prayed, went to Church, gave alms. Then one day your eyes were opened and you saw that a full salvation had already been provided for you on the Cross. You just accepted that and thanked God, and peace and joy flowed into your heart. Now salvation and sanctification are on exactly the same basis. You receive deliverance from sin in the same way as you receive forgiveness of sins.

For God’s way of deliverance is altogether different from man’s way. Man’s way is to try to suppress sin by seeking to overcome it; God’s way is to remove the sinner. Many Christians mourn over their weakness, thinking that if only they were stronger all would be well. The idea that, because failure to lead a holy life is due to our impotence, something more is therefore demanded of us, leads naturally to this false conception of the way of deliverance. If we are preoccupied with the power of sin and with our inability to meet it, then we naturally conclude that to gain the victory over sin we must have more power. ‘If only I were stronger’, we say, ‘I could overcome my violent outbursts of temper’, and so we plead with the Lord to strengthen us that we may exercise more self-control.

But this is altogether wrong; this is not Christianity. God’s means of delivering us from sin is not by making us stronger and stronger, but by making us weaker and weaker. That is surely rather a peculiar way of victory, you say; but it is the Divine way. God sets us free from the dominion of sin, not by strengthening our old man but by crucifying him; not by helping him to do anything but by removing him from the scene of action.

For years, maybe, you have tried fruitlessly to exercise control over yourself, and perhaps this is still your experience; but when once you see the truth you will recognize that you are indeed powerless to do anything, but that in setting you aside altogether God has done it all. Such a revelation brings human self-effort to an end.[/i]

In Christ,


Ron Halverson

 2005/12/19 19:51Profile

Joined: 2005/2/16
Posts: 621
Cache Valley, Utah



I don't think you realize how much a blessing you are to this community or believers and to myself especially. Thank you for these words.

I too want desperately to be filled with Jesus, do go deeper with Him, to have more of Christ in my life and do be done with self. I too want a prayer life that moves mountains and I too want my spirit to be controlled by the Holy Spirit! You are speaking my language, brother!

I'm realizing more and more that true life is found exclusively in the [b]person[/b] of Jesus Christ and not in the doctrine around that name. In Him alone is life and peace and joy and power, and not in anything else! Not even in good things like repentance, confession and good deeds, though these are good things, they do not hold life! I have tried to find life in them and have failed everytime, but when I turn to the person of Jesus, God's Son, and turn myself all towards Him, and talk to Him, and think of Him, and invite Him into my life, then I experience the truth and life I so desire! In HIM, not in anything else, brother!

Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus

It is in the person of the Lord Jesus Himself that all things are found and in Him we shall never be disappointed.

God bless brother Dom,

Eli Brayley

 2005/12/19 20:16Profile

Joined: 2005/8/31
Posts: 61
Hartselle, Alabama

 Re: A Hunger to go deeper


Man, you're reading my mail to a the last "T". Pornography...yeah, been under that curse as well, Brother. Fear...that to., there's the blow of all blows, because it contains them all. May God forgive us.

I hope the Lord will again hear the cries of His broken children, because it hurts too much to be on the receiving end of Satan's blitzkreig. Satan's head may be crushed, but his fangs still pack poison.

They said it so well that to be dead in Christ is the key. Does anyone know the best way of fully attaining that? My prayers seem to be going nowhere. My heart is also, Dom, this life is rough, isn't it? I so want to drink from the fountain of life right now. Where do we sign up for that trip? "The thirsty will drink the dew." Lord, please send down your dew that my parched soul can slake its thirst...God be merciful to His people.

Thank you SI for your kindness to allow even a tattered man have a voice when the world only wants to shut up our cries. I hope that the Church will continue to shave off the plastic masks, revealing that Christ, not man, is the key to life, to victory in life, true liberty, and for eternity. Amen to the King of kings and Lord of lords, amen.

 2005/12/19 21:46Profile

Joined: 2005/6/18
Posts: 1481


my brother, i am a father of eight children and nothing gets closer to my heartmore then when one jumped into my arms and put his or her arms around my neck thereby putting all his or her trust and love in me. if you want to please your heavenly father,cease from all you are doing and run and jump into his arms and rest un HIM.jimp

 2005/12/20 6:04Profile

Joined: 2003/6/11
Posts: 9192
Santa Clara, CA

 Re: A Hunger to go deeper

Dear Dom,

From this mornings musings, somewhere in the midst of it, your thoughts mingled in. Brother, there is nothing on this planet as endearing as honesty from the heart. To verbalize and expose ones soul can be seen as foolishness to the proud, ammunition for the accuser and illogical for the 'intelligent'. But know just this, what you have is a gift and though I am sure you know it, there is that verse, pregnant with truth and you are right in the very center of it. Put it at bottom and wanted to share this with you, I think it's for the both of us as it may be for many of us.

Always feel a little squeamish "praying out loud" here, but sometimes...

[i]My very soul is bound up in You Jesus, while the rest of me is a cacophony of bodily twitches, reactionary compulsions, prone to wander and run after spurious notions and fleeting emotions. The life wants, needs to pray and pray ceasinglessly-It is a life of prayer when the distractions are recognized. Hating ones life in this world becoming more and more realistic, not mere abstract sentiment. The reality of this world and its present system of things and gyrations could be summed up in a word; Unbelief. And it has become the snare of the saved as well. The folly and madness of it all. Bedfellows with pride, the antagonist of humility. Why do I yet weep dry tears? The soul in it's longing for God, for You Father, for Jesus. The power of His Name and the indwelling, the very life of the Holy Spirit in these fractional bodies and yet we are not astounded? To read Your word and not recognize that it is Your word, your voice, your very expressions, it ought to stagger us both in trembling and in rejoicing.

