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kan8994
Member



Joined: 2005/9/15
Posts: 3


 Am I being too hard on myself or am I being conviced???

I could really use some advise. I've been married for over 5 years to a very controlling and verbally abusive man. We did not know the Lord when we were married. I came to the Lord shorty after we were married and it's been very difficult since then. Although it has been VERY difficult being married to this man, I have made peace in my heart to stay married to him. My life is hid in Chirst! I will just continue to be the best wife and mother I can be and that's all I can do.

My problem is that my husband is very controlling with money. Although I work (and make pretty good money) my husband doesn't allow me to have any. I am not allowed to have an ATM card or credit card. I have to "approve" every financial transaction with him...even if it's $10 for gas money. We are not poor either. As a matter of fact we are pretty well off. Okay I'll get to the issue. After years of frustration, I opened a secret checking account and secertly started putting $30 a week away. I also opened a credit card. I've charged about $1500 on it and used my little checking account to pay it off. I feel like i'm trapped now. My husband would absolutely kill me if he found out about the checking account or the credit card. I feel like I have a bigger problem now! Even though my husband is completely unfair and abusive I feel tormented that I am sneaking!! I've commited to stop using the credit card and just paying it off now.

I feel so guilty. Do you think I should confess this to my husband?? Or just pay off the credit card and forget it ever happened?? I am affraid of my husband's reaction if he finds out, but I am more afraid of the dishonoring the Lord by my sneaky behavior!

 2005/9/15 19:36Profile
Gery
Member



Joined: 2005/8/29
Posts: 95
0

 Re: Am I being too hard on myself or am I being conviced???

Dear Kan8994,

Did I understand correctly, he controls your salary? And the $30 you put away was from your salary?

In HIm,
Gery

 2005/9/15 20:20Profile
Gery
Member



Joined: 2005/8/29
Posts: 95
0

 Re: Am I...?

Dear Kan8994

Because your marraige is not the way the Lord intended it, being unequally yoked, it makes it difficult. By this I dont say that there is no answer, remember that our Lord Jesus knows everything.

I pick up a sensitiveness toward the Lord in you, and He knows that. He is not there to make things difficult for you, but in all this He is busy in your heart. He is much more concerned with the process than the outcome.
What I am actually trying to say is that you need to get to grips with God through this situation. If you are not convinced of any sin in your life or you dont know of anything between you and the Lord, ask Him to search your heart for anything that hinders Him. Confess to Him the guilt that you feel, the doubt and also the fear. Ask Him to show you clearly, and untill you know for a fact what His will is, wait on Him.
Continue to pay it off, and for now don't tell your husband, untill you know without a shadow of a doubt what the Lord's will is for you.

Learn to get to know His voice better, and pray earnestly for your husband.

In His love,
Gery



 2005/9/15 20:39Profile
kan8994
Member



Joined: 2005/9/15
Posts: 3


 Re:

Gery, I really appreciate you gentle words of encourgment. I will continue to seek the Lord on this issue. I do love the Lord with all my heart. That is why I have determined to tell my husband even if it causes a moment of distress on my part. On the other hand I also know that I could be creating more problems and the enemy is always happy to oblige. I contine to pray form my husband. The most difficult thing is that he has days when I think my prayers have been aansweared. I open my heart to him and let down all my guards then the next day it's back to normal. I want to have an open heart towards my husband because I want to be an example of God's love towards him, but I feel like I'm always getting my heart stomped all over. I think it would be easier sometimes to have no hope for his salvation or a healing in our marriage. That way I could put the walls around my heart up and just wait for the day that the Lord comes and delivers me from the pain. Does that make any sense?? Living in the hope of things not seen is a hard thing to do, but it's by His grace that I stand.




Quote:
Did I understand correctly, he controls your salary? And the $30 you put away was from your salary?




Yes, when i opened my checking account I automatically had $30 a week draft into my account right from my paycheck. My pay can vary alittle from week to week, so he didn't notice the small deduction.

 2005/9/15 21:28Profile
ginnyrose
Member



Joined: 2004/7/7
Posts: 7463
Mississippi

 Re:

Gery has given you some good advice. And mind if I add a little more?

What if you were to do the small things that please him, but which for whatever reason you find it difficult to do? I do not know what that is, but kill him with kindness, if possible,like you did when you were courting. He may wonder what you are up to, but you do not have to say except that you just love him. You certainly will have to have Jesus love in your heart so you can love him. It might help to remember Jesus experiences this kind of thing all the time.

As far as that money is concerned, I think you should let the Holy Spirit instruct you on this.

God bless you, my dear.
ginnyrose


_________________
Sandra Miller

 2005/9/15 23:10Profile
letsgetbusy
Member



Joined: 2004/9/28
Posts: 957
Cleveland, Georgia

 Re:

Gery's words are well spoken, it is best to seek God's will.

