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leah
Member



Joined: 2005/11/21
Posts: 3


 end my life...please...

i've had it. i'm done. i'm thru. i'm finished. i can't take this life anymore. oh, you think, i'm just a little stressed, over reacting, need to calm down. no, i mean, MY ENTIRE LIVED LIFE SPAN!! I'M TIRED OF LIVING!! I HAVE NO WILL LEFT TO LIVE!! oh?? is your sense of moral and legal obligations kicking in? saying death is both morally and legally wrong???? no matter what?? unless you die of a heart attack, old age, or accident? oh, now youre thinking i need medical help and need medications and need to go see a doctor and be thrown in a insane asylum. sorry, that was already tried. one, it cost over seven grand down the toilet, two, each and EVERY single med they put me on, i never knew was possible to do certain ...not SIDE affects...but actual reactions caused by the drugs instead.

why am i tired of life? the misrifing life i've had to live with that has never ended, and only followed me as a curse and i've never been able to figure out, what did i ever do to deserve this????????? what?????????? or are the sins of my parents being visited on me???????????

the type of life style i was raised with? one of solitude in multiple forms. one, i was an only child, or a spoild brat as referred to by others (now that i'm older and exposed to how much else? i call others more spoiled) as i grew, i had to get used to my parents fighting nearly every other day of the week. when i say fight, i mean.... FIGHT. screaming, yelling, things getting thrown, broken, rings getting tossed, flowers getting trashed.....divorce papers getting drawn up how many times, my mom packing up and running away how many times....I was the one begging and pleading and crying my eyes out as a kid for them NOT to get divorced, to stop fighting....and now?? now??? oh i'm so sorry i did and i wish they did get a divorce.

when it wasn't solitude at home, it was solitude at school. pick the name in the book. i was called it. where was i born and raised? hawaii. NO, i'm NOT HAWAIIAN. my mother is from alaska my father is from missouri which makes me a russian jewish aleut. in hawaii, everyone is either oriental or polynesian. if youre not, and youre white, its the equivalent to a black in the south - same difference, same discrimination. and i got it, i got the major brunt of it. at first, i thought it was just a grade school gig. and when i changed schools to middle school and NEW classmates were there and NOONE followed me from gradeschool, ithought the curse was done. no. it followed me to middle school.

then it got worse.

my mother in grade school, developed epilepsy while i was in 2-3rd grade. i started, one year after her, but i wasn't going unconcious yet. i was just getting warnings and how i was supposed to know those were forms of seizures??? i was just a child! and then, i dropped dead in middle school, in homeroom. and everything turned to chaos after that. teachers grew paranoid around me if all i did was put my head down on my desk and i was YELLED at NEVER to do that again when they NEVER did that BEFORE. and better yet??? kids i didn't even know, mocking me and teasing me as if i had faked the seizure.

when i went to high school, it happened again. i was hoping it wasn't as i even got a district exception to drive over 30 miles for musical educational reasons. i would have expected at highschool age, they matured out stupid childish mockeries and teasing. no.

oh and then college. oh i was so glad to fly to the mainland for college away from hawaii and was expecting a new change, for people to be more grown up, more adultish, no.

so when it came to social skills???? i swear, a curse was and still is for crying out loud following me whereever the heck i go. even when i enter a place with clean slate, a happy face, noone knows my past, i don't bring it up, but they do. one way form or another.

so you say go to a church. one - i've already been kicked out of two. its already happened now in a church setting TWICE for crying out loud. two....after it happening twice....i'm NOT just gonna go walking in to any church, say hey there, howzit, lets celebrate together. i don't think so. i've already tried walking in quietly to a few, and even in those...i already can tell what was starting and i'm not going through that again.

o, you say its a psychological thing where i'm just overly sensitive and overly reactive? and pick up very easily on this that that this? versus other people who let it roll off their sleeves so quickly its like it never happened or never existed??? trust me, i've already been through all this gig,....nothings....worked.


at least ONE psycho-shrink got at least ONE gig right. and that was because he wasn't getting paid and he had only 15 min or less at a restaurant table. that i was extremely overly controlled by my mother as a kid and STILL had left over controlling after effects. how controlled was i? beyond what the normal motherly control the mom has over her children.

