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Discussion Forum : Welcome & Intro : Does God really love me?

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Wallpaper
Member



Joined: 2019/6/11
Posts: 5


 Does God really love me?

Hello.

I joined this forum out of desperation. I checked out many Christian forums but have seen so many petty and prideful debates I couldn't bear it. I've seen them here, too, but I chose SermonIndex because the pastors and teachers I trust are uploaded here to listen to.

Please forgive my bluntness. My desperation is painful and I just don't have the time, patience or interest for anything but honesty right now. I know this is a LONG post and I'm sorry. But, as I said, I'm desperately in need to pour my heart out. My story is a long one, so I'll bullet point as much as possible. I chose the name Wallpaper because that's how I feel.

Never married male in my 50's. No family. Two friends. (93 year old Catholic woman who lives across the hall and a 35 year old unsaved man I used to work for.) I've been a hermit (literally) over 10 years now. No car. No debt. Haven't attended church in over 10 years due to abuse and never finding a true one. No career. I went from corporate support positions to blue collar, and then to part-time caretaker at my apartment building. It pays the rent, my electric, phone, and internet, and leaves me $35 a week for food. I haven't had a vacation since 2001. If I ever do leave my apartment building, it's to go six blocks to the grocery store and back. Got rid of my TV 20 years ago this year. I hate Hollywood (I wouldn't dump a box of trash in the middle of my living room and I got tired of letting Hollywood do it -- and paying for the privilege), I believe NOTHING in the media anymore, and I completely, 100%, no exaggeration, do not like, recognize, or relate to anything in this world anymore. It has NOTHING I want.

I grew up in an unloving family, with an abusive (physically and emotionally) dad, and was a very naive kid who was loosed into the world without preparation. I think I became a Christian when I was 17. I was a lonely kid and a girl at school (who I didn't know because kids only ever teased me) told me that Jesus was a best friend who would never leave me. That's all I wanted in life - a friend. So, I went to the baptist church and was even baptized. This worsened the stress between me and my family. We parted ways when I left home. We were a family of strangers growing up anyway. Today, I have no idea where or who they are and, even though I have NO bad feelings about them in the least, I'm not interested in re-connecting.

I didn't know college was meant to prepare you for a job. I went to college and basically flunked out after two years. I'm not stupid by any means, I just didn't know what college was for. I went back to college at 35 for a year when I thought I wanted to be a teacher. I made the Official Who's Who as the top .5% of students nationwide. I quit when I realized what teachers had to go through these days.

Every job I've ever had, I was taken advantage of. I finally couldn't take anymore and quit my job, knowing full well I could end up homeless because I only had enough money to pay next month's rent and bills. No government aid and no help from anyone. That's when I became a hermit because every single person who called themselves my friend deserted me. They were uncomfortable with my unemployment and stopped calling. I never once asked any of them for a thing. Ever. I realized that the only time they EVER called me was when THEY wanted something. So, I gave up and became a hermit and have been one ever since. No dreams. No goals. No hope. Just a dead existence. I'm the person you read about in the news who died and no one even knew until three months later when the bad smell came from their apartment.

My life consisted of watching YouTube sermon videos. Charles Spurgeon, Shane Idleman, Francis Chan, Zac Poonen, ... all the pastors and teachers you find here on Sermon Index.

Some years ago, it dawned on me that I didn't have a relationship with Jesus. I've never experienced Him. I loved Him but it was a knowledge-based religion. I never thought about having a personal relationship with Jesus because I was abused as a kid and taken advantage of my entire life. Dreams, friends, happiness, money... they weren't meant for me. I wasn't worth knowing and have always been made to feel that I had to prove myself to be allowed a job, to attend a church, to have friends. I gave everything I had - time, possessions, emotions, money - and I'm still alone and useless. All it got me was a low self-esteem, a habit of perfectionism, and a self-loathing. Now I mourn for a wasted life.

All I want in this world is to know Jesus and have Him know me. I want to know that I'm loved. (I've never once heard the words, "I love you" in my life.) I don't want to be one of the Matthew 7:21-23 crowd. I don't want to go to heaven empty handed, without anything, or anyone to show for it. In fact, I don't even know if I'm saved!

