Dear Brother I really understand where you are coming from as I went through the same turmoil. I was in a real walk with God and knew I had tasted of the good gifts and fallen away. I spent 6 years looking for answers and was in total despair. I asked so many brothers and many Pastors about this scripture. Not one told me anything that I bore witness with. But the Lord was merciful and gave me an answer. I studied repentance and knew that the goodness of the Lord leads to repentance, so I needed to rely on His goodness and mercy. Which is not a bad place to be by the way. It is where we should always dwell. Anyway while praying one night and The Lord spoke to me these simple words from scripture, "What is impossible for man is possible for God". I was free and felt His love for me flood through me. To whom much is forgiven much is required! Be ready to live a life of prayer and serve him with joy. If you were not searching for an answer you would be in a hopeless situation, but to still be searching simply proves that the Holy Spirit is drawing you and He has not given up on you and Jesus stands ready to forgive and cleanse.