i was NEVER allowed to DATE ANYONE...even threw highschool...AND COLLEGE. when it came to reading books, fictional stories were EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL ..........so i never read. ever. save what was required for class reading, and then quickly dumped it out of my mind. i had more non-fictional books for collection. movies soon became evil next. then tv shows. then the computer and computer games. then music of varying sorts was evil next. soon, i just learned to sit out on the lanai and watch traffic go by and learned to become a vegitable. if not, sleep, or get a piece of paper and draw junk. i had no friends, no where to go, nothing to do. the home i lived in was on the seventh floor of an apartment building. the apartment? very veryvery very small. one bedroom, one bathroom. the livingroom, same size as the bedroom. so i never had my own room. as far as drivers licence? i never got it till AFTER I GRADUATED from high school...

the only one good thing i was ever thankful for in my life, and now he's gone, was my baby. my horse. hes dead. he was all i was ever happy for, and now he's dead. and ever since he died, i've never gone home.

that's just some of my misery. i was able to eventually....EVENTUALLY....make a little space in my heart for my horse, espcially after a dream i had and a prayer came to pass and i was able to say goodbye to my baby one last time.

but now?? now???? after this?? this time? this prayer? this long story that i will continue to explain why i want my life to end???? no, thats it, that's final, i've had it, i'm finished, i'm through, no more, i can't take it anymore.


the way my mother raised me???? because she always nearly every single dang day fought with my father, 'pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband.....' over and over and over and over again and again and again.... so i did, ever since i was how old, a little brats age. now, over time yes, things did change. when i was a little brat i may have been attrated to one type of guy that if you dropped in front of me now, i look at him, and go...huh? i don't think so. but as time passed, and i got older, i did start making a secret list in my head. no, it wasn't the i want him, tall, dark, handsome, blue eyed....uh...no. i got waaaaaaaaaay more specific than that on how many details and descriptions, and left other factors, completely, vague. and the list, was almost like a christmas shopping list and was very long, and very specific. after all, if this is going to my husband whom i am going to spend LIFE with, till death do us part....i get to be as picky as i wish as some things are not going to change and i'm going to have to learn to live with. now, time went by...i wasn't expecting EXACTLY TO THE TEE..EVERYTHING..i had on my list to ever be answered...ever. men came, men went. i had crushes, but they were puppy dog crushes and let go-able.

and then, he was brought before my eyes. right in my lap. at first, i did not drop any hints, i withheld everything back. i had to make sure first of one thing. for if that was missing, then never mind, it wasn't worth it, he'd be like the others. and then i found out, he was the son of a pastor. his father had started his church. then i had to make sure. no, it wasn't new age set, it was non-denominational, and yes he was born again. i nearly fell out of my chair, dropped my jaw, cried my eyes out.....EVERY SINGLE ITEM I HAD LISTED ON MY PRAYER LIST FOR A HUSBAND WAS CHECKED OFF, WAS ANSWERED, WAS MET, WAS BROUGHT BEFORE ME, AND HERE HE WAS, RIGHT BEFORE EYES, RIGHT IN FRONT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! am i gonna list what was on my list? no...it was between me and HA'SHEM. was it really long, and really specific?? you bet it was. no, it wasn't as lame as the blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'2", 174lbs, makes $1.2mil/yr, likes boating and skiing....no no no no no no no no no. the stuff one has to put up on dating web sites doesn't really cover jack didly squat of what i told HA'SHEM. sides, the man i met, didn't even match that one bit as i didn't even ask for that.

what happened instead??? he met both me and my roommate at the same time, he went for her instead. he preferred her over me. i was too unnatractive for him. he was nowhere near emotionally attached to me, only physically attracted he said. what did he do??? oh he didn't care if he mentally traumatized me and expected me just to shake it off as if i walked in on a R rated gore flick movie, got grossed out and wiped it out of my mind that instant when i walked in on him and my roommate at the time...no, they weren't married yet..then they didn't even care if i was asleep in the same room, they just figured i would stay asleep and not wake up. i'm sorry, if i really wanted to see that, that's what pornography is for??????

as time passed, i had to tell them to get married or stop committing fornication (of which now he puts 20% blame of his marriage on me as he is no longer in 'love' with his wife, wish he never married her and instead married another girl....who he indeed commited adultry with her too, she only told me after i told her he had a one night affair with me and she feared she had std's from him as she had no other partners but him for a while - total, we know he's had adultry with at least 4-5 and counting, and before marriage, four) he then thought i was telling him to get married as a choice option, either marry my roommate, or marry me. no, that's not what i was trying to tell him. i cared more for him than that. i wanted him to stop pissing G+D off if he said he was born again, and putzing around without a zipper. but no, he took it instead as a motion to keep me away from him.