I've spent so many of my hermit years trying to seek God. Am I saved? Does He love me? Can I have a life? I've been as honest with God as I know how to be. I've acknowledge every sin and haven't justified a single one. But still, I feel nothing. I've tried reading scriptures but it's a dead books to me. Prayer is like talking to the ceiling. They always have been. But, when I listen to sermons, I actually feel something. It's almost a curse because I feel convicted, encouraged, excited, etc., but never to any avail in my personal life. The thing is, the ONLY thing I do know is that God is real and that every word in the scriptures are HIS words and are 100% true. If I had Jesus, and knew He was mine and I was His, and could at least feel loved ONE TIME, I wouldn't let anything stop me!

But, I can't seem to accept that He loves me. That He forgives me. I can't forgive myself. I can forgive anyone else ANYTHING! But me? All I feel is shame, guilt and condemnation. I know the scripture says those aren't from Him. I know that not forgiving myself insults Him and is calling Him a liar. I "KNOW" all of this! But I can't seem to get past head knowledge. I can't experience Him. I've poured my heart out to Him more times than I can count!

WHY WON'T JESUS HELP ME?! What am I doing wrong? Has He rejected me and I'm wasting my time? I've asked for help to truly repent and to surrender completely. I don't even care about or want anything this world has to offer. I'd be 100% content to remain a hermit and pray anonymously every single day for the rest of my life IF I COULD ONLY KNOW THAT I AM SAVED AND HE LOVES ME!

I just don't know what else to do. I can sink any lower or have any less unless I lose my job, which would cause me to be homeless. And honestly, the ONLY thing that would change is having a roof over my head and nothing else. As far as I feel right now... big deal!

I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. Why doesn't Jesus respond and help me when I'm being as honest and sincere as I know how to be? I thought He wasn't supposed to be a respecter of persons? But I see Him help so many others instantly and their lives are changed. Have I been given up on? Am I going through all of this just to end up in hell anyway? I can't even allow myself to get angry with God because I KNOW He's perfect and any problems I'm having with Him are MY fault.

I feel less than human. I've tried everything I know, even just giving up and giving Jesus time to act/respond. Nothing. I do not understand. Why is this so hard when ALL I want is Him? I can't bear to want Him so much only to be rejected by Him, too. Rejection is all I know and to be rejected by Him would be the final straw.

 2019/6/11 14:17Profile
NoahJD83
Member



Joined: 2018/8/16
Posts: 18


 Re: Does God really love me?

You know I was pretty isolated from the church for a significant chunk of time. As I'm getting connected more and more (to a good spiritual church, balanced, loving, biblical) to my church my life has gotten drastically better. I have gotten pastoral counseling (I'm going today actually in 20 minutes to meet with a pastor and talk and pray) many sessions. I have gone to another church's healing center for prayer and counsel. I've done a SOZO session. I have gone to home groups for a period of time. I have watched sermons online(that's all I used to do actually), but its not the same as actually going to a gathering of believers. The church doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be humble and biblical and balanced too.
Also, since many people who attend church aren't mature christians, you should consider good pastors and elders to open up to and get prayer from. I also have listened to audio books about spiritual warfare and counseling and healing. Specifically, Dr Neil T Anderson's material and others. I love Derek Prince's material. But mostly spending time with mature christians who love me and pray for me has helped the most.

 2019/6/11 14:46Profile
Sree
Member



Joined: 2011/8/20
Posts: 1700


 Re: Does God really love me?

I think the problem with you is your Hermit life style. If you speak to a Hindu saint, he would guide you perfectly and give you the peace you seek. I know very well because I was raised as a Hindu.

I know you had rejections and people taking advantage of you, but the same was true with Jesus as well. His own disciple betrayed him. The people whom he came to save, crucified him. What more rejection do we need? I am not sure any human has faced the rejection that Jesus went through. Still he ended up dying for them. Still he ended up living a normal life to be an example of those who want to live a normal life. He did not shut himself to be a hermit. He loved God the father so much that he loved those human who were created in his image as well. How can he live away from these loved ones like a Hermit? He will not and could not.