Give us the faith of the persecuted, Lord, laying hold of what has layed hold of us. Recognizing the very hunger is given by Thee and can only be fed and filled by You. There is no other, blessed are they who hunger and thirst for they shall be filled. Let us who are able, go on and feed Thy sheep even as we know the lack and feel the same pangs of hunger. Fasting and delaying, waiting and praying, last. First to break the bread and be spent giving out of lack, that You might fill them all. They are Yours and we who may know some things also realize just how little that we do know, the hunger cries out to our own lack, measuring our fraction of knowledge to be but a morsel, our elevation and expectation brought lower, the right direction of increase.[/i]


The more or less norm many mornings is to bound between writing and reading, musing and this calling to the floor... Brother we can learn how to pray, it's true! If the disciples could ask "Lord, teach us ... to pray" surely He will not give us a stone? Strange, somewhere as I was typing this the word "how" got mingled in; "[u]How[/u] to pray" but it's not there. Interesting! It's as if the question is not "how" but "what". I could go off on a endless extrapolation but just wanted to perhaps throw out some so called 'practical' things, but before that, to finish the thought... I am still very much a skeptic of my own mind, I believe it was PreachParsely here that mentioned the gift of "suspicion" and two different interpretations could be made of that, one, of others and the second these flighty, fallen creatures that we are even as the mind is being renewed day by day still... Where I am going is just however it may be for some, personally it seems rare that something seemingly drops in from out of nowhere, the tendency is to hold back on "The Lord told me..." thus and so. So many spurious ideas about in our day, glib prophecies, "Thus Sayeth the Lord", "The Lord told me to tell you...." Ah, one of these days I will just get on with it and quit explaining everything... Here, this came as I was praying;

"Lord, I need You" .... "I Am your need"

And that verse mentioned...

Mat 5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

(Note. If you have something like Esword, try a search on those two words together, "hunger and thirst")

The "practical". You mentioned the distractions and they are there for a reason I believe. It's a test brother, of loyalty on the one hand not of guilt necessarily but a prodding to fight! I know this may sound like blasphemy to some constructs, but there is another spurious notion about that effort is folly, that there is no 'cost' to this life, that everything is done by surrender and it is, but...
There is work to be done in surrendering. Work in prayer.

Phi 2:12 Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

But take note of the paradox (seemingly) ...

Phi 2:13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

THAT is your wonderful predicament! And mine! Brother, a large part of this is in surrendering the natural to the spiritual, as Chambers was want to put it. As you go on in these things, these compulsions and distractions will fall off to an extent as you dig in deeper, as the honesty inwardly begins to reveal what is Spirit and Truth. The things that are troubling now will become something to chuckle at later and I do not mean to be flip about it, just that some of the things that we could once pine away at, slap ourselves around for are the same things that pushed into Gods Presence. It's by design if I might be so bold to state it that way.

Two words come to mind.

Think back over both. A year ago, where were you spiritually? I know you said that it [i]seems[/i] that you are going backward, but set that aside for a moment and ponder the [i]change[/i]. What has become [i]more[/i] important? What does your own heart cry here reveal?
Change brother, it's a beautiful thing. It's something that befuddles me often and gives great hope as well. What will 6 months from now reveal if the Lord tarries still? Knowing the ongoing cleanup that [i]still[/i] needs to be done... Scared, you mentioned. Brother, me too! For all this long winded expression and wishing otherwise, praying otherwise, recognizing the folly of "the fear of man" which could be silenced with a word; Death. Let the agnostic, the atheist, the proud man ponder that, [i]his[/i] death. Who is to be most pitted? And yet still my own words trap me, some foolish notion that a lever will be thrown and suddenly a boldness will come, the paradox there, it's both, Ah see, there is more to be surrendered. Both surrender and obedience ... This fool needs prayer as much you and the rest of us all.

One last thing that has been percolating in the thoughts, this sentiment;

Joh 7:6 Then Jesus said unto them, My time is not yet come: but your time is alway ready.

And I love this commentary;

[b]Joh 7:6-10 - My time is not yet come[/b]--that is, for showing Himself to the world.

[b]your time is always ready--[/b]that is "It matters little when we go up, for ye have no great plans in life, and nothing hangs upon your movements. With Me it is otherwise; on every movement of Mine there hangs what ye know not. The world has no quarrel with you, for ye bear no testimony against it, and so draw down upon yourselves none of its wrath; but I am here to lift up My voice against its hypocrisy, and denounce its abominations; therefore it cannot endure Me, and one false step might precipitate its fury on its Victim's head before the time. Away, therefore, to the feast as soon as it suits you; I follow at the fitting moment, but 'My time is not yet full come.'"

Jamieson, Fausset and Brown Commentary

The Lord was often intimating this throughout His life on this planet. [i]"For I do always ...[/i]" What? [i]"those things that please him.[/i] And the "How" of it came just before it:

[i]"And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone;"[/i] (Joh 8:29)

And we are not alone either brother!

What has been bearing down on me is in this tension of compulsion (Recall the thread here, [url=]I need victory over "doing something"[/url]) on the one hand and waiting on the other. That's where I think the surrender is, the Lords timing and the only way to find out is to be in 'constant' prayer. Prayer without ceasing, it's life blood and oxygen for the Christian.

Two books if you haven't yet brother.

"Practicing The Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence
(A search here will produce an online copy)

"Pilgrims Progress" By John Bunyan

The latter here describing your predicament, you would find your place in this journey there, I am sure of it. It is a [i]progress[/i] brother. May something of this be of some help to you.

Mike Balog

 2005/12/20 10:27Profile

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