worse yet, because i have seizures, the trauma me of walking in on them, made the seizures worse where frequency increased, medicine didn't do squat and they thought i was faking it too. it got to the point, the smallest thing triggered a seizure.

for how long i even sacrificed MY LIFE for them to calm things down. there would be one night a week i would dissappear so those two could go do as they please in bed without me walking in on them, i even took 'b' shift of work that got off at midnight to 2am depending on overtime schedule. sometimes i'd even just sit in my car for like an hour or longer after work so those two could go bang their heads out and when i got home, not have to worry about 'walking in on them'. then work changed from '8 hour' to '12 hour' shift schedule. i was gone all night long. i didn't have to worry period anymore, they had all night to themselves.

then it happened at work. i dropped dead royally. i should have died. i wish i did. i almost did....was 'legally dead' for several minutes technically speaking. i went into seizure at work. fell off my chair, hit my head twice, cracked my skull in five places, had a severe partial left and right brain hemmorahage, flatlined and bled to death, electric paddles were NOT working on me, and the schmucks shoved a tube down my throat and ruined my vocal cords to jump start me, and that worked when i should have been declared dead. (i wish i had a DNR at that time)

now?? recovery is pure hell. over half my memory comes and goes extremely often. once upon a time i could do calculus III, now i can't even do basic mathematics. i can't read, grammer and vacabulary are gone, reading comprehension is nill, concentration?? say what? a five year child has more to offer than me. an officially declared 'mentally retarded' person has more to offer than me. oh why don't i go to rehab you ask???????????????????????????? one, i don't have health insurance. NO ONE COVERS PRE EXISTING CONDITIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two, i am no longer considered a 'minor' to be covered under my father's health insurance, that expired at age 24. three, anyone wanna donate several million??? that's what its gonna practically cost. four-yes, for all those curious, i DID apply to SSI and NO i was NOT approved. yes, i DO have a lawyer who is filing for appeal and said it will take 2 years minimal for didly to go through. oh, and assisted nursing housing? no, not approved, just as numbskull headed as SSI. and the single health insurance that theoretically covers preexisting conditions here, only does it by 1-proof of denial letter from another company 2-paying a monthly payment that's equal to house payment, car payment and round trip flight to europe every month. at that price, its equal to NOT having health insurance and paying STRAIGHT bills.

and now? now? for the man i thought was an answer to my prayers for a husband? he only sees me even more repulsive than when he first met me and thought of me as too much of an introvert. now, i'm too much of a burden that takes time, effort, nursing....and its all a waste to him...and i'm banned now, from everything.

officially kicked out. all the activities i liked to go out and do together with club, with everyone, movies, eat out, computer game lan center, holiday celebrations....i'm banned, i'm kicked out, i'm rejected, i'm unwanted, i'm ignored....i'm hated.

now...

now...
now
now
i have to do EVERYTHING...i mean...everything...alone, in solitude. if a movie comes out (and i am a movie nutball, more for the special fx and animation, wishing i could be a technical crewman and get my name on the screw that way...i'm NOT an actress) i have to go to a movie in solitude and make sure i go on a day he's not there, or just wait for dvd. when it comes to eating out, there's NOONE to eat out with, so either don't bother, or get to go/take out and eat with the tv at home and my cat. i don't have friends or guests like before over, so i know longer even bother cleaning up or staying clean and tidy. no one gives a hoot.

so i give up. i do. i truely do. i already screamed and yelled at G+D why did HE even bother bringing saul/solomon before me if HE knew my heart was gonna be this far broken and i really was gonna curse HIM to HIS face that badly and insult HIM as deft as i could. i was looking for david, not solomon. its more along the lines, his father is 'david' and instead HE is 'solomon'.

i've already had a miserable enough life. i can't maintain a job. the b.s. i have really is a 'bs' as it has nothing to do with the major it dealt with when it comes to jobs. all i can find are 'temp' jobs that last for days, weeks, months, and do a number on my health and kill me. i can't go back to school for more education as no money for one, and can't get loans two since its maxed out and fed gov won't loan me any more for undergrad and i HAVE done my research on scholarships, trust me, i have....its not easy.