In short living as a hermit is not a solution for a Christian life. It is a solution for pagan religions but not for Christianity. If a person starts to love God he will also love the people around him and work for their welfare, even if he constantly faced rejections.

I would suggest you to ask God to show you what real love is. Ask him that you want to love people around you who are created in God's image. The love of God will soon be poured into your heart by Holy SPirit.


_________________
Sreeram

 2019/6/11 15:21Profile
NoahJD83
Member



Joined: 2018/8/16
Posts: 18


 Re:

Yeah you know something I heard a while ago was similar to what Sree said. If I would become the kind person I would want others to be to me (loving, patient, outgoing, friendly, considerate, etc) I would find myself with friends and happiness and love. Of course, the devil will not want you to break out of that and uses past hurt and rejection to keep us down. Unfortunately that is how the devil works, but its all a lie. And evil/mean/abusive people aren't worth it anyway. Why care what they think? Of course we should forgive them and wish them the best in terms of salvation, by why let mean/bad people keep us down when God is so not like that?

 2019/6/11 18:17Profile
NoahJD83
Member



Joined: 2018/8/16
Posts: 18


 Re: Does God really love me?

Also: part of my trust issues I had with God was not understanding him. I started going to the early church fathers like Irenaeus to get their understanding of scripture and theology. I was confused with differing theological understandings of God from different more modern churches/groups/denominations. Irenaeus helped me greatly to understand God, his continuous good intentions for us and also understand other confusing things in the bible that are the topic of debate and division and misunderstanding.

 2019/6/11 18:34Profile
NoahJD83
Member



Joined: 2018/8/16
Posts: 18


 Re:

Here's an example of Irenaeus Against Heresies Book 4, Ch 37:

"This expression [of our Lord], “How often would I have gathered thy children together, and thou wouldest not,” set forth the ancient law of human liberty, because God made man a free [agent] from the beginning, possessing his own power, even as he does his own soul, to obey the behests (ad utendum sententia) of God voluntarily, and not by compulsion of God. For there is no coercion with God, but a good will [towards us] is present with Him continually. And therefore does He give good counsel to all. And in man, as well as in angels, He has placed the power of choice (for angels are rational beings), so that those who had yielded obedience might justly possess what is good, given indeed by God, but preserved by themselves. On the other hand, they who have not obeyed shall, with justice, be not found in possession of the good, and shall receive condign punishment: for God did kindly bestow on them what was good; but they themselves did not diligently keep it, nor deem it something precious, but poured contempt upon His super-eminent goodness. Rejecting therefore the good, and as it were spuing it out, they shall all deservedly incur the just judgment of God,..."

 2019/6/11 18:37Profile
Wallpaper
Member



Joined: 2019/6/11
Posts: 5


 Re:

Thank you for the responses.

I realize that my isolation isn't good. Years ago, I remember reading on these very forums some people arguing about whether or not it's possible for a Christian to be one by themselves and not attend a church. I don't know if it's "possible," but I can tell you this as 100% fact - Christians are not INTENDED to. There will always be others out there who say, "That's you, not me. I'm different." To those, I would look them straight in the eye and say firmly, "No. You're not different. That's pride talking."

I initially became a hermit because I was exhausted. My whole life has been spent trying to help other people. I was there when anyone needed me. The problem is, I was like a lake with rivers and streams running out of me to everyone and everything that I was helping. But there were no rivers or streams flowing back into my life. As a result, I dried up. I very literally had nothing left to give. It was then that every person in my life who called themselves a "friend," abandoned me. Even the guy that called himself my "best friend" would only take me grocery shopping if I paid for gas and paid for lunch. It dawned on me that no one had EVER called me for my sake. It was always ONLY when they needed me. So, my faith in people disappeared.

Noah, I was the exact person you described. I was told very often that people considered me as a person of kindness, love, non-judgment, honesty, giving, and even intelligence... I even told them that it was just Jesus in me and I honestly meant that. The ONE nice thing I can say about myself is that I'm a fantastic friend.

So yes, I'm aware that my isolation isn't good. I'm working on it. But, I don't have a car, money, or a good church within a five mile walking distance. Yes, I've visited them all. And, for the record, I'm NOT asking anyone here (or anywhere) for money, food, or anything else. I ONLY posted this thread because I'm not getting anywhere with God and I could post here anonymously. Like I said, I WANT GOD! I KNOW He's capable of anything and everything. If money would fix something, He's able to meet that need without my telling anyone else about it. (I'm a fan of George Muller.)