I am going to just give you Scripture, as many often tell me I'm too harsh with my comments. So I'll just like the Bible talk, so if anyone disagrees they can take it up with Him.

Matthew 5:
[39] But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
[40] And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.
[41] And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

Matthew 16:24b "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me."

1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives"


_________________
Hal Bachman

 2005/9/15 23:10Profile









 Re:

Oh my kan8994,

I can't even begin to tell you what I'm feeling right now. This 'situation' has put tears in my eyes.

Gery is right about your 'sensitive spirit', but if I knew how to change the font size on this posting thing, I would write in big green letters ... SISTER, DON'T TELL HIM, PLEASE.


You'll never live it down from him. He'll double check you all the more, and even when you tell the truth from now on, he'll say, 'How do I know if you are, because you already ......'


Your relationship with Jesus is all that is going to matter when you stand before HIM one day ... and if you felt guilt over this, you've already 'confessed your sin, and God has forgiven you and cleansed you' ... probably even before you spoke it to HIM... though I seriously question, sincerely, if this indeed was "sin" to begin with, but since it's now not being done "in faith", then it has become sin for or to you. Be it as it is, God has you cleansed.


But to confess something that is not a sin, in a "normal" home, to an unsaved man, who "normally" looks for the splinter in your eye, when there is much more than a beam in his own ,,, (actually the unsaved are "blind" altogether), is playing Russian Roulette with your future sanity.


I only speak from experience, I can't of course say to you or anybody else "thus saith the Lord", but I can only say, Lots of experience with unsaved, or backslidden couples, has opened my eyes, that as one Preacher said, "You two have 'different fathers' and when you deal with your husband, you actually have to deal with your 'father-in-law'.

Also, there are some good authors out there, that teach very well on "When to confess and when not to", that if you could only find, I think it would help you to see, that we don't always do it. In some cases God no where near advises to in view of "who" it is, we are confessing to and what the outcome will be, as far as the plausibility of reaping a unneeded painful whirlwind as a result.
Sometimes we use "confessing" as a sort of penance, to work off the guilt, that Jesus already took. It takes Godly wisdom, to know when and "who" to confess to, and when not to to some.


Everyone here knows how I feel about "submission", but this goes beyond submission.

You worked and earned that money, and in a "normal" home (saved or unsaved) that little bit you drew out each week is a mere pittance.

Like Gery said, pay off the credit card, and follow your conscience from there ... I would only warn that "confessing" to certain people, especially irrational unsaved folks, could cost you more than you ever thought you'd pay for a legitimate act, or lets just call it, NOT A SINFUL ACT ON YOUR PART... in a "normal" home.

I know unsaved husbands, who are nothing like what you are describing as your situation, so you are dealing with a double whammy here, in that not only is he unsaved, but he is irrational and abusive ta boot.


God go with you and be with you and I know we all that post to this or read this will be praying for your protection. AMEN !


You have to treat this man as you would any other unsaved person. To Love him as you do any other unsaved person and do all to just be a "witness", but you cannot act with him as you would with a Rational-Saved husband.

I haven't said it all, because I pray as Gery said, you'll get it ALL from God Himself ... but just from what I've counciled folks with and have seen happen ... I only give that one recommendation.

Stay in His Love, and KNOW His forgiveness is instaneous.

Annie

 2005/9/15 23:19









 Re:

kan8994:

A good counselor should be able to help with this situation, if your husband is willing to go. Otherwise, go by yourself. It will help to talk with a good professional on this one so, maybe there is someone in your church that can recommend one. My prayers are with you.

Bubbaguy

 2005/9/16 8:29
PreachParsly
Member



Joined: 2005/1/14
Posts: 2164
Arkansas

 Re:

I think a good person to receive wisdom in this area (or the first person that came to my mind) would be Chanin. Her name on SI is moreofHim. She has 2 website [url=http://www.moreofhim.net/]http://www.moreofhim.net/[/url] and [url=www.xanga.com/more_of_Him]www.xanga.com/more_of_Him[/url] She has a wealth of knowledge when it comes to marriage from a Christian woman perspective.


_________________
Josh Parsley

 2005/9/16 9:53Profile
PreachParsly
Member



Joined: 2005/1/14
Posts: 2164
Arkansas

 Re:

Also, look through Keith Daniel's sermons for ones on marriage. I have never heard anything better about the topic that he does. [url=http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/visit.php?lid=1853]Marriage[/url] is a good one and he has several more. [url=http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/viewcat.php?op=&cid=144]Keith Daniel[/url]


_________________
Josh Parsley

 2005/9/16 9:58Profile





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