oh, you say i should try new medication? antidepressants? antiepileptics? and those who may think as far as antipsychotics???? how about i say this instead. AFTER the accident where half my brain was damaged, food, drink, AND medications i used to be able to take, i can no longer take. and the list is growing very frightenly long. long enough to scare the living daylights out of paramedics when they are called and they need to know what the heck NOT to give me. and amongst those??? anti-depressants/epileptics/psychotics that have all been tried. all have either caused seizures, rashes from holy cow city that did not go away, vomit within 10 min of taking the pill, mood swings out of the blue that were very vicious, or genuine type 1 schizophrenia that i never new was possible to induce (ie, whose watching me, following me, what was that noise, whose eyese are those....that type) my doctor is pulling HIS hair out and has no honest clue why meds are doing this to me when they shouldn't, but they are. he even tried keeping me on one and uping it, uping it, more and more and more, till finally instead of being emotionally stable, every single day, multiple times a day at random times, i was either crying my eyes out at nothing (not even the guy who broke my heart), or wanting to go out on a true severe murder killing spree for no reason at all and i had to be pinned down till the 'mood swing' stopped and i snapped out of it. my doc determined it was another form of a seizure since it lasted as long as a seizure, i lost my memory before, during and after like a seizure, and afterwards, was exhausted as if i had run a mile, like when i awake from a seizure and dizzy as ever. as soon as he yoinked me off of it, and a couple days passed for it to drain out, it stopped.

now, the problems i have, i have never had before, till AFTER having been put on how many different medications. now my brain litterally has learned its own new habits and i can't seem to break this new habit. its the same habit as when the brain learns seizures, save, this is...i don't know, and i'm getting frustrated.



i am getting tired of this life. i go to read fix up your life books on singleness, but they never address people who've never had ANY relationship and are almost 30. they always address brokenhearts from breakups. those who have known love and lost. vs me, i have never known love, at all and still argue, what is love?????? and i really do mean that question? no, not parental love, not pet love, or object love like car or house or gem/jewel, or place like france or new york....i mean love. for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part. for i have not been loved and lost, but instead, not known love at all.

i'll be 29 in february, a week before valentine. my birthday is the most depressing birthday and i hate it. one, my birth is nothing worth remembering nor celebrating, two, a week later, i'd be happier six feet under and being home instead. never once have i ever had anyone to celebrate valentines with.

so now? i'm tired of being put on medications that make me worse, not better. i'm tired of doing EVERYTHING in solitude, and i mean EVERYTHING. i'm tired of attempting to get governmental financial assistance and them saying sorry, your too young and rich and healthy. i'm tired of being constantly shunned, rejected, ignored, forgotten, unwanted, sed to be a burden and not a blessing and more of a curse where everything is my fault since i'm the mental retard. i'm tired of sitting here screaming and yelling and getting no answer. and the reply 'its G+D's will' 'its HIS way' 'HIS thoughts are not our thoughts, HIS ways are not our ways' ain't gonna do it. neither is 'you need to submit yourself to HIM' 'you need to become more humble' 'you need to become more one with G+D' 'you need get in touch more with HIS word' 'you need to go to church' 'you need to pray' 'you need to read the Bible'.................................. what do you think i've done? been doing? tried? so i don't want to hear anymore of that. did i try dating sites? yes, no luck.

i gave everything to he who ended up being solomon ever since he showed up. i gave him everything, and he just threw it in the trash. i can't find a way to let go of him, find another, if there even is another, and nothing else is getting better, its just getting worse by the second.


so i'm tired of this, i'm ready for it all to end, i'm ready to sacrifice everything, i have nothing to loose. all i want is to go home, even if all i have is one blade of grass for a treasure in heaven with a single drop of dew, i won't care, no more tears, no more anger, no more hatred, no more lonliness, no more poverty, and i'll be able to rest at peace at last and know what true love really is.......being with my true husbandman to be.

 2005/12/8 7:43Profile
leah
Member



Joined: 2005/11/21
Posts: 3


 Re: end my life...please...

i don't know what to do anymore, i really do wish now that i was a machine instead, or a computer, an android, so i can just do daily tasks without thought or concern and have no desire nor want stirring within becoming an uncontrollable yern that drives me to insanity.

watch, noone will say diddly squat. their mouths will be shut, or even the moderator will remove the post and delete my account or send me a warning. i didn't cuss, i didn't threaten anyone. i didn't go into XXX lingo. i didn't even drop names or point fingers so someone can track down so n so. all i know is, its happened before, it'll happen again. people say, if you need help, ask. how come, whenever i do, they never answer and always shut up instead?????