And, to be honest... I'm GRATEFUL that everyone abandoned me. They weren't really friends anyway were they? I thought perhaps God was using the situation to weed them out of my life to make room for Him. I was all for it!

So, my main point is NOT that I'm hurt and taken advantage of by people, work, churches, etc., All of that happened and led me to this point but I'm not stuck on it. Hurt happens and I've learned to rejoice in it! I feel like I could survive A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G that God allows to happen now! I've had every person stripped from my life. Even my cat, the only living being who EVER loved me. I've had my money and possessions stripped away. Big deal - never cared about that kind of thing anyway. I've had any sense of purpose and belonging stripped away. What do I have left? My apartment, a part-time job, my health (as far as I know) and enough food to keep me alive. No problem! I could be PERFECTLY CONTENT with that....

IF...

If I had God. What I'm hurt by is His silence after years of begging, repenting, waiting, longing and doing all that I know to do to be right with Him. Not once have I experienced Him. I don't know if I'm saved or not. I ask for assurance and get nothing. Ok, if I'm NOT saved - then SAVE ME! I'm open to hear ANYTHING from Him but get nothing! Even having Him rage at me would be SOMETHING! I'm not in denial about my sin. No one could ever be harder on me than I am, even though I know that's wrong.

After everything I've been through and all the rejection I've experienced throughout my life... WHY does God reject me? He is ALL I want. If it takes being homeless to get Him, I will gladly walk out my front door and never look back. I DON'T CARE! The thing is, I would be ANGRY at God if I didn't know better. I KNOW that the problem lies within me and THAT is what kills me. It's not unforgiveness because I can honestly say I've forgiven everyone. I don't have an ill thought about any of the people who have ever hurt, abused, or taken advantage of me.

I don't know what to do. I've done everything I know to do. I'm at the end of myself and have NO strength left. But, I've been at that point for the last year. Isn't that when God is supposed to step in? What is so wrong with me that even God can't love me?! My past be damned! I'm talking about TODAY! Right now! I can't think of ONE EXAMPLE where God made ANYONE wait to receive Him, or His love, this long. Decades? Seriously?

 2019/6/11 20:07Profile
Wallpaper
Member



Joined: 2019/6/11
Posts: 5


 Re:

Again, to reiterate: I'm not paralyzed by past hurts. They were only incidents that got me to this place. I realize the value in them. Do I trust people? No. But I can love people without trusting them. I can love freely. Trust, however, has to be earned now. I used to trust people until they gave me a reason not to.

I just want God. But He refuses every attempt on my part. It's HIS rejection that hurts me today. Why should I care about anything - or even live - if He doesn't love or accept me? (No, I'm not suicidal, just to set minds at ease! That's NEVER an option with me.)

 2019/6/11 20:13Profile
Wallpaper
Member



Joined: 2019/6/11
Posts: 5


 Re:

One other thing, as long as I have nothing to lose:

To SermonIndex:

I love your ministry and appreciate your resources so, so much. I've lived on them for the last 12 years. But, I wonder if you realize how many people you are HURTING by not allowing comments on your YouTube videos?

You are refusing fellowship to many people who are alone, hurting, and would love to talk with like-minded believers about the things of God that we hear in each message. Why do you refuse us this blessing? Because a troll might say something contrary? That's real life and you can't shelter people from that. Where else are some of us supposed to go for this fellowship when we have nowhere to go offline?

Please consider opening up the comments again. And one other thing: It would be nice to read something about the sermon in each video in the Description Box instead of the mission of SermonIndex every time. It feels like you throw videos out there just to get them out there, but without care or thought to those who take their time to watch and listen.

 2019/6/11 20:23Profile
drifter
Member



Joined: 2005/6/6
Posts: 634
Campbell River, B.C.

 Re:

Jesus said, "Whoever comes to me I will never turn away."

Do you believe that? Just answer yes or no.


_________________
Nigel Holland

 2019/6/11 20:59Profile





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