 2005/12/8 7:52Profile
RobertW
Member



Joined: 2004/2/12
Posts: 4636
St. Joseph, Missouri

 Re: end my life...please...

Hi Leah,

Sounds like you have been through some things. I have been through some life crushing things also. At times those things would seem to overwhelm me and take me to the end of my rope.

I wish to share a story with you that really helped me put things in perspective. I was downtown in Kansas City where a massive construction project has unsettled a multitude of homeless people. The winter cold was numbing and I knew that the aid they were getting from the local shelters was not enough. So we headed down on a Sunday afternoon with what we thought was a pretty good supply of winter items. They were gone in 8 minutes and yet the crowds of homeless people kept coming and I was out of supplies.

Then the unthinkable happened. A mentally ill woman came pushing her 2 year old boy down the road towards us in a stroller. They were homeless also. She had on a hooded sweatshirt and the baby had a small coat that was shrinking up his arms- a few sizes too small. It was bitterly cold and he had no gloves or a hat. His hands were red and his face was chapped.

I says to the boy, "Hi pal, how are you?" The child mumbled back undiscernable syllables as it became quickly evident that the child was unable to speak. We watched in horror at what we could do? Time seemed to almost go into slow motion as we knew that this was critical. We had nothing that would fit him, but in desperation a young boy about 14 years old that was with us took off his gloves and hat and put them on the child. They drooped on his hands, but it was the best we could do. The thing that haunts me is that the child as frozen as he was never even whimpered.

I have seen many such things. Old men shivering uncontrollably in the cold. There is a man that lives near the chemical plant that has no legs and is homeless. They get run over trying to catch the train or beaten to death for what little they have. "Can you please help me sir?" I don't know, I replied. "I was diagnosed 2 months ago with colon cancer and have no way to get the medication." The man was holding his belly obviously in desperation and pain. I have seen many pretenders, but this was not one of them. We laid hands on him and prayed. I recall seeing two little girls running in the park together homeless. I didn't see their parents, but they were somewhere close.

After some of the things I have seen and heard, my life is like a party compared to these people. We met a man roaming the streets like a vegabond who was a church elder who had gotten drunk Friday night- depressed and in the throes of temptation. A young man he was with no family here. I never seen sin take a person so low so fast. We ministered to him to lift him up. We prayed for him, etc.

You know, after all I have been through and what others have done to me it is the things [u]I have done[/u] that haunted me the most. The hurt I have caused. I have set so much suffering into motion that I had to turn it over to God to allow Him to work it out. There is only one answer for us Leah and its the grace of God. I am not trying to be cliche' here. I am being completely serious. There is much suffering in the world because of sin. We have suffered and caused others to suffer. the answer is to turn to God in faith trusting Him with ALL of your heart. Give Him everything. Hold nothing back. Give what He asks you to give up- all your hurting, bitterness, vexation and most importantly your sin.

Search the scriptures. Jesus Christ was a man aquainted with grief and suffering. He took our sins and nailed them to a cross that we might have peace with God. That nagging conscience will be cleansed and joy will come if you just turn to Him. Though your sins be as scarlet- they shall be white as snow. Turn with all of your heart and seek Him with all of your heart. I promise that if you do- you will find Him. He will change you into a new creature that is filled with the love and joy of the Holy Spirit. That is what you need Leah. You need Him. Let Him turn your heart towards Him and away from your own condition. And in that moment you will see yourself and your need of Him and everything else will seem so superficial. Your perspective will change. Then get about the Master's business. Maybe God would lay it on your heart to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction? There is something about that that always keeps me in perspective. when my thoughts turn away from my sorrows and I give heed to those who suffer so much more.

Will be in prayer for you.

God Bless,

-Robert


_________________
Robert Wurtz II

 2005/12/8 8:18Profile
beenblake
Member



Joined: 2005/7/26
Posts: 524
Tennessee, USA

 Re:

Dear Leah,

I am going to be straight forward with you.

Firstly.... if you think you are the first person to be trampled over by the world, you are not!!!! I know people who have suffered worse trials and lives than you, not including our savior Jesus Christ. I have suffered a great deal in my life. My mother has also suffered way more than you. I have friends who also know deep suffering.

Jesus Christ suffered all of sin. He carried all sin on Him as He died on the cross. He was beaten and bruised from head to toe. The world hated Him. Judas, one of His own apostles betrayed Him. His friend Peter denied Him three times. No one came to His aid. No one helped Him. The world hated Him. They killed Him. He didn't do anything wrong and they crucified Him!!!

Secondly, stop putting your faith in men!!!! You keep turning to men looking for that one special guy who will sweep you off your feet. Give it up. There is no good man on earth. Not one. You are not going to find a good man.

What you are looking for is not a man to hold you, but God to hold you. That emptiness you feel will not be satisfied by any man. Every man that lives will fail you. What you need is Jesus Christ. You need God. Jesus is God. Make Jesus your God.

Going to Church is great, reading the bible is good, praying is best. However, all these things mean nothing if you don't have Jesus. You need Jesus. It's that simple. If you are truly ready to give up, then you need to turn to Jesus!!! You said yourself that you want your true husbandman. It is Jesus. He is the one who can save you. He can bring you all the joy of the world. You need to turn to Jesus. Call out to Jesus. Ask Jesus for help. Give yourself to Jesus.

There is hope in Jesus. Listen to what He said....

Matthew 11:28 (NLT)
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:29-30 (NLT)
"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light."

John 14:27 (NLT)
"I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 16:33 (NLT)
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

Matthew 5:3-12 (NASB)
3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. 5 "Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. 6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. 7 "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. 8 "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. 9 "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. 10 "Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11 "Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. 12 "Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Revelation 3:20 (NLT)
"Look! Here I stand at the door and knock. If you hear me calling and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal as friends."


Rejoice!!! There is hope in Jesus. He wants to give you new life. You are weak and have suffered many trials. But Christ is strong and full of love. He has the power to transform you. He can take your suffering and turn it to joy. Give Him your sins and your suffering. Give your heart to Jesus. Call out to Him!!!

Right now, all your weaknesses may seem terrible. And in them, you feel defeated and weak. How come you have to suffer?? Why do you have these ailments?? What did you do deserve this??

These are not curses, but blessings!! God wants to use you. He wants to love you. How can He if you don't let Him? He wants to be glorified in your weaknesses. It is through your weaknesses that Christ is made strong. To have such a big heart, to have such a weak spirit is a blessing. God wants you. He wants to love you and bless you and use you. He has a purpose for you life. If not, then you would be dead. But you are alive because God loves you and because He wants you.

Turn to Jesus. Call out to Him. Everything you said here, say to Him. Everytime you feel lonely and depressed, everytime you need comfort and rest, call out to Jesus. Pour your heart out to Jesus. Tell Him everything and hold nothing back.

Believe in Jesus. He can heal you, change you, and comfort you. All you need to do is go to Him. He will answer you prayers and so much more.

I will pray for you. Do not give up on life. Rather, give yourself to Jesus. He is your only hope.

In love,
Blake


_________________
Blake Kidney

 2005/12/8 9:32Profile
InTheLight
Member



Joined: 2003/7/31
Posts: 2850
Phoenix, Arizona USA

 Re: end my life...please...

Quote:
so i'm tired of this, i'm ready for it all to end, i'm ready to sacrifice everything, i have nothing to loose. all i want is to go home, even if all i have is one blade of grass for a treasure in heaven with a single drop of dew, i won't care, no more tears, no more anger, no more hatred, no more lonliness, no more poverty, and i'll be able to rest at peace at last and know what true love really is.......being with my true husbandman to be.



Leah, this is not the answer, it is a lie from hell. Please read Robert's post carefully and also please read the page at the following link.

[url=http://www.behindthebadge.net/suicide/]Contemplating Suicide[/url]

I'm praying also,

Ron


_________________
Ron Halverson

 2005/12/8 9:35Profile
habakkuk3
Member



Joined: 2005/10/18
Posts: 490
Virginia

 Re:

Dear Leah,

There is victory over depression through the blood of Jesus. It's a real victory not an illusory one and I've been through the trenches and have been delivered. I wasn't delivered because I was some great person but because Jesus was merciful to me a wicked sinner.

How many times have I cried out Lord God of heaven, I'm never going to get this right, just go ahead and end my life. I spent most of my adult life walking in that mess and I'm thankful to say that Jesus has delivered me.

If the blood of Jesus can change a wicked heart such as mine, that same blood can do a work in your heart.

I would suggest that you pray the Psalms. Many of them describe the feelings you're going through now. When I came back to Jesus after playing in the pig pen for nearly 17 years after my first wife died, all I could hear for months was "why don't you just curse God and die" like Job's wife told him. I knew that wasn't the voice of God and slowly He began to deliver and speak to me.

Here's a Psalms that I've often prayed (Psalms 31):

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

4 Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.

5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
I trust in the LORD.

7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.

8 You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.

10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.

11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.

12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.

13 For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."

15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave. [b]

18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.

20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from the intrigues of men;
in your dwelling you keep them safe
from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed his wonderful love to me
when I was in a besieged city.

22 In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful,
but the proud he pays back in full.

24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

I trust Jesus to deliver you but you're going to have to seek Him with all your heart.

Will be praying for you Leah, Jesus is enough.


_________________
Ed Pugh

 2005/12/8 9:51Profile
crsschk
Member



Joined: 2003/6/11
Posts: 9192
Santa Clara, CA

 Re: end my life...please...

Dear Leah,

Psa 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Your heart is crying out for help, we will by no means turn you out here, you may gladly remove that from your expectations. I do not think for a moment that this all is coming forth without a reason, there are some souls here that may not have all the answers to your questions and the dilemma's you are facing, but be assured of this,
some will agonize on your behalf before the throne of God.

If there is anything I could plead it would be that you take all of the thought's expressed to you under consideration, there may be things difficult to accept at first and by no means are we any sort of experts, we may only be at best able to somehow guide you to the only one who can heal the travails you have expressed. Hang on Leah, stay with us here, we will weep with those who weep until joy returns in the morning.


_________________
Mike Balog

 2005/12/8 10:30Profile
JaySaved
Member



Joined: 2005/7/11
Posts: 1132
Missouri

 Re:

Oh God, help Leah in this time of crisis!

Heavenly Father, reveal yourself to her. Grant her the peace she so desperetly needs! Reveal to her that are a Father who is full of Grace and mercy.

Lord, I am remined of Job, who cursed the day of his birth. I am remined of Elijah who begged for his life to end. I am also remined that you DID bring them through those low points in their lives.

Oh God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, in the name of Christ I plead for your mercy on Leah. Help her Father, Help her.

Psalm 6
For the choir director: A psalm of David, to be accompanied by an eight-stringed instrument.
1[a]
O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your rage.
2
Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak.
Heal me, LORD, for my body is in agony.

3
I am sick at heart.
How long, O LORD, until you restore me?

4
Return, O LORD, and rescue me.
Save me because of your unfailing love.

5
For in death, who remembers you?
Who can praise you from the grave?

6
I am worn out from sobbing.
Every night tears drench my bed;
my pillow is wet from weeping.

7
My vision is blurred by grief;
my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

8
Go away, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my crying.

9
The LORD has heard my plea;
the LORD will answer my prayer.

10
May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified.
May they suddenly turn back in shame.

 2005/12/8 11:02Profile
ccchhhrrriiisss
Member



Joined: 2003/11/23
Posts: 4779


 Re:

Hi leah...

I am praying for you. If you ever need to talk, I am available.

My dorm telephone number is (361) 593-2853.

"The LORD bless thee, and keep thee: The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace." [i]Numbers 6:22-24[/i]

:-)


_________________
Christopher

 2005/12/8 11:49Profile
dullrainbow
Member



Joined: 2005/8/10
Posts: 98
Iowa U.S.

 Re:

1 John 5:19 and the whole world lieth in wickedness.
As one well aquainted with grief and pain and sorrow of heart, with heartbreaking memories. I summit the letter below. It is my belief that there is no joy, in this life below, outside of His grace.
This is not the entire letter, and several times I have tried to seek the writter but to no avail.

The Problem of Pain
By Hans Martens
(submitted by Dave Turnidge

Crisis for anyone is a time when we struggle to
understand its purpose if there is a purpose. Pain is a
little understood and a little talked about part
of our Christian life. It is a path chosen by God
that everyone must walk, portions of which we
must walk alone. It's a place where many of you have
been - a battleground for loyalty and allegiance
- a battleground where there are mostly dead and
wounded. It's a place where you're not really
sure anymore who the enemy is.
Before all this happened, when "success" and
"normalcy" were the rule (which seems so long ago
now), everything seemed so clear and defined. My
understanding of God and myself were neatly packaged
and trimmed. Everything fit into my idea of how
things should be. When you introduce pain into the
equation the answers that were absolute are no
longer. This is not a reflection on God, but on our
understanding of Him. Our religion and
superficial spirituality can not stand up under the intense
heat of pain. The once clear battlefield of good
against evil - the righteous against the ungodly,
where Jesus is the victor with us at His side,
becomes a place of confusion and intense pain. When
the smoke clears, I am not at Jesus' side
pursuing a defeated enemy, but instead I find myself
lying on the ground mortally wounded. My glass sword
and clay shield lay shattered beside me. As I
look up to see what enemy pierced me through, I am
filled with anguish and confusion to see the Lord
of Hosts himself standing over me with
tear-filled eyes and his Sword still in my heart. The dead
and wounded scattered about are not the wicked,
but the Righteous, stricken by the Sword that
divides both soul and spirit!
You see, I am finding through all of this that
there is not one battlefield, but two! We cannot
enter into the second except we go by the first.
The second is the conventional battle against the
principalities and powers of darkness, the first
we war with ourselves - the dark places of our
hearts covered up by our religious good intention.
In the second battle we may lose some, but WILL
win in the end. The first we may win some, but MUST
lose in the end. The fires of the first battle
will forge for us a sword that can never be
tarnished in the second, provided we do not forget that
it once pierced our own soul.
Only those who have been taught by it, who have
felt the searing heat of the Refiner's Fire can
appreciate its intensity. The grief that I feel
sometimes consumes me, yet not without hope. It's
not just the grief of a father for his sick
daughter, but the grief of a man who cannot control her
destiny - who can not conjure up the faith for
healing - who, in the heat of battle, finds he's
not the spiritual giant he thought he was. My faith
is not faith at all, it is wishful thinking - a
glass sword. My righteousness is only a clay
shield. Jesus' faith is true faith, his life is true
life, his freedom is true freedom! All I can find
in myself is fear, heartache and agonizing
helplessness.
"He has walled me about so I cannot escape; he
has put heavy chains on me; though I call and cry
for help he shuts out my prayer, he has blocked my
ways with hewn stones, he has made my path
crooked."
"He is a bear lying in wait for me, a lion in
hiding; he led me off my way and tore me to pieces;
he has made me desolate." Lamentations 3:7-11
Oh, how it burns, this Refiner's Fire! It has
exposed my nakedness by turning to ashes my cloak of
righteousness that I so meticulously knit
together. There is no way I could have known that cloak
was filthy. I was so utterly taken with it
because of the deceit and arrogance of my heart (Jer.
17:9) that I could not see its wretched condition.
That coat has taken its rightful place in the
ashes.
Peter couldn't help but believe that Jesus chose
him to be a disciple out of all the rest because
of his strengths, because he had something to
offer Jesus. Everything seemed so clear and defined.
The battle he sought to fight that night in the
Garden of Gethsemane was not one he would win.
Peter wept bitter tears when he was exposed. He
said, "I will go with you to prison and to death!"
Jesus replied, "Your robe of righteousness will be
required of you this very night. By morning it
will be ashes and you will know yourself as I know
you." Peter's righteousness turned to denial and
fear. His God went to the cross.
The line that I used to think was so clear
between the believer and the unbeliever in John 3:19-21
isn't so clear any more. Maybe "the light" is
just as much of a threat to me when it dispels MY
darkness. Is that why I'm so afraid of pain because
of what it might reveal in me? Wasn't I taught
that defeat was a sign of spiritual weakness? Is
there a place for suffering? Did God sovereignly
arrange my present circumstances for his higher
good? As surely as there is a God who wants to
clothe me with his true righteousness!
"In faithfulness you afflicted." Psalm 119:75
"Although he causes grief, he will have
compassion according to his steadfast love." Lamentations
3:32
Is what I am dying to now worth what I will
receive?
"So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer
nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being
renewed day by day. For this slight momentary
affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of
glory beyond all measure." II Corinthians 4:16,17
There is a new fire burning in my soul that is
small, but unmistakable. The grief remains, but out
of the ashes of my old nature burns a new fire
deep within me that brings with it a hope and
strength that I have not known before. It has all the
ear-marks of the Holy Spirit.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the
strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26
"And after you have suffered for a little while,
the God of all grace, who has called you to his
eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore,
support, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter
5:10



_________________
Eileen Teitsworth

 2005/12/8 12:20Profile





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